Okay, peeps, I'm gonna try to keep the review responses short on this one because this is a weird chapter, and it's kind of abstract, and I think it would be preferable if I didn't break the mood with too much chatter and just let you all absorb this chapter for what it's worth. (Read as: I will now proceed to respond to everyone in detail.)
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Useful76: Yep, lots of Asuka drama last chapter. And lots of Asuka drama this chapter. (As always, like you said.) Though this chapter's drama might be a little more...eh... on the weird side. (The really weird side maybe.)
Also, I know FF's app is kinda glitchy and weird sometimes. There was one time I tried to edit a chapter with it and it messed up all my formatting. So, you can bet I never did that again. Aside from that though, I think that your app may have given you those extra notifications because I was editing and reuploading certain chapters for grammatical and scenario editing. That's the only reason I could think of it would give out extra notification. So... sorry about that. I probably gave you a bunch of consecutive buzzkills and now I feel bad.
Hellsink Bathhall: I've heard lots of artists wear their heart on their sleeve. Though, given that art is usually a form of expressing emotion, I assume it's a 'job requirement' of sorts. I try to use my author notes as a way of explaining why it always takes so long to get out my chapters and give an insight as to what I've been doing. *And sometimes to express my apologies for taking so long as well) Though, I suppose it's totally unrequired, and mayhap I should quit now that I think about it since most people probably don't care too much about my comings and goings... or rather what I'm doing while I'm gone.
Also...while I am usually able to overcome my ADHD, I will have everyone know that... much to my shame... while trying to write this chapter... I SPENT TWO WHOLE DAYS SHITPOSTING ON FACEBOOK! AND THIS IS WHAT I CALL WORK! Ugh, sometimes I wish someone would just take a branding iron to me and tell me to get back to work. I really am sorry, everyone. I hate myself just as much as you guys hate me.
Mike Kromer: Ah, I know everyone is probably getting impatient with how long how long it's taking to get the pilots together, but we aren't quite there yet, sorry to say. But, we are definitely take steps there... together... like a family... that never sees each other.
Mythfan: Why, thank you very much, my guy/girl.
andy. baker.3781: You really think I should give her a shot? Maybe I will. But... maybe I won't. I'm kind of already married to my writing... and my shitposting... and Final Fantasy XIV and my... absolutely weird af job. (Which shall not be revealed here under any circumstances whatsoever.)
Generation Zero: Ah, yes. Asuka. A rather divisive point of conversation, both irl and in Evangelion itself. Though she has revealed the truth about Second Impact to her friend group, everyone will just have to wait and see how that plays out. Also, as for FAR and Mari, while I haven't exactly figured out exactly how much of them will show up in this story, I do have them planned to be in the spin off story I intend to do. Though, exactly what part they will play, I probably shouldn't reveal just yet.
Divine above question: Alright, lemme just go ahead and make a meme storyboard outta this.
*Garmmer snaps his fingers*
Divine above question says, "Garmmer... I don't feel so good."
*Divine above question turns to dust*
When you grow up, you can come out of the kiddie corner, my guy. Though, to let me know, you're gonna have to make an alt account. Sorry 'bout that.
Seeking Professional Help: I'm happy. I do immensely enjoy writing Asuka's immature side. And, Rei is just a good foil to that. Also, sorry about not getting back to your PMs as often as I'd like. I've been... "busy." (*Resumes shitposting on Facebook*)
miguelangel: Ah, so many good questions in your review that I can't answer this chapter. But, hopefully, next chapter will begin to answer some of them.
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And, as always, I spent way more time doing review responses than I should have. But, anyhow, lemme just say once more, this chapter is kinda fucking weird. Try to stick with me here. Now, I'll see you peeps later. I have a chapter preview to write. And, I always have way more fun doing those than I should.
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Text Guide
Standard Wording
"Spoken Dialogue/Speech"
'Internal Dialogue/Thoughts'
(Flashbacks)
/
[Slash denotes scene transition for the moment; this may be changed in the future so as to become more visible.]
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Disclaimer: I do not own or profit off of Neon Genesis Evangelion, End Of Evangelion, or the Rebuilds of Evangelion. I do not own Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Asuka Langley Sohryu, or any of the other characters/ideas from the Evangelion intellectual property collective. All licenses remain with the proper license holders. If asked to, I will formally remove this story from the hosting website.
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*Cruel Angel's Thesis and Eva intro starts playing*
Neon Genesis Evangelion
A Journey of Hate, Power, and Love
Chapter 21
When Suffering is Right
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Ritsuko sighed as she pulled off her glasses while sitting at her cluttered desk.
The arms of the glasses had started to give her a headache, and she began massaging her eyes and forehead.
Unfortunately, she had to put them back on to read the clock.
"Ugh, almost time to check out for the evening. Only a few more minutes," she groaned before yawning.
She looked at her coffee mug and an idea came to her.
'It wouldn't do to be drowsy on the way home. And, maybe I can waste a few minutes.'
She picked up the mug and got out of her desk, intent of going to the wreck room. But, the phone on her desk began ringing, stopping her and ultimately killing her mood. Not that her mood was that great to begin with though.
"Ugh, I hope this isn't anything important," Ritsuko groaned as she begrudgingly picked up the phone.
"Yes? Who is it?" Ritsuko said while trying not to growl.
"Um, it- it's me!"
"Oh, May- I- er, Lieutenant Ibuki! How can I help you?"
A slight blush warmed Ritsuko's face and her spirits improved slightly.
"Uh, well, Ritsu- Doctor Akagi, there's something happening in the Eva cages… They want you down here."
"I see," Ritsuko sighed, "Thanks, Lieutenant."
She hung up the phone and a dead smile appeared on her face.
"Oh, fuck it all."
/
-The Reckoning-
/
Ritsuko could hear sounds of metal groaning even through the heavy bulkhead door.
'Just what in the hell is going on in there?'
The door slid open as she approached and the sounds of shouting now flooded her ears too.
"D- DOCTOR AKAGI," Maya shouted in order to be heard over all the commotion.
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"
"I DON'T KNOW! THE EVAS ALL JUST STARTED ACTIVATING."
"WHAT? ACTIVATING? HOW?"
"WE DON'T KNOW! WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT RIGHT NOW? DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?"
"CHECK THE RESTRAINT LIMITERS FIRST. THEN GET BACK TO ME!"
"YES MA'AM!"
Maya then ran off to inform a few of the engineers while Ritsuko simply stared at the Evas. She could see that they were attempting to move, or perhaps escape, and that their straining was causing the hangars to shudder and creak.
'What the hell is going on?'
She noticed that the eyes of the Eva's where flashing on and off at irregular intervals and that their heads where slowly moving back and forth, as though they were observing their surroundings.
Suddenly, a roar echoed through the hangars. Ritsuko could feel the sound reverberating though her bones.
Everyone went quiet.
Everyone simply…
...stopped.
"What...was that?" one of the engineers asked in a shaky voice.
"Was that one of the Evas?" another questioned.
"Everyone, please stay calm," Ritsuko gently urged.
But, the roar bellowed out again. And this time, Unit-00 began forcing itself out of its restraints.
As was expected, no one heeded Ritsuko's words once the Eva had shrugged off its shackles. Most of the workers began running towards the other side of the cages, only to be cut off by Unit-01 slamming its arm down upon the catwalk, crushing it in its fist while knocking many of the engineers into the LCL pools below.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Ritsuko shouted as she fell to the floor from the tremors the Evas were creating.
Unit-02 finally freed itself from its restraints as well and grabbed the sides of the hangars, trying to hoist itself up and over onto the catwalk, almost crushing a NERV employee as it did.
"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? THEY DON'T HAVE ANY POWER!" Maya screamed in horror as Unit-01's hand crashed down beside her as it too tried to pull itself out of its hangar.
The purple Eva growled before its mouth tore open and a blood curdling roar echoed out of its now separated jaws. The sound shook the entire massive room from floor to ceiling and caused the bones of the employees to rattle so hard it hurt.
Unit-00 had thrown its arm over the catwalk and was slowly drudging itself onto it. One of the engineers was directly below its head as Unit-00's mouth burst out of its helmet-like armor, revealing a line of short, but very sharp curved teeth. Luckily, the engineer's legs were just barely clear of the Eva's jaw as it smashed onto the metal floor of the catwalk.
Before another moment had passed, Unit-02's mouth had also shot open and it yelled just as Unit-01 and Unit-00 had gone quiet. Its four eyes were flashing furiously and its tongue whipped out of its mouth as its long needle-like teeth glared in the artificial light.
And, then, everything was quiet.
The Evas had gone still, though their eyes glowed brighter than ever.
"What… What was… Maya? Maya?" Ritsuko shouted as she looked around, trying to spot her significant other.
No one responded.
"Maya?!"
She frantically glanced around the Eva cages, desperately trying to find the girl. And, thankfully, she saw her sitting petrified, but unharmed, in front of Unit-01's motionless hand.
Ritsuko immediately ran over to her before collapsing and sliding across the floor into an embrace with the young woman.
"Ritsuko… I'm… okay. We should check… on the others," Maya said in gasping breaths, obviously still visibly shooken over what she'd just seen.
And, like some kind of curse that followed people around, the voice of Gendo Ikari sounded out from behind Ritsuko.
"Doctor Akagi, I want this place restored to order in no less than two hours. And, I want a report on my desk before tomorrow morning."
'What? How did he!? When did he even get here?' Ritsuko thought to herself in shock as she looked over her shoulder at the man who was currently observing her holding Maya in a rather unprofessional way.
"Y-yes… Sir," Ritsuko said while the man turned and left the Eva cages.
'Does… he know? Or… Fuck. FUCK! Does he not care? Ugh, I wish he were easier to read,' Ritsuko cursed to herself while helping Maya up.
Though, it would seem as though Ritsuko wasn't going to get a break this evening as she realized her phone was ringing.
"Ugggghhh!" Ritsuko groaned as she reached into the pocket of her lab coat.
"Who is it?" Ritsuko asked, trying to sound sweet.
"Ritsuko! RITSUKO, THE CHILDREN!"
"Misato? The children? What's going on?"
"I don't- I DON'T KNOW! But, please just be ready to get them to NERV ER!"
"Misato, wait! What is happening? Who's them? The pilots? Is that what you meant by the children?"
"Yes, yes! Them! Please, Ritsuko. Please, I have to go!"
"Okay! Just- We'll be ready! So just go! Fuck..."
Ritsuko sighed as she hung up her phone.
"Was that Captain Katsuragi?" Maya asked.
"Yeah..."
"She… she sounded really scared."
"Yeah… she did," Ritsuko groaned as she rested her head in her hand.
'And I can only imagine why that would be. Something isn't right here,' Ritsuko thought as she looked at the Evas, all as still as though they had been frozen in time.
A silent and attentive man with some stubble on his chin stood calmly leaning over the rails of the observation deck above the Eva cages. The shadows obscured the expression on his face, but it was one of intrigue and maybe a little bit of discomfort.
"Well, that certainly was something," he said to himself while pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, "I wonder how the Commander is gonna handle this. And I know Ritsu is gonna have her hands full. And… Asuka."
/
Misato rested comfortably on her couch having just cracked open a can of beer.
"Hmm, poor Ritsu. She seemed pretty exhausted today. I feel kinda bad leaving her there all alone to handle everything by herself… But, she does have Maya there. She'll probably be okay."
Though, Misato vividly remembered the glare the Doctor had given her upon announcing that she was leaving work early. And Misato knew Ritsuko knew that she was only leaving early so she could get drunk.
"But hey! Earlier to leave, earlier to drink. And, earlier to drink, earlier to pass out! And, the earlier I pass out, the earlier I'll get to work tomorrow… well, that last part might be a stretch actually. But, that'll be my little secret."
She then leaned back into her couch and began guzzling down her beer in a rather undignified way for someone her age.
She then slammed the empty beer can down on the small cluttered table in front of her couch. A few drops splattered out of it, but it wasn't anything Misato would be bothered to clean up.
The woman stood up from the couch to go get another beer, not even sure why she'd bothered to sit down in the first place since it only took her a moment or two to drink her beer. But, halfway to the kitchen, she felt her phone vibrate in her jacket pocket.
"Hmm?"
She reached into her breast pocket and pulled the phone out, seeing that it was Asuka who was calling her.
"Huh, I wonder what she could want..." she mumbled as she received the call and put the phone to her ear.
"MISATO! PLEASE!"
"Asuka!? Wha- What's wrong!? Do you need something!?"
"NO, MISATO, THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKED UP HAPPENING WITH AYANAMI!"
"Well, what's wrong!?" Misato asked as fear started to set in.
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Her face. Oh god, her eyes. JESUS CHRIST, I CAN'T LOOK AT IT ANYMORE! JUST HURRY! I THINK SHE'S DYING! GAH-"
Misato heard a loud clattering sound come out of the speaker, as though Asuka had dropped her phone.
"Asuka!?"
"Uuuuuuugh, fuck! FUCK!"
"Asuka!? What's wrong?! Is Shinji there? What's wrong with Rei's eyes?!"
"FFFFFFFFFFUCK! FUUUUUCK!"
"Asuka?! ASUKA?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ASUKA!?"
"Misato, please… HURRY. REI'S DYING. I'M DYING. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. GAAAAHH, FUCK! Urgh, ehuhuh, fuck, it hurts. FUCK!"
All Misato could hear now was Asuka shrieking and what she assumed to be Rei screaming. She could occasionally hear Shinji say something, but she couldn't really make it out.
"SHINJI! SHINJI! WHAT'S GOING ON?! ARE YOU THERE?! ARE YOU OKAY!?"
And after another second, she heard a thud and the boy began screaming too.
"SHINJI!? ASUKA!? FUCK! SOMEONE, ANSWER ME! REI!? SOMEONE!"
But, when it became clear that no one was going to respond to her, she hung up the phone.
"What the hell is going on?" She asked as she looked for Ritsuko's number and speed dialed it while trying not to cry.
She sat and held the phone to her ear as patiently as she could muster.
'God damn it, Ritsuko. Pick up! I'm sorry for leaving you at work!'
Misato finally heard the line connect and a sweet sounding "Who is it?"
"Ritsuko! RITSUKO, THE CHILDREN!"
/
'This… this is where he said they were,' Misato thought to herself, remembering the words of the Section-2 agent she'd called as she looked up dreadfully at Rei's apartment.
The sun had set and it was dark now, with just a few little glimmers still peaking over the horizon. The little sunlight that did still reach the apartment complex was out-shined by the white street lights in the parking lot.
"Just what the hell is going on?" Misato spat as she wrapped her red jacked around herself a little tighter, trying to ward off the unnatural chill she felt creeping across her skin.
She then began running up the stairs to Rei's apartment, dreading the thought of what awaited her.
Upon reaching Rei's floor, she looked at the door to the apartment and took a breath. Shaking from nervousness and out of breath from sprinting up the stairs, she loosely rested her hand on the door handle and tiredly twisted it, hoping that this was just some nightmare and that she wasn't about to find a handful of dead children on the other side of the door.
Unable to handle the suspense any longer, she shoved the door open and prepared for the worst.
"What… the hell..."
/
-To Live, To Breathe-
/
"She's so weird," a school boy said as he chuckled next to his friend.
"Yeah. It's like she's dumb or something. She never talks at all unless the teacher calls on her."
"And even then, sometimes she's still too stupid to say anything. She's always looking out that stupid window."
'Yes. This is me. I am Rei Ayanami.'
Rei looked down at her pale hands, which sat comfortably on her school desk.
"This is what I am. This is what I am supposed to be."
She then looked up at the two boys who were laughing at her.
"Oh no! She's looking at us! Just pretend to not notice her, hahaha."
Rei breathed out calmly. Even though she felt like she should be upset for some reason, she simply didn't have it in her. And, so she did what she always did when she was at school; she looked out the window.
Though, this was somehow different than usual. The window she always looked out of was shattered. Shards of glass were strewn across the window ceil and stalks of ivy were growing through the open space. And, even stranger that that, it was nighttime. A larger than life moon almost entirely filled the view and sounds of crickets filled the air.
"Why... am I here? It is late. I shouldn't be here.'
Rei got out of her desk and picked up her books only for them to turn into shadowy mist and evade her grasp.
"I- I do not understand. What is happening?"
"Well, what's she doing now?" one of the boys snickered.
"Acting like some kind of crazy person I guess," the other boy shrugged.
"Where am I? What is this place?"
"Look! Now she's talking to herself."
"What… is this place?" Rei asked thoughtfully, trying to avert the fear that was starting to take hold of her heart.
She looked back out the window before walking to it and leaning out of it.
"Why? Why am I here?"
Rei then climbed up onto the window ceil and looked down.
All she could see were dark vines of ivy clinging desperately to the wall of the school and an endless abyss that they grew out of, which for some reason was right next to the school.
"I… don't want to be here. This isn't right. I... am not supposed to be here. I am... supposed to be with Shinji."
"What?! Look! She's going to jump! Should we get someone?" one of the boys asked in amazement.
"No way! We should let her do it! It would be fun to watch her hit the grou-"
An explosion rang out, causing Rei to gasp as she leaned back inside of the school building.
"Do not mind them, Rei," a familiar and gravely voice said in a reassuring manner.
"YOU KILLED HIM!" the schoolboy screamed!
Suddenly, another explosion sounded out and a flash of light illuminated the dark classroom before the sound of metal tinkling on the tile floor rang in Rei's ear.
"Rei, step down from there," the voice said kindly.
"Commander… Ikari? Is that… you?"
'He saved me. He always saves me.'
Rei did as she was asked and stepped off of the window ceil and back onto the floor in the classroom while Gendo stepped out from the shadows and into the pale moonlight.
"Were you going to do it, Rei? Were you going to jump?" Gendo asked softly.
"I… think so."
"And why were you going to do it?"
"So that… I could be with the people I… love."
"And who were you going to jump for?"
"For Shinji… And for-"
"That's enough, Rei. Get back up there."
"But I… I..."
"Do… as I say, Rei," Commander Ikari said uncaringly.
"Yes, Sir..." Rei said as she climbed back up into the place where the window would have been.
"Do you understand why I am doing this, Rei?"
"No, Sir..." Rei said as she looked down the dark cliff in front of her, tears running down her face and falling into the abyss.
Rei could hear Gendo shuffling something around behind her and after a few seconds, his hand was extended in front of her. And in it, he was holding a pair of broken glasses. He then awkwardly put them on her face from behind and let her savor the experience of wearing them.
"Because Rei, you belong to me."
Then, another explosion sounded, and Rei felt a soft thud in her back. She could feel a surge of adrenaline in her blood and time seemed to slow. She felt something lukewarm tickling her stomach and she looked down to see a hole in her school uniform and blood staining the previously white fabric.
After what seemed like an eternity, Rei lost her balance and fell forward into the deep black abyss before she soon lost consciousness.
"Rei, why would you do that?"
Rei's eyes fluttered open. She squinted and saw she was in a hospital bed. She rotated her head towards the window and saw that it was raining outside.
"Rei?"
She looked around, trying to find the person who was requesting her attention. She finally saw him, a young boy with a sad look on his face.
"Why would you do that, Rei? Why would you jump like that? Why would you...try to leave me like that?"
"Shin...ji… I… I didn't-"
"AM I REALLY THAT BAD, AYANAMI?! THAT I MADE YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?!"
"Shinji… no," Rei said, trying to make sure her words didn't get caught in her throat, though there wasn't much she could do about the tears that were now flooding out of her eyes.
"THEN, WHY?!"
"I'm… sorry, Shinji. I… I have been.. lying to you. It's not...you fault," Rei said as she couldn't help but begin crying and gasping, "I'll tell you… one day. I promise. Please… It… is not your fault. So, please don't think it is."
She sniffled as she looked into his eyes pleadingly.
"I… Okay… I'll believe you," Shinji said as he wiped his tears from his eyes, "But...just… don't ever try to kill yourself again, okay?"
"I… I won't."
The boy then leaned over Rei's hospital bed and hugged the girl.
"You'll be okay now, Rei. I promise."
"I… believe you."
Rei looked down at the boy and he looked up at her. And, before they knew it, their lips were drawing closer together. Rei closed her eyes and-
-her lips connected with something cold and hard.
She opened her eyes and saw that she was no longer in the hospital. She was now inside of her LCL storage tank and she saw that her lips were currently kissing the glass of the structure.
"Surely you know that if you continue down this path, you will have to tell him the truth at some point," Gendo said as he stepped out of the shadows.
"I… am aware of the eventuality."
"And you know that the longer you wait, the harder it will be on him and yourself."
"I… know."
"And you know that there is a more than fair chance he will leave you. So, you are trying to postpone it so you can spend longer with him."
"I… yes..."
"Why, Rei? Why would you put me in this situation? And why would you put my son in this situation!?"
"I do not understand why you are concerned about Shinji. You have never shown him concern before now."
"THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT, REI!" Gendo shouted at the top of his lungs.
The glass of Rei's tank shattered and she slummed out, cold and nude
"Commander- Ehuh EHUH- Ikari..." Rei sputtered as she coughed the LCL out of her lungs and onto the floor in front of Commander Ikari's boot.
Gendo sighed, trying to regain his composure.
"What, Rei? What is is?"
"Do you hate Shinji?"
"No, Rei. I do not."
"Then… why- EHUH- Why do you treat him like you do not love him?"
"Because, Rei, there is a time for respite and a time for work. And now is the time for work. You know the kind of world I'm trying to make for you; for all of us. If you wanted to be with him, you should have waited until after we begun Human Instrumentality."
"I do not believe love waits, Commander."
"You have made that abundantly clear. And look at where you've put us because of that. You were supposed to be perfect, Rei! You were supposed to be the perfect tool! The perfect human! Someone who would not be bound by the failings of the soul. How can I expect you to sacrifice yourself when it's needed when you have these ties to my son. And what if he were to learn what you really were? How would that affect his ability to pilot? I need you and him to be functional and you are nearly tearing all of this preparation and conditioning down. If he looses you now, he may loose his will to fight."
"But… I could give him more reason to fight."
"He doesn't need more reason to fight. That's why you were there; so that you could do the things he couldn't. So that you could sacrifice yourself if he couldn't."
Rei closed her eyes and she felt herself being pulled away. And when she opened them, she was no longer within NERV HQ. She was now standing atop Mount Futago, apparently on the eve of Operation Yashima. Time seemed to be frozen. She could see Unit-00 holding up the massive Ægis shield, protecting Unit-01 from a beam attack from the fifth angel.
Rei looked down and saw that she was now in her plug suit.
"But, Commander, couldn't he and I do more together if we truly were together?"
"No, Rei, you cannot. There are the possibility of limiting factors. One of you may be caught or immobilized. One of you may even die. And, in that case, I need someone who can still preform and operate an Evangelion without a clouded mind."
Rei could feel her skin starting to burn. The passage of time seemed to resume and the shield Unit-00 was holding slowly tore apart chunk by chunk until Unit-00 was defending with nothing but its AT field. And even that was beginning to fail as the armor began melting off of Unit-00's hand.
Time paused again and Rei felt like her skin was burning away as she crumpled to the ground in pain, trying not to scream.
"Commander Ikari," Rei whimpered.
"I am the only one who can save you, Rei. I am the only one who can save anyone. And that is why you must listen to me. You must be willing to serve me and only me-"
Rei blinked and when she opened her eyes, the pain was gone.
"-until you die."
Rei sat up. It was raining and she was in a white dress made filthy by the mud she rested in. She looked around and realized she was in a grave yard. She stood up and then looked down at her feet, realizing the grave she stood before was her own upon seeing her name engraved on it.
"Will you do… this thing for me, Rei?" Gendo asked as he put his hand on her shoulder from behind.
"I..."
"Or will you make me force your hand and Shinji's both?" Gendo asked again as a mass of shadowy mist appeared in front of Rei and formed itself into the shape of Naoko Akagi; a woman which Rei deemed familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
Suddenly, Rei was reminded of a life she never lived. She felt cold fingers around her throat and she felt her life slipping away.
Rei tried to answer Gendo, but could only cry.
"You have already died once. Do not make me be the one to end you a second time, Rei," Gendo growled, growing impatient with the girl not answering him.
'I've… died? When did I die? I… can't remember. What is this?'
"I… I can't! I will try, but I can't!" Rei cried.
Rei felt the grip on her neck loosen and suddenly it stopped raining.
Gendo took his hand off of Rei's shoulder, and turned her around so that she was facing him.
"Rei..." Commander Ikari said shamefully as he knelt down in front of her, getting mud on his pristine black pants.
"Commander… Humans… they aren't the way you describe them. They feel. And... they bond. Even when they don't want to, they become attached to one another."
Rei closed her eyes for a moment, and an image of Shinji flashed through Rei's head and then one of Asuka. And when she opened her eyes again, Shinji and Asuka stood behind Gendo, holding hands and smiling.
"Commander, you do not understand. If I did not posses a bond with Shinji, he would bond with someone else. And, he has. I know he would grieve for Pilot Sohryu's passing the same way he would grieve for me. Please… Commander Ikari, do not make me make this choice. Please, I… I must ask permission… to do this… my way. I know… I can help him to put more effort into fighting. I know I can motivate him," Rei sniffled as tears still swept down her cheeks.
The clouds broke and a ray of sunshine pierced the space between Rei and Gendo.
"Rei… I am sorry," Gendo said as he leaned forward and hugged the girl.
When he embraced her, everything became white, and Rei could feel herself slipping away once more.
/
"Mmmgh," Rei groaned as she sat up and returned to the realm of wakefulness.
"Oh my god, Rei! You- You're awake! Are you okay?"
Misato rushed over to the bed and put her hand on Rei's arm gingerly.
"Y- Yes… Captain, Katsuragi. Where… where am I?"
"You… you're in the hospital. I… guess you don't remember what happened."
"I… am not sure."
Rei saw that there was a frown on Misato's face.
"Well, at least you're awake. So, maybe the others will wake up soon too."
"Others?"
Rei looked to her right and saw Asuka and Shinji both resting on hospital beds of their own.
Though no one could tell, Rei was relieved for some strange reason. She took a deep relaxed breath and then let it out slowly.
"Captain Katsuragi, what has happened?"
/
-To Live, To Fight-
/
"Asuka. Asuka, wake up," a sweet feminine voice cooed.
The girl closed her eyes tighter, but it didn't help that she was sleeping on something cold and hard and, for some reason, she could hear…
...something; an instrument of some kind.
A Piano? A synth? No. An organ. It was definitely an organ.
She once again tried to squeeze her eyelids shut but this just serve to cement that fact that she wasn't going to be going back to bed.
She huffed indignantly and shoved herself up before rubbing her eyes.
But, when she opened them, she almost wished she hadn't.
"What… the fucking- where the hell am I?"
She looked around and saw she was in a deep black forest. All of the trees were dead and the sky was a deep crimson. She looked up and could see stars in the sky though it didn't seem quite dark enough to be night. The smell of smoke drifted through the dead thicket and the air seemed warm and cold at the same time.
"Do you like it, Asuka?"
"Who- WHO ARE YOU!? WHERE? What..."
"This is the world you made."
Asuka could feel her arms beginning to shake out of anxiety and her heart rate was rising to an uncomfortable speed.
"What the hell is this? WHERE AM I!?" she screamed.
But, the only thing that responded to her was her own infinitely echoing voice.
'Shit. SHIT! I never really got scared watching horror movies, but this is getting really fucking creepy!'
"It's okay to be scared, Asuka. It's natural. It's what keeps you alive."
"I'M NOT SCARED," Asuka screamed as she turned around, trying to find the voice.
"Be careful, Asuka. Or they'll hear you."
'They? Who's they? What the hell is going on? Fuck! Please, fuck! I just want to go!'
"I'm… I'm not scared."
"Hahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Who are you trying to fool? Not me. And certainly not yourself."
Asuka felt something sharp raking across her back and she jumped away screaming before cringing and swatting at her back as best she could, trying to rid herself of whatever had touched her.
Asuka tried to calm herself down, but could only find herself shivering in terror.
"Who are you? Quit fucking playing! Who are you!?" she whimpered more than demanded.
"I'll ask you again. Do you like it here, Asuka? Answer that and I'll answer you."
"No. No, I don't like it! Now quit fucking around!"
"Turn around, Asuka."
The words made Asuka shiver, almost like something was breathing down her spine.
Slowly, very slowly, she turned around, though it became progressively harder through the terror she was feeling.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a shadowy mass pulsating and she froze.
"Don't be scared, Asuka. It's only-"
The shadows dispersed and there, against Asuka's better judgment, was her mother.
"-me."
Asuka couldn't finish turning around. She couldn't. Instead she simply remained still and frozen.
'No! NO! What?! How?! This can not be happening! She's… she's supposed to be dead!"
Asuka closed her eyes, unable to face this thing; this impossible being.
"Asuka, please. Don't you love me? Why do you tremble so?"
"No! I hate you!" Asuka said, trying not to cry as she closed her eyes tighter and tighter.
Asuka gasped as the felt a cold bony hand with long nails grab her by her chin. She could feel the nails gently pressing into her cheeks and she wanted to scream, but she had lost her voice. She then felt another arm reach around from behind her and place its hand on her stomach. And finally, the hand pulled her back into a cold frail body stinking of death.
Asuka finally realize that her mother was hugging her. She felt nauseous but was too horrified to throw up.
"Open your eyes, Asuka."
"Mmmghmmgh!" Asuka cried in response.
"Open you eyes, Asuka!"
"MMMMMMGH! Mghmhmhmh!" Asuka cried again, whimpering without opening her mouth.
Asuka could feel Kyoko lean over her, resting her chin on Asuka's shoulder.
"Please, Asuka, my baby."
Kyoko's breath tickled Asuka's cheek and smelled like a cadaver, making Asuka feel even more nauseous.
Asuka only wailed again, trying her best not to open her mouth.
"Asuka, my darling," Kyoko said before she kissed Asuka on the cheek.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH! OKAY! PLEASE, STOP, PLEASE!" she shrieked before she started whimpering again as she opened her eyes.
"See, Asuka. Look at the dress I got you!"
Kyoko forced Asuka to look down her body with her bony fingers still having a firm grip on her cheeks.
Asuka, not feeling like she had much other choice, looked down at the dress that she wasn't previously aware she was wearing. It was white with lace trimming and it had a red flower sewn onto her left breast.
Asuka did think the dress was kind of pretty, but it wasn't something she would ever admit in a situation like this.
"Do you like it? I made it just for you."
"NO! I HATE IT! I HATE EVERYTHING!" Asuka shrieked.
And, suddenly, the entire dress slowly started becoming red. Asuka could feel something trickling down her cheek and chin.
Asuka was once again petrified, realizing the her mother was seeping thick syrupy blood out of her mouth and onto her own daughter, which then oozed down her cheek and stained the dress.
Every second she existed next to this woman, the unnatural chill in her spine became colder and colder.
"That's your problem, Asuka. You hate everything. That's why you'll never be happy. That's why you're here now. How could anyone ever know joy when surrounding themselves with so much hate; purposely making themselves miserable?" Kyoko said as she occasionally spat blood on Asuka's cheek and temple.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"
"Quit lying, Asuka," Kyoko hissed as she pushed the girl away from her and into the burnt sooty earth beneath her.
Asuka pushed herself up out of the ash, turning over and looking at her mother with angry eyes as she lay on the charred ground.
"I'M NOT LYING! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU WENT AND FUCKING KILLED YOURSELF FOR NO GOOD REASON! You… YOU LEFT ME!"
Kyoko got on her knees and crawled on top of Asuka, granting Asuka her first real look at her face.
One of Kyoko's eyes was missing and the other's pupil was severely dilated. Her skin was dry and tight against her face, almost like paper. And her red hair was matted and dirty, taking on a more brown color.
"My poor, sweet Asuka. I am so sorry," Kyoko said as she drooled sickly congealed blood onto her daughters face and ran her long, chipped, black nails across Asuka's cheeks, causing her to wince in disgust.
"No..." Asuka whispered as a drop of blood fell onto her forehead, "No! YOU'RE NOT SORRY!"
Asuka's hands lunged towards her mother's throat. She threw the woman to the side while keeping a deathly tight grip around her throat, trying her damnedest to strangle out whatever life was left in the woman.
"I HATE YOU! WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING LEAVE!? WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO KILL ME!? WHY DID YOU TRY TO DESTROY ME!? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND WITH EVERYONE ELSE!?"
"Die with me, Asuka."
"NO! I WOULD HAVE! I WOULD HAVE, MOM! I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! I WOULD HAVE DIED WITH YOU! BUT I HATE YOU NOW! I HATE YOU! SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Die with me, Asuka."
"NO! I… I don't want to..."
Kyoko suddenly burst into flames and Asuka yanked her hands away from the woman reflexively.
She lay down in the soot, surreally watching the woman quickly burn away until all that was left was a charred skeleton. The smell of burning flesh made Asuka feel sick, as though the stench of a rotting offal wasn't already enough.
She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the smells.
"You know, Asuka, you don't hate me. You just hate yourself."
As soon as she thought she'd found some peace, her eyes shot open upon hearing her mothers voice again.
She quickly stood up, the young girl's guard raised once more. But instead of finding her mother, all she found was…
...herself.
In front of Asuka stood a younger version of herself, probably not much older than six to seven years old. She was carrying a little stuffed animal and had red ribbons in her hair.
'What...is this? Why is this happening?'
"Excuse me, miss. I… I lost my mom. I… I don't know where she is," the little girl said, trying not to break down into tears.
Asuka swore that she'd just heard a barely audible woman scream somewhere deep in the red forest.
"Yeah, I bet you lost your mom," Asuka spat.
"Please, miss. Won't you help me find her," the young Asuka pleaded as she reached up for Asuka's fingers.
"NO!" Asuka screamed as she yanked her fingers out of her younger selves hand.
"And now the truth is laid bare," a strikingly familiar voice said from behind Asuka.
Asuka turned around and once again saw herself; this time a more accurate reflection of her current self, easily twelve to fourteen years old.
"You… M-me? No… No!" Asuka gasped.
"That's how you would treat yourself, even knowing your own suffering. Look at her! She's lost and afraid. She has no one! And you're going to dismiss her like that?" the other Asuka scolded as she gestured to the younger Asuka.
"No! I- This isn't right! That- THAT'S NOT ME!"
"Everything in this place is you, Asuka. This is the world you've made for yourself; a world where only you exist. A world where only you matter. And what happens in this world where only you matter?"
"I… I don't… I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!"
"So does she," the other Asuka said as she pointed at the younger Asuka, "And how did you treat her when she asked for your help? You spat at her and left her for dead. So, why would I help you leave this place? I can't help you leave this place. You won't let me. You won't accept help from others and you won't help yourself. How am I supposed to help you when I am you and not you and the same time?"
"I DON'T KNOW! JUST LET ME LEAVE THIS PLACE! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT ANY HELP! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!"
"Then go. No one is stopping you."
"I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO!"
"You mean like… you've trapped yourself? Like you're lost in yourself?"
"Quit twisting my words!"
"Why stop? You twist words all the time. You lie to yourself all the time. We lie to ourselves all the time. It's what we do, Asuka."
"NO IT'S NOT!"
"You just lied to yourself again, Asuka."
Suddenly, a surge of pain erupted in Asuka's head.
"GAHHH! AHHHHH!" she screamed as she clutched her head and fell to her knees.
"Don't you know all your lies hurt you? So why do you keep lying to yourself?" the other Asuka asked as she knelt down in front of Asuka.
"BECAUSE I'M NOT RUDE! BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT OTHERS AND I DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN TO THEM! I WON'T BURDEN THEM!"
Suddenly, the other Asuka lashed out and slapped Asuka across the face, knocking her back down into the soot.
"That's a LIE! Shinji would say otherwise. How many times have to beat him just because you hate yourself; because you couldn't keep your self-hate in check and so you let it overflow and hurt other people as well as yourself. THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE ELSE WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF! ALL YOU DO IS DRAG THEM DOWN! AND THEN YOU MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM TO LOVE THEMSELVES TOO. ALL YOU DO IT BREED HATE, ASUKA!"
"That- THAT'S NOT TRUE!"
The other Asuka slapped Asuka again before crawling on top of her and slapping her again and again and again.
"LIES! LIES! AND EVEN MORE LIES! DON'T YOU KNOW WHEN TO STOP!? DON'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH HARM YOU'RE CAUSING YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE!"
"I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING! YOU'RE THE ONE TRYING TO KILL ME! YOU'RE ACTING JUST LIKE MOM!" Asuka screamed as she tried to shield her face from the barrage of hits she was receiving.
"THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT THAN HER. YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU'RE SO FAR ABOVE EVERYONE. BUT YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! TO HEAR YOU SAY IT, YOU'D THINK NO ONE ELSE HAD EVER SUFFERED; THAT YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE TO KNOW PAIN! AND THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE! THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT YOU'RE INFLICTING IT ON YOURSELF! THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT YOU LIKE SUFFERING!"
"ALRIGHT! FINE! Maybe… MAYBE I DO LIKE SUFFERING!" Asuka shouted while trying to hold back her tears.
Finally, the other Asuka stopped hitting and abusing Asuka. She chuckled, even though she was out of breath from her onslaught.
"Heheh, just another lie. But, at least it's not a complete lie. You really are an idiot. You only think you like suffering… But, at least… I got some truth out of you finally, even if it was a misunderstood truth."
"I- I..." Asuka sniffled as tears slipped out of her tightly shut eyelids, "I don't even know what's real anymore!"
"It's okay, Asuka. You can still fix this. It's not too late," the other Asuka said sweetly as she caressed Asuka's cheek gently.
Asuka whimpered once more and a fresh wave of tears spilled out if her eyes, which the other Asuka wiped away gently with her soft thumb.
"I- I promised I wouldn't cry ev- ever again."
"You're so stupid," the other Asuka giggled, "You already broke that promise the other day. And you broke it right in front of Shinji if I remember correctly."
"Y-yeah!? And what about it!? So what if I cried in front of him!?"
"Quit being so defensive. You can't hide anything from me anyway. We both know you're envious that he has a girlfriend and jealous that it's Rei."
"That's not true!" Asuka said with a blush.
"Don't lie to yourself, Asuka. You are envious that he has a more successful love life than you. Envy relating to something you wish you could have or steal, I can say with certainty you are envious of his relationship because I know what you want. And you are jealous that he saw more in Rei, the other Eva pilot, than he saw in you; the self proclaimed best Eva pilot. You feel like Rei has stolen your place. And feeling like someone has stolen something of yours even when it wasn't yours to begin with is jealousy, make no mistake."
"Okay! Fine! But, what about it!? It's not like Shinji is special or anything!"
"Why are you still lying to yourself? Of course he's special! He's one of three people in the entire world who pilots an Evangelion! And that's a bond you share with him! How could he not be special; most of all to you!? He shares that pain and that laughter with you! He shares the victories and the defeats! How is that something you can't hold close to your heart!? And if you don't hold that near and dear to you, why have you been following him to Rei's place everyday recently?"
"BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND!"
"Well," the other Asuka huffed as she crossed her arms over her chest, "at least that's half a truth."
"What do you mean by a half truth!? I do… kind of… like him… But that's all there is to it!"
"You're still lying to yourself. You should know… I can feel your heart beat harder when I say his name. And I can feel you start burning up inside when I talk about him."
"That- THAT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SITTING ON TOP OF ME!" Asuka shouted with an embarrassed blush as tears still streamed down the side of her face.
"No, Asuka. It's because I am you. I… I know what you want more than anything. But, there is only one way to get what you want," the other Asuka whispered as she leaned over Asuka.
"Yeah!? AND WHAT'S THAT!? WHAT DO I WANT AND HOW DO I GET IT?!" Asuka screamed in sadness as yet more tears welled up in her eyes.
The other Asuka leaned down next to Asuka and whispered into her ear.
"You want to be loved. And you have to love yourself. You have to learn how to touch yourself tenderly to be able to touch someone else tenderly. And when you touch someone else tenderly, they will touch you tenderly. You know this is the truth. You know this is the only way. And you may try to deny it for awhile longer. But, you'll see… you'll see it's the only way," the other Asuka said as she gently brushed her hand on Asuka's cheek.
"I can't… I can't accept that!"
"You'll have to if you're ever going to find what you want; if you ever want to leave this dark place," the other Asuka said as she looked around the red forest, presenting all the dead and burnt trees to Asuka.
"But… I… I can't!"Asuka whimpered as she grit her teeth while still failing to cease the flow of her tears.
"You, idiot," the other Asuka said as she grabbed Asuka's face and directed her attention back to her, "Just shut up and kiss me."
Asuka's eyes widened, but she couldn't really see with all the tears blurring her vision.
"Wait! No! But I- It feels wrong!"
"It always will until you learn to love yourself, you stupid idiot. So, savor the experience while you can," the other Asuka whispered as tears started to fall out of her eyes too.
Asuka felt her heart being torn into tiny pieces as the other Asuka's lips pressed against hers. She stopped breathing. Something inside of her had shattered. Something was broken. She could feel it.
"Don't worry. That's just the walls you put up coming down," the younger Asuka said as she watched the other two Asukas kiss.
Asuka felt completely alone now. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed someone to hold onto. She felt like if she didn't grab hold of something, she was going to fall into darkness and never been seen again.
So, she grabbed the only thing she could. She flung her arms around the other Asuka and embraced her like there was nothing else. Because there was nothing else.
In response, the other Asuka placed both of her hands on Asuka's head, running her fingers through the girl's brilliant red hair and pulling her deeper into the kiss.
"See? These are the things you can do when you love yourself! Isn't this so much better than hating yourself?" the younger Asuka questioned with a girlish giggle.
'No! No, it's not! This is horrible! I don't feel like me anymore!' Asuka thought, still holding her breath and refusing to return the kiss.
'But…. is that… a bad thing?' Asuka wondered, as she finally let out the breath she'd been holding and started trying to control her breathing.
'It… it doesn't have to be. But… I could make it into something bad if I wanted,' Asuka thought as she started caressing the other Asuka along her back.
'But, why would I do that? Do I really want to… to hurt myself like that?' Asuka questioned as she finally began kissing back.
"If you don't love yourself, you will die. If you walk the path of hate, you will walk the path your mother walked on her last days on earth. You will kill yourself," the younger Asuka warned.
'I… I don't want to ...die. I don't want to end up like mother.'
Finally, Asuka felt a mote of warmth and comfort inside of her. And before long, it was as a swelling sun.
She kissed the other Asuka with all of her heart, frantically placing her hands all over the other girl, trying to make sure she never left.
'I love you. Maybe… Maybe I could love me.'
The other Asuka finally broke the kiss.
"Open your eyes, Asuka."
Asuka, now receptible to the words, did as she was bid and opened her eyes.
She saw she was no longer in the red forest. Instead, she was now in a field of lush red flowers and tall grass with the sun shining overhead.
"I… I don't know what to say..."
"Don't say anything yet," the other Asuka said as she put her finger to Asuka's lips, "This isn't over. And you still have a long ways to go. So, get out there and go save the world."
"But, wait! Before… before I go… will I ever see you again?"
"What are you!? Stupid!? I am you! You'll see me every time you look in the mirror. And the only reason you wouldn't see me is because you quit loving yourself! So, make sure you don't stop loving yourself and you'll see me in all my splendor every single day. Because… people are always the most beautiful when they love themselves."
"I… I'll try."
The other Asuka picked one of the red flowers and handed it to Asuka.
"Here. Take this."
Asuka accepted the flower and another shower of tears erupted from her eyes.
"I'm sorry, everyone!"
"You'll be okay," the other Asuka whispered as she kissed Asuka's tears away.
Asuka closed her eyes and then everything faded to white.
/
Asuka suddenly and forcefully sat up, not aware of anything other than the fact she had just been asleep.
She was gasping, as though she'd just had some bad dream. But, it somehow felt more real than just a dream.
"Pilot Sohryu, you are awake," the familiar and irksome voice of Rei greeted Asuka
"Yeah, thanks for pointing out the obvious, Wondergirl. Tell me something I don't know, like where we are. And why I had to wind up with you."
"We are in the hospital."
"We're in the… Oh my god, we are in the hospital!" Asuka gasped, "And you! Your eyes!"
Asuka sprung out of her hospital bed and bounded over to Ayanami, and started poking her face and prying her eyelids apart obtrusively.
"Your eyes aren't glowing anymore! Oh my god!?"
"Yes. It is well you are capable of point out the obvious," Rei said, trying to emulate Asuka's annoyance from earlier.
Asuka took her hands off Rei face and instead placed them on her hips.
"Are you trying to give me sass?"
"I don't know," Rei responded boredly.
"Well… you were… kinda acting like a human for a second there," Asuka mumbled as her shock dwindled.
She then went back to her bed and flopped down on it.
"Are you well, Pilot Sohryu. Your eyes...were leaking while you slept."
Asuka tensed up and sat back up straight.
"JUST SHUT UP, AYANAMI! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" she snapped vilely.
Rei quietly returned her gaze back to her bed, realizing that inquiring as to the girl's well being was a mistake.
Asuka grit her teeth as she looked at Ayanami out of the corner of her eye. She hated to admit it, but she sort of felt guilt welling up inside of her.
'Why would I treat her like that? I mean, it's not like yelling at her is going to change the fact she saw me crying. I...hate myself.'
"Hey… Ayanami… I… I'm sorry… I know you were just trying to help. But, I just don't want to talk about it."
Rei eyes widened ever so slightly, though it would have been difficult to notice for most people. And just a hint of a smile appeared on her face.
"So...why are we in the hospital then. Are we dying or something?"Asuka mumbled as she rested her chin in her hands.
"I believe… there is someone better suited to answering that."
/
-To Live, To Run-
/
Shinji opened his eyes and sighed.
He looked around and saw that he was somewhere very dark. From what he could make out though, he was in his classroom and it seemed like he was the only one there. Paired with the fact the lights were all off, this was making for a very strange classroom.
He could barely see his hands as he held them in front of his face. But, quit trying to see them when the door to the classroom opened. Light flooded in from the hallway and in walked a silhouetted figure that somehow seemed very familiar. The door then swung shut and everything was dark again.
"Class has now begun. Please open your books to page forty-two," a gruff voice said.
Shinji looked down at his desk. And, though he couldn't see it, he knew that there was a book on his desk. He opened it and deftly turned the pages until he reached page forty-two, even though he couldn't exactly see that he had opened the book to the correct page.
The classroom projector flickered to life and on the projector screen was a word.
"Responsibility," the gruff voice said as a hand appeared out of the darkness and pointed to the word, "Responsibility is a feeling for a lack of better words; a feeling of duty. To a person, a task, or perhaps even to both or something else entirely. In our every day lives, the average human uses responsibility to place social pressure on people, originating either from the person themselves or by their peers, to give to them the incentive to accomplish their tasks for the day and to keep everything running smoothly in a work environment."
Shinji sighed.
"There are other more extraordinary and abstract forms of responsibility however. Sometimes, the law dictates what we are responsible for. The responsibility to keep oneself fed and clothed or to keep their offspring fed and clothed. The responsibility to not drink and drive. The responsibility of murdering someone and the penalties and restrictions it carries in committing such an action. These are all things we do not have a choice in being responsible in should we engage in such activities. The law dictates that we are responsible for the outcomes of these activities and the consequences we place on ourselves in so doing. The point being, sometimes we do not have a choice in our responsibilities."
Shinji rubbed his eyes, trying not to fall asleep.
"Another form of responsibility would be something you are not directly accountable for but could have changed the outcome of for better or worse. Lesser men choose not to see this as responsibility. But, greater men; men with the power to inflict lasting change, often do see this as a form of responsibility. Sometimes, our responsibilities aren't always clear. But, responsibility is still something that dictates a large part of our life. Now, class, please turn to page forty-seven."
Shinji blindly flipped through the pages in the dark until he'd turned to page forty-seven.
The teacher then clicked a button on the remote and the slide on the projector changed.
"Conviction. Conviction is the sense of rightness of opinions and choices. In a way, it is our belief and confidence in our credence and the things we do; no less than yourself and who you are as a person. If you think of yourself as a bad person, you could say you lack conviction and that you do not believe that what you do or who you are is right. Conviction is your firmness in your beliefs, in yourself, and…. in your responsibilities. Conviction is an important motivating factor behind your responsibilities. Without your conviction, your will to uphold you responsibilities would crumble. But, conviction is flawed. Conviction needs to support, but it also needs to be supported. Please turn to page fifty-one."
Shinji once again flipped through the book and though he couldn't see in the darkness, he knew he had flipped to page fifty-one.
The slides on the projector swapped again and another word appeared on the screen.
"Experience. Experience is an abstract metric by which we measure our tactile and critical wisdom and out interpretation of events. It is our practicality in short. Experience shapes… almost everything. Experience dictates how we feel, our outlook on life, and… our confidence in ourselves. Experience is what supports our conviction and hence, our responsibility. Did you have a bad experience? You haven't moved up in your place of work? Did that affect your conviction negatively and now your responsibility has wavered? Are you going to give your responsibility to someone else now? This, class, is how powerful our experiences are. They can completely rebuild us or utterly dismantle us. And, how are all these concepts of experience, conviction, and responsibility tied together, class?"
Shinji sighed again, hoping he would be able to leave soon. This lecture was dragging on longer than he liked and it didn't really appeal to his interests.
"Mister Ikari, would you care to answer that for us?"
Shinji jumped in surprise. He was hoping he wouldn't be called on, but of course he was.
"I… don't really know, Sir."
"Of course you don't," the gruff voice of the teacher said as the projector light flickered off.
In another instant, the lights of the classroom turned on, and Gendo Ikari was standing right in front of Shinji's desk.
"The answer, Shinji, is bonds. Something almost every human on the planet shares with one another. Something that intertwines with conviction and responsibility while simultaneously overturning your experiences."
"Father!? Why are you here!?"
"Because, Shinji, you need to learn. It's time to grow up."
"I… don't understand."
"Are you courting Rei Ayanami?"
"I- I- Yes, I am!"
"Then you have a responsibility, not just to her, and not just to me, but to all human life."
"What?! Since when?!"
"Since the night you first kissed her. Since the night you first deployed together. Since the day you first saw one another."
Shinji thought for a moment, trying to remember the first time they had deployed together.
'Operation Yashima.'
("Listen, Rei, why do you pilot the Eva?" Shinji asked the girl as she stared at the nighttime countryside.
"Because it's a bond."
"A bond?" Shinji asked, not quite understanding what she meant.
"Yes, a bond."
"With my father?"
"With everyone, for life is most precious.")
'That… I guess… he's right.'
"But...does she really expect that of me, father? Does she really expect me to save everyone?"
"Of course she doesn't. But I do!" Gendo said as he grabbed Shinji by the collar of his shirt and lifted him out of his seat.
"BUT WHY!? WHY DO YOU EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ME! YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ME! YOU'VE NEVER TALKED TO ME! YOU'VE NEVER CARED FOR ME! YOU'VE NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED ME AS YOUR SON!"
"It's because you're my son that I expect these things from you. And I will never acknowledge you so long as you fail to meet my expectations!"
"But...what if I don't want to..." Shinji mumbled as he diverted his gaze downwards.
"You chose to stay, didn't you!?"
"I… I guess."
"LOOK AT ME, SHINJI IKARI!" Gendo scolded him as he yanked at the boy's collar again.
The boy looked up angrily, though not without tears in his eyes.
"YEAH! I DID! OKAY?"
"THEN YOU ARE THE PILOT OF EVANGELION UNIT-01? CORRECT?"
"ONLY BECAUSE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE TOLD ME TO! EVERYONE EXPECTED ME TO!"
"You're wrong, Shinji. No one told you to. And no one expected you to."
"THEN WHAT WAS ALL THAT TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS, HUH? WHAT WAS IT FOR!?"
"I EXPECT YOU TO PREFORM THE ROLE YOU HAVE CHOSEN FOR YOURSELF. AND I NEED YOU TO PREFORM IT RESPONSIBLY. You made your choice! You agreed the moment you decided to stay in Tokyo-3. And now, I, and everyone else is relying on you to do what you've said you would. That includes Pilot Ayanami! She depends on you to do your job diligently, as does Pilot Sohryu! And if you don't, you will get them killed. Is that what you want, Shinji?"
"OF COURSE IT ISN'T!"
"Then you need to grow up and start supporting them as they do you!"
"I DO SUPPORT THEM! BUT I DON'T FORCE THEM INTO FIGHTING A WAR THEY DON'T WANT TO FIGHT!"
"You're right. You don't. And neither do I. They're both here of their own free will. Rei has nothing else. And, Pilot Sohryu feeds her vanity off of piloting her Eva. You're the only one here who can't decided if he wants to fight or not..."
Gendo then released the boy's collar and Shinji slumped back into his seat.
"If I leave… then you'll never care about me...not even as a tool."
"Correct."
"And if I leave… I probably won't see Rei or Asuka again."
"Correct."
"But, they're the only friends I've ever really had."
"Correct."
"Asuka… she'd probably be disgusted with me if I ever quit piloting. She already hates anyone who isn't an Eva pilot."
"I assume so."
"And Rei… Rei would be all alone. She never talks to anyone. She'd be so miserable."
"Indeed."
"And you'd force me to leave her if I didn't Pilot, wouldn't you?"
"I would. I can't have her being distracted be someone who isn't willing to stand by her when she needs him most."
"HOW IS THAT FAIR TO HER OR ME!?"
"IT ISN'T FAIR, SHINJI! IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR TO YOU! It is supposed to be fair to the world! That is what would need to be done to serve the greater good! And we all must make sacrifices for the greater good."
"But… WHY ME!?"
"It doesn't have to be you, Shinji. You made the choice."
"YOU SAID I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD PILOT IT!"
"And you are! But, I will find someone else or some other way if you can't. That is your problem, Shinji. You want these friends of yours to stand by your side, but you don't devote yourself to the responsibility to stand by their side. You don't have the conviction to stand by their side. And you don't seek out experience or growth so that you can stand by their side when they need you. Instead you run away when they need you more than anything; when I need you more than anything."
"I WENT INTO A VOLCANO TO SAVE ASUKA!"
"And that was one time out of how many?"
"I'M TRYING, ALRIGHT! I'm trying..."
"You aren't trying hard enough. You must try harder, Shinji. You must focus on what you want and you must be willing to give everything to obtain what you want!"
"Like you?"
"Yes, Shinji. Like me… I have less power than you and I have done more than you. You have no excuse for not being able to do anything and everything asked of you. You chose the responsibility. And you posses the bonds. You simply lack the conviction and experience. And so, your bonds must drive you to become better; if not for yourself, then for the ones you love. You do love, Rei, don't you?"
"I think so..."
Gendo pressed his hand to his forehead and sighed.
"You can't even give a resolute answer in that?"
"I DO LOVE HER!"
"Then show me! And show her! Do not leave her to make up for your shortcomings! She doesn't deserve that!"
"I… I'll try."
Gendo looked down at the boy who was still having a hard time meeting his gaze.
"I will hold you to that, Shinji."
"I know that… I know that more than anything… And if fail, you'll just hate me even more."
"With an attitude like that, you're already well on your way to failing.-"
Shinji looked up at his father, glaring at him as best he could.
"-But, if you put in the effort regardless of how hopeless you feel, you will succeed."
Shinji's anger faded a little at his father's words.
"Don't give into despair, Shinji," Gendo said as he put his hand on his son's shoulder, "One day, everything will be… better."
"I… I don't understand, father!"
"You don't need to. Not right now."
"HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FIGHT WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M FIGHTING FOR!?"
"You do know what you're fighting for. You're fighting for Rei. You're fighting to rid the world of the angels and to provide a safe home for you and her. You're fighting… so you don't have to fight anymore."
"Father… I!"
"Don't say anything more, Shinji," Gendo said gruffly, "There is someone else you will speak to before the day is done. Make sure you don't forsake her."
"FATHER, WAIT!"
Shinji looked on in awe as his father turned into nothing more than a blinding light which then faded away into nothingness. And eventually, even the classroom Shinji was in faded to white.
"Shinji," a feminine voice called out from the blank expanse.
"Who… Who is it?"
"It's me, Shinji. Your mother."
"M- Mom? Wh- where are you? I can't see you!"
"Here. Let me help you."
Suddenly, the white surroundings faded to black, and before Shinji was an illuminated shape which vaguely looked like a woman, though he couldn't clearly make out her features.
"See, Shinji? Even in the darkest night, you can still find the brightest light. And often times, walking through the darkness is the only way to see the light."
"I… I think I understand… So...you just want me to Pilot the Eva, just like father?" Shinji asked with a downcast expression.
"Not at all. I only want you to be happy. But, like I said, sometimes the greatest happiness is found through the harshest of pain. I only want you to realize that. Life will never be easy, Shinji. But, you must always do what you think is right. That is the only way you will find happiness. And sometimes, doing what you think is right will be painful and unpleasant. But do it you must. You have to be strong, for me, and for your father, and for everyone you love. But most of all, you must be strong for your own sake. If you aren't, your happiness will slip away."
"But, what if I'm not strong enough?"
"You will always be strong enough, Shinji. You have everything you need right here," she said as she touched Shinji's chest, gesturing to his heart, "I won't tell you what to do with your life, Shinji. But I will say that if you chose to continue piloting the Eva, believe in the Eva and believe in yourself. In doing so, you believe in me."
"Mom… I… I don't understand!"
"You will, Shinji. One day."
"EVERYONE ALWAYS SAYS THAT, BUT NO ONE EVER TELLS ME WHAT THEY MEAN!"
"I would tell you, Shinji. I would. But, I can't. Not right now. The way things are right now, I can only tell you that which you already know, and nothing that you don't. I am… sorry. But, I must go now. It's time for you to open your eyes, Shinji."
"WAIT! MOM! I STILL-"
But, before Shinji could finish his sentence, the light of his mother faded away and all was returned to black.
"-have… questions..."
/
Shinji groaned.
He could feel someone rudely poking his cheek, and he assumed it was probably Asuka.
"Stop it, Asuka," Shinji mumbled as he lazily slung his hand over his face.
"Yeah. He's awake now," Asuka announced sprightly as though she took joy in cutting him short of his sleep.
"No, I'm not," the boy grumbled.
"Yes, you are, Shinji. Now get up. Doctor Akagi needs you to listen!" Asuka groaned as she pulled the boy up from his warm pillow.
He finally opened his eyes and saw he was in a strange room. Misato sat on a small chair with a worried expression on her face. And, Rei was standing next to his bed. Though she didn't seem as worried, Shinji could still tell there was something off. And, that was enough to garner his full attention.
"Good," Doctor Akagi said as she pulled her glasses off, "Now that you're all awake and attentive, I have something to tell all of you."
.
*Eva credits roll and Fly Me to the Moon plays*
.
"Hey, everyone. It's me again. I'm... I'm sure you all have this figured out by now.
Sooooo, maybe we didn't quite get to the exorcisms and zombie apocalypse this chapter. But, it's coming."
*Kaji clears his throat*
"Misato, there is no Zombie apocalypse in this story. You can stop spreading that rumor now. Though, I did here there was some kind of apocalypse going on in some really popular movie this week. Or was it the week before..."
*Misato gives an annoyed smile*
"Yeah? And what would that be?"
"Oh, did I just hear someone snap?"
"Uhh... no?"
"Ugh... Misato... I don't feel so good."
*Misato gasps*
"You mean like... you've been infected? By the zombie plague?"
"No. I mean like, I'm going to leave this room and quit doing your job for you. I have to go eat dinner because I'm starving. Give the people what they want and quit talking about zombies. Goodbye and good luck!"
*Kaji waves*
*Kaji winks*
*Kaji gives a shining smile*
*Kaji leaves recording booth*
"Hmph! Rude!
Anyways, ignoring that disgusting man for the moment, next chapter, Ritsuko talks the kids through their little freak-out episode they had last chapter and what it may mean for them. And, according to this here script, it says we may have a little bit of a reveal on the mysterious phantom sensations as well. Oooh! Pretty scary right? No? You don't even remember reading about the phantom sensations? Heh, that's funny! I don't really remember them either. But, they're going to play a bigger part as we move into the next story arc of Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Journey of Hate, Power, and Love. What kind of suffering and revelations shall we uncover next? That's for you to discover in the next chapter, A Painful Piece of The Puzzle.
And, of course, I'm sure there'll be some fanservice somewhere along the way."
.
Update: Wow, I really have been letting these updates get away from me. But, uh, yeah. Still alive and working on the next chapter. Should hopefully be up in a day or two. But... damn, it's already the 11th of this month. Though, I am sorry to say the next chapter is going to be a little short, the reasons for which I shall explain in the next post-chapter author note. God, I hate being a buzzkill.
