(Note: Kairi is like my fourth favorite character, but the title of this chapter was too funny.)
Goofy pointed randomly in some direction and said, "Gawrsh, look at that!"
Sora looked thoughtful. "I know this place..."
"I wonder why? A-hyuck."
"I don't know, but I have this warmth inside, right here," he patted his stomach.
"Aww, you're just hungry," which is how Donald wrote it off. Meaning that yes, that was a statement. By Donald.
"Hey, I'm serious!"
"ROOOOAAAR!"
"Oh, never mind. I guess you were right." He gave a lop-sided smile. "I do have the strangest urge to eat chicken dumplings all of a sudden."
"That wasn't your stomach, you moron. It came from inside that castle!" Donald pointed his wizardin' staff towards the creepy-looking castle in the distance. "Let's go!"
Hollow Bastion
"No vessel, no help from the Farceless," Riku said, his arms crossed. He looked over the giant Beast in front of him skeptically. "So, tell me. How'd you get here?"
"I simply believed," Beast rumbled. "There's nothing more to it. When our world was drowned in bad humor, Belle was taken from me. I vowed I would find her again, no matter if it cost me an arm or a leg or a horn or fifty dollars. I believed I would find her, and since this is where I ended up, she must be here. And I will have her back!"
"Take her... if you can."
Beast was understandably angered by this pubescent boy's confidence and unbelievably gay style of dress, so he lunged at Riku with serious intent to kill. Alas... he never got to maul Riku like he or the author wanted, and Riku ended up doing a Neo dodge and impossibly injuring Beast. How he did that is beyond me because logically if Sabor managed to break Sora's pelvis then Beast should've been able to at least snap Riku's spine. It's like setting up a St. Bernard against a chiuaua. Riku being the chiuaua, obviously.
"Stop!" came Sora's voice from the doorway as he ran over to where Riku was going to beat up Beast and take his lunch money.
"So, you finally made it," Riku smirked. "'Bout time. I've been waiting for you. We've always been rivals, haven't we? You've always pushed me as I've pushed you."
"Riku, stop trying to be cool. You're not. You're turning into more of a gay-wad than I've always made you out to be."
"But... my mom says I'm cool!"
"My mom says I'm cool, too. But that's not the case, is it?" He stopped himself. "Wait, no! I'm definitely cool!"
"Well I'm cooler than you, no matter what your mom or my mom says!" He looked like he was about to beat Sora up and take his lunch money too, but then composed himself. "It all ends here. There can't be two Keyblade masters."
"What the heck are you talking about you crazy fool?"
"Let the Keyblade choose... its true master."
There was a pause and suddenly there was a bright flash of light. Sora tightened his grip on the Keyblade's handle, only to find that it was no longer there. "Holy creepin' crap! What the--?"
"GASP!" gasped Goofy and Donald in unison, making extremely surprised faces.
Riku chuckled, looking over the Keyblade. "Maleficent was right. You don't have what it takes to save Kairi, so it's up to me." He stuck his tongue out at Sora, who was now on his knees and looking very, very betrayed. "Only the Keyblade master can open the secret door and change the world."
"KEYBLADE!" screeched Sora in a high-pitched voice. "After all we've been through? This is how you repay me?"
The Keyblade remained silent.
"Sorry, Sora. But the Keyblade's with me now," Riku said while looking very apathetic. "You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it, Sora--you're only hurting yourself. It's what the Keyblade wants. And what the Keyblade wants, is me! Right Keyblade?"
The Keyblade remained silent.
"Keyblade..." Sora wailed quietly.
"Here, go play hero with this like you used to on the islands," Riku said then threw a shodily-made wooden sword (presumably Riku's) that hit Sora in the head and clattered to the ground. It was very unintimidating.
"Goofy, let's go," Donald said, pointing in Riku's direction. "We have to remember our mission."
"Oh, right. Gawrsh. Well, I know the King told us to foller the key and all, but..."
Donald waddled over to Sora and patted him on the back. "Sorry, Sora. No hard feelings, right?"
"Neh..." Sora sighed pathetically, not looking up.
"See you some other time."
With that, Goofy and Donald followed Riku out of the area.
"Why? Why? Why?" Sora asked the deafening silence. "First my best friends, then the Keyblade, now my new Disney friends... all gone! And it's all because of... Riku." He narrowed his eyes and looked over at the injured Beast, who was just laying there.
Beast grunted as he tried to move and Sora went into effeminite mode.
"Hey, don't move! You're hurt."
"Why did you come?" Beast asked quietly. "I came to fight for Belle, and though I am on my own, I will fight. I won't leave without her and that's why I'm here..."
Sora picked up the wooden sword, looking totally uninterested now that he was sure Beast could fight. "Hey, I feel for you buddy. That son of a you-know-what ruined my life by opening the door to our island. I came here to find someone very important to me, too."
"Hrmm..."
"Now let's go kick his chap-clad ass!"
"Your speech was very inspiring, Stupid Haired one," Beast said, standing up and hunching over a bit. Sora looked somewhat offended. "You may call me Beast. And your name?"
"Sora."
"As you said, let's go KICK HIS ASS!"
Meanwhile...
"O purest of farce! Reveal to me the Keyhole!" Maleficent said, raising her arms in the air. Belle, Jasmine, Aurora, Snow White, Alice, Cinderella, and Kairi were all in weird holding chambers in a deep sleep. The six obvious princesses' gut areas began to glow, and hit the Keyhole, making it glow.
Un-meanwhile...
In the Entrance Hall, Sora shook his wooden sword free of a dead Farceless, and as the body hit the floor it evaporated into the air along with the humor it held.
The Beast turned to him, picked his teeth free of a Farceless' antenna, and growled, "Be on your guard. There are more in here, I can feel it. And I can also feel... BELLE!" He turned to where Belle was standing, but she turned into a Farceless. He tore off after it, furious.
Sora ran after Beast, but a voice stopped him: "Quit while you can."
Sora looked to his left, where Riku, Donald, and Goofy were standing. It sounds so wrong if it's not 'Sora, Donald, and Goofy', you know? Darn it, Riku!
"No, not without Kairi," Sora almost yelled, a glint of hatred in his eyes.
A big blob of darkness enveloped him, and suddenly he was in a purple-and-black suit with the Farceless symbol on his chest and a towel or some kind of sheet was strapped to his waist. "The--"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that supposed to intimidate me? This wooden sword's scarier than you!"
Riku looked very unamused as Sora continued to make fun of him. He sighed and looked down at himself. "Ugh. Maybe the idiot's right. But as long as I have the power to control the Farceless, I won't let that stand!" He cast a Fire spell, which hit Sora's hair.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sora screamed like a little girl, then stopped, dropped, and rolled. His hair was singed a little bit, but other than that it was okay. Don't worry about it.
"The bad humor will destroy you."
"You're wrong, Riku," said the younger boy. "The bad humor may destroy my body but it will never touch my farce. My farce will stay with my friends--it'll never die!"
"Really..." Riku chuckled darkly, holding up a hand. "Well, we'll just see about that!" He then shot a large ball of glowing energy at Sora.
As Sora went to do a Neo dodge to avoid being zapped into next Tuesday, he found he couldn't move. "Well I guess this is it. I've had a good life." He closed his eyes and waited for the searing pain of being engulfed in Riku's poor sense of humor, but that never came. Instead, he heard a dull 'clank' and when he opened his eyes he found Goofy standing there with his shield up.
"Sora ain't gonna go nowhere!" he yelled at Riku.
"You'd betray your king?" Riku challenged.
"Not on your life!" Goofy said dramatically. "But I ain't gonna betray Sora, neither, 'cause he's become one o' my best buddies after all we've been through together! See ya later, Donald. Could ya tell the King I'm really sorry?"
"H...hold on, Goofy," Donald said, running up and joining the duo. "We'll tell him together! Well, you know... All for one and one for all."
"Gawrsh, I guess you're stuck with us, Sora," Goofy said with a big smile.
"Aww, you guys," Sora muttered. "Thanks a lot, Donald, Goofy..."
"Awwww," said the audience.
"But how will you fight without a weapon?" said the now-slightly-flustered Riku, gah-LARING at them.
"I know now that I don't need the Keyblade," Sora said confidently. "Because I've got a better weapon: My farce!"
"Your farce? What good will that weak little thing do for you?"
"Although my farce may be weak, it's not alone," said Sora, going into a long-winded speech/rant. Again. "It's grown with each new experience, and it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their farce just as they've become a part of mine." About here, The Star-Spangled Banner started playing in the background. "And if they think of me now and then... if they don't forget how I made them laugh... then our farce will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!" He held up a hand triumphantly as the anthem hit its crescendo, but as he did so there was a flash of light and the Keyblade weighed his arm down. The music shorted out as he stared at it. "Oh, hey. You came back!"
"Crap! Well, at least I'm rid of your stupid friends. They were kinda holding me back."
"Riku, I'm gonna kill you so bad you'll feel it in the morning!" Sora yelled, then they charged at each other and a big epic battle took place which Sora was the victor of, because he was using the power of FRIENDSHIP to conquer the darkness. Go Sora, go!
Riku twitched and reverted back to his other gay outfit, then ran off somewhere like the pansy he is.
It was then that Beast came to the scene, chewing on a Farceless' leg. He swallowed it. "So, your farce won the battle."
Sora nodded and then they started a whole big fetch-quest to find the pieces of the emblem on the door to open it. Which was boring and tedious so let's go see what that gay loser Riku's doing!
Meanwhile...
"Why? It was mine," he grumbled, running down a hall.
"Know this," said the hooded man from WAAAAAY back in Destiny Islands, appearing from a portal of darkness. "The farce that is strong and true shall win the Keyblade."
Riku looked mildly offended by this remark. "Oh, so you're saying my farce is weaker than his?"
"For that instant, it was, because you were thinking of something witty to use as a taunt/insult/general mean thing to say," the man said. "However... you can become stronger. You showed no fear in stepping through the door to darkness. It held no terror for you. You didn't wet yourself like all the other people who did, that's for sure. Anyway, plunge deeper into darkness, and your farce will grow even stronger."
Riku turned to the audience. "Do you understand any of this? 'Cause I don't."
The hooded man stepped into Riku's line of vision. "It's really quite simple. Open yourself to the darkness. That is all. Let your farce, your being, become darkness itself."
Riku did so and he might have become more powerful but I don't care. This isn't about him. If it was, then he would be the main character and not just the Sephiroth stock character that he, Seymour, and Seifer are.
Some time later...
"So, I see the path has emerged at last," said Riku in a voice that was not his own.
"Yes," Maleficent said with a sneer. "The Keyhole to the bad humor."
"Unlock it and the Farceless will overrun this world."
"What do I care? The bad humor holds no power over me. Rather, I will use its power to rule all worlds."
"Such confidence," said Riku with a 'feh'. A dark Keyblade appeared in his hand. "...Hmm. Didn't know that would happen."
"Oh! I...impossible! The princesses of farce are all here!" Maleficent gasped, then looked down at the unconcious Kairi who was laying there like a lump. "It must be her..."
"Without her farce, she will never be able to release her power."
Maleficent looked up suddenly. "The King's fools are here. I'll deal with them myself. You stay here and guard the princesses." With that she zapped off to confront them and popped up in the Castle Chapel, where indeed Sora and pals walked through the door at that moment. "I'm afraid you're too late. Any moment now, the final Keyhole will be unsealed, and this world will be plunged into bad humor. It is unstoppable and inevitable."
Sora pointed the Keyblade at her. "We'll stop it! After coming this far, there's no way we're gonna let that happen!"
The dark fairy cackled evilly. "You poor, simple fools! You actually think you can defeat me? Me, the mistress of all darkness? You, two Disney baffoons, and you, an idiotic boy!"
"I may be an idiot, but I'm not stupid!" Sora yelled and then charged at Maleficent. After a long and very annoying battle in which many meteors collided with the trio, they managed to beat the stuffing out of the witch.
"Well, I guess you proved me wrong," Maleficent grumbled bitterly, then zapped off again.
Another Ansem's Report drifted down to them from nowhere, and Sora hastilly shoved it into his pocket before he ran off to the dark portal that just kind of materialized there and stood there menacingly. After entering it, he stumbled out on the other side, where Riku and Maleficent were.
"Do you need some help?" Riku/Not Riku said.
"Riku!"
Donald stopped suddenly and gasped loudly. "Is that--"
"Yes, it is," Riku said with a smile. "A Keyblade. But unlike yours, which only locks and unlocks doors and maybe a few giant locks, this Keyblade holds the power to unlock people's farce. Allow me to demonstrate." He stabbed Maleficent in the stomach. "Behold!"
"Holy moley!" Maleficent cried rather unevilly.
"Now, open your farce, surrender it to the bad humor! Become bad humor itself!" Riku pulled the Keyblade away and then disappeared. Again. Gosh.
Maleficent suddenly stopped hunching over in pain and looked delighted. "This is it...!" she said. "This power!" She spread her arms. "Bad humor! True bad humor!"
Then the camera was stood at an angle where you could see Maleficent's shadow growing large and changing, as Sora, Donald, and Goofy gaped in horror. Then Maleficent the Dragon reared up, spat bright green flames and glared down at the Three Musketeers.
"Holy hell!" Maxi oxymoron'd.
"That looks impossible to beat!" Kilik yelled.
"I'm sure if we combine our strength like we did to beat Soul Edge, we can do this!" Xianghua said, pointing her sword at Maleficent.
"Uhh, 'scuse us," Sora said.
"Huh?" the Three Musketeers asked in unison, all looking down at Sora.
"I think you're in the wrong game."
They looked around for a few minutes, then chuckled.
"So we are!" Xianghua laughed.
"Well, sorry about that," Maxi said. "We'll just be going, then."
With that they disappeared into thin air like nobody in particular tends to do.
And also with that, Maleficent decided to stomp all over the battlefield until by some freak coincidence she killed Sora. But that's not the case. No. He beat her, like he has beat every other boss and I assume he'll do it to all the other bosses, too.
OR WILL HE?
No he will. Sorry to get your hopes up.
Right then Riku decided to pop in to give his opinion. "How ironic. She was just another puppet after all."
"Say WHAAAT?" Donald asked.
"The Farceless were using Maleficent from the beginning," Riku explained. "She failed to notice the bad puns in her farce eating away at her." He stepped on the gigantic corpse as it disappeared. "A fitting end for such a fool." He chuckled and disappeared for the gazillionth time like a weeny.
For some reason they received the Fireglow gem, and they proceeded to the Grand Hall with little notice because I don't remember ever mentioning the Watergleam or the PrancyBambi gems. But whatever.
The trio ran up the steps to a platform where Kairi was laying on her back, unconscious. Goofy smacked into a barrier and passed out.
"GASP! KAIRI OMG!" Sora yelled like an insane person and ran over. He picked her up and shook her a little bit. "Kairi! Kairi! Open your eyes!"
"It's no use," said Riku.
Sora whipped around and glared at him.
"That girl has lost her farce. She cannot wake up."
"You... you're not Riku..." Sora said with narrowed eyes.
'Riku' rolled his eyes. "Was that really so hard to tell? I mean really. Do I sound like a pubescent boy to you?"
"Well, uhh, I figured your voice was just changing 's'all," Sora said sheepishly.
"The Keyhole cannot be completed so long as the last princess of farce still sleeps," 'Riku' said, floating down from the top of the door where he had been previously sitting almost casually.
Sora looked back at Kairi, looking totally confused. "The princess...? Kairi's a princess?" He turned back to Riku with a 'wtf' look. "Say WHAAAT?"
"Yes, and without her power, the Keyhole will remain incomplete," 'Riku' continued. He held up his dark Keyblade. "It is time she awakened."
"Whoever you are, let Riku go! Give him back his farce!"
"But first, you must give the princess back her farce."
Sora fell to his knees as a pain started welling up inside his chest. Argh! Heart attack!
Haha got'cha.
He was really gripping his stomach in pain. "Ohh, I don't feel so good..."
"Sora!" Donald cried in concern.
"Don't you see yet? The princess' farce is responding," said 'Riku'. "It has been there all along. Kairi's farce rests within you!"
"GASP what?" Sora gasped. "Kairi's inside me?"
"I know all that there is to know." He thought about it. "Or, one would assume, anyway."
"Tell me... who are you?" Sora asked in a strained voice. I mean gosh, it must've hurt if he's still reeled over in pain!
"It is I, Ansem, seeker of bad humor," Ansem the Riku said with a smile. Donald yelled angrily and ran at him, his wizardin' staff branded. But as the duck leapt at him, Ansem started walking forward and merely batted the duck out of the way.
"ARGH!" Donald screamed as he was sent flying outside of the barrier.
"So, I shall release you now, Princess," Ansem said, addressing Kairi as if she wasn't totally out of it. "Complete the Keyhole with your power. Open the door, lead me into everlasting bad humor!"
Everything shifted into slow-motion as Ansem lifted his Keyblade and as he was about to strike Sora down.
"Sora!" came a very familiar voice.
CLANG!
"Forget it!" he growled. Then he swung with all his might, and pushed Ansem the Riku away. "There's no way you're taking--AW DAMN IT!" He noticed that his HP bar had been depleted in the five seconds he had been telling Ansem off. With that, he collapsed to the floor, dead.
Some time later...
Sora looked up and down the endless white hall. Suddenly, objects came flying up to where he was standing, and stopped suddenly. He realized that there were racks upon racks of different Keyblades on either side of him.
"Huh?" he asked with a 'wtf' look.
"Choose your weapon," said a tall black man with tiny shades and a big black overcoat. He was wearing a nice burgandy vest as well.
"Who're you, Mister?" Sora asked in wonderment.
"I am Morpheus. You are in the Matrix."
"...Say WHAAAT?" Sora gasped. "You mean... all the stuff they say, the movies... it's true?"
"Yes."
"Morpheus, what's happened to me?"
"More important than 'what' is when," Morpheus said. "You believe that the year is 2002, when in fact it is closer to 2199. I can't tell you exactly what year it is because we honestly don't know."
"Uhh, no, I'm pretty sure it's 2002."
Morpheus checked the Date feature of his watch. "So you are correct. But anyway. Choose your weapon."
"But... why?"
"You have lost the game, and now you are restarting exactly as you were exactly five seconds before your death. We have decided to respawn you because we felt like it. Anyway, choose your weapon before I get Cowboy Curtis on your butt."
"Yes sir!" With that, he turned to his left, picked up the Keyblade he'd gotten from Olympus Coliseum (when he went back, which is a mystery because I've never specified it exactly). Then there was a bright flash of light and he found himself kneeling in front of Kairi, holding his gut again. "Wha...?"
"Sora!" came a very familiar voice.
CLANG!
"Forget it!" he growled. Then he swung with all his might, and pushed Ansem the Riku away. "There's no way you're taking Kairi's farce!" Then he proceeded to beat Ansem/Riku into a bloody pulp.
Riku dropped his Keyblade and looked helpless.
"Riku!" Sora called.
"Sora look!" Donald said.
"The Keyhole!" Goofy also said, pointing at it.
Sora tried to seal it but alas, nothing happened when he pointed the Keyblade at it.
"Gawrsh, it won't work!" Goofy stated the obvious. "...The Keyhole's not finished yet."
"What can we do?" Sora asked with a confused expression.
"Maybe we've gotta go wake Kairi up, a-hyuck."
"I think you're right, but... how?" He looked hopeless and almost had a Kairi seizure like in Chapter Three. You remember that, don'tcha? No? TOO BAD. He looked to his left, where the dark Keyblade was sitting. He started thinking, then held it up. "Hmm... definitely cooler than mine."
"No, Sora! Don't do it! Don't stab yourself in the gut thus unlocking Kairi's farce but subsequently killing yourself in the process!" Donald said desperately.
Sora gave him a 'wtf' look. "What are you, crazy? I was just gonna see if it was any better than mine!" Then he went to walk down the stairs but tripped and accidentally impaled himself on the Keyblade. "Oh ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!" He started to fall slowly down the stairs, as the princesses' farce returned, including Kairi's.
Kairi opened her eyes and got up suddenly. "Ooh, my head..." she griped, then saw Sora falling ever-so-slowly to his death. "Sora!" She ran forward to try and catch him, but he disappeared before she was able to.
"Sora, come back Sora!" Donald called into the castle.
Sora in teh Darkness argh!
"What... what's happening to me? I feel like I want to eat something. Mm. Like pancakes. Mmm, pancakes. No, no... not pancakes... though they sound good. I'll have to get some once I find a way to get out of this big black nothingness. Mmm, big black nothingness..."
Meanwhile...
"Sora, are you really..." Kairi started, looking close to tears. She looked up determindly. "No! I won't let him go!"
"So, you have awakened at last, Princess."
Everyone turned to their left, where the hooded man was standing. He slowly lowered his hood to reveal ANSEM! And he looked like an adult Bran Davies except with tan skin and without the melodrama. "The Keyhole is now complete. You have served your purpose. But now it's over."
Donald and Goofy moved in front of Kairi, readying their respective weapons.
"Oh no you don't!" Donald said.
"Gawrsh, Donald, do you think we can beat him all by ourselves?" Goofy whispered to his feathered friend.
"...Probably not, but we'll take our chances."
Ansem stepped forward but didn't seem to be himself. "Impossible!"
A glowing image of Riku suddenly appeared, looking very pissed off. "YOU!" he yelled in a high-pitched voice, pointing at Ansem. "Ugh! When I free myself of you, I'm so going to kill you!"
"Riku!"
The image of Riku whipped around and smiled widely. "KAIRI!" he said hopefully. But then his face fell. "Wait! You've gotta run! The Farceless are coming!"
Indeed, a few Farceless sprung up out of nowhere and Kairi, Donald, and Goofy made a break for it.
"What about the Keyhole?" Goofy asked as they ran as fast as they could.
"Forget about it right now!" Donald yelled back. "Let's just get out of here!"
They entered the Entrance Hall, where Kairi stopped for some reason.
"Kairi, hurry!" Goofy told her.
"But... Sora! He might still be alive! I mean, if he is, I can't just leave him, you know?"
"We can't stay here!" Donald yelled at her. She made a face.
"Garwsh, there's a Farceless!" Goofy said, pointing at a Farceless that was sort of dancing behind Kairi.
"I'll take care of it..." Donald chuckled, then went to smack it. As his blow connected, the Farceless narrowed its eyes and shook a fist at him. "Stupid Farceless! I'm not your vile mother!"
At this the Farceless seemed to grow so offended that it whipped out a piece of paper and wrote down, "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOMMA?" in capitol letters.
Kairi inched towards it. "Sora? Is that you?" she asked. Goofy and Donald readied their weapons as they were surrounded by about twenty other Farceless. Kairi looked around, then crouched down and held the Farceless close. "This time... I'll protect you."
The other Farceless approached her menacingly, but suddenly they all like, exploded or something as Sora popped back into existance where Kairi's Farceless had been only moments ago. He paused for a second before giving her a hug. "Kairi... thanks a ton."
"Sora..."
Goofy and Donald looked happy to see Sora, but then they both sighed dreamily and said, "Awwww..."
But the Farceless wouldn't have that so they approached the two teens until they were dangerously close. But then Beast barreled into them and looked at Sora. "Go! Now!"
"Come with us!"
"No, I'm not leaving without Belle. I mean, geez, you wouldn't leave without her, would you?" Beast nodded toward Kairi.
"Mmm... I guess not." Sora shrugged.
"Ugh!" said Kairi, giving him a look.
"Uhh, I mean... Let's get out of here before the Farceless get us!" Sora said, then they all ran out to the Gummi Ship and flored it to Traverse Town.
TO BE CONTINUED!