Chapter 4: The Terror of Ragezilla!
(Ragezilla smashes through a sky scraper)
Ragezilla: RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAARRR! (Picks up passing car and throws it into the distance)
(Jet Aircraft appear out of sky)
Pilot: Alright everyone stay sharp, prepare to fire upon the monster on my command.
Wingman: Will do!
(Ragezilla notices approaching jets)
Pilot: BANZAI!
(Barrage of missiles launch and impact Ragezilla...with no effect.)
Ragezilla: REEEEEAAAAAHHHHHOR! (Swings tail at the planes)
Pilot: Oh no! (Gets hit by tail) AHHH! (Crashes)
Wingman: What do we do now?
Wingman 2: I don't know. Get sushi?
Wingman: Sure.
(Both fly off)
(Meanwhile on a rooftop nearby with military observers)
Trenchcoat guy: Damn, the fighters failed.
General: Perhaps, but our new tanks along with our new mobile missile launchers will not.
Scientist: You fools! We cannot kill Ragezilla, he must be studied...for science!
Trenchcoat guy: You can dissect what is left.
General: Ohhh, good comeback.
Trenchcoat guy: I know.
(Mobile Missile lanchers and tanks approach Ragezilla on the street below him)
Tank Commander: Ready!
(Tanks aim cannons)
Tank Commander: Aim!
(Missiles get ready in launch position)
Tank Commander: FIRE!
(All military vehilces launch barrage of missiles at Ragezilla only to have the mosnter get pissed off enough to walk over to them and start stepping on them like toys. Cool model explosion all around. Ragezilla picks up the Tank Commander's tank)
Tank Commander: Well this wasn't part of the plan. (Fires pistol at Ragezilla's nose. No effect) Well worth a shot.
(Ragezilla eats tank)
Ragezilla: REEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOORRRRRR!
(Helicopter squadron approaches Ragezilla)
Helicopter pilot: Okay people, lets try not to be pussies like those stupid fighter pilots okay.
(Ragezilla notices them and rip off a giant antenna from a nearby skyscraper and swings it at the helicopters blowing them all up. Pilots parachute to ground)
Helicopter pilot: Well that didn't work. Whose up for sushi?
Other pilots: ME!
(Meanwhile in Tokyo Bay, a Japanese Warship prepare to make its move)
Captain: Have you spotted Ragezilla yet Skipper?
Skipper: Yes sir, there bearing two point three knots starboard.
Captain: Fire the super cool anti-Ragezilla missile we developed over the past few seconds.
Skipper: Thats a major plothole.
Captain: Shut up. I know what I'm doing. All our other plans failed so this one has to work.
(Missile is launched at Ragezilla who catches it in midair and throws it back at the warship)
Captain: Oh thats just bull-
(Ship explodes)
Ragezilla: REEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOORRRRR!
(Blackfire and Sergeant Pain look on from afar)
Pain: Dad seems to be having fun.
Blackfire: Wanton destruction of military and private property is fun, but I can't have sex with a giant lizard can I?
Pain: Why not? Your relationship is disturbing enough already.
Blackfire: (Sighs) I hoped I wouldn't have to do this but (Pulls out Titan communicator) I snatched this from the Titans during our last encounter. I thought it might come in handy. I'm going to call for their help.
Pain: Oh great, I'll have to hang out with Auntie Starfire. Shoot me now.
Blackfire: Relax, with any luck we'll handle the problem quickly and get out of here just as fast. (Turns communicator on, Starfire's face appears)
Star: Hello? Who may I ask is calling?
Blackfire: Hello sis.
Starfire: Blackfire! How joyous it is to hear you call! Have you decided to change your evil ways?
Blackfire: No, Rage got turned into a giant lizard and is destroying Tokyo. We need your help to get him back to normal...and possibly save the city. I could care less about the last part I just want my husband back.
Starfire: I would love to help you in your endeavour dear sister, but at the moment me and my firends are engaged in a hectic battle for our lives against an evil towering blob of ink monster. Sorry but I must return to battle, good day. (Turns off)
Blackfire: The one time I need that do-gooding bitch and she's busy! Who the hell does she think she is?
Pain: Your little sister who got everything that was asked of her and was put next in line for the throne because you couldn't fly.
Blackfire: Not now Pain. I'm gonna go talk with your father. You stay out of trouble.
Pain: Fine, but take your time. I'm enjoying this. (Pulls out binoculars) Oh look, dad is attacking the powerlines. Look at those sparks. Is that a gasoline truck? (Explosion) It was.
(Later when Blackfire catches up with Ragezilla on Tokyo's bussiness district)
Blackfire: Hi honey. (Floats up to face) Remember me right? Sex muffin? Hot Alien Mistress? The exiled Princess you love to bang.
Ragezilla: (Snort)
Blackfire: Listen Ragey, I love watching you blow stuff up. In fact it kinda makes me horny. But I would really like it if you just turned back into a normal human being...like now. (Ragezilla grabs Blackfire) Should have seen that coming.
(Ragezilla continues to stomp down to downtown Tokyo)
Blackfire: Perfect now I'm being held hostage by a monster. What next?
(Meanwhile in a small comic boutique in downtown were a large blue robot with a car for a head is parked)
Kiva: I want to know exactly why we are in this country precisely? What does this have to do about saving the humanity's future?
Jamie: Nothing really, haven't you guessed by now that we could really care less about that.
Kiva: That doesn't answer why we're here.
Coop: Its Japan Kiva, video games and comic books. That all they really do here. And I want to get "Destructo Brawl 2" before it comes out in America. Got my Japanese bought console at home and everything.
Kiva: Can you even read Japanese.
Coop: (Long pause) No not really, why what's your point?
Jamie: Can we finish up here fast, we have hot Asian chicks to scope.
Coop: Okay, okay, just let me grab the game and-
(Large claw rips roof off and reveals Ragezilla's face)
Ragezilla: REEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOORRRR!
Jamie: How come this happens wherever we go?
(Ragezilla smashes display of "Destructo Beawl 2")
Coop: Oh come on! How come that always happens wherever we go?
(Megas gang follows Ragezilla outside as he walks away)
Kiva: What is that thing?
Jamie: Giant monster in Tokyo, I guess we shouldn't be surprised.
Coop: I don't care what it is. It just smashed my game. And now I'm gonna return the favour.
(Ragezilla punches through an office building near a secretary's desk)
Secretary: Mr. Hamoto-san is in a meeting sir, can you come back to kill and maine him another time? I can fit you for an appointment next week.
Ragezilla: REAAAAHOR!
Secretary: Shouting will get you nowhere sir.
(Ragezilla recives a tap on the shoulder)
Coop: Hey buddy.
(Ragezilla turns around to recieve a quick punch in the nose that send him flying down the street)
Jamie: Nice.
Coop: That ought to show him to mess with my games.
Kiva: Coop theres something you should know, I've detected something coming from the monster. It appears to be a smaller life form caught in its grasp.
Coop: You mean like a hostage or something?
Kiva: No I mean like a slushie. Of course its a hostage!
Coop: Oh right. So I guess we should save her then.
Kiva: What makes you think its a girl?
Jamie: Because all girls get taken hostage by monsters. Its common logic.
Kiva: I find that sexist.
Coop: Well why would a guy monster hold a guy hostage. Think about it.
Kiva: Just save the person the monster grabbed.
(Ragezilla gets up with his fist still closed, holding Blackfire)
Blackfire: Oh you see this is what happens when you go on a monster inspired rampage. Can you please just turn back to normal now.
(Ragezilla's fist is suddenly grabbed by Megas)
Coop: Okay let her go lizard-breathe
Ragezilla: REAAAAHHHHOOOR!
(Intense tug of war begins that starts strecthing Blackfire to the limit)
Blackfire: You're going to rip my arms off you idiots! Stop it!
Kiva: This is getting us nowhere.
Coop: You're right, lets fix that.
(Coop delivers a swift kick to Ragezilla's balls. And the monster lets go in agony. Blackfire is taken by Megas placed into the car cockpit)
Blackfire: Could you have been just a little more sutle?
Coop: You know a simple thank you would be nice. We just saved you from the crazy evil lizard thing.
Blackfire: That lizard thing is my husband you dolt.
(Everyone looks at Blackfire quite surprised)
Jamie: I think she's suffering from monster hostage stockholm syndrome.
Blackfire: Its true. That monster is my husband. He ate a bad fish, turned into an anime character and then when it wore off the after effects turned him into that.
(Short pause as everyone looks at the drooling Ragezilla)
Jamie: Monster Hostage stockholm sydrome.
Blackfire: I'm not joking!
(Ragezilla charges and tackles Megas launching him several feet down the street. Megas lands on what appears to be the Japanese affiliate of PoP TV. Then it gets back up)
Coop: Listen lady, monsters don't make good dates. Trust me, I know monsters. They aren't exactly loving material.
Blackfire: I told you, he wasn't like this before. He swallowed a bad fish and the side-effect of the poison turned him into that
Kiva: I think she's right. According to these scans I'm picking up trace amounts of human DNA coming from the monster.
Jaime: Is there anything that light-up board can't do?
Kiva: I'm not sure actually. I think its just comes up with this stuff as it goes along.
Coop: Okay so the giant lizard thing is a ordinary human thats been mutated trapped inside a giant lizard thing's body. At least we know what it is now. Lets get back to smashing. (Coop goes to hit a button but gets slapped by Blackfire) Ow, hey!
Blackfire: No way, thats my lover out there. You either help me fix this or you leave.
Jaime: Can't you just find someone else? I mean there are a lot of single guys out there. I mean look at me.
Blackfire: (Gives Jaime an emotionless look) One: No, I'm married and thats final. And Two: Even if I wasn't I don't date losers.
Jaime: Meh, can't blame me for trying.
Coop: Okay, I won't smash your husband. But how else am I gonna fix this problem?
Blackfire: That I don't know.
Kiva: I'll think of a way to reverse the effect on your spouse's DNA structure. In the meantime we need to get him away from the city and innocent civilians.
Coop: Oh but that takes forever! Why?
Kiva: Because whenever we fight a monster we usually end up destroying several city blocks.
Jaime: She's got a point.
Coop: Okay fine we'll lead the scary monster away from the city. Now where is he?
(Giant tail swipe hits Megas in the head)
Jaime: Well that was easy
Ragezilla: REEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOORRR!
Coop: Time for monster smashing.
Blackfire: NO! No monster smashing!
Coop: Okay...time for non-lethal monster smashing!
Blackfire: Just don't bruise his private parts okay. He needs those.
(Megas launches a flying kick at Ragezilla who qwuickly grabs it in midair and swings he robot down on the ground. Megas counters with a vicious upper-cut against Ragezilla's face and then the robot car fires up its jet pack and charges right into Ragezilla's stomach throwing him several feet and into a subway track. Ragezilla grabs a nearby train and starts swinging it around like a pair of nunchucks.)
Kiva: Nice form
Coop: Hey, whoose side are you on?
Kiva: Sorry, just noting the fact down.
(Ragezilla begins swinging train at Megas hit it over the head several times. Then he throws the whole train at Megas sending it on its back. Ragezilla picks up the robot and slings it over to the shipyard.)
Kiva: Okay Coop you got its attention lead it away from the city.
Coop: I'm getting to that don't rush me.
(Ragezilla grabs Megas arounf the upper body and tries to rip off the car head.)
Jaime: AHHH! We're gonna die!
Kiva: Coop! Get us out of here!
Coop: Okay give a me a second to- (Notices something lodged in Ragezilla's skin) Hey its "Destructo Brawl 2!" (leans out to grab it)
Kiva: Coop! We're about to die! This is no time for games!
Coop: Don't worry we'll be fine.
Blackfire: Is he always this distracted?
Kiva: Yeah, I've kinda gotten use to it.
(Coop pulls out the "Destructo Brawl 2" case and Ragezilla suddenly feels a stinging pain in its finger. It he lets go of Megas and begins to roar in anger)
Coop: Hmm, must of been lodged in deep.
Kiva: Hurry up and lure him away from the city already!
Coop: Okay sorry. Geez, you have no respect for my video games.
(Megas grabs a large nearby crane and bats Ragezilla several miles away)
Coop: Okay phase one accomplished. What next?
Kiva: We go find him and try and turn him back to normal.
Blackfire: About time. I just want my husband back okay, I don't need to be stuck in this dingy robot...(sniff air and looks at butt) Am I sitting on pizza?
Jaime: Don't worry its two days old. It won't permenantely stain you.
(Megas shows up at giant Crater where Ragezilla landed. Ragezilla gets up and confronts Megas)
Ragezilla: REEEAAAAAHHHHHOOOOORRRR!
Coop: Man this guy is tough, I must of batted him like three miles away.
Kiva: Bad news guys, we've hit him too close to a nearby power plant.
Jaime: Thats bad right?
Kiva: Only if you don't want to attack it and blow up everyone within a three hundred mile radius. Yes its bad!
(Ragezilla sends out a blast of atomic energy from his mouth at Megas, sending the robot flying across the field. Ragezilla starts headed to the nuclear power plant)
Kiva: Well we're doomed.
Coop: If only there was some way to mutate that thing back.
Kiva: Wait Coop! Your idiot savantism has stuck again!
Coop: My whata what?
Kiva: If we expose the monster to enough radiation it may be just enough to reverse the side-effects of that fish's poison after effects and return his genetic structure.
Blackfire: That's highly vague and out of the blue.
Kiva: Trust me I know it will work.
Blackfire: Whatever, as long as it gets my husband back.
Coop: But I thought you said letting him blow up the nuclear power plant was bad.
Kiva: If we can contain the monster inside the blast area along with the radiation it won't matter.
Coop: Okay sounds like a plan.
(Ragezilla steps close to power plant.)
Coop: Hey lizard dude!
(Ragezilla looks over to Megas standing behind him)
Coop: Alright pal, you tried to destroy my games, you messed up my vacation, and you destroyed half of Tokyo! The last one isn't as personal as the first two. But still I've had it! You're going down, right here! Right now!
Ragezilla: REAAAAAHHHHOOOOORRR!
(Megas fires a ones of its fists right at Ragezilla sending him falling over on the nuclear reactor)
Kiva: The reeactor seems to be overloading, quick Coop seal it off!
Coop: Okay which button does that?
(Looks over large arrangement of buttons that have unsually specific titles, like kill, destroy, cause general mayhem, cause even more general mayhem,until he finally find the one that says "seal monster in big yellow forcefield bubble")
Coop: That will work (Presses button)
(Big yellow bubble shoots out and incases Raghezilla inside, Ractor suddenly explodes and Ragezilla lets out a defeaning scream as a huge light flashes within the bubble and everyone closes their eyes. A few seconds later)
Kiva: Radiation seems to be dissapating along with the bubble.
Blackfire: Ragey! (Blackfire shoots out of the top of the car and flys over to the debris) Rage! Sex Muffin! Big bad wolf to my little red riding hood! Where are you?
(General Rage stumbles out of debris with a torn shirt and wearing nothing but underwear on otherwise)
GR: Ow, what was the number of that truck?
(Blackfire runs over to him and catches him in an embrace)
Blackfire: Honey! Oh Rage! I thought I lost you!
GR: Bones! Crushing me! OOC-ness! Can't stand!
(Blackfire stops hugging so maddly)
Blackfire: I'm sorry, its just that I really missed the old normal Rage so much for the past few days. Sure you're a sadistic destructive nut jar, but you're my sadistic destructive nut jar. And I don't want you to ever change.
GR: Ah don't worry Blackie. I'm still the same old Self-inserted, slightly mad cap director you always knew. That and I am so sex starved right now its not funny. Can we have sex now considering I'm no longer a Japanese anime character or a giant monster
Blackfire: Wait till we're back home okay sweetie. Then I'll ride you like there no tomorrow.
GR: Sounds super.
(Back with Megas)
Coop: Well another job done, saved Tokyo, reunited two lovers, and best of all I got my game.
Jaime: I'll never find love like that.
Kiva: Cheer up Jaime, like you said there's plenty of eligible peopel out there. Who knows, maybe there's a girl out there who dates losers.
Jaime: Gee, thanks.
Coop: Alright guys. Lets go on home. Rock on "Destructo Brawl 2!" (Megas launches off)
(Later at the airport)
GR: Well Pain you were right. This vacation blowed.
Pain: You kidding? That rocked! You smashed up half of Tokyo in a blood crazed rampage! How cool was that?
GR: I suppose it wasn't a total loss.
Blackfire: We better get on the flight before they find out exactly who was that monster.
(All look up at TV as a sudden announcement comes on)
Mayor: For saving our city we present you all with medals of honour, for our new heroes of Tokyo, the Teen Titans!
(Teen Titans look on waving with medals arounf their necks)
GR: You're friggin kidding me.
Blackfire: So the fact that they didn't come to help out when you were turned into a monster doesn't matter?
Pain: Pft, who cares. Its their glory moment. Besides Dad messed up their tower remember.
GR: I guess its a fair balance. I get screwed so do they. All in all, a good vacation, despite the stupidity of this on crack country.
Blackfire: Now now Rage, The Japanese are well cultured people, with high-tech adavances in all fields of science and technology. The Tokyo of today could very well be the world of tommorow (Large rainbow sign flys over Blackfire's head saying "The More you Know")
(Awkward pause)
Pain: What the hell just happened?
GR: I have no idea.
Tv Commerical: Buy Super Twinkle Donkey Gum! Endorsed by Raven-Chan of the Teen Titans!
Pain: How humiliating.
GR: Even I think thats harsh. Meh whatever. Lets get out of here before some stupid Japanese anime character shows up.
(Naruto jumps in front of them)
Naruto: We didn't finish our ninja battle! Believe it!
Blackfire: Is that his catch phrase?
Naruto: I'm gonna beat you and become a Ninja Ninja Ninja! Believe it!
(Pain takes a newspaper and starts hitting Naruto)
Pain: Shut up! Shut up! Yeah that hurts don't it! Beleive it! You dumbass orange trecnhcoat poor excuse for a ninja!
Naruto: Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! (Runs off)
GR: This country is so weird.
Blackfire: But weird can be enjoyable. Just look at our family.
Pain: Quick help me tie him down and gouge out his eyeballs!
GR: I guess the moral is no matter how weird things gets, you'll always have your family to compare it to.
Blackfire: Thats a stupid moral.
GR: Yeah whatever, I'm making this up as I go along. Pain stop hurting the poor excuse for a ninja and come along.
Pain: I'll be back one day to finish the job asshole! Believe it!
(GR and family get on plane)
GR: Maybe next time we should go to Mexico.
Blackfire: Strange I feel a strange form of deja vu (Slaps GR)
GR: OW! What was that?
Blackfire: I have no idea.
THE END
By the way, a little Epilogue,
When the Titans returned home they found their tower completely trashed. Apparently someone had held a huge party and invited a lot frat boys and overly sexed up teen girls. Besides the fact that Cyborg's car is now stripped of all value, Starfire cannot find her panties, Silkie is expierencing a horrible hangover, Beastboy's bed is covered in what appears to be minute traces of beer and semen and Raven's room has apparently been trashed because now all the book are out of order and apparently some of her cloaks have been tried on Robin remained admant that it all wasn't really that bad. That was until he opened his room door and was splatered with fruit punch gelatin from head to toe. They later discovered a tape left by the frat boys. The title said "Gift to the Titans." Most of the tape is too horrible to be described to anyone but the end part of the tape had the Frat boys and teen girls thanking the person who made this all possible...General Rage. Needless to say the Titans are not pleased. While Raven is more willing to put what has happened behind them all, Starfire is confused, Cyborg enraged but will get over it with video games and large quantities of meat, Beastboy is lightly pissed as the rest of them, it seems only Robin is more furious then all of them. He now promises to do all in his power to destroy General Rage...but then again Robin's a dickhead so we don't care.
As for Naruto he still has that sucky catchphrase however he now lives in fear for the possible return of Sergeant Pain and his spoon of evil.
Coop played "Destructo Brawl 2" for several hours, even though he couldn't understand a word it was saying. He eventually unlocked and beat everything within the game and when the American version of "Destructo Brawl 2" came out he did the same with that. Of course when that came out he had to fight several large Alien monsters bent on world conquest. So of course everything is back to normal
