Inuyasha; A Feudal Fairy Tale – The Sesshoumaru Blues
Chapter Thirteen – Horrah for Nonsense!
-The Inuyasha cast, Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippou, Miroku, Sango, Kikyou, Sesshoumaru, and Naraku—plus the OCs Shuku, Rikkimaru, and Zayane sit on a stage They seem to be in front of a studio audience. Inuyasha just happens to be in the middle of Kikyou and Kagome; Shippou next to Kagome, Miroku and Sango next to him. Rikkimaru is cockblocked by Shuku as she chooses to sit next to Sango since Rikkimaru was once caught looking at her goods. Zayane is next to her son, with Sesshoumaru after her and Naraku at the end because he's been a bad boy.-
Inuyasha: -mumbling- We're here to answer questions and stuff.
-Kagome thwacks him upside the head-
Kagome: Do your part right!
-Kikyou eyeballs Kagome-
Kikyou: I'd never treat you like that, Inuyasha -sweet talking-
-Inuyasha blushes putting a hand behind his head. Kagome reaches for Kikyou ready to slap her. Miroku reaches over Shippou and pulls Kagome back into her seat. Everyone narrows their eyes.-
Rikkimaru: I knew this turn into some Jerry Springing crap. Anyways, what Inuyasha means is we'll be answering questions directed towards us, or an individual.
Zayane, if it's the feudal era, what exactly do you wash Sesshoumaru's hair with?
-Zayane looks at Sesshoumaru, stunned. Sesshoumaru looks back, shocked as well. Zayane doesn't know how to answer. She stares off into space.-
Inuyasha: She uses shit, cuz that punk ass bitch always smells like it!
-Laughter from the crowd. Sesshoumaru stands up ready to slap Inuyasha. Zayane grabs Sesshoumaru by the waist, sitting him back down.-
Zayane: Inuyasha, shut yer face! And to answer that, I dunno probably something herbal.
Inuyasha: Like shit.
Zayane: Kagome, check yo man before I open a can of whoop ass on him.
Kagome: Inuyasha, play nice.
Inuyasha: Fuck you, slut. Oh wait, Sesshoumaru already did.
-Laughter from the crowd, and Inuyasha and Kikyou are the only ones laughing on the stage. Everyone leans out of their seats to look down at Inuyasha. Kagome in particular is burning up with rage. Zayane is nearly in tears, and Sesshoumaru is pretty angry that Zayane held him back from laying the smackith down upon Inuyasha the first remark.-
Kagome: O-suwari!
-Inuyasha kisses the floor with his face. The crowd laughs and cheers for Kagome. Kagome blushes a little, giving a timid wave to her fans.-
Shuku: -rolling eyes- Next question, please…
Inuyasha cast, how do you feel about the OCs?
Inuyasha: -getting back into his chair, sitting- I'm fine with Shuku, but Rikkimaru and Zayane… Don't know.
-Zayane and Rikkimaru shoot a nasty look at Inuyasha. Sesshoumaru looks both ways-
Sesshoumaru: I'll have to agree with you, Inuyasha. I don't think I could see myself with Zayane. I don't think anyone else can either. I can't see myself with a son, either.
Zayane: O M F G -she starts crying- So you meant it when you did Kagome?
-Kagome covers her face, to hide her redness. Inuyasha narrows his eyes, the mud being thrown in his direction now.-
Shuku: Well! It happened to take responsibility for your family!
-Crowd likes to hear women that are pro-family. They give one of those 'hell yeah' types of applauses. Shuku is frozen in her tracks by stage fright, realizing how many people watching her. She slowly takes her seat.-
Zayane: You asshole! Sesshoumaru and Naraku, switch places!
-Naraku was minding his own business when he gets a signal from the director to switch places with Sesshoumaru. Naraku is shocked that some one is actually talking to him for a change. They switch places, Sesshoumaru reluctantly, Naraku willing-
Naraku: Hey baby.
-Zayane looks at Naraku, and notices tentacles rolling from under his baboon cloak. Zayane makes a heaving noise, ready to vomit.-
Kikyou: Next question.
Miroku, on the night everyone was drunk, did you get some from Sango?
-The crowd 'wooos' at Miroku and Sango as they turn bright red. They look at each other not saying anything. They look away.-
Rikkimaru: Everyone knows you two did! Gawd, ya'll sound like cats going at it. Loud as hell!
Sango: Sh-shut up, Rikkimaru!
Miroku: -Boasting- She was quite a freak in the bed. -Inuyasha and Miroku high five one another- Am I right?
Inuyasha: I'd hit it.
-The girls curse and scream at Inuyasha for even saying something like that. Sango remains quiet and beet red.-
Inuyasha: -Pointing- Look, see! She not denying her freakiness either!
Sango: Hoshi-sama(1)! -Sango coos, smacking Miroku in the face out of delight, but who could tell. Miroku ended up being knocked out of his chair, falling off the stage. Sango looks over the edge a bit- Sorry!
Kikyou: -Irritated- Next question for the love of god.
OCs, what is with the plot twists?
-Shuku, Rikkimaru, and Zayane look at each other-
Rikkimaru: Look! Just because the author made us fit into the Inuyasha realm does not mean we can explain her reasoning for the drama llama being everywhere nowadays!
Zayane: I like it. I mean, I got to (in this order): Die, screw Sesshoumaru, have his child, die some more, come back to life, catch him cheating on me, kick Kouga's ass, and screw him some more. How lucky am I?
Kagome: Very…
Inuyasha: What was that?
Kagome: Er, nothing xX;;;;;;;;
Kikyou, did you really help Sesshoumaru to get on Naraku's nerves?
Naraku: I was shocked that Kikyou would do that since I put the moves on her—and I put them on her hard.
-Inuyasha's jaw dropped. He turns to Kikyou.-
Inuyasha: You slut.
Kikyou: I don't know what he's talking about. I did it to get on his nerves, like the question said.
Naraku: That's because I put the loving on you so good you were to ashamed to tell Inuyasha. So now I'm guessing you hate me. -evil grin-
-Kikyou couldn't get any paler for the fact that she was a zombie, but she would have listening to Naraku.-
Kikyou: Don't listen to him! He's trying to put us against each other.
Inuyasha: -Sniffling- Kikyou and Zayane switch places!
-Kikyou is shocked that Inuyasha sold her up the river. The director makes the motion to Kikyou to give up her seat to Zayane. Kikyou glares into a dark spot along side of the audience, probably where the director is.-
Kikyou: I'm MOVING! Gawd. I can't believe this.
Naraku: -Laughing- And history repeats itself! -making a reference to when he got Inuyasha and Kikyou to kill each other-
-Zayane sits next to Inuyasha, and they both lean their heads on one another's as they pretend to be the real victims here. Now the sitting order is (left to right): Zayane, Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippou, Miroku, Sango, Shuku, Rikkimaru, Kikyou, Naraku, and Sesshoumaru dead last.-
Kagome, how was Sesshoumaru, by the way?
-Everyone gasps. Kagome sighs. She puts on dorky glasses and gets a pointer out.-
Kagome: Lights please! -The light shut off, and a projector turns on. It is a picture of a futon with the blanket adjacent to the futon.- Exhibit A: The futon Sesshoumaru and I 'slept' in. As you can see there are no blood stains anywhere. Thus meaning, I went into the room a virgin and came out one. Exhibit B -Kagome whacks the pointer against the wall- The futon blanket. Also no traces of blood although with a little research and some help from a crime lab. The only thing to be concluded was the blotch of white stuff right here. -Projector flips panels, showing a close-up of the futon blanket Sesshoumaru darts his eyes both ways-
Sesshoumaru: Okay, KaHOme I think they get it now.
Kagome: No, no they don't. The crime lab told me, that this blotch of white stuff was semen with no traces of my DNA, which means Sesshoumaru was jerking off when I was sleeping from my buzz.
Sesshoumaru: I was drunk! I didn't know better! I was oh so lonely with out my Zay -Sesshoumaru's eyes are all googlly now from holding back his tears. Zayane eyes became just a googlly-
Zayane: Do you mean that? -Sniffle-
Sesshoumaru: Yes I do snookems.
Shippou: So this means Kagome isn't a slut?
-TRAIN CRASH. Everyone had forgotten about Shippou.-
Kagome: Lights! -The lights turn back on, and the projector shuts off.- Shippou! Don't you ever say that word!
Shippou: Oh STFU. You're still a slut for getting naked in the same bed with some one's baby's daddy.
-RECORD SCRATCH-
Inuyasha: Goddamn! Shippou is a little gangsta. But I'm sorry Kagome, that slide show will not help me instantly forgive you. We're going to have to start from cratch.
Kagome: Fine! -Sit back down- Next question.
Rikkimaru, You seem like a major emo for wearing a black Inuyasha get up with black hair. So are you?
Rikkimaru: -Pulls his hair in front of his face- Let all my pain and angst be washed away in a sea of tears, because the birds are dying, man. The birds are dying.
Shuku: Oh no. Oh no! I am not dating an emo kid! Miroku!
Miroku: -Stops looking at Sango's rack for a moment- Yeah?
Shuku: A need a sutra that expels emo from the body, ASAP!
Miroku: I'd thought you'd never ask! -Miroku smacks a Sutra on Rikkimaru's forehead immobilizing him. Miroku speaks in the tongues of a black minister- Lord! Free this boy from sin! Let the devil be removed from his body! Can I get a witness?
Sango, Kikyou, Zayane, and Shuku: Amen!
Miroku: I said-ah, Can I-ah, Get-ah, A witness? Lord-ah, Please-ah, expel-ah, this punk ass bitch demon-ah, from Rikkimaru's-ah, body-ah!
Kikyou: Praise JESUS!
-Naraku falls out of his chair. Oh great. Naraku rolls around on the floor, chanting in tongues—his body possessed with the holy ghost-
Shuku: Naraku has the holy ghost! Oh Lord!
Inuyasha: -RECORD SCRATCH- Wait, you idiots, isn't the holy ghost reserved for Black people?
-Everyone looks at Zayane-
Zayane: Don't look at me; I like Anime that instantly disqualifies me. -shifty eyes-
-They all nod and mumble, 'true true'. Naraku gets back into his chair depressed that he can't roll around on the floor.-
Miroku: Anyways-ah, Emo succubus-ah, leave-ah this-ah boy-ah! -A dark aura goes flying out of Rikkimaru's body- The boy is saved!
Sango, Kikyou, Zayane, and Shuku: Hallelujah!
Rikkimaru: I saw the light!
Sesshoumaru: How touching, now get your dumb-asses back to your seats.
-Everyone scrambles to get back to their seats."
Shippou: Any more questions?
Will this story ever move forward to go and defeat Naraku?
-Naraku panics.-
Naraku: Hurt me? My pretty face? Hurt my pretty face! -Naraku hyperventilates-
Zayane: I don't know. It's difficult to say. We all just might hang around and hope that Naraku defeats himself or something.
Inuyasha: Yeah, with all his incarnations out there, I'm sure one is going to knife him in the back.
Naraku: Knife me? My pretty back? Knife my pretty back? -more hyperventilating-
-Shuku clings to Rikkimaru, tighter than ever now that the emo has been expelled from his body. Rikkimaru has swirling eyes from the whole ordeal-
Kikyou: Where are these questions coming from anyways…?
Everyone: ……
Zayane: -Singing, while pointing at Naraku- He's a cold hearted snake, look into his eyes.
-Naraku points at himself, confused-
Zayane: Uh oh oh, he's been telling lies.
Naraku: So true. So so true! ;
Kagome: Next question!
How do you guys feel about a Sesshoumaru's Blues musical?
Sesshoumaru: I wouldn't mind, as long as I got the lead.
Inuyasha: Fuck dat. I'm getting the lead.
Shippou: Fuck you idiots, I'm getting dah lead.
-CRASH, GLASS SHATTER-
Director: And cut—!
つづく(Tsuzuku)
Author's notes/Translation notes:
(1)Miroku's Japanese alias. "Monk"
Hehe, a tribute to various questions ya'll might have and a celebration of nearly 1000 hits! GO ME! Please Endure!
