CHAPTER 25
MORNING
Sydney winces groaning as she stirs awake, "My head"
"What the bloody fuck did we do? Drink the whole liquor cabinet?" Sark groans pulling the pillow over his head.
"I think we did." Sydney answers "Uh how did we end up in bed?"
"I have no idea." Sark mumbles "But keep your voice down."
"Ugh" Sydney pulls her own pillow over her head.
Sark's mind drifts back over the nights events "Bristow?"
"Shh voice down... head hurts." Sydney mumbles
"Is it my drunken imagination or did you say you want to have another child last night?"
"Uh"
"Sydney" Sark reaches for her pillow trying to pull it away.
"Head hurts" Sydney grumbles
"Sydney"
"Sark I talk a lot when I'm drunk... ask Weiss. God knows what I confessed to him during our drinking nights. Hell I fucked his cousin once."
"Sydney" Sark pulls the pillow off her head then asks again. "Did you?"
Sydney frowns "I could have. I think we drank too much for me to trust my memory, though my memory says you sang the theme to SpongeBob SquarePants. Who knows if that was true?" She shrugs
"Do you Sydney?"
"After everything that has happened these last two days do you really want to talk about this?"
"When is there a better time? Once we get home and have to deal with the kids, work, your Dad and your ex?"
Sydney stares at him "Sark do you really want to talk about this?"
"Why not?" Sark shrugs at he brushes her hair out of her face.
"Sark"
"I just... I want to think about something else for a while Syd."
Sydney inwardly flinches at the slight desperation in his voice. She sighs rolling to her back "Like I said I say things when I'm drunk. Hell for all I know I could have told Weiss about Niko while drunk. Which he was drunk too so he probably wouldn't remember." She says thoughtfully. "Or he could and just never said anything." She muses
"You are avoiding the question Sydney." Sark remarks
"I'm not avoiding." Sydney argues. "I just don't get why you are bringing this up now Sark. After all that has happened..." She trails off taking a deep breath she looks at him. "You can't avoid yesterday Sark. And you can't just go back to how things were."
"Fine." Sark growls rolling out of bed he grabs a pair of pajama bottoms out of his bag sitting on a chair in the corner. He walks out of the room heading straight to the liquor cabinet grabbing the first bottle he finds taking a drink.
Sydney lies there surprised by his behavior knowing her Sark doesn't let her avoid things that easily. She gets out of bed wincing at the pain in her head as she grabs one of his dress shirts pulling it on. She walks to the doorway of the room and watches as Sark stands at the window drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. "Sark"
"Ten years didn't make losing her any easier Syd... so why would time make it easier this time?"
"Because this time you know for sure she's gone." Sydney answers "I just don't get how you can go from finding out your wife didn't die... to knowing for sure... then asking me, the woman you've technically been having an affair with for two years, about having another child?"
Sark flinches at the realization she is right... that he did the one thing he never wanted to do... cheat on his wife. "Legally she's been dead for ten years. Death certificate says it... so technically we didn't have an affair."
"Sark you know what I mean."
"Fine forget I asked... but you were the one who said it."
"Sark I don't even remember saying it... and you were pretty drunk as well."
"Fine whatever you say Bristow."
Sydney winces at his cold tone then turns to walk away then pauses, "Do you?" She asks
"Do I what?" Sark asks absently.
Sydney walks over to him stopping him before he takes another drink of whiskey. One hand on his wrist the other going to his cheek Sydney asks, "Do you want to have another baby?"
"I realized something the night I found out Eva had been pregnant... I have lousy odds with children." He says dryly. "After all I have been responsible for five pregnancies with three different women and have only two children. That I know about. Then lets not get into the fact I lost Lexa for so long... and Niko." He pulls his hand out of Sydney's grip and takes another drink.
"Fine let me point out something. First, one made the choice not to have the baby... she was an idiot because you make adorable and incredible babies. Second, Cassadine made a cruel and selfish decision that he had no right to make. Third, like you said the miscarriage wasn't my fault or yours." She strokes his cheek.
"Maybe its better if we don't... or at least I don't." He says bitterly. "After all look how well that has gone." He walks out of the living room heading back to the bedroom.
Sydney stands there stunned by his self-pitying behavior. She walks into the bedroom to find Sark sitting on the bed leaning forward the bottle dangling. "Sark" when he doesn't reply or look at her Sydney kneels before him taking the bottle out of his hands. "This isn't like you... you never avoid a conversation with me... or a fight for that matter." She strokes his cheek, "I lied." Seeing his startled expression she bites her lip, "The day you came to my apartment... when I told you I wasn't going to have the baby."
"Then why did you say you weren't?"
Sydney shrugs "I wanted you gone... I didn't want to deal with you." She sighs "But when I said it I regretted it... I saw the look in your eyes... you covered it fast but it was there." She winces at the memory of the brief pain and desperation in his eyes she saw. "Truth is I was looking for a way to leave... I knew I couldn't stay and have the baby... especially when I didn't know if I was going to keep it. I didn't want to stay and deal with everyone hassling me about who the father was... that's why when you offered to help me disappear... I took it."
"So you never seriously..."
Sydney looks down "I thought about it..." she admits "but I couldn't do it. After everything that had happened... I couldn't do it. But I also knew I just couldn't give the baby up for adoption... I knew someone could find out. I was seriously thinking of disappearing for good."
"Why didn't you stay?" Sark asks
"Because I knew one day Dad would find me. I knew he wouldn't have stopped looking... and I knew that if everyone found out what had happened between us..." she sighs "I did want to stay Sark... you have no idea how I regretted leaving."
"Why did you then?"
"I was scared." She says softly as she looks at him. "I was scared that by staying I would ruin every ones lives... even yours."
"I wouldn't have asked you to stay if I didn't want you too."
"I know." She stands "I wasn't just scared of ruining lives... I think I was scared I would fall for you even more than I had. And after everything I had been through with Danny, Noah, and Vaughn... I couldn't do it again... or at least I couldn't admit it again." She sighs, "I was confused about everything... and I could tell you were as well. I thought I was doing what was best for all of us in leaving... yes it hurt but I did it. I knew you would protect Nikolai... that you loved him... even though you were scared."
"I swore after what happened to Alexa I would never have another child. Yet when I found out you were pregnant" he runs his fingers through his hair. "Yes I was scared... Alexa and Eva meant everything to me... I lost them."
"So why are you hesitant in having another?"
"I remember how upset you were after the miscarriage... I can't put you through that again."
"Sark" Sydney looks at him, "I know the risks of me being pregnant. Last time we weren't even thinking of me being pregnant... if we had known earlier... it might not have happened... or it still could have." She watches as he stands walking to the window.
"When you were pregnant with Nikolai... it was the happiest I have ever seen you. Even with everything that was going on you were happy. I want to see you like that again."
"You were happy too. As long as I have known you... I have never seen you like that."
"Like what?"
Sydney walks over to him her hand going to his cheek, "You weren't the Sark I had grown to know... and hate. You smiled... for the first time since I had known you... I saw you actually smile... not that smart ass smirk that drove me nuts." She brushes her thumb across his lower lip. "I saw who you could be... had been. I saw how much you love Eva and Alexa. I saw you weren't who we believed for so long."
"I thought you didn't want to have this conversation now."
Sydney shrugs "I didn't want too but you pushed it. I don't like when you avoid conversations... its not like you to avoid."
"I'm not avoiding. I just... I can't dwell on it Sydney. Irina once told me that I never mourned... I just shoved it aside... but I didn't shove it aside. I just couldn't dwell. I loved her Sydney. More than I should have..." He sighs
"I know. And trust me I understand." She strokes his cheek.
Sark pulls away returning to the bed he sits.
Sydney walks over to him kissing his head, "I'll order breakfast." She starts to walk away when he grabs her wrist. "What?"
"You didn't answer my question."
Sydney looks at him "I didn't?"
"No."
"Well you didn't really answer mine." Sydney returns
Sark pulls her on his lap. He brushes her hair back, "The thought has crossed my mind. You?"
"I missed out on everything with Niko... I have thought about another baby... especially lately." She admits. "I know its not a good time for this conversation."
"We never seem to have a good time for conversations lately."
"You know what I mean."
"Because of Eva"
"She is your wife."
"Was Sydney. The only difference in this situation is that I know for sure she's gone." He looks away "I mourned her once Sydney... I can't do it like that again. I was destructive and out of control. Its not just me anymore..." He brings her hand to his lips, "I have a family again."
Sydney smiles "Yeah you do."
"I just don't want to see you hurt again like you were after the miscarriage. And I don't want you hurt if it doesn't happen again."
"So lets just see if it happens" Sydney shrugs
Sark watches her thoughtfully, "So you are thinking about the whole 'nature decides'"
Sydney shrugs "Nature decided Nikolai... after science said that me conceiving would be... difficult." Sydney reminds "But twice it happened." She strokes his cheek, "What's to say it can't happen again?"
"Syd..."
"Just think about it." She kisses him lightly before standing.
Sark stares after her, 'Should we? Can we? I do love her... she does love me.' He runs his hands over his face, 'Can I watch her heart break again? But the happiest I have ever seen her was when she was pregnant with Nikolai.' He closes his eyes going back to Sydney's pregnancy.
/3 YEARS EARLIER
Sark looks up from reading the newspaper to find Sydney sitting on the couch reading her hand absently rubbing her middle./
'She was so content... calm.' Sark muses 'Can I risk it? Can I risk the pain that I saw in her eyes that night at the hospital? But do I have the right to say no to what she wants? I know she wouldn't go off and fuck some guy just to get pregnant... would she?' He shakes his head, "Bloody ridiculous." He notices the picture Sydney had put on the nightstand and picks it up. He smiles at the childish drawing. 'She would have the chance she didn't have with Nikolai... to be there... see everything.' Sark smiles faintly. 'And she is incredible while pregnant. She happy.'
In the living room Sydney picks up the phone pressing for room service.
Hearing Sydney's voice Sark stands walking to the doorway he watches as she talks on the phone. He looks her over shuddering at the memory of her being pregnant. How it felt to hold her... the feel of Nikolai inside her. The nights they made love... how it felt to hold her in his arms.
"Thank you" Sydney hangs up turning to find Sark looking her over. "What?" She watches swallowing heavily at the look in his eyes as he walks towards her. 'He's gorgeous.' "Sark?" She says nervously. "Breakfast will be here soon."
"I think we have something more important to do."
"And that is?" Sydney asks curiously.
"We have a hotel room... no kids to disturb us..." he says seductively as he looks her over.
Sydney swallows heavily at his expression, "Sark what are you saying?"
Sark pulls her close, "No interruptions Sydney."
Sydney grins jumping into his arms kissing him.
Sark breaks the kiss "Syd?"
"Yeah?" She kisses his jaw.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you fall in love with me? I mean after all I had done to you..."
"You understand me." Sydney answers "Plus I saw the real you... the you that you avoided showing anyone." She lowers her legs and stands before him.
Sark groans as she unbuttons the dress shirt allowing it to fall at her feet. "You do realize your father is going to kill us for this."
"Not his decision... besides he does adore Nikolai." She smiles "Besides didn't you hear... I'm trying to live my life for me... and my life includes you." She grabs his hand pulling him to the bedroom.
LATER
Sydney sits up smiling as Sark walks into the bedroom carrying a tray of food. "Mmm, food."
"Hungry?"
"Starved." Sydney accepts a kiss as he hands her a plate. "I wonder how the kids are doing"
"I'm sure their fine. Alexa has obviously been sleeping these last few nights... after all she hasn't called me."
"I think Rath has been some help in keeping her nightmares away."
Sark scowls
Sydney smiles "Come on he's good for her... admit it."
"Fine... he is." Sark says reluctantly. "At least she does have a friend. Though I do wish it was someone her own age."
"I don't think that will happen."
"I can still wish can't I?"
"Yes... but we both know Alexa will never see herself as a normal kid. And there is something about Rath she connects too."
"I guess." Sark sighs heavily. He looks away a faint smile appearing.
"What?"
"I was just thinking about when she was a baby. She was beautiful."
"Well you do tend have beautiful children."
"Well they do tend to look like their mothers."
Sydney smiles "You know when Dad saw the first picture of Niko... he was surprised. He was the only one who figured out I was his mother."
"He does look like you." Sark muses
"How is your head?"
Sark shrugs "Hurts. Yours?"
"Its now down to a pulse rather than a searing."
Sark nods "Mine felt like a jackhammer."
"I can't believe we drank that much." Sydney sighs as she takes a bite of a piece of toast. "Sark?"
"Yes?"
"Part of me does understand why you don't want to tell Alexa. But the part of me that had to deal with my own parents lies and secrets doesn't agree with this."
"I know. And I do want to tell her Sydney... I just... I'm scared that if I do it will do more damage to her." Sark looks down at his food. "I can't watch her break down again." He shivers remembering how lost his daughter was when he got her back. "She's been through enough because of him... I can't put her through anything because of him."
"I get it." Sydney assures
COUPLE HOURS LATER
"Yes thank you." Sark hangs up staring at the phone.
"Is everything OK?" Sydney asks from the doorway of the bathroom.
Sark nods, "The funeral home wanted to let me know they picked up her body at the airport. They are going to bury her tonight... avoid questions." He rubs his forehead. When he feels her arms go around his waist he turns his head to see Sydney looking worried. "I'm fine."
"Sark, you don't need to lie to me. I get it... she was your first love... your wife. I'm never going to fault you for missing her... after all you have a child together."
"How did I get you?" Sark asks stroking her cheek.
Sydney smiles "Lucky I guess... plus you did stop being an ass."
"I'm still an ass... just not as much with you." He kisses her forehead.
"If you want we could go there first then go home."
"I said my goodbyes... as much as I could of course."
"Are you sure?" Sydney asks stroking his cheek.
Sark turns his head kissing her palm, "I'm sure. Go finish getting ready."
"Are you OK?"
"I'm fine."
Sydney kisses him lightly then walks back into the bathroom.
20 MINS LATER
Sark grimaces "What do you want Agent Vaughn?"
"What are you doing answering Sydney's phone?" Vaughn demands
"Let me see she's with me... I also live with her. Occasionally I answer her phone and she answers mine. Just a minute." He covers the phone and walks into the bathroom to find Sydney standing at the mirror putting on her makeup. "Vaughn"
Sydney sighs taking the phone she cradles it against her shoulder as she continues with her makeup. "What Vaughn?" She asks coldly. "Not that it is any of your business but yes he does answer my phone. What do you want?"
Sark walks out of the bathroom to finish dressing. "Is everything alright darling?" He asks as Sydney joins him looking annoyed.
"He just pissed me off the other day. And as always he pisses me off again in his half assed attempt to apologize."
"Let me guess he made some sort of remark about me being here alone."
Sydney shrugs "I really don't want to talk about him. Every time we do I end up yelling at you."
"Then we won't talk about him." Sark steps up behind her, "Ready to go home?" He asks kissing her head.
Sydney leans back against him, "I miss the kids."
"As do I." 'I need to see my little girl.'
Sydney turns kissing him lightly, "I love you Sark."
Sark smiles, "I love you too."
LATE AFTERNOON: JET
Sark drops a kiss to Sydney's head as she leans against his side her legs on the couch as they both read their own books. He squeezes her hand. He smiles as she looks at him.
"What?" Sydney asks
"You are quite adorable in your glasses."
Sydney rolls her eyes "Trying to charm me again Sark?"
"Of course. It is what I do."
"Smart ass."
"I try."
Sydney kisses his jaw then turns her attention back to her book.
MIDNIGHT: HOUSE
"Hey Sam." Sydney greets as they enter the living room.
"Hey how was the trip?" Sam asks turning the TV off.
"Fine. Are the kids in bed?" Sydney asks
"Niko went to bed on time. I think Alexa is in bed. Hey Sark."
"Sam." Sark says absently. He walks out of the living room heading up the stairs.
"He OK?" Sam asks
"Yeah... just a long few days." Sydney waves off. "How were the kids?"
"Good." Sam answers
Sark enters Alexa's room and smiles faintly seeing the form of his sleeping daughter. He carefully sits on the edge of the bed gently brushing a strand of hair back. 'You would be so proud of her Eva.'
Alexa stirs awake feeling the familiar touch, "Dad?"
"Hey Lexa. Didn't want to wake you"
"Its OK." Alexa yawns "When did you get back?"
"Just now." Sark answers. "I am proud of you you know."
"I know."
"And I know your Mum would be too."
"She would?"
"Definitely. Everything you did she was proud of." He kisses her head.
LATER
Sydney walks out of the bathroom to find Sark sitting on the bed a box open beside him holding a chain. "You OK?"
"She never wore both of her rings. She would wear both of them when we were out together... but mostly she only wore the smaller ring. She said she didn't feel old enough for the ring I gave her when we married."
Sydney sits beside him resting her head on his shoulder as she looks at the two platinum wedding bands on the chain. "You actually wore a wedding band?" She says surprised when she realizes one is a man's ring.
"Not while I was working. I didn't want anyone to know I was married. About two years after... I stopped wearing it all together... unless I knew no one was around."
"Why?"
"I didn't want anyone to go searching... my marriage was no ones business."
Sydney notices a couple pictures lying on the bed. "What about those?"
Sark picks up the pictures and smiles at the first picture, "Irina took that one." He chuckles at the picture of he and Eva dozing on the couch. "She said she took it because it was one of the few times she ever saw me as completely happy being anyone."
"Mom? That surprises me."
"She does have pictures of you growing up."
"She does?"
"She once sent me to take a few." Sark admits
"You never told me that!"
"Its not like I knew who you were exactly. I had an idea but I never really asked her. Besides she knew I was the only one who wouldn't say anything about my suspicions. Plus its a little easier to hide amongst teenagers when you are one."
"What pictures did you take of me?"
"I was there at your high school graduation. And a few other times over the years. I think you saw me a few times." He laughs. "Once Eva came about the pictures... she was furious with me."
"Why?"
"She was seven months pregnant"
Sydney laughs "And let me guess hormonal as hell."
"She would get mad at me over anything. Anyway she briefly thought I had an affair with you or at least was interested in you."
"What did you say?"
"I told her I wasn't having an affair. And that the pictures were a favor for Irina. She stayed mad at me for a few days... but Irina came to visit and after that" Sark shrugs "She was fine. Sometimes I wonder if Irina actually told Eva who you were. I asked Eva but she said what she and Irina talked about wasn't any of my business."
"So what did you think about me then?"
"I do admit I thought you were beautiful... but only an idiot wouldn't think that." Sark grins
Sydney turns to the next picture of Sark asleep on the couch with baby Alexa on his chest. "You two were so cute together." She laughs at the next picture of baby Alexa with cake smeared all over her laughing face. "First birthday?"
"Mmm."
Sydney smiles at a picture of Sark with Alexa on his knee. "What about this?"
"That was the day she said her first word."
"Let me guess... Daddy?"
Sark nods "After that she just kept going. She was two when she said her first bad word."
"Sark"
"She just picked it up." Sark says sheepishly.
"And what was that?"
"Bloody hell"
Sydney laughs, "Go figure"
"It was pretty funny. Eva was furious when she heard that. She said that since Lexa picked it up from me I was in charge of punishing her when she used it. After explaining to her she wasn't old enough to say that I had to put her in the corner for five minutes."
"Let me guess she didn't learn her lesson."
"She's half me." Sark points out "After a while she just lost interest in saying it."
Sydney stops at the last picture of Eva and Alexa both grinning. "She does look like her Mother." Sydney looks at Sark to see he is staring at the floor. "You OK?"
"I took that the day we had taken Alexa shopping for her first day of school. She was so excited to be going to school. I don't know who was more excited Eva or Alexa. I think Eva was more excited because she never had the chance to go to school with other children. Alexa had gone to daycare and such for a few hours a week but she had never been away from us for long periods of time. Hell we even took her with us on our anniversary." Sark takes a deep breath, "Three days later my life was destroyed. Everything I had worked so hard to keep for myself... was gone." He looks at the rings "And back to the life she wanted me to walk away from. I was ten times worse than I was before Eva. No one had a chance of surviving... because I no longer wanted too."
"Sark"
"I'm fine." He takes a deep breath. "At least I have Alexa."
Sydney kisses his cheek, "She is a great kid."
"Yes she is." Sark smiles faintly. "She's going to be 18 soon."
"Sark you have two years." Sydney points out.
"True but still... she's 16." Sark winces "Bloody hell... she's 16. Her Mum was pregnant with her at 16."
"Sark not something you need to worry about with Alexa. Besides the fact she's really not around anyone of the opposite sex..."
"Still its a thought that does occur."
"She is on birth control so her becoming pregnant not much of an issue." Sydney points out, "Though we did hit the 1 category twice."
"Not helping here Sydney." Sark groans
"Sorry. But what I mean is I think Alexa knows she's not ready for anything like that... and after what happened... I don't think she's going to let anyone that close for a while."
"Still"
"She needs to figure things out for herself Sark. If you are worried about this... then talk to her."
"When I need too I will."
Sydney kisses his cheek, "I love you."
"I love you too." Sark takes a deep breath as he returns the items to the box and closes it. 'That is another part of my life that is closed.' He looks at Sydney, 'Now I really can move on.'
TBC…