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Life is crazy right now ... sorry for the late posting of this one!
Huge thanks, as always to my team: prereaders Pamela Lorraine and Gabby1017, my beta, SunflowerFran, and my gatekeeper, Sunshine1220. These ladies are the BEST!
*Life has been hectic for the past 6 or 7 weeks. You have all been incredibly kind and encouraging through it all. As you can imagine, writing has been a much lower priority during that time, and when I did have time, it was hard for words to come. In addition, my business has exploded in the last 2 weeks (which I'm THRILLED about), and my son graduates high school today (YAY!) so we have family staying with us for the week. Unfortunately, all of this combined means I will not be posting next week so I can enjoy family and my son's accomplishments, as well as get a little farther ahead in chapters so I can continue to post regularly. I know you guys will understand. I'll see you with chapter 10 on July 9th.
Wow! You guys loved Edward's straightforward declaration! He's laying it all out there, for sure. Hopefully, our girl can open herself up to the possibility of happiness again...
"I love you, Isabella Swan, and I want you. I want to build a life with you."
Edward's eyes searched mine as I tried to form words. His declaration left me speechless as my mind replayed those words over and over.
Words I was desperate for but never believed I had a hope of hearing from him again.
As the silence stretched on, his face fell and his hands slipped slowly from my cheeks as he leaned back, putting some distance between us. The loss of contact was enough to jar me from my stupor and I reached out, quickly catching his hands in my own.
"I want that!" I practically shouted. "I–I want that, too. With you." I swallowed hard, declaring myself to him. "I love you. I've always loved you."
For just a moment, I allowed myself to wonder at the look of peace and pure love on his face, wishing there was a way forward for us. But reality quickly intruded and I remembered the sad state of my life.
"But this isn't what you want, Edward," I was barely able to get the words out. "I'm a mess. My whole life is a mess, I'm practically penniless and I'll be homeless in a couple of weeks. You don't need the weight of my issues dragging you down. You'll come to resent me, and it will never work."
Edward released my hands, closing his eyes and exhaling sharply. He scrubbed his hands over his face and into his hair before meeting my gaze once again, this time with narrowed eyes and a tight jaw.
"You're right, this won't work." My heart raced and I could feel the sting of tears, but I willed them away, determined to keep my emotions in check. "This will never work until you stop making decisions for me. You're trying to think for me, telling me what I want or need. I've been a grown man with a mind of my own for a long time now, Bella. I don't want or need you trying to dictate my own damn life for me yet again!"
He was moving then, shifting toward the fireplace, his jaw clenched as he pulled another log from the stack and tossed it into the flame. The pop and hiss of the fire was the only sound as he sat on his knees, his back to me, rigid and silent for several minutes. Finally, with a deep sigh, his shoulders slumped, and he lifted the poker, prodding the fire a bit as he spoke again.
"We have to be equals. We were always together in this, Bella. We communicated with one another, sharing the bad and the good. I don't know how to be clearer about what I want, so don't project onto me what you think I should feel. You don't have to guess or think; I'm telling you plainly, I love you and I'm still yours."
"I don't … I don't know how to be with someone anymore," I whispered. The truth of those words was heavy for me and I was certain if he were facing me, I'd never have the courage to be so vulnerable. "It's just been me for so long. Even before Mom died, I made all the decisions. And then the farm, where everything was my responsibility, my choices. I don't know how to depend on anyone else. I don't know how to do what you're asking."
Silence surrounded us once again, and I fought to focus on the gentle sounds of the fire or the slight whistle of the wind outside rather than the slow, measured breaths of the man in front of me. Surely, he was realizing it was too much work–I was too much work. We weren't kids anymore and we'd both lived just enough heartache to know that life rarely had a fairy-tale ending.
After a couple of minutes, Edward's head dropped, and he sighed deeply. "I shouldn't have left you, and you shouldn't have pushed me away. There's nothing we can do about either of those mistakes or the scars that we'll always carry from them."
I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, holding myself together as I waited for his next words. Hearing the movement in the quiet room, Edward turned his head to glance back at me. He immediately shifted and scooted closer, his hands covering my clenched fists as his eyes held mine.
"Bella, the only thing I'm asking is that you try. That we both try to forgive one another and put the past behind us." He tugged gently on my arms, pulling them away from my legs and entwining our fingers as he held our arms open. "You don't have to keep everyone out and try to hold yourself together all on your own."
Keeping our hands entwined, he closed the distance between us and then released my hands to wrap his arms around me. One hand splayed across my back while the other found the back of my neck, his fingers weaving into my hair as he brought me against his fire-warmed chest.
"Isn't this better?" he murmured against my forehead. "We'll hold each other together. I'm still yours."
"You've said that before," I whispered, apparently as unwilling as he was to disturb the peace with sound.
He leaned away just enough to catch my gaze with his own. "I'll keep saying it until you believe it. There's a lot we have to work through but that won't change."
"Okay."
Surrounded by the warmth of his arms on Christmas morning was a dream I never would have hoped for after the last three years. I felt my body relax into Edward's, letting go of the weight of pain, loss and my broken heart, if only for the time he was willing to hold me.
"There you are, my Bella. God, how I've missed you." His lips pressed warm kisses against my hair.
In that moment, I understood exactly what he meant the night before when he said neither of us had been whole since we'd been apart.
***GaT***
My hands shook as I tossed an extra pair of socks in my bag and pulled the zipper. I honestly didn't know how much of the shaking was because of the cold and how much was the speed at which my life was changing.
Edward was warming up the Land Rover for the short trip back to the Cullen's home. Apparently, we'd spent enough time in our "little bubble" and they wanted him home. I couldn't blame them–it was Christmas, after all. Edward was insistent that I go too, claiming Carlisle had given him specific instructions to bring me back with him.
I was afraid it would be awkward.
I knew it was ridiculous to think they wouldn't want me there, but it had been a long time since Edward and I had been there together …
Were we together?
There was still so much to figure out. What if one or both of us had changed too much for 'us' to work anymore? Would Edward really be okay with my financial situation? I hadn't even told him I was considering moving to Florida to look for a teaching job.
Was I still considering moving to Florida?
"Less overthinking. More packing."
I looked up at the sound of his voice to find Edward leaning against the doorframe. He wasn't wearing his coat or snow boots, but his hair had a few snowflakes sprinkled throughout.
"I wasn't–"
"Liar. You were staring at the wall while your hands were on the verge of shredding that bag." He pulled the bag from my hands and slid the strap over his shoulder. "Everything's gonna be fine. Let's go."
Grasping my hand, Edward pulled me from the room and downstairs toward the door. Picking up my coat, he held it open for me, settling it snugly on my shoulders before pulling his own gloves out of his pocket. I glanced around the room, making sure nothing needed tending before we left for the night. The soft glow of dying embers in the fireplace caught my attention and my mind drifted to Christmases past. Their memories lived in every corner of the room, recollections of joy, frozen in time until my mind awakened them
The short drive to the Cullen home wasn't as treacherous as I'd feared. The road was mostly flat and straight, despite the mountain location, and because there was almost no traffic on Christmas day, the fresh snow provided decent traction. Edward was relaxed as he drove but kept both hands securely on the wheel, knowing that the slightest slip of the tires on the winter roads could be disastrous. Neither of us spoke until Edward had parked the vehicle and turned off the engine.
"Bella?"
"Hmm?" I turned to find him watching me closely.
"We'll figure everything out. Just promise me something?"
I nodded and waited for his request. Pressing his fingers gently against my chin, he lifted my eyes to his.
"Don't make any decisions about us until you talk to me. No running and no hiding. I promise the same to you."
"Okay."
"Okay." He smiled, stroking my cheek once with his thumb before releasing me and climbing out of the Rover. By the time I closed my door, Edward had pulled my bag from the back seat and was holding out his hand which I gladly took. The flagstone steps had been swept and were clear of visible ice and snow, but I held tightly to his gloved hand anyway.
He held mine just as securely.
The Cullen's had generators to heat the first floor of their home in the event of power loss, so the house was warm and smelled of cinnamon and sugar. As we shed our coats and Edward hung them in the entry closet, there was an explosion of laughter from the family room. Edward grinned and wrapped his arm around my waist, guiding me into the room while slinging the strap of my bag over his shoulder.
"What's this? You started the party without us?"
Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Alice were all seated on the floor in their pajamas, the furniture pushed back to give them enough room, with a deck of cards in the middle of their makeshift circle. At the sound of Edward's voice, Esme pushed herself up from the rug and pulled me into her arms.
"Thank goodness you're here, Bella. These reprobates are all cheating at Bullshit. I need reinforcements to keep them in line."
"Everyone cheats at Bullshit, Mom. That's kinda how you play the game," Edward laughed as he pulled her in for a hug.
"Yeah, I'm thinking it's too harsh a game for someone who still says 'thank goodness' too." Jasper added, grinning as he shuffled the cards.
Esme didn't miss a beat.
"Kiss my ass, Jasper."
The room erupted in laughter again as Esme grinned and turned to me. "Go change into your pajamas in my room. You can drop your bag in there too, if you want. Jasper and Alice have the other downstairs bedroom, so you and Edward can each take a couch. Between the generators and the fireplace, we'll all be warm."
Edward handed me my bag and I changed quickly, pulling a pair of fuzzy socks over my regular ones, knowing my toes would be cold even if I'd worn a third pair. When I returned to the family room, Edward was seated beside Jasper and left enough space between himself and Carlisle for me. His eyes stayed on me as I crossed the room and he handed me a cup of something warm. The strong cinnamon and clove fragrance seemed to work wonders and I couldn't help but relax into him a little. His arm wrapped around my shoulder, squeezing gently before letting his hand drop to my hip and rest there.
The room was silent, and a quick glance confirmed that yes, everyone was watching us. Carlisle and Esme glanced away as I shifted to put a few more inches between myself and Edward. Jasper just began to deal the cards with a smirk while Alice's eyebrows tried to climb into her hairline. I heard Edward sigh beside me but didn't have the courage to look at him.
Fortunately, the rest of the evening was full of laughter, and any discomfort I feared never materialized. We played cards, consumed ridiculous amounts of sweets, cocoa and hot cider, and laughed as we regaled Jasper with stories of Christmases past. Sometime around twilight, Esme asked Edward to play his guitar.
I hadn't forgotten how gifted he was with that instrument. The way his fingers swept across the strings accompanied by his soft baritone voice was pure magic. The last time I'd heard him play was also the last Christmas I'd had with Mom.
I wondered if she could hear him now.
Esme grasped my hand, discretely slipping a tissue into my palm. I quickly wiped my eyes, but Edward was observant. His fingers slowed as he met my gaze with a frown but I gave him a small smile and a quick nod to let him know I was okay. He kept playing, but his eyes stayed on me for a few minutes before he closed them and began to sing again.
It was a sweet moment, tinged with sadness. Except for Mom, we were all here together again just like that last Christmas before I'd chosen to tear us apart. Glancing at Esme beside me, I realized I wasn't the only one struggling with my emotions. She swiped the tissue under her eyes, never taking her focus off her son, her pride evident.
It wasn't until that moment that I realized what my choices had cost her. I'd lost Christmases with Mom but I'd been invited into her home each year and loved as a daughter. Esme had lost those same years with her son. He hadn't been here because of me.