Disclaimer: I don't own Batman: The Animated Series, and Clue.

Chapter 2: Dinner

The Rogues, er… guests cross to the dining room.

"I wonder what we are having?" Harley asked out loud.

"It better not be anything to do with plants." Poison Ivy shuddered at the thought.

The dining room is elegant, and comfortable. However, the room is small. At one end, there is a door and a metal partition, both leading to the kitchen. The guests file in.

"You'll find your names beside your places," Two-Face said. "Please be seated."

They, except for Jervis Tetch, find their places and sit. Here's the order: Ivy, Crane, Penguin sit on one side, while Nygma, Harley, and Tetch (who will be) sit on the other side.

Tetch turns to Harvey Dent as indicates the head of the table. "Is this place for you?"

"Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler," Two-Face replied in a rather bored voice.

"And what exactly do you do?" Tetch asked.

"I buttle, sir."

"Buttle isn't a word!"

"Sure it is, look up in the dictionary."

Edward Nygma AKA the Riddler takes out a small dictionary from his pocket. He flips through several pages.

"He's right," he said. "Buttle is a word. It means, 'to serve a butler'."

"I don't have 'buttle' in my dictionary," Crane said, holding up his own pocket dictionary.

"Then your dictionary is incomplete!" Joker giggled.

Isla snaps her fingers. "Let's get back to the movie, people!"

"Which means what?" Tetch continues his line.

"The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room," Two-Face explains, "I keep everything . . . tidy. That's all."

Tetch attempts to continue but he took his seat.

"Well," Penguin began, "what's all this about, butler; this dinner party?"

"'Ours is not to reason why . . . Ours is but to do and die'." Two-Face recited as he smirked.

Crane looks up. "Die"?

"Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson," Two-Face told him. "I hope I didn't scare you, Jonathan."

"I was never scared!" Crane shouted. A few people coughed in their hands, muttering, "Yeah, right."

"Hm," Tetch scoffed. I prefer Lewis Carroll, myself…"

"CUT!" Isla suddenly shouted. "Jervis, in this movie, you prefer KIPLING. Not CARROLL."

Tetch whispers, no doubt the line "Off with her head!" under his breath. He broke into a forced smile before he began to talk.

"I prefer Kipling (at this line, he threw a dirty glare at Isla)… The female of the species is more deadly than the male."

Harley and Poison Ivy both smirked, and it was making the men, mainly Nygma and Tetch, nervous.

Tetch turns to Harley. "You like Kipling, Miss Quinn?"

"Sure, I'll eat anything!" she said cheerfully.

Selina Kyle enters carrying a tray.

"Oh, look! The kitty stripper-turned-maid is here!" Nygma grinned, as he points a finger at her direction.

"I wouldn't point that finger if I were you, Edward," Selina growled. Then she turns to Penguin. "Sharks' Fin Soup, Monsieur."

"It's not really made out of sharks, right?" he asked with nervous chuckles.

"So is this for our host?" Tetch asked Two-Face again, indicating the head chair.

"No, sir. For the seventh guest, Mr. Joker," Two-Face replied as he served the trays.

"I thought Mr. Boddy was our host?" Ivy wondered.

"So do I!" the guests all concur.

"You mean, Mistah J is guest of his own home?" Harley gasped in surprise.

Ivy looks at Harvey Dent. "So who is our host, Mr. Two-Face?"

He chuckles with a closed smile.

Crane then clasps his thin hands together. "Well, I want to start, while it's still hot."

"Impatient, are we?" commented Penguin. "Shouldn't we wait for the other guest?"

"I will keep something warm for him," Selina told the bird man.

"What did you have in mind, dear?" Harley asked a hint of jealously in her tone.

There is silence at the table.

Crane AKA the Scarecrow slurps the soup from his spoon.

"The soup is quite good," he tells to the other guests.

Ivy disapproves, and then does the same thing. Tetch, Harley, and Nygma stare at them, spoons poised near mouths. Soon everyone began to eat their fill as Two-Face and Selina leave the room.

After a while, Penguin puts down his spoon and began wiping his mouth.

"Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me," he began breathlessly. "I mean, I'm used to being a host; it's part of my wife's work, and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?

He said this all non-stop. Everyone sits bewildered. Harley claps silently.

"You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?" Ivy questioned.

"Sure, it's an integral part of your life when you are the husband of a. . ." Penguin stopped talking. "Oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Cock Robin, I don't know why."

"I know who you are," Nygma suddenly spoke up. He couldn't help but smile.

"Tell us," Harley said.

"How do you know who I am?" Penguin asked. "Are you a stalker?"

"Not really. I work in Washington, too," the man in green answered.

"Oh, so you're a spouse of a politician," Crane turns to Penguin. "How exciting."

"Who's the lucky lady--?" Tetch began to ask when Two-Face opens the door from the kitchen.

Trying to change the subject, Penguin turns to Ivy. " So, what does your husband do?"

"Nothing!" she said, almost cutting him off.

"Nothing?"

"Well, he . . . just . . . lies around on his back all day."

"Sounds like hard work to me," Harley chirped up.

"How is that hard work?" Tetch looks at her.

Selina, in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly. The noise coincides with a crash of thunder. Nygma, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again, this time on Harley. He starts to wipe off her upper chest.

"Not again! I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone." He starts to wipe off her upper chest when--

"Watch it, buster."

He stops.

Selina starts serving the main course, and it looks like… whatever it is, I don't know how to describe. The guests start eating.

"Mmm!" Penguin "mmm"-ed. "This is one of my favorite recipes!"

"I know, sir. I never eat it," Two-Face said.

Penguin ignores him and he turns to Nygma. "So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Riddler?"

He didn't answer.

"Come on, what do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?"

Harley became irritated. "Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you."

"That's right," Nygma agreed. "In fact the only person I want to get acquainted with is Miss Ivy herself."

He cast a coy look at Ivy. He foot suddenly kicks him in the knee, and he winced in pain.

Meanwhile, while Penguin is talking, Selina place a plate in front of Crane. His eyes gaze at her bosoms before she gives him a threatening glare.

"Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation

going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence," Penguin protested.

"Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?" Crane asked interestingly.

"Yes! What? No, why!" the bird man squawked.

"Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call 'pressure of speech'."

"'We? Who's 'we'? Are you a shrink?" Harley asked.

"I'm a psychologist," he hissed. "But I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes."

"Are you a doctor?" Ivy asked.

"I am, but I don't practice."

Harley chuckled. "Practice makes perfect. Ha. I think most guys need a little practice, don't ya, Mr. Penguin?"

Penguin gulps, very uncomfortably.

"So what do you do, Professor?" Ivy asked again.

"I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization," Crane replied.

"Oh, no! Not another politician!" Tetch groans.

"No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization."

"UNO WHO. How original," Nygma mumbles.

"MUMBLER!" Isla teased.

"Well, what is your area of special concern?" Penguin questioned the Master of Fear.

"Family planning." Then Crane added, "Not really. I study fear and nothing else."

Then he turns to Tetch. "What about you, Colonel? Are you a real colonel?"

"Yes, I am!" the Mad Hatter grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?" Harley began.

Tetch's grin quickly disappears.

"How did you know that? Have we met before?"

"I've certainly seen you before," Harley gave him a wink. "Although you may not have seen me."

"So, Miss Scarlet, does this mean that you live in Washington, too?" Nygma asked.

"Sure do!"

"Why do I feel a sensation of foreboding?" Ivy said out loud.

"Does anyone here not live in Washington, D.C.?" Penguin asked the guests.

Crane perks up. "I don't."

"Yes, but you work for the United Nations," Nygma points a finger at him. "And that's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government in one way or another?"

"Um, pardon me for changing the subject here," interrupted Harley, everyone looks at her, "but why are we all wearing colorful costumes here?"

"Because," Crane snarled through his teeth, "the colors we are wearing represent the characters we are playing! Since, I'm playing Professor Plum, I'm wearing purple. Stop laughing, all of you! The next person who ridicules my attire shall have a taste of my Fear Gas!"

Everyone quickly stifled their laughter.

Jervis Tetch stands up suddenly and he turns angrily to Two-Face, who reacted very little.

"Okay, Two-Face, where's our host, and why have we been brought here?"

The doorbell rings and Two-Face exits. The guests, including Selina, and Killer Croc (from the kitchen) hear the door opening and Two-Face speaking.

"Ah, good evening. You are eagerly awaited." He greeted the off-screen guest.

"Are you lockin' me in? I'll take the key," the guest (obviously Joker) spoke up.

"Over my dead body, clownface. May I take your bag?"

"Nah. I'll leave it here 'til I need it."

"It contains evidence, I presume?"

"Surprises, my friend. That's what it contains--surprises!"

Two-Face enters the dining room, followed by Joker, who is wearing all black.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Joker," Dent announced.

"Hello, Mistah J!" Harley greeted excitedly.

Joker gave a small, happy gasp when he saw the guests.

"Could it be! What are my old friends all doin' here?" he asked gleefully.

"Eating dinner," Two-Face told him. "Do sit down, Mr. Joker."

With lightning speed, Joker takes the head chair and sits back with ease.

"Don't mind if I do."

Selina starts to serve him

"Nah, you can take that away, pussycat."

Selina AKA Catwoman glares at him. Harley looks back at forth between Joker and Catwoman with flickering stares. Penguin hits the table, almost scaring half the guests.

"Look. I demand to know what's going on!" he yelled. "Now why have we all been dragged up to this rotten place?"

"Well." Two-Face takes out a letter. "I believe we all received a letter. My letter says,

'It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Joker will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability.' It is signed, 'A friend'."

"I received a similar letter," Nygma stated.

"So did we, didn't we, Professor Crane?" Harley indicates Crane.

"You know, I also received a letter," Joker comments. Selina starts to serve him again. "No thanks, Selina. I had pizza earlier."

"Now, how did you know her name?" Nygma asked him.

"We know each other. Don't we, babe?"

He starts to put his hand up Selina's short skirt. She recoils.

"Forgive my curiosity, Mr. Joker," Two-Face spoke up, "but did your letter say the same thing?"

"Nope."

"I see…" He turns to the group. "Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?"

They all shook their heads. Harvey Dent flips his trademark coin and it landed in his palm. He looks at it for a while then he returned his attention to the group.

"In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions."

"Dun dun duuuuuun!" Joker sang menacingly.

"Shut up," Two-Face growled.

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