Author's Note: This and another forthcoming chapter will be a kind of homage paid by individual characters to Catherine. So, I hope you'll be able to follow the first person POV.There's going to be a lot of flashbacks and introspections, all from Grissom, Warrick, Nick, Greg and Brass. There won't be anything from Sara or Catherine, but they will be mentioned often enough in the flashbacks. This particular chapter contains mild spoilers from Nesting Dolls,Bang Bangand Way To Go. Also, if you've watched Alter Boys, you'll get the significance of the part with Grissom. And all pathetic attempts at poetry are mine, so I can't put the blame on anyone else (looks away)

Chapter Twenty One

"I weighed not the value of your friendship

For I never felt the need to

I knew you shall always side me

Until I lost you"

My real name is Gilbert J. Grissom. Very few people, that is, people I can count with one hand, call me Gil. Most call me Grissom. There was a time when I reveled in being called Doctor Grissom, but very soon that novelty wore off. Of course, the strangers I meet during my cases call me Mister Grissom. You can call me anything you want; most of the times I won't notice.

I'm not prone to introspection. My mother used to say that I'm like one of those ancient Babylonians who were amazed by what was in the sky. They spent so much time in studying the stars that they often forgot what awaited them on earth. According to her, I devote all my effort in studying other people, deciphering what evil lurks beneath them that I never look inside me. What can I say; my mother is one perceptive woman.

But today, even I cannot be deterred from reflecting back. Sara requested some time alone at the parking lot. Knowing Sara, she usually needs some private time to nurse her wounds. There is just this far that she could be pushed and after that, you have to trust her. I told her I will be waiting by the car but my destination was forgotten when I heard the distinct toll of bells. I could see the spires of a Church rising just a block away.

I felt the familiar coolness on entering inside. As usual, the interiors were dim, save for the sunlight filtering through the high stained-glass windows on which various scenes from the Gospel were painted. The only inhabitants of the otherwise empty pews were the leather-bound hymn books. I recognized some of the Saints, sculpted with their faces marked in serene kindness. There were also the prominent Fourteen Stations of the Cross on the fourteen pillars. I could perhaps go on and on about the aesthetic beauty that Churches are known for, but I shall not digress further.

While my faith in God has remained somewhat intact over the years, my faith in the Church, in Christianity or any religion for that matter, has diminished until it has become negligible. So, you ask, what I'm doing here. The answer is not a simple one.

Burning candles on both sides of the Altar said that either members of the Clergy or individuals with desperate needs have been in here recently. I brought no candles; I didn't even have a prayer.

I took out my wallet and there, tucked beneath my identity and credit cards, were two pictures. One was of my mother, looking energetic as always and the other was a group picture taken during last year's LVPD charity function. People, who know me, will be surprised at such sentimentality on my part. But I'm not unemotional, I'm just unexpressive.

In these group pictures, I never stand alone. Catherine's always there with me. She used to say we are like yin and yang, complementing each other perfectly. Many would be surprised that our relationship never strayed into the romantic area. Do I think she is beautiful? Of course. Have I been attracted towards her? I wouldn't be human if I hadn't ever been drawn to this combination of looks and intellect. However, did I want something more than friendship with her? The answer is a plain no. You can only form certain relationships with certain people. Even me, with my supposedly limited social circle, knows that.

I still remember clearly the first day I had a conversation with her. My then boss, Dr. Girard, had introduced me to her. She was to be our new lab technician. I could already see that she had the rest of the lab, 99.99 male at that time, fawning over her. However, my reason for gawking was entirely different. I remembered her from a case I had solved at the French Palace. She was one of the exotic dancers there. When her eyes met mine, I could see that she recognized me too.

---

"Dr. Grissom?"

I looked up, slightly irritated. I had been struggling to finish my case reports and leaving early. There was a roach race at the Convention.

"Catherine Willows." She introduced herself, mistaking my blank expression for non-recognition.

"Yes, what can I do for you?"

"I just…" She took a moment to choose her words. "I was hoping that you wouldn't say anything about the last time we met."

It irked me that she would categorize me amongst the many other gossip-mongers in the lab. "It is none of my business what you do outside here."

"No, of course not. It's just that, such a piece of news is hard to keep hidden." She smiled. "I know you haven't told anybody yet otherwise I should be holding my resignation already."

"If you were chosen to work here, you obviously fulfill the criteria. Why should your private life be of any importance?" I questioned, somewhat confused.

She chuckled at my naiveté. "Do you know how hard it was for me to get this job in the first place? Me, woman…" A scoff. "Anyways, if they came to know I used to work as a stripper, they would have enough moral grounds to fire me."

"Would they?" I asked, still puzzled. As far as I knew, such discrimination wasn't allowed. Then again, those days, I knew little.

She shrugged.

"Well, no one will hear it from me." I assured her.

She nodded, pleased.

"Besides, we all have our secrets."

"You do? You don't look like a man with secrets."

"Hmm, let's see. How does, 'I'm getting late for a cockroach professional race' sound to you?"

She gave me a bewildered stare before breaking into a throaty laughter. "I like your sense of humor, Dr. Grissom." She was still laughing when she left me alone. Of course, over the years, she came to know that I was serious about the race.

---

She is one of the people with whom I have come close to, but strictly as a best friend. That doesn't mean there haven't been rumors. I believe, every woman I have dated have felt intimidated by the closeness I share with Catherine. But we survived all gossip. We even endured the usual office politics that could tear apart the strongest of bonds. We both had been through several emotional rollercoasters, she in particular. There was a time when Ecklie had split our teams, but we still managed to see each other every day or ask for help. Our friendship had probably been the only stable thing in the entire duration we had known each other. Though, it did come very close to disintegrating once. Ironically, it was over Sara.

---

I had just returned after talking to Sara. I have known the woman for so long and yet at times it seems as if I don't know her at all. When she told me about her parents, I was shocked. Not so much because of the horror of it, I see enough of that everyday, but because it had happened to her.

When I reached home, I see Catherine waiting outside. I was going to hate this.

"Why, Gil?" Her eyes were flashing angrily. "Why do you cut her so much slack?"

I sigh. "Catherine, she is an excellent CSI. I'm not being partial."

"She insulted me in front of the entire lab and yet you defend her. You call this being impartial?"

"Domestic abuse cases get to her."

"And therefore she is allowed to throw caution to the wind? Aren't you the one who said that we should be professional when on cases, or are those rules not applicable to your friend?" She smacked sarcastically.

"You have no idea what she's been through, Cath!" I snap, defending both myself and Sara.

I could see she was torn between anger and her curiosity to find out what exactly I meant. I took advantage of the situation.

"Look, why don't you just talk to her?"

"No, thanks."

"Seriously, Cath. It's been five years since she's come here and you are probably the only person who hasn't completely embraced her as one of our own."

"What does she expect from me, a red carpet?"

"Why do you hate her so much?" My head was throbbing. I hated arguing, but as long as these two were antagonistic towards each other, I had no other way.

"I don't hate her!" She looked almost horrified at the suggestion.

"Is it because she couldn't bring Eddie's case to closure?"

"No… I mean, yes, but not entirely."

I waited for her to add more, but she was looking away, her brows furrowed in thought. After a while, I raised my hands up in truce. "Look, you have everyone to support you. You have Ecklie to support you. Sara has no one. Just get to know her; she's not as bad as you think."

"I never said she was bad." Catherine shook her head. "I just don't like how she… treats me as if I'm an enemy."

That was interesting. I had never noticed Sara doing that. I had always assumed it was the other way round and Catherine never cared much for Sara, one way or the other.

"Maybe she is just wary of you. You haven't really given her a reason not to be." I remind her.

She glared at me. "There you go, taking her side again."

"This is not a competition." I was exasperated.

"It's the first time, you haven't had my back. You know how that makes me feel?"

"What happened today was wrong, but she doesn't deserve to be fired because of it. All I ask is for you to give her a chance. Get to know Sara, Cath. You'll be surprised."

---

There is that well-known Crucifix above the altar. No, I'm not religious. No, I'm not sentimental. But I'm still here. I cannot even begin to figure out why.

Maybe I don't want to admit to myself that without Catherine, I feel crippled.


"Some words are unspoken

Some hearts never see the light

A tear drops to the ground

As I watch you step into the night"

---

"Hey." I sat down beside her. She looked up at me. Her eyes were heavy and her face pasty. But her face glowed when she smiled. Struck as always by this woman, I felt the familiar increase in my pulse rate.

"Hey, shouldn't you be home? You've stayed by Brass since last night."

"For a moment I thought we lost him." I looked through the glass windows at the sleeping form of Jim Brass. Even though the doctors had declared him out of danger, they had asked for him to remain in complete rest for a couple of days.

"But he's back and you really should go home." I felt Catherine squeeze my hand.

"To what, another fight with Tina?" I mutter bitterly.

"You want to talk about it?"

I sigh and look into her wonderful eyes. They make me want to bare my soul and offer it to her. "I don't think this thing with Tina is working, Cath."

"This thing is called marriage, Warrick." She spoke a little too harshly.

"Yeah, sorry… I meant my marriage with Tina. When I saw her at the casino, I thought she was having an affair. It was almost as if I wanted her to have an affair, any reason to convince me that she is wrong for me."

"Have you guys considered a therapist?"

"Therapists help in mending the marriage."

She gave me a sharp look. "Are you saying you want a divorce from her?"

"I just know that I feel as if I was a little too impulsive in marrying her."

"That may be the case, but don't you think you owe it to her to give it a try?"

I swallowed a lump. "And what about us?"

"There is no us." She told me firmly. "We are great friends. We could have been more, but we didn't. We had a chance and we lost it. We can't live in could-haves any longer."

"So, you are over us?" I couldn't help feeling disappointed.

"I have no right to still like you, War. I'll never be able to live with myself if I'm the one who wrecks your marriage."

I knew she was right. My own conscience had told me the same thing. But I was a risk-taker, someone who throws away reason at the face of instincts.

"If you don't make an effort with Tina, you'll have to live with the fact that you were too casual with your marriage." She had on a far-away look. "I'm probably the last person who should be giving marital advices, but God knows, I tried with Eddie. I did everything in my power to stop our family from breaking. However, Eddie was Eddie and he failed to be a good husband. At the very least, I have the satisfaction that I didn't let off that easily. Trust me, you treat one commitment carelessly, and it haunts you for the rest of your life."

"So, you mean you'll never take that step again?" I asked. It gave me a shameful relief to think that, if not me, Catherine will never grow special with anyone else.

"There was a time that romance, great sex and charm worked wonders on me. But now I am a mother and the person I'm with, needs to understand that. The person will have to accept me, along with Lindsay, my past, my imperfections and my crazy job. At this juncture in my life, I can't compromise myself to anyone. I can't take a risk with my daughter. I need to know that if I love someone, they are a good parent, a good friend and overall a good person."

"Someone you can rely on." I added sadly. I was reliable, but not in relationships and we both knew that.

"It's going to be easy for me to be attracted to someone, but next to impossible for me to fall in love. And I'm not going to take that huge step unless I love the person." Catherine exhaled. "But I'm satisfied with the way things are. What I want in my future partner are rare qualities. If it comes true, it will be like coming home after a gruesome and difficult case and finding him waiting for me, holding my hand, sensing my exhaustion and asking me…"

"Coffee?" Sara chirped, walking in with two steaming cups of the beverage "They have been freshly brewed and they taste almost like one of Greg's potpourri." She stopped when she saw the blank look Catherine shot her and then she looked at me.

"What's wrong?" She asked, frowning. "Did I interrupt something?"

Laughter spilled out of me. Seeing me, Catherine began to smile. This made Sara even more confused.

"Clue me in on the joke, please?"

"Long story, Sara." I chortled as I accepted the cup from her. Catherine glanced away, embarrassed.

----

I stepped up to the podium. I could see Tina from here and sense her silent support. She hadn't known Catherine personally but she knew all about her. Catherine had directed me towards the right path years ago and for that I will be eternally grateful. We both will.

"I'm Warrick Brown." I speak out. "Catherine was my friend, a colleague and someone I could trust with my life." My voice caught. "She will always be remembered…"