Revolution 3: Ghost in the Rain

One more day. One last day, with the man I love. Even if he can't hear or see me right now.

Tomorrow, he goes under the knife. And...the odds are this will be his last day on this earth. It's been two weeks since I stepped down from command, at Nunnally's insistence.

I slump in the chair next to his bedside, the medical wing where he's resting, the room emptied of all other personnel for the night. The doors are locked to anyone who doesn't have the proper access, the only light from dim LED bulbs, and the moonlight filtering in from a skylight.

"You're a rotten husband, you know. What kind of a man makes his wife sit by his bedside fretting about him for months, not knowing if he'll live or die?" I scoff at him, crossing my arms.

Tche. Of course he doesn't answer. Lazy no good layabout. Oh sure, promise me the world, promise an impossible dream, and then get your silly ass knocked into a coma, clinging to life by a thread..

Hm? I blink as I wipe my eyes, a bit of moisture on my fingertips. Heh, sand. It gets into everything. Even a medical wing it has no business being in.

...God damn you, Lelouch vi Britannia. God damn your worthless skinny pretty boy devil may care reckless stupid..I sigh as I palm my face.

"Proof positive that I've hit my wit's end," I say, laughing morosely.

"Hahahah, I'm talking to someone who shouldn't even be alive, and expecting edifying conversation."

I miss it. That spark of madness, that combative edge where we would grate on each other. Reminding each other that no matter how much we drive other people crazy, that we're two of a kind.

"You're here again, before my eyes.." I start singing as I hold his cheek.

Not my usual repertoire, but I'm feeling generous, so be grateful, asshole. I'm singing your garbage heavy metal for once.

"A ghost within a dream, things that you do and say," my voice rings out as I lightly smack the side of his face, some part of me praying for a reaction. And of course, disappointed when nothing happens.

Because of course he couldn't be that conscientious to give me a sign of any kind.

"Just kill me every time, Is this how, how it will stay."

A trash person to the last. A man who never fails to disappoint. Just like every other person in my life, you're not here when I need you.

"By the river I walk and wander on, I'm a warrior on a journey home," I whisper as my skin shimmers in the moonlight illuminating the room.

You almost died, because you just had to be on the front lines. You just had to challenge the Siegfried and Cornelia yourself. You just had to try your stupid dive bomb maneuver and risk yourself, rather than let me, your immortal and undying wife, take the brunt of whatever happened.

Tell me, Lulu. Was it worth it?

"Will you show me the way to you once more, Always yours, ghost in the rain."

Was this mad quest of yours truly worth the heartache, the misery, the pain you're inflicting on yourself and those around you? If you did win, would you look back with regret and horror at what you did to claim your throne, like you did the last time you won the world?

"I wish I could undo my grave mistake, And say the words unsaid."

You told me yourself of the horrors you committed to change the world. If it came down to it, could you do that again? Could you truly walk the path of carnage, the way of the Ashura again?

"Obsession grows like flames, Time only makes it worse."

Time. Heh. A meaningless concept to an immortal. A day the same as any other. What is a hundred years to one for whom time has frozen?

"It hurts, yet I'll be strong," my voice rings out, echoing in the empty room as I twirl slowly around the room, eyes closed as I reminisce over things long past.

No, that's a lie. The things I'm thinking of aren't so long ago. Only….8 months or so. Back in the ruined district of Shinjuku. When I first met you.

"By the river I walk and wander on, I'm a warrior dreaming of lost love."

Love. What a joke. I'm old, bitter, petty, jealous, vengeful, depraved, a bloodthirsty madwoman. What man or woman in their right mind would want me?

"Will you open the door to me once more, Always yours, ghost in the rain," my singing suffers a bit towards the end of that lyric as my breath catches.

That's right, you stupid bitch. He wanted you. He knew all of your wicked, wicked ways and deeds. And he didn't care.

"The wind will bring a gentle storm, Under the pale full moon."

None of it mattered to him. And how have you repaid him?

"Facing my destiny, A never-ending story! Survivor is coming home!"

You've let the army he build by sheer force of personality and will crumble to pieces, just like your resolve.

My fists clench as my own doubts and self-loathing crystalize in the form of my former self...the woman I used to be. Clad in armor, her hair in a bun, eyes burning with madness, a cruel falchion soaked in blood in her hand, devilish smile on her lips. Slayer of the Witch of Orleans. The Scourge of Europia. The Breaker of the Papal Crown. The Witch of Britannia.

"By the river I walk and wander on. I'm a warrior on a journey home."

…...Ha. Hahhahaha. Of course. How could I have been so foolish? I twirl over to where he lies on a bed, heart monitor beeping as I place my hand on his cheek, drawing out a blade from my side.

"Will you show me the way to you once more... Always yours, ghost in the rain.."

The blade spins between my fingers before coming to a stop at my throat, a trickle of blood escaping from the point piercing the skin.

"By the river I walk and wander on. I'm a warrior dreaming of lost love."

It would be all too easy. A flick of the wrist. A single action, even a few inches. I would bleed out in minutes, if not sooner. And...I would have peace, if only for a moment. Silence. No more pain. No more sorrow. No more heartache.

"Will you open the door to me once more? Always yours, ghost in the rain. In the raaaaaaaaain..."

…...So why?

Why can't I do it? Why can't I silence my cold and capricious heart once more!? Why does he matter so much?!

Why can't I let go?

"...You did this to me. I was cold. Unfeeling. Cruel and haughty. But then I met you. You, with your arrogance, your madness, your devil may care smile and endless capacity to...to…"

The haughty and condescending tone I was adopting while talking down to his silent form shatters as my lip quivers and the blade falls to the ground, clattering as I embrace him, arms shaking and shoulders shaking as the tears fall.

"God damn you! God damn you and your worthless whore mother, Lelouch vi Britannia!"

You may not survive tomorrow, you may not wake up from this coma, you may not be the man you were before it, killing you right now might even be a mercy….

My hand shakily picks up the dagger, raising up above his heart, poised to strike, to end his misery and suffering…, and just as quickly do I throw it aside, picking up his hand as I bite my lip.

I can't lie about it anymore. I don't just love him. I need him. I...I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone in my entire lifetime. Not Jean, not Henry, not Nobu-kun, not Carolus, not even Mari. All the husbands, wives, lovers and companions I've had and lost across this miserable cursed life and yet…

"Only you. You're the one. The one who can grant my true wish. The only one who could see it. The only one who loved me enough to give me your heart, your crown...and...a family."

If you were awake right now, you'd laugh at me, kiss me, and then say you knew I wouldn't do it. You..you're my other half. The one who completes me. You give my life meaning. I can't do it..not again. I can't lose you too. If you leave me, then I..I'll have nothing.

"妈妈?" (Mama?)

Blinking in surprise, I turn around to see my son, looking tense and worried as he rubs his shoulder with one hand, eyes looking down.

"I did some thinking. Maybe I'm being dumb. But…"

He gulps and looks over at Lulu's form, "You love him, right?"

My head tilts as I try to see what he's thinking of.

"I was thinking...if he...if he doesn't...you know...then.., maybe I could...take your Code. That way, at least you'd be together, right?"

…..What?

He smiles faintly, eyes tearing up as his voice breaks, "I know I was bad. And you worry a lot. But... I'll be ok. There are people who I can stay with, they'll take care of me. So don't worry about me. You've been through a lot, the least I can do is be a good boy and take of my mama-"

In an instant, before he can finish, my arms are wrapped around him, silencing whatever he was about to say as my composure shatters, violent sobbing overtaking me, whispered apologies in Britannian, Japanese and Chinese babbling from my lips.

Oh god….oh god...what have I done? What have I done to my child?!

He thinks he's so terrible that he's willing to take this curse from me, just so I can be together with Lelouch in death?! That I would be happier letting him suffer like that, knowing he would have to kill me?!

"对不起!我很抱歉!请原谅你一文不值的母亲!" (I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please forgive your worthless mother!)

He looks down at me, his eyes confused and perhaps frightened at my frantic demeanor.

"妈妈?怎么了?我只是想成为一个好男孩,让你开心。" (Mama? What's wrong? I just want to be a good boy and make you happy…)

OH GOD!

Hearing those words from his lips just makes me hold him tighter, praying to whatever gods above that I can make up for this horrific sin of what I've done to him.

"CC?! What's wrong?!"

Nunnally makes her way over to me, cane striking the ground as I reach my arm out and hold her in my arms.

"Ouf! Mao! What's going on?! Why is she so upset?!"

"I don't know! I said I wanted to be a good boy and make her happy by taking her Code so she could be with Lelouch if he didn't…"

My finger presses on his lips as I look up at him, biting my lip, makeup running on my face as I shake my head frantically.

"Don't you EVER say that again! Never! I've never hated you or thought you were a bad boy! You're my son! Do you think I would be happy knowing that I forced this evil thing on you?!"

Nunnally can only look on in utter horror at Mao's lack of comprehension at why this would terrify me.

He knows how much my curse hurts me. And how much I wished to be free of it. And he thinks I'd be happier if I died with Lelouch if he passed away, and that it would be fine for him to suffer the curse of Code.

Because he's a bad boy. And he wants to be a good boy to make his mama happy. And I.., I'm the one who did this. I'm the one who did this to him.

Lelouch...you were right. You were right to hit me. You should have beaten every bit of sense out of my empty and stupid head for what I did. I deserve to suffer the death of a thousand cuts, to be boiled alive like you did to Sawazak!

I've let myself fall into this dark and evil place, and all the while my son was suffering in silence, thinking he wasn't good enough, that I didn't care!

"毛,您可不想考虑这样做呢!" (Don't you ever think about doing that, Mao!)

"但是妈妈,我-" (But Mama, I-)

I shake him by the shoulders, screaming at his face full force.

"NO! PROMISE ME! PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DO IT!"

Mao gulps, nodding frantically.

I kiss both his cheeks, holding him to my chest as I sob, "You're a good boy, Mao! A good boy! Mama loves you! So please! Please don't leave me!"

Nunnally's arms wrap around me from the side, her tears staining my pantsuit as Mao holds on tightly, his silent crying joining in the chorus.

Too long have I wallowed in sorrow and depression. Too long have I abdicated my responsibilities.

"CC..are you alright?"

A shake of my head answers Nunnally as my right hand strokes her hair, holding her close.

"No. But...I can't sit down crying forever. I have to believe. I have to try, for your brother, and for everyone else." I whisper as I kiss her forehead gently. Because you've done the impossible once already, what is one more time?

So I'll take a page out of your book. I'll do what you would do in this situation. To believe in an impossible dream, and to make the dream come true.

It's the day of the surgery. We won't know how he's doing for a while after. It might prove too much for him to endure. He might have permanent damage. But I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that something like this will stop him.

Hang on, Lulu. Hang on, and come back to me.

Eyes turn as I walk through the hangar, towards the meeting room, a feeling permeating the base as they behold the sight before their eyes.

"Like a ghost in the rain I call your name…," my voice rings out, echoing in the acoustics, causing those who had not seen me to take note.

I'd apologize to all of them, but at this point? Getting back to work and doing what I should have done, will speak louder than any platitudes of forgiveness. And the sight of being up and about, striding confidently through the corridors, will do wonders for morale once the rumor mill gets started.

計画どおり、夫よ? (Just as planned, right, husband?)

Outside the door to the meeting room, Chiba is standing guard. And looking none too pleased to see me. It's easy to see why Lulu doesn't like her. She has a perpetually dour look typical of snooty military women. Usually the ones who need to get the stick pulled out of their ass.

"What do you want? I thought you were supposed to be on recovery leave."

A smile coyly emerges on my lips, one that many would swear looks rather...familiar. Seems I took a page out of your book, honey.

"Yes, I was. I decided to woman up after letting my feelings out. You should try it," I whisper to her with a wink.

Oh ho ho ho. Now there's a look that could kill. One would think she'd know better at this point.

"Chiba," I say as I push her aside with more strength than she was expecting, forcing her out of the way as I take a deep breath.

"Get out of my way."

And with that declaration, I rear back and kick open the door to the meeting hall, startling everyone.

The only sound heard in the pin drop silent room, is the clicking of my high heeled thigh high white boots, and the swishing of my dress tails.

Clearly, my attire has them struck dumb. And why shouldn't it? They've never seen this outfit before.

It's something I found in Lulu's drawers, an unfinished project of his. He clearly intended to give it to me as a gift…

Well, I may not be a master tailor like him, but I had enough skill as a seamstress to finish the last of the stitching on this dress I'm now wearing.

Black and gold threads lining around the high collar. Detached sleeves on my forearms with gold edging and a buckle around my bicep to secure it. Silver thread depicting the emblazoned design of our symbol upon my breast, tapering off to 4 tails around my legs, the interior lined with red cloth. Three red belts hanging tied at an angle around my hips to complete the look.

Oh. Of course. One can't forget the one thing that brings it all together.

The sight of my face smiling, eyes gleaming with mischief, and just a hint of hope.

"Hello boys and girls. Did you miss me?" I proclaim as I kick the door behind me closed, no doubt in Chiba's face.

Nunnally pulls off her mask, looking at me in shock.

"CC, you're better-?"

Rather than answering, I strut over, ruffling her hair as I kiss her on the forehead.

"Not as much as I'd like. But I decided to hope for the best and believe. Thank you for holding things together, little angel."

Aww, she's blushing.

Turning around, I cough to clear my throat before addressing everyone.

"My apologies for the leave of absence. I'm here to resume my position as commander in my husband's absence."

Is it inadequate? Oh absolutely. But as I said, getting some good work done will do more to help than any mea culpa.

Tohdoh gives me a sharp look, crossing his arms.

"Are you certain?"

There's of course only one answer to give to that.

"I've wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself and moping. You can thank my son and Nunnally for helping me to see what's important. There are things I can do to help, and it's what Lelouch would want me to do."

His eyes meet mine, a wordless conversation passing between us, two warriors and veterans of the field of war, before his expression softens and he nods, a faint smile on his lips.

"Then, welcome back, your majesty."

"Glad to be back, Kyoshiro."

The Bitch Tornado is back. And she's got work to do.