Chapter 2: The Unbreakable laws of Anime
(GR on the bed in the hotel in a fetal position)
Blackfire: Honey, will you stop acting OOC.
GR: You aren't the one turned into anime character with over exagerated expressions and features.
Pain: So you're anime, big deal. Muramaki made the whole damn Titans show based off Anime.
GR: At least they didn't have lips that moved in exaggerated flaps.
Blackfire: I think they did actually
GR: The point is I'm stuck like this for who knows how long? And you saw me back there I was more wierd then usual.
Pain: Yeah what the hell was that anyway?
Blackfire: The Doctor said that since Rage is now a anime character he has to follow all the unbreakable laws of anime until the poison works out of his system.
Pain: Yeesh that sucks. Does this mean we can go home now?
GR: No we are not going home, not with me like this we aren't. We're staying until this accursssed poison leaves my system.
Pain: So what do we do now then?
Blackfire: We're in Tokyo, what do you think?
Pain: I think this trip sucks.
GR: (Head grows huge with razor teeth) We already know that! Shut up!
Pain: Yeah I know I was testing to see how'd you react.
(GR's face turns to an exaggerated frown with little wavy lines above his head and a vein in his forehead)
Blackfire: Honey could you not pester your father in this condition. The unbreakable laws of anime are extremely dangerous especially to someone who wasn't an anime character before.
Pain: Oh please, what could go wrong?
(Chime goes off)
GR: (Question mark above head)What was that?
(Knock at door, Blackfire slides it open revealing a Tokyo cop)
Cop: I feel the need to warn you all to stay off the street for a couple of hours, its nine o-clock you see.
Blackfire: Your point?
Cop: Nine O'Clock is Rubber Monster Happy Fun Destruction Time.
Pain: Huh?
Cop: It means a Giant Rubber Suited monster is going to be blowing up the city at this time.
GR: What giant monster?
(Giant Green Dinosaur roars and passes the window while he chuck a car into the air)
GR: (Sweatdrop appears on side of head) Okay...that was weird.
Blackfire: Um honey you have a drop of water on you.
(GR notices it and grabs it and throws it off)
GR: Stupid Laws of Anime
Pain: Hey look, that cop feela wasn't kidding about the whole Monster happy fun destruction time thing. They even have a show going on right now.
(All gather round TV and watch as a very strange intro plays with a freaky incomprihensable song playing along with it. Into is basically a a monster smashing building for no reason whatsoever and killing and munching down humans. By contrast the music that is being played is happy and upbeat.)
Announcer: It is the Monster Happy Fun Destruction Time show! With your hosts Kakugisaki an Mamakomomo.
Kakugisaki: Thank you Announcer-San.
Mamakomomo: Honour preposed upon you and your family
Kakugisaki: Tonight monster fans, we have a big super number one episode for you. Today's monster is new, a giant green dinosaur thingy with laser eyes and green barf powers.
Mamakomomo: Sounds like super fun, lets watch.
(Monster seen attacking powerlines for no reason when suddenly it gets hit by several familar objects that Blackfire, Sergeant Pain and General Rage recognise)
Pain: Did that look like a disk?
Blackfire: That couldn't have been a starbolt!
GR: (With a look of pure surprise, pointing at the screen in over dramatic way with a large wow backgrtound behind him) AH IT CAN"T BE!
(Sonic blasts hits monster in the chest and leaves a gapping hole that is eventually covered up. Camera shifts to reveal the Teen Titans)
Blackfire: You have got to be friggin kidding me.
GR: (In chibi form, acting all excited) The Titans are taking a vacation in the same city as me! This is almost to good an opportunity to pass up.
Pain: Mom, why is dad my size exactly?
(GR reverts back to normal)
GR: Sorry, Anime laws again.
Blackfire: Honey you can't possibly be thinking about trying to make the Titan's lives miserable on our vacation.
GR: Well no, but its the perfect time to ask a favour from one of my friends in the states. (Calls on phone) Yes hello, its me dude. Operation: Screw with Titans is undergo. You know what to do. Begin planning the stuff in the T-Tower. Oh and remember to fill Robin's room with gelatin, that will be classic. (Hangs up)
Blackfire: So what now?
GR: Well the simple fact that the Titans are in this city with us means we'll have to be careful. If they find out we're here Robin will be down our throats with his super prickiness.
Blackfire: Good point. So with that monster on the streets things should be a little less crowded, think we can go out now?
GR: Of course, Tokyo awaits us!
Pain: We're going to screw with this city so bad before this is over huh?
GR: You bet we are! (Over exaggerated happy smile)
(Later in Tokyo...)
GR: Okay we're gonna need a car, I didn't really plan on getting one at the airport. I don't trust airport rentals anyway.
Pain: I'll grab us one. (Takes out tire iron and smashes nearby car window and quickly silences alarm) Okay get in.
GR: Sergeant Pain no! No! I told you when we're on vacation we do not commit crimes.
Blackfire: Besides everyone knows the only cars here in Japan are electric.
Car: True but we are also fully automated.
Pain: AHH! Talking car! (Smacks dashboard with tire iron repeatedly until it starts to spark)
Car: I only wanted to be loved. (Dies)
GR: Great, first day in Tokyo and my son has already commited grand theft auto, destruction of property and killed an AI lifeform.
Pain: So they we're just going eventually become sentient and destroy us all. I'm saving the world from horrors of tommorow.
GR: (Sighs and little bit of visible air comes out of his mouth) Well, it could be worse.
(Kid with a baseball cap and a stupid vest on jumps out)
Ash: I'm Ash Ketchum and I'm going to be the world's greatest Pokemon master! Yeah!
(All look at him like he's stupid)
GR: Okay, thats nice.
Blackfire: Setting your goal a little high aren't you? I mean, its a pretty loose goal.
Pain: Well actually its easily accomplished, but it requires the right contacts and tools...mainly guns.
Ash: I don't care I'm gonna be the world greatest trainer! Now prepare to battle.
GR: What?
Ash: Pikachu go!
(Little yellow rat jumps out)
Pikachu: Pika.
GR: What am I supposed to do? I don't have a...(Looks at Sergeant Pain)
Pain: What are you staring at me for?
(GR picks up Pain and plops him into battle arena while doing a super exaggerated pose)
GR: I choose you Sergeant Painachu!
Pain: What! I'm not a damn Pokemon!
GR: Oh come on! This is just pandering to young children and their excessive need to enslave and force cute little animals to fight. Its Cock fighting for toddlers basically.
Pain: Roosters don't sprout electricity out of their asses!
GR: (Head grows huge with razor teeth and is surrounded by fire) JUST DO IT!
Pain: Okay okay! Geez!
Ash: Pikachu lighting attack!
Pikachu: Pika-
(Ka-blam!)
(Pain holds smoking magnum in air while Pikachu lays on the ground dead)
Pain: I win.
Ash: No! Pikachu! (Starts craddeling body)
GR: You see, this is what happens when you get attached to your fighters, you become an annoying stupid little dumbass kid with a baseball cap and a voice that sounds like a girl.
Blackfire: I don't see the analogy.
GR: (Mopes and recieves a sweatdrop) I know I'm making this up as I go along.
Pain: Are there more of those stupid ugly yellow rats to kill?
Blackfire: Last time I checked there were over 150 species of it.
Pain: Really? I'm suddenly intrigued by this place. Come on happy family you know what they say about Pokemon, gotta kill'em all!
GR: Uh I believe its Catch'em all.
Pain: Yeah whatever I don't care. I catcth'em then kill'em for sport.Thats how I roll.
(Later at one of those Japanese Arcades...)
Blackfire: A dancing game huh? Here these are pretty tough. Bet I can beat it though.
(Places in token and dances along to the arrows on screen as the cruddy techno music starts to play)
Arcade Dude 1: Wow, the Orange girl is hot.
Arcade Dude 2: And she rocks at the Super Dancey Insane Game. Nice butt too.
GR: (Has a look of a vien in his head ready to pop plus little wavy lines above them) That's my wife.
(Arcade dudes get sudden uneasiness and step away as flames begin to engulf GR's body)
Passerby: Dude you're on fire!
GR: I know, its another one of those stupid Anime cliches.
Passerby: Anime Pufferfish poisioning?
GR: Oh yeah.
Passerby: Sorry about that.
GR: Its okay I'm getting use to it. (Looks around and notices Pain is gone) Oh crap. Say did you see a psychoctic child with a helmet and a kevlar vest pass by you.?
Passerby: I think that's him by the shooting game gallery.
(Sergeant Pain blasting away with a light gun)
Pain: Die you undead motherf--ker! Yeah! Whoose your daddy! Whoose your daddy!
GR: Son, I think Japanese games are little too violent for you.
Pain: What? I'm just killing these stupid zombies with intensely realistic blood and gore.
GR: Really? (Watches as Zombie's head gets blasted off and his eyes sparkle up) Sweet! Mind if I join in?
Pain: Sure, what better way for father and son to spend time together then bringing the undead to their knees.
GR: Cool! Hey look, its CG rendered version of Jack Thompson!
CG Jack Thompson: Meh! I'm a dumbass! I'm an American Jerkoff! Games are bad! Meh!
(GR shoots away his head)
Pain: Well thats a lawsuit.
GR: Don't you know it!
(Blackfire meanwhile beats high score on game!)
Blackfire: Yes! In your face you stupid piece earthling technocrap! I am the master of both men and machine! And I owe it all to my extremely sex body.
(Suddenly game goes off again)
Machine: Your high score has been defeated in another locale.
Blackfire: (Angered) What?
Machine: New champion's name is: Koriander Starfire! She number 1!
(Blackfire blasts machine open with a starbolt)
Blackfire: C--ksucking little bitch of a f--king little sister!
GR: Oh calm down honey you're still my dirty dancer.
Blackfire: No. I won't calm down. I demand all these arcade dancing machnes be destroyed so that no one will know I'm second best to my sister!
GR: That's a tall order.
Blackfire: Do it now!
GR: (Becomes nervous chibi-version of self) Okay, okay. I'll do it!
Pain: How? There must be a million of these dancing machines in Tokyo alone.
GR: But I have something that can take them all out! (Dramatically pulls out a floppy disk with an overexaggerated smile) This Floppy Disk!
Pain: I don't get it.
GR: (Gets a vein in forehead) Just plug this thing into the nearest Dance game and watch it whipe every score off the leader board.
Pain: This is cruel and inhumane punishment for other gamers. However I do owe some graditude to mom for not aborting me so I'll do it.
GR: There's one over there. Plug it in and lets get busy.
(Pain walks over to dance game and rips out back of machine)
Pain: Are all these thing even connected? Well if it can read other console's score boards I suppose they are. Let's see where's that hardrive oh there it is. (Touches it and sudden alarm goes off)
Speakerphones: Warning! Warning! Dance Game tampering! Search and Destroy!
(Armed Japanese Swat guys with sheilds burst in!)
Swat Guys: BANZAI!
GR: (Mouth opens in large freaked out scream) AHHHH!
Blackfire: Oh come on we can take them!
(Tear gas bottles gets thrown everywhere)
Pain: Wow, Japan takes its gaming scores seriously huh?
GR: Cheese it!
(All run out of Arcade, GR more so because he kicks up comical dirt as he runs)
Pain: How come he's faster then us! My little baby legs can't handle the pressure.
(Blackfire picks up Pain)
Blackfire: Come precious, don't want to get stick slapped by the scary Swat guys.
(Swat Guys pile out in front of door as they chase after them)
Swat: Guys: BANZAI!
(Later at a Sumo Stadium)
GR: I think we gave them the slip.
Pain: Hey look fat guys in diapers fighting! AKA Sumo Wrestling!
(Sumos slam bellys together while trying to push eachother out of the ring. Eventually one does and he flattens nearby spectators in the front row)
Blackfire: So basically it a competition for obesse people. Well at least its not fake like some American fighting institutions.
GR: You're not talking about Fight Club are you?
Blackfire: No, then I'd be violating the first two rules of Fight Club.
Pain: Besides we know she was talking about the (Name edited for legal purposes and because Wrestling fans are insane bashers). Oh damnit!
GR: Hey thats legal issues for ya. Hm this popcorn could use some salt.
Blackfire: Where the hell did you get popcorn?
GR: It another rule of anime, props can come from nowhere. Its just like those Looney Tunes shows.
Pain: Hey the fat dudes are using salt.
GR: Sounds good (Goes over to Sumo Wrestler) Hey fat boy, need some salty goodness here.
Wrestler: For your information sir, my body size is an honourable and timely tradition for this sport. Besides its my body I will treat it how I wish. (Notices popcorn) You gonna eat that? (Grabs popcorn bag and starts munching)
GR: (Eyes grow angry as a vien appears) Hey thats my popcorn! (Gets on stage and gives Sumo wrestler a diaper wedgie, Sumo Wrestler falls over on face and GR grabs popcorn back) HA In your face tubby!
(Old man with formal military dress and medals appears on stage with flanking bodyguards)
Emperor: Congratulations on your victory. Although unorthodox as it was, Japan always honours its winners. I am the emperor.
GR: Oh really huh? (Kicks emperor in the balls and he crumples to ground) That will learn ya.
Crowd: BOO! BOO! (Throws stuff at him)
GR: Oh get lost, you're the ones who don't acknowledge the existance of the rape of Nanjing.
(Crowd looks confused and starts mumbling to themselves about what GR's talking about)
GR: Great you can't even mock them about the low points in their history because they don't even know about it.
Emperor: (Gets up off ground) Ninjas! Attack!
(Ninjas jump down from above)
GR: (Sweatdrop and shivering) Ah Crap! Cheese it!
(Blackfire flies out through roof with GR and Pain in tow)
Pain: You do realise we're going to banned from this country forever now.
GR: At this point I don't care.
(Later at a comic book store)
GR: (Reading comic) I can not follow anything that they are saying in this.
Blackfire: I have an english translation here. It says "The fighter uses his strength to beat his opponents with superior technique and power." And this guy is saying "My fist smashes you horrible with extra sauce."
GR: (Sweatdrop) Uh...does that make any sense?
Blackfire: Probably losses something in the translation
GR: Hey where's Pain?
(Meanwhile in the adult section)
Pain: What the hell is this? "Date Beach, make pretty girls like you with extremeness and flatterly. Super Sex Number 1!" I don't understand any of this crap.
(GR bursts in)
GR: Sergeant Pain what the hell are you doing?
Pain: Dad, this section is full of these games called Dating sims, I've heard about them but I have no idea what the objective is. It would appear it has something to do with sex.
GR: (Grabs date sim out of hand) Give me that!
Pain: Don't you have mom to fullfill your needs?
GR: (Head grows big and is surrounded by fire) Shut up!
Store Handler: Are you buying this sir?
GR: (Gets a sweatdrop and a blushed face) What? No! My son just came in here and started looking at stuff.
Store Handler: Yeah a likely story.
GR: Its true!
(Later a kareoke bar)
GR: I hope your happy son, I had to buy all those pointless, little pieces of pasted on Hentai and porno.
Pain: What's your deal? Everyone looks at that stuff.
GR: The point is I don't need it! I already have a hot wife to fullfill my sexual desires. Why the hell would I need fake sex from fake characters!
Blackfire: Oh relax Rage, we can just sell them in America to horny Teenage boys with low self-esteem.
GR: Whatever, so whoose up next anyway?
(Light turns on to reveal a confused Beastboy)
Blackfire: Oh s--t.
GR: Quick hide!
(All get under table)
Pain: If that changleing sees us we're toast! What do we do?
GR: We'll need a viable distraction. (Notices screaming Japanese school girls listening to BB's weird rendition of the TT theme song) That will work.
Blackfire: Do you suppose that English gets mixed up in Japanese too? Cause this song is strangely unfamilar.
Pain: That and I cannot understand a word he is saying.
GR: Quick we must flee, whilst the Green one's confusing singing gives us ample time to escape!
(All sneak out door)
(Later in the backalleys of Tokyo)
Pain: Well this is turning out to be the worst vacation ever. I liked it when we went to North Korea and blew up that nuke site.
Blackfire: I hate to admit it Rage, but our complaining son has a point. This vacation sucks
GR: (Slaps forehead and leaves a giant red mark) I know okay! Between me getting poisoned, getting chased by Swat guys, attacked by ninjas, being forced to buy crappy video games that aren't really even games and having to leave a damn club because one of those Teen Titans showed up and started singing in weird lyrics the vacation sucks! I'm sorry okay!
Blackfire: Its okay honey, you tried your best. And it can't get any worse.
(Raven appears from around corner)
Raven :You have got to be friggin kidding.
GR: (Goes into overexagerated scream) AHHHH! (faints comically)
Blackfire: Whoops, didn't see that coming.
Raven: What the hell are you three doing here?
Pain: Having the worst vacation ever.
Blackfire: What about you and your friends?
Raven: Robin's going through one of his obsessive phases again, we're tracking down this villian and I'm trying to find out more about him. The others are out having fun instead.
Pain: I thought you'd be with Beastboy considering you like each other now.
Raven: We've gotten really pissed off with Robin and Starfire being so obvious. So now we're trying to be as non-obvious as possible. Other then pretending to be interested in other people we've been kinda abusing each other over the past few days...well actually I have Beastboy apparently like to recieve the punishment. Also, we've taken up Sado-Machoism. It helps releave the sexual tension and it fits in with the non-obvious theme. We'll be back to normal when this vacation is over. Then we return to normal weekly sex.
Blackfire: Wow Sado-machoism. Progressive. Never knew you were into that kinda stuff.
Raven: I'm the resident Goth of the Titans, what did you think I was into? By the way what's up with Rage?
Blackfire: He ate some fish and it poisoned his genes turning him into an anime character.
Pain: Something called an anime pufferfish.
Raven: Hmm, so you haven't been having a good vacation huh?
(GR get back up)
GR: No we haven't, now excuse us. We're going back to the hotel and waiting until this whole thing is over. (Pushes others along road with squeking and dust coming up behind them)
Blackfire: Nice meeting you!
Raven: Whatever.
(Later back at hotel)
GR: I'm official tired of this vacation. As soon as this poison wears off we're headed back home. This place sucks, I mean look at the TV here!
TV: And now it time crazy antic things for no reason!
Announcer: Today we set up super cool domino ring made of homemade items, while we watch that lets look at these woman as they shame themselves trying to cook raw fish.
(TV plays scenes of woman acting like total babies as they try to cut up live fish with knives. Dominoes of house hold items is juxtaposed to the side. Animal crtuelty and sexist hilarity aside the dominoes aren't that bad)
(GR changes channel)
Commercial: MAI KOBEN! BUY PHONE NOW!
(Channel Change)
News announcer: And now here is weather with ninja weather report man.
Ninja: HIYA! TOMMOROW! CLOUDY! RAIN! THEN SUNSHINE!
(Channel Change)
(Picture of little creatures getting eaten by a giant monster with upbeat music playing in then background)
Commercial Jingle for a Video game: Choo Choo rocket, roni moka, lepa choo choo rocket mainepkopka!
(Channel Change)
Annoucer: Watch as victim commits himself to shame.
(Man walks to door and open it to be punched back by a giant boxing glove)
Announcer: WA HA HA HA HA!
(Channel Change)
Guy with Sombero on head: It is time for pointlessness, may it begin now. Hi!
(Girls in school uniforms jump out and dance around the guy in the sombero)
(GR turns off TV)
GR: Its like this entire country is on crack!
Blackfire: (In bathroom) I know exactly what you need then. (Walks out to reveal skimpy Nigthdress) Hot Sex.
GR: (Taken by surprise as his eyes grow big...then suddenly his nose begins to bleed profusely) Holy crap.
Blackfire: Honey your nose.
GR: What? (Sticks finger up it and looks at blood) S--t. I hate anime. (Faints)
(Later at hospital, GR lies in bed)
GR: What happened?
Blackfire: Let me put it this way. You suffered a great loss of blood and we had to pump it back in you. Here's a cookie.
(GR takes cookie and munches it down)
GR: It official my life is over.
Blackfire: Oh no its not honey. I mean, its just one night you weren't able to perform.
GR: Yeah, but now I can't even have sex in this place. (sighs) Blackie just go back and watch the wierd Japanese TV with Sergeant Pain. I'm gonna take a walk.
Blackfire: You sure the doctors are fine with that.
(Doctor pokes head in)
Doctor: Actually he's been good to go for hours we just liked to mess with him a little.
GR: Wow, thanks for waiting this long to tell me that.
Doctor: So how's your stay in Tokyo going?
GR: (Looks at him with pure exaggerated loathing) Shut it.
