Interlude 8: Heart of Glass

I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve this honor. Everyone in the room is thinking the same thing.

"What does that filthy Eleven think he's doing?"

Lelouch is right. The Empire under his father is beyond saving.

But...Britannia under Euphemia? That, I'm less certain of.

I take a deep breath as I walk into the grand hall where my knighting ceremony will take place. The feeling of loathing, hatred, and venomous glares would break and quail a lesser man.

It's no less than what I deserve for what I've done.

At the end though, on a small podium, smiling on the stairs as she looks my way?

The most wonderful woman I've ever met.

She's different from anyone I ever met. Kindness and openheartedness personified. A soul as clean and pure as mine is tainted and maimed.

I kneel, offering my ceremonial blade to begin the ritual.

Euphie holds the blade upright, her face focused.

"Suzaku Kururugi, willst thou hold thyself to the principles of chivalry, knighthood, and justice?"

That's not...I see. Looks like Euphie is making a statement.

"I so swear, by my family name and honor."

She taps my shoulder gently, "Will thou swear to be loyal to me, holding my word all others?"

...何?!(What?!) Oh god...I can't...why Euphie...why?

I can't make that oath, I'd be betraying my bond to Lelouch!

Lulu said this needed to be done. That I must do this so someone will protect Euphemia. That she needs someone to stand by her.

But he never said I would have to choose between them.

Can I do that? Can I betray the man I love for a woman I find myself falling in love with? For a dream that I know isn't real...but want so desperately to be true?

"...I so solemnly swear, my princess."

Forgive me, Lelouch. Kaguya, Kallen, Nunnally...

But I can't. I can't give up the chance to see if there's something worth saving. That maybe...just maybe, Euphemia's way is right. That an Imperial scion can do what an Eleven can't.

Zero is trying to force change from without. Euphemia, from within. Please god, let me be right...please don't make me choose.

"Will thou swear to be my sword and shield?" she finishes, tapping my other shoulder with the blade.

Yes Euphie. Lelouch said I should protect you. But...I'll do more than that. I'll be by your side as the man, no, the Knight you deserve.

"I swear, with all my heart," I intone, bowing my head.

Euphie lowers the blade and smiles, "Then rise, SIR Suzaku Kururugi, Knight of Honor!"

I turn proudly to face the crowd...and find myself facing a wall of stony silence and poisonous glares.

*clap clap clap*

Everyone's attention is suddenly drawn to the jolly expression of my boss, Lloyd Asplund as he claps merrily.

Next to him? General Darlton and his sons, the famed Glaston Knights, join in after a moment. It takes a few moments, but the rest of the room reluctantly starts clapping with them, Her Highness Princess Cornelia being among the last to applaud.

If looks could kill...I'd never say it to her face, but? Lelouch is far more intimidating when he's breathing fire and brimstone.

Don't get me wrong, she's a striking and attractive woman. But I've never seen her smile. Or at least, not any smile that wasn't twisted with bloodlust.

Probably why Lelouch keeps hitting on her. I've seen that smile on him, too.

General Darlton comes up afterwards, a neutral expression on his scarred face.

And then he comes to a parade salute, eyes fixed on mine. I reflexively go to parade march stance on pure instinct from years as a grunt private.

That, gets a small smirk to crack on his lips.

"I doubt any of the parasites in the local nobility or the ranking officers will acknowledge you. But for what it's worth? I'm rooting for you, kid."

My eyes widen momentarily at that remark. I nod slowly, "Yes sir. Thank you, Sir."

He barks out a laugh as his shoulders roil with suppressed mirth, "Ha! At ease, soldier. You're a Knight of Honor now. That means I can't tell you what to do anymore."

I let out a breath as I try to relax after the nerve-wracking ceremony. I've chosen my path. I can't back down now.

"General, I—"

He waves a hand, "Call me Darlton. We're not in the field, and you're nobility now. We're not that far apart in rank."

"Darlton, do you have any advice for a young officer that you think would help?"

He raises an eyebrow, "Son, the fact that you even ask that question is a good sign in my book. So I'm going to say something that you need to remember."

At that, he sighs and gives me a hard look, "You're not going to make any friends here. No matter how well you do, or how hard you try, some people won't be able to see past your being an Honorary Britannian."

He motions with his eyes to Euphie, "But her? She's something special. It's why Her Highness Cornelia hates you, aside from your being an Eleven. Because she doesn't think you're worthy of Euphemia."

He looks into my eyes and then shrugs, "And maybe you even agree with her. But what neither of you two realize is? It's not your choice to make, or hers. It's Euphemia's."

I nod, "And she chose me. I understand. I won't let you down, Sir Darlton."

He raises an eyebrow, and then turns around to leave.

Before he does, he turns his head around slightly, "Make her happy, Kururugi. She deserves that much."

Saying that, he walks over to his sons, our conversation clearly finished.

Make her happy? How? That wasn't helpful at all!

"Suzaku."

I turn around to see Euphie's smiling face, and suddenly everything seems brighter. The world less grim, the future more hopeful.

"What did Uncle Darlton want?"

I rub the back of my head sheepishly, "Well, he said I should make you happy and that he thought I was worthy of this position."

Her lilac eyes twinkle with mirth, "What do you think happiness is, Suzaku?"

Happiness...I remember the last time someone asked me that question. It's been a long time since then. Maybe I can be happy again.

Even if I can't ever be with Lelouch again...

I take a deep breath to steady my nerves before I respond.

"I always thought happiness...was like glass."

She blinks cutely at that, "Glass? That's..strange."

I shrug, "It's something I thought up when I was a kid. Before...Area 11..." I trail off.

Aw dammit, now I made her sad.

"Anyway, I thought it was like that, because you don't notice glass. It's still there, you just don't see it normally."

I look upwards wistfully, "But if you change your point of view, it will sparkle as it reflects the light."

I shake my head sheepishly, "Sorry, Your Highness, I just got lost in memories. It was just something shallow I thought as a child. I said it to a friend once and it stuck with me."

I hear a sniffle as I look at her in surprise. Her eyes are shimmering with emotion and adoration.

She's never looked more beautiful to me.

"That..., that was one of the most beautiful things I ever heard. Thank you, Suzaku."

She steps forward to hold my hand with her own, "And I told you, call me Euphie..." she whispers.

The harsh whispers around at my audacity for holding her hand have as much impact as a gentle breeze.

"Who did you say that to?" Euphie asks as I escort her to her room.

Uh oh...I know exactly when that conversation was. And more importantly, whom it was with.

"...It was your brother. Lelouch vi Britannia and your sister Nunnally. I said it to them before the war."

White lie. I actually said it during our traveling through the war torn countryside. Kami, I shouldn't have mentioned it at all! Why am I so stupid?! Lelouch is the one who's good at talking to people, why did I think I could lie to Euphie?!

She blanches and sits in a chair, "What...what were they like?" she asks with a deep weariness.

I gulp at the question. Okay, Suzaku. Play it cool. You can do this.

...It's so much easier when someone is telling me what to do. Easier to lie, easier to put on a mask.

"It was odd, actually," I say lightly, trying not to let my fears show on my face. "We actually hated each other right from the start. I thought he was a rude Britannian prince here to taunt us."

She gapes in surprise at that. It's rather unbelievable when I'm telling it to someone else.

"But...then I realized that he was taking care of his blind sister. And he didn't trust me, either," I say with a sigh.

Euphie gives me a forlorn look, "After Father exiled the two of them, I only saw them once after that before they left. He said he'd see me again some day. I never saw my siblings again..."

She stands up, then crawls to clasp my leg as her tearful face looks up, "Please, Suzaku. I want to hear more. Don't leave me in the dark."

I gently disentangle myself from her arms and kneel, face grimacing, "Euphie...I'm your knight...I can't...I don't want to hurt you..."

She gives me an unladylike snort as she kneels with her hands on her hips, "Suzaku, you're my friend, not just my knight. And friends tell friends what they need to hear."

I sit seiza style and take a deep breath before continuing.

"We...didn't get along for some time. He thought I was a bully and a stupid jock. I thought he was a nerdy egghead with delusions of grandeur. We probably wouldn't have been friends if I hadn't seen something one day."

Euphie leans on my shoulder as I continue, her violet eyes focused on mine.

"Some kids in town were beating him up because he was Britannian. So I jumped in and sent them packing."

I shake my head sadly, "He hadn't tried to fight back. He was willing to take the hits just to protect the groceries and coupon card he got for them."

"Groceries? I thought he was your guest..."

I grimace, "He didn't trust us. He wanted to take care of his sister himself. I didn't realize what was really going on at the time."

I turn to Euphie with a sad smile, "He and Nunnally were hostages. All but exiled by his father's command. And after a while? Thanks to Nunnally, we realized we had a few things in common and became friends."

Of course, nowadays, if somebody tried to pick on Lelouch, he'd probably do what he did to a group of people harassing me after he kissed me.

A few students were taunting me, calling me a faggot among other things. One of them threw food at me.

I'd put up with that kind of thing before. It was nothing compared to the hazing in the military. Hurt the Eleven just enough to make him ache, but not enough that it gets attention. These students were just pathetic in comparison.

But...Lelouch wasn't so easily mollified.

I grimace as the juice runs down my face, the acidity hurting my eye.

"C'mon, Eleven bitch! Do something!"

I stand stoically, ignoring the stares, the whispers. They're minor nobility, so these boys are untouchable.

"This wretch isn't even reacting!"

One of them, a brown-haired youth with a sneering face, rears back his fist, "Let's see if the fag's blood is red!"

"How about we see yours instead?" a low sinister voice says before a pale fist and a black shoe-clad foot fly out, striking the boy in the temple and ribs respectively.

A cry of pain bursts from his lips as he crumbles to the ground whimpering. The malevolent eyes of Lelouch Lamperouge watching with silent cruelty.

"I should have expected nothing less from the dregs of nobility like you, Samuel Farthingsworth."

Sam groans on the ground, "Lamperouge? Why...? He's just a Number..."

Lelouch smiles dementedly as he kneels, hands holding Sam's cheeks as he whispers something to the youth that makes his face turn white with fright.

"It's, IT'S A LIE! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE!"

Lelouch slowly pulls out his phone, tapping a few keys and then turning the screen towards the youth, who shivers in fear from whatever he's seeing.

God damn, Lelouch...I had half expected him to just brutalize the guy by stomping him into the ground. But this? The kid is terrified of whatever he's seeing.

"I trust we have an understanding, Mr. Farthingsworth?" Lelouch's sibilant voice rings out for everyone to hear.

The boy nods glumly, "Crystal, Mr. Lamperouge. Just...please don't call my father. I'll do whatever you want."

Lelouch pats his cheek condescendingly, "Wonderful. Just make it known that I will retaliate against any and all attempts to bully or harm my Suzu. Should I find you in breach of this accord?"

He suddenly grabs Sam by the back of his head with his long fingers flexing like claws into the young man's skull, causing a gasp of pain.

"I. Will. KNOW. Now get out of my sight."

The young man nods jerkily and swiftly vacates the area.

I stare in awe at the sheer presence of Lelouch at that moment. And more than a bit of worry.

"Lelouch..." I say as I get close to him, whispering. "What did you say to him?"

"His father owes me a considerable amount of money from chess losses. And I have some rather damaging information on the man. I simply apprised young Samuel of the knife's edge he's on and how to avoid being cut," he answers slyly.

I frown, worry lines on my face, "You're not worried he'll retaliate? Or that you're exposing yourself too much?"

He sighs...before spinning and wrapping me in a hug.

"He's smart enough to realize his position. And by making an example of him? I prevent other idiots from doing similar actions."

His hand runs along my spine, sending electricity through my being, his purple eyes amorous.

"As for exposure? I would kill his entire family if they harmed you."

I give him a hard stare, "And I'd stop you. I won't let you kill just for your bloodlust, Lulu."

If anything, he smiles wider at that, "And that's one reason I love you. Because you're a better man than me and I trust you to know when to stop me," he says as he kisses me softly, hands moving around my body.

I should be stopping this. Telling him not to do this in public.

But...It feels good. And I've been so lonely for a long time.

"Suzaku...you're crying," Euphie says quietly as she caresses my face with her white glove.

Am I? I didn't even realize. It doesn't matter how much it hurts. I swore myself to Euphemia.

I can't be with Lelouch. Or CC. Not anymore.

"I...I'm sorry, Euphie. This was just not easy to talk about," I say clumsily.

"Suzaku..." she says mournfully as she clutches me like a teddy bear, her head resting on my chest.

"It's okay to be sad. Just know...I'm here for you."

I barely stop myself from crying. How can she be so kind? She doesn't know what I've done. What I'm doing even now. My crimes, my lies, my traitorous heart.

"I killed my father," I whisper solemnly.

She freezes in place at the blunt declaration.

"He...he was going to kill my people. Do or die resistance. Everyone dying rather than being Numbers in Britannia."

Liar. He was going to kill Lelouch. To sell Nunnally into slavery, a treacherous part of me whispers, disturbingly sounding like Lelouch himself.

"I tried to reason with him. To get him to stop this madness."

To save my friends. Yes, my people were important. But...I'm ashamed to say Lelouch and Nunnally mattered more to me at the time. And maybe they still do...

Euphie rubs my back gingerly, her purple eyes almost glowing in the soft light of the evening.

"I stabbed him with his own dagger...and ran like a coward," I say with a corpse's voice as my eyes water.

"That's why I'm not worthy, Euphie. Why I don't deserve to be your knight, why I—"

*smack!*

I stop, stunned as Euphie gives me a startled look, looking from her hand that just slapped me, to the mark on my face.

After a moment, her gaze hardens as she nods to herself.

And suddenly a dream has come to life as I hold her in my arms, our lips touching gently.

"I would never have chosen a coward. I chose YOU. Because you're one of the finest men I've ever met. A man worthy of the title of Knight. And I won't let my knight...no. The man I love, tear himself apart. Not when he doesn't deserve it. And not when I can help," she whispers, her hand caressing my red cheek with her velvet glove.

...Darlton, you cunning old man. You knew. Alright. I understand now.

"Euphie...is this okay? I mean, I'm your knight and—"

"Cornelia is sleeping with Guilford. She can cast no stones in this matter," she declares with a glare.

"What about my being an Eleven...?" I say quietly.

She giggles, "Well, the tabloids already think we're doing that, anyway. And truth be told, a lot of royals have close relationships with their Knights. Not all, but it's fairly common. As for your race?"

She nuzzles my cheek, tearing up, "Do you care that I'm Britannian or a princess?"

I gasp, shaking my head lightly, "Of course not! But it's not—!"

She silences me with a finger on my lips, "It's not the same, no. But I don't care. I'm doing this because it's right. And if both of us don't care? Then no one else matters."

That's...that's so simple. So black and white. So...kind.

I kiss her softly as I rub her back. I may have lost Lelouch. But I gained something in return.

So why does my heart still ache...?