To Dream a Dream Book 2: The Line Between Dreams and Nightmares

by TheSojournReader

This is a continuation of my first story, To Dream a Dream. Rachel has love and support from her friends and family to help her deal with her illness. What worries them most is the uncertainty. Will their loving support be the ladder Rachel climbs as she struggles towards remission? Or will it be the comfort she embraces as she slips away?

24. Don't Say Goodbye

Chapter 24: Don't Say Goodbye

Shelby is driving with the windows down to let the spring air cool her warm car. 'Tears in Heaven' starts playing on the radio. She immediately changes the station. 'If I Die Young' is playing. She changes the station. When 'I'll Be Missing You' comes on, she shuts the radio off. Silence is better than….that. She just…..can't handle it. It doesn't matter how long it has been, she can't deal with those types of songs just yet. She takes a couple deep breaths and focuses on the road. The light changes and she makes her turn. She pulls into the hospital parking lot and stops, looking around. Her heart starts hammering. Her throat closes up. Her vision blurs. A car behind her honks. Pulled out of her momentary stupor, she keeps driving. She drives to the back, where it's almost empty, and parks.

Her hands are shaking. She looks up at the building before her. She hasn't been here in a while. She'd come here on instinct. So many times when she has been on that road, she has turned right to come here. She wasn't supposed to this time. She turned out of habit. She hasn't had to come to the hospital in months. She has no reason to be here now.

No reason at all.

She lets the tears come. They start slowly, like a river flowing through a crack in a dam. Then the dam breaks and she is sobbing. Shelby rests her head on the steering wheel. She has no reason to be here. Someone shakes her arm.

She blinks and looks up. Her mother sits next to her. "Were you dreaming?"

Shelby looks around. She's sitting in Rachel's hospital room. Her daughter is asleep on the bed. Still feeling a little disoriented, she looks back at her mom. "I…..yeah, I guess I was."

"I'm sorry it seemed like a bad dream. But I'm glad you got some sleep. And it was just a dream, Shel."

Shelby nods and wipes her face dry.

It was just a dream. The problem is that she woke up into a real life nightmare.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kurt sits in the choir room, only half listening to Mr. Schue. Looking around, it seems like most of the club isn't fully paying attention. Everyone is too aware of who is missing. And why. It doesn't matter how long she's been out of school, her absence is still keenly felt. They don't have to be at school, that was made clear to them. They don't even want to be there. They're there for one reason and one reason only: to rehearse for Regionals. They need to keep their promise to Rachel and kick ass. Kurt can't express how terrified he is. The nightmares of her dying in his arms come every night now. Waking up isn't much of a relief because he then remembers that it really happened. And the fear that it could happen again sits ever present in a tiny crevice of his heart, slowly bleeding out and spreading. She could die. She is dying. So yeah, he's struggling. He's terrified. He could get the call at any time that she's gone. Talking about it….even to a video camera….has helped a little. But he realizes Rachel was right, before. He needs to sing about it. That's how they cope best.

"Kurt?" He looks up at Mr. Schuester. "You okay?"

"No."

Mercedes grabs his hand. "What do you need?"

"To sing, actually."

"Do you have a specific song?"

Kurt opens his mouth to say no, but stops. He does have a specific song, actually. He hadn't thought about it, but now that it popped in his head he knows its perfect. He nods.

"The floor is yours."

He stands and faces the club, hands clasped in front of him. "On the day of my mom's funeral, when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. I mean, that was it. That was the last time I was ever going to see her. I remember I looked up at my Dad and I just wanted him to say something. Just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over. And he just….took my hand and squeezed it. Knowing that those hands were there to take care of me….that was enough. Which is good, because…..he was never big on words. Then, in sixth grade, I was bullied. I mean, I'd been bullied in elementary school, but this was different. This was….so much worse than any bullying I'd experienced yet. And I didn't have my Mom to comfort me this time. I was truly afraid and hurt. And then this tiny girl stood by my side and told the bully to leave me alone. Well, the guy laughed at her, but he did leave. I didn't even know this girl's name yet, but she held my hand and smiled at me and said 'we can face them together'. Knowing someone was there to be by my side, holding my hand when things got hard….I felt better. I wasn't alone and I didn't have to be so scared." He looks at their faces and sees their bitter smiles. "Well, I'm scared now. I'm terrified." He swipes at the tears on his face. "I don't have the words to express just how much. Knowing that she….she….I know I'm not alone and I know she's not alone. But things are hard and I'm scared. She has always been there for me and I've always been there for her. I don't…" He can't even say the words. He gives up. "So, this is for her."

"Yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

And when I touch you
I feel happy inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah, you got that something
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand"

His friends stand and hug him, many of their faces as wet as his.

"Does anyone else want to sing?" Mr. Schuester asks softly.

"No song I think of seems right." Mercedes admits.

"It just has to be right for you. You don't even have to explain why." He assures her.

Hesitantly, she nods. Mercedes stands and sings out her own emotions. Tina does the same. No one else feels up to singing. Mr. Schuester looks around at a loss. He knows they only came in to rehearse, but he also knows there's no way in hell they're in the right state of mind to actually do it. He gives up and sits. He begins talking about the first time he met Rachel. And the first few rehearsals they had. Some of them cry. Some smile. But they all listen silently. He only stops when the door opens. Burt and Carole both stand there. Mr. Schuester stands shakily. He can't seem to speak anymore. Instead, he sits next to Sue. She takes his hand and squeezes it tight, her own jaw clenched.

"This is it, guys." Burt says in a rough voice. "She'll be gone by morning. They don't think she'll make it through the night."

Kurt's world shatters. Blaine wraps his arms around him, keeping him from toppling over. Around him he hears the sounds of his friends simultaneously breaking down and supporting one another.

"She fought long and hard." Carole tells them. "You all know this better than anyone else. You all have been there with her from the very beginning. She never stopped fighting. She's still fighting. But….she's just….too tired and in too much pain…..and too weak."

"Is she scared?" Tina asks in a sob.

"No." Burt tells them. "Not only do the doctors have her on medication to keep her calm so she doesn't panic when she struggles to breathe, but she told us she's not."

"She's relieved." Everyone looks over at Finn. He's leaning forward in his chair, his arms on his knees and looking down. His hands are clenched. "She wants to live. But…she doesn't want to keep suffering. She's relieved to know it'll soon end. That soon…..she won't be in pain anymore."

"She told you that?" Santana asks him.

He nods slowly.

"When?"

"About a week or two ago." Seeing their incredulous faces, he goes on. "She had a nightmare that she died, but she could still feel the pain. That she'd have to spend eternity scared and in pain. She woke up terrified and called me at three in the morning. I helped her reason out that its not possible. Then…..then she admitted she would be relieved to die. To know there's an end to her suffering." He looks at each of them in turn, his eyes bloodshot. "Knowing she's going to die kills me." He swallows back his rising emotion before continuing. "More than anything, I want her to get better and be here with me, by my side. Even if I couldn't be with her, if she broke up with me. Just knowing she was in the same world as me and okay would be enough for me. But….I love her. I love her so much that I can't stand to know she's suffering. So….if there's no chance of her getting better, or there's a small chance but she'd have to keep suffering longer…I'd rather let her go. I don't want her to be in pain anymore. She's suffered long enough. We need to remember that."

Puck tackles him, holding the taller boy as he breaks down sobbing. When everyone calms down a little while later, they sit quietly once again.

"We've already contacted your parents and told them. They'll be coming here soon."

"Here? Why not meet us at the hospital?" Mike asks.

His dad and Carole share a look. "Because you will not be going to the hospital."

Immediately, they begin arguing. Mr. Schuester is the one to snap and scream at them to shut up and listen.

"Look, I know you guys are family. But…..you said your goodbyes last night. Today is for her biological family. And us." He nods his head towards Kurt and Finn.

"Wait," Sam begins, sounding desperate, "just wait. You just told us we'll never see her again. I know we said goodbye yesterday, but that was different! That wasn't…that wasn't a goodbye forever. That was a 'just in case' goodbye. A 'see you later' goodbye. We didn't know then it'd be the last!"

The other kids nod their agreements. Quinn picks up where Sam left off.

"Can we come by one more time? We won't stay long. We can go in one or two at a time and….and say our last goodbye."

"Please?"

Kurt watches his dad waver. "Alright. Come to the hospital. But I'll need to check with Shelby before you actually go in. Got it?"

They agree and begin organizing transportation to the hospital.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby let them come. She steps out, her parents urging her to get some fresh air before going back in for the end. The friends entered the room. The adults gave them ten minutes alone with her. Rachel managed to wake up for some of it. They crowded around and on her bed. They hate how labored her breathing is. She's shaking. Despite this, she is calm.

"Thank you." They all look at Rachel carefully, taking in every detail. She's smiling. "For….being the…..best friends…ever."

They smile back weakly, agreeing that she's the best friend ever as well.

"I love you all." It's the strongest she has spoken in days. "So much."

"We love you, too, Rachel. Very much." Santana promises her.

They each hug her one more time, all of them in tears. Not wanting this to end on a negative note, Rachel begins humming softly. It's a challenge for her, her breathing already a battle, but she powers through. When they recognize the melody, they begin softly singing. They know they don't have the time, and Rachel doesn't have the energy, for the full song so they cut to the end.

"Tonight
We are young
So lets set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home tonight"

When they finish, they're still in tears but calmer and smiling. Rachel drifts off to sleep and they begin again, singing it softly from the top. When the adults return, they're not surprised that Rachel is asleep. They are surprised how calm the kids are. When asked, Sam explains.

"Rachel was right. Singing is a great way to deal with emotions."

"You sang?"

"We all did. Rachel too, briefly. Well…..like two lines."

Shelby's eyebrows shoot up. "Really? What song?"

The kids hesitate, sharing a look. Kurt answers her. "We Are Young by f.u.n. She does like the song and she wanted us to sing something a little upbeat. But I think it was more than that."

Blaine nods his agreement. "Yeah, though I'm not sure if she was thanking us for carrying her home or telling us to set the world on fire and burn brighter than the sun. Metaphorically, of course."

Santana scoffs. "Knowing Berry, probably both. Queen of metaphors."

The kids chuckle. They surprise Shelby by hugging her goodbye as they leave. Blaine pauses before leaving.

"Um….Artie and I made the recording because she has always said she loves the sounds there. Of our spot. Us talking and hanging out. The fire crackling. All that." Shelby nods, not sure where he's gong with this. "But there's one more sound she has repeatedly said she loves. We just don't have a recording of it to play for her."

"What's that?" If she can quickly find a recording of whatever it is, she'll get it.

"You humming." Tears jump to her eyes. The boy smiles gently, then leaves.

Finn and Kurt are the last, as usual. Even though she's asleep and they've already said their goodbyes, they take their time. Finn once again kisses her lightly on the lips and whispers that he loves her. Kurt hugs her lightly, his tears starting up again. He, too, whispers his love for her one final time. He knows he's allowed to stay but he's not sure he wants to. He already talked to Rachel about it and she promised him she wouldn't be upset if he decided he didn't want to be at her side or in the room when she passed. She swore she'd understand and he believes her. Now the moment is arriving and he's still uncertain. Will he regret not being here? Or will he just be adding to his nightmares?

His dad places a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Kurt, I think you should stay. Be here with her. But if you don't think it will help you, then you can go wait with your friends."

"I don't know."

"Why don't you sit with her while you decide?"

He nods and sits. Kurt holds his sister's hand. He knows now is the time to say goodbye, but what can he possibly say? And how? There's too much to say. And yet…he knows she knows it all. She knows that he loves her. She knows that he's so glad she was part of his life and went from being his friend, to cousin, to sister. That she has left a handprint on his heart. What could he possibly say now that would have any real meaning that she doesn't already know? Is it enough to just repeat how much he loves her? A tear slips down his cheek. He presses his lips together, holding the rest in like a dam against a suddenly rising river. A hand rests on his shoulder. With effort, he tears his eyes away from Rachel. Aunt Shelby is standing by him now. Once she has his attention, she gently grasps his chin.

"Do you want a little time alone with her? Of all of us, you've known her the longest." Tears fill her eyes, but don't fall. "And I know how much you love her."

He nods. She kisses his forehead and leaves. The others in the room file out after her. His father gives him a comforting and encouraging hug before leaving. Alone in the room with Rachel, he carefully lays on the bed with her. He gently shakes her awake. Gradually, she opens her eyes. He smiles as best he can.

"Hey, Tink. It's just us right now."

She smiles faintly. "Our goodbye?"

Kurt's stomach flips. "Yes. And no."

Rachel's eyes flit across his face. After a moment, she smiles. "Don't say goodbye, Pan."

He gives her a trembling smile in return. "Right. The school musical in sixth grade. Peter Pan. Of course our entire friendship is based on musicals."

"Don't say goodbye
It's not the end
I'm never far away"

She stops there, her voice fading out and her chest taking in gasping breaths. He takes over for her.

"So close your eyes
And dream
And I will seem
To be here by your side"

Rachel squeezes his hand and slowly, faintly, whisper sings the next two lines

"And I will mend
The hurt you feel today"

Her eyes briefly clench shut. When the reopen, she continues, jumping ahead a little in the song.

"Don't cry too much
When I am gone"

Her singing has become whisper talking with pauses between words as she gathers the strength to speak/sing.

"Don't cry too much
Just smile, be happy now
Be strong"

Kurt ignores the tears streaming down both their cheeks. He joins her in the next verse, making sure to keep pace with her, going as slow and quiet as she needs.

"Don't try to lose
What we have found
Believe in what we knew
Don't wonder how we came to now
Don't wonder why"

Her chest is heaving. He takes the next line.

"Don't ask me to forget you too"

Kurt hadn't though she'd have the strength or energy to sing any more, faint though it's been, but she continues to surprise him. She keeps going, her eyes on his, looking determined.

"Don't throw away
What we've been through"

He joins her.

"Don't say goodbye"

She can't sing anymore. She can't even speak anymore. Her eyelids are slipping closed, though she's fighting it. He lightly kisses her lips, silently asking her to stop and rest. He sings the final line softly, but with more emotion than he has sung anything in his life.

"Don't say goodbye"

Kurt pulls her against him. She curls against him limply. He knows she's awake, but barely clinging to consciousness.

"Thanks for…..being…..my…brother." The soft murmur floats through his ears, through his tear ducts, and straight to his heart.

"Thanks for being my sister. I love you, Rachel."

Looking down at her, he sees the slight upturn to her lips. She may be exhausted and fighting to stay awake, but she almost manages a smile. Was this whole song moment a bit over the top? Even for them? Yes, Kurt concedes, it probably was. Does he care? Hell no. Overdramatic is just how they do things.

"Love…..you….Kurt."

She's out cold. Kurt continues to hold her until the adults return. His dad gently guides him off the bed. Releasing her is hard. So is leaving the room. In the hallway, his dad wraps his arms tight around him. Kurt falls apart in his dad's arms.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The ten friends talked it over in the waiting room. They decided sitting there wasn't going to help anyone. They bundle up and drive to their spot. They already got Rachel's grandfather to promise to light the candles at the end. She'll be smelling their spot as she dies. They want to as well; a way to sort of be connected to her even if they're not physically with her. The drive over, in each car, is silent. They silently light the bonfire. They sit, holding each other, in the silence. Just listening to the crackling fire and the wind in the trees. After almost an hour of this, Mike speaks up.

"This is ridiculous. We don't need to be silent while waiting. Silence isn't going to honor her. We made that recording of us talking and hanging out. Happy. We did that for her. We can do it for ourselves, too."

"What exactly do you want to talk about?" Quinn challenges. "How Rachel is going to be dead within the next few hours?"

Brittany starts sobbing again. Santana wraps her arms around her, her own tears overflowing even as she glares at Quinn.

"Or maybe we talk about her. Good times we had with her." Mike snaps back. "Or sing, since singing is her passion."

Quinn cracks, her bitchy persona giving way to her hurting heart. Mike hugs her.

"I met her in the music store." Blaine begins. "She and Kurt were arguing over a Whitney Houston song. Whether it should be a group number or a solo."

And that began a night of reminiscing.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby has given each member of her family, Burt, Kurt, and Finn, time holding Rachel. Now, she will be greedy and hold her. She's eaten what she can. She drank water and emptied her bladder. She is in comfortable clothes. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. Physically, she is ready. Emotionally, she never will be. Never. She climbs onto the bed. Gently, she slides her arm under her daughter and carefully rolls her so that she's resting her head on her shoulder. She gets herself comfortable, then makes sure Rachel is as comfortable as can be.

Now they wait.

They'd dimmed the light above the bed. They'd dimmed all the lights. Her heart rate monitor is now the brightest thing in the room, besides the candles. Shelby is tempted to ask them to turn off the monitor. They know what's coming. And hearing the pauses between the beeps get longer is painful to listen to. Listen to. Shelby carefully places the earbuds in Rachel's ears. There's no reason Rachel has to listen to the beeps and the other sounds of the hospital as her final sounds. She keeps the volume down low. She wants Rachel to still be able to hear anyone talking directly to her. But she keeps the audio playing for her. Kelly lights the candles once more.

Shelby holds her daughter, cradling her in her arms. She tries to focus on the present moment and not the future ahead. Thinking about what Blaine told her, she begins humming softly while slowly rubbing Rachel's back. As time ticks by, Rachel's breathing becomes shallower. Raspier. Longer pauses between breaths.

"Mom?" It's a faint rasp. And yet, it garners the full attention of everyone in the room.

"Yeah, baby girl?"

She doesn't respond right away. She fights to raise her eyelids. Shelby moves just enough to be able to look her daughter in the eye. When Rachel speaks, she needs to take a breath between each word.

"Thanks…..for…..being…my….mom."

Shelby ignores absolutely everything except this, pushing everything else away. She smiles at her child. "You are so very welcome. It has been the joy of my life. Thank you for being my daughter."

The corner of Rachel's mouth lifts slightly. "I….dreamed….of…..a…mom…my…..whole…..life." Rachel pauses, turning her head to press into Shelby's shoulder. She takes a moment to gather up the strength to keep talking. "…..but…..you…..ended up….being…so much…more wonderful…..than…I could….have….imagined."

She hopes Rachel sees the tears she's crying as happy tears. They sort of are. "I'm so happy to hear that. I've loved you your entire life. But having you with me this past year has been even more amazing than I could have ever imagined."

Rachel manages a full smile now, her eyes sparkling. Her chest heaves with the effort to keep breathing. "Love…you…Mommy."

Shelby hugs her tight, no longer worried about bruising her. They've drugged her up enough to keep her both calm and pain free. They'd promised her that much. She kisses her temple firmly. "I love you too, Rachel."

The tears flow freely now. There's no stopping them, so she doesn't even try. She doesn't bother looking at anyone else in the room. Her sole focus is the child in her embrace. The claws in chest pierce deeper, tightening, and preparing to shred her to pieces. Shelby ignores it and resumes humming a soothing melody. She presses her face against the top of Rachel's head.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel drifts.

She feels warm. Loved. Safe. More comfortable than she has ever felt in her entire life. There is no pain and no fear. She is relaxed. Her mom is holding her, rocking her. Her grandparents and aunts and uncles surround her. It's nice to know she is so very loved. And to know she'll truly be missed. And remembered.

Even through the supplemental oxygen she can smell the candles burning. The scents bring her back to their spot. The earbuds in her ears plays the audio softly. The sounds of crackling fire, wind in the trees, and her friends talking happily fills her with peace. Then her mom's voice floats above it all, humming a soothing melody. If this is heaven, she's quite happy here.

She drifts, a barely noticeable smile on her lips.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Finn and Kurt show up to their spot about two hours after the others arrived. For a while they just sat. Then they talked and cried. Kurt wandered to the cliff and sat at the edge, leaning against Blaine. The others join them. Finn joins them, but doesn't sit. For a moment, he looks lost. Then furious. He raises his face to the star studded sky and releases a howl that resounds in each of them. Mike grabs him in a hug, then pulls him down to sit with them. Twelve friends sit on the small cliff, a fire crackling a ways behind them, a starry sky glittering above them. They remain this way for a little while. Finn abruptly stands.

"I can't be here." He spins around.

"Dude, where are you going?"

"I need to be with her. I need to be there. I can't….." He stops trying to explain and hurries off into the dark woods, past the fire.

For a second, Kurt stares after him. Then he suddenly knows with absolute certainty that he needs to be there as well. He'd never forgive himself if he wasn't there in her final moments. He jumps up and runs after the quarterback.

"Wait! I'm going with you!"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Her breaths get raspier and more shallow. Each long pause causes Shelby to stop breathing as well, her hand on Rachel's back, waiting to see if she'll breathe again. When she does, Shelby breathes as well. Finn and Kurt have returned, removed their coats, and settled into seats to wait. She'd barely spared them a glance until they silently moved closer. Her family understood and moved back, giving the boys room. These boys have known her longer than them and love her just as fiercely. Finn meets her eyes questioningly as he reaches for one of Rachel's hands. Shelby nods. He takes it in his own, holding it firmly. Kurt, looking once more like a scared little boy, sits by her feet and rests a hand on Rachel's leg.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She drifts.

The rowboat gently rocks side to side. It's calming. She watches the scenery slowly pass by as the boat floats along to the current. It's nighttime. The sky is filled with bright, beautiful stars. She gazes at them happily. It's too dark to make out the riverbank, but she can tell she's not far from it. She can make out the tree line in the shadows. In the distance, mountain peaks rise above the trees. All together, it is the most gorgeous sight she has ever seen. She turns to tell someone about it; to share the joy of the beauty around her.

She's alone in the boat. She frowns. She knew that. And yet…..she could have sworn someone was holding her hand. And…..someone was sitting next to her, leaning against her leg. Hadn't someone just been hugging her? She shakes the thoughts away. Obviously, she's alone. She looks back at the starry sky. The only thing that could make the scene better was if…..

Snowflakes fall from a clear sky. It makes no sense, but she doesn't mind that. She laughs, a big smile stretching across her face. The big snowflakes fall on her and on the water around her. The sight of the snow on the shadowy mountains, glittering in the moonlight, is breathtaking. And she's not cold. She's comfortably warm. How odd.

She looks down at her right hand. Someone is holding it. Firmly. But her hand is empty and she's alone in the boat. She wishes someone was there with her to share this moment. She almost feels like someone is there, sitting beside her and leaning against her leg. But she's alone. The wind picks up. It almost sounds like…..humming. It's beautiful. Soothing. Somehow, it fits the moment perfectly. The falling snowflakes dance along to the melody. Peace fills her.

She drifts along.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ten friends sit around a bonfire. They've finished talking. They are simply waiting for the inevitable but praying for a miracle.

"Is it…snowing?" Brittany asks, confused.

They all look up. The sky is clear. But somehow, yes, snow is falling. They look around, bewildered.

"Rachel loves falling snow." Mercedes reminds them.

They laugh through their tears, hands out and faces turned up to catch the falling flurries.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mom.

It is suddenly very obvious that the wind is her mother humming. She looks around, but doesn't see her. Her right hand is very warm. Safe. Loved. How can her hand feel safe and loved? She feels a tug from that hand. The boat stops. She sits up straighter and looks around in confusion. She still feels safe, but the peaceful feeling is starting to fade.

She suddenly understands. It's a knowledge that is felt more than it is thought. If she wants the peace to continue, she needs to let go of the hand holding hers. She needs to drift away from the voice humming soothingly. She needs to let the boat continue to drift along and take her onwards.

But does she truly want that?

She'll be at peace. No pain. No fear. At the thought of that relief the boat begins to drift once more. The humming fades to nothing. The feeling on her hand begins to diminish, making it feel colder. Terror shoots through her and she clenches onto the invisible hand holding hers. The boat halts its progress. The humming returns, but faintly now.

For peace, she has to let go of this love and trust that she'll find other warmth and love ahead. Someone who loves her deeply is waiting for her up ahead. She knows this with utmost certainty. She'll be loved. She'll be safe. She'll be warm. No pain. No fear.

Slowly, hesitantly, she releases her hold.

She drifts on.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel's chest does not rise.

Shelby pulls her daughter closer, tightening her embrace. In that moment, the beeping stops. A steady tone fills the room. The claw slowly begins to tear her open. A single sob escapes her lips. She holds in the rest. She read in that stupid book that it is believed that patients can continue to hear what's going on around them for up to ten minutes past dying. She doesn't want the final sounds Rachel hears to be her sobbing. Shelby's face is scrunched in agony. She uses all of her strength to resume humming. She ignores the sounds of crying around her.

All that matters is that her child continues to hear her humming to her as she passes.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She drifts.

The wind…..the humming…..is different now. Still faint, but it sounds different. It sounds….sad. No, not sad. Heartbroken. Crying, yet humming.

Her Mom is crying.

She doesn't want that. Not at all. But she also doesn't want to keep suffering. The boat stops once more. Starting to feel a little scared, she squeezes her right hand, searching for the phantom hand. The warm hand holding hers returns, but it too is faint. As though her hand is numb. She squeezes tighter. She shifts her leg, seeking the reassuring warmth of the presence beside her. The hand will always be there holding hers. Always. The warm presence will always be by her side. Always. The humming will always be there to comfort her. Always. She trusts that implicitly.

She looks around. While she knows she's closer to where she is headed than where she came from, she still can't see it. Looking behind her, she can just make out the river bank. Squinting through the falling snow, it almost looks like a bonfire has been lit on the riverbank. Shadows move around it, like dark figures dancing.

Going back will hurt. There will be pain and fear. She's not sure how she knows this, she just does. But…the hand will be there holding hers. The humming will comfort her. The fire will warm her. She can lean on the presence by her side. They are waiting for her. Thinking of that reminds her that someone waits up ahead. She looks forward. She can't see it even though she knows it's close. Very close. She just needs to drift a little closer. Someone is there. Someone who loves her. She stares into the shadows, uncertain but unafraid.

"I'll be back. One day." She promises them.

She doesn't hear an answer, but deep in her soul she feels the approval and the love. They will happily wait for her. This brings her a different sort of peace. She breathes in deeply and takes a final look at the gorgeous scenery around her. The hand holding hers tugs. She smiles. She picks up the oars she only just noticed sitting by her. They were there all along. It won't be easy. But she won't be doing it alone.

Rachel begins rowing, following the humming, the tug of the hand in hers, and the fire in the distance.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Finn's heart feels like shards of glass are imbedded in it. He squeezes Rachel's limp hand, hoping that somehow she feels him still by her side. She's gone. Dead. His mother wraps her arms around him from behind as he cries. He only notices Dr. Morgan when the woman steps next to him to lean over Rachel. He's not sure why she bothers, but she presses her stethoscope to Rachel's chest. Her eyes snap to Ms. Corcoran's.

"Shelby." Her tone is quiet, but sharp.

Ms. Corcoran's anguished expression turns to her. She fights the doctor when the other woman tries to pull Rachel away. Dr. Morgan stops.

"Just for a moment. I promise."

Hesitantly, Ms. Corcoran loosens her hold. Dr. Morgan rolls Rachel away from her mother just enough to be able to reach more of her chest with her stethoscope. Finn is able to continue holding her hand, so he does. He refuses to let go until he is forced to. Then the doctor picks up a lead from her heart monitor. It must have been knocked loose. She reattaches it. Within a second of doing so, the flatline on the monitor begins beeping once more. Everyone stares wide-eyed at it. The beeps are slow, slower than they should be, with long pauses in between. But they're still there. Her chest is moving, just….so lightly it is barely noticeable.

"She's still here." Dr. Morgan whispers. She gently rolls Rachel back into her mother's arms.

Finn's not sure how to feel. Elated that she's actually alive. Terrified that she could still die at any time. Apparently he's not the only one feeling like this.

"What does this mean?" Her grandfather asks gruffly, tears on his cheeks.

Dr. Morgan smiles grimly. "It means that Rachel is still fighting."

"She still might die?" Kurt asks.

"She might, yes. But," the woman points to the window, "it's sunrise. I'd say her odds of surviving just increased. They're still low, but higher than before."

Everyone looks between the orange glow appearing on the horizon through the window and the girl on the bed silently fighting for her life.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ten friends walk away from the dying fire. The snow stopped just before the sun rose. They sit on the small cliff and watch the orange glow of the sunrise reflect off of the white snow resting on treetops. Their hearts are heavy. They knew Rachel wouldn't survive to sunrise. She's gone. They cry, watching the first sunrise in a world that doesn't include their friend.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She drifts.

Her head is hurting. Her whole body aches, not that she understands why. She groans softly. Lips softly kiss her forehead and cheeks repeatedly. Hands gently caress her arms and legs. She focuses on the hand holding her right hand. It's still there. She grips it as hard as she's able.

The hand grips back, then lips press against her knuckles.

Rachel drifts.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Blaine looks down at the phone in his hand. Kurt is calling. Everyone huddles around. Not wanting to, but needing to, hear the words for themselves.

"Kurt?"

"She's still fighting. She's still alive."

They cheer, hug, and dance. They sing "We Are Young" at the top of their lungs. Then, being hungry and stressed out teenagers, they pile into their cars and head to a diner for breakfast.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Her heart stopped again. They're not sure if she had an attack or if it just gave out. They performed CPR. If she held on this long, there's a chance she could still survive. She just needs to hold on a little longer. Once they got her heart started again, Shelby sat beside the bed and held her daughter's hand. She kept up a constant stream of support.

"Just hold on, baby girl. You can do it. Just a little longer. Keep fighting. You've got this."

Now that hope has been restored, she refuses to give up, refuses to accept anything less than her child surviving.

"Hold on for me."

Xxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: The second song Kurt sings, with Rachel, is "Don't Say Goodbye" from Peter Pan.