I own nothing.

To my pre-readers, Pamela Lorraine and Gabby1017, my beta, SunflowerFran, and my gatekeeper, Sunshine1220 - ladies, you're the best!

Let's see how Bella is coping ...

Cold and numb.

It was a bone-deep cold that had nothing to do with the dropping temperature outside and everything to do with what I had just lost. Over the last three years, I hadn't deceived myself into thinking Edward and I still had a chance and that someday we'd work it out. I knew we were done, but now I had the memory of him taking that final step out the door and away from any life we might have had together. He didn't say it, but I knew he couldn't forgive me, and since he wouldn't fight for me then, he certainly wouldn't fight through his own hurt and anger for me now.

So, I gave in to the cold and let the numbness settle in my bones. This is how I coped when I lost Mom, and it's what would get me through losing Edward. I sat for hours, just letting the time pass as I tried to recall every memory of him. The early years of riding bikes and building snowmen. The awkward years of changing bodies and hormones. The transition years when we became adults and made our own choices … and chose each other. The memories played like a movie in my mind's eye. A romantic comedy that ends tragically.

Sometime in the early morning hours, I made my way through the darkness to my bedroom, knowing sleep would be difficult but needing the comfort of being near the only piece of him I had left.

Our dollar was just where I left it, in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. It was the only item that occupied that drawer, and I hadn't touched it since placing it there the night I pushed him away. Every now and then, I would open the drawer and look, but I could never bring myself to pick it up. It was as if some part of Edward was still left on the surface and by handling it too much, I might erase all trace of him.

As if that were possible.

I picked it up, laying it in my hand with the bold words facing up just as Edward had placed it that night. Curling my fingers just over the edge, I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to find me.

Sunday came and went, and I left my bed only when human necessity demanded it. The dollar had been placed back in the drawer and shut away until some long away time when it might not be so painful to look at it.

Sometime around mid-morning on Monday, I decided I couldn't lie there and stare at the wall for another minute. I showered, dressed, and braided my hair, hoping that I could find a reason to keep moving forward, or at least stay out of bed for the next ten hours. There was still packing to be done, so I made a pot of coffee and set to work. I focused on the task at hand, refusing to get caught up in the memories or sentimental attachments to the items I was placing in boxes.

Wrap, fill, tape, repeat.

By the time I stopped for a break, I had stripped bare every room except my bedroom and bathroom, the kitchen and living room. The rest of the house was empty of personal items, reduced now to storage for furniture that would be sold. In some ways, I felt relief, not having to worry about dealing with the rest of it until January, but I no longer had any distractions.

As if that thought conjured a diversion, the doorbell rang.

I hurried to answer, wiping my hands on my jeans before pulling the door open to the smiling face of Esme Cullen. She was carrying what appeared to be grocery bags and a box sat at her feet. I stepped back, urging her to come inside out of the bitter cold, taking the packages from her as she brought in the box. We set everything on the counter, and once we were both free of encumbrances, she pulled me into a hug.

"Oh, I've missed seeing you, sweetheart. How are you?"

"I'm okay. Busy with packing. How are you?"

I took her coat and waited while she pulled off her scarf and gloves. I carried them into the living room and draped them over a chair as she began to unpack her bags.

"I've brought you some things, Bella, and I don't want to hear any fuss. I'm heartbroken that you won't come spend Christmas with us, so I've decided to bring it to you."

There were containers of food in varying sizes with instructions on reheating attached to the lids, Esme's secret cocoa mix with a bag of mini marshmallows, and tubes of icing in red, green, white and yellow.

"I've brought you enough food for the next few days, including all your favorites. You know how to make the cocoa, and I brought the milk for that as well." She turned her eyes to mine with a somber look. "I had a bottle of wine in here, but you have a lot weighing on you right now and I don't want you to drink alone." She frowned and shook her head minutely and I wondered if there was more to that statement.

"You didn't have to do all this, Esme. I'm doing okay on my own."

"Nonsense, it's Christmas." She stated this fact simply and firmly, leaving no room for further argument.

I set to work putting the food in the refrigerator and pulling out some mugs. "Coffee or cocoa?" I asked.

She answered by handing me the container of cocoa mix. I poured some milk into a pan, heating it slowly as I watched her unload her box onto the counter.

"I couldn't stand the thought of Christmas Adam without you. This will be the first year that some part of the Cullen and Swan families haven't been together."

I didn't want to state the obvious, that the old tradition was gone.

"So, I brought our activities to you this afternoon since I'll share the tradition with the rest of the family tonight." She turned to show me a tray filled with gingerbread men, already baked and ready for icing and decorations. She'd set up a little workstation on the island and I couldn't help but smile at her thoughtfulness.

"Did you happen to bring the pieces of the ones that didn't survive?"

Esme's jaw dropped and her hands went to her hips. "Really, Bella? You doubt me like that?" She grinned and tossed a bag of broken cookies onto the workspace.

With the sweet smell of cocoa, gingerbread and sugar swirling in the air around us, the tightness in my chest loosened just a little. We laughed at memories of years past when Carlisle had tried to bend the arms of the gingerbread men while they were warm so they looked like they were holding candy canes, only to break as they cooled. He then used the icing to give them 'stitches' or 'slings.' Or the year that Alice and I had tried to make a platter from peppermint candies melted in the oven. We hadn't thought to use a baking sheet with edges, so we ended up with peppermint goo hardened on the bottom of the oven. It took us hours to get it clean.

I couldn't help but notice that we avoided two subjects … the farm and Edward.

Until we didn't.

"Have you decided what's next for you?" Her question didn't surprise me. I knew she was concerned and wanted to offer her support just as she always had. The problem was, I didn't know if she'd spoken to Edward about the other night.

It didn't matter. I'd been telling myself that for almost forty-eight hours now. It didn't matter because nothing had changed between us except that we both had some finality.

"I'm not sure. Em and Rose won't let me pay rent for the garage apartment, so I think I'll be okay with substitute teaching for the spring semester. I thought I'd actually put my degree to use and find a real teaching position for the fall. Maybe something in Florida near Charlie."

She looked up then, her hand lowering the icing bag as she watched me closely. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "You know, you're the second person who has asked me that this week. Of course, it isn't what I want, but I don't really have any choice."

Esme shook her head. "I'm not talking about the farm. Do you want to move that far away?"

I dropped my gaze back to the partially finished cookie in front of me. I took a moment to really consider what I wanted before answering her. I squeezed icing onto mini chocolate chips and pressed them into place to create buttons before laying the icing on my tray. Reaching for another color, I focused on the piping as I bared my soul to my second mother.

"I don't think I can stay, Esme. To see someone else here and not be a part of this place that my family has loved for generations would be hard enough, but with Edward moving back …" I sucked in a breath, hoping to keep myself together. "He needs a chance to move on."

"Don't you deserve the same chance?"

"It's different for me," I answered, shocked as the sadness of my thoughts settled over me. "I don't have anyone here now, and Edward's been away from his family long enough."

"We've always considered you a part of our family, Bella. I hope you know that."

I nodded, grasping her hand in my own and squeezing gently. "I do, and thank you for the reminder."

We worked in silence then, moving the iced cookies to racks so they could dry while wiping down the countertop. After a few minutes, Esme grabbed a towel and dried her hands, sighing as she tossed it aside.

"I know this is none of my business, and I'll keep quiet after today, but I can't sit by and say nothing."

I could feel my stomach begin to churn, knowing what was coming next.

"I don't know what happened between the two of you a couple of days ago, but I've never seen Edward like that before. I think there are things unresolved, and you both need to face those demons before they suck the life out of you."

I swallowed hard, pushing back the memory of that confrontation and my almost catatonic state yesterday. It wouldn't do either of us any good for her to know about it, but I could give her hope.

"We did face them, and Edward knows why I made the choices I did, even if he doesn't agree with them. I think, in time, he'll be back to his old self and it will be easier once I'm gone." Offering her a smile that even I knew was pathetic, I let her know I was done. "Who knows, maybe your future daughter-in-law will be the one to move in here and heal all the damage I've done to him. I just want him to be happy."

The rest of the day was quiet.

And lonely.

True to her word, Esme hadn't said anything else about it and had gone home shortly after we'd finished with the cookies, needing to get things ready for their evening. Emmett and Rose had been invited to the Cullen's since they would be spending the holiday with their own families, so I was settled in for an evening alone.

I'd brought a good amount of wood to the side of the house, knowing the snow was due to start sometime overnight and last until the early hours of Christmas morning. I wanted to be sure I had enough to keep the house warm. I heated up some of Esme's soup and homemade bread for dinner and then settled on the couch with another cup of cocoa, a warm blanket, and a new book while Christmas music played softly through my soundbar.

It was almost perfect.

And quiet.

And lonely.

I woke sometime around three in the morning, still stretched out on the couch, and with a stiff neck. A quick check of the locks and I was off to bed with the sound of sleet hitting the windows accompanying my dreams.

Christmas Eve was unsurprisingly uneventful and with no packing or farm maintenance to be done, I spent the day in my pajamas watching holiday movies. Occasionally, I would make more popcorn and check on the weather. Using the front steps as a gauge, I estimated about six to eight inches of snowfall by mid-afternoon, and that was in addition to the ice that had fallen overnight. It was a safe bet I wouldn't be going anywhere for the next couple of days.

It was also a guarantee that no one would be coming here.

That was the pervading thought; the troubling knowledge in the back of my mind, that no one would be coming here for Christmas. Not this year or any year to come. I would spend my last holidays in this house all alone.

I'd been honest with Esme. I had been considering moving to Florida to be closer to Charlie. He was, after all, the only family I had left. But we weren't close. We hadn't been since he left us years ago, and I didn't think closer proximity was likely to change that fact. He had seen some success with his fishing charters, even adding another boat this year, and the winter holidays proved to be his most profitable. It was easy to assume that even in Florida, I would spend my time alone.

The weight of that was staggering.

I'd lost everyone close to me, either to illness or my own stubbornness and stupidity.

I could hear the wind blowing and the light tap on the glass when bits of sleet would hit the windows. The sun had set, and the room grew dark as I contemplated just how far my life had strayed off course … and for the first time since my mother's death, I let the tears fall.

I can't thank you all enough for your kind words over the last few weeks. Please forgive me for not answering reviews or responding to messages - most days are still a struggle. I am finding 'light' at times and each day is a little easier.