A/N: Sorry, I would've updated sooner, but I had exams. Now that they're over life can be good again. For now.
Chapter 2: Of Banter, Beatings and Breakthroughs
Link, Zelda and Ruto were all chilling out back at the tiny structure that they called HQ. Ruto was sipping on a peach wine cooler, while Zelda and Link stayed to the safer Pepsi. Always sober on the job, they were ready to spring into action.
"So, how are we searching for this guy? Secret archives?" Ruto inquired.
"Well, maybe later. For now, we're just going to Google him," responded Link.
"Do you really think that will turn up any results?" asked Ruto.
"Well, wouldn't you hit yourself if you searched thousands of databases that required time, skill and effort to find information you could just Google for?" answered Zelda… with another question.
"I guess you're right," sighed Ruto.
"Now let's see… Vaati, V-A-T-I. Loading… ahh, here we are. Why are all these German sites coming up?" pondered Link.
"I think Vati is the informal version of 'father' in German," answered Zelda.
"Are you sure it's spelled correctly?" asked Ruto.
"Not a clue," admitted Link.
"Try it with two 'a's," suggested Zelda.
"Who spells their name with two 'a's?" asked Link (A/N No, my name doesn't have two straight "a"s in it).
"People named Aaron," replied Zelda.
"Yeah, no disrespect, but that was a pretty stupid question," snickered Ruto.
"Come on, he wasn't thinking. People shut their brains off all the time," retorted Zelda.
"That's why I said, 'no disrespect'," defended Ruto.
"What's that supposed to mean?" shot Zelda, a hint of anger rising in her voice.
"How many Pepsis have you had?" asked Ruto.
"Just one," snapped Zelda.
"Coffees?" prodded Ruto.
"Umm… ten," admitted Zelda, quickly adding, "but they weren't very roasted."
"Roasting actually gets rid of caffeine," stated Ruto.
"Umm… shut up," quipped Zelda.
"Are you done yet? I think I found something," Link interrupted.
"What?" pried Ruto and Zelda simultaneously.
"Here it is, 'Vaati found not guilty of attempting to kidnap Rauru. Sources were baffled at how he could get off when evidence was overwhelming against him. The most suspicious part is that this came so soon after he was found not guilty of kidnapping Mido of the Kokiri,' well, I'd say we're dealing with a pro," observed Link.
"Does he have a last name?" asked Zelda rhetorically.
"I don't," responded Link flatly.
"Neither do I," concurred Ruto.
"Riiiiiiiight," realized Zelda, "only my family and I have a last name."
"So, where do we find this guy?" asked Ruto.
"It doesn't say. I guess now we have to search deeper. I'll open up Hyrule's address database and search," answered Link, inserting a CD-R. An icon appeared on the screen. Link clicked it. A Dos-prompt-like screen flickered before his eyes. He clicked another icon and a text box appeared with the caption "find" in front of it. He typed in "Vaati" and waited. A few seconds went by. Then a few more. Then, finally, a single link appeared. Link paused for a few seconds.
"The link, click Link," blurted Ruto.
"What?" exclaimed Link.
"Click yourself!" babbled Ruto.
"What are you on about?" asked Link with a hint of coyness.
"Sorry," Ruto shook her head vigorously, "Link, click the link."
"Ahh… okay," grinned Link.
"I think I'm done," commented Ruto, putting down her wine glass.
"Wow, you're drunk, Zelda's on caffeine rush. If only there was some way you could swap intoxicants," murmured Link. Then he started grinning. A huge grin. As the girls realized what he meant, they both gave him a smack on the head. "What?" he asked slyly, "trade blood."
"That's not what you meant," countered Zelda.
"Yeah, but if I said what I meant all the time, I'd be dead by now," Link chuckled. Then he doubled over from the sharp pain in his groin.
"You're right, that is fun," remarked Zelda to Ruto.
"Why does everyone I love hurt me?" asked Link.
"Malon never hurt you," answered Zelda.
Link held out his arm to reveal a small, round scar, "Here's where she shot me with a nail gun. We were repairing the barn and I ran in front of her just as she shot."
"Saria," challenged Ruto.
"When we were younger, okay, when I was younger, she and I got into a fight and she pushed me into the mud," countered Link.
"Well that doesn't really count," explained Ruto.
"It hurt, therefore she hurt me," defended
"What about Navi?" asked Zelda.
"When we first met, she smacked me awake," revealed Link.
"Nabooru?" asked Ruto.
"We're really just friends," stated Link.
"What about the others? They weren't just friends? Is there something you're not telling me?" accused Zelda jokingly.
"I guess you're right," dodged Link, "and we do fight constantly. Not just arguing, we never do that, no, we actually fight. We've torn down buildings to beat each other up."
"I guess that's true. I learned that high dropkick I used in the fight from her," remarked Zelda.
"Okay, fine, you're right," submitted Ruto, "now let's get on with this."
"Right, the me," remembered Link, clicking his e-namesake. An address popped up: 369 Raven Crescent.
"What a crappy name for a street," commented Zelda.
"Yes, whoever came up with that name must have been either stoned or stupid," agreed Ruto.
"Actually, I've noticed that all the things that have happened to us in the past day have seemed like something out of a poorly written story," pointed out Link.
"So how do we get to this place?" asked Ruto.
"By car," deadpanned Zelda.
"Very funny," returned Ruto.
"I thought it was," responded Zelda.
"We just start north and take three left turns until we're there," said Link, shedding light on the situation.
"Right then, let's go," said Ruto, giving the "Right then" a faux John Cleese Gumby scream.
"Fine, but you're not driving," said Link.
"What? Something wrong with my driving?" asked Ruto.
"You're drunk," said Link.
"And you're ugly," said Ruto, taking another sip, "wait. Now you're not."
"I'll drive," said Zelda.
"Fine by me," said Link.
"Shotgun!" exclaimed Ruto.
They all piled in the car, and drove to 369 Raven Crescent. It was a slightly large house, not at all resembling the giant mansion with a sign that said "Vaati Industries, we kidnap for money". What kind of author would I be if I wrote that? They argued about which door to enter, but elected on the front on the basis that a car with three arguing people was a bit of a dead giveaway to start. They walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell to give the illusion of normality.
They listened and eventually heard footsteps. The footsteps got louder and louder until they heard them stop right outside the door. They heard the bolt slide, and saw the door open. A fairly small albino man with long white hair stood at the door in jeans and a t-shirt that said "Save Mott the Hoople" and spoke. "What do you guys want?" he asked.
"Are you Vaati?" asked Link.
"Sure. Who wants to know?" asked Vaati.
"Link, Hyrule Independent Protection Agengy," said Link, "We've traced you back to the kidnapping of one King Zora."
"Oh, geez. Not with the kidnappings again," said Vaati exasperatedly, "The court verdict reads innocent. I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T!"
"Look, don't screw with me. Getting all angry and trying to turn the fault on me isn't going to solve anything. One of your hired men told us your name," said Link.
"Really? What was his name?" asked Vaati.
"It was—" began Ruto.
"We're not going to reveal that! What kind of idiots do you think we are?" demanded Link.
"Hey, I almost gave it away!" said Ruto, "What does that make me?"
"Not a private gun," said Zelda.
"Look, I'm a relatively famous guy among kidnappers, what with the false charges et cetera. Do you not think my name would a common fake one to utter?" asked Vaati.
"He's got a point," said Zelda.
"Okay, how about this: We've got a polygraph machine back at HQ. If you could take a test, your name would be cleared forever. If, that is, you pass," offered Link.
"Well, I've got nothing to hide. I'll do it," said Vaati.
They all stepped into the car and drove back to HQ. When they got there, they hooked Vaati into the machine. "Is your name Vaati?" asked Zelda.
"Yes," answered Vaati. Ding!
"Are you currently wearing a shirt that says, 'Save Mott the Hoople'?" asked Link.
"Yes." Ding!
"Am I a Zoran princess?" asked Ruto.
"Yes." Ding!
"Did you kidnap one Mido of the Kokiris?" asked Link.
"Yes." Ding! "But it was a really screwed up time in my life. And I never kidnapped Rauru." Ding!
"Did you kidnap my father?" asked Ruto.
There was a long pause, and finally, "No. Never." Ding!
Ruto's eyes widened with a combination of relief and disappointment. The issue was not yet resolved, but she always liked to believe the best about people. The man sitting in front of her was not a horrible person who brought pain and misery on her family.
"You're good to go then. Sorry about the confusion. I guess it's back to square one," said Link.
"Not quite," said Vaati.
"How so?" asked Ruto eagerly, "Do you know who did it?"
"No," said Vaati, "But I want revenge on whatever douche bag used my name as a scapegoat. And I have connections."
"That's great news," said Zelda, "Welcome to our temporary dysfunctional family."
End auf der chapter
A/N: Sorry for the long pause in between chapters. To be honest, I'm just not very productive. Oh well, I've got a three day weekend and a creative side that needs to be fed. Until then, this is das Klöner signing out.