Chapter 25: Her Anchor(s)

The ten friends sit around tables shoved together in the middle of the diner. They ordered food, but now they only pick at it. While they're relived Rachel is still alive, they're confused and worried. What does this mean? Their waitress, an older lady, watches them worriedly, taking in their youth and exhausted complexions.

"Are you kids okay?" They shrug. "Were you out late partying last night?" She tries. She wants to understand.

The kid share dark looks. "No."

She starts to walk away, but turns back, lips pursed. "Look, kids, I've seen many people and many expressions on customers at all hours here. You lot look like you've been through hell."

The kids don't notice that her comment is garnering them some attention. There are only a few other patrons in the small establishment, but now they're all looking over at them and listening.

"Our friend is in the hospital." Mike explains. "Clinging to life."

Tina picks up the tale. "The doctors said she wouldn't survive the night. So we spent the night together, just waiting." When her expression crumbles, Brittany takes over.

"But we got a call a little while ago saying she's still alive. Still fighting."

"That's good!" Carly says, adjusting her apron.

"Yeah, but we don't know what it means. They told us she'd be dead by morning. Now it's morning and she's still alive. Does that mean she'll die any minute? Does it mean she's getting better? "

"We just…..don't understand."

Carly is filled with sympathy. She can't even imagine what they're going through. "I'm sorry, kids. That explains your weary expressions. Would you like more coffee?"

"Yes, please."

She nods and leaves. She's just returning with a fresh pot when a phone rings at their table. Puck picks up his phone.

"Finn?" He turns it on speaker phone so the whole group can hear. They lean in close.

"Hey." He sounds rough.

"Dude, what's going on?"

"Rachel is still with us. She's still alive."

"Look, man, we're thrilled about that. Really. But you need to give us more to go on. Is she…..is she going to stay alive?"

"We don't know. Her heart stopped but they were able to get it started again with CPR. She's even breathing on her own. And she squeezed my hand. It was weak, but it was there. Since she's still holding on, they're going to start her next treatment and hope it helps."

"It hasn't helped yet." Santana mutters.

"It hasn't healed her, but it has kept her alive." Finn calmly rationalizes.

Finn being the voice of reason is odd.

"When can we come by and visit?" Brittany asks.

"I don't know. Don't come over just yet. Things are still…touch-and-go here. I'll call, alright?"

"Alright, dude. See you."

They hang up. The group of teens relaxes a little more.

"She's holding on." Quinn says, smiling.

They smile hesitantly back and nod. Now that their stomachs are unclenched, they realize how hungry they are and dive into their food with gusto. Carly smiles while she walks around filling their coffee mugs. The other patrons smile a little as well. Good news is good news, even if its not related to them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel opens her eyes. Her mom is stroking her cheek gently. The woman looks haggard. If there's a word meaning beyond exhausted, that's her mom right now. And how Rachel feels.

"Hi, baby girl." Despite her exhaustion, her mother's eyes are bright and her tone filled with relief and euphoria.

"Mom." It comes out a faint murmur.

Her mom hears it anyway. Fat tears roll down her face and over her big smile. Then she calms, becoming serious. "Can you keep holding on for me, honey? Please?"

"O-kay."

Her mom kisses her forehead firmly and releases a long breath. She's starting to drift off once more when she remembers the hand. It takes a lot of effort, but she manages to move her head just enough to see her right hand. A large hand is holding it. She knows that hand. Her eyes follow the hand up the arm and to a face, confirming her suspicions. Finn. She squeezes his hand.

"Finn."

He gives her an elated smile. He, too, looks haggard. "I'm here, Rach."

She wants to tell him she felt his hand. But exhaustion is already pulling her back under. She drifts. However, as she does, she keeps hold of Finn's hand. Her anchor. He won't let her drift too far away.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The group of friends lingered over breakfast, relief and exhaustion having them take their time eating. They're just finishing their breakfast when Santana's phone rings. She looks shocked and turns her phone to face them. The caller ID says Rachel Berry, with Rachel's face filling the screen.

"Answer it!" Mercedes snaps at her.

The Latina does, putting it on speaker. She speaks hesitantly. "Rachel?"

"Hi."

The table erupts in gasps, sobs, and laughs. Santana is grinning ear to ear, tears overflowing. "Oh my fucking God. Rachel. You're….you're…"

"Alive." This two syllable word, as opposed to the single syllable word before, reveals that she is still weak, still exhausted.

"Guys," They hear Finn's voice chime in, "she's not going to be able to stay awake much longer, so shut up and let her speak."

They instantly go silent, waiting.

"I….pro-mised….I'd….tell….you."

"Tell us what?" Everyone shushes Sam. He cringes apologetically.

"My….numbers…..went up." She already sounds breathless and hard to hear, but they don't care. She's talking to them. They never thought they'd hear her voice again.

"Up? As in…..the treatment is working?" They wait with baited breath.

"Yes."

"That's wonderful, but how? Why now?"

"I guess…I'm like….a…..phone…..Just had…..to tu-turn me…..off…..and….on…..again." They can hear the smile in her voice.

The laugh, slightly delirious from elation and shock.

"Yeah, after they restarted her heart they did a blood draw. They came back minutes later to announce that her numbers had gone up." Finn explains more.

The friends continue to laugh, talking over one another in their joy and relief. After a few moments, they realize the phone is still connected and quiet down.

"Rachel?"

There's no response, Their smiles fade. Finn comes back on. "She passed out. It's not surprising. She's alive and she's getting better. Her odds of surviving went up. But she's still weak and sick, so she needs to sleep."

They nod, realizing that her being alive now doesn't mean she's suddenly cured.

"When can we come visit?" Brittany pushes.

"Hi, kids." Ms. Corcoran comes on. They all call out their own greetings. "I want you all to go home."

"What?"

"Rachel is going to sleep. By the time her treatment is done, she's not going to be feeling well, you know this. She needs rest now more than ever. And you all have been up all night and put through an emotional wringer. I'm glad to hear you're eating. Go home. Sleep. You can come by tonight after you've slept a few hours. If you need help falling asleep, Dr. Morgan will prescribe you a sedative. Got it?"

"Yes, Ms. C."

They end the call and sit smiling at each other. Rachel is alive. She may survive after all. The waitress comes by. "I'm so happy for you kids."

"Thanks."

"God, this night has been an emotional roller coaster of epic proportions."

Her friends nod tiredly.

"You should go home and sleep." A man steps up to the table, standing by Artie. He smiles kindly at them. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You kids have been through a lot in the last few hours alone. I'd like to help you celebrate your friend surviving and pay your bill. You kids go on home and rest. You've earned it."

"Are you sure?" Quinn asks tentatively. "There are a lot of us, so it's bound to be a large bill."

He waves her concerns off with a smile. "No worries. Go home and rest. I've got this."

He picks up their check and hands a credit card to their waitress. They thank him and head out. They decide they're so exhausted they won't need a sedative. They assume they'll be asleep as soon as their heads hit their pillows.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Burt watches Shelby comfort Rachel through a mild attack. The girl has suffered too much. She had been relieved to know it'd end. Now she's still alive, still fighting, and still in pain. It's not fair. When the attack ends Rachel is gasping desperately, her face pinched. She is curled up as much as she can get, her hands clutching her mom's arms. Her head already hurt, so the attack must have made it worse. He hits the button on the IV pole, releasing more pain meds for her. She'd been in surprisingly good spirits upon waking after being so close to death. Then she'd fallen asleep, only to wake up in pain and not feeling well. That seemed to bring reality back to her, crushing her spirits.

The treatment has been underway for two hours. She still has another hour left and she's miserable. Nauseous, weak, exhausted, and in pain. She started crying an hour ago. They'd upped the pain meds, but the dose she'd need to be pain free is the amount they'd given her the night before when they thought she was dying. Last night she was dying, so they were not worried about side effects or the interference from her medications. Now they are. Now they're hesitant to give her a dose that high again. Dr. Reed enters the room, frowning at Rachel's obvious distress. He checks her vitals before sitting.

"The fact that she's alive is a miracle. The fact that the treatment started working at the last possible moment to save her is a miracle. She is a miracle."

"I sense a problem."

"We can't rely on miracles."

"Meaning?"

"For her numbers to keep going up, she needs to keep getting treatments. Three times a week. At the current dose. At the current rate, it'll take her about a month to get out of dangerous levels. Earlier this morning I had a phone call with a doctor in San Francisco. They've had success with a different combination of medicines. I'd like to try them with Rachel. I'll explain it all in detail, but what it all comes down to is extreme pain. No matter what, Rachel is going to suffer through the treatments and the side effects. And…..I'm not sure she's strong enough to handle it. But on the other hand, do we want to make her suffer a month more of this?"

Everyone looks at Rachel. She's still crying quietly, but her tears are easing. The drugs must be kicking in.

"And…..do we want to make her suffer through it when it still might not work? We could be right back to where we were last night in a months time."

"But that still gives her another month." Andy points out.

"True. But a month of this." He points to Rachel. Then he looks to Shelby. "You're her mother. It's your call."

Shelby's expression is both horrified and incredulous. "What…exactly…..are the options?"

"Option one: We keep the current drugs at the current dose. Her numbers are going up. At their current pace, she'll continue to feel like this for at least a month. Unless her numbers start increasing faster. And if they stop or drop, we'll be right back to last night."

Shelby pales.

"Option two: We try the different combination of drugs that the other doctor had success with. The upside is it should increase her numbers fairly quickly. A week or two instead of a month. The downside is not only will her symptoms be worse, but…it causes constant pain and nausea. The other patient did get better within two weeks, but he said it was the worst two weeks of his life. He was constantly nauseous, vomiting profusely. Whole body pain that never went away but the intensity changed in waves. We can't keep her on high doses of pain meds the entire time. So for at least some portion of the treatment, she'll have to just… grit her teeth and face it. My concern is that the other patient was not in as bad shape as Rachel when he began this treatment. If it doesn't work, or if the treatment itself is too much for her to handle, we wouldn't be back to last night. She'd die faster. Chances are, she'd be gone in minutes, not hours."

Shelby looks like she may vomit. Burt wouldn't blame her.

"Is there a….third option?"

He hesitates. He clearly doesn't want to give a third option. But then his expression moves from hesitation to compassion and he goes on. "Option three is…..we make her comfortable and let her go. No more suffering. She's getting better, but there's no guarantee she'll survive this. We're making her suffer for a slim possibility. We can stop and let her go, instead."

Shelby stares at him blankly. He gives her a sympathetic look. "I'll give you a few hours to decide. But we do need a decision today."

He leaves. Rachel has fallen asleep, tear tracks still evident on her face. Shelby breaks, sobbing in her father's arms. Burt takes hold of Rachel's hand. He's terrified. But he's also glad he doesn't have to make such an impossible choice. He can't imagine what's going through Shelby's mind right now.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"—by girl. Come on, now."

Rachel hears her mother, but can't move. She feels worse than ever before, and that's saying something. She's pretty sure she has every symptom at once. Fatigue, headache, nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath, and pain. And of course she is covered in bruises. All that's missing is the bleeding. Then she realizes she's tasting blood. From her gums. Well, shit, she stands corrected. All symptoms at once. Peachy.

"Rachel." She's being nudged. The small movement is too much for her and she whimpers. Her mom kisses her head softly. "I'm sorry, but I need you to wake up."

"Why?" A hoarse croak.

"Oh, god, honey. Your mouth."

A damp cloth is rubbed along her gums, removing some of the blood. She whimpers more, trying weakly to shove the hand away. She is unsuccessful.

"Hold on."

She doesn't want to hold on. She thought she was done with pain. Tears flow freely. She's too sick to care. Someone holds her hand. The cloth is removed.

"Open your eyes, Rachel." Her tone is soft, a gentle pleading. "Please."

She would, but she's so tired and the lights hurt her eyes. She tries to turn her head but even that's too much for her to manage right now. More tears and more pained whimpers. The tears are gently wiped away.

"C'mon, baby girl. Open your eyes for me, please."

She gets one eyelid to raise and immediately flinches. She hears a soft curse, then the lights above the bed and turned off.

"Try again."

Grumpily, grudgingly, she does. Her mom is eye to eye with her.

"I know you don't feel well." Understatement of the century. "But I need you to try to focus. Can you do that?"

"Try." She rasps.

"Okay, that's all I can ask of you. Just try." Her mom's thumb strokes her cheek. "Honey, we have more choices to make. And…..it's your life, so I want you to have an input."

Rachel hears sounds of dissent from further in the room. So not everyone agrees with her mother. She, however, appreciates having some say in her life.

"'Kay."

"Okay. There are three choices this time. The first is that we continue with the current treatment. Your numbers are going up, just slowly. You'll probably need another month or so of treatments."

"Month…..of this?"

Her mom's face falls sympathetically. "Yeah."

Rachel cringes. "Option two?"

"The second option is a new treatment. Sort of. They'd use medicine that they've already tried before, but in a new combination and dosage. A patient in San Francisco raised his numbers drastically in two weeks with this new blend of drugs." Her mom makes sure she has her full attention. "It'd be faster, but it'd be more painful."

Worse than this? For two weeks? She doesn't even want this level of pain to continue two more hours, let alone worse for two weeks! Rachel can't stop the sob that slips out, followed by the desperate cry of "No!"

Her mom's face falls further. Rachel watches her struggle to pull herself back together. The woman gently wipes her tears and shushes her. She rocks her gently and hums. Rachel hadn't realized she was shaking again. Shaking, crying, and struggling to get in air. Uncle Burt removes her nasal cannula and replaces it with a mask. The extra oxygen helps. The humming helps more. She wishes her boys were still here. After a few minutes she's calm, but still feeling miserable.

"Third?"

Her mom's face closes off, showing no emotion. "The third option is to let you go."

She'd pushed the words out in one emotionless rush of words. When Rachel doesn't immediately say no to this option, her mom's emotionless mask cracks. She hides it by pulling her close once more. Once her mom is calmer, she speaks again. She sounds more normal now.

"Those are the three options. This for a month. Worse for two weeks. Or death."

Rachel rests her head in the crook of her mom's neck and cries softly. Her mom goes back to humming and softly rubbing her back.

"What do you want, Rachel?" Uncle Burt asks softly.

Rachel cries harder. "I don't…..want….to be…..in pain! I'm….so….tired. Please."

Her mom holds her tighter. Painfully tight. Rachel continues to cry. Uncle Burt holds her hand. Her mom doesn't release her and doesn't look at her when she speaks again.

"Do you want us to let you go?"

Rachel thinks about it. No. But yes. Wasn't she close to peace and she chose to come back? That thought pulls up a weird vision of a rowboat and a hand. Yes. Finn's hand. She chose to come back. To leave now, hours later, would be…she's not sure what. She wishes she could just sleep through it. Have them wake her up when she's better.

"Rachel?" The two syllables shake and clatter together, revealing her mother's fear.

"I'm thinking." She mumbles. Her mom presses a kiss to her head. Rachel slumps further into her. Right. She'd come back for all of them, but mostly for her mom. Finn is her anchor. Kurt is her support. Her mom is her hope. She needs to think of her mom. "No…..I don't…..want to….die." Her mom breaths out a long breath. "But…..I'm tired…of hurting."

"I know you are, princess."

Rachel uses her free hand to twist her mom's shirt into her fist. "I don't…..think….I could…..last…even if I…wanted to."

"You could. You absolutely could. It'd be hard. It'd be painful. But you need to hold on just a little longer."

"M…..tired…and…..hurting." Her voice is getting weaker and more slurred as she struggles to stay awake.

"I know, baby girl."

"Can I…sleep…..through it?"

"Sleep through what? The treatment?" Her mom finally pulls back to look her in the eye once more.

Rachel gives a single nod. Her mom looks to Uncle Burt with a raised eyebrow. She begins drifting off to sleep while her uncle leaves the room. She's too tired to be curious.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Knock her out through treatments?" Dr. Reed asks. "I suppose we could. But she's going to be in pain outside of treatments as well."

Shelby sighs. "I'm hoping offering to knock her out for part of it will be enough to convince her."

"You could decide for her." Mark tells her.

Shelby glares at him hard. "Don't you think I want to do that?! I can't. If she doesn't want to live, then she will give up. She has to want to be here. Right now, she wants to live but she doesn't want to be in pain."

Marks' face drops, acknowledging her point and conceding defeat.

Dr. Reed taps his fingers on his leg. "There…may…..be another option. We could put her in a medically induced coma."

Shelby's mouth falls open. "For how long?"

"Three to five days. Then we'd wake her to check in on her. She'd have to stay awake another day or two. Then, if all went well, we could knock her out for another couple days."

Hope fills her. "In a medically induced coma, would she feel pain?"

"No."

Before she can feel too happy, she reads the look on his face. "What?"

"There are always drawbacks, Shelby. You should know that by now. Life doesn't often let things be that simple."

"What drawbacks?"

"There are two possibilities. One is that after she wakes, the jump from no pain to extreme pain could be too much for her. The shock could be brutal. Excruciating. The days she'd be awake would be….horrendous. The other possibility is that without her feeling or showing pain, we won't know when she's having an attack. There is a very slim chance that a severe attack could still stop her heart while she's in a coma..….and we may not be fast enough to resuscitate her if that happened."

Shelby collapses in her seat, head in her hands. These choices are impossible. Her mother rubs her back. After a minute she raises her head. "What would you do?"

His eyes move to Rachel, taking in her obvious discomfort even in sleep. "If she's willing, I'd do the two week treatment and put her in a medically induced coma. She will still suffer, but not for as long. Once the other drugs are out of her system, we'll be able to give her really strong medication to combat the pain."

Shelby presses her clasped hands against her mouth, thinking hard. "And if a severe attack stops her heart while she's in the coma?"

"It'd be quick and painless. Also, while it's a possibility, it's a very slim one."

She stares at her daughter for a while. Even asleep she's suffering. She doesn't deserve to suffer any more. "Okay. I'll make sure she's willing."

He nods and leaves to prepare for it.

"Shelby, are you sure about this?"

"Fuck no. But what other choice is there? Forcing her to suffer like this for another month? Where there's still a chance she'll die anyway? Letting her go so she doesn't suffer anymore, but we lose her? This way, she doesn't suffer for as long. And if she dies in the coma, it'll be painless."

She stands. She was going to get on the bed with Rachel but instead runs into the bathroom and vomits. Her sister rubs her back and hands her a wad of toilet paper.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The mother lays it out for her child. She explains every detail to the best of her knowledge. Rachel's eyes are wary. And tired. And pained. No, she can't make her suffer another month of this. That would be cruel. Rachel's lips press tightly together. She rests her head on her shoulder. Shelby waits patiently, giving her the time she needs to think it over.

"It'll hurt?"

"When you're awake, it'll be the worst pain you've ever felt." She's not going to sugar coat it.

"But when….I'm in…..the coma?"

"No pain. You'll just sleep. You won't feel a thing." She promises.

Rachel's eyes roam the room. Kurt and Finn, who had gone home to eat and sleep, are now back. She focuses on them.

"When….I'm awake…..you'll….be there?" She asks, eyes on Kurt.

"Of course, Rachel." Kurt promises immediately.

She looks directly at Finn. "You'll…hold my…hand?"

That was weirdly specific. Finn looks back at her solemnly. "I won't let go."

Rachel's eyes water and she sighs, looking back at her. "Will you…..hum?"

"Yes, honey. Of course."

She watches her daughter swallow hard repeatedly, her eyes jumping to each person in the room. Shelby wonders if Rachel can read the hope in their eyes. Rachel's lips press together tightly and her eyes drop. With a weary resignation that sets Shelby on edge, Rachel nods.

"Okay…..I'll do it."

Shelby hates that it wasn't an easy decision for her kid. She also hates that she is clearly only agreeing for their sakes, not her own. But she is so relieved to hear her agree to the harsher treatment. "I will do anything at all to help you feel better and makes this easier on you. Anything."

Despite the tears slipping down her gaunt cheeks, Rachel smiles slightly. "Anything?"

Shelby is willing to promise absolutely anything right now. A trip to Paris. A fancy car. Anything. She also knows that Rachel isn't serious. "Anything." She says firmly.

Rachel's smile grows teasing. "Well….I've always….wanted…a …..puppy."

Shelby laughs, hearing her amusement echoed from the others in the room. A puppy. "You're a funny girl. I don't think a puppy will make you feel better, Rachel."

She gives a half shrug, her smiling dimming. Shelby frowns. "What is it, honey?"

"I do….want….a puppy. But…..I was…mostly joking."

"I know. But I also know there's something you're not saying."

Rachel raises tired eyes to her. "It was….more…..about…having…..something…..good….and concrete….to look….forward….to."

Shelby blinks hard, the wind knocked out of her. Of course. She's going to go through hell, more so than ever before, and with no guarantee it'll be worth it. But the promise of something like a puppy, that can be guaranteed. How could she be so stupid and oblivious? Looking at the other adults, their expressions mirror hers. She looks back at her daughter.

"Something to look forward to." She says softly, brushing Rachel's hair back. "I've actually been thinking about Artie's idea." Rachel looks at her curiously. "To get a puppy for you as a pet. But one that can easily be trained. With any luck, your attacks will stop soon. But, if not, we can train the puppy ourselves to sense them and respond in some helpful way."

Rachel's eyes lighten. "Really?"

Shelby smiles. "Really. I have a short list of good dogs for our needs."

Rachel's resulting smile makes any possible stress this will bring worth it.

"So….."

"So, if you really do agree to go through with this treatment and continue to fight….I'll get you a puppy. All you have to do is keep holding on."

Her daughter is clearly losing the battle to stay awake. "Okay. I promise."

Shelby kisses her cheek, relief coursing through her. "Thank you, baby girl."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They make the preparations to put her in the medically induced coma the next morning. They'd do it sooner, but they need to make sure they had the necessary drugs for the new treatment prepared. Her friends stop by but don't stay. Rachel is asleep, anyway. They just needed to see her. Tina and Blaine didn't go. They both had stuffy noses and didn't want to risk passing anything to Rachel. When it's just her "core" family, as she thinks of them, they say "goodnight" rather than "goodbye".

"Can I…talk to them…..alone?" Rachel asks her mom.

Hesitantly, her mom agrees. She hasn't stepped away from Rachel since she held her as she almost died. The adults file out, leaving the three teens.

"What'd you want to tell us, Rach?" Finn asks.

She looks at them quietly for a minute. "I'm scared."

The boys climb onto the bed with her. "We're scared, too."

"I want….you to….know…if I die…in the coma….I'm….okay with…..that."

Finn's eyes are dark. "We kind of figured."

"I'm scared…..of the pain…..when I wake." Kurt wipes the tears dripping down her cheeks.

They nod. "It'll suck." Kurt intones.

The three of them laugh, but only for a moment. Rachel's hand flies to her chest and she groans. Laughing hurts. Finn grabs her hands and kisses her. Kurt slides her arms around her and hugs her. When she catches her breath, she begins again.

"You'll….be there?"

"We already said we will, Tink." Kurt promises, whispering in her ear.

She looks at Finn. "You'll…..hold my hand?"

Finn narrows his eyes. "I will. But I need you to tell me why that matters so much. Why specifically holding your hand? Can I hold you? All of you?"

She smiles slowly. "Yeah, you can." Her smile fades. "I was…..on a boat."

The boys tense. She's not sure why. "A rowboat?"

"Yes." How'd they know that? She brushes the question away. "The current…of the…..river was…..pulling me…..away." Rachel looks into Finn's eyes. "You were….holding my…..hand."

"I was there with you in the boat?"

"No," She says softly "but I…..could feel…..your hand…..holding mine."

Her boyfriend looks astonished. "Really?"

"The boat stopped….moving. Your hand….was….an anchor…..keeping me from…..drifting too far away. I knew…..to keep going…..I'd have to…..let go of…..your hand. But….when I did…..I didn't….like it. The boat moved. I reached…..for your hand….again. And…the boat….stopped again." Rachel raises a hand to his face. "You….anchored….me, Finn. I couldn't let go…..of you."

Finn's astounded expression remains. Tears start rolling down his cheeks. Rachel wipes them away. When he speaks, its with a depth of emotion she has never heard from him before. "I love you."

"I love you."

"And I'm a third wheel." Finn breaks his intense eye contact with Rachel to reach over her and smack Kurt on the head. Rachel giggles.

"A squeaky wheel."

"Shut up. Wait a minute. An anchored boat doesn't move. How'd you…..you know, get back?" Kurt asks.

Rachel turns so that she can see both of them. "The hand was….an anchor…..but also tugging me….back. Mom was humming." They nod. "Someone was…..by my side….at my feet." Kurt's eyes widen."On the…..riverbank…..but in the…..woods….there was a…..bonfire." The boys share a look. "So, I leaned on….the presence…..by my side…..followed…..the hand…..and the humming….and the fire…and rowed my way…..home. And since I….felt someone…..sitting by my side…..I knew I….wasn't traveling…alone."

The boys squeeze her between them and pepper her face with kisses. Finn kept repeating "thank you" and Kurt kept repeating "I love you". She grabs both their hands to stop them.

"So it'd….suck…to die now." They snort. "When I….fell asleep…..after…..I was scared…until Finn…held my hand….again."

"Why?" His voice is gruff.

"I knew…that hand…..wouldn't let me…..drift too far….away."

Finn presses his face into her hair. She's glad she was able to tell him that he was her anchor, keeping her from drifting too far away. She wishes she'd had the energy to tell them about how the humming was the love, comfort, and encouragement she'd needed to decide to come back. And that the presence by her side was the warm support she needed to do it. And that the bonfire was the beacon leading her home. She falls asleep held between the two boys….the two people…who are two of the four most important to her in her life. Because she's asleep, she doesn't see Kurt stop the recording on his phone when he picks it up.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby, Burt, and Carole listened to the recording Kurt played for them. He only played from the part about the rowboat and the hand. He knows Rachel wanted to talk to them privately, but after discussing it with Finn, the boys agreed that odds were Rachel was just embarrassed to say it in front of an audience. They don't think she would mind their parents knowing as long as she didn't have to say it directly to them. Besides, Kurt thought it'd be good for them to know a) that Rachel once again envisioned being on a boat when near death and b) just how much she and Finn love one another.

The three parents wiped their tears away. Shelby was heartened to know her humming reached Rachel as she….nearly passed on. And that it comforted her. All three were thrilled to have it confirmed how deeply the love between the two teens ran. Finn being the anchor that kept her in life…..because, ultimately, it sounds like it was him who stopped her from crossing over…is good to know. Shelby hugged Finn tight for a long time. Carole was happy but worried. Finn noticed. After Shelby released him he took his mom's hand.

"Don't worry, Mom. Rachel and I talked it over several times after she hit stage 4. We're in love. We want to get married one day. But she made me promise that if she dies, I'll mourn an appropriate length of time, then move on and find new love in the future."

Kurt snorts. "An appropriate length of time?"

The tall boy shrugs. "Her words." He sobers. "She also said that while I will be the title of her love song, she's okay with just being a single verse of mine."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the morning the boys return. They weren't going to, having already said "goodnight" to her. However, something occurred to Finn after getting home. He enlisted help from Kurt, Blaine, Santana, and, hesitantly, Quinn. Finn walks into his girlfriend's hospital room early that morning with a smile on his face. Rachel is actually awake and she smiles back. It makes his own smile brighten even further.

"So, I was thinking." He begins without any preamble.

"Good." She nods.

He glares at her playfully and she smiles beatifically back. Everyone else laughs at them. Finn sighs. "As I was saying, I was thinking about what you said yesterday. About wanting something good to look forward to."

"A puppy."

He gives a lopsided grin and she smirks at him. He's thrilled that she seems to be feeling a little better this morning. They must have already upped the pain and nausea meds. "Right, but that's just one thing."

He sets a black ring box on the bed beside her. She doesn't touch it, she just stares at it wide-eyed.

"After you turned 16, the legal age of consent, you turned me down when I suggested we elope. You insisted we wait until after you graduate college." Technically she had said after 'we' graduate college, but he wasn't sure he wanted to go, so he ignored it. Just like he's ignoring the shocked alarm on the face of every adult in the room, much to Kurt's amusement.

"Right." He'd laugh at the look she's giving him if he wasn't trying to blow his cover.

"Are you still determined to wait that long? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I could find a pastor or rabbi here in the hospital to marry us today." He jerks his thumb toward the door.

She's eyeing him, uncertain how serious he's being right now. "We'll wait, Finn."

He gives a dramatic sigh. "Fine." He grabs the black ring box and puts it in his coat pocket. He reaches into a different coat pocket and pulls out a pink ring box. Now she's looking at him like he has two heads and he is struggling to keep his face innocent. "So I had a different idea. One that goes along with your silly 'lets wait years and years to do something we both know is going to happen anyway' plan."

Her lips twitch. Good. He slides the box closer to her hand. He gives her another lopsided smile to put her more at ease. It works. She picks up the box and opens it. This time when her eyes widen, it's with joy. Her eyes light up. He smiles. Her eyes jump to his.

"Finn…."

"It's a promise ring. I promise to be here, holding your hand, when you wake up. I promise to be your anchor. I promise to carry you. I promise to make you laugh. I promise to support you however you need support. I promise to keep loving you. And, I promise that five to six years from now, I will propose marriage to you."

Her eyes are glittering with tears.

"If you accept this ring, then you promise to be my anchor, to hold on to my hand, to let me carry you. You promise to make me laugh and support me. You promise to keep loving me. And," He grins a mix of teasing and nervous "you promise to accept my marriage proposal when I get down on one knee in a couple years."

For a moment, she stares into his eyes silently. He's starting to get nervous. Was this too over the top? She likes over the top! She's a romantic drama queen! When she finally speaks it is soft but strong. "I promise, Finn. Always."

He releases a laugh of joy and pent up nerves. He slides the ring onto her right ring finger. Thank God Kurt knew her ring size. It's a little loose now, but only because she lost so much weight. The jeweler promised him that once she puts on weight, it'll fit perfectly. And that if it doesn't, they can go back and get it refitted. They both watch it glitter on her finger.

"It's…an anchor. In a heart."

He grins proudly. "Yeah. It was my idea, but I got some of our friends to help actually find it on such short notice."

They turn to look at Kurt, who is sniffling. "Yes. The girls and Blaine and I all cried at the romance of it."

"It's beautiful." She frowns slightly. "You didn't…..spend a lot…..did you?"

"No. It's not diamonds. It's cubic zirconia, the cheap yet durable and still very pretty and sparkly substitute."

She kisses him.

"How does that compare to a puppy?"

"Better than a puppy." She grins happily.

Xxxxxxxxx

A/N: Just in case you weren't aware, sometimes fanfiction dot net has issues with reviews not showing up right away. I still get the emails alerting me to a new review, and I can read the review in the email, but every once in a while the reviews don't show up on the website for a few days. It'll randomly correct itself, usually after about a week, and then the reviews will appear as they're supposed to. But just in case you've been positing reviews and not seeing them, or not seeing other reviews, just know that I still get them! And they will appear…..eventually. It's my only real annoyance with this website.