Less than an hour after the incident at the lodge, Aelius arrived with Ash, Gael and the three other Dead Horses at the Sorrows camp. Thankfully, it was an uneventful journey the rest of the way with no dangerous animals lurking around the corners or hostile tribes people. Ash hardly spoke during the walk, keeping her eyes averted to the ground or ahead of them. No doubt she was still feeling the shock of what they had just gone through, but Aelius could sense that there was something else… a sense of humiliation possibly, judging by her demeanour. His instinct told him there was something else that was bothering her, though he refused to press her into speaking about something she might not be ready for; he knew that when the time was right she would let him know what was going through her mind… He was simply relieved that they got through the whole issue about the misunderstanding earlier in the day.
Upon arrival, Ash and Gael were warmly greeted by Dawn and Joshua while Mary pulled Aelius aside to tend to the wound he sustained from fighting off the yao guai. Dawn was the most surprised to see them, especially given how things ended on an unpleasant note between her and her daughter.
"Here, let me take a look at that", Mary pulled up a chair for Aelius so she could get to work on his shoulder while the others proceeded to the centre of the camp.
"I'll be fine, Ash already disinfected the bite with some alcohol", he added, but Mary wasn't in the mood to argue. When she unwound the bandages around his shoulder, she was taken aback with the size of it.
"That must have been some beast you came across", she muttered, taking out one of her small medicine bowls and mixed up a herb paste with hot water, "What happened out there?"
"Came across a yao guai", Aelius replied, "I guess it didn't appreciate us wandering into its territory".
"No, they don't tend to like having unannounced guests", Mary smiled, taking small amounts of the medicinal paste and applied it where the animal's teeth had sunk into his flesh, "Want to talk about what really happened?"
"What do you mean?" Aelius asked hesitantly.
"I know Ash and Dawn had an argument before you both left some months ago… one which has made Ash avoid all contact with Dawn. Joshua also mentioned that she didn't even greet him when he and his men arrived at the Dead Horses camp after several days of scouting White Leg movements", her gaze darted to Joshua, who was busy trying to make himself useful in getting Ash and Gael something to eat and drink. He looked a little lost and awkward around the women, which made Mary grin internally. There he was, a once ruthless man who commanded armies of devout and merciless Legionary soldiers, now unsure of whether he should sit or stand with his aunt and cousin; it amused Mary to no end.
"Yeah… I remember that night", Aelius nodded while Mary applied the medicine.
"Don't take my words the wrong way, we are extremely glad you have come", Mary added as she worked, pulling out a fresh set of bandages and gauze from her doctor's bag to wrap around his shoulder, "But I can't help wonder whether you have both returned because Ash had a change of heart, or something happened at the Dead Horses. Is everything alright back at camp?"
"Everything's fine, but… it's a bit of a long story", Aelius exhaled, wondering whether to let her in on what really happened, "A misunderstanding, to be precise".
Mary slowed her work, a concerned frown creeping on her features, "What kind of misunderstanding?"
Aelius shifted in his seat, a wave of discomfiture flowing through him at the thought of revealing the how's and the whys of their appearance; he wondered whether it was even his place to say what had happened. His gaze shifted to Ash, who was with her family in the middle of the camp taking the first steps in reconciling matters with her mother who appeared teary eyed but happy to see her only child again; he remembered how embarrassed Ash was on their final trek here.
He shrugged uncertainly in response, choosing to remain silent.
Perceptive in her observation of his body language while she finished her work on his shoulder, Mary knew better than to press the matter.
"You're all done", she commented, handing him a sealed glass jar filled with a light green powder of dried medicinal herbs and instructed him how to use it to help his wound heal and remain free of infections.
"Thank you, Mary", he replied, taking the cold glass container in his palm and holding it securely; medicine in these parts was hard to come by and the last thing he wanted was to suffer with sepsis. He'd seen first-hand what a simple cut could do, given time, to even the healthiest and strongest of men. Without further discourse, both he and Mary joined the others in the middle of the camp; Aelius went straight to Ash's side and joined her at the bench, greeting Joshua and Dawn before he sat himself down.
"How are you doing dear?" Dawn's piercing gaze focused on him and Aelius noticed her eyes fixate on his injured shoulder, "Are you in any pain?"
"I'm much better now ma'am, thanks to Mary here", he nodded in appreciation toward Mary, who smiled back and poured him a glass of sweet and crisp blackberry juice.
"That's a relief to hear", Dawn exhaled, pulling her shawl over her shoulders as a cool breeze drifted through the camp, "Ash was just telling us how you fought off that terrifying beast near that old cabin. I shudder to think what would have happened had she been travelling on her own".
'She hasn't told them what really happened', he realised, his blue gaze turning to Ash beside him; by the slight slump in her shoulders and inability to move her gaze away from the drink in her hands, he could tell she was uncomfortable.
"Me too…", he answered, turning his attention back to their hosts, "But we're here now, safe and sound. That's all that matters".
A wave of nods from everyone seated at the bench echoed his sentiment. It didn't matter to Aelius that Ash preferred to keep the real reasons as to why they'd arrived at the Sorrows a secret; all he really wanted was for Ash and Gael to be safe. Just as Dawn was about to poke and prod them with more questions, the group was called for the evening meal and thankfully diverted attention away from them. Aelius didn't know how long they planned on staying, but hoped that Ash's worries were finally put to rest.
There is something about breaking away from a routine that not only feels incredibly refreshing and freeing, but it also helps one gain a certain amount of perspective on how their life is progressing. A routine was not something Ash actively enjoyed; this she already knew. Though now that she and her son were safe in the Sorrows camp and there was time to collect her thoughts about what had happened over the past several weeks, leaving the Dead Horses as abruptly as she did made Ash realise something about her character – she always seemed to expect the worst to happen in any given situation, whether that was with her relationship with her parents, her husband, and now Aelius - experience had taught her to be wary of sinking all of her trust into people she admired or loved. Life also taught her that good things don't last forever, and unfortunately it left her somewhat paranoid, worrying about things that may or may not happen. She didn't know if this trait of hers would ever resolve itself or if she was doomed to feel like this forever, but after the adventure they had today she was glad to be proven wrong.
"Here, you must be hungry", Aelius said, gently handing Ash a bowl of vegetable stew as he took a seat next to her on the bench. They were sat some distance away from the others, an ideal spot to have a more intimate conversation.
"Thank you", Ash replied, breathing in the savoury aroma of the contents in her bowl and feeling her stomach grumble in anticipation, "Smells good".
Aelius nodded, already making a start on his dinner. The sun had set about a quarter of an hour ago but it still coloured the sky in incredibly vivid hues of blue, purple, pink and orange as they looked at the horizon, with a gentle breeze carrying the sweet smell of wild flowers mixed with cooking food flowing through the camp.
"And thank you…for not telling them", Ash's pensive gaze fell on him, making Aelius feel comforted in knowing he interpreted Ash's nonverbal suggestions correctly. He knew that if she wanted to tell her family about what had happened, she would… but he wasn't accustomed to keeping secrets. They would have to have this discussion one day, but now was not the time.
"Gael is happy to see his grandmother again", Aelius commented with a smile, looking over at her son who was happily engrossed in a story Dawn was telling him; no doubt one of the stories she'd heard when she was a child.
"Yeah… He loves his gran nana", Ash smiled, remembering how she'd tried to correct him that he's supposed to say grandma but he insisted on giving Dawn the nickname 'gran nana'.
"Hmm", Aelius grinned, his gaze focused on Ash and how the light from the campfire highlighted her attractive features in an iridescent golden hue. Her long mahogany coloured hair that cascaded in soft waves over her right shoulder had a prominent reddish hue to it, almost auburn in the golden light and showed off her high cheekbones, elegant neck that lead down to her appealingly chiselled clavicle. Aelius couldn't help but be taken in by her appearance and the thought of them going through the bonding ceremony made his heart skip a beat.
"There are times I wonder whether having him with us at the Dead Horses camp is a good thing", she mused out loud, her soft gaze not leaving her son's direction, "We're so close to the White Legs there, it feels as if we run into trouble with them almost every day".
"If you're worried about Gael, maybe you should both stay here with the Sorrows", he suggested, eliciting a startled look from Ash, "Just until our problem with the White Legs simmers down", he added.
"But… that would mean we'd be apart", she added hesitantly, giving her head a shake.
"Not necessarily", Aelius gave her a reassuring smile, "I would come by every day".
"That's at least a three hour walk a day!" Ash exclaimed, "And anything could happen in that time, just like -", her voice broke and Aelius could see she was beginning to get upset.
"What's wrong?" he asked in a soft voice, abandoning his plate to move and sit beside her. He placed his arm around her waist and pulling her closer to him.
Ash shook her head, wiping away tears that refused to be quelled, "I just can't stop thinking about today… I almost lost everything because I was so…so stupid".
"Hey, you're not stupid", Aelius countered. Knowing that she didn't like to be seen in a state, he gently pulled her into a hug and let her cry softly in his embrace, hiding her from any curious glances that may have strayed their way.
"Yes I am, I almost got myself and my son killed", she whispered shakily and Aelius could feel her body quivering, "It was so, so fucking stupid… I should have stayed at the camp, should have admitted to you what I saw at the river…".
"It's alright Ash, we're alive and safe, and that yao guai isn't going to bother anyone else", Aelius caressed the back of her head, "Though I won't disagree with you on the being honest with me bit".
Ash exhaled a relieved chuckle.
"Ash, you can talk to me about anything, whenever you want", he continued, "If you feel or think there's something wrong, come talk to me. If you feel I'm being distant or not paying enough attention to you or Gael, tell me. I know I can sometimes drift off within my own thoughts, sometimes I get carried away with trying to do more than I can handle and that can make me be a bit distant at times. But I am here for you two always and whenever you want or need me… You just say the word, I'm at your beck and call".
"I know", her voice trailed off with her distant look, "Though, sometimes… I kinda wish you would talk to me more".
"About what?", he asked curiously.
"Anything", she looked up at him, her eyes slightly red from the tears, "Sometimes I feel like I don't really know enough about you…don't know you as much as you know me".
"Hmm…", he sighed in agreement, knowing she was probably right, "Truth is…there's nothing much for me to say…".
"I know that's not true", Ash replied, lightly pulling away from his embrace now that she'd stopped tearing up.
Even though he wasn't proud of his history, he knew that sooner or later she would ask, wanting to know him as much as anyone could know a person; so, in part to quell her need to know him better and to distract her mind from dwelling on the events that had happened that day, he decided to recount the memories he was able to recollect of his life before the Legion, his memories of his father before he was killed by the Legion for trying to rescue him and his family. He also spoke about what happened after that, sparing Ash of as much unpleasant details as he could from his time in the Legion and going through intense and brutal training, not wanting to burden her with more unpleasantness. He focused mostly on what he did as a Legionary Prime, the places he explored, fascinating things he'd seen that many men would never witnessed in their lifetimes, including a moment when he and his patrol encountered a Deathclaw clan in the inhospitable wastes of the desert. This especially seemed to pique Ash's interest.
"You mean to tell me there are clans out there that use Deathclaws?!"
"Yeah", Aelius nodded with a chuckle, "They even ride them into battle against their enemies".
"That's… incredible", Ash's eyes were wide with wonder, a small daring part of her wishing she had a Deathclaw of her own, "I'm guessing the Legion didn't manage to sway them to join up, let alone capture them?"
"No", Aelius smiled and shook his head, "Especially seeing as the clan was only made up of women".
"Maybe the men were off doing something else?" Ash suggested, wondering how a faction of only women could survive in the harsh wastes.
"We thought that too, until we were told by their leader, the Matriarch, that they refuse to have men in their clan. Apparently men…complicate matters for them".
Ash shook her head, an incredulous look on her lovely features, "Wow… Kind of wish I could have met them".
Aelius glanced at her uncertainly, "You do? … I hope it's not because you think I complicate matters for you", he asked somewhat jokingly.
Ash couldn't hold her laughter back, "No. They just sound fascinating. Mostly because I've never seen anyone tame, let alone ride a Deathclaw. That would be a sight to see".
"Yes, it was", Aelius grinned, "You can imagine the Prime Decanus' annoyance when he heard the Matriarch of the clan, a serious looking veteran warrior woman as tall as he in stature, state very matter-of-factly that they had absolutely no men because they were…frustrating to deal with and too hot headed. And that they didn't intend on changing their minds anytime soon, no matter what promises he made about the Legion".
"I can't imagine any Legionary would stand for those kinds of outrageous comments from a lowly woman", Ash added sardonically, "Guessing you didn't stay long".
Aelius nodded, "Left very shortly after that, didn't want to risk meddling with a clan that could rip us to shreds if they so wished".
"What happened after?"
"Well, after… You already know", Aelius answered, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, "We were on our way back when we came across…"
"Me", Ash completed his sentence in a faraway and sombre tone, "Hmm… Yeah… I guess I know the rest".
Silence spread between them as they both reminisced over the events of that day and the hardships they had to overcome in the weeks and months to get to where they were now.
"There's one more thing I wanted to know", Ash said.
"What's that?"
"How old are you?" she asked curiously.
Aelius chuckled, trying to remember when his last birthday was, "This year I turned 28. How old are you?"
"Oh, you don't ask a lady her age", Ash teased him, making him chuckle, "I will turn 31 in the fall".
"So… Your turn now", Aelius added, "Tell me about your history".
Ash's heart quickened and she wondered where to start, "Uh…sure… What do you want to know?"
"Well… How about before you left New Canaan? I know you mentioned it once, but I don't think you told me what made you decide to leave".
Memories of Ash's old life in New Canaan, her home that was destroyed not long ago by White Legs, came rushing back. She shifted in her seat, getting comfortable before recounting it. Since she could remember, Ash never quite felt that she fit in with the rest of the New Canaanites; and being the only daughter of the leader of their people certainly came with its own drawbacks, such as being expected to behave a certain way, to follow in their family's footsteps, obey without question and socially she wasn't able to make any lasting friendships; not for lack of trying. She couldn't live like that and so when she was 18 years of age she packed her belongings and joined a caravan crew that passed through New Canaan to trade. Although her family did not approve of her choice to leave, they did not prohibit her from departing…instead, they hoped that if she worked some time with the caravan traders, got to explore the world a little that her restlessness would abate. However, the opposite happened. The more she saw of the world, the more she felt like she needed to find the place where she belonged.
"And you found it in New Vegas?" Aelius asked curiously.
"Hmph… I thought I did", Ash answered, thinking back on the day, "I found something, or rather someone… but to this day I don't think that New Vegas, or anything around it, is the place for me".
She recounted the memories of meeting her to-be husband when her caravan was attacked by the Viper gang, feeling somewhat awkward telling him about Gunner, her first love and the father of her child.
"He must have been a remarkable man to win you over", Aelius added, part of him wondering whether he would ever be able to measure up to Ash's departed husband.
"Yeah, uh… he was something", Ash answered hesitantly, recalling the many spats of arguments they had during that time about his drug and alcohol abuse, and eventually finding out that he was unfaithful to her… but she hesitated to disclose that part of her history with her husband.
"What happened to him?... If you don't mind me asking?" he noticed his question made Ash's body language shift; although she made an almost successful attempt to hide a wince.
"He… I was told by his colleagues that he got captured by Legionary soldiers…at a place called Nelson", she mustered, feeling a lump growing in her throat.
"…I'm sorry", Aelius' gaze softened, "I'm guessing by your tone that he… didn't manage to escape".
Ash didn't know what to say… she simply sat in silence and shrugged her shoulders, unable to meet his gaze. Knowing how many times the Legion attacked NCR territories, Ash knew that the probability of survival for those involved, civilian and military alike, was low… but what gnawed at her was that, although she was informed of her husband's capture, she never received the personal death notification letter.
"I left shortly after getting the news", she added, "Packed up most of Gael's and my things with the intent of coming back to New Canaan. The rest… well, we've gone through it all together".
Aelius shook his head in wonder, "I still can't get over how we escaped… We were incredibly fortunate; if those cannibals hadn't attacked when then did… I don't even want to think what would have happened to us".
Despite the pain and torture she endured from Aelius' former faction, she knew she was lucky that he wasn't depraved and malicious like them; in fact, he was the polar opposite.
"I'm just glad that you were there when we needed you most", she reached over and touched his arm softly, "And… About today…"
Aelius shook his head, "Best left forgotten".
"No, I made a mistake today. A big one. I will admit I royally, well and truly, fucked up", Ash scoffed at herself and rolled her eyes when the memory came rushing back to her, how utterly ridiculous it all seemed now, "I should have come to you with my concerns, but I let bad judgement from past experience take over and instead I shut you out. I should have known better, should have realised long ago that you're…you're not like Gunner".
"I don't understand", Aelius' brow furrowed in confusion.
Ash heaved a heavy sigh and interlocked her fingers with his, her thumb lightly caressing a pale scar on the back of his hand, "I didn't tell you the whole story about us", she began, taking a moment to compose her words as she didn't want to speak ill of the dead but knew she needed to say the truth, "My husband was a good man…at least, he was when I first met him. We were both young and full of hope for our future…sometimes I wonder what our lives would have been like if he wasn't sent to Bittersprings".
Aelius didn't like where this was going, but he didn't want to interrupt her so allowed her a moment to compose herself before continuing.
"After he returned, he was…different. More distant with me and Gael… I tried to talk to him, to get him help but…", Ash shook her head, "He found other ways of dealing with whatever pain or emotions that were manifested by that day. It started with drinking, then quickly moved on to drugs…that was the scariest period in our lives. There were days where he seemed to be doing alright, getting back on his feet, then something would happen and he would be gone for days. I didn't know whether he would just come walking through the door one day having done a double or triple shift, or if I would find him inebriated and high off his face somewhere in Freeside on my way to work".
This was another side to Ash's life that Aelius didn't know about and it broke his heart to hear that things were strained for her and Gael. He knew it was naïve of him to think this way, but in his mind he pictured them both in an idyllic setting, only to find that she'd had to go through these things that a young woman with a small child shouldn't have to. All he could do was give her hand a reassuring squeeze. Hearing this side of her life made things start to make sense about some of her brash actions.
"I'm sorry to hear that Ash… Wish there was something I could do to change things".
Ash laughed inadvertently, wiping some of the tears that were welling up in her eyes, "Yeah, me too, but when I think about the other families living in the wasteland, all things considered… I had it pretty good", she sighed and looked into his eyes, "The world is broken and we all inevitably get scarred by what life throws at us. What matters is how we get through it and try to make life a bit better for our children".
Aelius nodded in agreement, gazing into her beautifully bright eyes as he stroked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "I want you to know that I will do anything for you and Gael, Ash. I will be with you for as long as you want me, and I promise to always be honest with you both. You two are my anchor in this life, my drive and purpose in this… 'broken world' as you rightly described it".
"Don't", Ash shook her head, "Don't say that. You don't know what will happen, what things wait for us in the future".
Aelius leaned in closer to her, changing his tone to reflect the significance of his words, "I know that for as long as I am alive, I want to be with you Ash. You and Gael have become my family. Whatever happens in the future, I will always be there by your side; through thick and thin".
The corners of Ash's lips curved up in a warm smile and Aelius wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his chest.
"You're something else, y'know that?" she said, hooking her arm around his waist and listening to the steady drum of his heartbeat through his shirt.
"So are you", Aelius smiled softly, "It's never a dull moment with you by my side. You always know how to keep me on my toes".
Ash chuckled softly and nodded.
They sat in silence for several moments on the bench, watching the activity in the middle of the camp and Gael play with the other children of the Sorrows tribe while the rest of the adults went about their daily chores. It was at this moment that Aelius realised no matter how important the secrecy of the bonding ceremony is with the Dead Horses, he had to let Ash know about it.
"It's a good thing we've had a chance to talk about these things", he said, his voice somewhat strained and his hands going clammy at the prospect of revealing his plans to Ash.
"Hmm", Ash sighed next to him.
"I do have something…important…to say though", he continued, feeling Ash pull away slightly from his embrace so her gaze could reach him.
"What's that?"
"Well, it's about this morning", he shifted in his seat, turning to face Ash but feeling so nervous that it was hard for him to keep a steady gaze on her, "The reason why I was with Smiling Flower close to those caves today is…is because… I was planning the bonding ceremony for us", he stammered. His heart was racing so fast in his chest he hardly heard the words that came out of his mouth, and from the look on Ash's face she was just as stunned as he was with this revelation.
"The bonding ceremony?" Ash's eyes widened.
"Yes", Aelius answered, not realising he was holding his breath in.
"I… Don't understand", Ash shook her head.
"It's uh…well, it's the Dead Horses ceremony for…marriage", he added, watching her unwavering expression. After an unnervingly quiet moment, she gave a shake of her head and pulled away from him. The act itself made his heart sink.
"I can't, Aelius… I… No, I'm sorry".
"Why?" Aelius pressed, his mind swimming with possible ways he could save this scenario. Ultimately he knew that this was all up to Ash and that if she had already made up her mind on this matter, there was not much he could do or say to change her mind.
"Because!" Ash blurted out and her cheeks went red, "Because… Because, look what a mess my previous marriage turned out to be. I don't think I could go through something like that again".
"That's not going to happen with us", Aelius answered in a consoling and convinced tone, "I'm not like him and will never put you or Gael in a situation like that".
Ash shook her head but he could see tears welling up in her eyes again, "No, you're not like him, but neither of us knows what will happen in the future, what events might drive us to drift apart. And if that happens, it'll be even harder on me and Gael".
Aelius had no answer for that; no one could be certain what was going to happen in the future, but he knew that what he felt for her, for the little family they have become…he never wanted to lose that.
"I don't know what will happen in the weeks, months or years to come. I just know I love you, I want to be with you, and I can promise that feeling and desire will endure the test of time. You and Gael are my priority and that will never change".
Ash's features softened, but her body was still stiff and there was something holding her back, "Don't make promises you can't keep".
Aelius couldn't help but let out a frustrated laugh.
"It's not funny, I've seen it happen and I've lived through it. People change, circumstances change. One day you may not feel the way you do", Ash added, a real concern in her eyes.
Aelius knew what this was about, and he had to find a way to quell her insecure thoughts or risk them spreading.
"Ash, I'm not Gunner", Aelius leaned in, taking hold of her hand and gazing deeply into her eyes, "It's not fair that you're comparing me with him. Since the day we met we've both been through thick and thin together. And even though I've been witness and a part to the atrocities that the Legion have spread across the wasteland, I've not once let it define me… I know I can't undo the actions of my past, but maybe I can still do some good with what's left of my life; this includes my life with you and Gael", he concluded, taking in a deep breath. Ash had sat beside him quietly absorbing his words, and it was her time to speak.
"You're right", she gave a curt nod, "It's not fair of me to compare either one of you… you're both two completely different people; but, you have to understand my position. It's not just my bad experience with Gunner that's influencing the way I see things, but knowing what kind of person I am".
"I don't see why that would hold us back".
Ash exhaled in frustration, "Seriously? I'm brash, impatient, I rush to my own conclusions, and as my own mother has pointed out so many times - I'm more stubborn that a damn big horner. Not great qualities when it comes to someone you're thinking of spending your life with".
"So what? I've seen those sides to you and it doesn't bother me", he grinned.
"I'm being serious Aelius", Ash insisted, only exasperating his amusement and making him chuckle.
"So am I", he insisted, "Together we make one normal person – you with your stubbornness, impatience and hot headedness, and me with my level head, persistence and flexibility. We complement each other nicely".
"We're polar opposites Aelius", Ash looked at him as if he were joking, "Don't think it counts as complementing each other".
"It's worked for us so far", Aelius smiled warmly at her, "When you get caught up in something, I help ground you; when I'm too loose or in my own world you bring out the fire in me. It works Ash. We both have our own flaws but what person doesn't? It's all about finding the one who helps bring the best in you, and for me that's you, and only you".
Ash sighed but couldn't help resisting his infectious smile, finding the corners of her lips curving upwards and Aelius noticed.
"I can see that you know I'm telling the truth", he added with a cheeky grin; it was a relief to him that he could diffuse the seriousness of their discussion and to hone it back to the topic on both of them rather than focusing on the unlikely negative scenarios.
"Why do you wanna do this anyway?" Ash asked out of curiosity, "You know wanting to marry me means you're kinda crazy, right?"
"Thought you already knew that", Aelius's response made he laugh, "I wanted to ask you for some time. I've seen that it is the next step in a relationship to show that you really do love each other… and I want that, for us. There's no one else I'd rather be with".
Though still hesitant with giving him an answer, Ash knew she felt the same way for him; and despite her previous marriage ending the way it did, she was beginning to open up to the possibility of seeing their lives as a joined couple.
"You don't have to give me an answer now", Aelius inched closer to her, interlocking his fingers with hers, "It's something to think about. But I just wanted you to know what I was thinking and what future I see for us…even if we decide not to go through the bonding ceremony".
"I'm just glad you told me rather than going ahead with the ceremony and surprising me on the day", Ash chuckled nervously, imagining what a train wreck that could have turned out to be.
Aelius's smile waned and he nodded in agreement, "Yeah… me too".
"Well… Looks like I've got a lot to think about", she mirrored his smile; now that they had aired their concerns and worries in the open, Ash found the silence between them somewhat unsettling. Aelius wasn't much of a talker – in fact this was the most they had spoken in a week, but now that the conversation stopped she felt that the weight of the decision fell on her. All she could think about was how it felt like she had somehow disappointed him again.
As it was a long walk to get back to the Dead Horses camp, Ash and Aelius decided to spend the evening with her family and the Sorrows tribe, who were incredibly accommodating and eager to spend more time with them.
While the others were getting ready to settle down for the night, Ash felt restless and tense. She decided that taking some time to herself away from the others might help and took a walk following an old world hiking trail, settling herself down at an old wooden bench overlooking the Canyonlands below. The sun had set some hours ago and the sky above was a crystal clear deep navy on the horizon blending seamlessly to black right above her head. Craning her head up to observe the beautiful sky above her, Ash marvelled at the twinkling stars that blanketed the dark velvety heavens. She sat in silence for what felt like a long while before she heard the faint scraping of boots on the path behind her. Turning round to see who could have followed her up the trail, she was relieved to see it was Mary.
"Are you welcoming a friendly visitor?" Mary's voice called out, moving to stand a few paces away from the bench.
Ash nodded and tapped on the free space beside her.
Mary took a seat beside and exhaled as if she had just released the weight of the world off her shoulders.
"You alright?" Ash asked curiously.
"Yes, just having trouble getting to sleep", Mary answered with a smile, pulling back her long sandy blonde hair into a ponytail, "It's been a long day".
"You could say that again", Ash exhaled, and both women exchanged knowing looks of amusement, "I uh…I'm sorry I couldn't be here to congratulation you in person when we found out you and Joshua are expecting".
Mary waved a hand to show she wasn't dismayed, "Oh don't fret over that. It's not like it's big news anyway".
"Of course it is", Ash replied, her voice slightly higher in pitch to match her surprise at Mary's response, "It's big news! And for what it's worth, I think you'll make an amazing mother".
"Thank you Ash, that means a lot", Mary smiled warmly and reclined back on the bench to watch the stars with her for a few silent moments, "So… something keeping you up or you just like looking up at the night sky?"
The truth caught in Ash's mouth and her eyes betrayed her thoughts.
"Maybe I shouldn't have asked-"
"No, no!" Ash interrupted her, "It's fine, I was just caught off guard". Ash knew she shouldn't have been surprised by Mary's question; she was an uncannily perceptive woman. "Actually, I'm… I'm kind of glad you asked".
"You don't have to answer Ash, I know that you're a private person. I just wanted to make sure you're okay".
If there was anyone who Ash could trust to keep a secret, it was Mary, and Ash knew she needed someone to talk to about the matters that were simmering in her mind; what better person to get another perspective from than Mary?
"I'm alright, but a lot has happened since we last saw each other that I feel like if I say something…I wouldn't even know where to start", Ash began, taking a moment to compose her thoughts.
"Well, let's start with what's been bothering you", Mary added, examining Ash's features for clues.
She began with the rising anxiety she was experiencing on a daily basis with the preparations and training to thwart any White Leg attacks at the Dead Horses camp, the distance and strain it was putting on her and Aelius, including the misunderstanding that had occurred that morning that made Ash pack up and hike her way to the Sorrows with Gael in tow. As she was explaining her situation, she could see the worry lines around Mary's eyes and her forehead deepen.
"Ash, why didn't you mention all this before? We could have helped".
"I didn't want help from anyone…at the time", Ash's shoulders slumped, "I wanted to handle things on my own. And I'll admit, I've been naïve in thinking that the situation with the White Legs will resolve itself over time… I've been hoping that they would be thwarted by other tribes or just give up, but… instead they've become more dangerous".
Mary nodded solemnly, "We've been getting word back from other tribes that have been attacked... It seems to be getting worse. Joshua and some of the other Sorrows warriors have been trying to keep them busy, though unless we can find a way to reason with the White Legs I'm afraid this will continue to escalate".
"I sometimes think that, with everything going on, maybe… maybe it was a mistake to go and live with the Dead Horses", Ash painfully bit her lower lip, a sense of guilt building within her as she knew that they'd moved there because of her.
"You couldn't have predicted how things were going to go", Mary offered her some solace, "None of us knew it would get to this point. The White Legs seem to be unusually persistent. But if you feel it's no longer safe there for the three of you, there's plenty of room here with the Sorrows. It's also further away from their main camp and in a better, more secluded location, so you'll be a lot safer".
"To be honest…we have been thinking about it", Ash began, "But if we did decided to go down that path it would be just Gael and maybe myself moving here, not Aelius".
"I don't understand", Mary cocked her head to the side, her brow furrowed with confusion.
"Aelius wants to stay with the Dead Horses and continue to help them; he's dead set on getting them ready for any fight that might come up and there's not much I can do to change his mind", Ash heaved a heavy sigh.
"I see", Mary's gaze drifted ahead as her mind tried to think of a solution or something to say that would offer Ash some solace, but her mind was drawing a blank, "I wish I could say that I have an answer, but maintaining relationships is complicated as it is".
"It gets even more complicated", Ash added.
Mary leaned forward, a worried look etched on her features, "Judging by your tone, I'm guessing it's not good?"
Ash's eyes shifted to Mary and she found a small part of her hesitate to say anything at first, "He's… proposed".
Mary blinked and sat back watching Ash's unwavering expression, "Proposed?"
"Yes".
"As in…"
"Marriage".
"Huh…", the intensity in Mary's expression shifted to relief.
"Really? That's all you have to say?" Ash asked bemused.
"It's just not what I was expecting when you said 'it gets even more complicated'", Mary chuckled, "You made it sound as if you two were having problems. This is a relief! Congratulations!" Mary moved to hug her, but Ash stood up and took a couple of steps back.
"Mary, he proposed", she shook her head as if she disapproved of her friend's reaction, "What am I supposed to do?!"
"Well you love each other, don't you?"
Ash nodded.
"And you've both been faithful to one another?"
Ash repeated her confirmation.
"So it is only natural to progress your relationship", Mary tried to explain, but Ash's rigid body posture told her there was something wrong, "Unless… You have your reasons for not wanting to".
Ash exhaled in exasperation, "Yes…and no. I do love him, more than I thought I could. But I don't know if I'm ready… And I know it's almost been a year but I've only just started accepting Gunner's passing and, I know this is probably stupid, but it feels like this is moving too quickly…like I'm somehow betraying Gunner's memory".
"I see", Mary added; now it was all beginning to make sense, "It's not stupid, far from it actually".
"And I don't want to rush into anything with Aelius like I did with Gunner. Yes I know they are two completely different people, but marriage changes you...sometimes not for the better. I've seen it happen, hell I've felt it happen to me".
"Yes, you're right. Marriage changes people, but it affects everyone differently", Mary started, "Just look at Joshua; before we met he was harsh toward himself and pushed others away, but ever since we made our vows he's been so attentive and caring. He's changed and bettered himself".
Ash nodded, her posture relaxing as she took her seat next to Mary again, "I heard Daniel make a comment with Aelius that marriage has made Joshua soft".
Mary chuckled and placed a hand on Ash's shoulder, "Don't tell Joshua that. All joking aside, I don't think you have anything to worry with Aelius".
"You think so?" Ash asked hopefully.
Mary nodded, "From what you have told me about him, he's already been through the worst of it in his life and just wants you all to be happy".
Ash nodded but didn't reply.
"But, like you said, you don't have to rush into anything. If it doesn't feel right to take the next step, then you can both wait a little while longer. You've already been through so much together and you care deeply for one another, there's plenty of time to plan for the future. My advice would be to enjoy this time you have".
"I suppose you're right", Ash nodded in agreement, the weight that had rested heavily on her shoulders already beginning to wane, "No need to rush into things".
"And maybe it would be a good thing for you and Gael to live with us for a spell. I know it's a ways away from the Dead Horses. It might do you both some good, help clear your minds. Absence does have a way of making the heart grow fonder".
Though she didn't like the idea of being so far apart from Aelius, Ash sensed that spending some time apart might do them both some good.
"I'm glad I have you to talk to", Ash commented with a relieved smile.
"Anytime Ash", Mary replied, mirroring her expression.
Even though Ash never had a sibling, Mary had become somewhat akin to a sister to her despite the short time they had known each other. Ash couldn't help but be amused at the memories that came flooding back to her when she and Mary first met; they were so different each in their own way, yet somehow they both managed to form a bond. It was a comfort to know that, no matter what happens or what worries might trouble her, she could freely confide in Mary and be heard rather than judged – a quality that was lacking in the New Canaanite community she had grown up in. Having someone to confide in helped give Ash a bit of perspective and see her situation through a different light, and it made her realise that her worries about her past, her relationship with Aelius, and her fears about the future were not as critical as she made them out to be.