Disclaimer: I do not own 'Berserk'; this is only a fanfic.

Author's Notes: Hello everyone! Still upset over the manga; Gutts & Caska's - the true Caska back together; When? (sobs!) Well, that's enough drama.

First, I'd like to thank my reviewer, Shisoukengo, for his last update. It's always a pleasure receiving your critique; very happy you enjoyed the cattiness.

Thank you, thank you, franck259146, Ahri The Nine-Tailed Fox, Kraygar, porcupineslug, and tendere for following and favoriting this fic.

Without further adieu, please read, enjoy, and leave a review.

Chapter 9: Caska I: First Kill

"Whether you chose to follow me or not is up to you. At least now, you now know how to fight."

My eyes open slowly, my lashes filtering the light that dissipates the image of Griffith in my dreams. A young Griffith, the beautiful mercenary who saved my life and sculpted me into the soldier I am today.

As I lay on my side, not moving, I take in my surroundings - a cave, of some sort, with earthen walls, embedded with thick, twisted tree roots. Several sections of body armor and a helmet littered the dirt floor, and I realized they were mine.

"Yo!"

My head felt as if it weighed a ton, but with difficulty, I turned, looking over my shoulder, in the direction of the voice and saw Gutt's hulking frame hovering in the entryway.

"Wh... where?" I croaked, my voice was raspy, my mouth dry.

"In a cave, by the river," Gutts replied, as he ducked down to enter the small space. "Luckily, falling into the river saved us."

I frowned on hearing that. "... river?" I murmured.

"What the heck!" Gutts gasped. "Come on, don't you remember? After I had it out with that whale jerk, you lost your footing and fell off the cliff," he said, as he squatted next to me. "You're pretty laid back; I mean we just nearly drowned, is all."

Gutts was right next to me, but he sounded so far away. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, trying to get my bearings and then moved to sit up.

"Damn it, don't get up!" Gutts snapped. He stretched out out a hand and then withdrew it quickly. "Your fever ain't gone down yet."

I managed to sit up without his assistance, but it took some effort. My body felt weak, and lethargy invaded my limbs. Initially, I felt warm until my coverings fell away and felt the coolness of the cave.

The shrubs scratched skin, as the woody bark slid down into my lap and looking down, I realized I was naked. Bare bronzed shoulders, arms, and breast kissed by the sun were exposed, and I turned, perplexed, to the man next to me.

"Hey!" Gutts yelped, looking chagrined. "It ain't my fault! You were soakin' wet and freezin' to boot. What was I supposed to do?"

My mind was a jumble, but the longer I stared at him, the more the pieces came together.

"What's that look for?" Gutts scowled.

The moment he asked that dumb question, I recalled the last time I was naked in his presence. I remembered those hellish days & nights having laid with Gutts, on Griffiths order, to keep his body warm after an injury and I - snapped. Without as much as a shoulder roll, I reared back and... 'POW,' a left hook to the jaw.

"Oww! That hurt!" Gutts roared, holding his jaw as he inched back, putting distance between us. "What the hell's the matter with you? I jus' saved your ass!"

An adrenaline rush cleared my head; I was pissed that he had the nerve to undress me, and it spurred my movements. Every item within reach that littered the cave floor, I grabbed and began throwing at Gutts fleeing figure. Helmets, breastplates, guards - the jerk ducked everything I threw and escaped the confines of the cave mouthing obscenities. The last item on the floor was a knife; I picked it up and without hesitation, aimed at Gutt's head. Damn! I missed if only I could have thrown as accurate as Judeau.

"Enough of this shit!" Gutts growled as he slid his head from under the knife embedded in the tree that, just if it had landed an inch lower, would have caused a permanent part in his dark spikey hair. "You're hysterical!" he shouted, as I emerged from the cave, naked but with his cape draped over me.

"I ain't trying to make a big deal outta it, but I almost died draggin' your ass outta that river with full armor on.!" Gutts spat, as he pointed at me and continued his rant. "And instead of one word of thanks, all I get is a knife hurled at me! If you were a man, I swear, I'd dislocate your jaw!"

I gasped, as Gutt's words triggered the memory of that bastard Coborlwitz's tirade on the battlefield.

"I can't stand it; a woman playing at being a knight, it's absurd. Women are inferior to men in strength; they're useless and have no place on the battlefield."

"No doubt you earned such high rank by climbing into Griffiths bed! I imagine you keep your men very warm at night."

"The battlefield is a man's sacred ground and 'you,' a woman, have defiled it! That is why I, Lord Adon, leader of the Blue Whale Super Assault Knights will punish you for having the audacity to set foot upon it!"

Leaning against a rock at the cave's entrance, I closed my eyes against the humiliation of not defeating him, right there and then. I should have proved him wrong, for myself and my men.

"Women!" I heard Gutt's snort. "You're always pissed about somethin', that's the reason you ain't cut out to be warriors!"

"I wasn't..." I choked on my words, as tears started to well in my eyes.

"What?" Gutts snapped.

"I wasn't asked to be born a woman!" I whimpered.

There was a long silence, which made the admission more unbearable. I sniffed and realized tears were flowing.

"Great - now she's crying," Gutts muttered under his breath, as he approached. "Hey, it's not like I get it, but..."

I experienced another surge of anger, which stopped my tears yet also incited me to throw another punch. Prepared this time, Gutts bobbed and weaved, catching my small fist in his larger one, as the cape slipped from my body. With me naked, we tussled with each other, both pushing and pulling - one trying to inflict damage, the other trying to subdue.

"Crazy broad; calm down, dammit!"

"Let go! Let go, I say! Let..."

I tired quickly and fell to my knees, zapped of strength and panting heavily with Gutts towering over me. Down on all fours, I heard him mutter, "Told ya'."

The earth, patches of grass, Gutt's boots blurred in my vision as tears formed again from my position on the ground. Anger surged again, and I dashed them away with the back of my hand. Gutt's weight shifted from one foot to the other; he moved hesitantly toward me and reached down as if to help me up. My head snapped up, and I glared at him, daring him with my eyes. Raising his hands in mock surrender, he straightened and backed away.

I rose slowly, threw back my shoulders in naked glory, and marched back into the cave, plopped down on the makeshift bedding and turned my back on the world. Between my loss to Coborlwitz and this bulking thunderhead, I could no longer suffer the humiliation.

"Here," I heard Gutts say from somewhere behind me and felt something clothlike hit my back. "Put this on, it's dry," he ordered, and I heard him settle near me.

I pulled the fabric around, sat up, and held in front of me. It was Gutt's overshirt.

"It's clean," he snorted and then turned to look over at me. "What? You still cryin'?" he asked with an odd pout.

"Shut up!" I yelled and then saw his dark gaze settle on my breast. "And - turn around!" I ordered in my most commanding voice.

Before Gutts looked away, I could've sworn I saw a blush tinge his brown cheeks, and I hastily donned the large shirt.

"Pathetic," I whispered, talking about myself and this situation. "You're the last person I'd want to save me."

There was an awkward silence; neither of us looked at the other. I focused on the ceiling of the small cave, and Gutt's dark eyes gazed outside.

"So... why did you become a member of the hawks, anyway?" Gutts asked in a low voice, yet he seemed genuinely interested, not just to make conversation. "Ain't it tough on a woman, fightin' for a livin'?"

I was taken aback by the sudden question, as well as the seriousness of the inquiry that it took me a moment to respond.

"If you don't wanna say, then... whatever," Gutts muttered and shrugged dismissively, still looking outside.

"Griffith," I announced solemnly and I felt Gutts turn to me. "It was because of Griffith."

What compelled me to open up to this man, I don't know. We were comrades in arms, but we were not friends. We didn't like each other and had spent the majority of our time together at each other's throats. To me, Gutts was a brainless brute, and to him, I was a nagging bitch which he obliged to mention with each altercation. Therefore, once I launched into the tale of my past, I was just as surprised as he was.

"I come from a small farming village deep in the mountains," I began, my voice low, barely above a whisper. "The land was barren, the crops meager. If that were not enough, we were bled dry by the taxes for the war effort. It was not uncommon to go for three days without food, and many died of starvation during winter."

"Our village was along the border, so we were often caught up in battles," I explained, drawing my knees to my chest, as I continued to reminisce. "When that happened, all we could do was hide in the mountains and watch, silently, while soldiers ravaged our homes and fields."

"Other villages suffered the same fate; the robbing, looting, having our lives trampled upon was just a way of life; I thought so too."

"One day, a nobleman passing through the village noticed me," I said, and wrapped my arms around myself at the memory. "Well aware of our circumstances, the man approached my father, offering to position me as a kitchen maid. My father was reluctant at first but then agreed. There were six in our household; I was the youngest and just another mouth to feed. It's a wonder none of us had starved to death already. I wasn't much of a worker and unable to earn my keep; my father felt the offer good for both the family and me."

"I left the village with the nobleman with only the clothes on my back. While in the carriage, with him sitting across from me, I felt uneasy. I sensed his eyes upon me even though I looked elsewhere. Several miles away from the village, I heard him laugh; a sinister sound that filled me with dread. I looked up then, into eyes that were just a malicious as that laugh and knew his intentions."

I grew silent; mentally preparing myself for the memory of what followed. I recognized lust; had seen it numerous time in the eyes of our village men and especially my father. In a household of six, I once overheard my oldest brother say that our mother seemed pregnant every year since his birth. Unfortunately, my brother had returned from the fields early one particular evening, accidentally catching our parents in the throes of passion.

"Rutting animals!" my eldest brother spat in disgust, as he confided to my second brother, yet unaware of my presence. "Father was something wild on top of mother; he saw me and yelled at me to 'get out,' but his bare ass never stopped moving!"

From that day forth, I had paid heed to my parent's interactions, now realizing the reasons behind the moans and thumping noises that had emanated from their closed door and woke us in the middle of the night. Mother had never given much away; always quiet and demure. She was a fair looking woman; dark, like me, and the villagers called her gypsy. After four children father was still smitten with her and his eyes seemed to devour her, his lustful gaze following her every movement. However, they were married; husband and wife. There was no such connection between the nobleman and myself. I was nothing to him and yet, his eyes reflected that same look just before he pounced.

"He attacked me in the carriage," I started speaking again, confident that even Gutts would know the 'he' of whom I was referring. "He set upon me, grabbed my wrist, and tried to pin them over my head. He pressed me back into the seat, his knee pressing into my thigh, to hold me down. Somehow, I broke free; the carriage was still moving as I lunged for the door, threw it open and jumped."

"I ran as fast I could, before tumbling down a hill, thinking I was free, but no, the nobleman followed. I felt his rough hand grip my shoulder, and we both rolled to the bottom. He fell on top of me, looking down on me with those lewd eyes. To satisfy his lust is what he had intended all along. It was so obvious; no nobleman was fanciful enough to go out of his way to save a destitute girl he'd never seen before."

"I closed my eyes and started to cry," I whispered, my nails dug into the skin of my upper arms as if the pain would help me through reliving the horror. "I felt helpless; his hot breath on my face, his hands roaming - touching, persistent until he ripped..." I choked, clutched my throat, willing the words to come, but they wouldn't. Instead, I ended with, "But, that was the reality - my reality."

"And just when I had resigned to my fate, the nobleman stiffened and then cried out. He pushed off me and sat up, holding the side of his face."

"Just because you were born a noble, do you believe you were chosen by God?" a voice commanded.

"I sat up and through my tears saw the nobleman cowering a few feet away. I turned to the sound of the voice and believed God had answered my prayers."

"My angel looked divine; his appearance unreal," I said softly, remembering how majestic the being looked sitting atop a white steed; his white hair swirling around his head in magnificent glory. "God had mercifully sent one of his own to protect this pathetic, powerless girl and I believed that - but only for a moment."

"What this angel offered me, was not the helping hand in my time of need. Instead, he raised his sword and threw it to the ground which landed at my feet, but also mere inches from the nobleman and said, 'If there is something you wish to protect, take up that sword,' the angel challenged me."

"Although I was shocked, it only took a moment for me to react, and I lunged for the sword, but so did the nobleman. Time seemed to have slowed to a snail's pace as we both fought to reach it, and yet it was my hand that first closed over the sword's hilt."

"I remember him looming over me, as I pulled the sword from the ground," I said and closed my eyes to what followed. "I lifted the blade; brandishing it to ward him off. He fell on top of me and..." I paused; my throat tightened, but I forced the words out. "I heard a grunt and then he just - fell over. To this day, I'm not sure if I stabbed him or he - fell on the blade, but either way, I killed a man," I whispered.

Somehow, I had gone back in time, reliving the man's death by my hands; a twelve-year-old, all alone and fighting for her life and her virginity. I remembered how scared I was, still holding the bloody sword clutched in my hands and refused to turn and meet the lifeless eyes of the dead nobleman lying beside me.

"As I sat there shivering, I felt the angel's presence," I continued, noticing Gutts from the corner of my eye. He sat with his back to me, but I could tell he was listening. "The angel kneeled next to me, gently removing the sword from my grasp. He nodded slowly - knowingly as if he understood my plight. The angle covered me in a blanket that warmed me to the bone and his radiance that filled my heart. I was still afraid, but no longer felt guilt nor regret. That was the true helping hand."

"Help yourself, and heaven will help you."

"The angel's men called out to him; I hadn't noticed them before, and I realized my savior was just a man. I sat, spellbound, as 'Griffith' as his men addressed him, flicked the blood from his sword and resheathed it before turning to head up the incline."

"I called out to him, following him to the top of the rise and asked, 'What am I do?' I dared not return home; I did not want my crime to reflect on my family, nor did I desire to return to that desolate place. 'Do whatever you want,' Griffith said to me, and before I realized it, I was begging him to take me along."

"The other men protested, of course, but I persisted. I recall Corkus muttering at the time about going to war with a woman and a child. However, I appealed to Griffith, telling him that I would learn to wield a sword and work hard to prove my worth. 'You might wind up dead,' was Griffith's response and amazingly, that didn't bother me. After all, one could say I had just escaped death or something worse. Griffith must have seen the answer reflected in my eyes because turned away, mounted his horse, and then swung the beast around to face me and said, 'Did I not tell you to do as you wish. Whether you chose to follow me or not is up to you. At least now, you now know how to fight.' Griffith urged his mount forward, his men followed, and I followed them."

"Since the day I met him, my life changed," I sat up straight, lifted my head, proud of what I had accomplished. "From a life of enduring and waiting for things to happen to a life where I learned to fight for my achievements," I said with satisfaction and then turned to Gutts.

"And now you understand; the reason I worship Griffith."

'Til next chapter...