Disclaimer: I
own nothing. I bow at the feet of the lovely, undoubtedly hat-headed
Amy Sherman-Palladino.
Rating: R
(language, adult content)
Summary: Jess
returns to Stars Hollow for a special event and is confronted with
his past mistakes in more ways than one.
Chapter One: Into the Hollow
Being here was a mistake. He knew that now. But now was a little too late, wasn't it? He was already here. He had promised to be here and he intended to keep this promise. However, that was before...before he got here...before he saw her. Sitting, laughing, talking animatedly like only she could, the shine in her eyes as clear from across the room as it was to the man she spoke with, he knew. Her hair kept falling across her eye and when the man she was with would move it, he felt his stomach tighten and lurch. Shouldn't that have gone away at least? After three years, shouldn't the feelings that she evoked in him be gone?
No, because he knew that this was his punishment for fucking it all up.
Why did she have to be so god damned beautiful still? Why did she have to look at the man with the hair moving fingers like he was the only thing in the room? Why didn't he ever realize that she had looked at him like that at one time, too? Maybe it was just the look she gave to the man she just happened to be involved with because he remembers seeing that look in her eyes when she looked at the other one, too.
The other was there, as well, on the opposite side of the room, sitting next to his very tired looking and very pregnant wife. He, too, was staring at her like she was the most precious thing he had ever seen. He would look away briefly, turn his attention back to his wife and the table where conversation was in full swing but his gaze would always return and with it the deep sense of loss that one knew when one had loved her.
Rory Gilmore, the heartbreaker of Stars Hollow.
It looked as though Jess and Dean finally had something in common. If wonders never ceased.
Jess hadn't been back to the sleepy little 'burb since his mother's wedding. And he hadn't seen Rory since his pathetic attempt to get her to run away with him. At the time it sounded like a good idea, a great one, even, but in retrospect, he never really thought she would say yes but he knew he at least had to try. She had been right when she said he was crazy. He'll admit it, he was. And those self-help books of Luke's certainly didn't help. They made him believe that it was possible, made him envision a life with her and made him certifiably insane. But no matter the embarrassment he felt afterwards, he wouldn't have changed a thing. He had to do it. He had to put it out there, regardless that he failed. Miserably. It was just something he had to do.
Now, here he was doing something else he just had to do. He wasn't complaining. Far from it. Some time away from this bizarro world made him miss it. A little. He felt pretty good about coming back here again. He wasn't a drifter anymore. He wasn't sleeping with six other guys in a loft on a sleeping bag. He had a job, a good one, at that. He paid his bills on time, he lived in a modest apartment on his own, and he had bought a car that was neither a rust bucket nor a road hazard. Jess was now an honest-to-goodness upstanding citizen.
He wondered what the hell happened to him on more than one occasion.
A tap on his shoulder snapped him out of his reverie and he turned to see the one person other than Rory that he wasn't too keen on seeing. However, where he was, he couldn't get away without having a conversation with her.
"Hey, Lorelai. You, um, you look..."
"I know," Lorelai interrupted with a smirk. "You don't have to say-"
"But I wanted to."
"You thought you should."
"No, I was trying to-"
"Don't worry about it," she said, holding up her hand. She took a deep breath and smiled. "Still awkward after all this time, huh?"
"I guess so." Jess shifted from one foot to the other. "Thanks for inviting me."
"Of course we would invite you, Jess. Did you think we wouldn't?"
He shrugged and felt his cheeks start to burn. He stared down at his shoes, willing himself to stay in check. How was it that Lorelai could instantly make him feel like the 17 year-old fuck up that he used to be in a matter of minutes?
Seeing his discomfort, Lorelai decided to drop the question. "Are you going to sit with us? Or was there someplace else that you wanted to..."
She trailed off as she saw his gaze shift to Rory and back down at his feet. She had to admit that she felt bad for the kid. It couldn't be easy for him to be back here. Not after everything that happened when he lived here and not with everything that happened after. She heard how much he had improved and although it took some convincing…okay, a lot of convincing on Luke's part, she believed it. Just looking at him now, it was obvious that he was not the little punk that he had been when he moved here. It was also obvious that he never let go of everything in Stars Hollow.
"I'll sit wherever," Jess finally answered.
"You're the best man, so if you want to sit with us, you can or if you don't, you can sit with my mother and father," Lorelai told him with a smile.
"I guess that decides it then," Jess said, a small chuckle escaping him.
"Luke is really happy that you came, Jess. It means a lot to him, you know."
He shrugged again and Lorelai wondered if he had really changed all that much. He still could barely grunt out a sentence.
"Okay, then…I guess we should go-"
"Look, Lorelai, I don't want this to be uncomfortable for you…for anyone sitting at that table," Jess said, suddenly.
"It'll be fine."
"Yeah, I'm sure it's going to be a blast," he muttered.
Lorelai stopped herself from rolling her eyes and sighing in exasperation. "The situation will be what you make of it. It's not a secret that you were coming."
"I think I'll get a drink first."
"That might not be such a bad idea."
"Would you like something?"
"No, I have my martini at the table but thank you for asking." She smiled at him and for the first time that she could ever remember, it felt genuine. That felt good.
Jess walked over to the bar and ordered a beer. He turned to look back at the room and shook his head. Despite the fact that his conversation with Lorelai didn't go nearly as badly as he had thought it would, he still didn't feel completely comfortable being here. The only thing he could be thankful for was that there weren't a lot of people here for the rehearsal dinner. He suspected that the entire town would be at the wedding tomorrow. That's when he had to not be so nervous. They hadn't seen him in three years and once word got around, probably was as he stood there, he would be the talk of the town and watched so closely. That was something he did not miss about this town. It was one big sewing-circle and he didn't have to worry about that where he was now. He didn't even know his neighbors name, which suited them both just fine, he assumed.
He was here for Luke. The guy finally got lucky. He finally got the woman of his dreams and Jess was happy for his uncle. Only under dire circumstances would he ever admit that the possibility of seeing her, maybe even talking with her was a strong deciding factor in coming here. It was for Luke. Just for Luke.
He saw his mother and T.J. walk in and he quickly turned around. Things weren't as tense as they once were but he was still trying to collect his thoughts, get his armor back on and find the nerve to go sit at that table. The table with Rory. The table with Rory and some guy who moved her hair out of her eyes. He hated that guy.
He still wanted to be that guy.
"You plan on joining us some time tonight or are you just going to stand here and pretend this isn't happening?"
Jess turned back around and smiled at Luke. Luke grabbed him and gave him a hug, something he hadn't done since Jess left the last time. Luke patted him on the back and let him go and shook his head.
"You couldn't get a haircut?"
"I didn't think it would matter. I thought you would be wearing that baseball hat during the ceremony."
"Have you met Lorelai?" Luke joked. He turned somber suddenly and Jess gave him a questioning look. "There's something I didn't get a chance to tell you. It just happened and I left you a message to call me back but you didn't."
"Sorry about that. I was working a lot this week to make up for the days off. What's up?"
"Well, it…it's, well-"
"Luke, jeez, will you spit it out. It can't be that bad."
"It's Rory, Jess."
"What about her?" Jess felt his stomach tighten yet again. This couldn't be good. It just couldn't.
"What about me?"
Luke spun around and Jess looked behind him to see her. Her blue eyes seemed even bluer with the dress she wore, her skin still so soft and creamy looking and that hair. He missed her shiny, long hair.
"Hey, Jess. Good to see you," Rory said, her smile forced which surprised her. She had time to prepare for this and she thought she had the fake smile down pat. "Finally with these two, right?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, don't you start," Luke told her, lightly. "I'm gonna go sit with your mother before she…starts doing that! Lorelai!"
They watched him run off toward their table and laughed as Lorelai pulled on one of Luke's flannel shirts out of a shopping bag. She was already wearing his blue baseball hat and was reenacting one of Luke's many fights with Taylor.
"She's still a trip, I see," Jess said.
"Did you expect something different?"
"Absolutely not." Jess looked around the room again. He couldn't look at her. He wanted to but he just couldn't. He didn't even know what to say. Just looking at her made everything he felt for her come rushing back. It made the memories of the last time he saw her an instant movie in his mind. He felt nauseous. He felt like running.
Come with me. Don't think about it.
I can't do that.
"So, how long are you staying?"
Jess shook his head. "Sorry, what did you-"
He stopped himself as the man with the fingers came up behind Rory and wrapped his arms around her waist. Her eyes widened and she looked at Jess quickly before she recovered and smiled, leaning against the man behind her.
"Everything okay, Ace?"
Rory nodded. "Jess, I'd like you meet Logan. Logan, this is Jess, Luke's nephew."
"Hey, how are you doing?" Logan said, relinquishing his hold on Rory and holding out his hand to Jess.
He took it and hated that he did.
"Fine, fine. Nice to meet you," Jess said, hoping he sounded somewhat convincing.
"Logan is…" Rory stopped herself and took a deep breath. "Logan's my fiancé."
Only say "no" if you really don't want to be with me.
No!
"Congratulations."
