Not too funny, just me venting TOS style about the computer crisis. I let my evil side out a bit, or maybe let my inner Kvar play for a bit. I do not own Kratos, Kvar, Magnius, Anna, or any of the other characters that exist in TOS, however I do own Kasan… Since I am Kasan. Completely random, anti-cannon, stupidity to follow.

Siccing Desians on Dell

"Mass destruction, devastation, and torture." Kvar's eyes began to light up with every word he repeated till they seemed to glow with pride. "I love you Kasan-sama!"

"I find this disturbing." Forcystus sighed, staring at the hearts floating over Kvar's head. "Why me, why not Magnius?"

"Magnius is... occupied." Kasan ran a hand through her hair and smiled sheepishly at the Desian cardinal.

"You mean he's under ten feet of sod as you bumped him off." Kvar cackled. "She's killing off the useless ones, then it will just be me left, me to rule the world and…"

"Useless?" Forcystus frowned; his canon arm thing began to glow.

"Guys, cool it." Kasan gave both Desian's a long hard look. "My computer's trashed but I'd appreciate it if the rest of the room stays as is."

"You like having mountains of paper in piles on every surface that isn't covered with trinkets or pencils?" Forcystus muttered to himself.

"Don't make me Raine you." Kasan growled. "I need villains and you two were the only ones available."

"Why not Rodyle?"

"I have a leash on Kvar, a tight leash that's named Kratos. On the other hand being the, oblivious to everything save his plans, arrogant, SOB, that he is Rodyle doesn't even know that Kratos is a Se-"

"Is a Se?"

"Is my… servant?"

"That sounded like a question."

"Forcystus, why don't you go ran sack the kitchen or something." Kasan firmly shoved the one armed man to the door leading to the hallway. "Just head to your right, it's on the left hand side after the bookshelf."

"I don't have a-"

The door slammed shut.

"Let a little something slip did you?"

"Kvar, shut up!"

"But I'm being evil…"

"You got enough of that in DES thank you very much."

"Ohhh… do I smell fear?"

"You take one step towards me and I'll sic Kratos on you."

"Hmm… I think I see where I get it from, you can be a sadistic little…"

"Finish that sentence and say hello to Kratos and Anna, both armed with jagged knives, you tied up on a table for half an hour."

"Anna's dead."

"Resurrection fic, I think I'll title it "Vengeance"."

At those words Kvar paled and became more tame then the meekest quietest thing in Sylvarant, Tethe-alla, and Earth combined. Meekness not being Kvar's thing it held for five seconds.

"I hate you." Kvar grumbled.

"Ditto."

"Ditto?"

"Slang, never mind way too complicated for you to get."

"So who is this Dell person you want us to-?" Kvar crossed a finger over his throat and made a noise reminiscent of someone choking on their own blood.

"It's an organization, and I bought a computer from them almost seven months and they've had to replace the thing three times and send repair people out every few weeks cuz it keeps breaking."

"How's that relevant?"

"The Story, your lives, all in that computer, and you know that kick tail chapter/fighting scene against you Lloyd, Kratos, and Colette it's gone now cuz Dell's computer fried."

"The one where I stab Kratos in the back and twist the blade?" Kvar's eyes went puppy wide and were wounded.

"Un huh."

"You will be re-writing it wont you?"

"I dunno I just don't remember how it went…"

"But it's the only chapter I kick Kratos' butt… he cuts me to ribbons after…" Kvar sniffled.

"You pouting… scary." Kasan scooted back.

"Hey, just because I personify your fears of the ultimate corruption of human nature…"

"Huh?"

"Obsession, sadism, bloodlust, cruelty, insanity… If you didn't know that than you and your subconscious need to have a very long talk."

"How can I talk to my subconscious, it's below the conscious, it's impossible to communicate to."

There was a long thoughtful silence.

"I could surgically remove it." Kvar said brightly, and then scooted a little closer to the disgusted authoress.

"I swear to God I'll call Kratos if you move one inch closer to me…"

"HEY KASAN WHAT ARE THESE BLUE CANS TITLED PEPSI FOR!"

"I hate mid-evil society based characters…" Kasan sighed. "You drink them Forcystus!"

"HOW?"

"For the love of… BRING ONE IN HERE AND I'LL SHOW YOU!"

"Is that all you'll show…"

"That's it, Kratos!"

There was a flash of red light not too dissimilar to the light that summoned a pokemon in the anime series.

"Why do I have this sudden urge to say my name like a battle cry?" The seraphim muttered. "I was busy you know."

"Well excuse me, at least you weren't in the shower."

"Not that she'd not like to see that, rabid fan girl that she…"

"Kvar problems?" Kratos muttered, ignoring the Desian to address the writer.

"And then some could you?"

"With utmost pleasure." Cricking his knuckles the seraphim strolled up to Kvar who was turning very pale.

"Nothing permanent, you have to wait seven chapters before you get to make it permanent!"

"Seven chapters?" Kratos whinned.

"Seven chapters!" Kvar screamed in terror. "Just seven, but I'm your favorite!"

"Umm hate to break this to you but you aren't. I actually hate you more then Calista from Coldfire, and that guys been holding the top spot for like… five years."

A portal shimmered into existence.

"Nooooo!" Kvar was dragged off, leaving claw marks in the carpet.

"I brought the Pepsi, and a few other things!" Forcystus chirped, opening the door. Seeing Kvar being dragged off by a winged human the Desian dropped the food.

"A human Seraphim?"

Kasan sighed, picked up the dictionary and whapped the Desian on the back of the head. Forcystus' eyes glazed, he staggered forward and fell on the carpet.

"If you could take him with you." Kasan pointed the Forcystus. "Brain wash him into forgetting everything please."

Kratos, Kasan's TOS muse, nodded.

"On one condition; stay out of the Oreo's and Pepsi, you'll get sugar rush and write some evil drizzle like that Mary-Sue creature and me."

"Promise on my author's honor." Kasan crossed her fingers behind her back.

"Good," Kratos nodded, appeased, and chucked Kvar through the portal then went to Forcystus and grabbed the man by hthe scruff of his tunic and dragged the green haired elf to the glowing gate. "You might want to try the other fandoms, no offense but these guys are all going to be dead in like a month so and except for Yggdrasil, well there all wusses…"

"Pokemon… way too innocent and fluffy to work, and Giovanni's retired and wasn't a murderer by chose so he wouldn't work anyways. Castlevania… I have to have a fic or it won't work…. Starfox, I'm not bringing that out ever again, lessee… Oh Ganondorf, he'll work!"

"The dark skinned pyromaniac?"

"If you consider it they burned me with this crappy deal."

"Poetic justice?"

"Hee hee… poetic justice and then some."

"I worry about you sometimes." Kratos said dragging the Desian to the gate. "Whatever you do I don't want to hear about it."

"Squeamish?"

"No, I just know how that little, twisted, demented, vengeful, mind runs itself."

"Hey I can be nice! You had Anna for thirty nine chapters!"

"You made me into a suicidal, homicidal, emotionally stunted, and slightly demented character after my wife's death." Kratos growled.

"Scratch slightly and then you'll know why all the fan girls love you!"

"You're all crazy." Kratos grumbled, going through the portal. "When your time comes you'll regret it!"

"My time will never come!"

Little did they know how wrong Kasan was.

(sequel to this comming soon, will be titled TOS horror)