When Love and Hate Collide.
Chapter 7, If You Have A Heart At All.
Sirius had made his way to the hills overlooking Hogsmeade and sat down to watch the world pass him by. He watched the innocent villagers carry out their day-to-day lives, none even bothering to notice the depressed teen sitting on the hill above them.
He flicked the knife in his hand open, watching the sunlight set it alight with a cold detatchment. He deserved this. He deserved everything that came his way.
Remus' necklace was held loosely in his left fist, while he held the knife in his right one. He ran it gently over his wrist, following the path of ancient scars. The knife nicked his wrist, blood bubbling gently from the shallow cut. He continued the soft strokes, re-opening one of the scars. He'd learned this habit a while ago, realising that if he kept the cut covered until it was healed, no one would realise anything was wrong, there would just be old scars. It wasn't often that he became so depressed that he cut his wrists.
The scar he was opening now was the one time he'd actually considered ending it all. He had been sitting on his bed in Hogwarts on his second day there, after receiving his mother's Howler for being in Gryffindor. He'd realised at that point that his parents would never love him, and he'd given up. Ironically enough, it was Remus who had saved him. The young boy had come in crying, and Sirius' caring instincts had taken over. He'd bandaged the cut up and crept into Remus' bed with him, helping him deal with what had happened.
It turned out that one of the second year Slytherins had knocked him over in the corridoor and started saying nasty things about him. The hormonal Werewolf (Sirius didn't know it at the time, but Remus was more sensitive because it was the Full Moon the next night) had become so upset that he'd started crying.
The cut continued to deepen, but Sirius knew it wouldn't get deep enough, and he couldn't continue it for much longer. His natural shut-off valve, as he called it.
Pushing his fears aside and pulling his self-disgust and anger to the front of his mind, he pressed harder with the knife, feeling his flesh split beneath the blade. Blood began gushing from the wound, as Sirius methodically cleaned his knife and put it away. He wrapped a pre-torn part of his shirt around his wrist and pulled it gently to his chest, curling up and sleeping. He felt so tired, so, so tired, and maybe now he wouldn't have nightmares of Remus' pale, angry, betrayed face.
So tired...
Remus and James hurried through the tunnel. There was no reason, absolutely none, why Sirius shouldn't have returned, and they had both agreed that they should search for him.
They were rather surprised to find him almost immediatley when they arrived on the other side of the tunnel. He was sleeping, curled on his side at his favourite spot on the hill overlooking Hogsmeade.
They didn't notice the blood until they were reaching to wake him up.
Madame Pomfrey exited the private room of the Hospital Wing to talk to the two scared looking boys sitting on one of the beds.
"Well? How is he?" James asked her impatiently.
"He'll live. He has a slight case of hypothermia, it looks like he was sitting there all night. He wrapped his wrist up quickly, so the blood flow was stemmed, and it'll be okay. He missed the vein by a tiny amount, which is very lucky. I've put healing salve on the cuts, and given him a Pepper-Up Potion and a Blood-Replenishing Potion. He's going to stay in here tonight, then he'll be released into your custody."
"Custody?" Remus gasped.
"The physical injuries will be healed by tomorrow, but the mental scars will take a lot longer to heal. Sirius did this to himself, which means he may do it again. Now, I can release him into your custody, boys, and trust that you know what happened and can prevent it from happening again, or I can hand all of this over to the Ministry, and let them deal with this."
"We'll look after him, Madame Pomfrey. Can we see him?"
"He's sleeping, and you two should be at dinner. You can see him tomorrow morning, when you come to collect him." She seemed to soften suddenly. "Listen, boys, this is a difficult situation. I think we all know what brought this on, but the important thing right now is making sure it doesn't happen again. I think that the best way of doing that is having you two sort him out, treat him the way you normally treat him. However, I don't want him left alone for any length of time."
"Okay, we'll be here first thing tomorrow. Thanks, Madame P." James grinned rakishly at her, both of them smiling with relief that Sirius was okay.
