(Cut to int. of cave. Gambit lies unconscious on the Harley.

Storm uses her powers to make some rain to wake him.)

Storm: Oh, oh. By the Goddess! Gambit? Wake up. Gambit.

(Harley moves a bit, lifting Gambit up. He awakes slowly.)

Gambit: Oh, my head. (He looks at the entrance sealed in.)

Mon Dieu! We're trapped. Merde! (Angry, shaking his fists at the entrance) That two faced son-of-a-gator! (Calmer) Whoever he was, he's long gone with that lighter.

Storm: Aha!

(Storm pulls out the MAGIC LIGHTER.)

Gambit: Why, you little pickpocket! You have the makings of a thief! …Looks like such a

beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Oh well, it'll come in handy. I really need a cigarette…

(He flicks the Lighter. Suddenly smoke comes out of the hole, the

lighter begins to shake and glow, but Gambit holds onto the

Lighter, and our wonderful friend, WOLVERINE comes out. YAY!)

Wolverine (as a giant glowing genie): Aaaaahhhhh! ERRRAHH! Over a hundred and fifty years will give ya such a flamin' crick in the neck! (He hangs Gambit on a
nearby rock. Then he cracks his neck from side to side, groaning as he does so. Harley pulls a
Gambit down, as Wolverine makes a beer appear and downs it) Damn! Does it feel good to be
outta there! ( Wolverine uses the lighter end of himself as a microphone.) Good to be back, everyone. Hey, where yah from? (Sticks the mic in Gambit's face.) What's your name?
Gambit: Uh, Ga--uh--Gambit.
Wolverine: (Says his name as if he's discovered something
major) Gambit! (A neon sign lights up that looks oddly like a bar sign with
Gambit's name on it, circled by chase lights. The
sign changes to reflect the Wolverine's upcoming line.)
Hello, Gambit. Nice ta have yah on the show. Can
we call you 'Gumbo?' Or maybe just 'Cajun?' Or how
bout 'Swamp thing?' (Wolverine disappears, then the creature from the black lagoon appears.) Sounds like 'OH GOD! It's the Swamp thing!'
Gambit: (Shaking his head) I must have hit my head harder
than I thought.
Wolverine: (Still a swamp thing) Do yah smoke? Mind if I do? (Swamp thing
poofs into smoke, then back to the Wolverine who is smoking a cigar. Storm
hides under Gambit's trench coat.) Oh, sorry Cheetah--hope I
didn't singe the cape! Hey, Harley! Haven't seen
you in a few decades! Slap me some wheel! (Harley drives over and high fives Wolverine.
Wolverine looks at Gambit.) Say, you're a lot smaller
than my last master. (Lifts his beer-gut.) Either
that or I'm gettin' bigger. Look at me from the
side--do I look different to you?
Gambit: Wait a minute! I'm--your master?
Wolverine: (Slaps a beer in Gambit's hand and a
sombrero on his head.) That's right! Congratulations, genius! What would yah wish of me, (as Colossus) the ever impressive,(inside a cube as Scarlet Witch) the long contained, (as a ventriloquist with a Cyclops dummy) often imitated, (tosses the Cyclops dummy aside) but never duplicated--
(He multiplies into multiple Wolverines who surround him, and don't look at ALL like each other. Being from different stories, timelines, movies, cartoons, etc.)
DUP. Wolverines: Duplicated, duplicated, duplicated,
duplicated, duplicated, duplicated,
duplicated, duplicated, duplicated.
Wolverine: (Says it like a ring announcer at a cage match.)
Wolverine! Of! The Lighter! (Goes into Jubilee) Right here direct from the lighter, right
here for your enjoyment wish fulfillment.
Thank youuuuu!
Gambit: Whoa! Wish fulfillment?
Wolverine: Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the
wishing for more flamin' wishes. (Turns into a slot
machine, arm pulls down and three claws appear in
the windows.) That's it--three. (Three Wolverine
psycho fans come out of the slot.) Uno, dos, tres.
(Changes into Psylock.) No
substitutions, exchanges or refunds. (Then Lockheed
drops with the secret word "Refunds.")
Gambit: (To Storm) Now I know I'm dreaming.
Wolverine: (Music for "Friend Like Me" begins) Master, I don't
think yah realize what yah've got here! So
why don't you just ruminate, whilst I illuminate
the possibilities. (Wolverine lights up like a
fluorescent light)
Well that southern gang had them forty thieves
Professor Xavier had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeve
You got a brand of magic never fails!

(Wolverine produces 40 thieves who surround Gambit with guns.
Wolverine appears in his trench coat, then sticks his arms out and boxes
the thieves into submission.)

You got some power in your corner now
Some heavy adimantium as a fighter

You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how
See all you gotta do is flick that lighter
And I'll say

(Boxing ring appears, Gambit in the corner, being massaged
by Wolverine. Then Wolverine pops his claws and rubs them together. Then Wolverine appears inside lighter and grabs Gambit's
thumb and flicks the lighter with it.)

Mister Gambit sir
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take yer order, jot it down
You ain't never had a friend like me
No no no!

(Wolverine produces a table and chairs for a diner, then writes down things on a
note pad, like a waiter. )

Life is your restaurant
And I'm your maitre' d!
C'mon whisper what it is you want
You ain't never had a friend like me.

(Wolverine appears as a bowl of gumbo, then returns to normal,
but enlarges his ear to listen to Gambit. Finally, he explodes
into four duplicate Wolverines.)

Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service
You're the boss, the king, the shah!
Say what you wish, it's yours! True dish
How about a little more Baklava?

(The Wolverine's give him a shave, haircut and manicure, then Gambit appears in a comfy chair (eh?) surrounded by the treasure
and being fanned by southern belles. The Wolverine appears and fills the
screen with baklava.)

Try some of column 'A'
Try all of column 'B'
I've got a rub to help yah bub
You ain't never had a friend like me

(Gambit rises up on a column of food with a giant A on top,
then jumps to another column with a B on top. He falls off
and is caught by a cushion held by Wolverine. He opens his mouth,
and his tongue turns into a staircase. A miniature Wolverine
dressed like a samurai comes out.)

(The mini Wolverine does a little swordfight with Wolverine's two giant
hands. At the end, they surround the mini Wolverine and squish
him into nothing.)

Can your friends do this?
Do your friends do that?
Do your friends pull this out their little hat
Can your friends go poof!
Well looky here
Can your friends go Abracadabra, let 'er rip
And then make the sucker disappear?

(The Wolverine pulls off his head, duplicates it, then juggles them.
He tosses them to Gambit, who juggles with one hand and spins
one of the heads on his fingertip like a basketball. He tosses
the heads back onto the Wolverine, who proceeds to try and pull
himself out of a hat at his base. He spirals around and around
until he turns into a white queen. Emma transforms into
a Pyro. Then Pyro bursts fire, which turns into three Southern Harem Girls,
who dance around Gambit. Just as he begins to enjoy them,
they disappear.)

So don't you sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed
I'm here to answer all your midday prayers
You got me bona fide, certified
You got a genie for a charg? d'affairs!
I got a powerful urge to help you out
So what you wish I really want to know
You got a wish that's three miles long, no doubt
So all you gotta do is flick like so, and oh!
(Wolverine imitates what he is calling Gambit, then turns into a
certificate which rolls up and surrounds Gambit. Wolverine pulls
a list written in French out of Gambit's ear, which he uses
to rub his behind like drying off after a shower.)

Mister Gambit, sir, have a wish or two or three
I'm on the job, you big nabob
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never...had a... friend... like...me!
You ain't never had a friend like me!

(The dancing SOUTHERN HAREM GIRLS reappear, and Gambit leans in to kiss one.
She turns into Wolverine, who zaps four dancing flamingos into
existence. To the other direction, he zaps in four dancing alligators,
and a grand finale dancing number ensues. Storm grabs as much gold
as he can, but the Wolverine wraps everything up in a cyclone and
zaps it away until they're all back in the cave. Wolverine has a
neon "APPLAUSE OR ELSE" sign on his back. Storm turns her cape over and
sees that is empty.)

Wolverine: So what'll it be, Master?
Gambit: You're gonna grant me any three wishes I want?
Wolverine: (As Beast) Ah, almost. There are a
few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos
Gambit: Like?
Wolverine: Rule number one: I can't kill anybody. (He
slices his head off with a claw and Gambit looks at him skeptically.) I CAN'T...so don't
ask. Rule two: I can't make anyone fall in love
with anyone else. ( Rips a love note with the name Jean written on it, in half) You little punim, there. (Lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a
zombie.) Rule three: I can't bring people back from
the dead. It ain't a pretty picture, (He grabs
Gambit and shakes him) I don't like doin' it. (He
poofs back to normal.) Other than that, you got
it!
Gambit: (Looks at Storm as if plotting) Ah, provisos? You
mean limitations? On wishes? (To Storm) Some all
powerful genie--can't even bring people back from
the dead. I don't know, Stormy--he probably can't even
get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna
have to find a way out of here--
(They start to leave, but a big blue cowboy boot stomps down in front of
them.)
Wolverine: Where do you think you're goin'? Are you lookin' at
me? Did you flick my lighter? Did you wake me up, did
you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're
walkin' out on me? (Gets madder and madder, berserker rage setting in) I
don't think so, not right now. You're gettin' your
wishes, so siddown! (They all get on Harley.
Wolverine, drivers seat, takes the form of a steward, with lots of
arms pointing out the exits.) In case of
emergency, the exits are here, here, here,
here,here, here, here, here, here, here, here,
here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside
the carpet. Weeee'rrrrrreee...outta here!
(The Harley Davidson and passengers break out of the sand in the desert at frightening speed and off
into the distance. )