I own nothing.

I know it has been too long, and hopefully, if you are reading this that means you haven't completely given up on me. I've lost a lot over the last couple of years, including my muse and confidence in my writing. I'm finding my way back, slowly but surely and I appreciate the support, kindness and patience that you have shown to me. I am writing a lot lately and hope to have the rest of this one written by the end of the year because there is much more on the horizon ...

A huge thanks to DrivingEdward and to Sunshine1220 for pre-reading and cleaning this one up.

Needing a moment to process my thoughts, I lifted my mug to indicate a refill was needed then stood and made my way into the kitchen. The electric kettle was still on, so I distractedly poured a cup of cider and wrapped my hands around it for warmth. I could hear the ending of the carol Edward was playing and then the soft laughter as he launched into a jazzy version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

I smiled as I remembered it was the first song I'd ever heard him play.

"No! Don't open that one first!" I snatched the box from Edward's hand and held it against my chest. He was stunned at first and then grinned widely at me as I felt the heat spread across my skin.

"Why are you blushing like that, Bella? Is it something dirty?" He leaned in close and lowered his voice, "Did you get me a box of rubbers for Christmas?"

"You wish." The words had barely left my mouth when Esme's hand connected with the back of Edward's head.

"Ow!"

"Just because you're in high school doesn't mean I'll let you bring locker room banter into this house."

Edward glared at me. "You could have warned me she was there."

"And miss that?" I shook my head, "Not a chance."

"I believe this one should be opened next," Carlisle announced as he pulled a large, rectangular gift from behind the couch and handed it to Edward. The ribbons and wrapping paper were gone in seconds, revealing a black case with silver latches on the side. Edward's eyes were huge as he glanced between his parents.

"Is this…?"

Their smiles were the only answer as Edward popped the latches and opened the case to reveal a beautiful wood-grain guitar. He'd been saving every dime he had for months, hoping to purchase one of his own after learning the basics from Tyler Crowley. I knew this one was much nicer than the economy edition he'd had his eye on, and much more expensive than his budget would afford since he was also hoping to buy a car when he turned 16 next summer.

"Dad … Mom, this is … " Edward's mouth kept opening and closing, the loss of words unusual for him. Lifting it from the case, he finally looked up, his eyes glassy. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Sweetheart." Esme's eyes were sparkling as she ruffled his hair before sitting on the couch just behind the spot where Edward was sitting cross legged on the floor, the guitar settled into position, and thrumming softly under his long fingers. "Maybe next Christmas you can play a song for us."

"You mean like this?" Edward grinned as he started playing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. At the look of startled faces in the room, he laughed. "Tyler taught me to play it on his guitar a couple of weeks ago." His cheeks and the tips of his ears colored a soft pink as he glanced up at me, his hands still playing. "He loaned me his guitar so I could play it for you today. I know it's your favorite Christmas show."

I felt the heat as my own blush made an appearance. "Thank you," I mouthed, grinning as I held out the small box I'd snatched from his hands. He offered a smirk, holding his hand out for me to place it on his upturned palm. He wasted no time tearing the paper and pulling open the lid.

Inside was our dollar folded in half with engraved guitar picks nestled in the fold.

We had all laughed when Edward tossed our dollar into his open guitar case claiming it was the first time he had been paid for his music. It became another tradition of ours then. He would make sure I had the dollar at Christmas so I could toss it in his guitar case and request a particular song. Every year, I tried to think of the most obscure song to request, and no matter how far-fetched, Edward always knew it and I always had to give him the dollar.

"You okay, Sweetheart?" Esme's voice pulled me from my memories.

"Yeah, I'm good," I answered, searching for the right words to express my thoughts. It took a moment, but sensing my struggle, she waited patiently, refilling both of our mugs and giving me the space I needed.

"Esme, until tonight, I never realized what my being here for the holidays cost you." She shook her head and opened her mouth, but I held up a hand to quell her objections. "I know you don't see it that way, but I can't help but acknowledge the fact that Edward has stayed away because of me. There are things you don't know and-"

"His proposal, and your declining of it? Or hiding your mother's illness and pushing him away so that he would follow his dreams?" I'm sure it was the sight of my wide eyes and slack jaw that made her giggle before continuing. "He told us everything yesterday. So, let's get something straight, Bella. The only thing that kept Edward from being here with his family for Christmas is his own stubborn pride. Yes, he was devastated, but he chose to leave and keep us all at arm's length for the last few years. You aren't responsible for that, he is."

Leaning against the counter, she sipped her cider and watched as I absorbed her words.

"I'm responsible for causing the hurt that forced his decision."

"Hmmm. If that's the case, then your mother was responsible for your choice to push him away."

"No, it wasn't like that. She wasn't cruel about it. She didn't intend to hurt anyone."

Esme's brow lifted and her head tilted to the side. "And you did?"

"No, I …"

"Exactly!" Her face was smug as she set her cup on the counter and took my hands in hers. "You didn't want to hurt him, Bella, but Renee's request left you no other option. You've blamed yourself all this time for choosing between them. I don't know why Renee wanted to keep her secret until the end, but you were the one with the impossible decision to betray your mother or the man you love. From what I've seen, Edward isn't holding it against you. Don't you think it's time you forgave yourself?"

"Do you think I'm still worthy of him?"

"Absolutely." There was no hesitation in her response, and she stepped forward, pulling me into her arms. She smelled of cinnamon and vanilla, of home … and hope.

"Everything okay in here?" Edward's eyes darted between his mother and me, worry creasing his forehead.

"Everything is fine. Here," she held out her hand for his cup, "let me pour the last of the cider into your cup and then I'm going to bed."

Edward passed her the cup, glancing at me. "Alice and Jasper are ready for bed, too. Dad is getting some extra blankets from upstairs."

"Well, then," Esme stopped to kiss us both on the cheek, "I'll see you both in the morning. Sleep well, and Merry Christmas."

Three hours later, the house was silent except for the occasional rattling of windows by a strong gust of wind. Edward was on the far end of the family room, stretched out on the longer couch. He was just far enough away that I couldn't hear the rhythm of his breathing, a sound that had been comforting to me the night before while curled up in front of my own fireplace. I couldn't be certain he was sleeping, but he hadn't stirred in quite some time.

The snowfall had ended a few hours earlier, but the clouds remained, covering the moon and any light it might cast on the earth below. There was a soft glow from the fireplace, but otherwise, the house was dark and still.

My mind, however, was not.

My imagination conjured the image of a hamster, running at top speed on a wheel, chasing something just out of reach, unable to capture the object of his obsession. Like that hamster, my mind was spinning, turning over possibilities and outcomes as I lay on that couch with nothing to distract me from my thoughts.

I believed Edward. I'd known him long enough to know when he was sincere, so I had no doubt of his heartfelt declaration. My worry was whether he would doubt me.

Will he be able to overcome his anger and really trust me again? Do I trust him? Will I be able to let down my guard with him? Where will I live? Will I be able to find work? What if I move to Florida? If I move to Florida, what if I can't find a job? What if I stay? What if I choose to stay for him and we don't work out?

All of these thoughts and questions were racing through my mind with no way to answer them until Edward and I had a chance to talk again. Realizing I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon, I sat up, pulling a blanket around me and stumbled to the kitchen in the dark.

I had just pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator when I heard movement behind me and the kitchen was softly illuminated. I turned to find Edward walking toward me, holding his phone out to light his way.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," he answered, reaching for my open bottle. "I've been laying there listening to you toss and turn while wrestling with whatever is going through that pretty head of yours." He tipped the bottle up, taking a couple of sips before setting it on the counter and looking at me expectantly.

Of course, in my agitated state, my mouth spoke before my brain could engage.

"I might move to Florida."

Edward's eyes widened and his lips parted as though he might respond, but he remained silent as he watched me. After a moment, he nodded once and walked past me toward the cabinet where he pulled out two small glasses. He crossed the kitchen and pulled a bottle of Fireball from the freezer and poured some in each glass before handing one to me.

"I need to be good and awake for this conversation. Drink," he ordered.

I did as he asked, coughing a bit as the liquid burned and then warmed me from the inside. I took his hand when he offered it, allowing him to pull me from the room, leaving our empty glasses behind. We settled on the couch where he'd been lying, and he was quick to pull the blankets around us as he pulled me into his side and relaxed against the cushions.

"So, if the orchard changes ownership next month and you are forced out, what are your immediate plans, Bella?"

I shook my head as he finished his question. "It isn't a matter of 'if', Edward. It's in foreclosure, and the bank already has a buyer lined up. They were kind enough to let me stay through the holidays, but once January 15th arrives, the farm will have a new owner."

Edward frowned and shook his head, "We'll discuss that in a moment. I want to know what your plans are. Why Florida?"

"Charlie is there. He's the only family I have left. He hasn't been much of a dad, but he's what I've got. I can probably find a teaching job there as easily as I can here and I won't be alone."

The room was mostly dark, and I felt more than saw Edward's eyes searching my face.

"You feel alone?"

"I feel … lonely, I guess. Mostly, it's my own fault, though. It's painful. The memories are painful when I'm around …"

"Couples? Families?" he asked. "It's the same for me."

We were quiet for a few minutes, each of us recognizing the same struggle in the other.

"It isn't true, you know." His words were quiet but held a firm conviction.

"What isn't?"

"Charlie isn't the only family you have left. Family isn't always made of blood. It's who you choose, as well." He shifted a little, pulling me closer as he leaned against the arm of the couch. "So, Florida in January?"

"No, not that soon. Emmett and Rose are letting me stay in their garage apartment until I figure out what I'm going to do. I've already applied for substitute teaching jobs for the spring, so that gives me a little time to make some decisions."

I felt Edward's body relax with a sigh. "Okay," he nodded. "That gives me some time, then."

"For?"

"To convince you to stay." Again, his words held certainty. We had shifted enough on the couch that Edward's legs were stretched out on the cushions as he reclined against the other end. He tugged me up a little so that my head could rest on his shoulder and then covered us both with his blankets. "I meant every word I said this morning, Bella. I want a future with you. I'm not gonna lie, I'd like it to be here, but I'll follow you to Florida if I have to."

I shook my head. "No. I won't let you do that. You've just come home, and your family is thrilled."

"Not your choice."

His words stopped me cold. They were short and true, but his tone is what gave me pause. It had an edge. A slight anger that I knew he was trying to rein in with his slow deep breaths.

He was right. It wasn't my choice. I couldn't control his actions, and as much as I hated to admit it, that terrified me.

"You're right, and I'm sorry. But, Edward, I can't make my choices based on what you want either. If I chose to stay and we didn't work out … I couldn't …" I let my words trail off as I felt the pounding of my heart and tried to take a deep breath. I pushed against Edward's chest, but his arms held me tighter.

"You couldn't what, Bella?"

"It would devastate me to lose another person I love. But just the thought that I could have you again and then lose you … I … I can hardly breathe, Edward. I don't think I could survive it. I'm an absolute hypocrite for feeling that way after what I did to us, but I can't help it. It scares me."

Edward lay beside me, still and silent for several minutes. His breathing hadn't changed so I knew he was awake. Fear began to snake its way up my spine as I worried his silence meant he realized I was too much effort. My hands began to tremble slightly, and I was just about to get up and go back to my couch when Edward's hand captured my own, bringing it to his lips. His warm breath fanned over my fingers as he pressed a kiss to my palm.

"Are you cold?" he whispered.

I shook my head, worried that any words I tried to voice would be void of sound.

He pressed my hand to his chest and pulled me impossibly closer, almost on top of him as his hand threaded into my hair and held me tightly.

"That was the most honest and vulnerable thing you've said to me," he began. "I'm scared, too. I'm terrified that you will push me away again because of a decision you've made without talking to me first." He sighed and then turned his head to press a kiss to my forehead. "It all comes down to trust, Bella. We have to learn to trust one another again. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen if we are both willing to try."

"Okay."

"Okay." With my head resting on his chest, I couldn't see his smile in the dark, but I could hear it in that single word.

Once again, the silence engulfed us as we lay there, both of us considering what the future might hold. The gentle scratch of his fingertips in my hair lulled me into a relaxed state just on the verge of sleep when his voice brought me back from the edge.

"Will you trust me with something now?"

"Hmm?" was my intelligent response.

"The farm. I'd like you to trust me with the farm, Bella."

"What do you mean?" I was fully awake again and he had my attention.

"I'd like to look into a few possibilities. It's something I do all the time, and I think there may be a way to save it."

"It's too late. I'm supposed to sign the final paperwork right after New Year's."

"Maybe. But if you will trust me, I may be able to give it all back to you. It couldn't hurt to let me try, right? What do you say?"

I knew there was nothing he could do. I'd exhausted every possible avenue and the money just wasn't there. This was an easy issue on which to give him my trust, even if he would end up disappointed.

"I trust you, Edward. It won't do any good, but you're welcome to try."

"That's all I ask."