Interlude 20: Reforging The Crown, Part 1: Garnet Melancholy

I'm a god damned coward.

I can't run away from it. The fact that I haven't worked up the guts once to try and go see Lelouch&CC after Nunnally caught me stuck in thought outside their door like some kind of stalker says everything.

Gah! Two fucking weeks, and I can't even say a word to them?! Red Queen my ass, I'm a yellow coward.

And the worst part, is I don't know what to say to them even if I did have the guts to try talking to them.

'Hey Lulu, so I met your parents. And they know you're Zero, and they are eager to fight it out with you, like it's some kind of game.' ARGH! How can I trust them if they won't tell me what's going on?!

Compartmentalization of information, sure. I...I just didn't think that meant me.

This is going nowhere. I need to talk to someone about this. Letting my thoughts run around in circles in my head is driving me nuts. That, and part of me doesn't want to bother Lulu&CC after that speech. They're trying to pull the organization out of the mud, the last thing they need is doing spring cleaning for my fucked up psyche.

So..who's left?

Nunnally? Pshh, hell no. I don't know how she figured out what happened, but talking to her about it would be outright evil. She's a smart girl, but if I put that on her, Lelouch would slap my head off, and he'd be well in his rights to do it.

Milly? I like Milly, a lot, actually. But...I don't feel right talking to her about this.

Kaguya? She's pretty young too, but she's amazingly capable. Unfortunately, she's not here. And wherever she is, it's classified to the point that I think only command staff know. Which is not a thing I want to deal with any time soon.

"カレン?" (Kallen?)

My head snaps around in surprise at someone talking to me in Japanese, only to find Oni-chan looking down at me, an eyebrow raised.

"だいじおぶか?" (You ok?)

All I can do is give him a hug, arms wrapping around his torso, his warmth a comfort to me as he runs his hand along my hair, like when I was little and needed comfort. It's...nice.

"Kallen, I mean it. Are you ok?"

Part of me wants to tell him everything, to let him know what happened, to just let Oni-chan handle it. But..I'm not a child. And honestly? The fact that this shit happened to me makes me angry, ashamed, frustrated, terrified, twisted up inside..

"I dunno. I've been trying to figure things out," I mumble as I bury my head in the crook of his shoulder.

He sighs, holding me tight with his arms, "Kallen. I was there. I saw what happened when CC broke the geass on you. You're not ok. Something happened, and you've been avoiding talking about it."

Everything from my smallest toe to the hair of my eyelashes freezes in place at those words. Does he know? Did CC tell him?!

"I don't know what happened, and I won't ask unless you want to tell me. You're my sister, Kallen. I love and care about you. But I also know you're as stubborn as a kappa with a cucumber."

The snort that comes out at that remark is one that Okaa-san would scold me for, even if she'd agree with Oni-chan.

"Look, all I'm saying is that we're here for you. So...talk to someone. If not me, then okaa-san. I hate seeing you like this," he says, a frown on his lips as he looks down at me.

Fucking hell. I hate this. I hate this so goddamn much. I want to scream at him, to ask what gives him the right to tell me what to do. To curse him out for not being there.

...Yeah. That would be a great thing to do to the guy who got shot in the head and lost his memories for years. Fuck that noise.

"..Ok. I'll promise," I grumble as my eyes scrunch him, feeling him relax in my arms.

Oni-chan ruffles my hair in that way that I always hated as a kid, but now? Now it makes my heart ache because of how much I missed it.

"Just looking for you, little red. まだ きょつけてよ。" (Take care of yourself.)

That's not water in my eyes, just sand. I'm tough, not a little girl who needs her big brother to protect her...who am I kidding?

I squeeze him tighter and nod before breaking the hug and slowly walking away, my insides a bundle of nerves.

Ok...let's get this over with.

My hands are sweaty as I stand outside the door to Okaa-san's quarters. Shit, why can't I just do it? Why can't I muster the guts to knock on a goddamned do-!?

The door opens, oblivious to my inner conflict as Okaa-san blinks at my standing there, fidgeting in place.

"た-ただいま。" (I-I'm home.)

Even the butterflies in my stomach quiet down with my mother holding me in her embrace. Kami, I missed this.

"Please come in, I have a pot of tea and some manju…," she says, her hands playing with her apron, a nervous look on her face.

...ちくしょ! (Fuck!)

Of course she's nervous! I've barely spent any time with her since we got here and she only found out a few weeks ago that I'm a Black Knight!

Swallowing a gulp of air down my throat, I gently reach out, holding her hand, forcing myself to smile, "Okaa-san, it's ok. I know we haven't talked much but..I need to apologize."

The two of us move to sit down next to each other on the couch in her room, Okaa-san pouring two cups of tea as she looks at me in confusion.

"What do you need to apologize for?"

Fucking hell, where do I even start?

"The fact that I've been an absolute cunt to you for years because I was too fucking stupid to realize that you were staying for me, that I didn't help you get off refrain, that I lied about Ashford, being a Black Knight, leaving you alone in some clinic!" I start off calmly listing things, but my voice starts getting frantic and agitated the more I list the sheer number of things I've fucked up. And that's all before I get into my fucked up relationship with my commanding officer and his wife.

Before I can catch my breath, Okaa-san wraps me in her arms, her left hand rubbing my back and her right holding my head as I freeze in place.

"ゆるしてくれ、カレンちゃん。。I've been a weak and unworthy woman, and I haven't been there for you as a mother. You've done so much, so much more than I ever dreamed possible for you." (Forgive me, Kallen-chan…)

No! That's not true! I'm the one who's fucked everything up, the one who's dirty, who's tainte-!

"But if there is anything I'm proud of, that makes my heart soar with joy, it's seeing you and Naoto grow up to be such fine people. That you both turned out so well despite my failure as a mother is the greatest joy I have in this world, Kallen," she whispers, her eyes wet as I look her in the eye, lip quivering, my heart heavy with guilt and unspoken pain.

"But...I've done terrible things, Okaa-san. I've killed people. I've stood by and watched people die because Le-Zero ordered it. I've bombed public places just to get Britannians. I've been stewing in hatred and resentment ever since I thought Oni-chan died. I'm not a good person, or the lady you wanted me to be. I'm a goddamn mess..," I force the words out, my chest clenching as I confess to her.

Yeah, that's right, Okaa-san. I'm not your little girl anymore, or the polite noble heiress. I'm...fuck, I barely even know what I am anymore.

Okaa-san looks at me, the blue in her eyes glistening with emotion as she holds me by the shoulders, shaking her head.

"No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you Kallen. You and Naoto are my children, the thing that gives me hope and let me endure all those terrible things. I..I know something is bothering you," she declares in a halting voice, my eyes widening, the fear in them plainly visible.

Does she know?! Did someone tell her?!

"I won't ask what it is, unless you want to tell me. But if you ever want to talk, or you just need a place to be yourself, or you want a place to cry, you're always welcome to stay with me. I do want to hear about everything that's happened, but we don't have to do that today. Please, stay with me for a little while. I just want to get to know you, the real you. Is that ok, Kallen-chan?"

All I can trust myself to do is sniffle as I rest my head on her shoulder and nod. God I'm so weak. This is pathetic. Here I am, holding my mother like a lost child.

"Now, what is something you can tell me that won't bother you? Anything is fine."

Shit. This was so much easier when I could just ignore her or walk away from her. Damnit, that's another thing I owe that purple eyed son of a bitch.

"Well...I'm a pilot. You know the Guren, the red machine that was on the news? That's mine, Big Red."

Taking out my phone from my jeans pocket, I flip through some photos to a candid shot I took of Rakshata preening over a freshly polished Big Red, the metal shining under the hanger lights, the titanium alloy of the RWS standing in stark contrast to the crimson body.

Okaa-san gently takes my phone in her left hand, her right resting on her cheek, mouth open in surprise at the picture, which includes me giving a V sign at my knightmare's feet. A happy picture from better times…

"Kallen..this is yours? How long have you-"

"Since I was fourteen. I started helping Oni-chan at thirteen, and then he found an old Glasgow one day. I wanted to practice it and well..I turned out to be really good," I mutter, hands in my lap, fingers itching to move, to do...fuck, I don't know, something! Gah! I hate this!

"Kallen?"

Standing up in a huff, I start pacing, nervous energy around me as I throw my hands up in the air, "I hate this! I hate being sidelined, I hate being off kilter, I hate not knowing what I should do, I hate that my stupid fucking boyfriend/commanding officer is a duplicitous snake who keeps too many god damn secrets!"

Clenching my fists as I rant,"I hate that I have to work with the fucking 'Bitch of Britannia', his god damn sister, I hate that a certain smug sexy green bitch took forever to find me, and most of all, I hate that I can't enjoy a simple day with my mother without his god damn bullshit interfering with it!"

The near silence stretches on, the only sound my breathing as I try to calm down after the rant. But holy shit, that felt good.

"Kallen, I know it's not my place, but I can't help thinking I should give this young man a stern talking to about how he's treating you," my mother, yes, my mother, a meek and unassuming woman who I thought never had any kind of spine..well, prior to realizing why she was still hanging out in that god forsaken house anyway, is now talking about going to confront Lelouch with a determined look on her face.

In my mind's eye, I can see it playing out. Okaa-san wagging her finger at him and CC, scolding them for not being straight with me...and it is absolutely hilarious.

"Hehehehe..," I giggle out loud as the image of Lelouch sitting in his wheelchair gobsmacked at getting chewed out by her, CC laughing her oversized ass off to the side before she's next.

"Hahahahahahaha!"

It's so utterly absurd I can't help giggling like a loon as I collapse on the couch in paroxysms of laughter, my head resting on Okaa-san's apron as she looks down nonplussed at me, clearly confused as to where this came from. Though to be fair? I don't think she's met the real Lelouch yet.

...Hell, have I?

"カレンちゃん、だいじおぶですか?" (Kallen-chan, are you alright?)

Ok, looking at it from her view? That was kinda nuts.

"うん。だいじおぶです。" I assert, taking a sec to catch my breath, and gather my thoughts to figure out how to explain to Okaa-san about..Lelouch and why that was funny. (Yeah, I'm fine.)

"So...you remember Lelouch, the student council VP who came by that one time? He's..-"

"He's Zero, isn't he?" she remarks with a knowing smile, her hands on my cheeks as I blink dumbfounded at what she just said. What the hell?

""His wife all but confirmed it when we spoke as we were leaving Japan. She never said his name, but I wondered if there was something more to that young man who came over with you. I..never dreamed he was the Demon King."

Okaa-san looks me in the eyes, blue to blue as she frowns intently, "Kallen, is he hurting you, pressuring you, or forcing you to do anything? If he is-"

What the hell?! Almost instantly I'm up on my feet, incredulity etched onto my features as I look dumbfounded at her.

"ぜったい に ありません!He wouldn't do that!" (Not at all!)

Lelouch abusing me or forcing me to do this?! What the hell is she-...right. All she knows is his reputation and propaganda. She's never heard him speak uncensored or met him in the flesh. Of course she'd be scared after things like the goemon-buro or the rain of blood.

My ass hits the couch as a sigh escapes my lips, torso bent over, hands over my face, "I'm sorry. You don't know him, and with the way he presents himself, he looks really scary. I guess...I just don't see it since I know the man behind the mask."

A weight settles on my back as Okaa-san rubs around my shoulder blades, "You're right, I don't know him. But, if he and his wife are going to be dating my daughter, then why don't you tell me about them?."

Dating. Man, after everything we've been through, that is such a weird thought to have in my head. Going on a date with Lelouch, or with CC...wait, what was that last thing Okaa-san said?

"Huh?"

She gives me a look, the same look she used to give me whenever I tried to sneak mochi before dinner, or sneak out of the house and get caught. A look that says 'You got caught.' What the hell did I get caught on-..oh shit.

"Kallen, I didn't know you were into girls. But then, there's a lot of things I clearly didn't know about my daughter," she says, smiling warmly at me as I grimace at my preferences being revealed.

"You don't care that I-" I start to speak, only to be interrupted by her putting a finger on my lips and shaking her head.

"No. Many Japanese people might, I'm not one of them. All I care about is that you're happy."

..'m not crying. It's just sand in my eyes, that's all. I'm a big girl, I don't need to cry to mommy..

"カレンちゃん、だいじおぶです。私はここです。" she rejoins in response to my numb state, her hands holding my shoulders gently. (Kallen-chan, it's alright. I'm here.)

All I can do is hold her as I let years of worry about this out, tears staining her blouse as she rubs my back.

For a long time, I was worried about this. Growing up in old Japan, you get told that you need to act a certain way, be interested in certain things. And that outside some youthful experimentation, never ever show interest in the same sex.

Japanese misogyny was fucking everywhere. Even in how they treated homosexuality. Gay men were fine, it was even considered manly and honorable. Lesbians? Pshh, hell no. Get back in the closet, you fucking dyke.

Then Britannia invaded, and suddenly I'm getting the opposite message. 'It's no problem, nobody cares. Love who you want.' Part of me hated it for being degenerate, deviant, etc, etc. But...part of me was envious that they were free to express that.

I knew I liked girls for a long time, I just never wanted to admit it. At Ashford, I had to act like a sick invalid, unable to emote or act like myself. With my brother and later the resistance, I had to be strong, hold the group together with Oni-chan and Ohgi. Even if there was a girl I would have been interested in, I couldn't let it show. We were trying to throw the Britannians out, not embrace their culture.

Kami, I was so fucking stupid back then. Maybe if I'd met Milly sooner, I'd have had an outlet for this. Much of a gadfly as she is, she would have been a good person to talk to about this. Then again, would I have actually opened up to her before I met Lulu and CC?

Sniffling as I wipe my eyes and sit up, my head turns up to look Okaa-san in the eye, before I snuggle against her shoulder, feeling relief at one of the knots around my hearts finally loosening, "すみません、お母さん。" (Thanks, mom.)

I was so worried that she'd reject me, that she'd hate me for embracing that part of myself, my Britannian side, so to speak. In hindsight, it sounds fucking idiotic, but...the heart isn't rational.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel you could talk to me about this earlier. Please forgi-"

Before she can continue, I'm shaking my head as I hug her tighter, "Goddamnit Okaa-san, stop it. We both have enough shit to apologize for and I wouldn't have even wanted to talk about this if my attraction to CC hadn't gotten me to admit it."

Hell, anyone with taste would be attracted to her. She's smart, funny, vivacious, cultured...and it is very hard to take your eyes off that ass.

Sure, she's nuts, capricious, haughty, bitchy at times, bloodthirsty...aw fuck. I have bad taste in women too?! I thought it was just Lelouch! Damnit!

Argh, I'm even starting to like Suzaku, and he's crazier than Lulu! And that's after the geass assisted shock therapy to get him to stop trying to kill himself!

"Ugh..," I groan out loud, lying back on the couch, palming my face.

"Kallen-chan?"

With what I'm certain is a tired expression on my face, I look up at Okaa-san, "Just realizing that I have the worst fucking taste in men and women. Everyone I'm involved with is crazy or doesn't understand the concept of why crazy is bad."

...Ok, what? Of all the reactions to my saying that, Okaa-san giggling at the exasperated look on my face is totally not what I expected to see.

Sitting up, I reach out to hold her shoulder, "お母さん?"

The last fucking thing I want is the pressure getting to Okaa-san!

"おかしいですね。はははは。。" she says, wiping her eyes as she slowly stops giggling at my dumbfounded expression. (It's funny. Hahahahaha)

"I used to complain to my girlfriends about men not making sense when I was in high school and college. Seeing you complaining the same way brought back memories of better times."

Huh. Come to think of it, when was the last time I sat down and really talked with Okaa-san? Before the invasion? ...Oh fuck. It was that long ago.

Screw it. No more crying over lost time. She's here, she's healthy, Oni-chan is back and...I'm still no closer to figuring out what I want to do.

"Okaa-san, what should I do? I kinda need to have it out with Lelouch and CC, but..," I gulp as I finish the sentence, struggling to say the words in my heart.

"But I'm scared of what the answers would be if I talked to them..," I utter in a tone so small and meek that even I can't believe it came out of my mouth.

The sound of tea being sipped echoes as Okaa-san slowly finishes her cup, putting it down on the saucer, her eyes focused on it in thought.

Shit, shit, shit. I just had to kill the fucking mood with my personal bullshit. Great fucking job, Kallen, you dumb bitch. You made Okaa-san feel bad. Hope it was worth it, you needy insensitive cow-

"Kallen-chan, how do you feel about them? Just say it honestly, pretend I'm not here," she declares after a moment, pouring herself another cup as she looks at me, emanating warmth and openness.

How I feel about them. Well fuck, that's a loaded question.

"He's a smug hubristic jackass with a perverse sense of humor, a streak of bloodlust a mile wide, an absolute louse who drives people up the wall dealing with him. She's a haughty cunt who seems to be permanently set on 'catty bitch' mode, looking on at everything in amusement as if none of it mattered to her."

Fuck, did I just say that in front of Okaa-san?! Before I can stop myself, my mouth is running away with me as bottled up feelings rush out.

"I have the constant urge to either punch their lights out or kiss them silly! They tease me with how they act, but then they pull back to give me space! He's a goddamned megalomaniac lunatic who wants to fulfill the divine ambition and take over the world! She's so loyal to him that she apparently ripped three guys in half with her bare hands who tried to kill him! His whole fucking family is made of psychos! She's a conniving demoness who apparently has known several of the best and worst people in history! And they both apparently love me to the point of almost dying at the Siege of Tokyo! I CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE THEM OUT!" I conclude my rant with a scream as I pull my hair, panting from the rapid fire barrage of deprecations and insults that bolted from my mouth, my face red with embarrassment and exertion.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm screaming at Okaa-san now! She doesn't need to hear about my relationship issues or personal hang ups!

And Okaa-san? All she's doing is shaking her head and sighing.

"I'm disappointed, Kallen-chan."

A chill runs down my spine at those words, my body turning to ice. Oh god, oh god, oh god-

"When did you acquire such foul language? I have half a mind to take Naoto-kun over my knee for teaching you to act so badly," she says with a huff, my jaw hanging open in shock at what she's saying.

What the hell?

"You're mad about that? What about all the other stuff I said?" I utter incredulously. Seriously? She doesn't bat an eye at my being bi, killing people, being an ace pilot, or being involved with two people. No no no. She gets mad at my swearing?

Okaa-san takes a deep breath before responding, "I admit, you're very different from what I thought you were like. But?"

Suddenly she smiles, patting the spot beside her for me to sit down, which I respond to on instinct.

"But seeing you in love and not hiding who you are gives me hope that I didn't fail you as a mother."

In love? Seriously? After that huge rant, that's her take?

My confusion must be written all over my face, she's rubbing my back and continuing to speak, "If you didn't care about them so much, you wouldn't be so frustrated and angry about how they act."

…FUCK!

I mean...I said it to him once. I guess I'm in love with her too. When did my love life get so complicated, argh!

"Whatever you decide to do, I'll support you. But I liked CC when I spoke with her. So, I know it's a lot to ask. But please, keep an open mind and let them try to explain themselves. Would they have come to get you in Japan if they didn't care?"

ちくしょ。 She's right. Hell, Lelouch absolutely would have come if he wasn't in a fucking coma at the time. I can't even get pissed at CC, she wouldn't have wanted to leave his side. I mean..I want to get pissed at them. But..now I feel like an ungrateful bitch. Fuck this noise.

"Gah. Fiiiine. I'll go see them tonight for dinner, ok?" I grumble, rolling my eyes at the knowing smile on her face as Okaa-san sits serenely, sipping her tea.

Welp, here I am, again. Standing outside a door, trying to work up the nerve to knock.

Come on you fucking coward, DO IT! KNOCK ON THE FUCKING DO-!

My hand stops midway to the door as a familiar face in an unfamiliar look opens it, eyes widening briefly in surprise before schooling themselves into casual interest.

"Tsundere-chan? What are you doing here?"

Seeing CC in a dress with a bodice around her waist with her hair in a long braid..damn.

Fuck, am I blushing?!

"I..uh..wanted to ask..if I..uh..could come in and..have dinner with you guys tonight..," I verbalize in what sounds like the most lame, half assed, nervous schoolgirl tone I have ever uttered in my life. Just kill me now, Kami. I'll take that over this humiliation and embarrassment.

Kami is either not listening, or he is and he's giving me exactly what I asked for. Because CC's face just lit up and now she's gently pulling me in and holding my hand. Argh, stop that. I can't say no if you look like that!

"CC, who's there?"

Wait, that's not quite Lelouch's voice. Something sounds off.

"You'll never guess who decided to come to dinner with us, Asshole. Tsundere-chan is here~," CC says with a playful tone as she closes the door behind me...and my face somehow turns a new shade of red.

Because sitting on the bed, her hair splayed out across her shoulders as she fiddles with tying it up into a bun, is Leloucia, wearing a tight red&black kimono, her face made up, tabi on her feet as she looks up at me with some surprise.

"Kallen?"

I gulp, taking a seat on a nearby chair, fidgeting with the hem of the short dress I'm wearing. Damnit, why did I listen to Okaa-san on this? I look ridiculous!

"You look..great," I trail off nervously as I look down.

Leloucia closes her eyes as she stops what she's doing, putting down her hands and taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. If my being a woman tonight is making you uncomfortable, I can change-"

"No. Shut up. It's not that! It's just..," my fists clench as my command of language fails me just when I need it most.

Why is this so fucking hard?!

"Leloucia, can you go check on the dinner? The minestrone and polpo need to be stirred."

Giving CC a nod, Lulu attaches a pair of crutches to her forearms and with a visible strain of effort, gets to her feet, albeit a bit unsteadily. Woah. Didn't think she was that far along.

"I'll probably need to rotate the pizza too, so I may be a few minutes," she quips as she hobbles out of the room into the kitchen, the door closing behind her.

"Wow. I didn't know she could walk yet..," I whisper as I turn back towards CC, who is pouring out a cup of red wine, holding the bottle at me expectantly.

Screw it. I give her a nod as I slump in my seat, taking the offered cup and gulping down a mouthful. Huh. Nice fruity flavor, blackberry? Or is that raspberry?

"I assumed you'd prefer to talk to me directly without her listening in on the conversation," CC notes after a minute of silence.

"Yeah..thanks," I mumble while taking another sip. Sometimes she's more considerate than she looks.

"Your mother did let us know you might be coming tonight. Hence why she's Leloucia at the moment. We assumed it would be more comfortable for you to just have a girl's night in."

Wait. We? More comfortable? The fuck!?

"Did you fucking tell her-?!" I start building up for a rant only for CC to shake her head firmly and look me dead in the eyes.

"I swear by my former title, and all I hold dear, that I did not say a word to her. You know damn well how smart she is. She figured out most of it by herself once she was awake enough to hold a conversation. At that point, it would be akin to hiding details from Sherlock Holmes, rank idiocy and utterly pointless," she grouses, rolling her eyes as she lounges in her chair next to me.

...Ok, in hindsight? I should have realized she'd figure it out.

"I didn't tell her the details or anything concrete. Only confirming who had you and that Charles and Mari got you out."

Speaking of unexplained bullshit..

My finger snaps out as I lean forward, poking CC in the tit, eyes narrowed in anger as I look her in the eyes, "Oh yeah, that's a thing I'm definitely going to want to explained right the fuck now. Along with a whole bunch of other secrets you and your bitch spouse have apparently been keeping!"

Part of me is happy that all she's doing in response to that is nodding grimly. The other part...well..

"You have no idea what it was like for me! I didn't know if any of you were alive or dead! I woke up to find out we'd lost and being told Zero was dead! Do you know what it was like for me there?! Do you know how much I pleaded with kami, the devil, ANYONE for someone to come and save me from that nightmare?! DO YOU?!" I scream at the greenette, my voice going hoarse at the end, heart clenching as my eyes water from remembering that.

"...I do know, Kallen."

My face whips up in fury at the presumption in that sentence, only for my body to freeze in place as I see something that stops me cold in her eyes.

Pain. Old, mournful and painful memories alight in her amber eyes. There's something dark and sorrowful in her eyes, something I never saw before.

"Oh please Kallen. Do you think you're the first woman in history who's ever been raped?" CC says in a bitter and morose voice, taking a deep pull from her glass.

...Oh.

"I know exactly what you're going through, because I have been there," she sighs out, pulling her chair closer to me as I look at her in a new light. All this time...I never knew.

"How...how many-?" I start to ask, only for her to put a finger over my lips as she shakes her head in the negative.

"More times than I ever want to recount. And that's why you need to talk to me. I'm telling you this about this part of my past because I love you. And because no one was there to do it for me..."

No, no, no. Fuck no. Don't you fucking do this.

"I know you feel ashamed, weak, soiled, all the other foul adjectives. That's why I asked Lulu to leave the room for a minute."

Even knowing that this was going to come up at some point...even so…

CC leans forward, embracing me in her arms gently, like I'm made of fucking glass. And right now, I kinda feel like I am..

"She's worried about you, we both are. It's tearing her up inside that she let you down and that this happened. I had to slap the idiocy out of her to get her to stop feeling self-destructive about it. But..," she gently vocalizes as a sigh escapes her lips. It does make me feel better in a way, hearing that she took it hard. But I also feel like an absolute cunt for even thinking that. ARGH!

"But, this is something that only someone who's been through it can talk to you about. So whatever you have to say, however you feel, I am here to bear it. Even if you feel the need to strike me down for failing you and not rescuing you from that torment.., I'll accept that as my penance," she declares in a stoic and resigned tone, my eyes widening in horror at her casual acceptance of my desire to murder her for what happened if I wanted to.

What the hell is wrong with her?!

My left arm pushes her back as I smack her across the face with my right, disbelief and fear plain on my face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why in the name of fuck would I ever want to kill you for this?! I may have felt fucking weird about coming to see you and Lulu, but that doesn't mean I want either of you dead for any of this, YOU STUPID GREEN BITCH!" I shriek at her as I shake her violently in my arms.

Why the hell is she smiling at that?

"I'm glad you're reacting this way. It means you aren't going to do what I did. And thank you for saying that."

Do what I-...oh.

"You..," I shudder as I realize exactly what she just confessed to me.

"I don't recommend it, even if you could come back like I can. You'll only feel worse," the lime haired witch quips at me nonchalantly, as if she didn't just confess to committing suicide a few times.

As I bite my lip, my heart clenches tightly, and I wonder to myself, 'why am I not just talking to her about it?'

"CC..does...does it ever stop hurting?"

Kami, the look in her eyes, I don't think she's ever looked so...so...vulnerable.

"Not entirely. No woman likes to talk about it. You'll never truly forget it. But you can move on from it, so it doesn't dominate your life, or take away from the things you enjoy."

She hangs her head as she continues speaking, fatigue and world weariness in her every word, "I can't apologize for what happened to you. There's no words I can say that will make up for failing you like this. I let my own depression and despair keep me from living. Even before Mari told me where to find you, I should have tried. I should have done more-"

As she's about to finish her sentence I lean in and kiss her on the lips gently, silencing her self recriminations.

"I forgive you."

Staying mad at her is pointless. Hell, I almost broke down crying when I saw what had happened to Lelouch. He looked half dead, just lying there, surgical scars still healing. What kind of a heartless bitch would I have to be to not feel sympathy for her?

"I don't want this, CC. I hate feeling like this, I hate this gap, this distance between us. I...I..," I gulp as I try to get the words out. The words that I've struggled to say to her for a while now. The words I had to struggle to say to Lulu.

"あいしてる、シシ。 But I want the truth. I need to know what's going on. If this is going to work out with you, me, Lulu..., Suzaku, Kaguya and everyone else, then I refuse to be shut out any longer. Whatever it is, I want in." (I love you, CC.)

Running my fingers through her hair as she snuggles against me, I wonder why it was so goddamn hard to say that.

"I can't promise I won't get pissed off at the two of you jackasses, but I'll try to keep an open mind. I still remember that you guys tried to bring down the Siegfried because it was targeting me. What...what Lelouch said to me back then. That kind of thing..well, it means something to a girl."

A sniff comes from my nose as I wipe my eyes off, damn sand. It gets everywhere.

"So don't you dare try and dump me before you've made good on all those crazy promises, and done the impossible things you said you'd do, ok CC!? You hear me too, Leloucia?! I yell out, certain that the purple eyed wisegirl heard that, and was probably listening to the conversation for awhile.

"Crystal, Kallen. Would you two mind helping serve the food? I can't really lift the plates or pots myself," Lulu exclaims with some chagrin.

Wonder what she made for dinner. If I'm going to listen to secrets and assorted bullshit, might as well have a nice meal with it.

I let out a whistle of appreciation at the spread, because lunatic or not? Leloucia is an amazing cook. Minestrone, rosemary focaccia, Pizza ala Neapolitano, and something else that is apparently still cooking.

Is it wrong that I'm enjoying this? Being close with people I care about, sharing a meal and just...relaxing. When was the last time I did this?

"So..I've got questions. For starters, what the fuck is wrong with your fucking family, Leloucia?" I say between bites of focaccia with olive oil drizzled on it, which holy shit, I don't know if it's the ingredients, the skill preparing it, or just the company, but it tastes great.

"Where do I even start, Kallen?" she grunts with a roll of her eyes, taking a pull of the wine before pulling out her cigarette case for a smoke.

"How about how your mom survived getting assassinated and told me to let you know she says hi? Want to explain that shit, Lulu?"

There's a story there, probably some geass related bullshit given the fact that her eyes had that symbol in them. And for once I'm gonna force these two dumbasses to cough up their secrets.

"...Marianne Lamperouge was my previous contractor. Her geass is an ability to transfer her consciousness. Her current host is Anya Alstrem, the Knight of Six, whom you met in Pendragon."

Shit. No wonder Marianne was able to get in touch with her. Wait a minute!

"Time the fuck out! Why the hell were you working with her?! What the fuck CC?! I thought you were on Leloucia's side! Were you just plotting to stab us in the back for whatever fucked up shit the Emperor is plan-why the fuck are you laughing?" I trail off as CC starts giggling at the steam of anger that suddenly peters out in the face of the unexpected reaction.

"Hehehehehe! I'm, hehehe, sorry. But it's refreshing to hear, hehehehe, that your first reaction is to defend tall, dark, and brooding here, hehehehe!"

Said broody bitch is...is she blushing? ...Ok, I did not see that coming.

"Kallen, much as I appreciate it? Please let us answer your questions without biting our heads off for each answer, hard as that might be," she mumbles out, moving around the table to serve the minestrone along with a small serving bowl of parmesan.

"...No promises. Ok...Next question. Why did Lelouch's mom get me out? Who sent me to Bradley? How did you find me?"

"The answer to the first part, is because you reminded Mari of herself, you're a worthy foe to her, and you are, much as you might deny it, Leloucia's champion. Even Jeremiah and Sayoko cannot claim such a position," CC quips, slurping up the soup with an expression akin to a cat who's just caught a canary.

Champion? Really? Me? I mean, I guess it's true. I fought in her name, I carried her colors, I was loyal to her and her alone...motherfucker!

"Ok, fine. I was her champion. You're telling me that Lulu's mom was crazy enough to let someone of my skills go just because I reminded her of herself? I'm not fucking buying that, this isn't a goddamn manga with idiot villains," I declare, rolling my eyes.

CC takes a moment to pilfer one of the neapolitan pizzas on the table, not a slice, no, the whole fucking pizza. Leloucia gives her a dirty look for her obvious greed which CC responds to by sticking out her tongue in a childish gesture that honestly makes me want to laugh. But...I'm not gonna relax yet. I need answers before I can trust them again.

"Hey, green bitch. What about my other questions? I'd like some answers sometime in the near future," I state between sipping from the minestrone in my soup bowl.

Said green bitch sighs after she gulps down a slice of pizza, and then turns to look me in the eye.

"It was VV. And I have a psychic connection to Mari from our previous contract. She told me to come find you and that you were being watched. That's how we were able to extract you from Area 11 so easily."

VV?! That bastard who runs the directorate….wait. He said his name was...Vincent Victor zi Britannia.

"Leloucia, who is VV in relation to you and the emperor? You said his last name was zi Britannia," I utter in an accusing tone as this situation starts to make less and less sense.

Her knuckles crack as she grips the table hard, hands stiffly holding a joint as she lights it up, icy fury apparent on her face.

"My uncle. And twin brother of Charles zi Britannia. He received his code at age 10. He looks like a child with very long blonde hair. He is the person who almost assassinated my mother 8 years ago."

…What in the name of fuck?

My fists pound the table, causing silverware to clatter as I lose control of my temper. Because this shit? This is something he should have fucking told me long before this!

"Why didn't you fucking tell me this earlier?!" I scream at her, watching her flinch at my words. Yeah, that's right. You fucked up, bitch.

"I actually did out him as the person who killed Marianne at the Siege of Tokyo. You probably didn't hear the transmission at the time," she mumbles, taking another puff.

"NO, REALLY?! I was only busy fighting for my life against the fucking Glastons and that fucking orange son of a bitch!"

Fuck this shit. I'm sick of being moved like a chess piece on the board.

Cracking my neck, I march over and haul her by her kimono before slapping her across the face.

"What the fuck is going on?! Why is the emperor working with the guy who killed his wife?! What the fuck is this grudge he has against her and you?! Is this all some kind of fucking blood feud?! You fuckers are playing some kind of demented shogi game with the entire world, I WANT TO KNOW WHY!"

Hot breath escapes my mouth as I pant from the emotional stress of letting that loose. Even if part of me felt good and justified to do that? It's still a shitty thing to do, and I do care about the two of them.

"You said if the king does not lead, his subordinates will not follow. Well guess what? I'm not fucking following any further without some fucking answers. So. Start. Talking," I declare with emphasis as I poke her chest in time with the last few words.

CC starts to stand up before I hold a hand up in a stop gesture at her.

"No. She's gonna talk, or I walk. You both fucking owe me this, don't even to deny it."

Leloucia looks down, letting a single breath escape her lungs before she looks back and...I'm struck numb by the look in her eyes.

Pain. Loss. Sorrow. Anger. Something bad happened to her, hell, maybe it's why she's so crazy to begin with. I feel like a heel for pushing her to answer, but...I gotta know. I need to know what this is about, and if I made a mistake joining her..and falling for her.

"Alright Kallen. You want to know the truth? Fine. You'll have the truth, but once you know this, you are sworn to secrecy. Because you cannot tell anyone what I am about to tell you."

Damn, she's really serious about this. I wonder..

"Is this related to Geass?" I query CC as I sit back down, Leloucia moving into the kitchen for a moment.

CC munches on another slice of pizza, taking a sip of wine before she answers.

"Yes, but there's more to it. It relates to my Code as well. And she's really not joking about how serious this is. If Charles and VV were aware that I had told her about this? We would have been facing the entire Knights of the Round back at Tokyo."

!

Kami, what the hell is important enough to throw that kind of overkill at us?!

Leloucia comes back wearing oven mitts and carrying a large ceramic pot in her arms, which she places on a raised block in the center of the table, and then leaves for the kitchen again.

"I don't know if I want to eat right no-" "Kallen, let her tell this in her own way. She worked hard on dinner, let's not see it go to waste."

Damnit, quit trying to guilt trip me! I cross my arms in what I know looks childishly petulant, but at this point I can't bring myself to give a shit.

...ok, where is she? She put dinner out, and now she's just waiting...for what? She puts the food out and she just disappears for like ten minutes?

The verdant haired witch gets up, an expression of consternation on her face, and marches into the kitchen. And then a minute later, she pokes her head out and motions for me to come closer.

"Kallen, I'm afraid I need your help. Leloucia..is not doing well at the moment."

Greeeat. Now what?

Swear my eyes just did three rotations at once right now. Ok Lulu, what the hell is going on...now? Woah.

She's...crying on the floor?

"Lulu?" I whisper as I get closer, a strong smell making my nose arch upward as I get closer. Yuck. What is that?

"Ick. What is that smell, CC?" I say, moving to sit next to the clearly distraught Leloucia.

CC grimaces as she holds her wife in her arms, "The silly girl downed several glasses of Sherry, she's completely intoxicated."

The hell?

"Seriously Leloucia? You got drunk just to avoid talking to-" my sentence gets cut off as the girl in question glomps onto me, sniffling and crying.

"I..I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my fault, Kallen! I failed you at the Siege and you went through all those horrors because of me!"

Fucking hell, Lulu. That's..

"My parents are insane! They want to kill us all! And I can't tell anyone about it because nobody would believe me! And the worst part! The worst part!" she shrieks, glomping onto me tightly.

"MY OWN MOTHER WANTS THIS MADNESS ENOUGH TO LET NUNNALLY AND I GO THROUGH THE HELL OF THE INVASION! SHE'D SACRIFICE BOTH OF US TO SEE HUMANITY DIE!"

Holy shit! She's hysterical! I wrap her in my arms, running my hand along her back as she sobs. I've..I've never seen her like this. It's kinda unnerving.

"My father wants to destroy god, and because of this delusional idea, my life was ruined! And the lives of countless people across the world, just so he and that little shit VV could see humanity brought to ruin!"

What in the name of fuck? Destroy god? Kill humanity?!

"CC...what the fuck..?" I exclaim as Leloucia continues her meltdown, clutching onto me like I'm the only rock of sanity left in the world.

Rather than another snarky comment or sarcastic remark, CC instead joins the hug, and starts monologuing in a solemn melancholy voice.

"Over fifty years ago, the emblem of blood occured. Charles and Vincent lost their mother to an assassin. They swore an oath to 'destroy the world of lies.' Myself and Marianne joined them in this endeavor years later. We determined that in order to succeed, we needed to capture the thought elevators, ancient ruins scattered across the world. One of which is located at Kaminejima, Japan."

Oh my god.

"You mean-"

"Yes. Japan was invaded just because of that. There were other reasons, but that was the primary one. And it is the reason for Britannia's current war posture. To gain control of the thought elevators, and then using my code and VV's, to activate a machine to destroy the collective unconsciousness of mankind, thereby slaying god."

...what.

"Leloucia learned of this from me after winning my allegiance, and my heart. I...had been party to this to secure my own demise by passing my code to Marianne when her geass became capable of taking the code. At this time, I was suicidally depressed," she notes with a wince on her face as I look numbly at both of them.

What.

"The danger is not just this weapon, The Sword of Akasha, exists. But that we cannot betray our awareness of it until the time is right. Charles is amused and considers Leloucia a worthy adversary. But if the knowledge of his true goals were to become known-"

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Are you...FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" I bellow at them, my last fucking nerve finally snapping at this new level of bullshit.

Screw this! Screw everything about this crap! THIS IS THE MOST FUCKED UP AND STUPID THING I'VE EVER HEARD!

"So let me get this straight. Lulu's parents and her uncle are insane. And they want to somehow kill...god? Because of some fucking oath that makes no sense?! AND FOR THIS THEY DECIDED TO INVADE AND DESTROY MY COUNTRY AND COUNTLESS OTHERS! AND ABANDONED LELOUCIA AND NUNNALLY TO THE INVASION?!"

Wait a minute!

"Then why the fuck did VV try to kill Marianne?! Isn't she in on this?! How do they know Leloucia is Zero?!" I reply incredulously, eyebrow twitching in frustration. Her actions make even LESS sense now!

"..Because Uncle Vincent has a creepy obsession with his brother, my father. And he thought Marianne was diverting his attention from their project. So out of petty jealousy..he killed her and tried to have us killed during the invasion. And later sicced Siegfried on me...and sent you to Bradley just to hurt me..and because you reminded him of my mother. And Charles can use the sword to speak with the recently deceased.." she mutters, still sniffling, her tears staining my blouse as my face goes white at what I just heard.

Kami...no wonder she drank herself sick and is feeling so guilty...and don't get me started on that last bit of mindblowing shit.

"What a fucking mess we are," I whisper, sitting on the floor of a kitchen, in the middle of fucking nowhere in Saudi goddamn Arabia, holding two women who..I think I still love them, but man, they're screwed up.

...Like I'm one to talk.

"Let me ask you a rude question, Tsundere-chan," CC says, a coy smile playing at her lips.

"Would you rather be anywhere else?"

Put me under the spotlight, huh. I don't know if it's funny, sad, relieving, or some other feeling too complicated to explain, but?

"Nah. Much as you two drive me nuts? I..like being around you two," I finish, trailing off as the greenette and brunette wrapped around me squeeze tighter. Even with the enormous baggage everybody in this group has, they're still good people, mostly.

Judging by her breathing slowing down and her grip loosening, Lulu must be feeling better.

"Feel better now that you got that off your chest, Leloucia?" I remark as she sits up, wiping her eyes and sighing, albeit swaying unsteadily.

"A Demon Queen, a tsundere, and the Witch of Britannia walk into a bar...it sounds like a bad joke."

Kami damnit, are they ever going to stop-wait, what was that last part?

"Umm, Lulu? Your sister isn't here. Why did you-" it suddenly hits me which of us she was talking about. To which I give said Witch, who is sitting on her knees, posing cutely and blowing a kiss, just hamming it up right here, a look that says I am absolutely done with this shit.

"Really? Fucking really? You're the original Witch of Britannia? Any more goddamn surprises you want to share before I punch both of you cunts unconscious?"

Truthfully, I'm only one third to a quarter serious. But I have most definitely had enough of the crazy secrets.

CC shrugs, flicking her braid over one shoulder, "Nothing at this time. I'll happily share stories another night. For now, let's get this adorable slut some water before that sherry she chugged down makes her sick."

Alley-oop. Damn, that was harder than I thought picking her up.

"Did you put on a few pounds, or am I out of shape?" I grumble as I lift her in my arms, the cheeky little skank fluttering her eyelashes at me.

"I think we both need to do some work at the gym for awhile, Kallen. Also?"

I flush red as she gives me a peck on the cheek. It's weird, I would have thought her being a girl part of the time would bother me, but honestly? It just...kinda suits her. It doesn't bother me.

"Thank you for letting me vent. I'm sorry for using you so harshl-" I shut her up with a finger over her lips. Enough of the self flagellation shit.

"You're fucked up. And most of your family is fucked up. Starting when you've got free time? You're gonna hang out with my family, which is significantly less fucked up than yours. K?"

"But-" "No fucking buts. You need to take some time to relax, you high strung megalomaniacal self destructive lunatic bitch!" I yell at her as I drop her heavy ass back down in her seat at the table.

At least she's thinking about what I said instead of trying to argue or be a wiseass. I think that means I got through to her. Stubborn like a god damned mule.

"Kallen. Do you hate me?" she suddenly utters, a desperate look in her eyes, fingers gripping the hem of her kimono as CC shoves a bottle of water into her hands, an annoyed look in her eyes.

"Leloucia, you're drunk. Drink that, now. And then drink a few more until you stop-"

Hell with it, might as well tell her. Flexing my arm, I rap my knuckles on the table, getting their attention and cutting CC off in her rant as I take a deep breath.

"No. I can't hate you for this, Leloucia. I never could. You want to know what made it so I didn't give up, that gave me strength enough to keep going, even when I wanted to just bite my tongue off and... end the endless horror of being raped and tortured?" I grimace, knuckles white as I struggle to say...what happened.

"It was you. I believed that you'd come and save me. That you'd get me out of that hellhole, somehow."

Damnit, now I'm crying too. Why? Why can't I just get back to normal?

"When your asshole father said that Cornelia had defected? My heart fucking sang. Because I knew what that meant. If it was just Nunnally, she'd have taken her under her protection. But if you were still around..well, I figured it meant she went to go to you," my feet feeling like they're made of lead, my stomach roiling like a volcano as I swallow my spit, trying to keep my composure as I speak.

"I..I was angry. I actually decked CC when she didn't want to tell me anything after she broke the geass on me. Even after she whispered to me that she didn't want to tell me where she could be overheard and that geass was involved. But this?" I gesture around the room, grimacing and slumping in my chair, hands on my forehead.

"I don't even know where to start with this. It's a whole other level of what the fucking fuck that...shit, I don't have the words right now for this," I grumble, rubbing my forehead.

The sound of a lighter clicking and smell of something burning pricks my senses, causing me to look up. Leloucia and CC are sitting at the table on either side of me, CC smoking as Lulu gulps down another bottle of water.

"Kallen, would it help if I said Leloucia has voiced similar opinions regarding her sire's plan and her family?" CC quips, blowing out a smoke cloud as she leans back in her chair, her other hand toying with her braid as Lulu flips the bird at her while rolling her eyes.

"Actually, does help. I'm still a little freaked out. But given the cluster bomb you just dropped on me? I can understand why you're keeping this crazy shit under wraps," I say with a sigh as I thump my head on the table. On the one hand, I'm happy they told me what's really going on. On the other hand, there goes sleeping peacefully for a while.

"Kallen, is there anything I can do to make this up to you? Or make you happy right now?" the brunette to my left asks, her eyes still bleary as she sways in her seat unsteadily.

Hmm. What do I want? There's a lot I could ask for, but...honestly, it's a pretty short list.

"First off? Stop beating yourself up over this. I can already tell you're getting a guilt complex over what happened to me. Look, it's done. I'm here now, and you two did come and get me. So for the love of Kami, please stop the self flagellation. It's bad enough that Green Bitch here offered to let me kill her in recompense, don't you fucking start," I roll my eyes as I state my first item.

"And that goes for you too, CC. You may be immortal, but nobody likes seeing dead or hurt. So cut that shit out, ok?"

Given the nods I'm getting, that one seems like it was accepted.

"Much as I want to get back to piloting, to being on the front lines...I can't. It's fucking killing me inside, but...I'm not ready," I whisper in a small voice, gulping as my hand shakes, even with me trying to steady it as I drink some of the wine in my glass. It's like pulling out a poisonous needle with thorns in it. That's what it feels like admitting that I'm afraid, that I...I...I can't fight right now.

I could spout some bullshit. Say that I'm ready to fight, to be the Red Queen again. But I know damn well that if I tried it now, I'd freeze. Or panic. Or do something reckless. And that? That would get other people killed. People under my command, people I'm fighting with. Hell, it might get Leloucia killed.

And I'm sure as fuck not letting this stupid bitch get herself killed like she almost did this last time.

"As an experienced commander, Kallen? It's harder than you think to make that kind of admission. To tell anyone that you aren't ready. ...Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us that," CC voices in my ear, holding my left hand as Lulu puts her hand on my right shoulder.

Two down, one to go. It's weird that it felt good admitting that. I guess I needed to let down a bit.

"I haven't been sleeping well. I get scared at night. So...I know this is awkward and I don't want to make it weird. But...I don't know who else to turn to," my voice almost freezes on me as I finish speaking, my breath catching in my throat. Bet I look like a beaten dog right now, or a frightened animal. Fuck I hate this.

"Can...can I stay with you two tonight?" I plead, feeling my heart clench like jagged teeth are biting into it.

Before I can take another breath, the two of them scoot their chairs closer and...just hold me.

"Of course Kallen." "We'd never turn you away."

...Is this what a dam breaking feels like? Like a rush of water just flowing out? That's kinda how I feel right now, just letting myself collapse in their arms. It feels...like something I really needed.

"Thank you.." I sniffle out, just enjoying the warmth and closeness.

After a minute or so, Leloucia reaches to the center of the table, lifting the lid off the pot she brought in earlier. A cloud of steam blooms from the pot as the scent of something delicious fills the room.

"Polpo alla luciana. Neapolitan stewed octopus. I know it's not Japanese cuisine but I thought it would be close to a taste of ho-" I interrupt her with a hug around her ribs as I shake my head in the negative.

"No, it's..it's fine. Thanks Lulu. It smells great."

Maybe..maybe things will get better.