disclaimer: Joss owns them, not I. And I am not him.
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After spending thirteen (yes, count them thirteen) months in space, Simon Tam was just about to go stir crazy. Thirteen months and not a job in any of those months. Oh sure, there were a few unofficial jobs here and there (like the ones where Jayne and Mal went out, stole food and came scrambling back on board before someone found them, or when Kaylee would siphon gas from some Alliance hospital ship), but nothing that paid well enough for them to go to any kind of surface for long. Simon had been raised on a planet, so it stood to reason that he preferred the solid ground to the tumbling, ever changing atmosphere of deep space. He was going stir crazy, was bored beyond belief, and he was horny to boot. That last one was the kicker. He and Kaylee were now just friends. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He and Kaylee were best friends that shared a good, hardcore up against the wall session when the pressure got to be too much. But that wasn't so much an option these days, as everyone was irritable and if either he or Kaylee suggested such an act to one another, the one being suggested to would bite the head off the suggestor.
It was safe to say that despite Simon's weariness of the situation, this was taking its toll worst on his sister. Some days she would be close to catatonia, not even blinking an eye. Other days she couldn't stop talking, feeding the silence of space with her inane chatter. She and Jayne had gotten into fistfights twice already, and neither Simon nor Mal had bothered to stop them until one of them started bleeding, or until Jayne had been pinned to the floor with a knife at his throat. After all, even a fight between loved ones was still more entertaining than watching stars go by.
As Simon drummed his fingers on the table in his infirmary, an empty notebook on his lap, Jayne poked his head into the room. "Where's yer sister?" he asked in a hushed voice.
"What does it matter?" Simon asked wearily.
"Is she in here or in the nearby area?"
"What did you do?"
"Is she here, damnit!"
"No, she isn't. I think she's on the bridge."
"Good." Jayne looked back into the hallway then came into the infirmary, closing the door behind him.
"Is there something I can-"
"Shuddap a sec, would ya?" He took a seat on the operating table. "All right, yer gonna think this is a crazy idea-"
"I can only imagine."
"-but hear me out. Didn't think anyone else would be interested, what most of 'em bein women 'an all." Simon could only stare at his crewmate with a mixture of fascination and disbelief. "I was thinking…" Jayne began.
"Good for you. That's a step in the right direction."
"Shut it, doc, or I'll knock you senseless. Anyway, was thinking about how we been stuck out here for so long, with nothing to do, you know? Ain't getting no jobs or nuthin, everyone's losing their minds an' such. So I was thinking, what with us goin' stir crazy and all, was thinking I'd like to help out my fellow crew." He watched for some reaction from Simon, but didn't get one. "Well?" he demanded.
"I'm sorry, I was waiting for a punchline."
"The hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, nevermind. So, how did you plan on helping? And who?"
"Cap'n and Zoe."
"Uh huh. And how are you going to help them?"
"Gonna get 'em in bed with one another."
"Ha!" Simon laughed, knocked askew from the shock. "Say again?"
"Well, you know how uptight Zoe is, 'an Cap'n ain't gotten any since… well, I ain't keepin track. Figure it'd be good for both of 'em. And give us something to do in the meantime."
"Us? Since when am I a part of this?"
Jayne shrugged. "Since I'm askin you to. I'm gonna need help, can't do it on my own."
"This is what you came here for?"
"Yep." He cracked a knuckle. "So, you in or what?"
"Absolutely not, and I'll even tell you why. Because one, it's immoral, two, it's weird, and three, and most importantly, it can't be done."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. There is no way Mal and Zoe would… would… not in a million years."
"I like those odds. Bet you all my next pay it can be done, and I can do it."
Simon chewed it over for a moment. "Double next pay."
"How the hell can I double what I don't even got yet?"
"That's my price."
Now Jayne mulled it over. "You gonna help out?"
"Sure, I'll even help. Why not?"
"What do I get if I win?"
"Well, what do you want?"
He snorted. "Night with your sister."
"What?"
"Kiddin, kiddin, really. Don't want that moonbeam weirdo anyhow." But what did he want? It had to be something good, something better than money. That would be tough. But he could think of something, and he grinned like the devil when he did. "I want a Rosco 927 XR."
"Okay, what the heck is that?"
"It's newest model rifle, available only in black market trades. Worth millions."
"Millions? How would I dig up that kind of-"
"I said it was worth millions. But again, like I said, can only be bought black market trade. If I can do it, that's what I want."
Again, Simon chewed it over. It wouldn't be possible to get Mal and Zoe together, would it? Especially not with him and Jayne in charge of it. He was terrible with romance, and Jayne was close to a Neanderthal. So what did he have to lose? "I accept," he said, and shook Jayne's powerful hand. After all, it was more entertaining than watching stars go by.