A/N I highly suggest you listen to the song 'Cruel man' from the band Intwine.

Chapter 13) Back in the saddle

.-.-.

He hadn't slept, but she didn't need to know that. After he kindly walked her across town and waved her off at the end of her street, he walked in one straight line back to the stables. His coat, which he'd taken back to prevent her from a spanish inquisition, had been drenched, same as his hat, hair, shirt, and trousers. Jumping out of his clothes he wore nothing more than his underwear he huddled himself into horse blankets while his teeth rattled.

The thunder kept him awake, the rain kept him awake, the frightened sounds of the horses … everything kept him up, and his sleep deprived mind morphed it all into a reenactment of the battlefield in Verdun.

But he fought the urge to drink and blocked out every thought and emotion. He kept the door open for the cold breeze of air, a most welcoming reminder that he was at home, in Small Heath. If he was able to stay awake, this night would eventually pass and he would conquer one more trauma.

At dawn he found himself sitting in Monaghan Boys and Precious' box, blankets wrapped firmly around his shoulders and his empty gun pointed at the door. But he was awake, sober and felt victorious.

Now if he would make it through another ordeal with Arthur he could allow himself to let his guard down.

Maria showed up, eyes red and a mark on her cheek. He made no comment about her horrible night and she didn't ask about what kept him up. Quietly, they moved around each other, she started feeding the horse, he got his cramped body up from the floor and went upstairs to change into something suitable. Since he was going to meet his brother he felt he needed some class and gave himself a fresh shave and wrapped himself in his grey three buttoned suit.

Heading down he caught her nibbling on an apple while petting Precious and his stomach growled, as if his body all of a sudden realised it needed food too, just like everyone else.

He motioned her to follow him and he walked into his uncle's office. Charlie hadn't forgiven him for hitting him yesterday and hadn't stuck it under the table. "Ya think yer doing 'ere ya soddin' twat?"

Tommy decided to let it pass and pointed at his open mouth and made circles over his stomach.

"You want food?!" Charlie nearly fell of his chair and even Maria could not hide her surprise.

Still cursing at him under his breath Charlie prepared breakfast; eggs, ham, and bread.

Nobody said anything during breakfast, Maria and Charlie where too shocked to say a word while Tommy ate, actually ate his entire breakfast. It felt good to have something in his stomach other than booze and when Charlie prepped them a cup of tea he ran through his notebook and tapped on the word, thanks.

It left Charlie speechless and if he hadn't been mute he would have told his uncle not to look so moronic.

For the first time in months, Tommy felt like he'd conquered a part of his trauma and combined with his insomnia, he felt ecstatic. His mood was a good contrast with that of Maria's who seemed ready to bawl her eyes at any minute. Another big contrast were their clothes, with Tommy's suit tailored to perfection and Maria's same-old same-old blood stained rags. Not to mention her hair, her long locks where tangled and greasy; even lice would be appalled to live there.

Poverty beamed from every inch of her, not to mention the smell. As his speaker she did not flatter the eyes and he needed that, it would smooth things up with Arthur.

Where was the last time you had a decent bath? He signed to her.

Picking on her food, Tommy realised she'd barely eaten a thing. How the tables were turned today. The lass seemed very aware of her lack of personal hygiene and tattered looks. Miserably she shook her shoulders and ficated her gaze solemnly on her cup of tea.

Tommy growled, this was not going to work with her looking like something the cat dragged in. He snatched the tea out of her hands and motioned her to get up. Unaware of what she might have done wrong she followed him outside and misery seemed to set deeper into her shoes as they passed the stables.

"Where are we going?" she questioned with a whisper but Tommy didn't respond and only motioned her to hurry up.

.-.-.

She died and went to heaven, honestly that was what it felt like when she sank her body into the hot water of Green Lane's bath house. At last, moments of solitude, surrounding by hot cleansing water. No lukewarm temperatures, no whining little sisters, no screaming aunt you have FIVE minutes, no peeking cousins.

Maria decided she was never going to leave this place. Scrubbing her skin raw with a piece of soap she finally started to recognize her own pale freckly shade from under the dirt. Her hair was a tangled mess, but at least by now a clean mess and besides free soap the public bath supplied items such as brushes and other toiletries.

Splashing water in her face she realised she couldn't smell herself anymore and embedded herself in the fresh scent of lavender.

For the first time in weeks she actually felt clean. Her uncle deliberately cut her off from using the tub. It was his way of making her less appealing to her employers, and tormenting her was just an extra bonus.

Last night had been another episode of her taking blame for things she did not do, just to get it over with. She honestly started to grow callous to the horrible things her uncle spat at her. He must have sensed it because after he threw a few bible verses at her about Maria Magdalena he changed the subject from her to her employer. He called Tommy about every vile thing he could muster and when he asked what she had to say about all that she'd dared to mention Tommy showed her more kindness than her family did.

She shouldn't have said that because it unleashed the devil inside her uncle. He'd yanked her from her chair by her hair and dragged her from the kitchen to the living room. There he made her repeated all vile things she supposedly did as a gypsy whore to her mother and two little sisters. It had been so degrading, she witnessed her mother break down in tears and receive a violent push from her uncle as she tried to pry her daughter free from his hands.

Seeing her mother hit the floor snapped something inside of her. Tormenting her was one thing, laying a hand on her mum was a whole other line he crossed. In the spur of the moment, adrenaline and built up rage from weeks came together and gave her enough strength to attack her uncle. Her nails sank into his cheek before he even realised she yanked lose, a thick pluck of her hair still within his fist.

Baffled by what she had done, she stared at her uncle who towered over her, pressing his hand against his bloody cheek. This time it was her aunt who raised hell and push, pulled and kicked her out into their backyard.

After being viciously called a disgrace to their family she got shoved into the shed and locked up for the night. She had been terrified, it was pitchblack and the place was riddled with spiders and their webs. To prevent herself from freezing to death she went on a blind search to find some blanket or extra clothes.

And that was how she spend the night, shivering and rubbing her hands to stay warm while listening to the rain and thunder ebbed away.

So sitting comfortably in a hot tub all by herself became her new definition of heaven.

When the water started to turn lukewarm and dirty she cursed the fact that she needed to step into her smelly old clothes. Wrapping herself into a towel she crossed the tiled passage towards the dressing rooms.

A few women where undressing and greeted her. Politely she greeted back and walked towards the place she stored her clothes. They were gone. She froze on the spot and felt her heart skip a beat. She looked up and below the bench she used to keep her clothes dry, but they seemed to have vanished into thin air.

"Has anyone moved my clothes?" She asked nervously at the undressing women. They both shook their head and continued gossiping about their neighbor.

Utter panic started to fill up the place of the joy she'd felt seconds ago. Tommy told her firmly he would be back in an hour and that she needed to be ready and set. After his generosity she couldn't fail him, she honestly did not want to think of what would happen to her if he would fire her. She would probably go mad and gladly be send to an asylum by her aunt and uncle.

"Lehman? Anyone here with the name Lehman?" One of the cleaning ladies popped her head around the door. "Anyone?"

"Yes, that's me," Maria muttered surprised.

"Ah, good, it took me forever to find you," the eldery lady huffed and handed her a bag. "I didn't know the Blinders hire lasses nowadays."

The gossiping women all of a sudden fell silent and Maria thought it was wise to keep her mouth shut and quietly took the bag from the lady.

"It'll cost ya," the lady pressed sour-faced and held out her hand.

"Mr Shelby always pays beforehand," Maria informed her matter-of-factly, "you know why? Because no-one dares to deliver bad work." She leaned into earshot and whispered, "because, if not … he will find you."

The cleaning lady stepped back intimidated by her softly spoken words and all of a sudden the other women were done gossiping and hurried to get out of the room.

"Sorry to bother you, Miss Lehman," the lady muttered apologetically and nearly tripped over her own feet to leave.

After the terrible way her family treated her, this little victory made a smile creep upon her face. If the entire residence of Small Heath thought she was a Blinder harlot she better use it to her advantage.

Curiously, she took all the items out of the bag; a navy blue faux wrap skirt, a sailor tie blouse, and even some underwear.

Her cheeks turned bright red as she hooked the bra and stepped into the white knickers. After she dressed, she quickly brushed her hair and wrapped it into a bun. Inspecting herself in the mirror her only flaw was the bruise on her cheek, it obviously showed.

For a moment her eyes fell onto the bag of one of the meddling women and before she knew what she was doing, she rummaged through the contents.

Turning back to face the mirror she rapidly rubbed some rouge on the mark giving her cheeks a rosy colour. It looked slightly less as if she'd been hit in the face the other night.

Retreating barefoot into the main entrance she found Tommy looking immensely bored as his fingers drummed down on the armrest of a white wicker chair. When he spotted her, his icy blue eyes calculatingly ran over her from head to toe. It made her feel incredibly self-conscious, it was the first time in weeks that she was dressed in anything but her working clothes or nightgown.

He threw her old shoes at her feet, I didn't know your size, he signed and handed her back her bucket hat, and let's pretend I never had to fetch you new underwear, he added with a smug grin on his face.

To minimize her embarrassment she quickly stepped into her shoes and put on her hat.

Why do you always wear that hideous thing? Tommy asked.

"It's my mum's," she answered, telling only half her reason to keep the hat near her. It contained all her hard earned money, all counts separately sewed into the inside, "it brings me good fortune."

After all his gypsy superstition Tommy didn't question her strange preference of head wear, dropped the issue and notioned her to get going.

The clothes are my sister's, he signed and motioned her to cross the road with him, for the love of God and all things you perceive holy, don't fuck them up. He noticed her look and added, you don't think I went dress shopping for you? She shook her head and quietly followed him as he continued, We're going to meet Arthur again. Your role today is look as lushful as you can and don't hesitate to flatter his ego. Tommy rolled his eyes as her footsteps slowed down and turned around to face her.

Look, I'm not asking you to suck his cock. Just play along, wink your pretty eyes every once in a while and don't turn down his drink. Talk directly to him, laugh if he jokes and if possible, marble at his grandeur.

He took a small velvet box from his back pocket and handed her a set of golden ear rings, Here, wear these, it'll give you some class.

Maria took the ear rings, painfully aware that her little trip to the bathhouse was to prep her up for the meeting with his brother. For a moment she almost thought he cared for her, but it turned out she simply wasn't sculpted into decent armcandy yet. Utterly reluctant she headed back to the Garrison.

.-.-.

Arthur surprised him by being on time. A vary of bottles where presented by Harry who seemed just as displeased at their presence as Maria.

Another surprise, John showed up as well, clearly very agitated.

"Why take a girl in 'ere but forget to invite the men?" His younger brother snarled and angrily parked his ass next to Arthur, both his brother's where facing him and Maria sat quietly next to him.

Tommy stiffly tapped his cigarette on the ashtray, since when did John have the nerve to question him?

"I recall promising Aunt Pol and Arthur to be his advisor. However, I can't recall asking for your opinion." Maria filled in for him.

John jolted up, wildly motioning on his speaker. "Oh so she's talking for you now? What's next, her pointing your bloody gun?!"

In a blink of an eye Tommy pulled his revolver from between his trousers and pointed directly at his younger brother's face. John gulped and slowly sank back in his seat.

Unhurried he pressed his revolver back and Maria spook for him. "I'm still very capable of pulling the fucking trigger if you'd like to ask, John."

"Brother's," Arthur placed a calming hand on John's shoulder and gave Tommy a stern stare, "we ain't here to fight, but to talk business."

"Yeah, yeah!" Another thing sparked John's rage back up, "let's talk business. Like how you're planning to screw us all over for cocaine. We ain't drug dealers, Tom, for fuck sake, what's gotten into you?"

Okay, if John was keeping up this attitude he was going to strike him in the face.

"Pol ain't like it either!" His younger brother added sourly.

So much for their strong family bond.

"Listen, if none of you are interested in keeping our legacy intact, I might as well fucking go." Maria spoke with not even half of the amount of anger she could have used.

It was time for Arthur to step up his game as the leader of the Peaky Blinders and he slammed down his fist with enough force to make their glasses rattle.

"Aye, you both shut up! Tommy is right about the coppers, you know it John!" Arthur snapped, referring to their boxing ring at Wolfhamptons. "Sooner or later we will lose the place and I'd rather sell it with lots of profit. And the Italians are getting to big for us to swallow. We need to do something."

"I agree!" John snapped back. "But I don't see how dealing cocaine will save us."

"Have I ever made a mistake before?" Maria translated from Tommy's angered motions. "I've taken risks bigger than this one."

"Well yes, but that was before-..." John suddenly paused and fell quiet.

And there it was again, the big out of it's fucking mind mute elephant in the room. With utter frustration Tommy yanked his trademark hat off and turned his head to show his brother his awful scars.

"Say it, John-boy, fucking say it! Before I blew myself to bits?! Before they had to teach me how to take a fucking piss again?! Before I lost my fucking voice? Fucking say it John!" Maria rapitly vocalised his heartache and bluntly addressed the elephant in the room.

His younger brother's mouth dropped into a small 'o' and Arthur carefully tried to ease the tension. "Tom, I don't think John-"

Tommy shot his arm up and gave them his middle finger.

"Fuck you, Arthur, of course he meant it! It's so easy to judge my decisions. But you weren't there, Johnny-boy. You weren't there with Arthur and me in the trenches, no your ass was all warm and cosy at the cavalry, while we were digging our own graves! You weren't there when they dug me up! You weren't there in the hospital, you didn't show up for weeks! And now you sit there, judging me and crying like a little girl that I didn't invite you to our little tea party. Well fuck you, John, fuck you!"

Tommy didn't think Maria, on her own, would have used so many curses in a month, let out in one breath. She could have sounded more bitter and a lot more aggravated, but it still beat writing everything down.

"If you want to be here, John, I suggest you keep your mouth shut and listen," Maria filled in for him and he directed himself to Arthur. Before continue signing he cracked his knuckles. "Cocaine is our best option Arthur, more and more soldiers head home. Alcohol is one thing, it blurs the nightmares. Opium is another great escape, but cocaine … cocaine is what keeps a man going. It sharpens your senses, loosens your tongue, cocaine is men's new best friend. And friendship is for sale, for a fair price."

There was a soft knock on the door, one Tommy had been waiting for. He snapped his fingers in Maria's direction and motioned for her to get it for him.

Harry presented himself with a silver platter and both his brother's watched surprised as the barman placed the tray down and took off the shiny cover.

Three thick prepped lines of cocaine came in view and Arthur whistled.

"Gentlemen, may I have your attention. This is -first class- Chinese cocaine. Resource? Our local chinese market." His self indulged smirk grin grew wider with the second. When he gave Maria an hour to fetch herself up he'd quickly raced by Watery Lane for some decent clothes and spent the rest of the time bribing one of the young teenagers to sell him some T-O-K-Y-O. What he loved about the Chinese district, nearly no-one spoke proper English so everything needed to be done with body language and a lot of pointing.

Arthur eagerly took out his wallet and rolled a banknote. He snorted half a line and gasped, pinching the bridge of his nose: "Jesus, that's the good stuff." John seemed at least as interested as his older brother and rotated the silver platter.

Sniffing his nose after half a line disappeared he eyed at Arthur and started to laugh, rubbing his gums. "I have to give it to those chinks, they have quality dope."

Tommy pulled the platter his way. Rule number one of a salesman, always have merchandise within arms reach. He winked at Maria and signed, Ladies first.

The girl, who'd bravely tried to sip from her whiskey stared at him as a deer struck in headlights. Luckily for her, he was never good with sharing. The drug hit him like thunder, within seconds he felt his heart beat rapidly in his throat and all the cramped up tension and self-doubt disappeared faster then the line of cocaine itself.

And of course this shared drug use asked for a toast. Of course they had to get a second drink to celebrate their restored unity. By the third drink, Tommy mapped out his plan, they needed a step into the Chinese market, someone who could get them in touch with their top dog.

Miraculously enough, John might hold the right card, he once slept with a Chinese metresse who fancied him. She spoke a few words of English and wasn't as reserved as most of her peers. She once mention they all had to pay their parts to the Red Dragon.

With a bit of luck and some of John's shagging, they had one step in. This would speed up the entire process and with his newly found confidence, Tommy felt thrilled to be back in action.

So of course this asked for another drink. And another line, for his own private use in Harry's toilet.

Maybe, just maybe he overdone it. A little, a tat. Staring at himself in the mirror of the men's laventary, with pupils the size of saucers and tunnel vision blurring both his mind and eyesight, he might have let himself go. A little.

His jaws clenched tightly together and he wasn't fully in control of his flexing neck when he sat back with his brothers. He didn't give a damn, not really. He was back in the game, the million dollar man. With or without his voice, he still managed to remain the real Tommy M. Shelby.

It was early in the evening when Arthur called it a day and said he needed to fill Polly in with their great news. John tagged along, counting his money to get his part of the deal 'in action'.

Tommy emptied his drink and glared at Maria who hadn't spoken for herself ever since she sat down next to him. Her drink was still as good as untouched and she still seemed very struck by the free drug and alcohol use that took part in their office.

Wasting a good drink didn't appear in Tommy's books, so he also drained her glass and ordered her to get up. He was going to get her home and maybe head to the Chinese brothel himself. Maybe do a little 'research', he sniggered by his own thought.

It was dark outside and still watery from the night before, the cold and rainy weather did not bother him, he was a million dollar man. Locking his arm with hers, he noticed three young man having a laugh underneath an overhang. They were laughing and pointing.

And this was as he later recalled the moment hell broke loose. It was as if they pulled a switch. They were laughing and pointing. Laughing. And pointing. At him? At him...At him!

And the chemically infused rage that flared up inside of him was beyond reason. Tunnel vision morphed all injustice in the world into the three young man.

Without a doubt he stepped up to the first man, a freckled redhead, maybe in his early twenties.

"Is there a problem?" Freckles asked still sniggering to his closest friend.

Without a second of doubt Tommy collided his fist into the nose of the ginger and kneed him viciously in the groin when his opponent hunched forward.

The tallest of the three was the first to step up for his friend and tried to push him away. He felt the sleeve of his jacket tear and that was another sign he had all right to be this furious. His fingers dug into the face of his new opponent and holding his head in a solid grip he headbutted him in the face. Something broke, Tommy wasn't sure if it was tall guy's nose or front teeth, but by the flailing limbs he knew he knocked him unconscious.

The third guy made a run for it, the fucking pussy. With rage still building up he failed to keep in his sound and he howled like an animal.

Focusing fully back on the moaning redhead he shoved him on his side with his boots. Through squinted green eyes he saw fear, the same fear all those chin up bastards shared.

Tommy looked around and spotted Maria in a state of complete shock.

Translate, he signed at her, nearly falling over from his wildly motioning arms, just because I stopped talking, doesn't mean I stopped fighting. This mute will fucking knock your teeth out. He spat on the ginger on the floor, stepped back to the overhang. With his bare hands he broke off a part of the drainpipe and clenched the irion. He would fucking knock his teeth out.

"Tommy stop! Stop it!" Before he could raise the pipe above his head Maria jumped down to the wounded redhead. "Please, I'm begging you! Stop it, please!" She raised her arms to protect her face, painfully aware she placed herself right in the middle. "Please, don't hurt him anymore! Please stop!"

Her pleads made him step out of his deranged tunnel vision for a moment and with a snarl he tossed the drainpipe at her feet. Fuck her for being fragile, fuck her pleads that sounded painfully familiar, fuck her for making him realise he was his father's split image.

He dragged her to her feet and gave the redhead a last kick in the groin, he could have used more force but his rage changed into something internal. He pulled her away from the crime scene, wouldn't take long for the coppers to be present now. They passed a few allies and as he got his breath back under control Maria tore herself lose from his grip.

"I'm done!" She hiccuped tearfully, "I won't be your puppet any longer! You're a monster, did you see what you've done to that poor man? What you nearly did?" When she didn't receive a sign of remorse she pushed him away. "I won't work for you anymore! It's not worth it!"

Tommy's jaw flexed and with one hand he grabbed her chin and pushed her roughly against the brick wall.

See that's where you are wrong, he signed letting her go but remaining full eye contact, you will keep working for me or you won't work at all.

A shiver ran through her body, she took his threat serious but she didn't look away. He didn't know where her sudden courage came from but she was no longer that scared little grey mouse.

"As you wish, Mr Shelby." She spat at him, clipped off the golden earrings to throw them at his feet. "As you wish."

.-.-.

Yeah, so this is the chapter that makes me wonder of I should put this story from a T to an M. Domestic abuse, drugs, a lot of unnecessary violence. This chapter didn't go as I planned, Tommy was not suppose to be this much of an -in lack of better words- a complete and utter asshole. But hey, I still love him, #TeamTommy.

All kinds of feedback will be very much appreciated.

Xoxox Nukyster