Disclaimer: The song "Just as I am" doesn't belong to me. It was written and performed by Air Supply and I have just scooped it out from my mp3 collection.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Catherine gingerly ran her fingers across Sara's face. It was warm. Not wanting to move her, they had stayed in the desert heat outside. Mkibo compressed the wound with an ice pack. Ripping off Sara's shirt tails, she exposed the wound and pushed its edges together. Then with the help of alcohol, an antiseptic ointment and gauzes, she tried to apply as sterile a dressing as possible. But they both didn't have to be geniuses to figure out that this makeshift arrangement won't help Sara for long. The doctor only hoped that she didn't have to perform an emergency bullet extraction out here in the desert.
"Damn, we are losing her." She muttered, placing two fingers where the carotid artery met the skin.
Catherine tightened her grip on Sara's fingers. "No, no."
"Catherine…"
"Nothing will happen to her… she's strong… so very strong."
Mkibo licked her parched lips. If the situation hadn't been so tensed, she would have been impressed by the tenderness displayed in front of her. It was hard to define the look on Catherine's face. It levitated somewhere between tearful joy and fierce panic. She was almost afraid to break the spell and her own eyes began to mist over.
Catherine, for her part, was still trying to grasp the fact that Sara was lying in her arms, bloodied and unconscious. She had summoned enough clarity of mind to dial 911. But the sight in front of her was slowly tearing her apart. Something inside her chest was suffocating her and she found herself unable to breathe. She just held on to Sara, as if doing so will keep them both fine.
Half-entering a world inhabited by memories, a tune danced on her tongue. She hummed under her breath, not caring for the words, not minding the hiccupping off-notes. She began rocking herself slightly as her voice got strong and the flashbacks stronger. The lyrics poured forth from her lips like smooth silk as she embraced Sara closer to her bosom.
"I want to love forever
To keep our world together
And be the best that I can be
Baby, every time the world caves in on me"
---
Catherine walked through the maze of corridors and labs that comprised the Las Vegas Crime Lab. She had just wrapped - Santa-illustrated gift paper with satin ribbons - a cold case. They got enough evidence to nail the wife, a high-profile defense attorney and social darling, and the DA was going to love it. It was the day before Christmas and she couldn't be more relieved of having that load off her shoulders. She walked towards the locker room and was pleased to find Sara shrugging into her coat. There had been something she wanted to discuss with her girlfriend, but never got the chance.
"Hey" She greeted.
"Hi Cath." Sara smiled back. "That was one long day. Glad it's over."
"Since you are complaining, that must have been a really long day." Catherine warmly said. "So, you ready for tonight's Christmas Ball?"
"Ah, actually, no." The brunette grinned, but Catherine knew she was somewhat serious. Sara hated social functions like the Christmas party the LVPD organized every year. If she was honest with herself, she had to admit that some of them were rather exhausting. An entire evening is spent in smiling politely at the higher echelons of the police force. Small talk and camera-posing dominate the environment. Even she, who normally finds it effortless to be charming and talk shop, starts fiddling for excuses to leave early.
"Well, we can change that." Catherine stroked the dark hair.
"Hmm, what's that brain of yours conspiring?" Sara gave her a mock frown.
"I was thinking, babe… you know, now that everyone knows about us…"
"Not everyone." Sara cut in gently.
"Yes, but most. At least, our close friends."
"Yeah."
"So, I was thinking that maybe… we could… like, not keep it a secret anymore."
"Huh?"
Catherine took in a deep breath. She was going to step on slippery stones and she wanted to proceed carefully. "Sara, I was wondering if we could go to the party together."
Sara gaped at her for a few seconds before turning away. "You mean, as in a couple?"
"Well, that could be left for people to interpret. But basically yes."
Catherine felt her heartbeats race as Sara didn't immediately respond. She saw a scowl mar those pretty features and began to get anxious. She quickly added, "If it's what you want, of course."
"Cath, I dunno… I…"
She waited for Sara to say more, but she didn't. There was only a lost expression on the woman's face. She finally realized that Sara wasn't okay with her suggestion.
"Sara, it's okay, you don't have to say anything. I understand."
Sara opened and closed her mouth several times but eventually remained speechless. Sort of embarrassed and a little disappointed, Catherine couldn't stand there any longer. She muttered something about seeing her later and rushed out of the room.
(Later that evening)
She gently snapped the pearl earrings onto her ears. Catherine examined herself in the mirror but was too distracted to notice her near-perfect elegance. She was still thinking about the day's events. They hadn't spoken about it ever since the brunette came home. She understood why her lover was so reluctant to come out to everyone in the Lab. But it didn't make the hurt any less. She wanted to announce her happiness to the world and being forced into secrecy took away some of the beauty from their relationship. It gave her the impression that they were doing something wrong, something shameful.
She didn't want to offend Sara, or hurt herself further, so she avoided talking to her.
She was just about to grab her handbag when she noticed Sara standing by the doorway. Her breath almost caught in her throat when she saw the figure-hugging bodice in midnight blue clinging to the woman's slender curves. She had to make an effort to calm herself and find her voice.
"Yeah?"
"Cath, about earlier…" Sara began. She looked so forlorn that Catherine immediately forgot any of her littlest resentments.
"Sara, I told you, it is fine. It was stupid of me to suggest something like that. I know you need your time and I won't pressurize you."
"I don't want you to think that I'm not proud of our relationship, cause I am." She uttered, waving her hands for emphasis. "I'm proud of you and I wouldn't mind telling people about us. It's just that…" She wrung her fingers nervously. "I sound so silly and shallow, but you know how close-minded Nevada is. I don't want to give Ecklie a reason to ruin yours or my career. Not that us, this thing between us, isn't as important. But…"
"No, you are right." Catherine went up to her. "Anyway, the people who matter to us, they know. Who cares about the rest?"
"So, you are not mad at me?"
"No!" She shook her blonde head, laughing softly. "I'm not mad at you."
"You know, we could still go together… if you want…"
Catherine caressed her cheeks. "No, Sara. I want you to be comfortable with everything, first. Our relationship is important to me and I want it to grow on the foundation of trust and understanding. Forcing you into anything will ruin that."
Sara moved to embrace her. She reveled in the aroma of freshly showered soap mixed with the heady scent from the brunette's own body. She loved how Sara touched her ever so delicately and yet caused the strongest of tingles down her spine. She felt gentle kisses on her hair and smiled. Who cares what people think or know? Sara was here, with her, and that made her happier than she could desire.
(Few hours later)
Catherine swirled the Chardonnay in her glass and took a sip of it. The ballroom was saturated with animated chatter and a live band playing out melodious jazz. She had gone through the routine "Hello, how are you" with the who's-who present there. Grissom, in his predictable way, had kept a reserved distance from everyone. He spoke only when absolutely necessary and right then he seemed more engrossed in a flower arrangement at the far corner of the hall. Nick had already found himself a ravishing ash-blonde to try his chivalry upon. Warrick would have generally been veering towards that same direction during his bachelor days. But right then, he was serving as a guide for Greg. Being recently promoted to Level 2, Greg had received his first invitation to the Department's Christmas Ball. Catherine noticed his bashful discomfort in the crowds of supercilious strangers and was glad to know that Warrick was there to support him. Doc Robbins was probably snuck onto a comfy couch, having scholarly discussions with the men and women of his age and wisdom. Brass was the only one standing beside her. His presence was a comforting security against Ecklie's resolute advances that had begun early in the night. The brash Captain worked where her constant rejection didn't.
She hadn't seen Sara for a while and wondered where she was.
Suddenly the overhead lights dimmed. A thick quietude hung over the air along with the various scented fragrances wafting around the men and women that night. The band had stopped playing and Catherine saw the lead pianist walk up to the center of the stage. She noticed a frown deepen the wrinkles on the Sheriff's forehead and guessed that this upcoming performance hadn't exactly been part of the evening's schedule. This made her anticipate whatever was coming up with even more eagerness.
"To the honorable ladies and gentlemen present tonight." The man, distinguished-looking with long, artistic fingers, bowed. "There is someone who pleases to grace this celebration with her voice. As I have had the privilege to hear a brief sample of it, I can joyfully say that it is of good caliber. But more than anything, she is someone amongst you and wishes to enhance the glory of this night. I will say no more… and make way for her."
"Someone among us?" Brass lifted his eyebrows. "Since when did the LDVP start music lessons?"
Catherine noted Greg and Nick approach her, but with the lights dimming further, she didn't pay much attention to that. A guitar began stringing in the background. The tune had a distinct 80'ish twang.
"I've had a lot of big dreams
I've made a lot of bad moves"
Just as Catherine found herself recognizing the voice, the spotlight focused on a figure entering the stage through the side curtains. It was almost like a phantasm appearing in front of her. Deep blue, the color of a dark nightfall, glittered under the light. The beauty of the svelte dress was made superior by the tuft of hair falling upon the bare shoulders. Chocolate brown seemed to blend into the creamy richness of the flesh. Eyes filled with pools of warm wine held the audience captive, but they were solely fixed upon her.
"I know you could walk away
But you never do"
"What. Is. Sara doing?" Warrick's voice was laced with the same incredulity that perforated the entire room. Sara Sidle, the quiet and often touchy Sara Sidle, was an enigma to many. Few could boast of having had a proper conversation with her, let alone hear her sing.
"Well, she always did have a beautiful voice." Nick whispered admirably.
"I've met a lot of cold hearts
I've learned to smile and deceive
I know I'm hard to be around
But you never leave"
Catherine didn't know what kept her more entranced – the sight of Sara dazzling with an inner splendor or her voice that could rival the hypnotism of ancient sirens. She knew about her lover's singing abilities, but even after several months of dating, she had almost never been esteemed with a performance. Only Lindsay seemed to have had and she never stopped gushing about it. Catherine now understood what had made her daughter a fan.
"I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand"
And then it struck her. Sara was singing to her. There was more than just the rapturous concentration common on a singer's face. She was looking at her, speaking to her, sending her a message.
"And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am"
"Ahem, Catherine?" Greg was trying hard not to grin. "Methinks those words are for you."
"I think you guys need to get some tips. What say, Nicky boy?" Brass chuckled.
"You've obviously never heard Nick sing." Warrick teased.
"Ha ha, very funny." Nick feigned a hurt expression.
"I've made a lot of heartaches
I've found a lot of closed doors
When all the others turn away
You love me more
You love me more"
Sara stopped singing. The stillness was so complete that Catherine doubted anyone dared shatter it with a breath. Her own system seemed to be in absolute chaos, as she couldn't tear her gaze away from the stage.
Sara came closer to the mike. "This is one of those songs I remember listening to as a young girl. I still remember how deep the words seemed, even then, even when I didn't know the meaning of love or its essence. And so many years later, the feeling evoked is still fresh. Perhaps even more so, now that I understand what the singer must have gone through."
She paused, looking around. "Today, for a few moments, I thought I lost someone. And that thought terrified me. The thing is, if I would have lost her, it would have been my fault. Feeling for someone, wanting to share your life with someone, knowing that someone makes you so happy, believing that someone cherishes you for who you are, is a wonderful experience. And it's an experience I would wish upon everyone. I thought I was afraid of what the world would think of my feelings. But now, I know that I'm not afraid. Because being scared means I have done something wrong. And this doesn't feel anything but right."
Catherine's heart was thudding so loud in her ribcage that she was sure everyone could hear it. As it was, everyone appeared mesmerized by Sara's presence and seemed oblivious to anything but the raw emotions spilling out from her lips.
"I want to dedicate this song to that someone who has brought an entirely new meaning to my life." Sara gave a brilliant smile. "Catherine Willows, I dedicate this song to you."
Jaws dropping all the way to the center of the earth must have definitely caused those thumping sounds. The Sheriff's pupils moved back and forth between Sara and Catherine, like in a tennis match. His wife scrunched up her nose in disgust. Ecklie recovered from his shock quick enough to send a spiteful glance her way. The Director of the Crime Lab grunted and asked for more wine. There were some who murmured "Aw, how cute". Some even merrily sang along. She saw Grissom purse his lips in amusement, obviously enjoying how the evening took an unexpected turn. His rock-steady gaze told, though, that he will be there for her and Sara if they needed him.
If there was anything Catherine couldn't imagine doing, it would have been loving Sara more. But right then, she did. She knew how difficult it is for the brunette to talk about her feelings, forget announcing it. But she still did it, and all for her. No one - not her initially gallant Eddie, not the filthy rich men she had dated, not even her jocky prom date - had ever declared their affection for her publicly. For a time, she had almost begun to believe that she was an embarrassment to the people she went out with. But Sara had overcome all barriers of her own inhibitions and gifted her with more than words. This was the most romantic thing she could ever imagine and for that she was deeply touched.
"I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am"
---
"Catherine? Catherine, the paramedics are here." Mkibo shook her gently.
As if from a great distance, she could hear the buzzer from the EMS vans. She even registered the procedural talk of the technicians and the police. Officers came beside her and tried to pry her away. But her hands seemed to have a will of its own and held on fast to Sara.
"Catherine, let her go."
She looked up into those flint-grey eyes she recognized so well. Grissom was leaning towards her, his fingers tenderly covering her own.
"She needs to get to a hospital, Cath. Let her go."
Maybe it was his soft voice or maybe it was the content of his words, but she finally let him move her away. The paramedics immediately circled around the injured Sara and loaded her atop the gurney. She collapsed against him, spent of any energy. She heard him direct some of the EMTs to check up on her. She even saw some of the officers making their way towards the drugged form of Rocky.
Sofia handed Mkibo a bottle of water and was listening to her shaky narration. She efficiently did her duty, but she couldn't help straying her eyes towards Catherine. It had taken her several minutes, during which she rechecked the 911 call and spoke to the blonde personally, for her to believe that Catherine was indeed on the other line.
Grissom was hugging her and Catherine would have been thankful for his comfort if her heart and soul weren't being wheeled along with the paramedics. She watched until Sara disappeared inside the van. Through a cracked voice, she sang a heartfelt tune.
"And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am"
A/N - Though, song fics have never been my expertise, I wanted to explore Sara's "singing side". Also, after the insane suspense of the last few chapters, I figured we all needed a break. Won't be updating in another few days (I know you hate that sentence, me too). Thanks for all the reading and reviewing so far. Please keep them up until the last :)
