Summary:
Joshua Graham has to contend with his past demons that continue to haunt him, much to the concern of his loved ones around him. But the truth he needs to hear to claw his way out of the darkness comes from an unexpected source.
Notes:
Joshua needs some love! If you like Joshua Graham's character, like I do, you might appreciate the slow burn that's been culminating to this point. I really hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed bringing a little happiness to this character.
Since the evening of the town feast in honour of his recovery, Joshua found it almost impossible to get Mary out of his thoughts. They had spent the evening immersed in each other, telling stories of their lives and experiences, and Joshua even found out that Mary had a sense of humour that brought tears to his eyes and made his belly ache with laughter. She made him forget about the dull pain that clung to him every day and whenever he was around her, he was walking on cloud nine. He found himself reliving the memories from that night, grinning like a fool when there was no one around to see him. Despite knowing his past and his appearance, she wasn't afraid of him; in fact she embraced every aspect of him, the good and the ugly. It made him wonder whether he had somehow died and gone to heaven without knowing it.
"Well good morning, Joshua", Dawn walked through the living room, spotting the wide grin that he tried to hide on his face, "I didn't expect to see you here".
"What do you mean?"
Dawn grinned knowingly, "I had thought that you would be at Mary's cabin today".
"And what made you think that?", he asked suspiciously.
"Well, you two seemed to really hit it off at the party", Dawn sat next to him on the couch, happiness exuding from her features, "And that kiss she planted on your cheek? Oh! She is so fond of you! You should go see her today".
Joshua shook his head, feeling that familiar pang of guilt creeping in, "No Dawn, it wouldn't be proper. Besides, we have the sacrament meeting this morning. I hear Elder Clade is going to give an enlightening talk".
"I know you are eager to get back to prayer with the community, but you are still healing. No one will think less of you if you skip this one, Joshua", Dawn insisted.
"I know what you're trying to do Dawn, and it's not going to work", Joshua sighed.
"And just what am I trying to do?" Dawn sat up straight and placed a hand on her hip, her brow furrowed in exasperation, "Why are you playing hard to get?"
"I'm not!" Joshua's voice rose. He winced at his own explosive reaction and bit his lower lip, knowing that his aunt didn't deserve his tone, "I'm notplaying hard to get. I will admit… I had fun that night".
Dawn's left brow rose, as if calling him out to be honest with her.
"Alright, I had a lot of fun. But that's beside the point".
"Then what is the point?"
"I don't deserve it", Joshua shook his head, meeting Dawn's gaze, "Any of it. I am… not the person I was when you last saw me. I have become cruel, harsh… I've killed and enslaved people, innocent people, just like Mary".
The crease in Dawn's brow softened as Joshua explained his stance. Although she could never know how he really felt, she understood why he was in this mindset. "I'm sorry for pushing you", she folded her hands in her lap, a regretful expression in her eyes, "I just saw how happy you were and, you can call me a sentimental old woman all you want, but… I want that kind of life for you. I want you to have a loving family, a loving wife, children".
"I already have a loving family", Joshua smiled at her, taking her weathered hand in his.
"My darling, I'm an old woman", she smiled at him, "I won't be around forever. And nothing can compare to the love you will feel when you take a wife and have children one day".
"That is for the young", Joshua sighed, "I'm 51 years old and past my prime. No woman should have to suffer getting entrapped by a man my age, let alone a man like me".
"Nonsense, age is no barrier! William and I married in our forties and I had Ashley shortly after I turned 46", Dawn stood up, straightening her good Sunday dress, "One day I hope you change your mind because although you don't believe it now, you do deserve every good thing that comes your way my dear. Trust your aunt Dawn, hmm?" she held out her hand for Joshua.
With a reserved grin on his lips, Joshua took her hand and stood up, following her out of the house and down the street to the meetinghouse. It was another beautifully sunny day outside and Joshua saw others dressed in their Sunday best making their way to prayer. They all greeted him and his aunt with warm smiles and small talk, something he would have to get used to again. Just as they were rounding the corner to the meetinghouse, Dawn tugged at his arm excitedly.
"Oh, I'll be!" she exclaimed, letting go of Joshua and quickly walked off ahead to greet someone up ahead of them. It wasn't until he got a little closer and caught a glimpse of her face when she turned that he realised it was Mary. She wore a straw hat and the same off-white dress from the party that, in the light of the day, made her look as if she was glowing. As soon as he saw her his heart quickened and he felt butterflies in his stomach.
"Joshua, look who has come to attend our Sunday sermon!" Dawn announced, beaming with pride, "If William were here he would have been so pleased".
"I hope this is alright?" Mary asked hesitantly, "I wouldn't want to impose"
"No imposition! We are thrilled to have you join us!" Dawn waved Joshua over.
"Oh, good! I must admit, I was always curious to find out what you do when you go to the meetinghouse", Mary blushed.
"You are always welcome my dear", Dawn beamed up at Mary, "And what better person to share your first sermon experience with than Joshua here?" She winked and followed the other members in the meetinghouse, leaving them both standing awkwardly at the entrance as others filed past them.
"I apologise for my aunt. She can be a bit… forward at times"
"I think she's wonderful", Mary chortled, "When I grow up, I want to be like her".
Joshua couldn't help but chuckle at her comment. He offered his arm and bowed his head, "Shall we?"
Mary grinned and took his arm, following him into the shade of the meetingroom to a bench with a free spot just big enough for two. Joshua led her to her seat and only took his place next to her when she was settled.
"Do we have to do anything when it starts?" Mary asked somewhat nervously.
Joshua chuckled, amused by her question, "Thankfully no. All we have to do is listen and…try not to fall asleep".
"Does that happen often?" Mary asked in a hushed voice, leaning in closer to him and, for the first time he was thankful that his face was covered in bandages so that no one could see him blushing.
"Sometimes", Joshua whispered, "You will know them by their snores".
Mary bit back a giggle as the sermon began, straightening her back on the bench and fanning herself with her hat.
It was one of the easiest sermons Joshua ever had to sit through, partly because he had Mary there next to him. He did catch Dawn occasionally peering behind her shoulder to steal a glance at the two of them with what looked like a permanent grin on her face. Although Joshua shook his head every time he met Dawn's enthusiastic gaze, he couldn't deny what he felt. He caught himself gazing at Mary from the corner of his eyes from time to time, absorbing her presence and appreciating the mild and fresh floral aroma that wafted from her as she fanned herself.
Sixty minutes passed so quickly with Mary in his thoughts and the sermon wound to a close. It wasn't until people started getting up from their seats that Joshua noticed he'd not paid attention to a single word the Elder shared with them. When he was a young man he would have felt guilt if he allowed himself to fall so deeply into his thoughts that he'd missed the entirety of a sermon; but not now.
"Well, that was a great sermon today", Dawn commented next to them, "I learned a lot today. How about you two?"
"Oh, yes! Plenty", Mary piped up, beaming back at Dawn, "If all sermons are this enlightening, I think I will join you next Sunday".
Dawn nodded her approval and squeezed her shoulder supportively, "I imagine by next week we will learn even more", she said before moving off with the crowd to speak with her neighbours.
Mary looked around her, watching everyone file outside and leave them both sitting alone in the spacious building, "So… It's over?"
"Yes", Joshua bowed his head slightly.
She looked at him somewhat expectantly, "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what we're supposed to do next".
'This would be a good time to kiss her', a voice in the back of his head piped up when he noticed that they were the only ones in the meetinghouse.
"Uhh.. Well, we can follow the others and join them for an early lunch. Or we could go back to our homes", Joshua answered, ignoring the voice in his head.
"Oh…", Mary sounded somewhat disheartened that that was all that was left to do.
Joshua thought for a moment and an idea popped into his head of how he could save this situation, "You know, I am not familiar with Quaker prayer. Would you be willing to teach me?"
The suggestion seemed to catch Mary by surprise, "I didn't know you were interested in Quakerism".
"You're the first I've met", he answered, "And seeing as I zoned out for that entire sermon, I would feel guilty leaving without learning something today".
Mary turned to face him and relaxed in her seat, "I think that one of the things that really differentiates Quakerism from other religion is that Quakers believe that there is a part of God in all of us and that it is shaped by personal experience. No single Quaker will have the same definition of God as another".
"So it's more personal and meaningful to each individual?", Joshua asked curiously.
"Yes", Mary nodded, "While many religions tend to focus on an almighty being, or deity, with Quakerism we believe that the spirit, the goodness in people is what God is. There is something precious and transcendent in every person and we take great strength and comfort from that. We're all connected and thus never truly alone".
Joshua was in awe of her explanation, that the whole question around God for Quakers was seeing and recognising the good in people. It made him even more fond of her.
"Do you pray?"
"We do, it's called 'meeting for worship'. It can take place any time and at any place, but I always remembered my family and I taking part in worship on Sunday mornings", Mary looked around her studying the space they were in, "And actually, our meetinghouses were very much like yours. Spacious, with plenty of natural light and room to move. Only we had benches facing towards the centre of the room. Every meeting begins in silence and it starts as soon as the first person enters the room and it only finishes when two Quakers shake their hands. There is no minister to lead or a set of hymns or sermons. The idea is when you feel moved to stand up and give ministry, you do. You say your peace and then allow for anyone else to say theirs".
Joshua considered her description, trying to picture what a meeting for worship would look like. "So everyone is responsible for giving some sort of sermon?"
Mary tilted her head, a faraway expression on her features, "Kind of… It's not an obligation for everyone to speak. Members will speak if they find they have something to say, and it could be anything. They could talk about something they've learnt, or if they think there is a topic they feel they need to address. And their ministry could last anywhere from a few short minutes up to half an hour if they wanted".
Joshua slid a little closer to her, "Can you show me?"
With an enthusiastic nod, Mary closed her eyes and relaxed in her seat with her hands folded neatly on her lap. A few minutes of silence passed before she opened her eyes again and began to speak, "After attending the sermon today, I wish that I took the opportunity to attend Sunday worship with the rest of the community sooner. We both have so many things in common that it now feels so trivial to think back to my initial refusal to attend; I feel guilty because of it, for the rift it caused. It makes me wonder about all the disagreements people have had since mankind existed, some which have led to devastating results, and how it could all have been avoided if each party was able to see the similarities they shared and more open to embracing each other's differences", she finished, "Now you".
Feeling like he was put on the spot, Joshua's mind raced in panic trying to find something that he could talk about that was appropriate. Mary spoke so eloquently and conveyed her message perfectly that he felt whatever he said would seem trivial compared to hers.
"I… I'm not sure I have much to add", he stammered, shifting in his seat, "I don't even know what to say".
"That's alright, you don't have to say anything if you don't want".
"How do you know what to say?" Joshua asked curiously, "And you were so articulate, I feel like anything I say would be inconsequential".
"I always listen to the little voice in the back of my mind", Mary lightly tapped the side of her head with her fingertip, "I know I have a message to give, but even I don't know how that message is going to be strung together. It only becomes clear when I start speaking".
His heart beat quickened and there was a clear voice yelling at him in his mind, but he feared the repercussions of what might come out.
"I don't know…"
Mary smiled at him comfortingly, "That's okay too. You don't have to if you're not comfortable". She extended her arm to him for a handshake to call an end to the worship, but Joshua hesitated. Part of him was pushing for him to shake her hand, but another much louder voice wanted to be heard. He broke his gaze from her arm and met hers.
"So… I just speak? About anything?"
"Exactly. The first thing that comes to your mind", she nodded, "You can close your eyes if it helps you relax and collect your thoughts".
'Alright, I can do this', Joshua nodded, rolling his shoulders back to help ease the tension in his body and closed his eyes as Mary suggested. At first everything came to him in a jumble, images flashed in his mind from random memories and the multitude of thoughts that he had bottled up. Before he had any time to consider, he started speaking.
"When I am around people I get a sense of dread… Dread of what others really think of me and that if they knew the full extent of my history, I would repulse them", he sighed, keeping his eyes closed because he knew that if he looked at Mary now he would never finish his ministry, "I am not a good man. I think I was once, many years ago before I was taken down a road by a man I thought was my friend. He opened the door to many opportunities, and I followed him through every one of them, each darker than the former. What disturbs me was that I did all of this willingly; I allowed myself to become evil itself and there were times when I relished in it. I am the cause of so much suffering for countless individuals. I enslaved people, broke them down until they were nothing, and killed the ones who opposed my methods. But after everything that I have achieved following Edward Sallow, one failure was all it took to receive the worst punishment imaginable. There are times when I think that that life was physically burned away from me… And though I suffer with the dull pain every minute of every day, I know I deserve worse. The Joshua Graham that everyone thinks they know, is dead. He died that night when the flames engulfed him. I do not know why my body hasn't perished, but all that is left is a hollow shell of a man just living a borrowed life with the memories of the past". Speaking these words to her felt like drawing poison out of a wound, a sense of relief beginning to wash over him. He took a shuddering breath in before he continued, knowing that what he was about to say next was going to be the hardest, "I know that I do not deserve your kindness and the affection you have shown me, but what I fear the most is knowing that you will now see me for what I am. Despite everything, there is still a remnant of that selfish man that wants nothing more than to go back to his old life like nothing ever happened".
He opened his eyes and was surprised to see an expression he'd seen once on Mary's face the night of the celebration when she gave him that kiss on the cheek. It was deep admiration.
"Thank you for sharing with me, Joshua. I can see now why it was difficult for you to speak".
Joshua visibly slumped in his seat, rubbing his forehead, "I didn't expect you to be so… accepting of it".
"Why? Is that so hard to believe that you can be forgiven?" she asked.
"Yes", Joshua answered flatly, "Because I do not deserve it".
Mary sighed, leaning forwards to get closer to Joshua, "The fact that you say that means that you are a good man and do deserve forgiveness. You have recognised that what you did in the past was wrong, which means that there is good in you and it has revealed itself. Everyone falls and makes mistakes in life, no matter the magnitude of that mistake. You have survived because you have been given a second chance, because the good in you outweighs the rest".
Joshua shook his head and stood up from the bench, fearing that if Mary got any closer to him that he might do something he would regret later on, "I'm sorry Mary, but you're wrong about me". He turned to leave but before he made it very far Mary chased him down and placed herself between him and the doorway, her hand outstretched.
"Worship ends when two parties shake hands, remember?" she insisted, catching Joshua by surprise, "There's a final thing I want to share with you".
He eyed her hesitantly, wondering what she had to say. "Go ahead".
"I know that right now you think there's not much that could change your mind; I'm not even sure if what I'm about to say will even register with you but if you care for your family, I sincerely hope you do", she folded her arms in front of her chest, gazing deeply into his solemn grey eyes, "You are a good person, no matter what you may think of yourself at this very moment. You deserve to feel happiness and to accept the love that others have for you. You said Joshua Graham died the day you were punished; I believe you. That version, the one you claim to be, has perished. You were baptised again, not in water, but in flames. You have been given a second chance. Don't squander it away by allowing the other Joshua Graham's guilt to cripple you".
Mary's words took him aback. He gazed at her wide eyed, not expecting to be confronted with such a wise and honest message from her, though he shouldn't have expected anything less. Quakers are renowned for being honest and speaking the truth, even though the truth may sometimes hurt and others are reluctant to hear it.
She calmly extended her hand to him, "I have said all I wanted to say. Now it's up to you to figure out what you want to do".
He reached out and gently accepted her handshake, "I'm not certain what I want to do in the long run, but I think I know what I want to do right now".
"And what's that?" Mary placed her hat back onto her head and adjusted it, ready to leave as soon as Joshua let go of her hand. Instead, he slowly moved closer to her, placing her hand on his chest.
"I would like to spend the rest of the day with you, and every day after that", he said, feeling his heart fluttering in his throat, "That is, if you would like my company".
Mary flashed a wide grin and leaned into him, standing on her tiptoes to give him a soulful kiss on his lips. Her answer took his breath away and he had to stop himself from flinching back; ultimately, he had to embrace Mary's wisdom and accept that he deserved to feel this happiness.
"I thought you'd never ask", she grinned up at him. He found that her joy was catching, and it didn't take much for him to start grinning like a young lovestruck fool. With her hand still in his, she gave him a reassuring squeeze and led him outside to join the others at Dawn's house to enjoy the early lunch, unashamedly displaying her affection for him. This was the best day of Joshua's life and despite fighting the small voices in the back of his mind that reminded him of his reservations, guilt and self-loathing, he allowed himself to just enjoy and live in this pure moment.
