I do not own Voltron or anything even remotely associated with it. Heaven knows if I did, I would still have the toys. Warning, this is VERY long...it sort of ran away with me and please do NOT read it if you think of Keith as a saint, it will only make you unhappy. That said, enjoy.
Keith stared at the letter. Why he expected it to change, he couldn't fathom, and yet he kept staring at it. The number of times he had read its contents had slipped from his mind days ago. Ordinarily he would have memorized it by now, but for some reason, each time he read it, he found himself in the same state of disbelief. Ten years had passed. Ten years that sometimes seemed like the blink of an eye and a lifetime at others. Ten years and the pain was still fresh. He'd thought he'd buried it in his work. He'd only been fooling himself, however, and that was the trouble. If it had been possible to refuse, he would have, but he could see no way to do so. Their need was great, just as it had been the first time he had been called to planet Arus, and he couldn't fail to answer their call for help just because he was afraid to go back there. He shouldn't be and he knew it. Knowing that only made it worse that his fear refused to go away. Vainly the former captain of the Voltron Force tried to laugh at his own foolishness. After all the combat situations he had been in that he should be afraid of such a simple thing was nothing short of ridiculous. He had never really been afraid while in combat, however. Even when the odds were stacked so far against them he couldn't see a way out, he hadn't been afraid. Exhilerated. He had been exhilerated and calm to a point of calculation. Death then had not seemed something to fear. If it came, it came and he would accept the consequences. Sometimes he believed himself fortunate that it had not and others...he had become even more of a brooding man than he had been fifteen years ago when he first set foot on Arus...it was not a change he welcomed. There was one time, however, that he had been afraid for himself and his team. The last time he had worn his uniform, other than to train. The last time Lotor had breathed. Mockingly the image of the former Prince of Doom rose up before his eyes, as vivid as if the man stood before him yet again. He could still see the mingled expression of wonderment and anger on Lotor's blue skinned face as he stared down at the sword protruding from his chest, a sword held in place by the gloved hand of Voltron's captain. For a moment Lotor's yellow-slitted eyes had narrowed in familiar hatred and then he had shocked both the captain and his team by grasping Keith's hand, simultaneously drawing the blade and its wielder close enough to him so they were the only two who heard his whisper,
"You may have won, Captain, but you have also lost." Keith's eyes had widened but any retort he could have shaped died on his lips as Lotor's gaze deliberately flickered to Allura where she stood, shielded by Lance and Hunk against the cavern wall. Something akin to a smile found its way to Lotor's lips and he released his hold on Keith so abruptly, the Voltron captain stumbled and nearly fell. By the time he regained his equilibrium, Lotor had fallen to the ground, his eyes closing for the last time. Only Keith had heard his whispered declaration of love for the blonde haired woman who looked at the fallen prince with a strange mixture of revulsion and pity. Lotor's death was still unsatisfying. There had been nights where he had thought of nothing but the death of the alien prince and times where he had come so close to achieving it, he had been secretly bitter for weeks that it hadn't occurred. And yet when it had, he had felt strangely empty, as if he had accomplished nothing.. Even now, he couldn't shake himself of the strangeness of it. Lotor had died and the threat to Arus and the galaxy died along with him. After a few minor outbreaks, Voltron and Galaxy Garrison managed to achieve the peace they still lived under and yet he felt not one whit of satisfaction at what he had done. More than anything, Keith wished it hadn't been him.. If Lance or any of the others had been the one, he would have hated them, certainly, for doing what he had perceived as his right, but only for a time. It had been his task and he had performed it and yet he hated that he had. Whether or not he could have acted differently was not a question he asked himself. Given the chance, he would do it again–there had been no choice in the matter and yet he regretted it. And that, alone, was the reason Lotor continued to haunt him.
Incoming message. Incoming message.
Accompanied by a flashing red light, the words echoed in the stillness of his quarters and Keith automatically waved a hand across the device before placing the letter in its accustomed place in his breast pocket. After a brief hesitation, the hologram shimmered into view before him, its vertical lines scrolling once along an invisible screen as the all too familiar features of Lance came into view. Even after five years, Keith still couldn't adjust himself to the sight of Lance in a uniform, though he doubted it got much use now Lance was away from the prying eyes of GG. There was something about the navy blue uniform, so dark it was nearly black, that just didn't fit Lance. Or perhaps it was just the rainbow of medals pinned on the right that threw him off. Having endured the protocol of the Academy for as long as he could, Lance had applied for and gotten a surprising promotion as a field officer and now spent his time shuttling from planet to planet protecting GG's best interests and serving as the most unlikely ambassador one ever could have imagined. Like Keith, he remained single though there were rumors that his days of having a girl at every planet were finally coming to an end. Unlike Keith, the years had been kind to his features. Though most of the youth was gone from his face, heightened by the perpetual stubble he kept, the same daredevil gleam of ten years ago remained in his eyes and his hair, brown without any sign of gray, was as unkempt as ever. After assessing his friend's appearance for a moment, Lance broke into a wry grin and said,
"Zarkon, Keith, is that you? You look terrible!" Automatically Keith frowned at Lance's use of Zarkon's name as a profanity. Not long after the death of Lotor, both names of the rulers of Planet Doom had been adopted as popular curses and though the members of the Voltron Force understood better than anyone how close to a curse those names had been, they usually didn't use them as such. Lance, predictably, did it only because he knew it would annoy Keith.
"Haven't you learned to wear a uniform yet? You still look out of place."
"I haven't worn this in three years, what do you expect?" In spite of himself, Keith smiled back and Lance's grin only deepened.
"Are you going?" Seriousness descended suddenly upon Keith's former right hand man and he avoided the intensity of Lance's gaze as he replied,
"I don't think I have much choice."
"No one would think any less of you if you didn't go, Keith. It can't be easy for you."
"Is it going to be easy for any of us?"
"That's not what I'm talking about."
"And what are you talking about, Lance?"
The gazes of the two friends met and locked, each daring the other to be the one to break down.
In the end, it was Lance who looked away first, though any triumph Keith felt at being the victor yet again was short-lived. Running a hand through his already unkempt hair, Lance sighed and said,
"Fine. You're going to have to face up to it, someday, Captain. And when you do, you're going to want your friends around, if you have any left."
"I have faced it, Lance."
"Sure you have."
Their gazes threatened to lock for a second time but Keith stared fixedly at his desk, furiously ignoring Lance, for all that he knew his friend's intentions were good. A second time Lance sighed and moved briefly out of the view of the hologram. When his image came back into view, his trademark carefree grin was fixed on his face once more but something similar to anger continued to glimmer in his eyes.
"Don't go."
"What?"
Keith had to grasp the ends of the desk to keep from falling out of his chair.
"I'm trying to be frank, Keith, when I say I don't think you should go back there. Even if you have an itch to fly the Lion again, you shouldn't go. No one will doubt GG's being unwilling to let their star captain embark on a life-threatening mission. Everyone knows how important you are to the galaxy."
"Is that from one of your speeches?" Keith queried, one eyebrow arching on his forehead. Something like sheepishness flickered across Lance's expression for an instant before he shook his head and continued,
"GG propaganda strikes again. I'm serious. Don't go."
"I'm touched by your concern, Lance, but I'll be fine."
"That's just the bravado talking."
"No, it's not. I think I might need to go back there," Keith said hesitantly, fiddling with his fingers and throwing Lance a sidelong glance. A noise vaguely resembling a gasp escaped from the ambassador for Galaxy Garrison and his expression became somewhat stupefied as the careworn features of the man his friend had become suddenly disappeared behind the face of the man he had known ten years ago. "If I don't go back," Keith continued, his voice growing stronger as he spoke, "I'm only proving myself to be the coward I feel I am. I've avoided Arus long enough. You've certainly been there enough times."
"Twice and that was only because Allura begged me. Nanny was ready to say good-bye from the moment I landed. You're sure?"
"I'm sure." The careworn man returned to overpower Keith's features and a flicker of dismay crossed Lance's face at the disappearance of the man Keith should have been. More than anything Lance wanted to believe his friend when he said he was fine, but he knew Keith too well to believe that going back to Arus was nothing short of terrifying for him. This wasn't Keith's first invitation as assuredly as it wasn't his own. Perhaps Keith was right. Perhaps it was time that he stopped avoiding Arus and its inhabitants. Still, Lance couldn't help but think Keith would be worse off afterwards, and he was worried enough about him as it was.
"What do you figure is going on?" He asked instead, burying all his worries for the moment. A spark of life returned to Keith's eyes as he slipped back into battle mode. Lance wondered if he realized how much he missed a life of action.
"I can't figure it, that's the trouble. An abduction of anyone trained to fly the Lions would have made sense five years ago, but now? What could anyone possibly hope to gain? And why haven't any of us been targeted?"
"They can't find me, for one thing, and if you think anyone's going to get past GG, you don't understand the power of your own employer."
"But Pidge is doing research on the most remote planet in our system. He could be missing for years before anyone noticed and Hunk's just as easy, living a life of leisure."
"The big guy's fine, just like the pipsqueak. Have you thought that perhaps this is all just a plot to lure us out?"
"That's what I'm afraid of. Sven's staying put?"
"Can't get away. Kingly duties and all that. Current consensus is that Romelle won't let him."
"The joys of marriage."
"May we never know them." Simultaneously the two men patted themselves on the shoulder, the ritual one they had conceived during their Academy days, long before either of them had set foot on Arus. A true grin passed between them before Lance was distracted by something off-screen and turned away for a moment. Gradually Keith's grin faded and he found himself engrossed with his desktop yet again. Lance knew him far too well, damn him. Flickering back into view, Lance saluted mockingly and said in a falsely official tone,
"I have been ordered to inform you that all holographic communications must be ended."
"Yes, Sir. When should I expect the transport carrying GG's most valued ambassador?"
"There would be no one happier if I got myself lost. An hour, two at most. That's another thing. Why have all of us come on the same transport?"
"Ambassador!"
"All right already. Gotta go, Keith" Raising a hand in farewell, Lance started gesticulating madly to someone outside of view before the hologram disappeared.
Transmission ended. No signal. Transmission ended. No signal.
Waving his hand over the device to silence it, Keith rose from his chair and stretched more out of habit than from any stiffness in his limbs. Instinctively his eyes swept his surroundings as the thought crossed his mind that it might be awhile before he saw it again. Only a faint twinge of regret coursed through him at the idea of bidding farewell to the quarters that had been his home for the past five years. He had grown accustomed to them, certainly, and while he thought of them as his own, he knew there was nothing within the set of rooms that was distinctively his own. Another man could occupy it for a day and leave more of a mark than he had in five years. Privately he knew that chambers of the same size as his generally were not given out to instructors until they had been in the service of the Academy for at least twenty years, and sometimes not even then. Had he been asked, Keith would have refused such a privilege, but even he was not so foolish as to have it unnecessarily taken away. His quarters consisted of five separate rooms: a living room adjoining the kitchen, bathroom, study, and bedroom. His study, quite arguably the smallest among them, was still larger than the average room given to two cadets to share and it was not without occasional twinges of guilt that Keith overheard his students complaining about a lack of space. Like all GG rooms, his was stark in decoration, having glistening black floors and only slightly lighter walls.. In his living room was a window, a rarity even among suites of this size, but Keith did not often look out at the stars. The nearest planet to GG's orbit was barely distinguishable among them but he could find it without fail whenever he chose to look. His blinds were almost always drawn, however. Space was just a reminder of what lay outside the orbiting space station and his days as a space explorer had ended. His quarters were not without touches of himself, however. He was the owner of seven bookcases that were filled nearly to the brim. What time he didn't spend teaching or in the field, Keith spent reading–fiction, non-fiction, anything to take his mind to a different place. He had a plant which he absent-mindedly watered and somehow managed to keep alive, he still wasn't sure how. Perhaps the most distinctive touch was the orderliness of his quarters; everything was in immaculate condition and never varied. If there was one thing Keith would never be, it was a slob. The room was as official as his position, and just as lifeless. But he did have pictures. There was one of him, Lance, and Sven on the day they graduated from the Academy, the three of them flashing identical cocky grins. Another depicted the five of them shortly before they set out for Arus, the casual looks of indifference almost painful to see in light of what the five space explorers would soon face. These and one more were displayed in the living room, the last being one of the original members of the Voltron Force in their uniforms standing in front of the palace. In his study he had some more of himself with either Lance or Sven and some amusing takes of Pidge and Hunk during lighter days at the palace. Two and only two hung in his bedroom but they were the two of most interest to even a casual observer. The first was one that he had nearly killed Pidge for taking and had confiscated from the young man only after threatening to never let him fly the Green Lion again. Pidge, at one time, had done more than play at photography and had tormented the members of his team and the palace residents for nearly two months by trying to capture them "naturally" on film. After one of their training sessions with the Lions, Keith had thought he had been alone and the enterprising Pidge had caught him standing in front of his lion with an expression of tender respect on his face, revealing in that instant the rapport the Voltron captain felt with his ship and exposing something Keith had never wanted anyone to know about. The second did not hang on the wall but was kept on a table, face-down more often than not. Only occasionally did Keith look at it and even then it was when the temptation became too strong for him to resist. It had been meant as a farewell picture and had been taken on the last day they were all together on Arus but looking at it only caused him pain. By this time Pidge had procured a camera with a timer and they had all assembled in the dining room, Coran and Nanny included but in the background, for one last snapshot. Somehow Keith had happened to stand by Allura and while everyone, including himself, had flashed the camera a grin, the Princess of Arus was looking at him. Pidge hadn't given the others copies of the snapshot either–it was the second shot that the others received where everyone was indeed looking where they were supposed to and Keith could still see the serious expression on the then seventeen year old's face as if he stood before him. For a long time they were the only two people he knew of who had ever seen it...until Sam had been quicker than he and managed to flip it over before he could stop her. Sam.
Sam was, perhaps, the one thing at GG he felt the most guilt over leaving. His plant would either live or die without him, his students would soon adjust to their substitute commander and sigh wistfully over his absence, but Sam...Sam would miss him perhaps only a little more than his plant would, realistically. It was only his own conceit that made him think his absence would mean anything to her. Technically Keith was a single man; he had never had the heart for a serious relationship, though heaven knew there had been scores of female instructors at GG that had thrown themselves at him over the years. Students, too, which was more than embarrassing despite its initial flattery. During his first five years with GG his seeming obliviousness to women had earned him the nickname, "the Monk" among other things and would have remained so if not for Sam. Samantha Brink was her full name and a scant three years ago she had first arrived at GG to instruct the cadets on the finer points of battle and life in general. Battle philosophy was what she called it and though parts of it seemed rather far-fetched to Keith and others who had suffered under her tirades, she believed in it whole-heartedly. He hadn't noticed her at first, nor did she notice him other than the customary introduction. Their paths seldom crossed, her students were from varied years and most did not also take Keith's classes. Refreshingly she seemed almost to have never heard of Voltron or if she had, cared very little that its famed commander walked the halls of the same space station as she. It wasn't until a year had passed and her classes were gaining popularity that she tumbled on the benefits of guest speakers and of Keith especially. Sam could be either charmingly or maddeningly stubborn and it was the latter that caused her to pursue Keith relentlessly for the first half of the school term, insisting that he speak to her classes about his experiences in battle. It only made things worse that both Lance and Hunk agreed to it–Pidge, naturally, couldn't be torn away from his research for something so mundane and even Sven seemed partial to coming, leaving Keith with no leg to stand on. He held out admirably but eventually caved and agreed to make one speech and only one about his experiences. Unfortunately, word leaked out and his speech to 60 students became half of the student population of GG. The speech he had ended up giving was not the one he intended and not something he cared to remember either(there were a lot of things he didn't like remembering, so it seemed)and afterwards Sam had been the first to apologize to him. Once done, the speech seemed harmless, even if it did start a flock of new rumors circulating about the already enigmatic Keith and he hadn't the heart to be angry at her. Somehow then, their paths began to cross and he found himself talking to her as he hadn't talked to anyone in years. Most people he encountered tried to understand him and failed; Sam understood him without even trying.
It should have stopped there. He had intended it to but all his intentions had been laid to waste when he broke down one night unexpectedly and she consoled him. Consoled him in ways beyond the casual friendship they had established. But he didn't love her. Nor did he suffer from the illusion that she was in love with him. Theirs was a relationship of convenience, something which sometimes shamed him but it was never enough to make him break things off altogether. He knew the extent of their relationship was common knowledge among his peers and even the students sometimes had knowing expressions in their eyes when they were seen together, but he ignored them. Everyone had talked when he had no female relations, it made no difference that they were talking now that he had one. Still, there was a certain baseness to it that he couldn't shake himself of. He hadn't even told Lance of her existence, though he suspected his friend knew that her name was mentioned far too often for it to be coincidence. Though Lance was certainly not one to talk(his love em and leave em philosophy was legendary), Keith didn't want to even think of what lecture might come out of his mouth if knew of his casual relations with Sam. Once he would have slapped Keith on the back for such a thing. Once. Lance knew no more than Sam did about his so-called broken heart, however. He only had the benefit of being an eye-witness to some things, things that Sam easily could have guessed, and probably had even before she laid eyes on the accursed photograph. After she had seen it, however, he made certain it was never out in plain sight again when she was in his quarters. He could tell her about some things, but about that he could never speak of to another living soul. No, Sam would be better off without him as well. Perhaps she might even find someone who wasn't just a convenience in his absence. The thought upset him more than a little but not as much as it should.
Taking up his suitcase, Keith pulled out his keycard and took one last look at his chambers before sauntering out the door. The afore mentioned picture was included with his meager belongings. Why he wasn't certain. Perhaps so no one would find it, or perhaps because he was simply accustomed to having it with him, in any case it was there, buried among all his clothes. As a joke, he had included one of the red suits he had always worn in Arus, more than a little pleased by the fact that it still fit him. In ten years, his features may have aged more than they should have, but he hadn't let himself go. GG did not require the physical training he put himself through but Keith was too used to a life of action to happily settle down to a less rigorous life. Locking his door behind him, Keith gripped his suitcase even harder and began making his way through the maze of corridors towards the transport area. His quarters were on the highest level of the space station and the docking bay, predictably, on one of the lowest. If he walked, it would take him the better part of an hour to reach it and since he had no desire to pace nervously in the docking bay, he avoided the beckoning lights of the elevators he passed. He should have known better.
It was somewhere along the 23rd floor that she appeared. He was no where near her classrooms or his own–he had thought she was teaching today–and yet she was there, just as he had half-expected her to be. Perhaps she was still planning on teaching something today; she was wearing her GG uniform, just as he was. Stopping, he forced himself to smile as she started somewhat nervously and approached him. No one would have described Sam as pretty, at least not in the traditional sense. Her dark brown hair was short, just barely touching her shoulders, and her eyes were a murky hazel. Her brows were, perhaps, too serious and her nose was small and somewhat pert. It was her mouth that threw off her face, despite high cheekbones and a clear complexion. There was no doubt that it was too wide, a fact emphasized when she smiled, which sadly, wasn't often because of it. Still, her figure was nothing to sneer at(as Keith well knew)but he knew the female co-workers he had never deigned to look at often discussed why he had chosen Sam over them. She looked decidedly nervous at the moment, twisting her fingers together and scarcely daring to meet his gaze for more than an instant. The smile he had forced became more genuine and he opened his mouth to speak first, but she beat him to it, saying,
"I know you said you weren't good at good-byes, but I had to...are you sure you want to go?"
"I don't want to...but I have to."
"You could always refuse." Hope glimmered briefly in her eyes and he shook his head sadly.
"This isn't a pleasure trip. They need me. In ten years they haven't asked anything from me. Not even to appear for their celebrations when the others have been invited countless times. They wouldn't have asked if they didn't really need me."
"Always duty with you, isn't it?"
"You should know that by now." Anger replaced the hope in her eyes and she tossed her head almost sulkily as she looked up at him. Smiling gently, Keith reached out and briefly touched her shoulder before resuming his doomed course towards the docking bay. After a moment's hesitation, Sam turned and followed him, her gaze frighteningly direct as she fell into step alongside him(maddeningly she was nearly as tall as he was)and said,
"Have you given any thought to it at all?"
"Thought to what?"
"Thought to what you're going to say once you're there."
"I didn't think it required much thought."
"Keith."
The tone of her voice caused him to stop and it was he who avoided her gaze as she stared up at him in a mixture of anger and pity. Her voice was dangerously low when she spoke again.
"You haven't thought about what to say when you're faced with her husband and her child."
"No."
His voice sounded strangled even to his own ears and he started walking yet again. Behind him Sam let out a muted noise of frustration before rejoining him and continuing in the strangely low voice he never wanted to hear again,
"Will you stop pretending that this doesn't matter to you? Do you think I don't know that it's killing you to go back to what you've been running away from for ten years?"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I?"
"No, you don't." Ordinarily the look he threw her would have stopped her, but the looming separation between them had made Sam bold.
"I know you loved her and I'm willing to bet that she loved you too. She probably still does...just like you do. But neither of you fought for each other and you've spent ten years trying to forget what you never can forget. Do you really think you'll be able to look her husband in the eye and not want to..."
"Sam, please..."
"I'm not letting you go back there under the pretense of duty. Admit that you're going because
you want to see her."
"Does it really matter why I'm going?"
"Yes. You're not going to try and rekindle some old flame, are you?"
The question made him stop and Sam actually took several more steps before she realized he had fallen back, Cautiously retreating to where he stood, she looked him over carefully. An expression that was a mixture of bewilderment and pain was upon his face and his eyes were distant, staring off into something that only he could see. Abruptly Keith gave himself a shake and met her gaze once more as he answered,
"No. I'm going to bury it." Her brows arched so high upon her forehead he thought they would become lost in her hair and her lips parted slightly as she stared at him in an almost comical representation of disbelief.
"You think you can do that?"
"I have to try. No one knows better than I do that she's married, Sam. I'm not going because I think...I'm going to find out if it's worth it...or if it's not."
"So you're going to continue pining after her so long as she's still pining after you?"
"She won't be pining after me. She'll be deliriously happy. That's what I need to see."
"And if she isn't deliriously happy?"
"She will be."
"Do you want her to be?"
He couldn't answer her and after another moment, Sam heaved a huge sigh and shook her head
as she looked up at him.
"I should do everything in my power to keep you from boarding that transport but I can't. I hope
you find whatever it is you're looking for...and it isn't what you just told me. Are you going to tell her about me?"
Startled, he looked at her again and found the faintest trace of a blush on her cheeks. For the first time in minutes he felt a smile on his lips and he shrugged.
"I don't know. Do you want her to know?"
"Yes...and no. If it will hurt her, then don't tell her, but if you think she'll understand...then tell her all about me. At least mention me in any case."
"The only reason I even resemble a human being anymore is because of you, Sam. Don't ever forget that."
"I know." Her voice was barely a whisper now, her gaze hidden underneath her lashes.
"I don't think you'll ever know how grateful I am for it..."
"You said all this last night, Keith." Fleetingly her gaze met his and Keith smiled.
"Yes, but you need to hear it again. You've done more for me in the past year than anyone has in a long while. I can't ever thank you enough or repay you for it."
"Yes, you can," she said suddenly, raising her chin. For a moment Keith thought he caught a glimmer of tears in her eyes and then it vanished as she continued, "Find out what it is you really want and that will repay me. Stay and fight this time or let it go once and for all, but don't come back until you know for certain. That is the only form of payment I will accept."
"And if it means I don't come back?"
"Then you don't come back. I never had more than a shadow of you anyway."
"It was more than a shadow."
"It was?"
The tears were there this time and an all-too familiar spasm of pain flickered through him at the sight of them. All too well he remembered the last time he had looked upon a tearful feminine face in a situation eerily similar only the dialogue had been far, far different. Faintly he smiled at Sam and kissed her, really kissed her for the first and only time in their relationship. When he pulled away, he smiled one last time and strode down the hallway without any further words. This time she didn't follow him. Shaken, Keith took the first elevator he saw down to the docking bay, certain that a half hour of pacing would do him good. Somehow he rather suspected this would be the last time he would ever feel any semblance of peace. .