Sora looked contemplative, sitting at his seat in the Gummi Ship. "That Gummi block that appeared when I sealed the jungle... It's not like the others. Wonder what it's used for." He was silent for a moment, eyeing it and examining it critically. "Well... There's only one way to find out!" With a crazy glint in his eye, he went to stick it in some hole in the ship.
Donald jumped on him at the last moment. "No, you idiot! Down! Put that down!"
"Gawrsh, maybe Leon'll know," Goofy said, steering the Gummi ship towards Traverse Town and listening to his dance music. 'Cause Goofy likes dance music now, I guess... "Because he sure does look like a person who'd know about a lot of stuff. A-hyuck."
"I'm the main character!" Sora said, shoving Donald to the floor. "So I say that I get to see what it's used for!"
"I say it goes right up your a--"
"Say, Sora," Goofy said conversationally. Is that even a word? Conversationally... "How come your hair is its wholeness once again, even after it was mangled by that Sabor fella?"
Sora chuckled as if he weren't fighting off Donald's attempts at snatching the Gummi from him. "Well, Goofy, that's a very good question. You see, many authors in the fanfiction-type business are far too stupid and have far too short attention spans to deal with something as irksome as continuity. So apparently, that's what we're experiencing: A continuity error. Kind of like the Balto movies."
"Oh, I get'cha."
Just then, Donald managed to put Sora in the sleeper hold and Sora passed out. The duck panted, catching his breath for a moment, then returned to his seat. Several feathers were missing on several parts of his body.
"Gawrsh, what happened to you?"
"That... that little... URGH! He's so aggravating!" nagged Donald, ripping some more feathers out. "Why did the key choose him? Why couldn't it have chosen a soft-spoken, calm, collected person? A person who's wise beyond his years. One who's not afraid to wear androgynous clothes that further add to his natural androgyny?"
"Gawrsh, but Sora's just like that, Donald!"
"So he is. But did you not catch the stuff about the being wise beyond his years? You know, everything I said before I mentioned androgyny?"
"Well, yeah. But with my selective hearing I only heard the word 'androgyny'."
"Curse you, Walt Disney!"
Traverse Town (Keyhole)
"So, you found the Keyhole," Squall said thoughtfully.
"Yup!" said Sora, having regained consciousness after Donald had slapped him around a bit a few minutes earlier. He looked somewhat disoriented. "After fighting large, strange monkey-beasts that flung banana peels around and meeting some guy who only wore a loincloth, the Keyblade sealed it automatically."
"Good," said Aeris, who was standing nearby.
They (being Sora, Donald, Goofy, Squall, and Aeris) were standing in the Secret Waterway, which isn't so secret anymore.
"Every world among the stars has a Keyhole," Squall went on explaining. "And each one leads to the creamy, soft, tasty core of the world, which holds the humor of its residents. You see, when somebody is born, a small portion of humor--at first neutral--is given to the new person. Then, when somebody dies, the humor returns to the core. When it returns to the planet, it takes its past experiences--the good and the bad jokes--and shares those experiences with the other bits of humor. Think of it kind of like Final Fantasy VII's Lifestream except without the drama. But the Farceless are disrupting that and making more Farceless by feeding off the bad humor, thus creating an imbalance."
Sora thought this over. "But the imbalance would be for the good humor, would it not?" Sora said.
"Well, yeah."
"So wouldn't that be a good thing?"
"Yes, but if everybody in the world had good humor, Sora," Aeris said gently, "then nobody would be funny anymore, and the Farceless would feed off the once-good humor. Even the best of jokes get old after a while. In the end, when the humor is spent, the world... disappears... It was all in Ansem's report, by the way."
"Anyway," said Squall impatiently. "There's probably a Keyhole in this town, too. So go look for it and... and stuff."
"Please lock every Keyhole you come across," Aeris said.
"I dunno..." the boy said.
"You could probably gain some form of higher thinking and possibly better physics grades if you saw other worlds," Squall suggested, remembering his time in Balamb when he'd failed his whole eighth-grade physics course. That had been a bitter year indeed...
"Yeah, it'll be fun," Donald said unenthusiastically.
"We could find your friends," said Goofy. "And King Mickey, too!"
"Well I can't argue with that," Sora said. "Okay! Let's go, guys." He suddenly stopped. "Oh, right. Hey, Leon? D'you know what this Gummi block is for?" He fished in his pocket for a moment, then produced the Gummi.
Squall looked at it, not saying a word.
"Ask Cid, he should know," Aeris said for him.
"Wait," Squall said. "Before you do that, take this." He handed over a stone that was shiny and... orange. "This stone holds some mysterious power. Or so I assume. I don't really know, I just found it. Anyway, I've been carrying it for luck. And for some sudden reason, I feel the need that I should give it to you. So yeah. Go have fun with it."
The boy looked it over, and, while he was captivated by its luster, he couldn't help but wonder aloud, "How do you use it?"
But Squall didn't reply.
Some time later...
"Well, well, well, if it ain't Sora!" Cid said, smiling. "What'd ya come here for today, kid?"
"We found this Gummi block, Uncle Cid!" Sora said, handing over the Gummi with a big, oblivious smile on his face. "Could you tell us what kind it is?"
"Sure, why not?" Chuckling, Cid looked it over. "Well I'll be censored by Disney! It's a Navigation Gummi. Or a Navi-G, I guess." He rubbed his slightly hairy chin. "D'ya ever notice that I'm a lot friendlier in this story than I am in the game...?"
"What are you talking about Uncle Cid? You crazy."
"Anyway, you want one fer your ship, right?"
"Well it would be nice..." Donald said, staring at the floor shyly.
"Okay. But first I need you to do a pointless sidequest that won't be so pointless later on. See, this old guy with a long beard came by with this book--" He heaved the book onto the counter. It was a good thousand pages long and looked like it could pass off as an old, leather-bound collection of Shakespeare's works. "--and asked me to fix it up fer him. Now I'm just a pilot/semi-astronaut/Gummi retailer, so I don't know much 'bout fixin' no books. But ten hours and three rolls of duct tape later and I had this baby patched up enough to be sold at a cheap bookstore." He patted it. "So after all that trouble, think you could go and deliver it back to him fer me? Come on. Fer Uncle Cid."
"...," said Sora, deeply considering it. "Uhhh... suuuure. Why not?" He grimaced as Cid handed it to him, almost knocking him to the ground. "We'll uhh, have it delivered in no time!" he squeaked, then walked out of the store, slightly off-balanced because of the heavy book.
But before he could get all the way out of the store, a bell rang and a great shaking occurred. Oh dear. He lost his balance completely and fell to the ground, the book landing on his stomach.
"My vital organs!" he rasped, making a very pained face.
"What was that?" Donald asked, ignoring Sora's pleas for help and Goofy's grunts in his attempt to get the book off the crushed adolescent.
"Oh, that? That was just the bell down at the gizmo shop. Go check it out of you want, but that book needs to be delivered, 'kay? Okay. So go deliver it." He pulled out a shot-gun from behind the counter. "'Else that ol' fart's not ever gonna get it back."
"I'm free!" Sora said, hopping up from his horrendous internal injuries, seeming unscathed for the most part. "But now how am I going to explain to Mom why I cough up blood?" He did so as if to simply demonstrate it.
"For some reason, I don't think even Regen'll help you," Donald said as if he were the doctor telling Sora he only had six months to live. Now that I think about it, he probably only has about one week. "So let's get going before your liver collapses or something!"
Sora doubled over. "Oh, I think it just did..."
Some time and a trip to the Emergency Room later...
"So how you feelin', Sora?" Cid asked.
"Almost 100-percent better!" Sora said. "All of my new organs are from that fat guy who stands outside of your shop! I think he died, but I could be wrong. Oh, and for some reason one of my scars looks like the perfect portrait of the cast of Friends!" He showed off the scar right over his heart and chuckled warmly. "Ah, the cast of a late-evening ABC show... You'll always have a place, right there."
"Stop talkin' to your deformed and horrid self and get the durn book delivered!"
"Yes, Uncle Cid!"
Some time later...
The trio entered the old building. It wasn't really an 'old building' so much as it was an 'old, dark, cavern that was surrounded by darkness'. 'And water'. Sora squinted, not able to see his hand even when he stuck it over his face.
"This place is so... dark!" he said, stumbling about.
"There's water in here, Sora," Donald warned. "And some moving stone platforms (for some reason). So be careful."
"'Careful' is my middle name!"
"...What?"
"Yup! Sora 'Careful' Jones!"
"Your last name is Jones?"
"No. I don't know what my last name is. Mom won't tell me."
"And I assume 'careful' isn't really your middle name?"
"Nope. It's--"
Before he could reveal his probably-embarrassing middle name, he looked up ahead. Then, for some reason, he leapt across from the ground to a moving platform, getting on it perfectly. He smiled and chuckled.
"...," said Donald. "What a goofball..."
"Gawrsh, that used to be my nickname..." Goofy said dreamily, seeming to go off into a flashback.
But Donald pulled him across the water. He was a duck, after all. He had the best swimming skills of the three of them. Or one would assume, right? Right.
After a couple of minutes and much platforming, Sora reached the house in the back of the cavern.
"A house?" Sora asked, confused.
"So it seems," Donald said.
As they entered, Hallucination-Kairi showed up. "There's something about this musty place..." she said, looking around. "It's kind of like the secret place back home, huh?"
"Kairi?" Sora asked. He rubbed his eyes, and then she was gone. "Am I going crazy?"
"I think you've been crazy, personally."
"Shut up, Donald!"
"Well, well," chuckled a man with a very long beard and who could fit right in at a Harry Potter convention. "You've arrived a lot sooner than I expected."
"Who are you, Mr. Old Guy?" Sora asked. "And how did you know we were coming?"
"Why, I am Merlin. Merlin Oldguy," Merlin said, taking off his hat and bowing politely. He straightened back up, replacing his hat. Sora gained a 'wtf' look. "And I knew you were coming because I saw you out the window." He pointed towards the front window, where there was a very clear view of most of the cavern, including the mouth.
"Are you a... a Farceless?"
"Young man, do I look like a Farceless to you?" Merlin asked, putting his face in Sora's...face.
"Not really..."
"You are a sorceror, Harry!" Merlin suddenly said, chuckling and holding his gut as he laughed.
"What?"
"Oh, sorry. I mean, I'm a sorceror. I spend most of my time traveling. Seeing sights is nice, but it's good to be home. Your King has requested my help."
"King Mickey?" Goofy asked.
"Mickey? Who's Mickey? I was talking about King Arthur!"
"..." Goofy glanced at Donald, then at Sora, looking very confused.
"Yes, indeed," Merlin said. "King Mickey. Donald, Goofy. And who's this lovely young lady?"
"I'm not a girl."
"...And who might you be, young man?"
"I'm Sora."
"Ah, so you've found the key."
"What did the King ask you to do?" Donald asked him.
"Give me a minute," Merlin grumbled, stepping up onto the platform in the middle of the room and taking a wand and bag out of his beard. "Now, would you like to see what's in this bag?"
"N-n... Not really," Sora admitted.
"Oh... r-really? Because I was expecting you to say 'yes' so I could do the wave of the wand thing and... I was going to open it anyway." Merlin sounded very disappointed.
"Um... sorry."
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Sora muttered apologetically.
"Huh? You didn't hurt my feelings at all, boy."
"...I didn't?"
"Nope. I just wanted to show off. Anyway... PRESTO!" With a wave of the wand and a flick of his wrist (er, same thing, so what?), Merlin opened the bag and a bunch of things flew out, totally redecorating his house to look like a beach cabana. There was even a shark's jaw mounted by the door. "There. Now (ahem), your King asked me to train the weilder of the key in the arts of magic. And I can see he needs much training."
Sora looked up from shocking an ant with Thunder but missing and setting one of Merlin's books on fire.
"..." Merlin turned to Donald and Goofy. "We can start whenever you two feel like it. I don't really trust the kid."
"Nobody should," Donald whispered back, making sure Sora hadn't heard.
"Let me know when you're ready to begin," Merlin continued. "Oh, and one more thing... BOY, are you listening?"
Sora jumped in surprise but nodded.
"That carriage is more than it seems. Just go up to it and touch it or something. You kids sure do seem to like touching things nowadays anyway."
"We sure do!" With that, Sora turned to the carriage and gave it a big poke in the side.
The Fairy Godmother appeared, a cup of coffee in hand. "Merlin! It's about time you got home you old fa--Why, hello young sir!" She laughed nervously. "I'm the Fairy Godmother. Your King asked me to help, as well. I'll assist you on your journey, sure."
"Who's this?" Sora asked, looking at Merlin questioningly.
Merlin grumbled. "That's my wife. She says she's the Fairy Godmother, but her name's really--"
"By Cinderella's glass slippers, I am the Fairy Godmother!"
"I don't know how much help we'll be, but stop by anytime you feel like having a spot of tea, Harry."
"Sora."
"Right, whatever."
Sora was just about to leave, before he spun around. "Oh yeah! We were asked to bring this big ol' book to the old house. Is this the old house?"
"Ah, my book. It's in better condition than it has been in years. You know, despite the duct tape everywhere. And even though I've only had it for a few months. Anyway, I don't really know what kind of book this is..."
Sora looked at the table of contents. His eyebrows shot up. "Hey! I had a copy of this book when I was ten or so years old! I think it's The Adventures of Winnie the P--"
"Nope, I couldn't have any idea about what kind of book this could possibly be. I guess I'll just put it somewhere in here for now. This book probably holds many secrets, but then, I could be mistaken about that. And it sure is missing a lot of pages. I bet if you find them, you'll uncover its valuable and possibly deadly secrets. But for now we'll never know."
"Erm... it's about a little stuffed bear and his buddies frolicking in a--"
"But for now we'll never know," Merlin said sternly.
"Umm... okay."
"And about that stone you have that I somehow know about," Merlin said, "talk to my wife. I mean... The Fairy Godmother..." He rolled his eyes at the Fairy Godmother.
Sora stared at Merlin for a moment before holding the stone out for the Fairy Godmother to see. "D'you know what it does, Mrs. Oldguy?"
"Of course I do! I'm the Fairy Godmother," she said matter-of-factly. She picked it up and looked at it from every angle. "Hmm... Poor dear. He's been turned into a Summon Gem."
"...What?"
"This godforsaken creature lived in a world that was destroyed when the Farceless stole the comic stylings of the indombitable pair of a meerkat and a warthog," Fairy Godmother said, somewhat forlorn-sounding. "When a world is destroyed, its inhabitants disappear with it. But this one had a strong sense of humor, so he was saved."
"Will he... ever be himself again?" Sora asked.
"Well step back and just watch," the Fairy Godmother told him. She waved her wand. "Bibbity bobbity boo!"
Nothing happened to the gem. But for some reason, Sora learned the summon spell Simba.
"Whenever you call, he will come and help you," she said. "If you find any more of these, just bring them to me. Don't worry, once their worlds are restored, they'll return home. Please help them. Even though you're only a stupid kid."
"Don't worry, I'll try," Sora said reassuringly.
So then Sora was leaving. Except Merlin wasn't really going to have that.
"Go see Cid before going anywhere else, mm-kay?"
Some time later...
"Now do either of you know where Cid lives?" Sora asked Donald and Goofy. They were huddled in a corner of the Third District, trying not to look suspicious or attract attention from the Farceless.
"We were too busy taking you to the only hospital in the game, which was all the way in Deep Jungle," Donald said. He looked mad.
"Gawrsh, he said he'd be in the house in the Third District!" said Goofy.
"Oh. Well which one?"
"How am I supposed ta know? Gawrsh, it's always 'where does who live, Goofy', 'which way did they go, Goofy'... I'm gettin' sick of hearin' all that stuff. When are you going to rely on Donald for once? A-hyuck?"
"Goofy... are you okay?"
"There's only one house in the whole district, and that's over there," Donald said, pointing. "So if you two are done, let's go."
And so they walked, but apparently a Farceless was right there. It leapt at them, but was killed as who else but Riku should... kill it.
"GASP! Riku?" Sora gasped.
"There you are," Riku said calmly. "I've been looking everywhere for you. You're a pain to keep up with."
"And you're a pain just to be around," Sora retorted, glaring at him.
They both gave each other nasty looks, but then laughed.
"It's really you!" Sora said happily.
"Yep."
Sora's face fell. "Wait... Where's Kairi?"
"Huh? She isn't with you?"
"Nope."
"Oh... Well, we shouldn't worry. I'm sure she's all right. She probably made it off the island, too. I bet she's looking for us right now."
"You're pretty optomistic."
"Don't go cutting yourself, now."
"..."
"...That was in horrible taste, I know."
"..."
"I'm sorry."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Just say something!"
"You're a moron."
"Takes one to know one, idiot."
"Stupid."
"Fool."
"N00b."
"Dumb-a--"
"Mama's boy."
"GASP! Don't you dare!"
"Yo' mama."
"Stop it! Stop it right now!"
"Ooh, does Sora miss his mommy?"
"Shut up!"
"Hey, hey, stop it," Donald said.
Riku raised an eyebrow, having noticed either Disney character right then. "Who are they?"
"Oh, they're Donald and Goofy. I actually made friends when I was ripped off the only home I'd ever known. Unlike you, you friendless, friendless person, you."
"...Big words, Sora." Riku smirked. "But we'll all be together again soon. Just leave everything to me. I know this place like the front of my hand."
"Then do you know there's a Farceless behind you?"
"Eh. Maybe. Is there?"
"Yeah," admitted Sora, looking somewhat sheepish. "I wasn't gonna tell you, but it just..." He thwacked it on the head, subsequently killing it. "Erm, anyway! I've been looking for you and Kairi with their help. They're paid to smile, so it's been kind of fun. We've visited like... three worlds but I say that's a lot of trouble to go through to look for you. Kairi... I could look forever!"
"I know you like her and she likes you, but could you not rub it in please?" Riku asked him quietly. "I have issues about that."
"Oh I know. I just don't care all that much."
"You'll care in Chain of Memories!"
"GASP! You've been doing what all characters in our situation do!" Sora gasped. He pulled the script from out of nowhere (from behind his back) and waved it around. "YOU'VE BEEN READING THE SCRIPT!"
"Yeah, it is a pretty big cliché, isn't it? But the author felt it necessary to use the joke."
"She's such a bitch."
"Oh I know."
"I hate her so much."
"Let's get back on track, 'kay? Your new buddies may be getting paid to play along, but we're not. I don't have the time to create a blooper reel."
At this, Sora and Riku broke the fourth wall by looking at the computer screen/camera/what have you.
They both cleared their throats and resumed the scene.
"Really? I never would've guessed," Riku said, looking a bit impressed.
"Yup! And Sora's the Keyblade master now," Goofy said, smiling like a moron. "Who'd o' thunk?"
"Not me..." Riku mumbled.
"What was that?" Sora asked.
"Nothing."
"Anyway..." Sora turned to Goofy for a good scolding. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"So this is a Keyblade, huh?"
Sora spun around, only to nearly jump out of his big shoes upon seeing Riku holding his (Sora's not Riku's) Keyblade in one hand, looking it over. Sora fainted.
"What's his deal?"
Donald and Goofy shrugged.
Sora hopped up. "Hey, give it back!" He held out an expectant hand.
Riku backed up, smirking. Then he tossed it at Sora. "Catch!"
Of course Sora caught it. He's not a total loser.
"Gee, thanks for throwing it at me."
"You're welcome."
"So you're coming with us, right? We don't have anything cool, but we do have the Little Einsteins rocket."
"No, he can't come!" Donald snapped suddenly.
"What? Why not?"
"He just can't, okay?"
"Oh come on! He's my best friend ev... no, wait. He's my friend!"
"And I don't care."
"Gawrsh, he's gone," Goofy said to change the subject.
Sora turned around and, indeed, Riku had gone away. "Aww, man..." He snapped his fingers and shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Gee, I'm sorry. If I'd known you would've been so torn up over not having him come with us--"
"No, no, I'm angry and sad that Kairi isn't anywhere to be found."
"...Ah."
So then they went to that little house that needed re-decorating. Of course I've never mentioned this before, but still. It was there.
And this time, it was re-decorated. (BUM-BUM-BUUUUUM!)
Cid looked at them, rubbing his fuzzy chin. "Hey, you guys ever hear of Maleficent? I hear she's in town."
"You mean the evil lady fro--"
"Who's she?" Donald asked, pushing Sora to the ground.
"She's a witch! And a durn evil one, too."
"Aren't most witches evil?" Sora asked, getting up and glaring at Donald.
"Glinda's not!" Aeris said diztily from her side of the house, where she and Yuffie were standing by the only bed. Hmmm. I wonder why there's only one bed? They probably couldn't afford another one.
Everyone in the house (sans herself) stared at her. "...What?"
"Aeris, I knew you were kinda girly and flirtatious, but let's get you off the pills that keep you alive, huh?" Squall suggested from where he was leaning against the wall. He sure does that an awful lot. "I think they're turning you into... a Rikku."
Every Final Fantasy character kinda muttered to themselves about how that wasn't really all that bad.
"...I mean X-2 Rikku."
Their eyes bugged out in shock and horror.
"Anyway!" Cid said, irate.
Squall cleared his throat. "She's the reason why this town is full of Farceless. Don't take her lightly."
"Oh, yeah, Sora's always the one who takes people lightly, is that it?" Sora asked, crossing his arms and giving Squall a look.
"Well you are kind of overly-trusting and naïve. And a little arrogant. And hyper. And any other flaw I can think of that a child would possess."
Sora threw his hands into the air. "Why don't we stereotype everybody in here while we're at it? Sora's a child! Aeris is a semi-ditz! Yuffie's a ninja! Cid's a chain-smoker! Leon's a bast--"
Aeris decided to interrupt for the well-being of every person present, human or not. "She's been using the Farceless for years!"
"She's the reason why our world is gone..." Squall said, his eyes narrowed in bitterness. And hate. And loathing. And maybe hunger.
"One day, a swarm of Farceless came and took over," Cid said.
"That was... nine years ago," Squall said. Even though you know and I know that he has to be like... twenty-six in this game to make THAT work. And he probably knows it, too.
"Yeah yeah, anyway. I got out of that mess and came here with these guys."
"Unfortunately, many of our loved-ones were lost in the ensuing chaos," Yuffie said cryptically. "I mean that both as a means to ease the pain welling up inside of us at the mere mention of their deaths, and the fact that we indeed actually lost some people on our way here in Cid's airship."
"Yeah. Tifa threw herself overboard," Cid said. "All 'cause Cloud went mad in a fit of crazy-rage and murdered Vincent, then stole the guy's identity," Cid continued.
"What was that all about?"
"I think he got screwed up in the drug ring again."
"...You mean the Jenova Cells, right? That's what you were talking about... right?"
"...Maybe."
"That's awful!" said Donald at their tale of misery and woe.
"Our ruler was a wise man named Ansem," Squall said. "He dedicated his misbegotten studies to researching the Farceless. All of this will be slowly and pain-stakingly revealed to you over the course of this, the next, and the last parts of this... this... I don't want to call it a 'game', but it just seems that way, doesn't it?"
"Or a big parody for the sake of bad, tasteless humor," Sora said.
They all looked up thoughtfully.
This chapter's really long. Are you still reading it? You sure you don't want to take a bathroom break right now? I mean... seriously. It's like... fourteen pages long already. And I'm barely into it. So go get a snack or something, okay?
You done? Got your snack? Gone to the bathroom? Good.
Let's continue.
"Ansem's report should tell us how to get rid of the Farceless," Cid said ten minutes ago. Hey, you're the one who decided to do all the stuff I suggested, not me!
"So where is this report?" Sora asked.
"...Did we not already discuss this?" Aeris asked, looking confused.
"No, no, that was with us," Donald told her.
"Oh, right."
"Its pages scattered when our world was engulfed in bad humor."
"That was... pretty dramatic," Sora commented.
"Thank you, I've been working on my drama."
"I'm sure Maleficent's got most of the pages," Cid said, tired of being ignored.
Meanwhile...
"See, young Padawan? Your 'friend'--" Maleficent used the quotation-finger thingies. "--no longer cares for you. You saw the look on his face when he was talking to the duck. I mean, he got new friends. And one of them is a duck. You can't compete against that."
Riku looked at his shoes disappointedly. Then he looked back into the house.
What Riku Saw There...
"Ah, I see you've delivered the book," Cid noticed outloud. He tossed a Navi-G piece at Sora and the author is having trouble wording this sentence the right way. "Now you can jump to worlds you've already visited. Think of it as the airship system of Final Fantasy X. Except without me there to nag at you in a southern accent. Welp, better be gettin' back to m'real job." He was silent for a second. "What's my real job? Well, you'll find out. Just come to the First District."
"For some reason, I suspect that it is a very dirty job."
"Oh, yes. Stuff gets everywhere."
"And fluids are involved?"
"You could say that..."
"And does it involve 'chassees' of any sort?"
"All the models!"
"Er... I'm afraid to ask what it is now. But you are a sick man."
"What are you talking about? I work on Gummi ships, you little pervert!"
"...Well. Just forget that little bit of innuendo, hmm?"
"Pfft. Whatever. You little weirdo."
And with that, Cid left, muttering to himself about how into sex the younger generations were nowadays and how bad parents were not blocking that stuff from their vulnerable kiddies. Though I'm sure Sora has no idea what sex is or if he even knew what he was talking about.
"Sora, what was the deal with that little bit of... Disney-inappropriate dialogue?"
"...Huh? Oh, I don't know, I just thought I was being witty."
"...You're a moron," Donald said, looking bitter and angry. "'Sides, a kid like you doesn't need to know about that stuff."
"Okay."
And then we got off the subject. Yay!
Aeris looked kind of worried, so Sora walked over to her.
"I've been thinking about that bell in the Second District..." she said.
"You mean the one that rang a while ago?"
"...That was a week ago."
"Really? Was I gone that long?"
"No. We just haven't had anything to act out for a whole week."
"Ah."
"Yeah, the bell above the Gizmo Shop," Yuffie said, having been standing right there the whole time. "There's a legend about it, you know."
"But it's all boarded up, and nobody can get in there."
"I'm sure with his spontaneous nature, he's already out the door and on his way to break wood that we as tax-payers have provided the money for," Squall said from across the room.
Aeris and Yuffie looked at where Sora and his pals should've been. But instead, there was empty room.
Indeed, Sora had gone about the time Aeris said 'boarded up', and probably hadn't heard the 'nobody can get in there' part. Because really? He could care less. And so could you, and the author, and anybody else somebody could name off at random.
After much Farceless-exterminating and using a Trinity move to break the cheap, rotted boards, Sora, Donald, and Goofy stared at the bell.
"So, erm... what do we do now?" Sora asked, looking to his friends for support.
Goofy and Donald shrugged.
Sora turned back to the bell. Then he smiled like an idiot and rung it once...
DONG...
...twice...
DONG...
...twice-and-a-half...
DONG(1/2)...
...(annoying statement goes here)...
ANNOY...
...thrice.
DONG!
And then they stood there for a moment. Sora's face fell and he looked around expectantly. "Geez, you ring three times and still nobody answers the door?"
His Disney compadrés gave him odd looks.
"I mean, the NERVE of some people!"
"Sora... there is no door. That's not a door-bell."
"Don't you think I know that?"
"Gawrsh, somebody's really bipolar."
"What are you talking about, Goofy? I do not have two poles." He was about to make his point, when he noticed that there was a keyhole-shaped hole in the courtyard below. Sora leapt from the top of the building. Donald and Goofy stared at the place he'd previously occupied, eyes wide.
"Gawrsh..." Goofy said, taking his hat off and placing it over his heart. "He was a brave lil' Mouskateer. A-a... (sniffle) A-hyuck!" He started sobbing into his hat.
"Oh, you goof! He's still alive. He's standing right down there." Donald pointed down at the ground, where Sora was looking under various objects to see if either of his buddies (not Riku and Kairi... well, maybe) were there.
"...Oh." Goofy replaced his hat and straightened his vest. "A-hyuck. Let's go, then, shall we? Gawrsh."
"Age before beauty."
"Gawrsh, Donald! But you'd go before me."
"...," said Donald. He shoved Goofy off the side and followed shortly after.
A few minutes later...
"You know..." Sora started as they walked toward Traverse Town's Keyhole. "...When I first met you guys, I thought you were both really crazy and dumb."
"And that's how we felt about you," Donald said under his breath.
"But then I got to know you a little, and all I can say is..." He looked up, a thoughtful expression on his face. "...my opinion of you hasn't changed all that much."
"It's probably because you're not that dynamic. When are you going to start going through life-changing experiences?"
"Yeah, but you haven't known me that long. I used to be like... a real retard. Now I'm all world-savvy and stuff."
"Sure you are."
"No, no, I am! Before I was competing with Riku to see who could do what fastest, or who could do the coolest thing, or who could dress the best!"
I'm sure you won that one, Donald thought, but knew better than to say so lest he start an unecessary five-page argument/rant/nobody's victory.
"But now I have a goal that doesn't consist of me trying to knock Riku off the swings at the playground, or me trying to beat Riku on a little island, or me tyring to beat Riku in a race, or me trying to get him to stop trying to hold my hand!"
Then the author realized that she'd forgotten that joke and she'd meant to insert it in that scene way back when with Riku. She felt horribly bad and started beating herself up.
And nobody gives a crap. (Neither does the author.)
"And that goal is?"
"To find my friends and/or defeat the evil welling up inside every world, all the while learning an important life-lesson from all of this...somehow..." He trailed off awkwardly and gave an embarrassed grin, and they finally reached the Keyhole after about a whole page of doing so. "Welp! Time to seal another--"
CLANK.
"--clank? What?"
The Guard Armor (the one from before, 'member?) had tumbled down from on high and landed in a ginormigantuan heap in front of them. It immediately picked itself up, all of its pieces connecting like some horrible, giant, evil, sinister Kinnex kind of thing. The helmet rolled into place as its Boss Theme picked up.
"I thought we got rid of that thing," Sora whispered to Donald and Goofy.
"Well gawrsh, I guess we didn't," Goofy said.
A loud metallic sound made them all look up, only to see that the Guard Armor was tapping a giant Rolex watch that was attached to its wrist, the giant clawlike finger's tip clicking impatiently. It also tapped its food against the ground to emphasize its point.
"Okay, okay, hold your horses," grumbled Donald.
Then they fought to the death. But the Guard Armor wouldn't go down that easily this time, so it collapsed to the ground and reassembled as something even more horrifying and weird-looking than before:
It turned upside-down.
Except its head pretty much stayed on top of it. Anyway, what I mean is that its whole body swung around, the wide end up where its head went, and its arms and legs kind of reversed positions. So now it stood on talon-looking things and had lobster claws for arms/hands.
So now it looked retarded.
Sora laughed at it, only to nearly be shot by the big ball of whitish-blue energy it had launched because now it was not only a giant boss--it was a giant cannon. Sora chased after the thing when it was aiming, but only succeeded in making it back up at high speeds.
It took its final aim; Sora's HP meter (along with Donald and Goofy's) was nearly finished. It would be the only Farceless to beat him, so it would have something to brag about to its friends.
CRASH!
Sora stopped all of a sudden. The Opposite Armor (as it now was dubbed) was a big pile of metal once again. It didn't twitch or anything, either. After a few moments of just kind of lying there, it finally disappeared, and the humor that powered it returned to wherever it is that it goes.
Donald furrowed his brow. "Did it just run into a wall?"
"...Yup."
"Well I guess it was a good idea for you to just blindly charge it, unlike how I thought that it would be rather stupid of you."
"I wasn't even paying attention to where it was going..."
"Don't give yourself too much credit, Sora. We helped, too."
"I wasn't! I was stating a fact. They did teach me something in the first eight grades, you know."
"Just seal the Keyhole before something else pops up."
"Okay, okay, keep your pants on," Sora grumbled, despite the fact that Donald didn't wear pants and we all know that. So after that flashy move he used the two previous times, he sealed the Traverse Town Keyhole! Yippee-yay.
Some time later...
"Cid said his real job was in the First District," Sora said.
"Yes, and you were told this in a rather tasteless way," Donald replied. "You were horrible."
"I know..."
They were walking in the First District from the Second District's door. Immediately thereafter, they entered the Accessory Shop and found a small wooden boy huddled in a corner by the counter.
"I know what he does!" Sora exclaimed excitedly. "He sells children for hard labor!"
Donald slapped him with his wizardin' staff.
"Well, well, tan my hide and call me Molly, if it isn't Pinocchio!" Jiminy said happily, hopping out of Sora's hair and onto the counter. Pinocchio looked up.
"Oh. Hi, Jiminy," Pinocchio said rather unenthusiastically.
"What in the Wonderful World of Disney are you doing down there?"
"Um..." He thought fast. Or as fast as a puppet could think. "Playing hide-and-seek."
"Well I'm glad you're okay, Pinocchio," Jiminy said sincerely. "Here I was, worried about nothing! You look fine to me. No splinters or anything. Why, if I had to guess, you haven't been... PINOCCHIO!"
He said 'Pinocchio' in ALL CAPS because at that instant, Pinocchio's nose nearly skewered him. I mean, it would have if it were sharp and not a blunt object jutting from a small boy's face.
"Ehmigod!" said Sora like some rich chick in this book the author read because she had nothing better to do.
"Oh poot," said Pinocchio, looking irritated.
"Pinocchio, are you telling the truth?" Jiminy asked. He got into an authoritative pose, putting his hands on his hips and giving Pinocchio a look. "What have I told you about lying, young puppet?"
"But I'm not lying, Jiminy!"
"Then tell me..." Jiminy pulled the box out from behind Pinocchio's back with much effort. "What in the Sam Hill is this?"
"It was a present," Pinocchio said quickly.
"No fibbing! I told you that lies grow and grow, 'til they get so farfetched that you're bound to get caught! Plain as the nose on your face."
"But why wait? If you really want something, why not just take it?"
Jiminy nearly fainted from the shock he experienced from hearing that statement. "This isn't Final Fantasy! We can't just barge into people's houses and steal the stuff out of their decorative trunks now, can we?"
Sora shifted his eyes.
"You need some advice from your conscience, aka me."
"You're right, Jiminy..." Pinocchio admitted. He stood up, looking happy. "I'll never tell lies as long as you're around!" With that, his nose returned to normal.
"But you told a lie when we got here," Sora pointed out bluntly.
"What's your point?"
The pre-pubescent boy narrowed his eyes at the puppet.
"You need to be good so you can one day become a real boy," Jiminy said, completely ignoring Sora like we all do. "You promised Geppetto you would be, right?"
"Yes, Jiminy. Oh! Do you know where Father is?"
"Not a clue."
"Jiminy, let's go find Father!"
At this point, Sora grew very annoyed. "You won't become a real boy, Pinocchio," he said, only trying to make himself feel better. "You're a puppet. I doubt you're even supposed to be alive."
"But the Blue Fairy said that if I was good enough, I'd become a real boy!"
"And I bet the Blue Fairy also told you that a cricket wearing a top hat and a gentleman's outfit is your conscience, hmm?"
"Gasp! How did you know?"
"Lucky guess." Even though Jiminy had said so only a few minutes ago.
"Now wait a minute, Pinocchio!" Jiminy said warningly. "There's all sorts of dangers and temptations out there--like money, women, and ultimate power--and you're such an impressionable puppet!"
"How can he move around without a nervous system...?" Sora wondered outloud, but nobody heard him. Or at least, they ignored him. Again.
"I'll go find Geppetto, so you just wait here," Jiminy continued. "These fine fellows will be helping me."
"We will?" Sora asked, zoning in at that moment.
"Well, shall we go, Sora?"
"Don't change the sub--" But it was too late. Jiminy had returned to Sora's hair. "Urgh! When I have the time and resources to fish you out of there, you're gettin' it, Cricket!"
"Wanna go pilot the ship, Sora?" Donald sighed.
"You bet your feathered hindquarters I do!" Sora said excitedly. "Gee, Donald, I can't believe you'd let me--"
Some time later...
"--sit in your seat. You have no idea how happy this makes me!" He was sitting in 'the Donald Chair', but actually it was his regular seat with the words 'Donald Chair' scribbled on the back of it in black Sharpie. "Where are we goin', huh?"
"To some place whose name I can't pronounce," Goofy said crankily. "Gawrsh."
TO BE CONTINUED!