Willow sat herself on the edge of the desk and looked down at Buffy. The girl was in a world of her own.

"Buffy?"

She sighed and tried again.

"Buffy!"

The Slayer almost jumped out of her chair. Relaxing as she realised it was just Willow, she put a hand to her rapidly beating heart and leaned back again. Willow frowned.

"Are you ok? You seemed like you were miles away."

Buffy smiled distractedly.

"I kinda wish I was. Instead, I'm just sat in here, full of the deep and meaningfuls. All this… It's just so confusing."

Willow crossed her legs and rested her chin in her hands, waiting for her friend to continue. After a few moments silence, she dutifully did.

"It was just that when Lorne said it was too late and I thought I'd lost Angel for good, it killed me. It was like my whole world had come crashing down. Losing Spike was never like that but I loved him too, just not in the same way. Now they're both right in front of me, and I have a boyfriend who I haven't even told I'm here, and Angel has a girlfriend and I'm just so confused! Will, what do I do?"

Willow shrugged.

"It depends what you want. I mean, as much as I want my vicarious smoochies, you need to be sure who you want to be all smoochy with. Being with Angel would make him go all grrr again, but I know you still love him. He was your big love, Buffy, and your first. You two will always have that connection holding you together. With Spike, well, I honestly have no idea what all that was about. And now… Well, are you happy with The Immortal?"

Willow cringed. She hated that name and she didn't particularly like him either. Pompous didn't even begin to cover it as far as she was concerned. Buffy looked up at her with an understanding smile.

"I know you're not exactly Immy's biggest fan Will, but we have fun and he makes me laugh. I never got much of the funny with Angel. I mean, we got together and it ended up with him trying to kill all my friends and family, and me sending him to Hell. Hardly the basis for a great relationship."

At the memory, Buffy drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms tight around herself.

"But I loved him so much and you're right, that never leaves you. He was right to leave though. How could we ever have a future together? He'd just stay the same while I'd grow old and wrinkly and I'd end up hating him for it. Plus we could never… You know…."

She looked away shyly as she sighed.

"Even after all that though, I always hoped… God, I don't know what I hoped for but it was something with him. I don't know what or why but it's not like it matters anymore. He's found someone else now, someone he seems to love."

Willow smiled at her best friend.

"Just like you have."

Buffy averted her gaze and Willow raised an eyebrow.

"You don't love him, do you?"

The Slayer shrugged guiltily.

"It's not like I don't care about him at all, it's just that I'm not there yet."

"Will you ever be?"

"I don't know. He's gotten so smothering recently, plus there's the whole immortality problem again. Not to mention the name. I really doubt I ever will, at least not with him. And it's not like you can force it. I tried to with Spike and he knew it wasn't real. That's not fair on anyone."

Willow glanced at the vampire through the glass, catching his eye, though he quickly looked away.

"Have you actually spoken to Spike yet?"

Buffy followed Willow's gaze and glanced over her shoulder.

"And what would I say? Sorry I left you down in the Hellmouth to die a painful death all on your lonesome but I didn't want to die and I didn't love you but good to see you're back, although I've no idea why that is or what I feel about it…"

Willow took her hand and squeezed it slightly.

"I know all this is hard and confusing but you really should talk to him."

Buffy snorted with laughter.

"Which one?"

"All of them. You've got to figure out what you want."

Buffy leaned back in the chair again, folding her arms with a childish pout.

"I know what I want and that's a quiet, easy life. Think you could magic one up for me?"

It was Willow's turn to snort with laughter as she returned to her books.

"Join the queue."

oooOOOooo

Angel leant against the wall, the cell phone ringing in his ear, as he prayed Nina would pick up. Eventually, that familiar voice sounded.

"Hello?"

The smile erupted across his face and he knew she could hear it all those miles away.

"Nina? It's me, it's Angel."

He heard her relief in the sudden burst of laughter.

"Oh thank god, you're ok! I was so worried. We saw all that fighting on tv. It wasn't gangs was it? That was demons and everything, that was why you sent me away wasn't it?"

He sighed, again remembering everything that had happened.

"Yeah, yeah that was why. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I just couldn't risk anything happening to you because of what I was doing. I needed to know you were safe."

He could hear the smile on her face and it kept his own glowing.

"And now? Is it safe to come home yet?"

"I'm sorry Nina, not yet. It's not over."

She sighed loudly and he swore he could hear her roll her eyes.

"It's never is."

She paused and he could feel the weight of the next question before it even left her lips.

"Is everyone else ok? How's Wesley doing? And Gunn?"

He slid down the wall, sinking to the ground as he felt their loss all over again.

"Oh God, Angel, what happened?"

"They… They're both…"

Angel felt the tears rise again and this time he couldn't stop it. Sobbing hard, he heard Nina's soothing voice at the other end telling him he'd be ok, that he'd get through it. He almost believed her.

He gathered himself together and swallowed back the tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Oh baby, there's no need to say that to me or anyone. They did what they had to do, same as you. I love you and I just wish I could be there for you."

He wiped his sleeve across his eyes.

"Don't take this the wrong way but I'm glad you're not here. This way I know you're safe."

He wanted to tell her that he loved her too but the words stuck in his throat. He closed his eyes and all he could see was Buffy. He realised Nina was still talking.

"…just glad you're ok and you're safe, that you got through it. Just promise me I can come home to you soon."

He forced a smile on to his lips, purely for her benefit.

"You'll be the first to know as soon as it's all done."

There was a pause at the other end and he knew she was considering telling him to walk away, to not put himself in danger again.

"I love you, Angel."

He swallowed hard, his head in his hands.

"I… I'll call you soon."

He could feel the hurt and disappointment when he didn't return the sentiment.

"Look, Nina, I'm sorry but - "

She cut him off, her voice quiet.

"I understand Angel and it's ok. It's really ok. Just keep yourself safe, even if it's not for me."

The line went dead and all he could do was stare at the cell phone in his hands as the guilt overwhelmed him.

Angel sighed as he got to his feet, shoving the phone back in to the pocket of his jacket as he walked back down the corridor. Standing at the top of the stairs, he looked down at the group milling around the lobby from the shadows.

Giles seemed to be quizzing Illyria about something, Xander was lying face down on the counter flicking through a book the size of a house, Spike and Connor were talking on the sofa, and through the office window he could see Buffy and Willow laughing together.

Angel felt his mind wander back to what Cordelia had said to him in the alley.

"I moved on, Angel, and now you need to as well. Properly. Not like what you were doing with Nina. You might have burnt some bridges in the past but it doesn't kill the love. It never dies. When you see her again, you'll know that. So tell her."

Cordelia had known he didn't really love Nina. That all he wanted was Buffy, always Buffy.

He turned away from the lobby, so deep in thought that he just letting his feet guide him. All those years without Buffy, he started to…

To what, he chastised himself, to forget?

He could never forget but he had moved on. He had loved Cordelia but that was over before it had even begun. There'd been that whole mess with Darla but at least it had given him Connor. And now he had Nina. She was beautiful, she was sweet, kind, caring and a werewolf, which meant she understood better than anyone the struggle he faced being a vampire with a soul in this world.

But he didn't love her, not really, not the way she wanted him to. After all, he had never achieved that one moment of happiness with her and he knew he wouldn't before he was even put in that situation. He could never love anyone the way he loved Buffy, the woman he could never really have. There was no future with her.

But all the time they had been apart, he had always hoped that maybe one day… The prophecy about the whole shanshu thing had only served to crystallize that feeling. The knowledge that one day he might become human again, that he could be with Buffy, it had spurred him on and made his fight for redemption all the more bearable.

But the Senior Partners had forced him to sign that future away. He had lost that chance, just like he lost Buffy.

Angel stopped suddenly, realising where he was. His old room.

He pushed the door open and was forced to stop by the memories that came crashing down on him.

Lorne singing, Fred's big brain theories, Kate threatening him, Gunn's fighting talk, Connor's crib, Wesley's translations of ancient languages, Darla, lying on the bed with Cordelia discussing his son's future… So many things had happened in this room with so many people that he had loved and lost.

Angel slumped on to the bed, ignoring the cloud of dust that billowed up around him. And as the whole room began to shake and the ceiling came crashing down, he could barely find the strength to care.