Lister was sleeping off on yet another one of his benders when the alert for the Science Room sounded. Rubbing his eyes, he made his way down to the room in question.
"Sirs, our scanners have detected a nearby moon with a large number of lifeforms on it," said Kryten.
"What are they? Is it a lost human colony?" asked Lister, a little short of breath from the dash he had just done to make it into the Science Room. Rimmer and the Cat (who was slightly irritated that he had been forced from his beauty sleep) weren't far behind.
"Well, our initial scans indicate that they are mainly of a genetically engineered nature," said Kryten, squinting at the readouts just to be sure.
"GELFs? I thought after the last time one of them decided that we would make a tasty snack, we were going to steer very clear away from mutants that would make the Elephant Man look like a potential contender for the most beautiful man of the year," said Rimmer, scowling at Kryten.
"I still remember that sir, but the scanner shows that these creatures are mainly of the chimera type variety, mainly used for early terraforming expeditions before they were outclassed. Records show that they're considered to be some of the friendlier GELF tribes in Deep Space for the most part. We might be able to barter with them for spare pieces and machinery. Additionally, it may appear that there is one life form which appears to be human in nature."
"Maybe it's Kochanski?" said a hopeful Lister.
"Maybe sir, but we won't find out until we make planetfall."
"Very well," said Rimmer, "but if we get devoured into oblivion by creatures with a thousand fangs, I will at least get the pleasure of my final words being, "I told you so"".
"Rimmer, your final words will be "Help me! Help me! Take the others instead!"
"Shut up, Lister, or may I need to inform you once again of my infinitely superior heritage to you."
"Rimmer, just because one of your ancestors was once a member of the House of Lords does not mean that your family is as clean as the Waltons."
"Yeah, but may I need to remind you that your ancestors are a slug who doesn't know what the word bath is and a woman who is both your mother and your girlfriend at the same time. In fact, you're probably the cover image for "Time Traveller's Guide to Incest"".
"Yeah, but at least I don't have as many criminals in there as…"
Unfortunately, Lister's retort was interrupted by Kryten.
"Sirs, we're now in orbit of the planet. We should make planetfall as soon as possible to ensure that Kochanski, if she's down there, does not come into any harm."
The landing of Starbug was fairly brief and unpainful in nature, a remarkable surprise considering Starbug's otherwise poor track record of landing.
"If our scanner is correct," said Kryten as he led the others out of Starbug – Rimmer having for once tagged along after having been convinced that he might be able to get one of those officer seats he had really wanted, "then the major population center should be nearby."
The Dwarfers ultimately did not have long to walk before they came across this population center. It was a fairly small GELF village, currently being guarded by a large vicious looking creature that looked like it had the head of a dingo and the body of an orangutan.
"Hmmm… it looks as if it will be more difficult to get into the village than I thought." Whispered Kryten, trying to keep his voice down low so as to not attract the attention of the Dingotang.
Unfortunately, he picked up on Kryten's voice anyway and went into a battle pose, teeth bared.
…Then its dopey brain finally picked up the presence of the blue-clad Hologram.
Immediately, the Dingotang ran as fast as its legs could carry, uttering a series of high-pitched squeals in the process.
The four looked on in confusion.
"Strange. We're usually the ones who run from them most of the time," said Lister.
"Aww, they never got to have a look at my new suit!" huffed the Cat.
"Well, it appears that we seem to have gained some form of reputation among the GELFs, which we may be able to use to our advantage. Additionally, on a multicultural planet like this, they may be likely to be capable of speaking English, which will make deals easier to navigate."
The Dwarfers entered the village. The first thing they noticed was how much of a war zone it looked. Everywhere they could see, there were huts (or "watungas" in the language of the Kinitowowi) that looked like they had been the victims of a large fat whale with the same mobility as a drunkard. Some weren't even standing at all, the only testament to their existence being the smoldering remains of grass where they once stood. Despite this, life in the village carried on. Numerous traders, mainly Brewfewino in nature, had their goods out, and hordes of GELFs were lined up hoping to buy their wares.
The Dwarfers went to the first stall they set their eyes on.
"May I have your attention for a minute?" asked Kryten to the Brewfewino manning the stall.
The yeti-like creature stared blankly at the Dwarfers. Or, to be more specific, Rimmer.
Then it screamed into the air.
"Khaaakhaakshaaakk!"
Mass panic ensued as creatures of all types ran for the nearest watungas still standing. Those who couldn't just hid under whatever they could. One even dug a hole and jumped in there.
"Er, what exactly did he just say there?" asked Lister.
"Well, my Brewian is rusty but according to my translation circuits, it means. "Oh, shit, the Dream Demon is here. Hide your children and your relatives."
As the confused Dwarfers looked on, a GELF with the head of a dolphin, the body of a chimpanzee, and the limbs of a locust popped out of hiding. it was what was known as a Dolochimp, one of the brighter GELFS of Deep Space.
"Wait five hanaka, none of you are the Dream Demon at all,"
It looked at Rimmer.
"Especially him. He looks too old and wrinkly."
"Too old!" shouted Rimmer at a pitch of voice-only seen in dolphins. "I'll have you know, miladdio, that I am not old. I am at the point of my life where I am at my most wisest before age turns me into a jabbering idiot!"
"So, what is this Dream Demon?" asked Lister as he ignored Rimmer.
"Ever since the dawn of the Age of the Slightly Stinky Colony Ship, we've had one cyborg with us, one who came to represent what it means to be an obnoxious…" the Dolochimp proceeded to emit a series of chimpanzee-like shrieks.
"That will be Dolochimpian for "Wad of rotten chewing gum that you find under the table"". clarified Kryten.
"Was it a Simulant?" asked Lister.
"Unfortunately no. This cyborg was much worse."
"Worse than wanting to use our limbs as a toilet brush."
"Much worse. See, this cyborg had a Dream. A Dream of spreading joy and unity across the cosmos. Unfortunately, he tended to cause chaos wherever he went and rub everyone up the wrong way. There was one instance he tried to set up a seminar about "Encouraging Teamwork in a Hopeless Situation" and it ended with the room on fire, and the Alberogs attacking the Dolochimps. After several cases of this, including one instance where a young Kinitawowi got sucked into Deep Space after he tried to attack him for calling his leader "a health hazard", we knew we had to get off him."
The realization was beginning to dawn on Lister as to the identity of the cyborg. But he wanted to learn more first.
"Why didn't you just eject him out of the airlock."
"Well, he's tougher than he looks. This is a man who survived unscathed through the belly of a BEGG, for the Great One's sake. Knowing our luck, he'd just end up wrecking another GELFWorld. Besides, we were hoping that with that durability, he could prove to be of some help in helping to set up the colony if we could somehow tame him."
The Dwarfers looked around at the scene of chaos.
"…As you can tell, it hasn't worked. He's trying to set up a community area to improve friendships, encourage bonding amongst each other, and entice colonists to move here, but it's not working. See this?" said the Dolochimp, gesturing around the area, "That was caused when he tried to implement a "Getting Fit is Fun" scheme. Now, we GELFs are a diverse bunch, but there are some things that we agree on. First that this is now the Age of "We're All Going to Die", and second that we're finally at the point where we're decided that, smeg other GELFWorlds, we can't cope with him any longer so he's their problem now. Although I'm hoping that we manage to send him to a desolate planet instead…"
"This cyborg…" inquired Rimmer, "his name isn't Gordon Brittas?"
The Dolochimp's eyes widened.
"Oh, Great One. You're suffered under his reign too?"
"Nope." Replied Rimmer, "In fact, I'm related to him. He used to be a Lord you know!"
There was a few seconds as the Dolochimp stared at Rimmer in horror. Lister facepalmed.
"Well, then that simplifies things. Under GELF law, all four of you will be made to hunt him down, sedate him, and bring him back."
The Cat made a very "I'm going to kill you" look at Rimmer.
"And what happens if we fail?" asked Lister.
"Then we will simply break you apart and use you as sowing materials for our farms." The Dolochimp casually replied before returning to his hiding spot.
"Rimmer, you smeghead!" complained Lister as they made the trek through the jungle-like areas surrounding the GELF village. "we've just been doomed to death by killer cyborg thanks to you!"
"Yes, but don't you see! It's a chance to see my ancestor. To get to hear tales first-hand about his acts of heroism. A chance to hear more about him in general, no thanks to someone locking off the majority of the database and the library because he allegedly needed a secure hiding spot for his music."
"Excuse me, Rimmer, but you were threatening to burn them."
"They need to be destroyed, Lister. I am not dooming myself to death by terrible guitar playing."
"But I don't have my guitar anymore."
"Yes, but I 'm taking my chances on the risk that you find another guitar out there and doom us all!"
"Anyway, didn't you hear those GELFs? He practically ruined their lives! He sounds like he's nuttier than a portion of Kelloggs Crunchy Nut!"
"Yes, but if you may remember, Listy, GELFs have the IQ of a bowl of petunias. They probably misunderstood his comments. In fact, he's probably like me, valiantly trying to lead a group of half-wits who don't know how to open a door properly."
"Excuse me, Rimmer, but if you may recall, you can't open the doors properly either. They won't listen to you because you're such a smeghead!"
Kryten interrupted them.
"Er, well this is certainly a major "whoops" for the millennium. I've checked the psi-scan and it's giving a slightly different read-out to the scanner on board Red Dwarf. According to it, there is one lifeform outside of us that isn't GELF in nature, but it's actually a cyborg."
He hung his head in shame.
"I knew I needed to have that scanner in for repairs."
The Cat turned to him, the expression on his face frozen in horror.
"So you meant to say that thanks to you, we're about to be annoyed to death by some cyborg."
"Unfortunately so."
The Cat huffed. "Well then, if we become dead meat, I'm forwarding the cleaner bill to you!"
Suddenly, he began to sniff the air.
"Buds, I'm picking up a weird scent. I can't put my word on it, but it kinda reminds me of Goalpost Head."
"That must be him. Let's be careful. After all, I can't expect to do the laundry if I turn into a smoldering heap." replied Kryten as they trod towards a nearby signpost.
There, trying to adjust it, was a dead ringer for Rimmer. Well, not exactly a dead ringer – he had sideburns on his head, and he lacked the holographic "H" on his forehead. And he was wearing a blazer, much like those obnoxious managers you see on sitcoms. And when one says dead ringer, he looked more like Rimmer right around the ill-fated time he went off to be Ace than Rimmer now.
But he was certainly a dead ringer for Rimmer.
"Is that the man?" asked Lister.
"Well, unless I need another whack to the scanner, that is indeed Gordon Brittas."
"One thing I don't understand is why does he look human? I thought cyborgs looked more like the Terminator." Lister replied, in disbelief at the man in front of him.
"It is likely he is using a morphing belt. For what reason, I am uncertain, although it's likely that he didn't want to alarm the public with his true appearance, especially since he came from a time where Simulants were a major threat." said Kryten.
"Well, he's alarming to me! He looks like Goalpost Head!" complained the Cat. "In fact, why does he look like him. I thought that only an idiot would look like him."
"Well, he appears to be a case of spatial genetic duplication."
"Sorry, Hexagon Head, but I stopped understanding after "of"."
"Well, it is possible for someone who is distantly related to you to look very similar to you. It has been recorded in history, after all, like Jon and Sean Pertwee, or Kim Jong-Un and Kim II-Sung."
"So I had an ancestor who had my cool sense of clothing?"
"Quite possibly."
"Well, this looks like a job for me, fellas," said Rimmer as he strode up to Brittas. "My finely honed negotiation skills should ensure that we can lure him over and convince him to go with us in peace."
The others shared a look.
This was gonna suck.
Rimmer gently tapped the cyborg on the back.
"May I interrupt you from your signboard adjusting for a minute please?"
Brittas paused in his actions and turned to face Rimmer, using the opportunity to have a good look at the Dwarfers.
"Ah, you must be the new colonists that I've been advertising for the last few years. Although I'll admit, I had been hoping for a higher number to help grow our community!"
Rimmer swallowed. This was the one chance he would get to talk to his ancestor. He'd better make it count, even if he had a poor track record of achieving this.
"Mr. Brittas. We are not here to colonize the planet. We're just trying to locate a human on this planet."
"Unfortunately no. We don't have any humans on our planet. I would have known and noted it in the records by now if there was a human. However, you do need to sign the "Visitations" form before we go any further. It shouldn't take up too much of your time, you only need to answer 300 questions. Out of curiosity first, what is your name?"
"Well, Mr. Brittas, my name is Officer Arnold J. Rimmer and I have to say, I'm your biggest fan!"
"Oh?"
"See, I'm your many times great-descendant!"
The cyborg seemed taken back by this, but he quickly regained his composure.
"Are you? Well, if that's the truth, then I must say, I'm glad to see one of my descendants in the flesh. That said, I will need you to back up your claim. I just need a complete record of your family tree first, all right?."
Rimmer's smile dropped.
Smeg, I didn't expect him to be that persistent! Usually, our monsters don't really look too deep into the fine print before eating us. Now if only I had bought my…
Wait a minute.
Yes, I knew uploading my family tree into the Hologram Simulation Suite was a good idea!
"Not physically, Mr. Brittas, but it is stored in my light bee."
"A Light Bee? Then you must be one of those upgraded holograms. Had a couple of them working under my command before I left the Solar System. Of course, they never seemed to last long before they decided that they wanted to turn themselves off. Never figured why because there was nobody else dead who was superior to them…"
He took out his hand to touch the hologram in fascination, before pausing as he realized he was touching actual solid matter.
"Even more fascinating. You must be a hard-light. If I can get a record set up on you whilst I extract the data, I might be able to use it to construct better schemes for the staff of the future!"
He tilted his head to look at the rest of the crew.
"That said, you certainly have the strangest people with you. Firstly, that short man looks in dire need of one of my hygiene plans. And his outfit is extremely slobbish and unfit for any work environment."
"HEY! That's my personal smell!" complained Lister.
"Second, do you know what you can tell from that man with the funny fangs' posture? That he doesn't care about work. He'll need to participate in my next meeting, where I intend to emphasize the importance of hard work."
"Well, if you're going to try to force me to work, let me tell you this, Not-Goalpost Head," said the Cat, "It's. Not. Happening."
Brittas ignored him.
"Thirdly, whilst that robot exudes the qualities of a good worker, thanks to a robotics course I did sometime back, I know that he does not have long for this world. Still, he'll be good for our new recycling scheme."
Kryten huffed. He was beginning to see how this man could be such a smeeheee!
Of course, Rimmer failed to notice this.
"You know, I'm liking your line of thinking here, Mr. Brittas. You display some fine qualities – honesty, an ability to criticize, and a desire to try to improve your crew's actual abilities or lack of. In other words, important leadership skills. Tell me, what are your opinions on rules?"
"Rules? Rules are an important part of being a Manager. Without them, there simply won't be any work done. Of course," and at this point, his voice took on a sympathetic yet patronising tone, "the colonists here do not have the slightest regard for rules. For instance, did you know that the Kinitawowi workers are currently striking during the construction of my new Community Centre, all because I asked them to pick up their rubbish? Now, if that's not a blatant disregard for the rules and not setting an example to the community, I don't know what else it could be…"
Rimmer continued to smile like a psycho doll trying to kill its owner.
"Brilliant! Then you've got the job as a member of our ship then."
The others just stared at the two of them in disbelief.
The look of pleased smugness on Brittas' face could almost rival Rimmer's. "Thank you for the offer, but I need to lead this planet. These colonists are still baby birds, after all. If I leave then they'll get eaten alive by the wolf that is this planet. Still, I now really need you to sign those forms now, all right?" he said as he began to lead them to the building in question.
Rimmer was disappointed but said nothing for the time being. Behind him, the others tried to figure out their next strategy.
"What the smeg are we going to do, guys," asked Lister.
"Yeah. I barely struggle with one goalpost head, I can't cope with two of them! I say when we get to Sideburns' office, we off the both of them."
"May I remind you that historically, Rimmer has never gotten along very well with clones of himself. If this Brittas is close enough to our Rimmer in personality, and I suspect that this may be the case there, it's possible that they may turn on each other within the next few days, if not hours," said Kryten.
"I hope so Krytes. I hope so…"