"So, where should we go?" Donald asked, looking out the viewport.
"Tch. There's only one other world on the map, Donald," scoffed Sora.
"Respect your elders, punk!" the duck yelled, shaking an angry fist and narrowing his eyes at Sora. "Don't sound so rude, or you're gonna get injured in vague places more than once!"
So they flew to Wonderland, only to be intercepted by several Farceless ships that all took about one hit to kill. So I guess they weren't so much 'intercepted' as they were 'annoyed'.
Thus the trio landed in Wonderland.
And as they did so, the three floated down the rabbit hole.
"Oh, heck," said Donald, making a face, "I guess we needed to read about this place first."
Sora looked distraught. "I don't like this place, it looks like it's on drugs!"
Goofy was sleeping. Oh, that Goofy. Haha.
When they were about three feet above the ground, gravity took over and slammed all three onto the cold, tiled surface. Tiled? What? Anyway, Goofy woke up.
"A-hyuck!" he said reflexively.
"Oh, my fur and whiskers!" said the White Rabbit, scuttling about. "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! I'm here, I should be there! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! The queen will have my head for SURE!" As he said this, he ran out the door, slamming it behind him.
Sora stared after him.
"What a nutjob," Donald said, shaking his head.
"I wonder who the queen is and what she'd want with his head?" Goofy said, rubbing his chin.
Sora noticed how very small the door was. He scratched his head and looked confused. "How'd he get so small?"
"Oh, no; you're just too big," said the Doorknob.
The boy reeled back in shock.
"It can talk!" quacked Donald.
"Well of course I can talk!" said the Doorknob. "What self-respecting, hard-working doorknob can't talk? But must you be so loud? You woke me up."
"G'mornin'!" said Goofy, smiling.
"Good NIGHT," the Doorknob said snappily, yawning. "I need just a bit more sleep..."
"It's like... three in the afternoon," said Sora, checking the watch he never knew he had until now.
"Well a doorknob must get his beauty sleep," scoffed the Doorknob, closing its eyes and falling to sleep immediately afterwards.
"Wait!" Sora yelled, making the Doorknob wake up again with a start. "How do we get small?"
"Why don't you try that bottle on the table?" the Doorknob sighed, rolling its eyes.
Sora glanced back, where there were two bottles. One read 'SMALL' in big letters, and the other red 'big' in small letters. He shrugged and picked up the one that read 'SMALL'.
"Wait, Sora!" Donald squawked. "We don't know what that stuff is!"
"It could be somethin' like... somethin' like..." Goofy said, trying to think of something. "Somethin' like... uhh..."
"Alcohol!" Donald said, stomping a webbed foot. "And that stuff messes you up!"
"Aw, there's always some risk involved, right?" Sora chuckled, shrugging. He took a swig, then looked around. "...Nothing happened!"
"Lemme see that," the duck snapped, snatching the bottle away. He sipped it, then made a face. "Yech! This tastes like..."
Goofy took it next, drinking some. "Mm, like cherry cough syrup!"
"That stuff tastes horrible," grumbled Donald. He jabbed the Doorknob with his staff. "Are you sure this'll make us small?"
"No," the Doorknob said. "And I'm not sure the 'big' stuff'll make you big, but there's only one way to find out!"
"AND THAT'S TO DRINK IT!" Sora yelled, diving for it, but he was swatted out of the way by Donald.
"I don't think so!" Donald said. "Not until we know what it do--"
Goofy poured some of the 'big' liquid down Donald's throat, making the duck sputter and gag in disgust.
"Yuck!" he said, then looked up. Sora and Goofy were gazing down at him, suddenly gigantic. "Holy father!"
"I guess whoever labeled them was being a smart-aleck," Sora said, crossing his arms. "You wanna go next, Goofy?"
"That's pretty thoughtful of ya, Sora," Goofy chuckled, taking the next drink. He shrunk down.
"You moron! Now he's gonna run away!" Donald said.
"No I'm not," Sora laughed, then took another drink. He shrunk down, too, and then said, "Now I'm gonna run away!" He did so, running through the door.
"After him!" Donald yelled, as Goofy followed the duck. They ran after Sora through the door.
Wonderland
The trio entered a well-groomed garden of hedges, the one above the entrance shaped like a heart. A line of cards, either of hearts or of spades, was standing on either side of a podium, at which a fat man in drag was standing with a heart-shaped gavel in his chunky hand. A small crown sat on his head, and his hair was tied back in a tight bun.
The white rabbit blew into a trumpet with the insignia of some royalty printed on the flag dangling on it. "Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, presiding!"
Sora gasped loudly, nearly fainting, but was held up by Goofy. Donald winced, hoping they hadn't been noticed.
"Court is now in session!" the rabbit continued, either taking no notice of Sora or choosing to ignore him altogether.
"I'm on trial? But WHY?" asked a little blonde girl in a blue dress, standing at the podium labled 'Defendant'. "What have I done to deserve this?"
"You tried to steal my humor, THAT'S what!" the Queen of Hearts said, pointing her gavel at the girl. "And how do you plead?"
"Tch! NOT guilty!" the girl said as if it were obvious.
"Well what I say goes and I say you plead guilty, so tough luck," the Queen said, 'ha-rumphing' and pointing her nose into the air snobbishly. "Now... OFF WITH HE--"
"Wait one minute, there!" Sora said.
Goofy did a double-take, not having noticed Sora slipping away.
The boy pointed at the Queen, looking stern. "You can't just say that she's to be executed like THAT! Haven't you heard of the Fifth Amendment?"
"What is this... 'Amendment' of which you speak?" the Queen asked suspiciously, her eyes narrowed dangerously at Sora. She crossed her arms, waving her gavel around a little.
Sora looked confused. "Umm... the Bill of Rights? ...It's been amended since... Oh, never mind," he said, frustrated. "Look, all I'm saying is, she has the right to a fair trial. She pleaded the Fifth, didn't she?"
"I lived in London, your American documents can go suck--"
"Quiet, I'm trying to save your life," Sora said, covering her mouth with his hand. He turned his attention to the Queen, who looked like she was ready to just sentence them both to death and get it over with. "Anyway, at least let us get some evidence before you kill this horribly innocent-looking girl. The evidence should surely prove her innocence!"
The Queen considered this, fiddling with the gavel a little. "Fine! You have half an hour to find incriminating evidence."
"I just said it would prove her inno--"
"I know what you said, it's just a force of habit," the Queen told him, crossing her arms again. She glared at him. "NOW OFF WITH YOU OR OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"
Sora ran to the only exit, followed quickly by Donald and Goofy.
"You don't even know her, Sora," Donald said.
"Yeah, well... uhh, look, there's something that looks like it would prove anybody's innocence!" he said, pointing at a Farceless antenna. He picked it up and put it in a CSI evidence bag, sealing it tight. "See, I figure if I can help everybody in the world, then someday it'll be a better place! That and I'm kinda using her as a stepping stone in my quest to find Riku and Kairi. Mostly Kairi, but I suppose if we meet Riku on the way, then he can come along or whatever."
"You're so heartless," said Donald, and a cheesy sitcom laugh-track could be heard in the distance.
"I know, but am I any better than you? You want to find the King, right?" Sora said, looking at Donald accusingly.
"How did you--?"
"I overheard you talking in Traverse Town," Sora admitted. "I mean, who couldn't? You talk awefully loud, y'know."
"Well! Maybe if I mumbled all the time, you wouldn't have this strange urge to eavesdrop on other people's conversations!"
"Gawrsh, Donald, we aren't paid to get angry, we're Disney characters," Goofy said.
Donald took some deep breaths to calm himself down, then counted to ten. "All right... I'll yell at you later, punk," Donald said, his eyes narrowed dangerously at Sora. He put on his happiest face. "Now let's go find more evidence to uh, save that girl and... and stuff."
Several minutes later...
"Waitaminute," Goofy said quickly. "We're outsiders! We're muddling!"
"Oh for... We're not 'muddling' in anything, you idiot! We're meddling," Donald growled. "And I'm as against this as you are, but he insisted."
"Quiet, quiet, the trial's starting again," Sora said, looking intently at the Queen's expression as all four boxes of evidence were brought in and laid out.
She twitched a bit. "Oh, think you can win me over with meaningless evidence, hmm?"
"It's not meaningless! We went back to the scene of the crime and even hired this bitchy blonde woman from the CSI world to help," Sora said, pointing at said woman, who stuck her shades on and walked away as mysterious music played. "And besides, I worked really hard. Don't you think you're being harsh?"
"And don't you think you're an idiot?" the Queen retorted. Sora gained a shifty look. "What I meant was that it was meaningless because no matter what, I have the upper hand, being the Queen and Supreme Ruler of Wonderland." She turned to her cards. "Isn't that right?"
"Yes, Your Majesty!" the cards said, saluting her.
"And I have my own evidence, too," she said, waving her gavel like a wand. A fifth box popped up next to the other boxes, then they were shuffled around. "Now pick one, and whatever you choose will be used against you!"
"But I--"
"Shut up, old habits die hard."
Sora gulped, looking back at Donald and Goofy. Then he looked at the girl, who was now in a cage to the side. Then he looked at the Cheshire Cat, who was gazing eerily at him. Then he looked at the cards, who were looking attentive. Then he looked at the Queen, who was glaring at him impatiently. Then he looked at the boxes, all of which were just sitting there. Then he looked at his shoes...
An hour later...
Donald and Goofy had started a game of 'I Spy', Alice was filing her nails, the Cheshire Cat had disappeared randomly, the Queen was staring at Sora, the cards were trying to play poker with themselves, and the boxes were still sitting there.
"I spy something... red," Donald sighed, extremely bored. "He's been looking at his shoes for a long time. Do you think he's all right?"
"The hearts on the cards?" guessed Goofy. "I dunno, Donald. Maybe he's got a procussion."
"You're right," said Donald. "And it's concussion, sheesh."
"I HAVE DECIDED!" Sora suddenly procclaimed, pointing into the air triumphantly. Then he brought his finger down ever-so-slowly, closing his eyes. "I choose... THAT one!" He opened one eye, only to see that he'd chosen the white rabbit.
"Well I'm very flattered, but it would help you better to choose actual evidence," the rabbit said, adjusting his vest in embarrassment.
"No, wait, I mean... THAT one!" said Sora, quickly pointing to the middle box.
It popped open magically and out jumped a Farceless, looking around and kind of... dancing...
They were all silent.
The Queen blinked.
Sora crossed his fingers.
Alice yawned.
Goofy and Donald gulped in anticipation.
The Cheshire Cat returned, with popcorn and soda in hand.
The cards looked up from their game of poker.
"GOODNESS ME WHAT IS THAT?" screamed the Queen, her eyes wide. "So you did try to steal my humor!" She glared over at Alice. "OFF WITH HER HEAD! AND YOURS TOO!" She pointed at Sora. "Get him!"
The cards charged at Sora, spears and axes brandished. He screamed like a little girl and ran away. Donald rolled his eyes, cast Fire on several of them, and Goofy bowled into them, shield... shielding him... The author grew tired at her lame attempts to make this interesting.
Donald grabbed Sora by his little jacket, pulling him down.
"Ack!" grunted Sora.
"Are you afraid of some cards? They're pieces of paper! Paper with pictures!" Donald said, flailing his arms around.
"And weapons," Goofy added, running over. He smacked one with his shield without turning around, ala Legolas from The Two Towers. "A-hyuck."
"Oh, fine," sighed Sora, knowing there was no other way to progress the plot than to attack the control tower. He hit it once and it collapsed. After staring at it for a moment, he commented, "I guess pop-up scenary isn't the most effective..." He turned around to see if Alice had been let go, but she was gone.
"She must've gotten kidnapped when we were fighting," Donald said, shrugging. He squawked as he was suddenly hit by a flying heart-shaped gavel. It bounced off his head and spun wildly out of control into a bush, where it stuck.
"You fools!" screamed the Queen, throwing a hissy-fit. "Go find out who's responsible for this, or I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS ON A SILVER PLATTER!"
"RUN AWAY!"
A few minutes later...
In the Lotus Forest, Sora and the gang looked around a little, before a pair of yellow eyes were noticed by Goofy.
"Gawrsh, ya don't see that everyday..." he said, rubbing his chin.
The Cheshire Cat appeared, yawning and pruning himself.
"Have you seen Alice?" Donald asked.
"Alice... Alice... No, I don't believe I did," said the Cheshire Cat. "But I have seen... SHADOWS."
BUM BUM BUUUUUM!
"Well, gawrsh, where'd they go?" Goofy said, looking somewhat concerned. Or as concerned as Goofy can look in Kingdom Hearts.
"This way?" the Cat said, pointing one way, "That way?" He pointed the other way with his other paw/apposable finger. "Does it really matter? Left, right, up, down! Nothing makes sense in... the MATRIX."
"...WHAT?" Sora said, confused. He had 'wtf' written all over his face.
"All mixed up because of the shadows!" the Cheshire Cat continued as though he had said nothing out of the ordinary. "Step deeper into the forest to the deserted garden. You may find shadows in the upside-down room!"
A few minutes later...
Sora and the gang (they should be patented) walked into the room where they'd entered Wonderland, which was the room with the Doorknob if you have short-term memory loss from the seven pages back that it debuted. The Cheshire Cat soon appeared, his frightening smile widening a little as he stared at them all one-by-one.
"They're probably hiding here," said the Cheshire Cat. "And the momeraths outgrabe. That's Lewis Caroll, if you didn't know. Want to find the shadows? Try turning on the lights."
"PFFT! Any three-year-old could think of that," Sora snorted.
"And how do we find the shadows?" the Cat said.
"Umm... I know this one..."
Sora turned to a lamp, and it... it bloomed, I guess.
"It's too dim in here," sighed the Cat. "Make it brighter."
"Blah, blah, blah, your wants," Sora said in spite, flicking the switch on the lamp.
"Now what?" Donald asked, ignoring Sora.
"There's one more lamp to li--"
Before the Cheshire Cat could finish, Sora had impatiently turned on the second lamp.
"...All the lights are on," the Cat said. "The shadows should come out soon. They'll arise in this room, but they may be somewhere else. The shadows might go after that doorknob, too."
A few minutes later...
"You'll have a better view from higher up," said the Cheshire Cat, looking bored. He was laying on the table with the bottles.
After Sora, Donald, and Goofy had climbed to the top of the table, the Cat looked very nonchalant. "The shadows will be here very soon. Are you prepared? If not... too bad!"
In a flash of light, a large Farceless appeared. It also started juggling flaming bats, and hopping around.
"Can somebody tell me what drugs it's not on?" Sora asked, looking irate. He'd had just about enough of Wonderland for one day...
"...PCP," the Farceless answered, shifting its beady yellow eyes around the room.
Since the author really can't think of anything... They killed the Farceless, sending it to Farceless Hell. They could hear the humor being released from it and into the heavens above.
"Who's making that racket?" the Doorknob asked grumpily. It spotted the trio. "You! I thought I told you I need my beauty sleep--" It yawned widely, revealing a keyhole, which wasn't that strange but it was rather small for the size of the doorknob. "--or else I won't--"
"Shut up, shut up," Sora said quickly.
With that, he did some flashy moves and sealed the Keyhole to Wonderland with an almighty 'click'. Yay.
"It sounded like something closed," Donald observed.
A Gummi piece fell from the sky and to Sora's feet. Curious, he picked it up and examined it.
"What the heck is this?" he asked, another 'wtf' look on his face.
"Gawrsh, that Gummi ain't like the others," said Goofy. "No sir."
Despite the fact that adding 'no sir' to the end of that statement being completely unnecessary, Donald snatched it from Sora. "Okay! I'll just keep this in our Inventory."
And by 'Inventory' he obviously meant the large, impossible statistics and weapons/items storages and lists upon lists of Gummi Ship parts that could be accessed by the mere press of a Start button on a PS2 controller. Heck, on any major console port's controller, even. Or the designated 'Menu' button you have assigned to a PC game. Like the one the crappy port of FFVIII had.
"Splendid," said the Cheshire Cat, smiling and propping his head on a paw, the elbow attached to said paw resting on the table. "You're quite the hero. But if you're looking for Alice, she's not here. Taken by the shadows, she was."
The group was silent for a moment, all of which looking disappointed in themselves. Suddenly, Sora's head shot up, and he looked rather surprised.
"Wait, her name was Alice?"
The Cheshire Cat kind of stared at him. "Yes... why?"
"Well good-ness, anybody with that kind of name is bound to be kidnapped!" Sora said, a look on his face that suggested it was more obvious than he was letting on. Then he gasped, looking horrified. "Then that means--! KAIRI NOOOOO!" He fell to the ground, wallowing in self-pity and possibly some hate he had boiling up for himself. And maybe 'cause he was hungry.
Donald rolled his eyes, sighing. "Come on, let's go back to the Gummi Ship." He tugged on Sora's hood until the boy hopped up and practically skipped off.
"Let's go to the save point and go back to the ship," Goofy said, dishing out his bit of advice for the day/chapter.
TO BE CONTINUED!