disclaimer: same as always.

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Simon and Jayne were hiding in Jayne's bunk, concocting what their first move should be.

"It needs to be simple," Simon was saying. "Something subtle."

"Nah," Jayne countered, "it's gotta be right in their faces."

"No, that won't work because if it's too obvious they're being set up, they'll suspect something. You know Zoe, she can smell mischief from a hundred light years away. She's like a mother."

"Or a nun," Jayne added, remembering childhood days. "Maybe you're right. Start off slow."

"Exactly. Just little things here and there, and then they won't even notice something until one day it occurs to them 'Hey, let's sleep with each other'."

"Yeah, that's good."

"But what's subtle enough? What's something they won't see coming but can't ignore?" Simon had never played matchmaker before, and it was actually a bit exciting. He hated to think what both mal and Zoe would do to them if they ever caught wind of this little experiment, but that could be worried about when it happened.

"I got it!" Jayne declared. Simon looked at him dubiously, but he held his ground. "He needs to see Zoe naked."

At first Simon made a face, but it actually made sense. "That's actually a really good idea," he said, just as surprised saying it as he had been thinking it.

"Course it is. Seein a naked woman always gets a man thinkin that way, especially when he's been dry as long as Mal has."

"No, really, Jayne, that's brilliant. It's simple, can easily be seen as a mistake, but it's not something he's likely to forget, is it?"

"No, it ain't." Jayne shuddered.

"Oh, come on. Zoe is a pretty good looking woman."

"No, I know she is. I was picturing the face she'd be makin if she knew we were even thinking about her naked."

Simon shuddered as well. It was a mighty terrible force to be reckoned with, that angry glare Zoe had stored inside her. "Okay," he continued, "the question is how?"

"Uh… that I ain't so sure of."

"Well think. When is Zoe ever naked?"

"Never when I get to see her, that's all I know."

"With good reason." He purposely avoided looking at Jayne, already knowing the menacing look he'd be getting. "In the shower is a good guess."

"How in the hell are we gonna get her out of the bathroom while she's still undressed? No matter what the emergency, she'd put something on."

Simon tapped a finger to his temple. "Not if she didn't have a choice. How good are you at picking locks?"

Jayne quirked an eyebrow. "You gotta ask?"

"Sorry. I think I may be on to something…"

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The stage was set for the first encounter, but Jayne was having a hard time following through.

"This is a set-up, right? Soon as I do this, Mal's gonna come barging in 'an throw me off the ship."

"No, he won't," Simon said impatiently. "Would you hurry up and do it already?" He was grimacing from the anticipation.

Jayne, a nice shiny scalpel in his hand, was grinning triumphantly. "Just seems too good to be true is all." Simon shot him a nasty look to which he paid no mind. With the practiced swiftness of a man for hire, Jayne brought the blade down on Simon's skin and made a quick, deep cut. It started bleeding instantly.

"Ah," Simon whimpered, never liking the look of his own blood. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his wrist. "You could have cut a little higher, you know. You may well have-"

"You asked me to cut, so I did. If you wanted it done just so, shoulda done it yourself."

He shuddered at the mere thought of doing that himself. "Get going!" he scolded, "she won't be in there forever!" As Jayne's bootfalls began to fade, Simon peaked out into the hallway. The merc was already moving up the stairs. "And don't add anything!" he hollered. Now all he had to do was wait and concentrate on not bleeding too much.

Jayne moved swiftly, years of training paying off. He smiled to himself, wondering what Dana (the man who'd taught him everything he knew) would think about Jayne using his skills on a mission like this. As he passed the bathroom door, he made a quick check to be sure the lock weren't properly hatched. It wasn't. Once on the higher deck he ducked into a crevice just behind the doorway leading up to the cockpit. Moving in perfect silence, he crouched low and loosened the walkie-talkie from his belt. Slowly, he pressed the button. "I'm in position," he mumbled.

Simon grabbed his walkie-talkie eagerly, feeling like some sort of spy on a deadly mission. Not the deadly missions Serenity was used to, but the kind he had gone on when he was a kid in his backyard with his best friend Herbert. The kind that were actually fun.

"Copy that," he told Jayne. Then he pushed the intercom button to reach the bridge. "Mal," he called into it, trying to sound as clear as he could. The speakers were shot to hell and back again.

A few seconds later, he heard the familiar crackle of response. "Yeah?"

"Can you come down to the infirmary, please?"

It took Mal a few seconds to respond (during which Simon waited on baited breath. Time was not something they had a whole lot of). "Be right there," he finally answered.

As soon as Mal's voice had cut out, Simon scurried across the room, leaning himself in the doorway. "He's moving out," he told his cohort.

But Jayne was already prepared. As Mal passed the merc by without any knowledge, Jayne hoisted himself up onto the balls of his feet, ready to sprint. Once the captain was out of sight, he made his move. Luckily, River wasn't hanging around on the bridge today. Jayne stood in front of the steering wheel, awaiting his next order.

Simon watched out of the corner of his eye, trying to not be seen to the oncoming pedestrian. He listened for any kind of movement. Unfortunately, he got some. The water from the shower snapped off, leaving the hallways in dead silence. Damn, he thought to himself. Hurry up, Mal. The captain obliged unknowingly, his feet clocking out steps rhythmically. He rounded the corner into sight. Simon ducked back into his infirmary. 'Now!" he whispered urgently into his walkie-talkie. Then he made a beeline for the other side of the room, dumping his communication tool in the biohazard wastebasket.

Simon's voice hadn't even faded from the air when Jayne made his move. With lightning speed he jerked the ship hard to the right, then countered with equal force to the left. The he straightened her out and ran like hell.

Down in the lower deck, Mal was thrown off his feet into the bathroom door, which opened easily for him. He went stumbling in, knocking into Zoe and then shortly after the wall. The ship jerked again, and both captain and first mate flew into the hallway in a tangled, confused heap. Zoe scrambled to her feet, but Mal had already seen enough. Her slender body from years of running, fighting and ass kicking was just barely covered by the thin, white, wet towel (Face cloth more like it, no, stop that, Mal, don't think like that). The cloth stuck and clung on every curve in her hips, breasts, butt, and unmentionable place that Mal found himself not mentioning, but sure as hell thinking about. He and Zoe shared eye contact for one mortifying moment before she turned tail and ran back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Too much had happened in the past fifteen seconds for Mal to comprehend. Slowly, he got to his feet, brushed himself off and walked into the infirmary where Simon was sitting on the operating table bleeding.

"What happened?" Simon asked innocently. "Did we hit something?"

"I don't know," Mal said truthfully, pushing the intercom button. "River!" he barked, knowing she would already be at the helm. "What's the story?"

"Everything's fine," she told him. "Nothing broke. Serenity didn't like being pushed."

Simon froze. He'd forgotten this tiny yet crucial detail- River could read just about anything. Mal, however, saw nothing to be alarmed about. "What do you mean, pushed? We hit something?"

"No," she said simply. "Everything's fine."

Sighing, Mal turned away from the intercom. "What happened to you?" he asked, indicating Simon's arm.

"I sliced myself while sharpening my scalpel."

"That what you needed me for?"

"Yes. I need stitches and I can't stitch myself."

Mal raised an eyebrow. "And you needed me?"

"Well, Jayne I don't trust and Kaylee wouldn't do it, and I love River dearly but she'd probably just poke at it and try to dissect me some more."

"What about Zoe?"

"She's naked right now."

"Huh?" Mal asked, startled.

"She's in the shower. I wasn't about to go barging in on her." Simon kept his face straight, though it was killing him not to laugh at Mal's guilty expression.

"Yes, right, okay," Mal babbled uncomfortably. "All right, talk me through it. Let's get you stitched up."

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Jayne was waiting in Simon's bedroom. "So," he prodded as soon as the man walked in, "how'd it go?"

"Beautifully," Simon said proudly. "He was so uncomfortable."

"Good. How's your arm?"

"Oh, it hurts, I'll be fine."

"What did Zoe do?"

"I don't know, I couldn't see them. But I didn't hear her yelling, so I guess she didn't do much of anything."

"So… did it work?"

"It's too soon to tell." Jayne nodded. Simon nodded. Then they both burst into fits of manly giggles. "This is great," Simon declared.

"No kidding. It's like… the ultimate cure for boredom."

"You know what's best about it? I don't feel bad about it at all. Because you can't make people do something they don't really want to do. And if it works, well… that's just funny."

"And in the meantime, gives you something to do."

Simon pulled his bloody shirt over his head. "I haven't been this excited about covert missions since I was seven."

"I know what you mean. First time I been excited about somethin so secret where someone weren't gonna die."

Simon's laugh faded a bit. "You used to do this kind of thing all the time before you worked here, didn't you?"

"Nothing like this, no. But secret missions, yeah. Paid pretty decent. Not as well as Mal pays, which is the only- and I mean only- reason I'm on this broke ass firefly." He shook his head. "Although the way money's been coming in recently, maybe I oughta rethink my position."

"I know what you mean. What I make here is someone's sick joke of pay from what I could be making. I mean, a real sick joke."

"How much you make in one of them Alliance hospitals?"

"At least… well," he said sheepishly, "more than here."

"No, how much? Maybe I'll become a surgeon myself. I can cut people up, don't bother me none."

"It's a bit more complicated than just cutting people. You have to know where and when."

"Well, whatever. How much you get paid? Round figure."

"Well, my last offer before… before I went to get River… was around four thousand."

"A month?" Jayne cried.

"No… an hour."

The merc's jaw dropped. "Four thousand dollars an hour? And you ain't turned tail on us yet why?"

"Because I don't trust the Alliance anymore. And I'm not sure I'd be hired anyway. And River needs me, and she's doing really well here, and what would you all do here without a medic? And Mal has done too much for me to just run off on him like that."

Jayne refused to accept those as viable reasons. "Well, you better believe if someone offered me money like that I'd be outta here fast as I can."

"I'd believe it," Simon said kindly.

"Ain't got no reason to stay otherwise."

"Well, I'd be sorry you were gone." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Simon realized he'd said them. It surprised him that he meant it, too.

Jayne was staring at him strangely. "Oh, hell," he said at last, "we ain't… you know, bonding or anything right now, are we?"

"God I hope not," Simon said truthfully. "Get out of my room."

"Ass," Jayne shot back, taking his leave.

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River talked to the ship for a good half hour, getting her facts straight. When she and Serenity had exchanged enough words, she skipped through the halls on her way to find Kaylee. On her way she passed Zoe, Mal and Jayne, all of them giving her different looks. Mal gave her a mere passing glance, his mind on too many other things. At this River giggled, sharing a secret with Mal's mind. Zoe smiled wanly at the girl, because she was very strange and she made a lot of noise. Jayne scowled as usual, then went on his way.

Kaylee was, as Serenity has placed her, swinging in her hammock. Her face brightened as River entered the room. "Hi, River," Kaylee beamed. She'd been bored to tears and having company was very appreciated.

"I have a secret," River said at once, fearful it would burst from her if she wasn't careful.

"A secret? What is it, can I know?" Kaylee sat upright, willing and ready for gossip.

"Mal saw Zoe naked."

"Oh!" Kaylee gasped. This was the kind of girl perfect for gossip, because she gave the best responses you could ever hope for. "Oh, my goodness! What happened? How, why?"

"It was Jayne and Simon."

Now Kaylee went from delightfully scandalized to confused. "Simon and Jayne? What do you mean?"

"They were plotting. They want to get Mal and Zoe to have intercourse."

"Oh my goodness! They told you that?"

"No. Serenity did. Jayne made her jerk before." River paused, as though listening. "They're bored."

"They're bored? River, honey, I don't think I understand."

"Simon and Jayne plotted to make Mal see her naked. They tossed the ship. Simon cut himself. Serenity laughed. Should I?"

"Should you…"

"Laugh. She says they're harmless. They have a bet."

Kaylee, far from coherence, tried very hard to make her questions clear. "Simon and Jayne are trying to get Mal and Zoe to sleep together because they have a bet? And Serenity says it's funny?"

"Yes. Should I laugh?"

"Well, that all depends. What's the bet?"

"Simon wants money and Jayne wants a gun."

Kaylee slumped in her seat, thinking. Simon was her best friend, why hadn't he told her about this? Because she would have kicked his butt, that's why. And then she would have told Mal.

"Should I laugh?"

Slowly, ever so slowly, a sweet little smile crept over Kaylee's face. "No, River, you shouldn't laugh. Because I have a better idea."

"Help?"

"Yep. I think we should help them."

"Isn't that mean?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean, Zoe and Mal won't do nothing they don't want to, right? And besides, what-"

"-else is there to do in space." River scrunched up her face. "So… we're on their team?"

"Yep. Besides, we know more about romance than those boys do anyway."

"What will we wager?"

"Gosh," Kaylee said, "I didn't think of that. What do you want?"

"Freedom from my head."

"Oh, sweetie." She stroked River's hair soothingly.

"Simon can't. In due time, he says. Okay. Freedom from dishes. For a month."

"Why not two? One for each of them."

River giggled wildly. "Two months! No dishes!" It was a delicious thought. The way her fingers became pruney from staying in the water too long made her mind go on all sorts of tangents. Two months free of that would be lovely. "What does Kaylee want?"

"Kaylee wants a pretty new dress and a place to wear it."

"Kaylee deserves it."

"Thank you, River."

"We won't tell Mal and Zoe?"

"Nope. But let's go meet with our allies."

The allies were convened in the common room, looking mischievous. Jayne and Simon sat facing one another, knee to knee, huddled over and whispering excitedly. River sat herself on the floor right beside them. The huddle broke immediately.

"Hello, beibei," Simon said kindly.

"Want in," she told him.

"In? In what?"

"On the bet," Kaylee said, seating herself on the back of Jayne's chair.

The boys exchanged wary glances. "Bet?" Simon asked. "What bet?"

"Serenity tattled," River informed him. "About Mal and Zoe. We'll help, me and Kaylee."

"Uh-uh," Jayne said. "No way."

"Oh, all right," Kaylee said airily. "Guess I'll just have to go see Mal and Zoe and tell 'em you're-"

"Okay," Simon said quickly. "Okay. You can help."

"That's more like it. These are our terms."

"Terms?" Jayne cocked an eyebrow. "You don't get terms."

"What kind of bet is it without terms?" she asked matter-of-factly.

"Fine," he grunted. "What do you want?"

"River wants dishes for two months, and I want a pretty new dress."

"And a place to wear it," River chimed in.

"Okay," he agreed, and he and Kaylee shook on it.

"This could be better," Simon reasoned. "We'll need as much help as we can get."

Jayne smiled cockily. "You thinking this'll work?"

"I'm starting to, yes."

"Told you so."

Simon smiled at Jayne, for once enjoying the man's company. It was agreed by all of them to take a day or so to think about what the next move would be. Meeting was adjourned.