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A million thanks to my pre-readers, Pamela Lorraine and Gabby1017, my beta, SunflowerFran, and my gatekeeper, Sunshine1220! I have the BEST team of ladies and they make my words so much better!

Well ... Edward has some things to say, and Sunshine1220 thinks you are going to LOVE it!

EPOV

"You're looking better this evening."

Mom was stirring something in a bowl and had something else going in the stand mixer. There were baking trays lined with paper of some kind, plastic wrap, and rolling pins on the granite surface of the island. Clearly, she was in full cookie mode.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, added cream and sugar and sat across from her to both watch her create and answer the questions I knew were coming. To her credit, she let me have a few minutes to infuse some caffeine into my foggy brain before launching her inquisition. I watched as she added a few more ingredients to her bowl, mixed it until she was satisfied, and then set it aside. Pulling out a sheet of plastic wrap, she emptied her bowl onto it, wrapping and shaping it into a ball. She placed it in the refrigerator before wiping down the countertop and pouring herself a cup of coffee and refilling mine.

Facing me, she leaned back against the counter and crossed one ankle over the other, eyeing me as she took her first sip. Sighing, I swirled my cup, watching as the steam rose with the motion. "Where would you like to begin, Mom?"

"Well, for starters, I'd like to know what happened the other night that caused you to drink yourself into oblivion."

"I went to see Bella. It didn't go well." I knew she wouldn't let me get away with such a vague answer, but I wasn't sure how much I was ready to reveal yet, to her or anyone else.

Mom didn't tolerate much foolishness, and her frustrated huff let me know that she wasn't in the mood to deal with my evasiveness either. "I gathered that much when I saw her this afternoon, Edward."

She had my full attention now.

"You saw her today? How was she?"

Her brow shot up and she pushed off the counter to come stand directly across from me, setting her cup down and lowering her voice in a way that I knew meant business.

"Are you asking because you're concerned for her, or because you want to gloat?"

"How could you think that? I don't even know… I can't…" Words failed me as I registered two possibilities from her question. One, that Bella was so upset there would be a need for concern, and two, that she thought I might revel in her misery.

Her hand covered mine to gain my attention. I hadn't realized I'd become agitated … or maybe I had been for days.

"Sweetheart, I don't think you're that callous, I'm just trying to understand what's happening." She leaned back and continued, "Bella said you talked and that it's over between the two of you."

"It was over three years ago, Mom."

"If that's true, then why did you try to consume your body weight in alcohol after you went to see her?"

I was too ashamed to even look her in the eye. It hadn't been my proudest moment, and I was beyond relieved that I had no memory of what happened that night. According to Alice, our parents had come home to find me passed out drunk on the bedroom floor, surrounded by empty bottles. Mom had wanted to take me to the hospital, worried about alcohol poisoning, but Dad assured her I would live. He sat up with me all night to be sure but showed no sympathy and offered nothing medicinal to help relieve the illness come morning. He made some wise-ass comment about the consequences of my actions and left me kneeling beside the toilet.

"I'm sorry you saw that. It won't happen again."

"Edward, look at me. Please." When I met her eyes, I found compassion laced with worry. "Do you still love her?"

I realized in that moment that I would have to tell her the truth. I'd demanded it from Bella, and now it was time for my reckoning.

"I asked her to marry me."

Mom's eyes grew so wide, she'd have given cartoons a run for their money.

"Carlisle!"

Of course, Dad came running at the sound of her shriek, his head whipping back and forth between the two of us.

So, I told them.

All of it. The proposal and her rejection, the lies, the struggle that the last three years had been, and finally, about our confrontation a couple of nights ago that left me angry, hurt, confused and … longing.

When I finished, Dad's expression was one of sadness as he placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. Mom was wiping her eyes with a dishtowel as she answered her own question from before.

"You still love her." Knowing she was right, she required no answer. "What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. Even after all this time, I'm so angry and hurt, and the only thing I can think about is how she took away any choice I had in the relationship. Then when I'm with her, I can see is how life has taken so much, and I can understand why she did what she did. But understanding doesn't mean I can forgive, does it?"

Dad nodded, measuring his words. "You're the only one who can decide that, Edward. But until you do, don't toy with her. Leave her be until you want to live with the past rather than live without her. Anything else would be cruel."

Their words echoed in my ears as Dad and I helped Mom get everything ready for the evening. She had planned to do gingerbread houses but when Dad complained that the perfectly good cookies went to waste because no one wanted to eat them until they were hard enough to break a tooth, she decided gingerbread people would be the activity of the night. She'd prepared enough dough and icing, the soup was ready, and everyone began arriving as Dad took the homemade bread out of the oven.

It wasn't until we were all sitting around the table that I found the courage to ask about the one person who hadn't arrived.

"Did Bella make other plans for dinner? Is she coming later?"

There was silence for a moment and then Jasper spoke up. "She's not coming tonight. I think she was trying to finish up the packing since the weather's gonna be bad the next few days."

"She isn't coming because of me?" I asked, already knowing that was the reason. She'd been here with my family every Christmas since I'd been gone, so the correlation was obvious. I watched as each person in the room did their best to look anywhere but my direction. Eventually, Rose and Alice started talking about which holiday movie to watch later and the mood in the room shifted to a lighter atmosphere.

It was surreal, being back with my family and friends but without the one person who had always been a constant in my life, and a part of every holiday gathering. My thoughts lingered on Bella while we made gingerbread people, laughed through a Christmas movie, and drank hot chocolate.

The early morning hours of Christmas Eve found me staring out the windows, watching the snow fall. Bella always loved the snow and I wondered if she was excited to wake up to a solid blanket of it on the ground. As the day wore on, I grew more anxious as I worried about her. Did she have enough firewood if the power went out? Enough food stocked up to get her through a few days if necessary?

Was she really entirely alone for Christmas?

The day was everything I had been missing for the last few years. Surrounded by people I loved, we laughed, teased, reminisced, ate, and created memories we would carry with us always.

But it was hollow because I was missing that one piece of me that would make the day complete.

No, she would make everything complete.

Unconsciously, my hand went to my chest to cover the ache that resided there. It was tolerable sometimes, but today it was unbearable, and I suddenly felt as though I couldn't catch my breath. I leaned forward in my seat on the couch as I felt someone step in front of me. Dad's voice called my name as his hand came into view, a set of keys in his upturned palm.

"Take the Range Rover; I put the chains on the tires last night just in case."

It didn't surprise me at all that he had the foresight to know what I would decide.

"Why didn't you just give me the keys last night, then?"

Dad smirked, shaking his head. "You needed to sort it out on your own, son, without our influence. Take whatever time you need tonight to settle things between you, then bring our girl home."

I didn't waste a minute, though the half-mile drive seemed to take forever on the ice and snow. The sun had set long ago and there was only the faintest hint of light left in the sky, illuminating the snow as it fell. The house was stunning and had there been a wreath on the door, it might have been the perfect photo for a greeting card.

But there was no wreath, and if I remembered correctly from my prior visit, there were no signs of the holidays anywhere inside. Most of the house was dark but there was a faint light, probably from a lamp, in one of the downstairs windows. The path from the drive to the house would need to be shoveled and the porch steps swept as well.

And I needed to man-up and get out of the vehicle.

Hesitating outside her door wasn't an option as the temperature continued to drop and now hovered somewhere between arctic and frostbite. I knocked firmly and took a step back from the door to give her a little space, allowing her the choice of shutting the door in my face if she wished. There was only the whistling of the wind for a few seconds and then I heard the lock clicking as it turned.

As the door swung open, it occurred to me that I had been so consumed with seeing her and with thoughts of her being alone that I hadn't even considered what I would say to her once I arrived. What reason could I give her for showing up unannounced at her door on Christmas Eve?

But that thought was fleeting. Bella stood in the doorway, clad in a red thermal shirt and plaid pajama pants, her red-rimmed, swollen eyes growing wide as they met mine. It felt like hours passed as we stood, just staring at one another, the cold night air turning our breath into white swirls between us, until a strong gust of icy wind sent a shiver down her spine and she stepped aside, pulling the door open for me to enter.

I followed her into the house, kicking my shoes off at the door and shedding my coat as we walked into the living room. Neither of us spoke as Bella turned on a lamp, setting a soft glow in the room. It was obvious she'd been crying, but the realization that she'd been weeping alone in the dark as I'd been enjoying the comfort of my family was devastating. I took a step toward her, watching as she brought her hands up to wipe at her cheeks. Her hands trembled as she turned toward me then, wrapping her arms around her body and lifting her eyes no farther than my chest.

I wanted to touch her … to hold her … so much that my arms ached with the need for it. She looked so small, so lost, and no matter what had happened between us three years ago or three days ago, I couldn't bear to see her hurting. I had no idea how to start this conversation. Did she want to move forward with me? I'd been hurt by her choices, but she was right, I had chosen to just let her go without a fight, so maybe it was too late for us. But even if it was, I didn't want her to be alone for the holiday, so maybe we could start with that.

I took a few steps, bringing myself closer to her and watching as her shoulders hunched and tightened. Sucking in a quick breath, Bella lifted her head, her expression wary as she looked everywhere but at me. Neither of us had spoken a word yet and as the tension grew, I knew she was confused about my sudden appearance. Hell, I was confused about it, but I couldn't get past my dad's words.

" … you want to live with the past rather than live without her."

I was here because I didn't want to live without her, regardless of mistakes we'd both made in the past. Not knowing whether she might be ready to hear that, I pressed my fingers under her chin, raising her eyes to meet mine.

"Merry Christmas, Bella."

Her face crumpled milliseconds before she covered it with her hands, and she began to weep. I couldn't pull her close fast enough, wrapping one arm tightly around her waist while the other hand threaded into her hair, holding her head against my chest as she fell apart.

I hated that she was hurting.

I hated that she felt so alone.

I hated that I'd played a large part in her pain.

But I loved the feel of her in my arms and for the first time in three years, I felt whole.