disclaimer: Joss owns them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wash did not like the way things were developing, and he complained about it as often as necessary. "I don't like this," he'd say. "She's my wife." And while he knew very well that Zoe wasn't his wife anymore ('till death do us part, yes, I get it), it didn't make him like it any more.

Hoban Washburn was an angel sent to watch over Serenity and make sure everything went smoothly. If someone were going to die, it was his job to prevent it. It was damn lonely work and thankless to boot. No one could see him even though he took up a lot of room (his usual height and then a fifteen foot wingspan on top of that. One thing he liked about the angel business were the killer wings that accompanied it.). Most of the time the crew just walked right through him, which stung a bit but he was used to it by now. He swore sometimes River looked right at him, her eyes wide and disbelieving. He'd wave at her and she'd scream or gasp or some such reaction, then blink a few times and continue on her way.

The point was, though, Wash did not like the way things were progressing. He'd always been worried about Zoe and Mal and everyone told him that it was all in his head, he was overreacting. A man and a woman could be friends with nothing between them. Well apparently they could not and he had been right all along in worrying. He didn't blame Zoe. He didn't even blame Mal most of the time. But it wasn't right just the same. There was nothing he could do about it, so he consoled himself in the delight that Simon and Jayne were seriously screwed and apparently easily manipulated. It was God that had put him on the ship to be watch dog, and sometimes God divulged secrets about people to him and sometimes she (yes, she) did not. As to whether or not Simon and Jayne were sly for one another, this was a fact she did not divulge. She only smiled coyly at Wash and told him "You'll see." He wasn't impressed. That was the same answer she'd given him when he'd asked if Zoe and Mal were going to be together.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If there was one policy Mal and Zoe had down pat, it was ignore the problem until it went away. And with two people ignoring things, problems disappear twice as fast. Damn convenient.

It took nearly two weeks for either party to make any plans on how to further along their bets. Everyone needed time to recuperate from the shock of the dancing fiasco. Simon and Jayne still hung out. It was more like Jayne lifted weights and made Simon spot him (which was stupid, according to Simon, because with the weight Jayne lifted there was no way Simon could save him if he dropped the dumbbell). Zoe and Mal spent most of their time together on the bridge trying to get work. But there was an awkwardness among everyone that needed to be aired for a while before anything could be normal again.

River was caught one morning trying to plant coffee beans in the floor of the common room. Mal came up behind Simon, who was standing in the doorway taking up space.

"What's up, doc?" he asked, concerned. Simon waved his hand at his sister on the floor. Mal watched her for a moment. "What's she doing?" he asked finally.

"Planting," Simon explained, as if that explained anything.

"Planting? My coffee? In the floor?"

"Need dirt," River told him, scratching gently on the cold steel. She couldn't seem to understand that it wouldn't peel back like she hoped. "Need water. Need stability."

"I'll say," Mal said under his breath in regards to her need of stability.

"Need ground," she said, louder. "Need dirt."

"I think she needs to land," Simon translated.

"What for?"

"Too much space. Too much motion, too much sky. Too much blackness." Now her small fists pounded the coffee beans into choppy grounds. "Too," pound "much," pound "space!" She gave one final pound, then bent at the waist and touched her face to the cool floor. "Too much space. The blackness consumes her heart."

"I think she needs to land," Simon said again. His tone never changed.

"River needs land," she told them both. She wasn't hysterical, not yet. She was damn depressed. She had long passed anxiousness and claustrophobia and was well on her way to apathetic defeat. "She hates the space."

"You're in luck," Mal told her, watching her with puzzled eyes. He would never understand her. "Serenity needs to be inspected, and a friend of mine is willing to look her over. And we're stopping tomorrow night, if all goes well."

"Inspected?" Simon asked. "I thought the point of a firefly-"

"This ain't an Alliance inspection, doc. Consider it more of… a procurement of needed parts determined by a professional of questionable practice."

"So a black market tradesman is going to see if he has stolen parts you need?"

"You catch on well, boy. I oughta pay you more." He patted Simon's shoulder, stepped over the pilot and continued on his merry way.

"More pay would indicate that you actually pay me," Simon called to the captain's back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon and Jayne were likely to freeze to death. They were hugging themselves tightly in a small two man tent of the thinnest canvas known to man with winds below zero blowing outside.

Okay, backtrack: As planned, Serenity made it to a small planet called Kannosha thirty hours after Mal had informed Simon they'd be landing. As soon as the door had opened, River ran out and spread herself onto the hot sand. She purred contentedly for five minutes. It could have been muddy marshland and she would have loved it. As long as it wasn't space. The crew as invited to dinner, which they all readily accepted. Then after dinner Mal and his black market friend made arrangements on where they would meet for inspection. The meeting place was an abandoned garbage dump (how appropriate) and the time was two in the morning. Only Mal was to come, and no one else could be on board during inspection. So, the question was raised, where would they all go? With a sick smile, Mal informed them they'd be taking a nice camping trip. Into the desert. Kaylee didn't like that someone else would be tinkering with her ship. Zoe didn't like being left out of something so important. Jayne didn't like being left out period. Simon didn't like that he'd be stuck out in the damn desert in the middle of the damn night where it could easily go to fifty below zero. River was the only one who didn't complain because she was twirling around in the sand.

Here they were now, the girls in one tent and the boys in the other. The girls had all cuddled together like sisters (Kaylee in the middle because River sometimes kicked and Zoe, if awoken suddenly by a combat move, would most likely strangle her) and they had fallen asleep hours ago under their pile of five enormous blankets. Jayne and Simon, however, had two thick sleeping bags that in almost any other climate would have been delightfully warm. Here, however, they may as well have been using tissue paper.

"I'm freezing," Simon muttered to himself. He was telling himself because he'd already told Jayne ten times and he had a feeling the merc was going to kill him soon.

"Really? I'm fine over here."

"Really?"

"No!" He punched behind him aimlessly, and hit Simon's thigh. Their backs were to each other but they'd punched one another several times and continued talking so none of it made sense at all. "I hate Mal right this here second. Think I'd shoot him if he came walking in."

"Wh-what if he was here to tell us to come inside?"

"Then I might just hug him." Jayne tugged on the sleeve of his thermal shirt to make it cover more. "How'd the women fall asleep so fast?"

"They're all under w-one s-s-set of blankets." His teeth were chattering despite the effort he was putting into making them stop.

"You weren't made for outdoors," Jayne commented innocently.

"No kidding. What gave it away?"

"For one, you ain't shut up yet. Two, you ain't in enough layers."

Simon rolled over, wishing he hadn't because his old spot had been warmer but too indignant not to. "You've got on two layers!" he scolded.

"I know what I can take. You don't. What, you got a sweater?"

"And long sleeves under it."

Jayne shrugged. "Guess that weren't enough."

"Oh, hell," Simon moaned, turning back over. "I can't wait for this night to be over." He curled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly. No matter what he did, there wasn't enough body heat in him to keep warm. His muscles were starting to ache from shivering so much.

Jayne pulled up his sleeping bag. He'd been giving Simon a hard time, but only because he was having a hard time coping too. He'd been in some seriously tough weather, but this was ridiculous. The wind didn't seem to want to stop. His shaking fingers clutched the edge of his sleeping bag tightly. Neither of them would get to sleep at this rate, and if they did there was a good chance they wouldn't be waking up again. "Doc," he said finally, just managing to keep the stammer from his voice.

"What?" Simon asked irritably. He was cold and exhausted and impatient.

"We're moving. Unzip your sleeping bag."

"Moving? Are you kidding me? Where the hell would we go, the sand dune ten feet away?"

"Just do it and shut your damn trap or I'll shut it for you." He was already out of his warm cocoon and regretting it, so no smart talk from the doctor was going to help. The tent was quiet save the sound of cold fingers pulling on colder zippers.

"Okay," Simon announced. "Now what?" Jayne grabbed his bag from him and laid it out on the ground, shoving the doctor towards the doorway. Simon stumbled over and frowned deeply. Next, Jayne laid his own sleeping bag on top and made a big, comfy looking bag for two.

"Get in," he commanded. "And get undressed."

Simon didn't get in or undress, but stared at the merc as thought his head had just tumbled off. "P-pardon?" he managed to stutter.

"Don't make me tell you twice." He was already inside the bag and pulling off his shirts. After slipping off his boots and wool pants and tossing them next to Simon, he looked at the doctor irritably. "Now!" he barked.

"I, I, I, I don't follow. Wh-why am I-"

"Basic training, not that you'd know nothing about it, doc. If your back stabbing friend were here, he could tell you all privates get dropped off in some godforsaken place and are left to survive in pairs of two." Simon continued to stare at him. Jayne rolled his eyes. "Best way to generate body heat. You wanna sleep anytime tonight and wake up tomorrow, get your ass in here."

Still, Simon didn't move. "You were in the army?"

"No," Jayne sneered, just a touch offended. "I said basic training. Lots of jobs need training, doc."

"But I don't see how me getting naked next to you-"

"Fine," Jayne snapped. "You stay out there and freeze your balls off cuz you can't deal with a little weirdness for one damn night." He pulled the blankets up to his chin and closed his eyes spitefully.

Simon had to think it over for only a little while. The chill beside the tent flap was a lot worse than when he was in the sleeping bag. And it was only one night. And he'd been through a lot more traumatic things than being naked next to Jayne. So shivering and with great disdain, he slipped between the already warm sheets. Jayne moved over a bit for him, his eyes still closed. Sleeping next to a naked man was one thing. Watching him undress was another.

Finally undressed and hella uncomfortable, Simon returned to his fetal position of earlier. He had to admit despite himself, this was a lot better. His muscles could finally relax some as the heat between them warmed the sleeping bags. It was by no means warm, but considerably less cold. Still, he was chilly and sleep would be a long ways away.

As though reading his thoughts, Jayne rolled on his side and wrapped a powerful (and warm, oh sweet warmth) arm around Simon's chest. He melted and went rigid all at once. "Uh…" he mumbled uncomfortably.

"Oh, shut up," Jayne groaned in his ear. "Stop talking about it and just… sleep."

So Simon did shut up and tried to sleep. It wasn't easy, though. He could distinctly feel Jayne's stomach pressed against his lower back, and he could only guess what that was beneath it. He felt very warm in several unfamiliar ways. Well, to say they were unfamiliar would be a lie. To say they were unexpected would be truth. There was a burning in his lower belly he really wished would go away.

Behind him, Jayne sighed in his sleep and nuzzled the back of Simon's neck. It sent a cold chill up his spine. "Jayne?" he whispered. Oh, God, he thought. Jayne is a girl's name and whispering it like that sounded so much like pillow talk.

"Hmm?" Jayne responded a few seconds later, obviously on the border of asleep and awake.

"Just… I…well…"

"What?" he grumbled sleepily.

"Just… um… d-don't kiss me in your sleep, okay?"

"Mmhmm." He shifted a bit, pressing himself closer unknowingly. "Can I choke you?"

"What?"

"Cuz you keep keepin' me awake. Can I choke you to death?"

"Oh, sorry. Sorry, I'll shut up now."

"Hallelujah, there is a God." But he was asleep again in seconds. One thing to be said about Jayne, he could be both awake and asleep in a matter of milliseconds. Slowly, peacefully, Simon drifted to sleep as well.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc?"

Someone was talking to him from far off. He was too comfortable, too warm and sleepy to bother responding.

"Doc."

The pale light of slumber shook itself from his eyes. He would have to get up, he knew that. But his muscles wouldn't move yet.

"Simon!"

His eyes snapped awake, all comfort replaced by confusion. "Huh?" he mumbled, his voice raspy.

"Get off my damn arm."

He adjusted his sight to his surroundings. Jayne was looking down at him sternly. He was lying on his stomach, sprawled halfway over the merc's body. Surprised and ashamed, he sat up hurriedly. His face flushed seven shades of crimson. "Sorry," he whispered, too mortified for words.

Jayne shook his arm to get blood flowing again. "You're not as light as you look," he informed the doctor indifferently. Truthfully, he felt just about as unsettled as Simon looked. Had been the strangest night. Not the first time he'd spent the night lying beside a nude man, but sure was the first time he'd gone to sleep spooning with and woken up embracing one. All manner of weird.

The ten flap zipped open and Kaylee poked her head in. "Morning," she said cheerily. "Sleep well?"

Both Simon and Jayne pulled the blankets up to their chins. They pulled in opposite directions, though, so Kaylee got to see some exposed skin. She giggled. "Cap'n's waiting in the jeep," she informed them, and closed the flap as she left.

"Oh, God," Simon moaned. "I can't believe she saw that."

"She didn't seem to notice," Jayne said stupidly. Simon stared at him blankly. "Well, maybe she didn't!" he protested.

"Last night, this, none of it ever happened. Let's repress this memory as far as it will go."

"Fine," Jayne snarled, pulling on his clothing as discreetly as he could. "Like you'd be my first choice goin' sly anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Jayne scoffed, struggling with his shirt over his head. "I wouldn't pick you as my number one choice. Please."

Simon buttoned his shirt, contemplating. "Why not?" he asked finally.

"Oh, we ain't having this discussion."

"Forget it, never mind. I'm sorry."

"That's why!" Jayne declared. "You got no backbone whatsoever, you're a damn woman."

"Well… I mean… Wouldn't that make the transition easier?"

"What is this, a proposal?"

"No, no!" he added hurriedly. "No, it's not that. I just thought-"

"That's another thing. You think too damn much." He plopped onto the ground and yanked a boot on. "You never do nothing, you just think it to death. To death. And when you finally do something, it's like it's already been done cuz you thought about it too much."

"Since when did thinking become a bad thing?" Simon wanted to know. "What's wrong with being smart? Coming from an idiot I can understand the frustration, but you'd think you'd want someone who could counter balance your ignorance."

Jayne towered over Simon menacingly. "You wanna eat those words for breakfast, doc?"

"No, no, let's just drop it. I'm sorry." He looked at the floor and waited for Jayne to step away. The merc shook his head and gathered up the sleeping bags.

"Gorram woman," he grumbled, stepping out into the desert.

"Ignorant ass," Simon mumbled to himself, pulling his sweater over his head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note: To fully understand the interaction between Wash and God, you would have to read A Class Act. Or at the very least, the last chapter to A Class Act.