Teh ph34r
More bizarre then funny… but I've been wanting to write this for some crazy reason. Warning: ton of Zelos bashing and self insertion within. Title like the rest of this fic is completely random but what can you do, when the mood seizes you... OK me... you write crazy like.
Sequel to Mary Sue (the first story in the archive)
"'lo…" Yawning, the brown haired human looked up from the computer and stared at the gapping Seraph. "Mornin' Yuan!"
"Who the Hell are you!"
"You said that to Lloyd… it's getting really old Yuan."
"How did you know about that!" The blue haired seraph sputtered.
"Looong story, anyway, thank for letting me borrow your computer, um the "Angelic Mural" writing program is "Windows" compatible right?"
Yuan blinked, seeing the look of total confusion Kasan sighed.
"Never mind, I'll just save on my disk and you can have your computer back."
There was a hiss of the swallow being drawn and Kasan gulped as the blade rested against her throat.
"I've heard about you. I've been wondering why the eclectic bill sky rocketed this last month!"
"Heh… You know the Renegades come in and plays minesweeper at night, right?"
"Kratos told me all about you-" Yuan went on, deciding to ignore the minesweeper comment for now. "-he's going insane with Zelos for company for all eternity!"
"And do what?" Kasan shrugged. "He started it!"
"And you called my lines old? That has to be the most infantile juvenile line…"
"Great… now you show off your vocabulary, well you can just shut it Yuan!"
Lloydism!
"What the Hell was that!" (Need any ask who said that?)
"A mysterious voice that echoes. It comes from no where and everywhere at once." Kasan snapped. "Really Yuan, it's a god-mode trick that only authors can use in the given universe that they crea… tuh… Wait a second… This is Shards right… or did I type the wrong address again?"
Ohhh Shards updateupdateupdateupdate UPDATE!
"Shards?"
"Even longer story… actually ten hundred million pages now."
"That's long, and you wrote it?"
"Am writing. It's a WIP."
"WEhpuh?"
"Work in Progress. I'm only on chapter 200, the one where Lloyd ties his shoes."
"Don't you have a life?"
"No, why do you a-" Kasan sighed. "You talk like it's a bad thing or something. And when did you start talking like Kratos?"
Kawiii fan-UPDATE!
There was a flash of light and when it dissipated Yuan was in a bright pink… frilly (did I mention pink?) dress.
"Oh my…" Kasan, began to chuckle.
Yuan screamed like a girl and ran off.
Hee hee… If I bring Kratos back it can be a Yaoi fic…
"Woah woah, non Canon, it aien't happening on my watch! And how the heck are you going to pull it off?"
… need to evacuate Derris Kharlan 'fore impact then….
"Before impact, you'll smash Symphonia to bits if you throw Derris Kharlan-!"
The shinny purple thing… The voice interrupted.
"Derris Kharlan." The author growled. "Is twice the size of Symphonia!"
Oh… well they could move to Derris Kharlan and live happily ever after…
"Stupid rabid K/Y fanatic…."
I heard that!
"Like I care!" Grumbling Kasan sighed and summoned a portal that would take her to Derris Kharlan… alas it had been changed by the cracker…
"Oh my god… no… I'm not going in there."
"It's the song that never eeeeeeends! It goes on and on my frieeeeeends! Someone started singing it never knowing what it waaaaaaas!"
The white portal was turned a bright pink. Screamed out from that cotton candy hued expanse were bright cheerful lyrics of the most annoying of Colette's song collection. The volume was comparable to headphones maxed out with heavy rock music playing.
Kasan whimpered. "Is there no other way?"
The portal kept on singing, and since it was "the song that never ended"… well the song never ended.
"Must remember to take cyanide next time I go into potentially eternal portal loop…" Kasan muttered to herself. "Oh well I have my trusty scimitar if all else fail…" Patting the weapon for reassurance the author blinked, and pulled out a Noishe plushy that had somehow fit in the belt. "You took my Icedeath scimitar of quickness plus three against undead and negative influenced enteties!" Kasan screamed, revealing to the world her D&D geekiness at long last. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
-After the Genis scream/moment then stepping through the portal (about five hours later)-
"Never… doing… that… again…"
The portal continued to sing gleefully and Kasan was fazed when a casually thrown Indignation tech did nothing to shut it up.
"Damn… must be sapping my author skills and techs…"
"Ahhh…. Not the face!" Screaming like a girl Zelos charged by, a pink dagger in hand, Roaring like a maniac and gaining, all the while wielding a bat, was Kratos.
"Yes the face, and the head, the back of the head, several times! How dare you change my clothes around to those demeaning!" -the bat smashed against a nearby building missing Zelos by mere inches- "under fabriced!" –another miss- "pornographically tight pants!"
Kasan sweat dropped.
"Umm Kratos… you're in a bath robe you know that right?"
"You, this must be your doing!" Kratos shrieked, turning on the author, bat in hand.
"No actually for once… although I'd like to see those pants… um I didn't mean to say that… umm" Kasan gulped and took a few steps back. "Oh crap…"
Bat cut (can bat's cut?) through the air and met Protozoan plushy. There was a ting like steal on steal then in a desperate swing Kasan smacked Kratos on the top of his head.
Eyes glazing the Seraph fell forward and Zelos slipped around to take a peak- I mean check to see if his fellow Seraph was alive- Kasan threw the doll and Zelos collapsed on the ground, totally out of it.
"I hate perverts…" Kasan growled, and since both men were out of it sat down to await their awakening.
X
"Oww… my face hurts…"
"It should, since my "weapon" hit you in the face." Zelos turned his head to see some brown haired girl playing with a green dog stuffed animal. "Impressive, no?"
"Oh well that expla- hey why am I tied up!"
"Well as I understand it." Kratos rumbled, a wide smile on his face. "I get to kill you."
"Say WHAT!"
"At the tower of salvation!"
Kratos "awe"d and put away his various torture implements he'd made over the long months of being trapped with Zelos and had day dreamed of using.
"We gotta fix this spilt universe thing, and well since Zelos was the first "flaw" in the grand scheme of this universe remedying that will effectively close the loop, close the door to this world to more hackers, and lock this one with us."
"You're really Lloydish, you know that…" Zelos grumbled. "No that that's a bat… I mean bad thing, right?" Zelos amended as Kratos lifted his weapon.
"Hurmph…" Kasan glared, and then terror came into her eyes.
"Kratos, I gotta warn you, we might have to go through pure hell to go back…"
"Why?" The Seraph frowned.
Kasan took him off a ways and the Seraph was paler then a sheet when he returned.
"If we don't do this then what happens."
"Well Symphonia will be run by a crazy writer who wants you married to Yuan. Lloyd and Sheena, Persea, or considering the person's tastes it'll likely be Genis or Regal, will get married. That or you Yuan, and Lloyd, will become very uhh right nit…"
Kratos' face became hard.
"And we must kill the perverted one to trap this person with us."
"And restore me to power…"
"And that's good, how?"
Uhh… but think of Symphonia, Kratos. All those people suffering."
"What about me! Why do I have to diiiiie!" Zelos sobbed.
"May I torture the perverted one?"
"I have a name you know!" Zelos sniffled.
"Certainly," Kasan smirked, "and I'll give you the cracker as well to play with."
"I'm listening in on this; don't you feel guilty, just a little?" Zelos whined.
"Was that the wind?" Kasan mused.
"Oh yes, couldn't be anything else but the wind. It gets rather breezy on Derris Kharlan, this time of year." Kratos noted mildly.
"Why meeeee?" Zelos whined as Kratos picked up the hogtied perverted one and walked to the portal which was still singing.
"That damned song; I hated that song in Thodia." Kratos growled.
"Is that… Hell…"
-gate has gained the title –Reminds me of Hell: "Annoying, grating, this transportation system could dive even the most stoic insane, kinda like the public bus system actually…"
"Reminds me of Hell" title's stats:
Intelligence: negative ten, Defense: plus one.
All three of them sweat dropped as the little green box proclaiming that disappeared with a flash of pink light.
"It is pure evil… this bringer of chaos is pure evil…" Kratos whispered.
"Game terminology marring my work… Noooo- urk!"
Kasan slumped forward and Kratos sheathed his bat (again not being a sword can you do that with a bat?).
Comatose Kasan in one hand, a whimpering Zelos in the other, Kratos steeled himself and stepped into the pink, sugar smelling, void.
X
Groaning Kasan cracked open her eyes and stared at a sight that would have shocked all diehard Symphonia-fans. Kratos, curled in a ball, rocking back and forth, bawling in terror.
"P… pink portal… Green boxes…"
"Huh what do you mea- oh thooose… dialogue text bubbles, just ignore them."
"Ignore them!" Zelos shrieked. "There right there in the freaking air and the writing kinda floats there until you say a lot then this green bobbing thing appears and then it disappears and then the writing changes and goes on to say what you are saying now…. See, like that!"
"Kratos… think of it like this, the crazy sociopath who did this has your kid."
Kratos' eyes hardened and he became instantly composed… well as composed as a man in a baby blue bath robe with a bat in hand could appear…
"That's my homicidal Seraph."
Zelos began to cry at the word "homicidal".
"It certainly is windy lately, have you noticed?" Kratos muttered, picking up the bawling Chosen of Tethe'alla.
"Yes, I wonder why."
"To the tower to wreck our revenge."
"At least you didn't say "release the hounds of war"…" Kasan grumbled. "Remind me to keep you and Yuan away from each other, his corniness is catchy."
Kratos assumed a pained expression then they continued on.
X
Several encounters later… mainly battles against packs of rabid Kratos and Shards fans -though there was the hair eating bunny who made a quick cameo and snatched Zelos bald- Kasan and Kratos with the "source of eternal wind" -Zelos had picked up that title along the way- mounted the steps of the Tower.
Mwa ha lights out!
The light stairs flashed out of existence, and Kratos summoned his wings and dragging one screaming author, and one screaming Chosen, fluttered over to the tower's door.
"You can open your eyes now." Kratos snapped at both author and Chosen who were clinging to each other in terror.
"Eww I touched it!" Kasan shuddered and cringed behind Kratos.
"Awww man… no one loves me."
"That's right... no one does." Kratos agreed.
Zelos sniffled, and then began to cry again.
-Zelos has earned the title "cry baby"-
The box continued to fill up with information (mainly crippling stat effects if it was equipped) but the text and boxes were common place after Zelos had chattered on for half an hour, so Seraph and author shrugged it off and dragged the Chosen with them.
One door opened by a "Judgement" later Kasan and Kratos approached the portal. Zelos was promptly chucked (after all if it was a leak then something living would be a better plug for it then something dead so much to Kratos' disappointment Zelos was spared) in and the gate closed.
From somewhere on Derris Kharlan there was a shriek as the author powers were stripped away from the rabid cracker.
One normal white (not pink!) gate to the shiny purpl- err Derris Kharlan was opened and those screams changed to pained screams of agony only a ticked Seraph could inflict. The scimitar was returned, the plushy kept and put in Kasan's new place of tormenting TOS characters- er I mean hidey hole!- and all was well once again.
Well for almost everyone.
X
"Did you get it on tape?" The renegade archer chuckled.
"Yeah I did! Yuan dressed like a girl! The world must have been ending for that to happen... and after pressing send all…" The renegade mage cackled. "Now all the Renegades have the pic."
"Wait a sec… isn't Yuan on your contact list?"
There was a long silence.
"I'll be off, writing my will now." The mage gulped.
X
Listening to his "Renegade Theme Orchestrated Remix" that was saved on his computer Yuan hummed along to his favorite part. His computer dinged and he frowned at the chirpy "you have mail" that rang out.
"Huh, what the Hell is this…" He recognized the address… and he had asked for those pictures detailing the inner workings of the Mana Cannon, perhaps this was them. Such a strange label though.
"Entertainment 2, well perhaps it wasn't as boring as the notes on the Angelus project?"
He double clicked and blinked as his media player opened up. Less then ten seconds into the film he stood, electricity crackling around his hands.
While a certain Renegade mage was being chased around the compound a certain Renegade who ran the security center hummed a tune and clicked record so that the whole thing was on tape. So while the Renegade mage and perhaps Yuan were unhappy the rest of the world went on its normal routines just fine.
So the tale ends with a somewhat happy ending…