Moving On

Disclaimer: Supernatural doesn't belong to me, nor does Dean, Sam, or the other characters you recognise. I am making no money so please don't come looking for me.

Warning: some violence as the story progresses

Spoilers - post-end of Series 1 Devil's Trap so some passing mention of events in Season episodes such as Faith, Home, Devil's Trap etc.

Author's Note: Depending which episode I have watched most recently, my feelings about John Winchester vary. If you are a fan of JW - don't read and flame - this story for reasons best known to itself was not kind to him - if that is going to upset you, please don't read on.

Author's Note (2): Thanks Rae for your continued support.

Chapter 4 – Touching The Tip Of The Iceberg

I wait. Sam has been in Dean's room for ten minutes. There are no raised voices or things being thrown, so I suppose that is a good sign.

After another 5 minutes, Sam returns, the plate of sandwiches untouched. "Dean not up to it?"

"He was asleep. I didn't wake him. I just watched."

"Probably wise." I give him a plate of the food Dean made earlier.

"You know, I don't think we've ever really not shared a room other than when I left. I suppose he shared with Dad then."

"Part of the time." It crossed my mind that Sam must have spent the whole fifteen minutes in Dean's room coming up with this way to start the conversation.

"What happened while I was gone, Bobby?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's changed."

"Not so much. It just needs practice being together again. You've both grown up a bit."

"It's harder than it was when we were kids."

"Why?"

"He's not so... I dunno... open... easy to understand. I just feel like sometimes there's a world of difference between us. Too many things we don't understand or know about each other."

"Don't know maybe. You know, with a little time and effort you'd understand one another a whole lot better."

"I suppose. Probably need some apologies first. I'm sorry, Bobby."

"What're you apologising to me for?"

"The two of shouting the odds in your house. My having made him so upset he was ill and then leaving you to deal with it. The conversation we've just had, the fact we're imposing on your hospitality. Anything else you can think of really." He smiled wryly.

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I was so harsh. And I guess I don't really intend throwing you out."

His smile grew bigger. "That's kind of a relief, but you know what, I'm kind of hoping you meant it: the part about putting Dean first just now.

"Why do you say that?"

"You know I get these dreams?"

"Hmmm."

"Well, since Dad left, when Dean and I were still in the hospital, I've been having these particular dreams. Things I don't actually remember, but things that happened to Dean and I when we were kids, I think. At first, it took me ages to realise it was us in the dream."

"What sort of things?"

"There's this one where Dean is rocking me in his arms and I'm asleep but he's kind of crying but he's saying things as if to calm me down. He can only be about six and I'm barely past being a baby."

"You won't remember this. I don't know if even Dean does to be honest but I know that Caleb and I each found you and Dean alone in motel rooms without your Dad when he was off hunting."

"I don't remember Dean ever saying anything."

"Even then he wouldn't talk about it. The time I found you, I knew John was late meeting me. We had our first big argument that time because the two of you had been alone for at least two and a half days before I got into you. I didn't know you were there, otherwise I'd have come straight to you when I arrived, but I assumed you were with your Dad. I'd been at the hotel for a day and a half when your Dad phoned and got put through to my room to say he was going to be late and could I check Dean still had enough food for you. I was furious with him. I came down to your room and tried for an hour and a half to talk Dean into letting me in. Your Dad had convinced him that if anyone found out you were alone, they would take you away and that would be Dean's fault.

"In my dream, he's crying and saying 'Don't worry baby, he'll be back.'"

"I made the mistake of trying to get him to open the door first. I tried to coerce him, promised him all sorts if he would just let me in but he wouldn't. Eventually, I picked the lock. You were fine, as clean as toddlers ever are, fed, sleeping. Everything was as it should be for a child your age. Not so for your brother though. You two would have been taken into care if a social services type had found him. Dean didn't look like he'd slept since your Dad had left, he'd barely eaten anything. When I finally got him to say something about that, I put the pieces together that it wasn't the first time your Dad had gone and not returned, so things that you could eat were put to one side and he ate just enough to survive."

"You said Caleb found us as well?"

"Yeah, I told Jim what had happened, so I know he would have told Caleb and probably some of the others too, to look out for the two of you. The first hint Caleb had that the two of you weren't with John and he went straight to your motel room. He didn't knock, he went straight for the lock and got in, didn't waste time trying to talk Dean into opening the door. It was a good job he got there when he did. Dean was sick, high temperature, shivering, sore throat, the works, but you, you were fine, up on your feet and all over the place. It was all Dean could do to stay awake and watch you let alone keep you under control. Caleb took charge but just like with me, it was really difficult to reason with Dean. He was too frightened of what your Dad would say. A day later, Dean was even sicker, there was no sign of your Daddy, so Caleb tried to bundle you both in his car to take you to Jim. But that was a battle. As soon as Dean realised what was happening, he began to fight tooth and nail. I remember Caleb saying he was grateful Dean's throat was too sore for him to shout. In the end, he compromised and got Jim on the phone. Jim managed to convince Dean that it was okay for Caleb to take you both to his. He was still stubborn though, he held out until they agreed to get a car seat for you to keep you safe on the way. He was a right devil when it came to protecting you."

"We've argued sometimes and I've accused him of being worse than Dad."

"He probably was."

"He didn't deserve me throwing it back in his face like that."

"Sam, give yourself a break. When I set to earlier, it wasn't to make you feel guilty about your whole life. What happened when you were kids wasn't your fault or Dean's?"

"He did more than he should have had to."

"Yep. And you put up with more crap than you should have had to. Either one of you could have said something to Jim, to Caleb, to me, to your school teachers, but you didn't. You both protected your father more than he's ever deserved. We let him get away with things when we knew better. That was all you and Dean ever knew: we knew what it should have been like."

"And Missouri? Where does she fit into all of this? Why do you two argue?"

"That's between us and it's in the past. Not something you need to worry about. It doesn't actually matter anymore."

"You don't think much of Missouri's being psychic?"

"I didn't say that, boy."

"No? Well, what then?"

"You wouldn't use an ice-pick to take out a splinter? Thought not, but you send in a psychic to read Dean before you do him the decency of asking him what he's thinking? Before you give him the right to decide what he wants you to know? He's never confided in you before?"

"Not really, no."

"Nothing at all in the last year?"

"Well... yeah actually there were a couple of things. He told me..."

"Sam, he told you things, little by little maybe, but he told you them."

"I guess, it's just… it's so slow, I want to help him get better now."

"It will. You need to remember, he's got to get used to you being an adult. He's always had to look out for you, make sure you didn't know how bad things really were. He's always tried to protect you and as much as he can he still tries. This is your chance to prove it can go both ways now."