(Erik glances around a ridiculously lavishly appointed Beverly Hills mansion and a sour expression comes over his face)
Erik: PHANTOMESS!
Phantomess: (appearing at the top of the staircase) I'm right here, hon. You don't have to shout.
Erik: The hell I don't. First off why am I in this atrocity of a dwelling? And secondly, why is there an enormous clock stuck to my chest? (Gesturing angrilly to the large clock that is indeed affixed to his chest via a chain about his neck)
Phantomess: You are here for the amusement of the readers at home, and because one luckly little phan is going to get to be your new girlfriend. And you are wearing the giant clock because I got the idea from watching Flavor of Love one night.
Erik: Do you have any idea how much you make me twitch?
Phantomess: (Grinning innanely because she knows she can get away with it) A lot.
Erik: (Slapping his forehead) So what horrors are you going to put me through this time? No more children. Please dear God no more children (Insert shameless self promotion for her Christmas Phic here)
Phantomess: Oh nononononononono. No children. Phans.
Erik: I hate you.
Phantomess: No you don't.
Erik: Yes, I think I really do. Phantomess: Aw, c'mon. I'm trying to help. You need yourself a nice girl to look after you, and I figured that phans were the best idea. They should already know what they're getting into. I've screened out 5 prime examples of the different forms of phandom and all you have to do is eliminate them one by one until you're left with the one you want to date. Pretty simple, huh?
Erik: You're out of your mind, Phantomess.
Phantomess: Well duh. But anyhow it's now time to bring in our contestants! (Dramatic reality tv theme music as the phans enter one by one)
First we have the most recent addition to the phandom, the Movie Phan. (A little 15 year old preptastic thing trots in and waves) She's only familiar with the 2004 movie, does not know the Phantom has a name, and thinks Emmy Rossum is the best singer/actress in the known universe.
Next is the hyper-active pre-teen who just discovered Erik. (An over-sugared 12 year old comes bouncing in, squeeling her delight at being permitted to participate) This Hyper Phan is characterized by her excessive youthful exuberance, and incessent quoting of all things Phantom. Or at least the ALW play and the original novel, provided she made it all the way through Leroux's work.
Third comes a true romantic. The Mushy Phan. (A pretty teenaged girly girl wanders in looking dreamy) This phan is easily recognizable because whenever she hears Erik's name she sighs dramatically and turns into an all out pile of mush when she hears her favourite Phantom actor sing.
After that we have the Know-It-All Phan. (A nerdy little thing appears. Obviously one who spends most of her time at the library or on the 'net. She's in her late teens/early twenties and seems pretty self posessed) This little lady has read, seen, and listened to all of the mainstream Phantom versions and even a few more obscure works, which makes her feel superior to all other phans. She's also memorized large tracts of text from the Kay, Leroux, and ALW versions.
And finally we have the phan who took it a wee bit too far. The Delusional Phan. (A very attractive young woman enters, wearing an exact replica of the Wishing dress. If you look closely you can see the twinge of insanity in her eyes) This phan thinks she IS Christine Daae, and will claw your eyes out if you brook any arguments with her on the subject.
Ladies, give a shout-out to your man!
Phans: Phantom Phan!
Phatomess: So? Whadddaya think?
Erik: (Staring at the girls in abject horror) Why are you doing this to me?
Phantomess: There's only five of them. Why don't you go get to know them. After you've talked with each of them we'll get this going right and have our first elimination.
Erik: I can save you a lot of time. Get them all out of here.
Phantomess: Nope, nope. That's not how the game works. One at a time until there's just one left.
Erik: (Growling and grinding his teeth) All right, fine. I'll talk to them. The sooner I get them all out of my hair the better. And I am SO going to get you back for this, Phantomess! (Phantomess attempts to look sweet and innocent)
(Erik rolls his eyes and stalks over to the line of phan girls. Surveying it with a disheartened sigh he approaches the first phan)
Movie Phan: Who are you?
Erik: I'm Erik.
Movie Phan: Who's Erik?
Erik: I'm the Phantom of the Opera.
Movie Phan: Nuh-uh.
Erik: Yeah.
Movie Phan: Really!
Erik: (irritated) Yes.
Movie Phan: But you're old and fugly!
Erik: (Narrowing his eyes at the girl and flexing his hand in a mixture of rage and annoyance, but to his credit he just moves down to the next phan in line, who's bouncing up and down like a little twit) And just what the hell is your problem?
Hyper Phan: OMG! O! M! G! You're him! You're really really him! Oh God I love you so much! I want to hug you and kiss you and have your babieeeeeeeees!
Erik: You scare me. (moving on to the next phan) Hello.
Mushyy Phan: (standing slack jawed with a dewy look in her large eyes) hi.
Erik: Aren't you going to say something utterly innane?
Mushy Phan: (Shaking her head slowly, still gawking over Erik)
Erik: Aren't you going to say anything?
Mushy Phan: You are SO gorgeous.
Erik: mm-hm. Right then. (continuing down the line)
Know-It-All Phan: (extending her hand in civilized greeting) You're Erik. I'm very pleased to meet you. I know EVERYTHING about you. I've been studying you for years.
Erik: How stalker of you.
Phantomess: Oh, like you can talk, Mr. "Yeah sure I'm the Angel of Music. You go ahead and keep undressing, Christine.
Erik: (Jaw hanging open as though he can't believe she just said that.) Shut up. You know what, just shut up.
Phantomess: What? Prove me wrong. (Making the "bring it" gesture)
Erik: (sighing and moving on to the final contestant) Hello, I'm Erik.
Delusional Phan: And I'm Christine. Oh, my Angel. I knew you'd come for me.
Erik: (Noticing the slightly unbalanced look in her eye that even makes him a bit creeped out. he takes a step back) Uh-huh. That's very nice. I'm going over here now. (Slipping over to stand by Phantomess) I really should hurt you, you know.
Phantomess: (Ignoring his comment) Now that you've met the girls I think you should give them all cute little nicknames to call them by.
Erik: All right, fine. (pointing as each girl down the line as he assigns names) Idiot, Crackhead, Nauseating, Smartass, Scary as hell. There, happy?
Phantomess: Ok. Maybe it's a little early on for pet names. We'll just skip that for the moment. Elimination time. One of you girls is going to be going home tonight.
Erik: Thank God. (Phantomess hands Erik four masks) What the hell are these for?
Phantomess: (quietly) Pass these out to the girls who are going to be staying. And give them each an encouraging word. And then when you're done, let the loser know why she's going home.
Erik: This is retarded (Phantomess gives him a nudge. He glares at her then scans over the girls) Hmmmm. Hey Smartass. Come get your mask. (Know-It-All beams and immediately steps foreward to collect her mask) Yeah, you're getting this because you seem to have the best functioning brain. And well, I guess the pot shouldn't call the kettle black, so this is the best apology you're getting from me. Ok, let's see. (Looking at the remaining girls) Hey, you. Wipe off the drool and come get your mask! (The Mushy Phan squeeks and she trots up, oggling Erik the entire time) You're kind of amusing. So here you go. All right, you. (points at the Hyper Phan) You're not allowed to have any sugar or caffine or stimulants of any kind though. Maybe once you're calmed down you'll be tolerable. (tosses the bouncing girl a mask and she screams and squees and almost crushes Erik with the flying tackle glomp she lays on him) Get off of me! Uh, I guess the crazy lady can have a mask too. (the two remaining girls look at him bewildered. he sighs, knowing he's gonna regret this) Christine. Come get your stinking mask.
Delusional Phan: Oh my Angel! (rushing up and taking the mask)
Erik: Don't call me that. It's weird. (Looking at the Movie Phan) Yeah. You can leave anytime now. You just piss me off, kid.
Movie Phan: But I was promised Gerry would be here! Where's Gerry.
Phantomess: I promised you the Phantom of the Opera. And I hate to burst your bubble, but THIS is the Phantom. Gerry is not. (Gesturing to Erik) Phantom. (Producing a pic of Gerry from nowhere in particular) Cheap imitation. Review. Real. (Erik) Fake. (Gerik) Thank you and goodbye.
(The Movie Phan is removed by Security still shouting about Gerry)
Phantomess: All right. That's it for today, girls. Tomarrow we're going to have our first challenge and another elimination, so get a good night's rest tonight. (the girls file upstairs to fight over beds)
Erik: Challenge?
Phantomess: Karaoke.
Erik: Why are you torturing me like this?
Phantomess: You get to judge. Be as harsh as you like. Make Simon seem like a dose of Prozac if you want. (Erik flips her off) Ooh. When, where, and how many toys?
Erik: I'm going to go bang my head against the floor in my room for a while now...
Please R&R. If you have any suggestions on who should be eliminated next maybe I'll take it into consideration.