Don returned with Leo and gazed at his injured brother lying on the stretcher, looking so frail and broken and it pierced his heart. Raphael had never been fragile or broken, had always been the protector, the strong one they always counted on, the one who never backed down in a fight, quick with his fists, and here he was, a shadow of himself, so vulnerable, so lost. "Hi," Don said, trying not to break down, remembering his brother wouldn't welcome that. He needed strength and not seeing his brothers crumble. "Welcome back, Raph. How do you feel?"
"Fine," Raphael snapped, forcing himself to a sitting position and immediately grimacing, as pain coursed through his tail and slit. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, he said, "Gonna get up now, so back off and let me. Wanna sleep in my own room. Hate the infirmary. It's for sick people. Not me."
"Raph," Leo said gently. "I think it's best you stay here for the foreseeable future and you need your mask and gear removed, so Donnie has better access to your injuries. Lie back and rest…."
"I ain't no fuckin' pussy and porcelain doll that's gonna break, Leo," Raphael hissed. "Don't treat me as such. I'm still Raphael, the muscle."
"Yes, yes, I know, baby, but you've been through hell and you need to rest and get your strength back. That's all, Raph. No one says you're weak and it wasn't your fault. You're not a victim, sweetheart. You're a survivor and so incredibly courageous. We'll get through this together. I promise. I'm going to be here every step of the way, so know you're never alone."
"Exactly," Don said, quirking an eye ridge at Leo's words. He'd thought Lotus and Leo were a couple. "And I'm here too. I know you don't want me examining you, Raph, but I have to from time to time to ensure you're healing."
Mollified somewhat, Raphael tentatively reached for Leo's hand and said, "Fine, but there's somethin' I gotta tell ya, Leo, if we're gonna…. I don't know…see if things could work between us. I got male and female parts, so it's possible we could have babies. See what a fuckin' freak I am? Donnie couldn't handle it and bolted!"
Shame colored Don's cheeks, as Leo said, "Raph, I'm not Donnie. I'm me and I love you no matter what condition you have. You're perfect to me and if we have babies, that'll be the cherry on the cake. A huge blessing." Leo kissed Raphael's hand and added, "Besides, I've always wondered what it'd be like having kids and I can think of no one better to have a family with than you. You're my hero, Raph, and always have been."
Raphael ducked his head, blushing profusely, and whispered, "Me and Donnie had sex once, but I didn't fall gravid. Friggin' lucky there, but there's a possibility I could fall gravid with tin can's baby and it could be human…."
"I know, sweet Raph," Leo said, and kissed his cheek, making Raphael redden. "If that happens, know I'll support you no matter what you decide to do."
"Thanks, Leo," Raphael said, gazing at him tenderly.
"I promised I'll be here and I'll never leave you, Raph. We're in this together." He peppered Raphael's face with soft kisses and added, "Going to show you what love is every moment of every day."
Raphael flushed and said, "Leo…."
"Going to make you realize just what a sensational guy you are. You're amazing, Raph. So smart, sexy, perfect in every way. I'm honored you love me and I'll do whatever I can to make you happy."
Emerald eyes studied sapphire ones and choking back a sob, Raphael said, "Thank ya, Leo. I'm so grateful yer here with me."
Don coughed and said, "I hate to interrupt, but I'd like to talk to Raph about his injuries."
"I'll be outside, Raph," Leo said.
"No! I want ya here with me. Please, Leo. Don't go."
"I won't," Leo said, stroking his hand.
Feeling more at ease that Leo wasn't leaving, Raphael allowed Don to strip his gear and mask off of him and said, "Okay, Donnie. What's the extent of my injuries?"
"Well," Don said, as he rubbed more lotion over Raphael's body.
"Go on."
"It's..."
Don, finished with the lotion, Raphael quickly covered himself with the bedcovers, embarrassed by his nudity, and said, "Tell me. I can take it."
Don took a deep breath and said, "You have a tearing in the lining of your anus, Raph, and you're going to be in a lot of agony, especially during and following bowel movements. You may also experience bleeding, itching and a smelly discharge. I can treat you with home remedies and OTC products by adding bulk to the stool, softening the stool and ensuring you have a high fiber diet. If that doesn't work, we'll need prescription drugs that include ointments containing anesthetics, steroids, nitroglycerin, and calcium channel blocking drugs (CCBs). You also have three fractured ribs and multiple bruises all over your body. You should make a full recovery, Raph, but it'll take some time, so you need lots of rest and you need to take your medication. Then there's the mental and emotional aspect of it. I know you're not one to talk about feelings, but in this case, please make an exception. It's a lot to deal with alone. I'm always here and Sensei and Mikey and of course, Leo."
"Will I ever be able ta have sex again?"
"I don't see why not once you've healed, but it shouldn't be your number one priority, Raph, and Leo understands that, don't you, Leo?"
"Of course," Leo said. Making love to Raph, Leo thought in abject mortification? I hadn't thought of it. Of course he'll want to make love once he heals. The idea disgusts me, but….
"Good," Raphael said. "How long do ya think it'll be before I can go back ta my room or am I gonna move in with ya, Leo?"
Again, something else Leo hadn't considered. Sharing a room with his immediate younger brother. "Whatever you want," Leo managed. "After all, we're a couple now and it's normal to share a room."
"I'm gonna be just fine," Raphael said bravely. "I got Leo, Donnie, and I'm gonna be up and walkin' before long and back on patrol. Chrome dome ain't gonna make me scared of my own shadow. I'm back, Donnie. And I'm gonna get revenge on tin grin. See how he likes the taste of steel up his ass! I'm a badass, not a weakling!"
"I sure hope so," Don said, not convinced. He'd read up on rape survivors and the PTSD they went through afterwards, some of them committing suicide, unable to deal with their self-loathing and degradation and he had a feeling there was still a long road ahead. It was just like Raphael to declare he was okay when he wasn't, but his strong act wasn't fooling him and he knew it wouldn't fool Leo either. He was grateful Leo was there for Raphael, but it unnerved him how suddenly he'd gotten with Raphael when just days prior he'd been with Lotus. I have to talk to Leo and clear up things, he thought.
"And, Donnie," Raphael said. "Don't tell the family 'bout my condition or what could happen. I wanna be the one ta tell them when I'm ready."
"Of course. Take all the time you need."
"I'm just getting you some food, Raph. I'll be back soon," Leo said. "Okay, baby?" he said, and kissed Raphael's beak.
"Okay. Hey, Leo, if it's not too much trouble…"
"Nothing's too much trouble," Leo said, and kissed his knuckles on his hand.
"Can ya get me some hot chocolate with marshmallows?"
"Yes. I'll be back now, sweetheart," Leo said, and touched his lips to Raphael's.
"Get some rest, Raph," Don said. "And know my door is always open."
XXX
Inside the kitchen, as Leo prepared Raphael's food, he and Donnie were talking. "So," Don said over his coffee cup. "Since when are you and Raph a couple? Are you even gay? What about you and Lotus? Do you even love Raph as more than a brother?"
Leo turned around and said, "We kissed on the rooftop and that's why I stormed off. I was shocked and told him it was wrong for him to love me. We're brothers."
"Not biologically."
"We were still raised as brothers. And don't bring up Mikey. That was a one-time drunken mistake. I've never thought of you guys as anything, but my brothers. My little brothers and my heart's always been with Lotus, but that kiss did awake something. I don't know what…."
"So everything you said in there was a lie, Leo? How much you care for him and how wonderful he is and he's your hero?"
"No, that part was true. He is my hero and I do care for him as my brother. It could grow into love, right, Don?"
Anger flared up in Don's eyes and he hissed, "Raphael doesn't need it to grow, Leo. He needs it now and to know you really do love him and emotional support. It's unfair to him to lie to him and he's going to be devastated. What if the feelings don't grow? What then? You're with someone you don't love and poor Raph could have been with someone, who genuinely loved him. Think about that. You need to be honest with him. Not now. When he's had some time to recuperate. Telling him now…I can't believe this. What about Lotus?"
"I called her and broke things off, Don, and I meant what I said. I'll be there for Raph. I made a promise to him and I can't back out."
"Yeah, you'll look like a shit. I know what you're doing. Trying to help Raph, but telling him you love him when you don't isn't helping, Leo. It's cruel. And you're far from a cruel person, so do the right thing, okay?"
Leo nodded and said, "I will. Do you love him and regret cheating on him?"
"I regret hurting him, yes, and not being honest with him, but I don't regret what April and I did. I love her, Leo, and I know she loves me. As for Raph, my love doesn't extend beyond brotherly and I regret what we had. It shouldn't have happened. I'm beat. Remember what I said, Leo. Despite Raph's gruff exterior, he's a gentle soul, possibly the most sensitive of us."
"I understand. Night, Don."
XXX
Leo carried the food and drink on a tray into the infirmary and set it down on the table. "Hey, baby," Leo said softly and took Raphael's hand in his.
"Hi," Raphael said. "Ya were gone a long time."
"Talking to Donnie. You need another pillow, anything else?"
"Just ya bein' here is enough. It's funny," Raphael said and gave a dry laugh.
"What is?"
"Took me bein' raped for ya ta confess yer feelings 'bout me. Would ya have done so if I hadn't been raped?"
"Yes. I realized right away after we fought how dumb I was and I wanted to call you, but I thought you'd still be mad and would ignore me," Leo lied.
"Oh."
"It doesn't matter now, Raph," Leo said, stroking his cheek. "We're together."
"What 'bout Lotus?"
"I called things off. I don't want her. Only you."
"But I'm fucked up and a hot mess, Leo," Raphael said, stifling a sob and tears pricking his eyes.
"Hey, hey," Leo said gently and kissed his lips. "You're not fucked up or a hot mess. You're still my warrior brother and….mate, the most courageous guy I've ever known and you will get through this. We will. I promise."
"Do ya hate me?"
"Now why would I hate you?"
"Because…I…He…was in me, Leo, and I couldn't fight back. I was powerless and then it started feelin' good after a while and then it fuckin' hurt again and I couldn't do nothin', but lie there, Leo, and I cried. I screamed, like a fuckin' pussy. I was weak and everythin' I despised. And the tears wouldn't stop comin'. I hate myself for fuckin' lettin' him see me that way. I thought I was indestructible, Leo, but I ain't. I'm pathetic and ya have every right ta hate me. I hate myself," Raphael said, bowing his head and weeping uncontrollably, his shoulders shaking.
Leo hadn't seen Raphael sob since they were kids and it broke his heart. He tilted Raphael's face up and gazed into his stunning emerald eyes and whispered, "Baby, it wasn't your fault and you aren't weak. And I could never hate you. Nothing you could say or do would make me hate you. You're incredible. I love you, Raph. Look at me and repeat after me, 'I, Hamato, Raphael, am incredible.'
"That's stupid, Leo."
"No, it's not. Do it."
Raphael sniffed and said, "I, Hamato, Raphael, am incredible."
"And a figher and warrior and brave."
"And a fighter and warrior and brave."
"And sexy and smart and gorgeous…."
"Leo!"
"Go on."
"And sexy and smart and gorgeous."
"Leo's hero and adored by him."
"Leo's hero and adored by him."
"Keep saying that to yourself, Raphie. It's true. All of it."
"Raphie…Ya haven't called me that in years."
"You don't like it?"
"No….I like it when ya call me it," Raphael said bashfully. "This is so surreal. Me, ya, us. I can't believe ya like me back."
"Believe it, sweetheart. Now, drink up and eat. And then rest."
"Okay. Yer not eatin'?"
"I'll grab something later."
Leo handed him the tray and Raphael ate and drank. Then Raphael lay down again, settling back against the pillows, and stretched out his arms. "Leo, will ya sleep with me?"
"Of course," Leo said, stripping off his gear and mask and climbing into bed. Raphael looked at him approvingly and Leo blushed. Other than Mikey, no one had seen him naked and he felt shy.
"Better," Raphael said, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling into his neck, inhaling his musk scent. "Need ya beside me, Leo. Need ta know yer here and I'm safe. Fuck, I sound sappy sayin' that."
"I'm not going anywhere," Leo said and kissed his forehead. "Not now. Not ever. Rest, Raphie. I love you."
"Love ya too," Raphael said, and closed his eyes.
Raphael soon fell asleep, and, as Leo listened to his gentle snoring, he thought, Donnie's right. Once Raph's better and if I haven't fallen in love with him, I have to be honest and tell him. He deserves someone who loves him. I just hope he doesn't hate me.
