"I had a lover who was once Russian. He once told me that vodka is to Russians as therapy is to Americans."
"Yeah, something habit forming and expensive that totally destroys your ability to lead an authentic life."
Six Feet Under: In Place of Anger written by Christian Taylor
HER BURNING HEART
The Story of Lilia
Derevko by JetNoir
Note: I realise the above quote might seem a little strange to some Russians and Americans, but it nicely fits with this chapter. After the last, rather harrowing one; Lilia is about to find life moves on - whether she wants it to or not.
CHAPTER TWELVE - Fallout
8th May 1995
University Hospital; Washington, D.C.
Doctor Willis looked at Lilia and frowned. Running a hand through his rapidly thinning hair, he sighed reluctantly, and walked over to the desk where Lilia was filling out paperwork.
"Lilia," he said softly. She looked up:
"Yes, Doctor?" Lilia's eyes were sad, the rest of her features cold. Not unfriendly - but empty. Sad. Lonely.
"Lilia. Look, you don't have to be here. You've finished you're exams, and you're training. I know you were considering the 'three professional years' but you've pretty much done that. You've still got your dissertation to hand in. You are pursuing a doctorate aren't you?"
"Yes."
"How's it going?"
"Alright. I've just got to pad it out. The bones are there."
"Then go home, for crying out loud. You've lost James, everyone understands how close you were. Take some time. You need to grieve. Lilia, you don't need to be here. I'll put you on paid sick leave myself."
"Thankyou Doctor Willis…but I need to be here. I have to be doing something."
"All right. If you want to go home early, just let me know." He smiled, and turned to leave.
"Doctor Willis?" called Lilia. Willis swivelled around, and Lilia continued, "If you don't mind…could I ask a personal question?" Willis nodded, "You disappeared. When you were in Australia. Could I possible ask why?"
Willis smiled again, looking slightly embarrassed. "Basically," he said, "basically I just wanted to be lost."
"Yeah," said Lilia, "I know the feeling."
--
10th May 1995
Airport; Washington, D.C.
"Your visa is in order, valid for four months."
"Thankyou very much," said Anna Derevko, picking up her belongings. She had been saving for years now - ever since her last visit - and due to the sad news that had befallen Lilia, she was glad she had.
Walking through the desks, she collected her suitcases (groaning slightly with the weight), and headed outside.
Where Lilia was waiting for her.
--
Mother and daughter were again joyfully reunited, but it was overshadowed by Lilia's pain. Perhaps because of Anna's prolonged absences in Lilia's life, it was she who noticed how different Lilia was, and how much she had changed in the year since they had last met. Winona - who saw Lilia every day - could not have noticed it. Subtle, over every day. But an absence of a year was enough for it to make a difference.
Anna kept to her own council, though. She didn't want to tip over an already bubbling pot.
Right now, she was here to care for her daughter, and care for her she would.
--
Late May - Early June
And in truth, Lilia needed looking after. She was close to completely breaking down. Racked with unimaginable guilt because of James' death, and the murders she had committed, she retreated into a shell of her own devising; throwing herself into her dissertation; or just reading a book, as still as a statue, the only movement from her hands, turning over the pages.
She ate, but reluctantly, as if she couldn't be bothered. Her depression was deep, complex, and impenetrable.
So Anna and Winona cared for her, as Lilia forced herself to continue living a life which held no point for her anymore.
--
10th June 1995
Lincoln Memorial; Washington, D.C.
The breeze blew Lilia's long brown hair out behind her. She threw her head back, and took a long drink from a water bottle.
"Don't do that, dear," said Anna.
"What, mum?"
"Don't throw your head back. It's so fragile."
"Alright, mum."
They just sat there, silently, content in their own company, watching the world go by.
Until…
"Lilia. I know you're deeply depressed. Well, what I was wondering: do you think therapy might help?"
Lilia turned to her mother, her beautiful eyes empty, and shook her head: "No. Mum…I lost the person I loved. I loved James with all my heart. I…I just need to move on by myself. I need time."
"I understand," said Anna, "and Lilia. I know how private you are. Especially because of what Constantine was like. But if you need to talk…well, I'm here."
"Thankyou," said Lilia, and she truly meant it. There was another pause, and then Anna said:
"By the way. How's your dissertation going?"
"Handed it in today."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you. It's quite good…I rather like it."
"Do you know when you find out the results?"
"Fifteen days."
"That's a bit quick," said Anna.
"Yeah, but there's only two of us that are going for it. I've already passed the boards exams."
"Yes," replied Anna, smiling proudly, "the only person in ten years to score perfect marks."
Lilia smiled a little too: "Well, I thought it was the easiest exam in ten years. I sat all of the previous ones for practise, and I didn't do as well. Just enough to pass."
--
25th June 1995
Home of Winona Davies and Lilia Derevko; Washington, D.C.
There was much vodka drunk tonight, and Lilia, Anna and Winona all slept soundly.
Lilia had been awarded the doctorate
And so Doctor Lilia Derevko (though it would not be official to her graduation) allowed herself to relax a little. She was quiet, and peaceful, though still very sad. She had been whisked off to a Russian restaurant as soon as the results had been opened, in the late afternoon. They had ate and drunk plenty, and Lilia allowed herself to enjoy it a little. Lilia didn't come here often, it made her too homesick, but with Anna here it didn't matter so much.
Now, at home, her Aunt and Mother were asleep, (and snoring, which was rather irritating), and Lilia was tired. For once her insomnia wasn't affecting her so deeply. So she put down her book, switched off the light, and fell to sleep, sweetly, in the snoring of her family.
--
30th June 1995
Just outside University Hospital; Washington, D.C.
"Congratulations, dear." Lilia turned, and her face fell. The woman who had just spoken was called Leigh Wilkins, and she was James's mother.
"Hello, Mrs Wilkins. How are you?"
"I'm alright dear. Alan is fine as well, by the way, he's here somewhere. How are you holding up?"
"As well as too be expected, I suppose."
"Of course. Well, like I said, many congratulations." She leaned over, and kissed Lilia's cheek. Then, perhaps as an afterthought, she added: "Don't blame yourself, Lilia. You couldn't possible have known. And please don't avoid us."
With that, she turned and walked off. Lilia had no idea why they had come…unless they had come to see her graduate.
Lilia didn't know what to do, or what to say - and the day could only get stranger.
She looked back, at the bright green grass, and the stage she had been on only minutes before. She was now Doctor Lilia Derevko, with three years (almost) experience as a nurse, and a boyfriend who had died in front of her.
Where would she go from here? She just didn't know what to do with her life.
No idea at all.
--
Home of Winona Davies and Lilia Derevko; Washington, D.C.
The shrill metallic ringing jerked Lilia out of her thoughts. She was still wearing her graduation gown (minus the cap), and getting up was a little bit of a struggle from the living room chair.
"I'll get it," she called to Anna and Winona, who were in the kitchen. Moving towards the hall, Lilia pushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear, and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Lilia. This is Matthew Reeves. May I express my condolences for your loss, and my congratulations on your doctorate. Very well deserved."
"You," snarled Lilia, her voice filled with venom, "what the hell do you want?"
"Aptly mentioned. I realise you are in a state of hell at this moment. I wish to help you. I would like to talk."
"What do we possible have to talk about?"
"Come and find out. My rented accommodation is at," he told her the location, "Please arrive at midnight tomorrow. Bye now." The phone went dead, and Lilia slowly replaced the receiver.
She despised herself…this man was one of the causes of James' death. No, she shook her head, that was purely her own fault.
So, hating herself more, she came to the understanding that she would go…
Note: To be continued! This chapter was finished on the 20th May - so there's one month to go to my two year anniversary as a fan fiction writer. What's scarier, however, is this story was started precisely eleven months ago. (Except of course for the two months I was computer-less!) So I am hoping to finish on that date, one month from now - as well as DayNight and A Hole In The Head (but there are only three chapters of those combined, so it's not so much). Then of course, I'll merge again into the concluding story in the series. I wrote at the start that this would get confusing - and I was certainly right. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please review.
Disclaimer: Hannibal is copyright to Thomas Harris; and the story, plus original characters to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page (that includes links) without my express written permission. Thankyou!
JetNoir