Moving On

Disclaimer: Supernatural doesn't belong to me, nor do Dean, Sam, or the other characters you recognise. I am making no money so please don't come looking for me.

Warning: some references to past violence as the story progresses

Spoilers - post-end of Series 1 Devil's Trap so some passing mention of events in Season episodes such as Faith, Home, Devil's Trap etc.

Chapter 8

- Thank God, It's in the Past

I'm surprised when he does start to tell me, even though as I listen I'm sure that he's playing it down.

"Not much to say. Dad got pissed, I wound him up, we fought, I left, I crashed the car. He called Bobby thinking I'd gone there. Bobby came out and found me, helped me get cleaned up and I checked into a motel. Week or so later, Dad and I repeated the process, without the car crash: I learnt that lesson the first time. Anyway we went through the whole process maybe four or five times."

"You go to a motel every time he hit you?"

"I didn't say 'he hit me', I said 'we fought'."

"I know what you said. I also know he makes a nasty drunk and that you don't fight him. You let him push you around if you think it will be over quicker. So that all changed when I left did it?"

"Sam, I just... I..."

"Dean, I've never understood it how you could let him treat you like that without snapping but I've never thought badly of you because of it. Loads of times it worked, he calmed down, it sorted. I just worried when it didn't work, when he started to lay into you, when you did nothing to stop him. I always worried that one day he would really hurt you when he was like that. So my question is, did you always check into a motel?"

"Until the last time, yeah. You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now what a mean drunk he is, but I guess it took a while to sink in." He sounds so sad as he says it, I can see his eyes lost in thought, remembering the past events.

"What happened the last time?"

"We were on a job. He was already drunk and things didn't go smoothly, I guess. Anyway, I got hurt. We got back to the motel and he started drinking again. I was fussing about him helping me clean up. He'd had enough so he hit me a few times. Then he left to meet Caleb. On the way he called the Pastor, told him he thought I was in trouble. Bobby came down and got me."

"He left you?"

"It was for the best at the time. I'd really pissed him off. Anyway, when Bobby arrived he ended up taking me to the ER. They sent the police to the motel, got Dad's description. Next thing I knew, he'd already been picked up for drink-driving. They just added my injuries to the list of crimes. By the time I was fit for release, I had to come up with the money to pay his driving fine but fortunately I had conviced them I'd been beaten up by someone else. Still it took me a while to get together enough money to get him out and Bobby let me stay while I did. Wouldn't lend me the money though. Anyway, Bobby drove me down the day, I went to get him out. Dad was raging that I'd left him in there so long when he did come out. Bobby just shoved me back in his car and we went back to his place, just left Dad there. He turned up a couple of months later looking for me, sober, clean, fairly apologetic and it all more or less blew over."

"What then?"

"We hit the road again. He stayed sober, more or less. We went back to work."

"You let him get away with what he did to you?"

"Not really Sam. The guy had to spend at least a couple of weeks in jail until I could get the money together. No-one would lend it to me, not Bobby obviously, but not Pastor Jim or Caleb either. I really struggled to come up with the money."

"You should have just left him to rot."

"You and Bobby would make a great tag team the way your minds work. That's exactly what he said. Anyway, Dad spent some time with Jim, got his act together and came back for me and everything was fine."

"You just forgave him?"

"Sam, it wasn't like that. I knew he was drunk. I should have stopped him drinking sooner. Or I should have stopped us going out on the job. I knew what was happening, I knew the risks. It was my fault."

"I don't follow your reasoning on that but I'll let it slide. When you got back and he hit you; that your fault too?"

"I provoked him, Sam. I should have known better."

"What exactly did you do to provoke him?"

"Look are you going to pay attention to the road or are we going to drive straight past the hospital when we get there? Are you getting the groceries while I'm in there?"

His barrier is flying back up and he's not going to tell me anymore so I back down and go with the change of topic. "I thought I'd come with you."

"For my benefit or to see Rosie?"

"I thought I'd come with you."

"You don't trust me?"

"Not that. Just thought I could come."

"Whatever!"

"Dean." I try not to sound too upset with his offhand remark. "I'm not trying to butt in, if you don't want me there, but I just want you to..."

"Sam, lighten up, okay. I know I did a really good impression of falling apart yesterday but trust me, just now I'm okay. Surprisingly so actually. So enough angst already. You don't want to shop for groceries alone. Fine come with me and Ill help you shop after."

I do go with him and the good thing about it is when he plays down the pain in his chest, with a nudge in the right direction, I get him to admit how much it still hurts. They can't explain it and just offer more painkillers but the breakthrough is his admission. It dawns on me that I am trying to break years of brainwashing; that Dean has lived by Dad's 'suck it up soldier' at least since Mom died, whereas I would run to him with hurts, not Dad and he would fuss over some and tell me to 'suck it up' with the lesser ones. Years later and I have a more realistic view of what can be worked through and what needs attention. Dean needs to learn that he can ask for help without being seen as weak.

Author's Note: Thank you to all who read and reviewed, including and especiallly Rae Artemis.