Chapter Thirty Six
Sara tried to hold her breath as she walked across the narrow street. The stench of freshly butchered meat and the simultaneous roasting of them brought bile to the base of her throat.
An Asian woman grabbed her hand and pointed towards her wooden rack of steamed dumplings. "Very fresh. Tasty." She said. "I give you four for a dollar."
Sara smiled and shook her head.
"Okay, five then. I give one more, for good luck."
Sara politely extricated herself. "Thanks, but no."
To avoid the eager grasp of some other vendor, Sara tried to stay as far from the sidewalk as possible. It was hard task to shoulder herself through the crowds. This wasn't even the main Chinatown. Her vegetarian lifestyle had kept her from seeing one.
She found her building at a far corner, away from the noise and bustle. She glanced around and unconsciously her fingers strayed to her hip, only to find nothing there. She couldn't bring along her gun.
Taking a deep breath, she entered the building that looked as if it was going to crumble any moment. For its dilapidated look, Sara found the walls and stairs strangely sturdy. It was old architecture, built for the purpose of housing generations and generations of the same family. The place was deserted. Not even a rat scuttled around. She didn't know whether she should announce her presence. Once again she felt the absence of a weapon strongly.
After making sure there was no one on the ground floor, she boarded the stairs. The building may have the appearance of a ruined fort, but it was kept surprisingly clean and had none of the sooty cobwebs she expected to see. The second floor was empty as well. She continued to climb and check. She was half out of breath by the time she reached the seventh floor.
Puccini caught her ears.
The floor was open into one wide space, undivided into rooms. A divan dominated one wall while the other three housed fully, but neatly, stacked shelves. The music came from an antiquated gramophone. The room was a strange combination of darkness and light. She could see parts of the bed and the record player, along with a wall clock and a pen stand, clearly. But the rest was obscured pitch black.
"So, you found me."
Sara jumped at the voice. She squinted into the darkness, trying to make out a figure in them. "Sean?"
"I said to myself that the day you find this place is the day you deserve to know the truth."
"Sean, where are you?"
"You didn't give up. You didn't let some snooty fed intimidate you. But then you are a Sidle. We Sidles never rest until our vengeance is met."
"Sean, if you give yourself up now, then maybe the DA could consider something."
"I'm your offender. I kidnapped your girlfriend and tried to frame you. You have every right to want to kill me."
"I don't want to kill you." Sara swallowed.
"Oh no, right, you just want to sent me to prison. You want to cage me. You want to destroy me." Sara almost screamed when Sean suddenly appeared in front of her. He was still handsomely groomed and part of his features were a reflection of her own. But there was such a foul coldness to his eyes that she knew she was looking at a stranger.
"People have to give us Sidles credit. Most think revenge ends with death, but we know better, don't we? We know that death is but a fast and almost compassionate way of achieving revenge. We believe in torture. We believe in agony." He smiled. "I know that and I see you know that too."
"I only want justice for all those innocent lives you killed."
"No, that's the CSI talking. I want to know what Sara thinks." Sean leant so close that Sara could feel his breath on her face. "Do you remember a time when we used to be close? We played together. We were always together."
Sara felt herself trapped by his intense gaze. "Yes."
"Did you care about me, Sara?"
"I-I did."
"Yes. I did too." He brought his hand to cup her face. "I cared about you, my little sister."
"Then why?" She whispered.
He gently caressed her cheek. "Because you betrayed our mother, Sara. You betrayed our family. You told the police that you saw her kill Dad."
"But it… it was the truth."
He curled his fingers around the nape of her neck. She could feel the pressure slowly morphing into pain, but she found she couldn't raise a finger to protect herself. She was as if paralyzed by the force of his presence.
"The truth, Sara? The truth is that our father was a mean son-of-a-bitch. He hit us. He hit our mother. He raped her. And you know what? He made me watch it. He made me watch how he violated her because he knew – he knew – how it affected me. He knew how much I loved her. He used to beat her so bad. She had to defend herself."
"Sean…" Sara licked her parched lips. "I was there. I saw everything. It wasn't self defense. She knew what she was doing. She had planned it."
"He knew how happy we were together and that made him mad. He wanted to stop us from being happy. He wanted me to know that she was his to use." Sean didn't appear to have heard her. "She only wanted us to be happy."
"She didn't have to kill him. It didn't have to be that way. She could have gone to the police."
"She is the most beautiful woman I've ever known. But I couldn't help her." His eyes began to mist. "I could only watch, helpless, as he hurt her. But she willed me to be strong. She knew we'd get an opportunity to escape from him someday. She gave me that hope and it was with that hope I endured his every vile deed."
Sara reached up to his face and tried to make him look at her. "You hurt your wife too. Do you remember Carmel and how you abused her?"
Sean fixed her with a long, hard look before turning away abruptly. "There's a chair near you. Sit down."
"No, thanks I'm fine."
"You worry about your reaction time? You think you wouldn't be as effective in defending yourself if you sat?" Sean was mocking.
She didn't reply.
"Sara, if killing you was what I wanted, I would have done it a long time ago."
"Then why didn't you?" She challenged. "Your grudge was with me. You wanted to punish me for… for what you call a betrayal. Why did you kidnap Catherine? Why did you take all those innocent lives? Whatever had they done to you?"
"Oh no, I never wanted to kill you. I wanted you to pay for what you put us through for so many years. I wanted you to feel dearly the anguish of losing someone you loved." His breath came out in quick, shallow bursts, indicating his struggle to contain a very powerful emotion within. "You had never known what separation feels like, Sara. I wanted you to savor that bitter taste. Tell me, Sara, how did you feel when you believed Catherine was dead?"
Sara felt a sharp stab of pain at the memory. She tried to block it away. "You may want to justify what you did, but there are no excuses for your crimes."
"No, no, Sara, talk to me. Share with me your burden." He taunted. "Tell me what was being robbed off Catherine doing to you. Tell me how you felt."
She thought of not answering, but he waited. The silence was overbearing and scoured her patience. She finally murmured shakily, "It-it felt like, like, my world was coming to an end."
"Yes." He hissed. "That's how it feels like. Did you feel despaired? Angry? Guilty? Empty? Sick?"
Sara nodded feebly. "Yes, I did."
Suddenly he appeared full into the light and she flinched at the fury boiling in his dark pupils. "And that was just two weeks! Can you begin to imagine how I must have tolerated, years after years, losing the one I loved more than anything and living with a fat, old guy who used me as his boy whore?"
Her eyes widened. "What? I…"
"Oh, you think Gordon Sidle was bad. You never met Benjamin Hastings." Sean gave a hard smile. "We were his slaves and his toys. He sodomized us in every possible manner. Every night was a living hell. If I wasn't the one in his room, it was someone else and I could hear the screams and the cries for mercy. But there was no mercy. Not from Benny and his friends."
"Why didn't you report it to Social Services?" Sara was horrified.
Sean looked at her as if she was stupid. "Benny wasn't my foster parent, he was my master. He taught me how to survive in this world. He taught me how to shoot and to kill." He waved his hands around. "Here, in this place. Here I shot a person for the first time. Here he taught me the intricacies of the underworld. Here he showed me how the law and the police can be twisted to suit my purposes. It's a strange irony that I killed the asshole with his own gun one day."
Sara shivered at the gleeful expression on his face.
"After I was free from him, I took over his business. It was only then that I went to meet her." He smiled wistfully. "That was a truly blissful moment for me. You should have been there, Sara. It was so beautiful, like two lost souls reuniting. At that instant, nothing else mattered. I had the power and the money and I promised I'd do everything to get her out. I promised her that she wouldn't have to rot in that prison for doing such a noble deed. She deserved to be honored, and I told her I would give her that."
"Sean, she manipulated you. She is not a saint. She could have saved both of us from him by doing the right thing. Instead, she let him victimize us. She killed him because it had gotten too much for her, not because she wanted to protect us." Sara tried desperately to make him see reason.
He laid on her the most hateful look she had ever seen. "She told me how she was so disappointed in you. She told me how you were the one who had turned against her. She cried and cried because you had betrayed her, Sara. You broke her heart. And mine too."
"And that is why you came after me, because she shed a few crocodile tears?" Seeing the fanatic extent her brother had gone to, she felt surges of rage welling up within her. "She played you, like she plays everyone else. I did the right thing, Sean, and I'm proud of it."
"You are an ungrateful wretch." He seethed. "And don't you come spouting self-righteous sermons at me. You are the cause of that explosion. There is no sin greater than forsaking your own flesh and blood. You are the cause of whatever happened to Catherine and those people. And you are the cause of whatever happened to Rachel. You wanted to convert her to your ways. All you care about is spreading your own pathetic ideologies. You deceived her into a relationship and then abandoned her as soon as you found a fresh conquest. You have no right to stand in judgment against me."
Her mouth curved into a sorrowful smile. "You can't make me feel guilty. I have worked with criminals for too long and as depressing as the thought is, you are one of them. Mom never loved either of us. She was weak, Sean. I realized that as she watched while Dad hit me. She never raised a single voice in protest. Not even for you."
She saw his anger rise, but along with it was also something that looked like desperation. Standing against sound reason, his faulty justifications were slowly crumbling. That, more than anything, was devastating him. Sara knew that Sean had driven forward with cruel efficiency only because he actually believed he was right. She had found an opening, a weak spot, in his defense.
"She's the one who told me where to find you."
"You think I'd believe that?" He rasped.
"Consider this for yourself. Who knew about this place but her? Who could have told me about it but her?"
"I don't fucking believe you!"
"She made a deal with me, but that's not important." Sara tentatively reached out and touched his arm. "What's important is that she doesn't care for you, not like you think."
"These are all lies. You are a lying bitch!"
"She fed you with her own recipes for revenge for who knows how long. She turned you into a monster. The brother I knew - the brother who played with me and always protected me no matter what - wasn't a monster. He was a good boy. He was the kind of guy who brought an injured puppy home."
"Shut up!" He covered his ears with his hands.
"Do you remember, Sean, how you once stood up against those guys bullying me at school? At that moment, I took your hand and was so proud to know you were my brother. You weren't as big as them, but you had the courage to oppose them when no one did. That was the brother I knew. Not this, not who I'm seeing now."
"Shut up or I'll fucking shoot you!" He wailed.
"You once said we'd always look out for each other. We promised each other. That is why I'm here today. Let me take you back with me, Sean, and we can work something out."
Despite knowing what he had done, despite remembering all the burnt bodies at La Boulevard, despite the anguish she had suffered, Sara's heart went out to him. At that moment, she saw what he had been and she truly believed that there was still that part of him hidden somewhere inside.
"No, I can't. I can't." With trembling hands, he took out a standard revolver. "You are lying. She didn't tell you about this place. She wouldn't do that to me. She loves me."
"Sean, she doesn't love anyone. She doesn't care what happens to you. Don't throw your life away for her." Sara was afraid he might shoot, but she also couldn't stop herself from approaching him. That instant, he looked more vulnerable than anything.
"No, no, this is not right. Oh God, please, this isn't happening. I did everything for her. I gave her my whole life. I loved her so much. Tell me she didn't do this." Sean's whole body shuddered from his sobs.
Suddenly, they heard sirens. He looked at the single window near the roof and then at Sara. "You called the police."
She extended her hand in an inviting gesture. "Let them take you. I'll talk to the DA. I'll talk to everyone. Sean, just let me help you, okay? Please, bro?"
His fingers tightened around the gun until his knuckles were white. Sara felt her own gut contracting. She tried again. "It's me. Trust your little sister, please?"
"You want me to stand trial?"
"It's going to be alright. We could try and find a way, together." Sara didn't know, and didn't care, whether she would be able to deliver her promise. Right then, she only wanted to save her brother.
"I have never lived my life on anyone's terms." The anxiety and sorrow was gone from his face. He now only held a somber expression. "And I'm sure as hell not going to start now."
"This is the San Francisco Police, drop your weapon and put your hands on your head." They heard an officer command.
"Sean, please, listen to me. We can do this together!"
"This is not right." He muttered grimly. "It wasn't supposed to happen this way."
"Bro, I can help you." Sara pleaded.
"Ma'am, I advise you to step back." A reed-thin female voice instructed.
"He is my brother."
Sean held the gun pointing towards Sara. "It's supposed to feel good. I've waited so long for this moment. It's supposed to feel good. Not like this, not like this."
"Sir, drop your weapon, now!"
Sean's eyes fluttered, with unshed tears or with specks of delusions, Sara didn't know. "I loved her." He said quietly. "Why did she do this?"
"Sean, don't let her win. Please don't let her overpower you. This is your life and only yours. Do the right thing this time!" It was only when she felt wetness trickle down her neck that Sara realized she had started to cry.
"Ma'am, this is not a request. We ask you to take a step away!"
"No, please, don't hurt him." She screamed.
"I'll count to three, sir, for you to throw your weapon. One…"
"She betrayed me. You betrayed me." Sean glared at her. "Why should I trust you?"
"God, Sean, don't do this!"
"Two…"
"Put the gun aside, Sean, please!" Sara yelled at the top of her lungs, hoping that if not the words then the sound will penetrate through to her brother.
"She didn't love me. She didn't love me? How could she not love me?" He whimpered like a lost child. "All I ever wanted was for her to love me and be proud of me. I did everything for her. How could she not love me?"
"Three!"
"No!"
Gunshots, several of them, blasted in firing. Amidst screams from all sides, Sara found herself being pushed to the ground by a strong arm. She saw blood spatter and wood splinters flying. She saw her brother continue to stare at her and whisper words that sounded like "Goodbye, little sis." But she couldn't be sure. She tried to crawl out of the grasp that held her tight, but she couldn't. All she could do was wiggle her hands helplessly on the rotting hardwood as her brother fell.
I'm aware that there are things in this chapter that might not appeal to everyone. It might even make a lot of you hate it. I just want to say that a lot of stuff out here, especially concerning Sean , is open-ended. You can interpret it however you want. Of course, I would love feedbacks on it ;)
There are two more chapters and that will be the end of this looooong series. Thank you to all who read it! You are my sweet inspiration :)
