Playlist:
Wrong – Depeche Mode
Broken Glass - Rachel Platten
Pray For Me – The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar
The Beautiful & Damned – G-Easy, Zoe Nash
Don't Blame Me – Taylor Swift
Gallows – Dustin Kensrue
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words. Stephanie Meyer owns the Twilight series, and the songs belong to their respective people.
Wrong
Bella was having a fantastic dream for once. Edward and she were in the sacred space of the panic room, making love. It was amazing, awe-inspiring, wondrous; it was perfect in almost every way. She awoke suddenly to an imbalance pushing against her mind. She found herself clutched naked against something cold. She freaked out for just a second, pushing herself away from whoever had a hold on her.
"Bella?"
Oh! It wasn't a dream.
She was in the panic room with Edward, naked in his lap. Shock and happiness painted her face when she leaned back to take in his visage. Her hand flew to the bite mark on her neck, pressing down on the closed wound to remind herself this was reality.
"Edward!"
Joy rose in her; it was unstoppable, beyond anything she had ever known. She kissed him before he could speak, exulting in the feel of his mouth against hers. She was sore, aching in all the right ways, and she could still taste her own blood and hints of him in her mouth. This was unreal. She never thought – she had dreamed, hoped—but never thought, could never have imagined.
He allowed her to push him back, straddling him on the mossy stone floor. They were still gloriously uncovered. Bella didn't know what to do. She wanted to weep, to cry out, to dance uncontrollably. She wanted to do it again, to never leave this holy place where her Edward had made love to her. Her ecstasy was interrupted by a knocking at the edge of her perception: someone was removing the heavy magic that shielded the passageway to the cave.
She pulled back from the kiss, and Edward laughed as he took in her wide eyes and slightly panicked face. "Shit! Someone's coming!"
She leapt across the crevasse, throwing Edward his pants as she searched for her dress. She swore loudly when she saw the scrap of cloth that had been her panties.
"Can't you just materialize us new outfits?"
"No. Not in here, I can't cast to the outside world from in here, otherwise it would be sort of pointless. Where's your shirt?"
Edward's face grew slightly panicked. "You can't get us new clothes? Bella, I don't have a shirt. I ripped it."
She swore again as she heard the enchantment release, sensing the presence of not only Kaedra and Marcos, but the Cullens and Josephat as well. The thin halter that had held up the front of her gown was hopelessly frayed; Bella spared a half-thought for the wound on her neck, an obviously vampiric bite. She didn't have time to heal it. She didn't want to. She wouldn't.
"Bella, your neck!" Edward was wiping the blood from the corners of his mouth hurriedly, looking ridiculous with panic in his eyes as he licked his fingers; a brief flash of hedonistic pleasure flashed on his face, and Bella had to ignore her responsive heat.
"There's no time. Why would Kaedra bring your family down here?"
Edward blanched, pulling on his pants. The zipper was busted, and they were missing the button. "My family? Bella, they cannot see you like this. Hell, they can't see me like this. What are we gonna do?"
"The only thing we can do." Bella was hurriedly forcing the threads of her dress together with magick and tying them around her neck to maintain at least a small semblance of modesty. "Stay calm, cool, and collected. Escape as soon as we can. Oh, this is not gonna be pretty. I don't regret it Edward, not one second of it. But wow, this is gonna be really embarrassing."
"Embarrassing? Bella, you don't understand-"
There were footsteps in the passageway now, Edward could hear them. He leapt the crack in the floor, gathering Bella away from the entrance to the cave and placing himself in front of her as she scrambled to adjust her half-destroyed clothing. A glowing purple light raced into the cave, swirling around them, and Bella spoke a strange word to it. It flared gold and returned to the opening into the cave.
The group of friends and family stepped cautiously into the cave after the light had vanished, and Bella shifted him behind her, raising her hands in front of her to show she was unarmed. "I'm okay, really. I'm great. 110% over here, even my aura has recovered. See?" She pulled at her eyelids. "No black. Hi guys. Um—can you give me a moment?"
Her chipper voice fell flat in the suddenly tense space as the group took in her appearance and Edward's shirtless form. Marcos looked like he was about to start guffawing, Kaedra looked considering, and Josephat looked blank; but Edward only had eyes for his family. Their minds were blank with shock and confusion, their thoughts muffled.
Carlisle moved before Edward could push Bella behind him again, grabbing Bella's jaw hard and wrenching her neck to the side to examine the bite and dried blood on her neck.
"Ow!"
Edward moved on pure instinct, flashing to Bella and throwing his father away from her, almost into the abyss. "Do not. Mine. Don't you touch her."
Carlisle was already rising to stand again; his face was predatory, his movement fluid. "What have you done?"
His father's voice was heartbroken and ravaged; it was a deadly rage-filled hiss.
"Father, please. Just let me explain."
Kaedra, Marcos and Bella looked bewildered now; Josephat's shock was beginning to fade into anger as well, though his eyes were on his queen. Realization and horror painted his family's faces as Carlisle shot towards his son, punching him hard in the gut and throwing Edward away from his prey. Emmett and Jasper flashed to restrain him. Edward did not fight them, though he met his father's eyes pleadingly. "It's not what you think. I mean, it is, but it's not-"
"You bit her." Rosalie snarled, planting her feet and shaking slightly. "How could you? Why?"
"Slow down. Bella hasn't turned, she's not a vampire. She's not dead. What happened, Edward?" Alice's voice was desperate and confused. She laid a calming hand on Jasper's shoulder.
"You are not my son. My son would not do this. Not to my daughter: his love. Not to Bella. You will never be near her again. How could you do this?" Carlisle's voice was angry and despairing, rising loudly through the shocked quiet.
Edward went motionless in his brothers' restraining grip, coiled like a snake preparing to strike. His eyes narrowed, and he felt his own face turn vampiric. "I have done nothing wrong. She is mine. My love, my prey. You will not keep me from her. I will not allow it. I will not submit."
"It is sinful, Edward. A century you've been my son, you know this. I will not allow you to harm her. I don't know how this came to be, how it is she has survived. But I will not allow this. Get him out of here."
Jasper and Emmett began to pull him towards the entrance and Edward saw horrified understanding and true panic cross Bella's face. Now, he resisted.
"Woah, woah, woah. Guys, what the hell? You're not taking him anywhere." Bella snapped her fingers, and Jasper and Emmett forcibly froze. Edward pulled free of their grasp, rushing across the maw of the abyss to Bella's side. "Everybody calm down. Carlisle, would you care to explain to me what's going on here?
Carlisle was holding his breath, so he didn't have to inhale the scent of his son's treachery. Josephat broke the quiet that rose in the wake of Bella's question. "Isabella, what happened here? Why did he bite you?"
"Um, well. Uh..." she faltered, unsure of how to communicate the sequence of events that led to Edward's momentary loss of control to her healer. "He had my permission?" The words came out like a question, timid and beseeching.
"You were high as a kite when we brought you two down here, in no shape to consent to anything."
"No, no. I mean, I got better. Edward helped. He had my full consent, I promise."
"Addiction has a powerful sway on you. You pushed him, didn't you?" Josephat's face was disappointed, angry. "It's sickness, Isabella. Let me help."
"Josephat, I would hold your tongue before you piss me off. There was nothing sick or wrong about what happened here. You have no comprehension of what you are speaking of."
"Then explain." Kaedra's voice was regal and commanding. "Preferably before the vamp-doc rips off your lover's head."
"We had sex. Edward, um, lost it a little bit. I wanted him to. I didn't push him. I mean, I did, but it wasn't like you're..." Bella's face paled, her sentence trailing off at the memory of Edward pushing his back into the wall, his longing gaze into the abyss. Her lover put a comforting hand on her shoulder, ignoring Jasper and Emmett's hiss.
"Well, he doesn't seem upset about it, and neither does she. What's with the hissy fit from the vampires?" Marcos' voice was amused but guarded. He took in Carlisle's shaking form, Esme's horrified posture.
"They're 'vegetarian', Marcos. Remember? Talk about taboo. Damn, Izzy, score for the kinky business. I knew you had it in you." Kaedra was grinning mischievously, but Josephat shook his head in disappointment.
"You must let me help you, Isabella. This is not acceptable."
"Oh, wow." Bella's temper was rising now, anger at her family's judgement. "Okay, would you like me to submit a formal request? We could make a form for it, a requisition sheet. I could write a letter: Dear Jo, is it okay with you if I make love with my boyfriend tonight? I wasn't exactly thinking of you at the time, healer."
Emmett broke in. "It would have hurt. Love doesn't hurt, Bella."
Rosalie, however, looked more considering now. Jasper was blank-faced and evaluating, in full-soldier mode. He was Major Whitlock once more.
"It's none of our business." Alice was calm now, removing her hand from Jasper and turning to Carlisle with pain on her face as she approached where Bella and Edward stood. "If Bella wants it, if Edward wants it, we don't get an opinion."
The battle lines were drawn now. Bella, Edward, Kaedra, Marcos, and Alice were on one side of the crack in the stone. After a moment of indecision and with a soft look at Emmett, Rosalie crossed to stand with them.
On the other side of the aching maw stood Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper. Josephat shook his head in anger and sadness as he crossed to join them.
Bella felt her heart turn to stone in her chest, a lump forming in her throat. No, this wasn't right. This wasn't how this went; this wasn't how she had always thought it would be. It was supposed to be happy ever after now, at least for a little while. Instead, this was a nightmare; this was devastating and just... wrong.
Broken Glass
At dawn the next day, Esme realized she had endured enough. No more of this. Her husband had fumed in the empty main room of the Attic all night long. He had actually thrown a book at the burned-up futon. At breakfast, Bella had visibly gathered her courage and come to join them at the high table. She and Edward barely sat down before Carlisle had gotten up and left. It had been all Esme could do to keep from smacking him upside the head like she would Emmett and Jasper when their bickering got nasty.
Emmett looked like a kicked puppy, and Rosalie did too. Her normally affectionate daughter had sat across from her husband instead of next to him.
Alice and Jasper were no better. Alice practically vibrated with aggression from her seat next to Edward and Bella; Jasper ignored the steel goblets on the table in favor of glaring at Edward like he was going to bite Bella right there in the dining hall. Edward had a dead blankness on his face that Esme had grown more used to seeing on Bella's features; he had left the table shortly after Carlisle with his hands over his ears.
But Bella was by far the worst.
Her Fae daughter's every movement was jerky and violent as she ate her blueberry pancakes mechanically, and she was expectantly silent; it was like she was just waiting for the inevitable explosion. Marcos and Kaedra had lowered their voices into calming and professional monotones when they delivered the morning reports, and Lizzie had taken one look at Bella and turned to walk in the other direction.
There was something...disquieting... underneath Bella's jerky disconnection. It wasn't anything Esme could put her finger on, but the violence in Bella's movement wasn't directed...outward. Esme had seen self-destructiveness in her daughter before, but this was frightening. Esme would not have been comfortable asking Bella to chop vegetables in the kitchen with her; she didn't want Bella near a sharp object right now. Bella's eyes flashed lazily black when Edward got up to leave the table.
Jasper hissed when they did; Alice lost her tenuous calm and swiped at him. Bella caught Alice's wrist in her hand with a snarl before she could strike Jasper.
"No."
"Don't tell my wife what to do, Bella."
"The hypocrisy is strong this morning, Jasper. Alice, if you and Jasper need to have a discussion, do it elsewhere. I will not tolerate a scene in the dining hall."
"We're not Fae yet, Bella. You can't order us around."
"Would you like to match your strength to mine, Jasper? You won't like the results."
"I won't let you use me to hurt yourself, unlike my brother."
"Yeah? Pushing you to drink my blood wouldn't take much, Jasper. A papercut drove you over the edge."
Jasper flinched.
Emmett let loose a long, descending whistle. "Well, I never thought I'd see the day. Goddamn, Bella; that was vicious."
"Shut up, you idiot. You're making it worse."
"I'm making it worse? Rosie, baby, why are you so mad about this? Edward is the one who fucked up here, not me! Jesus, Rose, Bella is sitting here with a wound on her neck the size of my fist and you're acting like I'm the one doing something wrong!"
Rosalie stood from the table with her face twisted in pain and hurt. "Because you won't shut the fuck up! I cannot believe you think Edward would ever hurt Bella. You don't have the slightest clue what you're talking about, you ass!"
"Enough." Esme's children blinked at her in shock. She knew her face was vampiric. It was rare enough to make all her children pause. "I have had enough of this." She stood from the table and clenched her shaking hands into fists at her side.
"Jasper Whitlock-Cullen, you and Alice are going to walk to the training grounds together. There will be no physical violence, and so help me if I hear of a scene, I will make the two of you wear matching outfits for a month. Khaki outfits."
She turned to Rosalie. "And you, Rosalie Hale-Cullen, are going to shut up and listen to Emmett, who is not going to be sarcastic and will think before he speaks."
She pinned her Fae daughter under her glare. "As for you, Isabella Swan-Cullen..." Bella straightened her head and looked at a point over Esme's shoulder.
Esme's heart broke a little bit, but she cleared her throat and kept her voice demanding. "You are going to go and find my son, and you are going to let him follow you all day long with no complaints. And then, you are going to come to the Attic this evening, where you will sleep in your bed." Bella's eyes flew to Esme's and softened in relief and gratefulness.
"As for myself, I am going to go and talk some sense into my husband."
She addressed the whole table now, her voice calm and clipped. "Let me make something very clear to all of you. What Edward and Bella do in private is their business, and theirs alone. While I am uncertain of the morality of their decision, no one at this table will condemn or judge them for their actions without first giving them a chance to explain. Tonight, at sunset, our family is going to discuss this situation and this discussion will be civil. Each person at this table will come to this conversation in a posture of communication and understanding, and regardless of where we stand at the end of this discussion, we will still be family. No one is leaving; no one is going to take any sort of drastic action today or in the near future. Is this understood?"
Each of her vampire children eventually nodded at her, though Rosalie somehow managed to imbue her brief nod with more sassiness than a Siamese cat.
Esme took a breath and watched them leave, forcibly relaxing her posture as she made sure her children followed her orders. She took only a single bracing breath before she went to the gardens to find her husband.
When she finally found him, he was leaning against a low wall in the gardens, in an alcove that still carried the scents of Bella and Aphroditus. He had his head in his hands and his shoulders were slumped in the manner that Esme knew meant he was praying. She did not interrupt him, instead choosing to lean back against the curve of archway. He spoke soon enough.
"That's where I hid. To watch them."
"Who?" Esme asked, even though she knew.
"Bella and Aphroditus. I stood behind that archway, and I burned for her to be my daughter. I wished him dead for betraying her so. I couldn't imagine how he could have done it."
"You are not Aphroditus."
"No. I'm his killer. I don't understand. Esme, darling; I don't know what to do. She is my daughter. He is my son. If not by blood, by venom; by spirit. Aren't they?"
"Oh, darling. They are. They are your children, through and through. But they are also mine."
"Perhaps it is punishment for my covetousness."
"No. My darling, God doesn't work that way."
"It is not that I cannot forgive them, Esme. It is that they do not believe that they need forgiveness."
"It isn't that they don't believe they need forgiveness. Everyone needs forgiveness. Even you."
"What does that have to do with it?"
Esme pinned her husband under a glare. "Carlisle Cullen, you are not a dull man. There are two greatest commandments from the mouth of Jesus Christ. "Love the LORD your God above all else." and "Love your neighbor as yourself." I do believe that nowhere in the Holy Scriptures does it lend you the authority to judge in the LORD's stead."
"I will not condone evil, Esme."
"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to acknowledge that there are gray areas. I'm asking you to acknowledge that you are not all-knowing or all-powerful. I'm asking you to be okay with saying 'I don't know.' And I am asking you to be Carlisle, my love; a man whose compassion knows no bounds."
Carlisle looked, really looked, at his wife. "Esme. You have thought about this for a long time."
"It is not only for your children you must offer this grace; I must ask for grace of my own on this matter. There are things I can see that you cannot, my darling. There are parts of me that know this path. I do not believe that what Bella and Edward have done is a sin. I believe it is a…concession."
Carlisle couldn't stop himself from flashing to her, clutching her close to him. "Dear one, tell me your thoughts."
"I love you beyond all reason, Carlisle."
"I know. You tell me that all the time."
"And yet you never hear me. I love you beyond all reason, Carlisle. You must understand. When you raised me to this life, you took my death from me."
Carlisle stiffened. It was incredibly rare for Esme to speak to him about how he turned her. Carlisle will never forget her angelic forgiveness of his craving for her, the way she loved him so passionately it overcame even her newborn bloodlust.
"I am so very grateful to God for allowing me to spend my eternity with you, Carlisle. God is my shepherd to give me a love such as ours. Because of your righteousness, I too, am righteous. But understand this: To be with you, I would have killed humans."
It was an utter shock.
"That's why I never went after them. You turned me into a newborn vampire in the middle of the city. But you also asked me not to kill a human. It was because you asked me to live on the blood of animals that I did so — even as a newborn. I wanted to be worthy of your love, and so I abstained no matter how impossible it was. That is the truth, if ever I have uttered it: my love for you is an impossibility."
Esme had her eyes fixed on his face. She was tracing his features with her eyes like she had a million times, just like she had at their very first meeting.
"I had been planning the jump since I felt my baby cease kicking inside of me, since I had run from Charles and his hell on earth. You took my death from me; it was all I had left, and you stole it away. That alone should have made you my villain, though that is perhaps not the only reason I should have hated you. It alone should have been enough."
Esme turned into his embrace; she took his hand. Her wide eyes looked into his, and she gave him a brief kiss before she continued. Carlisle returned it only absentmindedly, but he did return it. His head was whirling.
"I met you once, Carlisle Cullen, ten years before you turned me into a vampire. Even then, after one meeting, I never found another who measured up to you. I made it known to Charles that I was in love with another when I married him. He used to beg me to love him; he would get violent when I refused. The fight that took my baby from me...it was about you. I can remember every second of it, even now. Charles punched me in the stomach over and over, and when he had me bleeding on the floor with my hair in his fist and the knife to my throat, he asked me if I still loved you. And I laughed. I knew my baby was gone; I knew that he was going to kill me. And still, I laughed and told him I did. I could not have done otherwise. Even then, my life and my death were yours."
Carlisle felt numb all over. What? What? Carlisle and Esme had spoken about her life and death, but she had never revealed such a detailed account. Human memories were supposed to fade away with time. Dear God. He was a fool. But...but why now? What did this have to do with his son's depravity, with Bella's compliance?
"And then? Ten years after you vanished off the face of the earth, I awaken from the hellfire I deserved to find you gazing at me with golden eyes. I was the undead; 'a monster by your hand,' you said. It was hell, a condemnation. I had been damned to an eternal life where you knew I was a monster. But then... then you said those magic words. 'I could not bear to see you die.' and it was like...it was like heaven."
Esme took a deep breath. "There was a part of me...before I agreed to marry you, before that glorious night that made me your wife, there was a part of me that wanted to hate you, — a part of me that catalogued all the reasons I should. You took my death from me. In a sense, you took my baby from me. But I couldn't do it. It wasn't possible, do you understand? It still isn't. Everything, anything you ask of me, my life is yours. And now, our children have this kind of love; Edward and Bella most of all."
"What?"
"Can you not see it? There is nothing they would not do for each other. If you had killed me, if I had never been turned and you had drained me dry, I would not have hated you. If you had taken my baby from me, still, I could not have hated you. You have condemned our human daughter and my most beloved son for my sin. Still, I cannot hate you. In this way, Bella cannot hate Edward. A mother knows – I saw it on her face the moment she realized James was coming after her. All of you were watching him- I was watching Bella. And as for Edward...my love, your son is Vampyr. You are his sire. Isabella Swan is his singer and his only love, but she is Fae and human."
She took a deep breath and kissed her husband passionately; she wanted to give him a tangible, physical reminder that she could not hate him before she spoke.
"There is darkness and light in everyone, Carlisle. Even you. I would not trade our family for the world; I know you struggle mightily with what you have done to find your home, and I believe you have done what is right. But your darkness birthed the darkness you now condemn. Edward is hurt by his vampiric nature in the way you once were; he has not yet found the peace in it that you have."
She pulled away from him. She squeezed his hand and Carlisle remembered all over again that she was his angel.
"Bella will do anything for Edward; her decision to allow Edward to drink from her safely is a concession to his need to love himself. Bella needs this too; but I will let her speak for herself. So, my love, if you are to condemn Edward and Bella for their choices, then I am afraid you must condemn me as well. For they are my children as much as they are yours, and this sin is mine."
Esme kissed Carlisle deeply, her hands on his shoulders and aligned to him completely. She pulled him into her; she ran her thumb along his crinkled brow as though she could remove his burden by touch alone.
"Carlisle Cullen: a man whose compassion knows no bounds. Tell me, my love: do you have compassion for me? I will leave you alone with your thoughts if you wish it."
"No. I have much to consider, but my love for you is steadfast, as it always shall be. I find it deepens by the moment. Stay with me, my angel. I would have your company to temper my thoughts awhile."
No more words were shared. Carlisle put his head on top of Esme's as he sheltered her in his arms and turned his thoughts from the sin of others to his own character. He had discovered a fault in himself, a judgmental self-righteousness he had not seen before. Perhaps it was time he took the advice of his Fae daughter and tried meditation for himself. He did not know what to do, but he would find a way.
Pray For Me
When Edward left behind the breakfast table, he found himself pacing the hallways furiously, left with nowhere to go. He thought about going to the Library, but Edward had no desire to chance an encounter with the head librarian so close to the last time he had slammed a book closed. Jasper and Emmett would find their way to the training grounds eventually, and Rose would be with the kids in the gardens. Esme would be in the kitchens, and who knew where Carlisle or Alice might pop up. He didn't trust himself around any member of his family right now, and more than anything he just wanted to be alone with his desperate thoughts. He flexed his hands into angry claws at his side.
Where could he go?
Of course.
There was one place his family would never think to look for him right now; the one place that all of them would be avoiding at all costs. Edward didn't even wait for the grand staircase to start moving, relishing the push and pull of his stone muscles as he climbed to the Attic.
Edward's family had stacked the books from the ceiling on the long table in the kitchen, but the Attic looked largely the same as it had when Edward had raced to the throne room after Bella—which meant it was mostly destroyed. Huge cracks spread from the crooked balcony all the way to the kitchen. All of the spices were stacked on the counters; the shelves must have fallen in one of the constant earthquakes that Bella had cast through the room. There was a sharp spike of jagged sandstone jutting through the floor between the main room and the kitchen. The couch across from the burned-out frame of the futon was mostly undamaged, but it was half inside a huge maw in the floor. Scorch marks covered the bookshelves and the roof. Thorny vines, now half-wilted, covered every available surface.
Well, it was certainly fitting that the Attic was destroyed, considering the state of his family. Edward was alone, so he let the cynical bark of hollow laughter escape his throat without a fight.
He spied a misplaced piece of orange, a pillow that had been spared the inferno that had consumed the futon. Edward had a flash of memory: Bella's face in too-pale beauty in the moonlight, only moments before all hell broke loose. It brought him to his knees.
He crawled to the pillow across the destroyed living room, suddenly desperate for Bella's scent in his lungs. He leaned against the wall by the doors to the balcony with his eyes on the place where he had stood; he had been so close to his lover, and yet, too far. He brought the pillow to his nose, inhaling desperately. He curled himself onto the floor in the corner and let the tension that had been roiling in his gut since Bella's eyes had turned neon blue pull him under. He shook through it, watching the passage of the sun across the cavern entrance until it was high in the sky.
He was too far from her now. He needed her, needed her here to quiet the whirlwind of his thoughts. Why couldn't his family see that? It wasn't fair. Bella was his, all his, finally. He could have every part of her, she liked it. It was more than he had ever dreamed, a damned miracle.
All it would cost him was the only true family he had ever known.
Emmett was, at least, the most straightforward with his objections. In his mind, Edward was hurting Bella, and that was all there was to it. He didn't think Edward was a villain or a fiend, and he didn't give Bella any twisted reason for wanting it. Love shouldn't hurt, and that was that. Trust Emmett to oversimplify things. Edward would have rolled his eyes and moved on, but Rosalie was not so accepting of Emmett's cut and dry analysis, and that was a problem.
Rosalie was on Edward's side, the band-aid over Emmett's wounding thoughts. But his most troublesome sister was unexpectedly furious that Emmett would label Edward as an abuser. Edward hadn't known that Rosalie thought so much of him, but apparently, he was the first decent man Rosalie had known.
Edward would have found comfort in Rosalie's thoughts, if he hadn't been able to hear Jasper's thoughts too. Jasper was furious with Bella, and if Edward had stayed in the dining hall he would have relieved Jasper of the burden of his thoughts by beheading him. Jasper had painted Edward the victim here, convinced that Bella was pushing him into accepting his dark side and twisting him into someone he wasn't. He had felt a dark sort of longing for death in Bella, one that resonated with him because of Jasper's own struggles with wanting to die. He remembered Maria and the newborn wars and cursed Bella as just another manipulative woman willing to do anything to get what she wanted; in this case, what Bella wanted was her own death. Edward could tell that Alice was getting close to the edge with her husband's condemnation of Bella; in fact, Edward had never seen Alice so angry at his family.
Esme was angry too, but she would follow Carlisle even if she didn't agree with him.
God, Carlisle. Edward groaned aloud and buried his face into the pillow in his hands, letting Bella's scent calm him. For over a century now, Carlisle's faith had been Edward's rudder, giving him direction in a vast and hostile world. He and his father had their disagreements, but they had never fought before. Never before had Edward turned his teeth on his father, never had he been so angry with him. How could Carlisle condemn him for taking Bella's blood when it was freely given? Carlisle was his sire.
It would have been different, yesterday. Yesterday, he wouldn't have been angry at his family for their judgement; yesterday, he would have agreed with them. But that was yesterday, when he didn't know that he could have this. Bella had damned him to hell and condemned him to heaven when she accepted this part of him. Yesterday, Edward hadn't known that he could possess Bella's love and her blood, but today...today he did know that, and he couldn't go back, couldn't un-know it. He didn't want to.
Edward had shared his pain, his triumph, his home and his head with his family for a hundred years. But for once in his long life, the wanting of Edward's heart and the wanting of his monster were one and the same; he would not deny who he was for his family. Bella's blood, Bella's pleasure was worth his soul twice over; the flames of hellfire would be nothing but a sweet reminder that she had touched him, once. He would give his soul for this...he would give his family for this. The truth sat bitter on Edward's tongue.
Edward had been an altar boy, growing up, so long ago. He had prayed every day of his mortal life, and most of his immortal ones. Still, after a century of choosing to believe, Edward didn't know if God existed. If he did, Edward was pretty sure he didn't listen to vampiric prayers- or maybe just not Edward's.
Edward knew he was not a good man. In his experience, few people actually were. At his core, he was selfish, and there was a part of him that didn't care whether he was damned for his sins.
Bella was his.
He let himself focus on that thought, and it soothed the monster in him. For long moments, Edward couldn't move past the furious possessiveness and glorious satisfaction that consumed him. Bella was the most exceptional, interesting person in the universe, and she wanted Edward. She wanted him to lie with her, to take her blood, to carry her burdens and share her life. It was everything.
Edward didn't know if God could hear his prayers, but with Bella's scent in his lungs and the knowledge of everything he could have in his mind, he found himself reaching outward, reaching upwards; hoping that someone wise and forgiving heard him.
The door at the base of the stairs opened quietly, and an angel stepped into view.
The Beautiful & Damned
Bella walked up the stairs with Lizzie on her heels and heaved a deep sigh when she took in the Attic.
"Okay, so I think we've done all we can for today to fortify the defenses and ease the panic. Set up an extra council meeting for next week so that we can adjust our red-box plans in more detail. You and I will take inventory here and be done for today. Looks like we'll definitely be needing some new furniture, but I should be able to fix most of this myself. If we're manifesting furniture anyway, do you think we could widen my office a bit and put in a more comfortable couch?"
"Of course, Bella! I've been dying to replace that awful thing. It's probably too late to put it in today, unless...well... will you and Edward be sleeping there again, or can I arrange to have it put in this evening? I know an earth affinity who can grow trees into the most comfortable expandable pallets you've ever laid on."
Bella responded with an indulgent and sarcastic grin. "Don't go crazy, Lizzie. According to Esme, I'll be sleeping here tonight. I'll let you know how that turns out. I didn't get a chance to ask you, how are the repairs going in the gardens?"
"Some of the flowerbeds have a wilder look to them now, but the first-year air affinities are getting loads of practice with their sharpening skills by cutting down all the new growth that's in the way. There is a new plant in some of the flowerbeds closest to the throne room: some beautiful night-blooming flowers that no one can identify. The healers and the librarians are all in a tizzy about it."
"Hmm, is it a kind of silvery-blue color?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Tell Josephat to check in my records of the plants on the cavern floor; it might be carnivorous. I think I took some notes on it when we were...when the Royal Three were climbing the Impassable Way."
Bella blinked back her sudden tears and cleared her throat. "Anyway..."
Lizzie's face had softened, and she dropped her clipboard, letting it clatter to the floor as she threw her arms around her queen, disregarding the scatter of papers. That startled Bella into a wet laugh.
"Bella... it doesn't change anything between you and the Cullens, right? I mean, being able to talk about Fiore and Adeline now, and now that everyone knows what happened... It's just that you and the Cullens are mad at each other, and I don't really know why. I mean, it's none of my business! ...but I just can't have imagined they'd act this way. People are saying they might leave Camp, that they didn't know and now that they do, they don't want to stay. I don't believe it, it's stupid gossip! I mean, look, okay, what I want to say is..."
Lizzie took a centering breath and pulled away from their embrace, grasping at Bella's forearm in a firm grip. "Bella, you're more than my Queen, you're my friend. You have brought Alexandra to me, the realization of my shattered hopes, and I can never thank you enough for that. But more than that...working with you every day, it's shown me that you're a person, not just a legend. I don't...I don't want you to die. But more than anything, I just want you to know that no matter what, you're not alone, okay? I mean, I'm on your side until...until the end."
Bella straightened her head, nodding seriously before she withdrew her hand. She flicked her wrist, and Lizzie's notes flew into a neat stack that floated in easy reach as the blonde girl pulled away.
"Gentle Elizabeth. Don't worry about me. I'm lucky that those I love will know the truth about me, in the end. I'm lucky to have people like you and the Cullens by my side. I do not fear the other-side, Elizabeth - and neither should you. Death comes for everyone, and I have sent both friend and enemy before me to prepare my way. I will not be alone. There is nothing lost that cannot be regained, and nothing broken that cannot be repaired. I choose to believe that."
She focused, sending her intentions to follow her magicks into the Attic. The vines that ran through the room dissolved into ash and dust. The balcony straightened as the stone beneath them solidified and the cracks disappeared.
Bella crushed the bed to dust too, resettling the surviving furniture so that the room was usable. Then she straightened the kitchen telekinetically, sending a subtle wave of rolling glitter through the bedrooms that cleaned the scorch marks and straightened cast-about items. The books reset themselves on the shelves, the alternate gravity restoring to hold them there; of course, they would have to be organized again, and she would need to check some of the restricted books for any hint of dangerous damage. At least the Cullens could use the table now.
The plants on the balcony were stubborn about confining themselves to the flowerbeds again, but Bella sent an insistent second wave of magick at them and they reluctantly gave up their new growth. The firepit lit itself and the chairs settled around it.
There was something else, too...a crimson presence tangled with her magicks shyly as they repaired the damage to her home.
Edward...
Bella smiled. It seemed she had finally found her wayward lover. She let Edward keep hold of his pillow, carefully avoiding revealing his hiding place by the balcony doors as she adjusted the lights and lit the candles in Adeline's old room. The Attic looked a little bare, but it was infinitely more like the home she treasured than it had been a minute ago.
"See? All better. The small stuff counts, Lizzie. Go on ahead and talk to Josephat about the casualty reports, and then why don't you and Alex go do something fun? Jo is in one hell of a bad mood, you'll need a break after dealing with him. I know this great little restaurant in the Marketplace, they have the best Irish coffee." Bella scratched down directions to the restaurant on Lizzie's papers distractedly. "Just tell Remi I sent you; he's a bit of a night owl, and he doesn't mind staying late. I'll catch up with you again tomorrow. Don't forget to send me the supply reports; it looks like the conflict at Haven will be a long one."
Lizzie treated Bella to a true smile. "Watching you do even simple magicks is a privilege. You always know how to make me feel better. May your aura shine bright for eternity, Isabella."
Bella's grin faded as Lizzie left the Attic, and once the red door closed, she spoke into the quiet space. "...eternity is a very long time."
She walked to the table reluctantly, counting every step in the silent room; she was already feeling the sharp pull- we're alone, he's too far away, my Edward, my lover. She leaned back, canting her hips so that she was braced against the tabletop and crossing her legs at the ankle. She had been avoiding meditation all day, but she needed to do this before she went to him. Her mind could be a fragile and dangerous place, even for her; she would not put Edward in even more danger. She twisted her fingers together nervously and turned her focus inwards.
Damn, her magicks were horribly out of balance. The Master's shadows were long and malicious, forming great arcs of darkness across her mindscape. Her aura was all knotted up, tangled around her traumas and unresolved issues. She took her time, careful to shore up her mental defenses and clear her mind.
A memory of Kaedra's voice in Miami played in her mind briefly—nothing wrong with dressing up for a date a bit, Izzy. It's the ol' razzle-dazzle—give 'em something nice to look at and they won't even notice you're rotten underneath. She packed that damaging thought away quickly, setting it behind the memory of Kaedra's livid reaction from this morning:
Bella had apologized for the scene in the throne room at the daily council meeting, bracing herself for her friends' condemnation. Instead, Marcos had only raised a sardonic eyebrow and reluctantly sighed his easy forgiveness, waving her off and shooting her a concerned look when he thought she couldn't see him. Kaedra's response had been nothing short of passionate and furious.
You are not broken, Isabella Swan, and none of this is your fault. Not even close. There's plenty of blame to pass around, and none of it rests on the shoulders of three desperate kids looking for any way out. If I ever hear you talk like that again, I will do my absolute best to beat those thoughts out of you. Shut up and tell me what we're supposed to do if the Master gets another Shade into the cavern, besides call the Cullens and pop some popcorn.
Bella refocused and inhaled, sending light to disperse the darkness and repairing the worst of the lingering damage from the Master's telepathic attacks, setting each damaging thought behind memories of the belief her people held in her. She was surprised by how much had remained undamaged; how much Edward had been able to keep safe.
On her exhale, she followed the path her affection for him left behind, tracing it deep into her own mindscape. There- tucked into the core of her being, she found it: a shard of Edward's crimson aura. She wrapped the crimson shard in golden magicks, radiating comfort and soothing warmth.
She steeled herself, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning forward so that her hair covered her face. When she spoke, she was careful to keep her tone musing and thoughtful, as though she was speaking to an empty room. She wasn't brave enough to open her eyes.
"No one talks about this part. This is the part where you live every day with your heart in your throat, just praying that nothing comes to take it away, but knowing that something is already coming. The end, that's all they talk about; when it goes down in sword and flame. That all makes it into the legends, into the gossip of the week. They don't talk about how much of it is just waiting and praying that it works out somehow."
She felt a cold fingertip caress her jaw; Edward tilted her chin up and tucked her hair behind her ear with his opposite hand. As he ran his hand through her mahogany locks, he pulled her hair to his nose and inhaled deeply. When she finally opened her eyes, Edward's marble beauty was all she saw. His eyes caught hers; they gleamed honey-red in the light, only a few shades darker than usual. She lost herself in his eyes, drowning in the sorrow and pain she had known she would see. She sent another pulse of dreamy golden comfort to wash over his crimson aura.
"My Bella. It is a cruel god indeed who would not answer your prayers. If I lose you, I will curse his name for eternity."
Bella shook her head at Edward's foolishness. She knew better than to believe his angry words; it was easy to blame God when things were hard. "I bet you don't."
"Why wouldn't I?"
Bella pulled Edward closer so that she could lean her forehead against his cold chest and sent the crimson shard her affection. "Take my word for it. When all hope is lost, when your hands are tied and your back is against the wall...you won't curse God. You'll pray... everyone does. Everyone prays in the end. Our love is God-given, Edward. Don't let the pain make you forget that. Don't let the Master take that away."
Edward kissed her forehead and clutched at the small of her back, letting her warm him. "Everything feels broken."
"I hate it too."
There was a quiet moment where she poured all her serenity into her lover. She felt Edward's head tilt as he finally realized the source of the empathic waves she was sending him. He forgot to inhale before he spoke, and his words came out dropped low; they were a velvet whisper against her senses.
"I can still feel you. Bella—what is this?"
Bella smiled slowly. "You started it."
Edward blinked at her, trying to remember. "I did? I mean, I guess I did. I didn't know what I was doing. I don't really...I just had to get to you- he was hurting you, I had to help you."
Edward felt his body stiffen and shake, but he couldn't seem to make it stop- everything in his head was focused on finding Bella's golden presence in his mind. He was pulling her to sit on the table, tangling both hands in her hair; the knots forming around his fingers helped, she was tied to him. He pushed closer to the source of the comfort glittering in his head, uncaring about anything save the touch of her mind against his.
"...and he was...he was tearing you apart and I couldn't do anything to stop it except try to keep you with me, and then he was everywhere and the echoes wouldn't stop and I just kept thinking-"
He was speed-talking like Bella did sometimes, taking deep heaving breaths so he could go longer without stopping. When he found Bella's golden presence, it immediately wrapped around his mind like a heavy blanket, soothing and warm.
I'm here now. I'm alive and I love you.
Bella pulled his hand to her chest so he could feel the thump-thump-thump of her heartbeat; the panic Edward had drowned in all day finally subsided. He relaxed, burying his head in her neck and clinging to the golden glow in his head.
Bella—I need you. Don't go, little witch. Don't leave me alone in the dark.
Bella's mental laugh was light and airy and rich with joy, and she hooked her fingers in Edward's beltloops, pulling him still closer. The glow in Edward's head felt solid; it had weight to it. It felt... permanent.
I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, Edward. We share part of our mindscape now; you could reach me from anywhere in the universe, and I could do the same. No more running off and leaving me behind. Looks like you're stuck with me, and me with you. What a shame—I'm really torn up about it, can't you tell?
Edward gasped, pulling back to take in her face. "You...you heard me. We can talk like this?"
Uh-huh. "I've gathered that's not how your mind-reading usually works."
"No, it's not a two-way connection. It's more like being in a room of shouting people."
"Yuck. I don't think I'd like your brand of telepathy very much. It sounds like a headache."
"So, this is your brand of telepathy?"
"I guess. Sort of." she squinted, dissatisfied with her comparison too. "More or less. It's stronger than normal, it reaches deeper into my mindscape. It certainly didn't originate from me. Usually, telepathic links don't last this long. They aren't this...comfortable. Telepathic links take a lot of energy to maintain even the most shallow of connections, but this one doesn't take any effort at all. It's just kind of...there. I like it though; I'm itching to explore. Crimson is a good color on you."
Edward could feel Bella's curiosity like an impression in his mind of their first conversations in Forks, a desperate and frustrating hunger to know everything. He grinned and focused on his own feelings about their new connection, reveling in his deep joy at being able to know her in a way he had been denied for too long. He kissed her briefly, enjoying the taste of her pleased surprise on his lips.
"I could use a break from my own brooding for a little while, and I like this way of talking. Tell me your thoughts."
There was a blip in Bella's golden presence, a beat of worry and unknown. "First off, what the hell is a family discussion, and when did Esme get so scary?"
Controlled alarm peaked in Edward's head, making his stomach drop. "Oh no. When is it?"
"Tonight, at sunset."
Edward rested his forehead on her shoulder, light threads of guilt and dread creeping through him. "I'm so sorry Bella, if you can't clear your schedule I can..."
"No, no, no. I don't mind. I agreed to it. It sounded like something where they might listen to us, and that was enough for me. I was just kidding about Esme; though you should've seen Alice's face when she threatened her with khaki. Her eyes were bigger than my plate."
Edward's reluctant chuckle reverberated through his chest and Bella squeezed him tightly with her legs, enjoying the feeling of his laugh moving through her body and her mind. "Khaki? It is serious then. Esme only threatens khaki when she's serious."
She leaned back and looked at him inquisitively. "Wait, so should I gather some notes or something? I mean, is it like a council meeting? Is it like a trial? Do they kick me out if I lose? What happens if I screw it up? Do I not get to have you bite me anymore? Is there...like, do I sign something?"
Edward could feel a tension in her golden presence, and he poked at it curiously. He was startled when Bella stiffened, giving in and showing him the insecurity she had been trying to hide.
"What? No, Bella, it's not like that. Have you never had a family discussion before?"
"Uh, no?"
Edward's head tilted as he thought about it. Bella wasn't afraid, just cautious and puzzled and unsure. The feeling reminded him of how awkward Bella had seemed in Forks about meeting his family. They mattered to Bella, and Edward took a moment to be grateful for that. Now he understood her nervousness a bit better. Edward had a large family, and Bella had never experienced that. Any discussions with Aphroditus would've been in the context of the School or royal duties; conversations with Adeline and Fiore would be between lovers. "What about with Renee or Charlie?"
He met Bella's eyes again when she squirmed. The gold in his mind projected a protective defensiveness and nervousness.
"We don't ... talk ... about this stuff."
"You've said that before. Why not?"
"My parents got divorced, remember? Communication issues come with the territory. Renee and Charlie couldn't agree on what color the sky was, much less anything of importance."
Edward tried not to let the frustration he had always felt in response to Renee and Charlie's apathetic parenting show in his mind, but he knew he failed. Bella's gold drew away from him, tangling with a dark knot of whirling shadow briefly. The knot in her aura was faded and well-worn, and Bella laughed ruefully, with an old and familiar ache hidden behind the noise.
"Don't be too hard on them, Edward. The truth is, Renee mourned me when I left for Miami; with the divorce, Charlie never knew me. He was really strong for mom when I was in the hospital in Phoenix; I was hoping he would be around to help after the end. I guess with Charlie gone now, I'll have to change my funeral arrangements. Mom will have to be the one notified when I die. She'll have to bury an empty casket; she can't ever know what happened to me. My body will have to be burned, anyway. It'd be much too dangerous to have my body remain whole. It'll be hard for her as it is, I'm glad she's already let me go."
Edward didn't try to hide his flinch, his hand spasming around Bella's fingers with bruising intensity before Edward thought to gentle his touch. He knew she could feel the tremble in his fingers.
He clumsily tried to push forward, to get closer to her mental presence where it tangled with the dark whirl of shadowy black. Bella held him away from it gently, and the sensation was a crimson memory across his mind—
He was a toddler, reaching for the open flame of a candle. His mother grabbed his hand softly, cradling it in her palm.
'No, Edward, darling, that will hurt you. I don't want you to get hurt.'
Bella didn't comment on the sudden memory except to cradle his hand in hers and kiss his palm. Her voice turned brighter and the gold in his head did too, drawing closer to his crimson in comfort. Bella left behind the dull ache of emotion she felt for her mortal parents and tangled with him instead, distracting him by sharing the warm feelings of the present moment. She was very content to be tangled with him intimately and enjoying his company.
She cleared her throat and changed the subject. "Anyway. Family discussions are a new thing. What are they like?"
Edward tried to ground himself enough to clarify his thoughts, more preoccupied with the way the waning light of late afternoon cast her collarbones into sharp relief. "More or less like a council meeting, I suppose. Everyone brings their thoughts to the table. They're different in that they come with the implied weight of the knowledge that these are people you love, people who love you. There's negotiation. No notes are necessary, and you won't sign anything - Just be honest. No one is leaving or sending you away. And there's no physical violence unless Alice loses her temper, which is pretty rare, nowadays."
"Ah. So, they do have the authority to tell us that you can't bite me, then." She pulled away, trying to hold her displeasure at the thought away from him; she only succeeded in muting it slightly.
"No, of course not."
It popped out of his mouth before he could stop it, and Edward blinked and shook his head to clear it of the protective rush of possessive jealousy, trying to remember that there were other people in the world besides him and Bella.
"I mean, yes."
That wasn't right either. He heaved a deep sigh. Edward pushed forward with his crimson again as he buried his forehead into the crook of Bella's neck, seeking shelter from his whirlwind of reactions to the conflict in his family. Gold glittered in his head, sheltering him from his own shattered thoughts.
"I don't know. We just listen, and then we think about it before we decide."
Bella tilted his head up and kissed him deeply, desperately, tracing his jaw delicately with her thumbs. She rocked her hips against him just once, but it was enough to make Edward's hips jerk at the birth of heat low in his belly.
"I have decided, Edward."
Edward felt his shoulders slump even as he ran his hand up her torso to her chest, pulling at her magickally-repaired dress. "God help me, so have I."
He traced her features softly, like she would cut him. There was something raw and vulnerable coursing through his crimson now as he considered just how far he would go to keep hold of Isabella Swan. "You've enchanted me completely, little witch. But we will explain. You will not lose your family for this."
Bella paused, her hands on his jaw and her legs wrapping his hips. Edward slipped his hands under her thighs and turned so he was the one braced against the table. She tucked her head into his neck, letting him support her completely with his grip on her thighs. When she spoke, it was muffled and soft.
"My family...God, I was a fool to ever think they aren't my family. But you come first, Edward. You must know by now that you come first."
A greedy part of Edward forced the words past his lips, crimson pulling Bella closer, ever closer. "Am I first before all things, Bella? Am I first before my family? First before the Fae? First before God, before yourself?"
"Yes."
Edward flinched.
"I should never have brought all of you into this. I should have fought this war alone two years ago and died before you ever knew my name. Keeping you with me is the most terrible thing I have ever done, but I couldn't let you go. I can't be anyone but who I am, and I am... poisonous. I cannot give you a quiet life. A century you have lived in peace, choosing not to take a human life because you want to be better than that, and I have dragged you into this war, this hell. I did so knowingly, and I prayed for God to have mercy on me for my sin- but I did it anyway."
She released him, covering her eyes with one hand and leaning back against the wood. The shadows in the room had gone long, the room tinted a soft orange as the sun tipped over the mountain to set on the other side. Bella's face was shadowed in darkness, unreadable and alien as her features were thrown into sharp relief.
"I told you. I told all of you. I can't do this again. I won't. I've made mistakes, yes, but I'm not some helpless damsel. I will fight to keep you by my side. I have blood on my hands, blood that I have spilled for you. I will not lose you; I will not lose our family. I don't care what it takes. Fear me, love me; I don't give a fuck. Nothing will stop me from loving you, Edward. I will not lose our family over this, but I will not be sorry for something you and I have decided to do."
Her golden aura shield cracked slightly, and she knew Edward glimpsed the depth of her pain. She held it away from him carefully. The Cullens were the best people she had ever met, and Edward was her crowning jewel- but just because she lived with the angels didn't mean she was one.
"There is very little that I cannot do, Edward. There are some things I won't do and some things I shouldn't do—but there is very little that I cannot do. I cannot lose you...and I won't lose your family either. Maybe it's time your family realizes the truth about what it means to love me."
Edward felt her grim determination and grabbed at her shoulders; he suddenly worried Jasper was right about Bella's suicidal tendencies after all. "Bella, don't. Don't do something...drastic."
Bella's grin was serene and somehow sharp, like the edge of a knife. Footsteps and faint voices reached Edward from the landing of the grand staircase outside, and her golden presence retreated until it was nothing but an impression of color and Bella in his mind. "Don't worry, Edward. You know I'd never let anything hurt you or your family."
Edward's alarm flared higher. "Or yourself, right?"
The door at the base of the stairs opened and the room gradually became tense as their family determinedly filed into the Attic. Edward disregarded them completely and held her eyes for one more second, hoping she could sense how much she was frightening him. "Right, Bella?"
She turned to face his grim-faced family, already pulling away from their intimate tangle. Edward stepped back automatically, and she hopped to the floor.
She didn't answer him.
Don't Blame Me
Bella didn't look at her new family as she shepherded them all onto the balcony, not even when Esme stopped to thank her for repairing the Attic. She had no desire to see their angry faces, no desire to hold that memory in her mind.
"No problem, Esme. You know, we should really remodel soon, expand things a bit so that we're all more comforta-" She cut herself off quickly.
Right; the Cullens might not want to stay in the Attic with her anymore.
She snuck a glance at Esme from under her eyelashes, but her mother didn't look mad or annoyed, just concerned. She decided to risk being mostly honest; it was hard to keep her mouth shut when Esme looked at her like that.
She preoccupied herself with settling in one of the chairs around the firepit with Edward next to her, still focused on anything but the Cullens.
"I mean, you know...if you still want to stay here, now. You're welcome, you're always going to be welcome, it's just that if you didn't want to, that would..." She forced the words past her lips, somehow. "...that would be okay. You don't have to feel obligated."
Jasper's hands clenched into fists at his side. "You're lying. It wouldn't be okay; I can feel your dread from here. How often do you lie to us, Bella? 'Cause I'm starting to wonder if you've ever told us the truth."
Bella's temper reared it's head and she snapped her head up to take in Jasper's snarl with a sharp glare of her own.
"Do I need to tell the truth all the time for you to trust me? Truth is often hard to find and even harder to share, and I usually find those who know it wish they didn't. I may be a liar, but I tell the truth when it matters."
"You and Maria have more in common than I thought. Tell me, who decides when it matters?"
"I do. Well, you know, except when you pin me to a chessboard and force it into the light; damn the consequences. I know how far you will go for the truth, and trust is a two-way street. You watched the echoes in the throne room same as me, Jasper. You know the truth, now. Do you find my judgement lacking?"
"You don't get to decide when the truth is right for me. I am not your slave."
"You have no idea what you're talking about, which is why I'm going to let you keep your tongue. I am Queen here, and I will fight to preserve your freedom just as I would any Fae citizen."
"You are Queen, here; there are places where that is not so. Maybe it is time that we start talking about whether or not to stay."
"If you choose to leave, Major Whitlock, you will be going alone."
Alice's voice was gentle and determined when it floated to Jasper from where his wife leaned against the balcony railing. Her words gutted him, but the calm assurance in her voice was what shook him to his core.
Jasper immediately turned all his focus to Alice. "Wha-what? Alice, what did you just say?"
"You heard me." Alice flashed to Jasper's side, caressing his cheek with an earnest expression. "No, Jasper. It's you, dear one; it's always been you and it always will be. I love you."
She drew her hand back just enough to land a hard slap on Jasper's cheek, just enough to make him jolt. "But if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to kill you."
She turned to face the group at large, standing between them and where Edward and Bella sat with all the fierceness of a lioness protecting her cubs.
"I mean, you want honesty, Jasper? How's this for some honesty— while you're bitching about slavery and manipulation, we are the ones trying to take away Bella's freedom to choose. You don't speak for her, and...and as much as I love you, you don't speak for me."
Alice seemed to draw in on herself like she sometimes did after a really bad vision, her agitation fading to a panicked stillness.
"You don't understand what it was like...having that vision and thinking that Bella was dead. That she had...that she had killed herself because of what we did. I left all of you behind and went to Forks because it couldn't be true, because a world where Bella wasn't a part of our family wasn't an option. I lied to Jasper, I faced the Volturi and Aro's greed for my gift...and I did it all without even thinking about it! Bella completes our family. She's Edward's mate. But even in Forks, she was...more than that. I will never ever abandon her like that again."
She grabbed for Jasper's hand, pulling him closer and begging him to hear her, to listen to what she was trying to get across so clumsily.
"Bella's ridiculous, she loves so casually no one sees it. Think about it, you'll see it if you look. We slept in her house last night. We live in her world now. Hell, we're alive because of her, and I'm not just talking about the fact that she has saved all our lives at least once. I mean, that's the problem here. You are all so blinded that you can't see the truth, even when it's so fucking obvious. We belong to Bella. She belongs to us. God, Jasper! You're being all high and mighty about Edward biting Bella, and it hasn't been a year since you tried to do the same thing! She forgave you the instant it happened you know. She's never even so much as hinted that you might owe her an apology."
"Jasper doesn't owe me an apolo-"
Alice whirled, sticking her finger in Bella's face. "No talking. You'll make it worse."
Something desperate and hurting crossed Alice's face as she turned to face her family again.
"You are all taking this thing way too far. You're all acting like she isn't our Queen, like this isn't our home. We aren't just vampire anymore, we're Fae too—Because of Bella. You're forgetting who Bella is, and I hate it. She will forgive us for this, too, you know. Completely. She'll spend the rest of eternity pretending that this isn't hurting her, what we're doing right now."
When Carlisle's stony face did not change, Alice stomped her foot and screamed through her teeth; she forced herself to refocus on Jasper before she lost her temper with her father.
"Ugh! There has never been a single future that I have ever glimpsed where Bella wasn't completely loyal to us. She is nothing like Maria, and I am so fucking furious that you all feel like something so dumb as Edward biting her is worth losing her. I love you, Jasper. You are my only, the only one I could ever find love with. But I need you to understand that my loyalties lie with Bella. She earned them."
Gallows
There was a long moment where Edward's family processed Alice's words. When Carlisle finally spoke, his voice was resigned and defeated. "So, that is the choice, then. We must bow to your will, or leave your side? It is apparent you will not be swayed from this path."
"I have fought too hard to make my own choices to let anyone take them from me, Carlisle. Even you. I am not asking you to kneel before me; I would never want you to be my slaves. I am asking you to trust me to do what is right."
"Even unto our deaths? Am I to trust you with my first son's very soul, with my family's eternal destiny and my own?"
"Yes. That's what I'm asking for—it is your choice whether to give it. I will not lead you into the dark, father. I do not abandon my precious people to fall to ruin."
Without warning, a dark voice in her head laughed at her.
Liar.
For a moment all Bella could see was a familiar cage, center-stage in a crowded alley; Demetri's face, twisted in cruelty, flashed across her memory. Master's voice was smooth and cultured, twisting across her thoughts like tangled threads of black silk.
TheMarketplaceStands.
She had to blink away streaks of tar from her vision. Bella shook herself free of the intrusive thought quickly, pushing the Master's smug statement and the despair it inspired far away from her mind.
But Edward was still too new to telepathic magicks to know how to mitigate the effects of the private glitch; the Master's whisper was enough to tip Edward into a blind rage. Bella was out of her seat and intercepting the snap of Edward's teeth in an instant, ignoring his snarl. She pushed him back, hard, and he stumbled over his chair, knocking it backwards onto the floor and nearly tumbling with it. He recovered too-fast and she struggled to keep him from engaging with Carlisle.
"Edward Masen-Cullen—you have to think through it, focus on who you are. Calm down; you're scaring me."
He went motionless immediately. She braced her hand against Edward's chest and his growl got softer. "Edward, you need to find your center. Carlisle is your father; you don't want to hurt him. I'm sorry; Master slipped through my shields for a minute. Come closer to me, love, I can help."
She opened her mind to him and he let her soothe him, pull him away from the dark rage that didn't belong to him with wispy golden ribbons that pulled him closer to the light. After a moment, his body relaxed.
Be here with me, Edward. Don't let him take it away.
...Bella. Stay with me, stay close. I won't let him hurt you. Only I can hurt you, and I never will.
"I know- and so does your family. The Marketplace has nothing to do with this; it is just a scar from a battle lost. You're okay now, I fixed the crack in the wall. My shields are still a little wobbly, I need to meditate more. Everyone chill."
The Cullens released their tense and ready poses, settling back into their seats. Emmett broke in impatiently, throwing himself in his chair and rubbing his forehead. "I thought Edward reading your mind was a temporary thing."
"Yeah, apparently not so much. I'm sorry Edward, I should have warned you; Master is at his most infuriating when he considers himself the winner."
Annoyance crossed Emmett's face. "Don't apologize, Bella. Edward should be apologizing to you. He's hurting you, Bella."
Rosalie smacked his shoulder suddenly. "Emmett, don't you dare start that crap again. Edward is a good man, even if he is a pompous emo-boy. He was one of the first truly honorable men I ever knew, and he's been my brother a long time. He won't do anything to hurt Bella, just like you wouldn't do anything to hurt me."
Emmett turned to his brother reluctantly, rubbing his arm. "Edward, you are a good man; I'm not doubting that. You must know this is about your bloodlust. I worry about how much it has always been about your bloodlust."
"I thought so too, Emmett. I tried so hard to shove it away, and I did; I succeeded in caging the monster. I love Bella wholeheartedly, with or without her blood; surely you must know that by now. But I didn't realize...Bella knows that bloodlust is a part of it. She doesn't..."
Edward motioned to Bella helplessly, fumbling for the right words to explain the sweeping change that came over him when he realized that Bella understood this part of him.
"She doesn't...mind! She likes it. I mean, honestly, what am I supposed to do with that? I know exactly what instincts I'm playing with, but I don't have to cage the monster anymore. Bella loves me, even though I am a vampire. No, wait; Bella loves me, in part because I am a vampire."
He turned to look at Bella, still a little dizzy at what that statement meant. She smiled at his infuriated and hungry curiosity, her gold playfully distancing itself from his mind even as she reached to stroke his cheek. His crimson grabbed for her golden mind greedily before he forced himself to reign in his facial expression and refocus on Emmett.
"I mean, could you do it? Could you resist even as long as I have, and now to be offered your singer's blood so freely? It may be a sin, it may not be, but Bella likes it, and I am vampyr. If I am damned, so be it."
"Is that so, Bella?"
"Yes." Bella's face was kind, but her words were firm and clear. "Emmett. Listen to me. I liked it when Edward bit me. I wanted him to."
Emmett's thoughts were worried and confused, but not angry. He was genuinely surprised by Bella's straightforward answer. "Why?"
Bella hummed in consideration. "What you must understand is, I have every elemental affinity. My magick is overwhelmingly powerful in a lot of ways, and then the Master twisted it all around in knots as he tried to turn me into his weapon. Sometimes, even I'm not sure what will happen when I cast. I just throw my intentions at something and hope for the best. Even before the Master came, I would get lost in my own power sometimes. Fio and Addy helped as much as they could, but Edward is the only one who has ever been able to keep my nightmares away or get me to stop and think before I do something drastic and usually impossible."
"But Edward does something else too, something he's not even aware he does. Can I show you something?"
She waited for them to nod before she swept a hand through the open air.
Small spinning orbs of golden fire swirled to life from the firepit, orbiting around them in a levitating circle. The flames danced lazily, getting faster and faster before they began to spin in a circle around each member of his family like little planets. Alice giggled and reached out to skim her fingers through hers before Jasper could stop her. Alice smiled at him pointedly when the flames did not burn her. Instead, scenes flashed all around her, tinted in the white glow of the Sight.
The other orbs showed different scenes: Edward recognized a scene from the echoes of Bella's past in one of the balls of flame, while another contained Bella's mindscape. One was an image of a wide river and a misty shore, and another was just an empty desert that was somehow haunting. Another was too bright to look at, throwing multicolored flames into the air. Another showed them in their circle around the balcony from a bird's eye view.
"There were times, even before the Master came, when I couldn't quite tell which plane of reality I was on. Past, present, future; mental, physical, spiritual, magickal...it all gets jumbled up in my head. After the Master came, it got even worse. Now I have to figure out not only what plane I'm on, but who's really in control. It's exhausting."
As the different realities in her mindscape flashed around them, Carlisle blinked at her in epiphany. "A reality index. That's why Josephat is always asking you about a reality index. I've heard you give really low ratings before."
"Well, yeah. It's a lot to keep up with, and it's constant. I've been doing pretty good lately; but all it takes is a moment to crash and burn. When I was in the throne room, I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. All of you help tremendously. You're a fixed point, something to focus on. You are my family, in any reality. But no one helps like Edward."
"Me?" Edward took Bella's hand.
"Being around Edward...even just knowing he exists in this reality...my reality index goes up two points every time Edward says my name."
Edward felt the gold in his head spike to a higher frequency, and he shot Bella a startled glance as he squeezed her hand instinctively. "Bella."
In response, the gold shard in his head quit vibrating with such intensity; Bella came back down to a frequency he recognized and turned to look at him like he was all that mattered in the world.
"When Edward bit me, it was like...it made me one hundred percent sure this is real. It's like waking up. It's incredibly comforting. It grounds me, let's me know I am his and he is mine."
Carlisle finally broke the frozen pose he had held since Edward had attacked him, leaning forward intently and shattering the arms of the chair with his grip. When he spoke, it was hissing rage.
"You use my son like a drug. You are asking Edward to live with red eyes in his reflection so that you can moderate your power."
Edward growled at his father in warning. "If you think I would not damn myself a million times over to save Bella an ounce of pain, you are wrong, father."
"She will damn herself and take you with her, and I will mourn you both for eternity. What happens when you kill her, Edward?"
Bella narrowed her eyes, her own anger pooling dangerously somewhere low in her gut. "Edward won't kill me. The magicks will ensure I do not undergo the change, and Edward would never hurt me like that."
"You will burn in hell for this, and you have taken my son with you."
"Ah, and the Carlisle from the monasteries comes out to play. Did I cut a little close, perhaps? I see you, Carlisle Cullen. I have Seen futures for you that would raise goosebumps on even your stone skin."
"You steal Edward's soul and endanger your own each time his teeth touch your veins. He will become a monster by your hand."
It was all Bella could do not to roll her eyes. "There's no such thing as monsters. Mortal, Fae, or Vampyr: people are defined by their choices. I will not let you take mine from me."
"Are you a demon? Are you a succubus or a priestess of some angered god? Why do you require my son's soul as sacrifice?"
"I am trying to save Edward, not sacrifice him! Why do you get to define what is good and what is evil, what is right and what is sinful? For god's sake, Carlisle! You're Edward's sire. If you insist on imagining your son as some kind of salivating fiend, then the blame lies just as much with you as with me. If you want to paint me as some kind of evil seducer, go ahead, but don't drag Edward's character into this. You know Edward, and you know me. I'm a person, Carlisle, same as you. You wanted to help me carry my burdens, right? Well, ta-da, asshole. Pick something up and start walking. You've certainly fallen a long way from 'you are my daughter, no matter what' and 'I would not have you be anyone but who you are'. It's good to know your promises are so fragile, I'll be sure to remember that. I can't be your daughter and your devil, Carlisle."
Bella was really going now, unable to stop the cruel truth from spilling past her lips; her anger had been gaining momentum all day, and now it was peaking in her mind.
"What if I am a demon, evil by my very nature and trying to fight it? Would you turn your back on me? Is all this talk of good and evil in vain? Maybe I should lay down and die, spare myself the trouble of trying now that the good Lord and Carlisle Cullen have declared me irredeemable. You should burn me at the stake: I am a witch."
Carlisle flinched.
"Maybe you would prefer "daddy" over "father" after all. I don't need another person to pat me on the head and steal my voice when I'm not looking. Aphroditus would be proud. God, you're all the same. Everything is hunky-dory until I screw up or I make a choice you don't agree with, and then good-bye dolly. Well, I'm nobody's puppet. And I don't have a Master."
She stepped into Carlilse's personal space, eyes gold flames and narrowing. "You know what? Fine. You want me to play a bad bitch: I'll show you bad. We're going to the battlegrounds. Let me show you what evil looks like."
She clapped her hands; they disappeared.