dosclaimer: not Joss.

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Kaylee came up with the next brilliant idea, and oh what an idea she had! She couldn't wait to get everyone together and tell them. Simon was taking forever, though, trying to get River to take a new medication he thought would calm her nerves. She was getting twitchy from all the space time and no fresh air.

"Simon?" Kaylee asked, standing in the infirmary doorway.

"In a minute," he said impatiently. "River, you know I'm just trying to-"

"Idea!" River shouted, pointing at Kaylee. "Good idea! Get Jayne!"

"Jayne!" Kaylee exclaimed, smacking herself on the forehead. "I forgot! Be right back!"

Simon looked at his sister, perplexed. "What just happened?"

"Kaylee has a plan. A brilliant plan."

Jayne and Kaylee were back in mere minutes. "This better be good," Jayne was grumbling. "I was busy."

"It is good, trust me." She was clutching a wrinkled piece of paper in her hands. Dramatically, she laid it out on the table, smoothing it carefully. It read:

TO DO:

Wash the cargo area floor (ask Jayne to do it)

Get Mal to finally fix the wires under the control panel

Throw out canned peas that have been in the cabinet since last year

Find 'Moby Dick' (check somewhere in bedroom)

Teach River how to walk, not stomp everywhere

Get this ship on the ground for at least two hours

They all read it. Jayne proclaimed "Hell no she ain't making me mop cargo!" It was in Zoe's handwriting, it was a to do list. Aside from that, no one knew what to make of it.

"I don't get it," Simon said truthfully. "How is this going to work?"

"With a little genius," she told him simply. Very carefully, she started tearing the page in tiny sections, ripping with great care. Everyone watched quietly, some more patient than others. Finally, she put the finished product on the table. It read (in a few ripped pieces):

TO DO:

Get Mal in bed for at least two hours

Jayne snorted with laughter. River looked at it, wide eyes and impressed. Simon studied it closely. "The tears don't line up," he concluded.

"That don't matter," Kaylee said, a little put off. "If you saw something like that lying around, would you be lookin to see if everything lined up perfect?"

"No," he admitted, "I'd be a little too stunned to care."

"Exactly. So, what do you think?"

"Think you're a genius," Jayne said.

"Mal will think she didn't want him to see," River said in her empty voice she used when her brain was working too hard. "Because it's torn."

"Uh huh. I saw it in the trash and when I saw she put 'Mal' and 'bed' on the same page, it gave me the idea."

"Smart, Kaylee. That was really brilliant." Simon smiled at her fondly, and she blushed. "So, when do we do this?"

"Tonight," Jayne said. "Right before dinner. So he'll be thinking about it the whole time."

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Mal was the one in charge of making dinner, much to his chagrin. He wasn't the best cook Serenity had. He knew it. Everyone else knew it. So why did they insist he do it? At the very least, he assured himself, his cooking was better than the eclectic excuse for a meal River had sprung on them a time or two. String beans, strawberry jam and spaghetti. 'Colorful' had been her word for it. 'Nauseating' had been everyone else's.

He banged the pots louder than necessary, slammed cupboard doors more forcefully than needed. He just didn't want to cook today, and to make things worse they had just lost a job in the next sector. Zoe had told him that he had made the right choice, refusing to transport illegal firearms to the outmost reaches of the outer rim. They were probably going to get caught because Alliance weapons always had some kind of tracking device, and besides Jayne would make off with several of them before they got to their destination. Zoe had patted his shoulder and said they would get by without. Even so, Mal knew her eternal patience with him was wearing thin, especially after he'd seen her in not much clothing. Now there was something he didn't want to think about anymore. Or have had dreamed about last night. Or probably would again tonight.

A piece of paper blew across Mal's feet. He bent over, scowled at it, and picked it up. "In bed" was what it said. His face scrunched up, looking around for more to it than that. He found two more paper shreds, which he also picked up. When pieced together, they read: Get Mal in bed for at least two hours. "What the hell?" he mumbled, looking around to see if anyone was waiting in the wings ready to laugh at him. No one was. Who the hell had written this thing? The writing was loopy, but easily read. His eyes suddenly widened. His jaw dropped.

It was Zoe's.

Forgetting dinner for the moment, he cleared space on the countertop and laid the paper pieces down. They didn't fit perfectly, but close enough. "Ta ma de," he moaned. "The hell am I supposed to do with this?"

"With what, sir?"

"Zoe!" he cried loudly, spinning around. He smoothed his hair nonchalantly. "Why you gotta insist on sneaking up on me all the time?"

She smirked at him, intrigued. "Whatcha got there, captain?"

"What, behind me?" he said tensely. "Oh, not much, just… well, something interesting I found."

"May I see it?"

"Pretty sure you already have, actually."

Now she was confused. "What is it?"

"It's ah… well, it's this." He stepped aside and let her investigate his findings. She read them, then looked up at him, perplexed and was that anger he saw? Oh, boy. "This yours?" he asked quietly.

"Sort of. Yes, I wrote it, but that's not what I wrote."

"Don't think I follow."

"There's more to it than this." She went over to the trashcan, picked out a few pieces of torn paper and laid them onto the counter beside the "confession". "This is what I made," she told Mal. "It's a list I threw away. And believe me, getting you in bed wasn't on it."

Mal read over the rest of the paper. He felt a little guilty he'd assumed Zoe had wanted him. Well, guilty and a bit disappointed she didn't. It had been a flattering twelve seconds. "Alright," he said once satisfied. ""But it looked real convincing, just these pieces sitting way over here."

"I'll say. Since I didn't tear this list up."

"You didn't?"

"No, I didn't. In fact, I just crumpled it and threw it in that direction, not even getting it into the basket. Figured I'd make Kaylee sweep later anyway."

"So… I think I'm not following what's going on here."

"Someone ripped it up like that on purpose. They were playing a joke on you."

"Well hell's bells," Mal declared. "Someone bested me. Don't you just know I hate that?"

"Simon and Jayne," a voice called airily from the doorway. It was River, of course, being exactly where she was most useful.

"Simon and Jayne?" Zoe repeated. "You mean, together?"

River nodded. "They have a bet."

"A bet, huh? What're the stakes?"

"Jayne bets Simon he can get you two to have intercourse. Simon is helping because he has nothing better to do."

"That so?" Mal's face was turning a dangerous shade of purple. "Settles it. I'm gonna kill 'em."

"No," Zoe said, "you won't."

"Don't tell me who I can and can't kill. If I think someone's worthy of death, you better believe I'm gonna kill 'em."

"No," she said firmly, "because I have a better idea."

"Better, eh? I dunno, my kill them idea's pretty shiny."

"In battle, when one of ours was killed, what did we do?"

"Killed 'em back!" Mal declared. "Just what I'm saying!"

"No," she said, speaking slowly for Mal's benefit, "we retaliated. We took down their unit, not just the one person."

"Okay," he agreed, though not happily. "So what's your plan?"

"We let them think they're winning. Play along with it. And turn it back on them."

Mal leaned back against the counter and folded his arms. "Okay," he nodded, "how?"

"They're trying to get us in bed. I think we can manage the same."

His jaw dropped. "You mean…"

"Yep."

"Simon and Jayne?"

"Yep."

"On the sly?"

"Yep."

"That, that's… that's messing with their heads. That's psychological warfare, darlin."

"You saying it's too much?'

"No, no, not at all. I'm just making sure we're on the same page."

"Kaylee and I can help!" River piped up. "I can manipulate."

"Okay," Mal said easily. "Why not? Just don't tell Simon or Jayne."

"Won't tell," River promised. She ran off to find Kaylee and inform her of the good news.

Mal looked carefully at Zoe, who was smirking like the devil. "What?' he asked, smiling despite himself.

"They're going down," she told him plainly.

"You better believe it. Say, while you're here, wanna help with dinner?"

"No," she told him flatly, "but for the man I want badly enough to put on my to do list, I will."