"Well, we didn't do much Farceless fightin' in that last world," Goofy said.
"Yeah, but we didn't see... Yes we did!" Sora said, suddenly remembering that they indeed had fought many Farceless. Heck, even the author forgot just then. "We fought hoardes upon hoardes of them! I remember it all like it was yesterday..."
Before he could have a flashback, Donald interrupted: "It was twenty minutes ago, you idiot."
"Oh, yeah..."
The three were back on their Gummi Ship. Well, I should say 'Disney-owned-and-funded Gummi Ship', but that would ruin it. ...Darn.
Goofy, who had had his nose pressed against the glass, turned to the two. "Gawrsh, Donald, maybe the King's there!" He pointed at the chunk of land that was floating around, which looked like a bunch of trees, a boat, and a camp.
Donald glared at it. "In a backwater place like that? You know and I know that Mickey-farkin'-Mouse doesn't go to mosquito-infested jungles. Let's go."
Sora hit the glass with a loud 'thud'. "Hold on! Riku and Kairi might be there! Let's just check it out!"
"Forget it! If you've already forgotten, we're on an important mission," Donald said, crossing his arms.
"Just land!"
"NO."
"Come on!" whined Sora.
"Aw, phooey!" said Donald, going to slap the boy and knock some sense into him.
But it was too late. "How do you land this thing?" he asked Goofy, who was politely telling him what did what and what it took to sit in 'the Donald Chair'.
"Don't touch that!" squawked Donald right before an alarm started blaring and red lights flashed. A cartoony-looking PA system started rambling.
"Warning. The 'Land But Will Not Guarentee Safety or Limbs' Button has been pressed. The ship will now commence to land but we will not guarentee your saftey or that all of your limbs will be intact."
Donald grimaced, slapping his face against the window, just as the ship started careening out of control.
Some time later...
Sora landed face-first in a dark, abandoned treehouse. "Owww..." he groaned, sitting up. "My head..." He looked up, only to see a piece of wood impaled on a long spike of his hair. "Ooh... Donald? Goofy?" He enjoyed the silence, but had to get his priorities straight before he could start a-questin' right now. "Okay, what did I learn in the boy scouts?" He thought for a moment. "...Assess the situation, right..." Looking around, he stated, "I appear to be in a house... in a tree," he leaned out a broken window, somehow not getting nasty glass wounds in the process. "It is apparently some wacky 'tree-house' hybrid. But what to call it...?"
His 'assessment' of the 'situation' was interrupted as Sabor the Leopard leapt majestically from one of the rotted rafters in the upper part of the treehouse.
"...And now there appears to be a large cat--maybe a leopard or a jaguar, or even a cheetah--staring me down in this 'treehouse'." Sabor swiped at his head, taking a large chunk of hair with the claw. "And it also appears that my hair has just been violated." He narrowed his eyes, pointing at the cat while the Keyblade magically appeared in his other hand. "You're goin' down, buddy."
Sabor held out a paw and moved it in a 'bring-it-on' motion.
The two started circling each other.
And they ensued in the most epic battle of all time, beating out the Lord of the Rings, the Chronicles of Narnia, and even Kingdom Hearts II's battle against 1000 Heartless (even though that wasn't that hard) in both epicness and drama.
Just as the two--both bloodied and ready to catch each other off-guard--were about to deliver the final blows to each other, Tarzan came swooping out of the rafters, spear in hand, and kicked Sabor square in the jaw and out a window.
Sora gaped, looking from the window back to Tarzan for a few seconds.
"Sabor, danger," Tarzan grunted.
"Umm... I could have handled that," Sora said, somehow completely healed of his dramatic and epic wounds.
"I could have handled that," the man repeated.
"...Uh, what is this place?" Sora tried.
"This place, this place," Tarzan said.
This guy was starting to wear thin on Sora's already-worn-thin nerves. "Look, buddy, I don't like you and you don't like me..."
"Like me, like you."
"..." Sighing, Sora continued: "Look, I got separated from my friends. Have you seen them?"
"Hmm?"
"Friends..."
"Fonds!"
"...F-R-I-E..."
"F-O-N..."
"FRIENDS."
"Friends!"
"Right, my friends!" said Sora, finally feeling as though he was getting somewhere. "There's two of 'em. The loud one's Donal--"
"Huh?"
And his hopes were shattered that instant. He swore he could hear them shattering like glass. "You know what? Never mind. I'm looking for my friends Riku and Kairi. Riku has silver hair and wears chaps. I think he's gay."
"Look for friends. Gay Riku wears chaps."
Sora laughed. "Right!"
"Kairi, friends?"
At that moment, Sora had a crazy Kairi-hallucination. And he'll have many to come... "Uhh... right..." The Kairi-hallucination walked away, fading out. "...?"
"Friends here," Tarzan grunted.
"REALLY?" Sora said in ALL CAPS like an annoying person.
Tarzan spat out some gibberish/gorilla-speak, then said, "Friends here."
"Not sure I understand... but show me!" Sora demanded like the demanding child he is. "Take me to Riku and Kairi!"
"Tarzan. Tarzan go."
"And I'm... Sora."
"Me Tarzan, you Sora," Tarzan said, pointing to himself and then to Sora.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sora go too."
Meanwhile...
Goofy and Donald were sitting on a rock in the middle of a clearing in the forest. Somehow they'd both survived the Gummi Ship's crash into the ground, which resulted in the ejection of Sora as it had hit the ground (which is why he landed so far away), and much broken glass and many twisted pieces of steel/Gummi blocks.
"Gawrsh," Goofy said, shaking and looking traumatized. "Where are we? I sure hope Sora's okay..."
"Aww, who needs that jerk?" Donald said, looking irate. "That good-for-nothing deserves to die if he went through the windshield 'cause he didn't wear his seat belt." He turned around slowly, coming face-to-face with a gorilla with a freaky 'do. "Huh?"
Meanwhile...
Sora could swear he heard a familiar scream as he and Tarzan slid down the tree limbs. As they ended, they were launched off at the tip of one limb.
"I'm too young to die!" Sora screamed, flailing his limbs. Tarzan glanced over at him, as he was swinging on a vine.
The two landed gracefully in the camp, Tarzan leaping nimbly off the vine and Sora doing some weird flip in the air at the last second, landing on his feet. He struck a pose.
10, 10, 10, 5.5
"Oh, what a disappointment!"
"It's that bastard crocodile from Fantasia, of course he would give Sora a low score..."
Meanwhile, Sora didn't care and followed Tarzan into a tent.
"Jane!" he said, jumping up and wrapping an arm around Jane and hanging off of her shoulders while Jane cradled him.
"Tarzan!" she replied, giving him a cupcake. He ate it noisily. She looked over at Sora, who was giving them a 'wtf' look. "Oh, and who's this?"
"Um, I'm Sora, it's nice to--"
"Oh! You can speak English," Jane said, sounding relieved. "For a minute there, I thought Tarzan brought home another person who only talked in 'Gorilla-Speak'. Are you here to study the gorillas?"
"Highly doubtful," said Clayton as he entered with Donald and Goofy in cuffs. "I found these two wandering out in the jungle. They're apparently not of the gorilla race."
"Of course we're not, you big--"
"Goofy! Donald!" Sora said.
"Sora!" Goofy said.
Donald and Sora hugged.
The others in the tent stared at them.
"...Oh goodness," Sora muttered. "This is awkward..."
"Yeah..." Donald whispered back.
They pushed each other away and crossed their arms.
"A circus of clowns," chuckled Clayton. "Not much use for hunting gorillas. Or being hunted. MWAHA--"
"Mr. Clayton, how many times must I tell you?" Jane giggled. "We're here to study the gorillas; not hunt them. This is research."
Clayton left wordlessly.
"Well, the more the merrier!" Jane said in an up-beat way. "Do make yourselves at home."
"Some home. Well, anyway..." started Sora.
"I'm staying!" he and Donald finished with each other.
"...," said Sora, glaring at Donald.
"Sora, look what we found," Goofy said, changing the subject. "See?" He held out a Gummi block.
"What is it?" Sora was totally stumped on this one.
"It's a Gummi block," Goofy said. "It's the same stuff used to build our ship."
"So?"
"The King could be here," Donald said. "So, we've got to work together to look for him. ...For now."
"Fine. I'll tag along," Sora said, shrugging. "...For now."
Then Sora talked to Jane just for the heck of it. "Apparently, Tarzan was raised in the jungle by gorillas. Communicating with him still isn't easy, but he's learning."
The boy looked confused. "What are you talking about? I saw that movie! He spoke perfectly fine the first hour into it."
"...Moo-vii?" Tarzan tried.
"Umm..."
"'Moving pictures'," Donald explained, crossing his arms.
"Ah. Okay," Jane said, getting it.
"Well anyway, he said my friends Riku and Kairi are here."
"Gay Riku wears chaps!" Tarzan said enthusiastically.
"And he said one word I couldn't understand..." Sora put a hand to his chin in thought.
"Why don't we try this?" Jane said. "We'll show Tarzan some slides and see if any of them match that word. It worked in that musical montage we had as we slowly fell in love, so it's bound to happen again." She looked around the tent, Tarzan still hanging off of her. "Oh, what happened to the slides?"
Somehow, Goofy magically had them in his pockets so the author didn't have to go through the trouble of remembering where each and every one of them were. And it saved you, the reader, a long and boring side-quest to read. So the three people, the duck, and the dog-type-thing watched the slides. The first one was of a castle.
Not that that matters...
Sora was silent, looking contemplative.
"What's wrong Sora?" asked Jane.
"Huh? Oh... nothing," he said, his eyes darting away from Jane. This place... looks real familiar-like. But I've never been here in my life... I've never even been off my island!
After watching the other slides, Jane looked down at Tarzan expectantly. "Well, Tarzan?"
"D'you know where Riku and Kairi are?" Sora asked.
"Gay Riku wears chaps..." Tarzan said sadly, shaking his head.
"Hey, I thought--" Sora started, looking mad.
Clayton suddenly entered. "That leaves just one place." He struck a subtle pose. "Young man, we've been in this jungle for some time now. But we have yet to encounter these friends of yours. I'd bet my fancy safari jacket that they're with the gorillas. But Tarzan refuses to take us to them."
Sora snorted. "Are you crazy? Kairi thinks gorillas are smelly and gross!"
"Really, Mr. Clayton," Jane said, ignoring Sora. "Tarzan wouldn't hide something like tha--"
"Take us to the gorillas, Tarzan," Clayton said, producing a banana from his safari jacket's pocket. Tarzan eyed it. "Go-ril-las."
"Ba-na-na," Tarzan said.
"...Go-ril-las..."
Tarzan looked to Sora, knowing full well that he (Tarzan) would take the banana anyway, but he needed a second opinion on this one. Too bad for him that his second opinion is a teenage boy who only cares about himself and his own personal gain.
Sora nodded. "Take us to the gorillas, Tarzan!" he said, smiling.
"Tarzan, are you sure?" Jane asked.
"Tarzan want banana," Tarzan said, scratching his head. "Tarzan go see Kerchak."
"Kerchak?"
"He must be the leader," Clayton assumed. "Perfect. I'll come with you, as an... escort. After all, the jungle is a dangerous place." Then he smiled widely. "MWAHAHA--"
But Sora and his buddies (now comprised of Goofy and Tarzan, since Donald kinda sucks) were already out of the tent.
"Oh, how rude!"
Meanwhile...
As Sora went out into the large camp, he looked around. It felt like something was watching them. Something... familiar. His head snapped to the right, where Sabor was glaring at him from behind the table.
"You..." Sora whispered, his eyes narrowed. He took the Keyblade out from behind his back. "So you're back."
Sabor snarled at him.
"Oh, I've been ready!"
"Gawrsh, do you know him?" Goofy asked, smiling obliviously. "It's nice ta meet ya!" He waved at the leopard, who growled back.
"Sabor, dan--" Tarzan started, brandishing his spear and preparing himself to leap at Sabor.
"No!" Sora said, thwacking Tarzan in the chest with the Keyblade. "This is my fight! I can do this alone..." He turned to face Sabor. "My hair will be avenged, you feline scum!"
Sabor roared, pouncing. Sora let out a mighty Xena battlecry, holding the Keyblade up and the cat crashed down upon him.
One cracked pelvis later, Sabor limped away and Sora stood up, in much pain. Oh, Sora can't win all the time. Especially not in a parody. ...Or in a fanfic written by somebody who likes Riku. (Not that I do, mind you.)
"Oh my God, my pelvis!" Sora said, looking like he was going to cry. He sniffled, then leaned down and picked up a nickel. "A nickel..." He didn't say anything for a minute. "Oh I'm suffering too much to enjoy this moment--"
Goofy used a potion on Sora, healing him.
"A nickel!"
"Gawrsh..." sighed Goofy, an irritated expression on his face. He shook his head in slight-disappointment.
Some time later...
Tarzan was talking to the silverback Kerchak. "(Kerchak, please listen to me. I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I trust them. You see, I want to help them because... because... well, they need us.)"
"(No, Tarzan)," Kerchak replied. "(They are not one of us. They are forbidden. I mean... would we really invite a duck into our nesting grounds? I think not.)"
"(But Kerchak)--"
"(No! My decision is final. Take them back to where they came.)" With that, Kerchak and his fellow gorillas went off into the greenery.
"Did you get that?" Goofy whispered to Donald, who had been standing there the whole time.
"Nope."
He seemed sorta distracted by something, Goofy thought.
Was he looking toward the treehouse? thought Donald.
Sora glared at both of them. "Oh, no! I'm not going back ther--"
Some time later...
Clayton was lining up his shot on Terk, who was playing with a globe and not noticing him like a fool. She spun it around.
"(Oh, I sure wish all my buds were here to have a jam-session with me. It was so fun last time)," she said, reminiscing.
"That's it," Clayton said, chuckling. "Play my pretty, play... Be ignorant to the fact that there's somebody who's going to kill you standing right here, only about four feet away from you. Be ignorant to the fact that your brains will be splattered against the wall behind you. Be ignorant to the fact that--"
He was suddenly jumped upon and his eyes were covered.
"Guess who?" Donald asked.
"...," said Clayton, unamused. He pushed Donald off and onto the old floor below. He looked around, noticing that the gorilla was no longer there. He cursed under his breath and glared back at Donald, who was dusting his sleeves off.
"What's the big idea?" Donald asked with an authoritative scowl.
Tarzan spotted Kerchak and Terk leaving.
"(Kerchak, wait!)" he called after the gorilla.
But 'twas too late. The gorillas had left. Tarzan sighed dejectedly.
"You don't understand," Clayton said in an unconvincing way. He muttered out of the side of his mouth, "I was only trying to kill it..."
"What was that?" Sora asked.
"...That leopard from earlier was outside the window, and it looked hungry. So I was merely trying to save the gorilla's life. Though who would want to save Rosie O'Donnell, I haven't the slightest idea."
"Well maybe they appreciated her acting, you ever think of that?" Sora said sternly.
"That's not the point," Clayton said. "The point is, I saved the gorilla. And that's all there is to it. And without any musical montage, either."
Tarzan narrowed his eyes at Clayton, but Sora shrugged.
"Sounds convincing enough!" he decided, smiling obliviously. "Come on, guys! Let's go back to the camp."
Some time later...
"So Sabor was really there threatening that gorilla's life?" Sora asked, suspicious.
Clayton shifted his eyes around. "...If it was that leopard, then yes." He smirked at the sight of Sora's eyebrows raising up a little. "Ah. Why do you ask? Some vendetta we don't know about?"
"Well, it's a long story," said the boy. "Y'see, some time ago I met Sabor, in the very treehouse we were in only moments ago. Anyway, as I was valiantly trying to assess my situation and surroundings like I'd learned in the boy scouts, the fiend jumped down from his perch, hoping for a meal of fresh Sora. Then, as he went to take off my head, I did a crazy Trinity dodge and narrowly missed my face being clawed. Instead he got my hair. So it's been on since I faced him in the treehouse."
Of course this sounded very cool to Sora and to anybody who might be listening, but to Clayton it sounded just like a made-up story about... fictional stuff. Clayton chuckled.
"How deep does this hatred run?"
"He broke my freakin' hip!" Sora replied, looking extremely hurt as he remembered the pain. "I'll never forget that and I'll never forgive him!"
"Gawrsh, Sora, I thought he broke yer pelvis," Goofy said.
"A pelvis is your hip(s), dumb-nut," Donald said grumpily.
"Oh yeah..."
Clayton suddenly looked up, as a slight motion in the underbrush had caught his eye. "Oh my, what's that?" he said, pointing at it.
Sora's head whipped over to where he was pointing, and Clayton ran off.
Sabor stalked out of the brush, his lips pulled back in a mean snarl. He was low to the ground, his tail flicking. He was going to pounce.
"Oh my goodness how dramatic!" the author said, but was unheard since this isn't about her and she's a loser for thinking that she could put this sentence in here. The bitch.
The Keyblade once again appeared in Sora's hand, and they were at it for a third time.
The battle took them to many locales, most notably a New York City bus, subway, and they even fought on top of the Empire State Building.
Sora glared down at Sabor as the cat hung on for dear life above the Hudson Bay. For a moment Sora pitied him, the cat glaring up at him and growling. Suddenly, Sabor threw up the small container with yellow tape that read 'SEAL' over and over again in large, bold, black letters. Sora swiped at it with the Keyblade and watched as it flew off, the top of it sliding off from where it had been sliced.
Sabor smirked, leaping up suddenly and catching the container as it fell. He cradled it close before taking something out of it, letting the box go, and then pushed it into his chest. For a moment he felt faint, then he looked up at Sora, a crazy glint in his eye. "Welcome to my Reunion," he said, smiling.
Sora, sensing the danger, leapt from his place on the bridge. Everything seemed to slow down as he watched Sabor land on a platform in the middle of the river (wtf). He landed on his feet, then rose up on two paws and held his front paws up as if to hold something. Then Sora came down with much force on the very spot, and in a flash Sabor stood there no more.
The young man looked on in horror as his worst nightmare had taken Sabor's place.
"It's been a long time, Sora," said Sephiroth.
Sora gaped in amazement and/or some form of fear. Sephiroth! After these two years, how was he...?
Suddenly a bolt of lightning hit Sephiroth and he reverted back to Sabor and scampered off. Sora fell ungracefully on his butt in the grass and dirt of the cliff area in the jungle.
"That was weird," he said, standing up and dusting himself off. "I could've just sworn I was in that one really good movie I saw last week."
"Was it Disney-related?" Donald asked.
"...No."
"Then don't waste your breath. We've gotta get back to the camp."
Sora remembered the lightning all of a sudden. "Wait a minute... Donald! That was my fight-to-the-death!"
"But Sabor's not dead," Goofy said, scratching his head in confusion.
Some time later...
Jane gasped loudly, Tarzan around her neck once more. "Mr. Clayton! How could you? After I told you not to hunt the gorillas!"
"But he was just helping this one, ma'am," Sora said.
"Sora, he came and admitted to me that he tried to kill a gorilla," Jane said. "That and Tarzan said so, too."
"Now Ms. Porter," Clayton said suavely. "I told you, I was not aiming at that gorilla. I was merely aiming at this young lad's eternal rival."
"Yeah!" He turned to Clayton. "But just for the record, he's mine. You can go kill other, less-important-to-me leopards, 'kay?"
"Neh."
"You are not to go near the gorillas again, you hear?" Jane said scoldingly, pointing at him.
"What? After one mishap? But I--"
Everybody but Sora glared at him. Sora just kinda gave him a 'well you tried your best' look. So the lower half of his face was smiling but the upper half was looking worried.
Clayton snorted and left the tent, bitter.
"What am I doing with these idiots?" he asked himself. "I'm a Disney villain for God's sake. I can do better than this! I'll just call upon my legions to help me hunt down the remaining gorillas." He took a bottle of some kind of liquor out of his pocket and went to unscrew the cap, but something behind him made a loud noise.
Meanwhile...
BANG!
"And that's what it would sound like if I were to fire a gun," Sora said. "Of course, the sound would be muffled by whoever I was killing's body and/or organs and/or bones, but I'm sure it would sound pretty big and scary."
"What a marvelous demonstration!" Jane said, smiling and clapping.
"Aww, shucks. 'S'just my science project," Sora chuckled. He was silent for a moment. "Oh, right... I was supposed to go to school today, but... but..." He looked close to tears. "My island's gone!"
BANG!
"Sora, get your sound effects under control," Donald snapped at him.
"Erm... that wasn't me," Sora replied awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
The three (Sora, Donald, and Goofy) stared at each other for a moment before running out of the tent, Tarzan following close behind.
"Farceless!" Sora gasped dramatically, the Keyblade appearing from the Void. One hit him in the eye with something they'd shot out of a slingshot. "Oh! Owww! Darn it all!" He backed up in shock, only to slip on a banana peel and land heavily on his back, some of his munny falling around him. "Oooh..."
"Get up, you pansy!" Donald said, helping him up.
"Garwsh," Goofy sighed dreamily.
"Shut up, Goofy..."
And oh, a gorilla was in the middle of this chaos.
"We've gotta help it!" Sora shouted. He pointed the Keyblade valiantly ahead of him, but then whined and ran off as the monkey-lookin' Farceless chased him with their slingshots and banana peels. "Run away!" he shouted, running away.
Donald and Goofy managed to beat the Farceless by themselves while Sora was being a pansy.
And for some reason, they helped save four more gorillas, though the author cannot for the life of her remember this part of the game. Eh. 'S'probably 'cause she doesn't really like the Tarzan movie all that much.
BUT LONG STORY SHORT! Donald, Goofy, and Sora somehow beat the Farceless and returned to the tent.
"I do hope Mr. Clayton's safe," Jane sighed.
"Don't worry," Sora said reassuringly, smiling. "He's got a gun--I doubt anybody that capable and well-armed would be killed so easily."
So then they left the tent, and as they entered the outside of the camp, a gunshot rang out from the direction of the bamboo thicket. So guess where they're going now!
A few seconds later...
"It's Clayton's alcohol!" Sora said, picking up the bottle on the rock in the center. "So where did he go?"
"Beats me," Donald said, shrugging.
A roar made Sora looked up. On the other side of the thicket was Sabor.
The two glared at each other from the different sides of the thicket.
"Well, Sabor," sighed Sora. "This is it. This is the last battle."
"Roar," replied Sabor.
"Why do I fight? Ha. I fight because I have friends to avenge and things to be taken care of. And you?"
"Roar."
"Ah, a valiant one yourself... But none of that is important. What is important is that I kill you. Then my hair will be able to rest peacefully in its watery grave."
"Roar."
"I do too have the guts! You're chicken yourself, running off every time I'm distracted," Sora scolded. "So don't think you're any better than me, y'hear?"
"Roar."
"Hmm, you hold a good point. But you killed my hair--the hair that I was unable to save, and I was right there to save it but I didn't do anything--and for that I have to... I have to beat you to lay my sins to rest."
"Roar."
"Don't you tell me to shut up!"
"Roar."
"Okay, yeah, I guess you're right. That was an awfully long one-sided conversation. So have at you, beast!"
With that, they leapt at each other. Then a long, drawn-out battle began, and Sora came out the victor, gaining the White Fang item.
"That sub-plot was annoying and pointless," Donald told him. "So let's get back on track, hmm?"
"Hey!" Sora said loudly, pointing at Donald. He was silent for a moment. "...Shut up."
Meanwhile...
Terk ran into the tent, and hooked herself onto Jane. They both looked on in horror as something (coughFarcelesscough) approached.
Un-meanwhile...
"Well, we're three-fourths done with this world," Donald said, consulting the strategy guide. "So now all we have to do is fight--"
Sora snatched it away from him. "A book! Oh my goodness, I haven't read one of these in the longest of times!" He squinted, trying to read the text: "Far-ce-less a-re b-ad... I don't get it."
Then, for lack of better jokes and/or material, they entered the tent in the camp. Instead of Tarzan jumping into Jane's arms, Tarzan gasped at the lack of Jane's presence.
"Gasp! Jane gone!" he gasped.
"Where'd she go?" Sora asked, helplessly glancing around and under tables and such. He checked in a pot. "Jane? You in there? ...Jane?" He sat the lid back down. "Oh, no..."
Tarzan started making weird sounds.
"What's wrong, Tarzan?" asked Goofy.
"Something coming," he grunted. "Jane danger! Bird friends say Jane near treehouse!"
"Away!" Sora said valiantly, pointing the Keyblade onward. They all charged out of the tent and into the jungle.
Some time later...
Sora staggered to the area where Jane and Terk were being held captive. He collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath. Goofy, Donald, and Tarzan were behind him, Donald and Goofy wiping the sweat from their brows and panting, but Tarzan looked determinedly ahead of them. Sora coughed.
"Good Lord..." he gasped. "I'm never doing that again... I haven't... I haven't run like that since... since I was chased by a skunk!"
"Why was it chasing you?" asked Donald, fanning himself off with his hat.
"Kairi told me not to poke it with a five-foot stick, but I did anyway just to make myself look cool," he admitted, breathing heavily.
"You just don't listen, do you?"
"Tarzan!" called Jane. "Destroy the big black fruit thing and we'll be freed! Free, free as the wind blows, free as the grass grow--"
To make matters worse, a bunch of Farceless decided to show up at that instant to instigate a fight.
If you can't guess...
Jane held onto Tarzan once more. "Mr. Clayton came into the tent, intent on doing something horrible to the gorilla and me, but then I saw that he just wanted to kidnap us. And then..." She sighed, a worried look on her face. "That's the last thing I remember. I passed out after being pistol-whipped in the forehead."
"Ouch," Sora said, wincing.
"Gorillas in danger," Tarzan said suddenly. He got down on the ground. "Gorillas trapped. Terk ran."
"Wait, Clayton?" Sora said. He looked extremely betrayed. "I told all my deepest secrets to him, though!"
Some time earlier...
"...and then that gay fool Riku decided that he'd get all up on my case and said he was gonna take Kairi to the eighth-grade prom last year," Sora griped to Clayton, who was absentmindedly spying on the gorillas. "But then I said 'oh no you ain't', and he was like 'oh yes I am!' And that started the biggest fight I've ever been in, which took me across the whole island. Then we fought in our respective rowboats, and then we got off on our little island that we go on to play and junk and we fought there..."
"Yes, very interesting," Clayton said.
"...until I finally convinced Kairi that Riku was gay and that she should turn to me whenever she needed somebody's shoulder to lean on when she should happen to cry," he continued. "Then she gave me a 'double-yoo-tee-eff' look and then I said, 'I mean, if you should ever need somebody to talk to'. Well then she gave me another weird look, so I said, 'If you should ever need somebody to talk about Riku behind his back with'. And then we came to the mutual agreement that that was the most sensical statement, so we forgot the whole first part of that conversation. Except the Riku being gay part." He chuckled, rubbing his hands together. "Myes..."
"You're very childish and naïve, aren't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I'm evil."
"...I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. See, there's this interesting flower over there that opens only if you cast Thunder on it, and..."
Back to now...
"I can't believe how stupid I was," Sora said, hanging his head in shame.
"Me neither," scoffed Donald.
Sora gave him a look. "Gee, thanks, Donald."
Suddenly, they came across the gorillas surrounded by a small group of Farceless and Clayton.
Just as Sora was about to beat the living snot out of Clayton, Tarzan put his spear down, stood up tall, and took a deep breath. Then he called his animal friends with his mighty Tarzan battlecry, beating his chest with his fists.
A group of African elephants stampeded through the cliffs, the gorillas pushing the Farceless out of the way and retreating into the trees and such as the packiderms came. However, the Farceless and Clayton were turned into mush at the end of the tirade. Sora, Donald, and Goofy stared on in shock and slight horror at the bloody mess that had been their enemies only moments ago.
Goofy fainted from the sight of so much bodily fluid, Donald crossed his arms and looked disgusted, and Sora chuckled nervously, shifting his eyes around.
"Well that makes our job easier!" he said in a high-pitched voice, looking like he was going to barf.
"Tarzan help," Tarzan said proudly.
(PS- Sora learned Cure right about here)
Then Kerchak came out of nowhere and threw Sora and his buds (sans Tarzan) up a cliff that, until he goes to a world later in the game/fic, will be hard as hell to scale for him alone. Tarzan jumped up with them. So then they marched along into the waterfall area, where they climbed some more cliffs until they were all tuckered out, and then they came across the prettiest area in the whole game. Or not, whatever.
And now there they stood, behind waterfalls. Everyone who wasn't dead (minus gorillas but plus Terk) was standing there, looking around in wonderment.
"Tarzan, home," Tarzan said. He said his random gorilla gibberish again.
"This is your home? But that means..." said Sora as if he had great deductive reasoning.
"Huh?" asked Goofy.
"The waterfalls..." said Jane quietly. "They're echoing all the way here."
Tarzan grunted and said his gibberish. "Friends there. See friends."
"Oh, now I've got it!" Jane said, smiling slyly. "(insert gorilla here) means 'humor!'"
There was a stunned silence.
"How do you figure?" Sora asked. "I was guessing somewhere along the lines of 'heart', but man..."
"Humor..."
"Umm..."
"Friends, same humor. Clayton, lose humor. No humor, no make friends laugh."
Sora turned to Donald, apologetic looks on their faces.
"Er, sorry about what I said earlier," Sora muttered.
"Yeah, and sorry about that hug," Donald replied.
Goofy put his hands on each's shoulder. "Aww, you love each other!"
"Goofy you sick son of a--" started Sora, but was interrupted as the Keyblade appeared in his hand and a Keyhole outline appeared nearby in the wall. He did some flashy move and sealed Deep Jungle.
Donald leaned down and picked up a Gummi block. "It's a Gummi!" he said, stating the obvious.
"But that don't look like the King's," Goofy said.
Terk pulled Donald into a hug. He started struggling and squawking. "No! Nonononono! I'm practically married!" he said quickly, but Terk only tightened her grip around the duck.
"Oh, love," sighed Jane. "What a sweet emotion..."
Everybody then laughed at Donald's expense.
Jafar stroked his beard in thought. "So what, exactly, drew the Farceless to that world? The scenery? West Nile Virus?"
"The hunter drew them there," said Maleficent with a grim smirk. "His taste of bad humor was the bait. But it seems that the bait was too tasty for its own good." She suddenly rolled her eyes. "Good Lord... 'too tasty for its own good'? I thought we were Disney, not 'Badpunsney'. Er, anyway. Yes. Right, that's it."
Oogie Boogie laughed, holding his gut as it jiggled. "Yeah, he got stomped instead!"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" Maleficent said sternly.
"A weak-humored fool like him stood no chance against the Farceless," said Jafar, heeding Maleficent. "But the boy is a problem. He found a Keyhole..."
"Fear not," said the dark fairy, having calmed down. "It will take him ages to hunt down the rest..."
They all laughed maniacally again.
"Besides," said Maleficent as they watched the image of Sora and Pals(tm) on the Plate of All-Knowingness, "he remains blissfully unaware of our other plan."
"Yes, the princesses," Oogie said, rubbing his little potato-sack-stubs together menacingly.
"They are falling into our hands, one by one..."
Alice's image appeared on the Plate of All-Knowingness.
"Speaking of which..."
Some time later...
"Sorry Tarzan, but we've gotta get going," Sora said, looking desparate to get off this crazy jungle-world.
"Where is your ship, anyway?" Jane asked, probably interested.
"Oh, it's not far off," Donald said. He started waddling away.
"Sora, Tarzan, friends," Tarzan said warmly. He smiled at Sora, and Sora smiled at him. They held the gaze for a moment, both probably thinking about their other friends or, in Tarzan's case, a banana. It was all very touching. Then Tarzan gave Sora the Jungle King key chain. What he was doing with it is beyond me.
"Aww, thanks," Sora said.
"Gay Riku wears chaps," Tarzan said.
"Yeah," laughed the boy.
"Come on, Sora!" Goofy called back to him.
"Bye Tarzan!"
TO BE CONTINUED!