Disclaimer: I don't own Batman: The Animated Series, and Clue.

Chapter 1: Here Comes the Victims -- I Mean, Guests!

"Okay, guys; let's start our film with a bang!" Isla shouted. Then she added, "Drop that gun, Joker…"

"Why do we have to wear these costumes?" Crane asked. He was looking aghast of the costume he's wearing. "Shouldn't we just wear our usual attire?"

"Sorry, you can't," Isla said. "Okay then… LIGHTS! CAMERA! And…. ACTION!"

It was a dark night, and we hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Then we zoom down to see a half black and half white car coming down the road, and then it hit a deer --

"BAMBI!" Isla cried.

Two-Face's car continues traveling through the wind of an oncoming storm. It pulls up to the gate of Arkham House. It is a large, imposing mansion, looking very Wayne Manor. Two-Face takes out a key and unlocks the gate. He drives the car up to the front door.

He exits the car, holding a bag. He hears a growl and turns to see two growling hyenas.

"You have got to be kidding me," Two-Face said to himself.

"My babies!" Harley squealed off-screen.

The hyenas (I forgot their names. Was it Bud and Lou?) approach Two-Face and they began to jump on him.

"Back!" he cried. He quickly pulls a big beef bone out of the bag and hurls it to them.

Bud and Lou trot away to gnaw on the bone as Two-Face shortens their chain so it won't allow them to reach the door. He steps toward the door and pauses. Then he checks the bottom of his feet.

"Damn hyenas," he growled. He looks in disgust at the hyenas, who aren't bothered at all.

He opens the front door of Arkham House and wipes off his foot.

He enters and hangs up his coat. The hall is elegant but not gaudy. It is furnished in dark wood, and brass, with crystal chandeliers. We hear "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" in the background.

Two-Face steps briskly down the hall steps toward the library. The library's walls are covered with books, with the exception of one wall, and a window.

Selina Kyle AKA Catwoman is polishing a glass. The music is much louder. Two-Face enters and turns off the record player. The music stops.

"I was listening to that," she said, glaring at him. Then she added, "And stop looking at my breasts!"

Indeed, the villain had been looking at her attire for quite sometime and her bosoms were busting out a bit. Of I was guy, I'd drool, but I'm not so…

"Is everything ready?" he asked, glancing away from her chest and to her face.

"Oui, monsieur," Selina replies in a perfect French accent.

"You have your instructions?"

"Yes."

Two-Face then exits. Selina sniffs the air, and then examines the bottom of her shoes.

"Was that Harvey?" she said, disgusted. "Ew."

"Thanks a lot," he said in a sarcastic tone.

In the kitchen, Killer Croc, the cook, is sharpening a knife. While listening to the television in the background. Two-Face enters.

"Is everything all right, Croc?" he asked. Croc turns, knife in hand.

"Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty," he told him. Two-Face kept his glaring eyes on the knife.

"If you don't point that thing away from me, I'll break your neck. Twice," he stated.

"Sorry, buddy, but I have the knife," smiled Killer Croc.

"Curse it; he's right."

Then the doorbell rings and Two-Face quickly exits the kitchen before he became shish-kabobbed.

A man wearing a top hat and a yellow coat is standing by the front door, being growled at by the hyenas.

"Nice hyenas," Jervis Tetch said nervously. Two-Face opens the door.

"Good evening," he greeted in a bored voice.

"Evening, old chap!" Tetch greeted back. "I don't know if --"

"Yes, indeed, sir, you are expected, Colonel. May I take your coat? It is Colonel Mad Hatter, isn't it?"

Tetch came inside. He didn't look pleased. "No, it's not, you jabberwocky! My name is --"

Two-Face raises a hand. "Of course it is, so shut up. Tonight you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias."

Then he closes the door. The Mad Hatter sniffs around and checks his shoe as Two-Face hangs his coat.

"Was that you, Harv?" he asked. Two-Face glares at him. The pair starts across the hall.

"Pardon me, but who are you?" Tetch asked again.

"I am Two-Face, sir," he replies. Then he added in a scornful tone, "The butler."

Joker burst out his trademark laugh. Isla tries to shush him, but she ends up laughing too. Soon everyone, except Harvey Dent, on the set began to laugh. The thought of making a dangerous villain of Batman doing housework brought can bring silly ideas to one's head.

"Harvey 'Two-Face' Dent as a butler!" Isla hooted. This remark made everyone laugh harder.

Two-Face takes out his coin.

"Heads, I let her live; tails, she dies," he whispered to himself. He flips in the coin in the air and it landed on his palm. He looks at it and grew disappointed.

As soon as everyone is done finishing laughing, Two-Face leads Tetch to the library. As soon they entered, Selina is pouring wine a glass.

"Selina, will you attend to Tetch and give him anything he requires." Then Two-Face glances at the both of them. "Within reason, that is."

The he exits, closing the doors behind him. The doors have books on the back of them, and they look like a part of the wall.

"Oh, Two-Face, I was…" Tetch began but he discovers the doors have disappeared. Then he looks back at the maid.

"So… Do you have any tea?" he asked sweetly.

The bell rings again. A woman dressed in white is standing alone. Two-Face opens the door and he smiles when he saw who it was.

"Pamela," he hissed nastily.

"Hello, Harvey," Poison Ivy greeted him. "It's nice to see you halfway decent."

"Please come in. You are expected."

"Do you know who I am? Besides knowing my real name?"

"Only that you are to be known as Mrs. Ivy."

Ivy steps in. "Yes, it said so in the letter. But… why?"

Two-Face removes her coat, with a brilliant elegance. Ivy sniffs and checks her shoe.

"I know you always look bad, Harvey; but I didn't know you smell bad," she said. Two-Face frowns.

Meanwhile, Tetch is sipping tea and glancing at Selina with maddened lust…

"I do not!" Tetch screamed. The doors suddenly open and the left door slammed right into Tetch. Poor guy.

Two-Face and Ivy enter. "May I introduce you? Mrs. Ivy, this is Selina, the maid."

The two women react with disgust.

"I see you know each other."

Ivy turns away as Tetch emerges from behind the door.

"Hello!" Tetch greeted.

"Hello," Ivy mumbles.

"Mumbler!" Isla teased.

Somewhere down in the road, a slim woman with blonde pigtails and wearing a red dress is standing by her broken down car. An owl can be heard. She gives the car a good kick.

"Stupid thing!" Harley growls, obviously frustrated. She kicks the car again.

"CAR ABUSER!" Isla cried, pointing an accusing finger at her.

Thunder roars in the distance. Harley sees headlights a short way away. "Oooh, I think I'll get a ride," she said thoughtfully, and she began to smooth her dress.

As the car nears, she bends over the engine and lifts a leg. Joker wolf-whistles.

The car screeches to a halt just past her and backs up. Harley goes to the car and peers in.

"Want a lift?" came Jonathan Crane's voice in the driver's seat.

"Hiya, Professor Crane! Nice costume."

Crane seethed. "Why is my suit purple! I look like Joker without his make-up!"

Joker gasped mocked shock, and clutches his chest. "You cut me deep, Johnny boy," he said, faking a pain. "You cut me really deep."

Harley gets in the car and sat next to Crane, who was wearing a bright purple suit. (Snickers)

"Thanks!" she thanked him. "I'm late for a dinner date."

"Wow. Me too," he said in monotone voice. "Where are you going?"

"Lemme see…" Harley pulls out a sheet of paper. "Arkham House. Off Route 41."

"Wait a minute. Let me look at that."

Crane takes the paper and looks at it.

"That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this."

Harley looked stunned as him. "Woooow!"

The rain starts. The windshield wipers start as the car pulls away.

Back at the house…

"And this is Mr. Penguin," announced Two-Face. Penguin is wearing a tuxedo with a blue vest.

"How do you do?" Tetch greeted him, while holding a tea cup.

"Hello," Ivy mumbles again.

"MUMBLER!" Isla shouted.

"Selina," Two-Face turns to the feline maid, "will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived? Oh, watch out for Croc and his knife."

She nods as she gives Penguin his cognac. Penguin stares wide-eyed at her exposed cleavage.

"What knockers," he whispers. (1)

She gives him a glare the exits the library.

The doorbell rings again. Outside, it is now raining hard. Nygma is standing at the door. The hyenas are growling.

"Nice hyenas," he said nervously.

Two-Face opens the door. Nygma turns to him.

"Is this the right address to meet Mr. Joker?" he asked.

"No, this is Bruce Wayne's address," Two-Face replied sarcastically. "Of course, this is Mr. Joker's address! You must be Mr. Riddler."

"In the flesh," he smirked.

One of the hyenas growled when it saw Two-Face.

"Sit!" he commanded to the hyena.

Nygma frantically sits on a bench by the door. Everyone laughs at his reaction.

"No. Not you, sir," Two-Face told him.

"Oh… I knew that."

"Riiight."

Nygma sheepishly gets up and enters the house.

Back at the road…

"It should be just off there," Harley spoke.

"Listen, child, who is driving this car? I am!" Crane growls.

"Jeesh, you don't like your character at all, right."

"I despise it." Then the car stopped. Crane looks up. "That must be it."

From the view in front of the gate, lightning crashes, illuminating the house. In other words, the house looked creepy.

"Why is the car stopped?" Harley asked.

"It's frightened," Crane replied.

"A typical answer from the Master of Fear himself," Isla commented.

The car is started again and it rolls up the driveway.

Back in the library…

Selina gave Nygma his drink. Lightning crashes, making the latter gulp.

In the driveway…

Crane and Harley exit their car and run for the front door.

"What a forsaken place!" Crane states; as Harley dries herself off, his hand reaches behind her and squeezes one of her buttocks. She gasps.

"Pervert!" she screams and slaps his face. On cue, the door opens, revealing Two-Face.

"Professor Scarecrow! Miss Quinn! I didn't realize you were acquainted."

Harley glances at Crane. "We weren't."

They enter.

Back in the library…

"May I present Professor Scarecrow . . . and Miss Quinn?" Two-Face announced.

They look at Crane's costume and they stifled their giggles. Crane glares. Harley brightens up when she saw Ivy.

"Red, it's you! It's nice to see your friendly face at last!" she remarks happily.

"What, you mean this face isn't friendly too?" Nygma asked, looking hurt.

Joker sighs off-screen.

"He's got guts," he began, "calling that thing on his head a 'face'."

Tetch choked on his tea, Ivy grins, and Penguin burst out a bird-like chuckle; Nygma was staring at the Joker with dagger eyes.

"When I first saw it," Joker continues, "I thought it looks like the cat I ran-over that day."

"Watch it, Joker," Nygma growls.

Crane and Harley receive wine glasses from Selina. The Master of Fear's eyes traveled all over her body.

"Why is everybody looking at my chest!" Selina shouts.

Crane ignores her and clinks glasses with Harley.

"Of course, since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name," Two-Face stated.

"Well, duh!" they all said in unison.

In the hall, Killer Croc bangs a gong. Nygma jumps at the sound, dumping his champagne on Penguin.

"Ah, dinner," Two-Face said calmly. Then he began leading the guests out of the room.

Nygma hands Penguin his glass, starts to mop his suit up as the birdman clucks. No pun intended.

"I'm sorry, I'm a little accident-prone," he apologizes.

"You nincompoop, this is a brand new suit!" Penguin yells at him.

(1) – A line from "Young Frankenstein".

Review please! No flames!