You have stumbled onto the secret (OK not so secret) battle outline for the Yuan verses Lloyd's battle group! Congradulations, and don't tell anyone else where I hid this!

Guys... it's still april... the whole months open to pranks... please tell me you didn't buy that...

Parody... before the Renegade leader battle

Plot holes, random chatter, and pure stupidity… I wrote this one the bus, must be an after affect of too much "Defiance" seriousness. Don't worry the Shards version will kick butt… but this one's just here for humor.

"Aww man, bud, why didn't you tell me the Renegade leader was a cute half elf chick?"

Botta had a suspicious fit of coughing at that moment and Sheena, Genis, Rega, Raine, Colette, and Presea scooted far away from Zelos… Well as much as the tight hanger room would allow.

"Zelos, Yuan's a guy."

"No way!"

"Way…"

"Never, The Z. Radar is never off! Watch I'll prove it!"

The red haired chosen advanced on the horrified looking Renegade leader. Before Yuan could cast his trademark lightning orb spell he was glomped by Zelos. Botta started choking on the knuckle he'd bit down on to keep from laughing, and Sheena was nearly in tears from her laughter.

"What… I bet you're all jealous." Zelos sniffed. "Come on, gotta be a girl, long luxurious locks." Zelos lazily twirled the said locks between two fingers. "The name… Yuan, who'd name a guy kid Yuna. Totally girl material, why I he isn't I'll…"

"Has the fact that he is casting Indignation caught your attention yet?" Genis yelled.

"Huh?"

There was a roar of lightning and thunder, a loud sizzle, and a half dead Zelos went flying over their heads like a red-haired meteor.

"So…" Botta's voice was shaking from suppressed laughter. "Should I get the video from this room's camera ma'am er I mean Sir?"

"Yes." Yuan hissed, his voice so pissed that it sounded like something from a horror movie… or perhaps one of those undead snake people from the shadow temple. "Later.'

"Wouldn't want this conversation to circulate amongst the Renegades, eh Sir?"

"Botta… I don't appreciate the humor at the moment."

"Zelos' HP is currently at five percent… should we heal him?"

"HP?" The two renegades blinked, staring at the ax wielding child before them.

"You get used to that." Lloyd sighed.

"Renegade leaders Yuan Vor'lesse and Botta.

Level of Challenge, Easy.

Weapons; Swallow and ice blade.

Elements of primary attack:

Yuan; lightning,

Botta; earth and fire.

S T attack preference:

Botta, T

Yuan S.

Defense level: average… fifty.

Specie statistics:

Botta: Human

Yuan: Angelic."

"I'm a half elf…" Botta protested.

Current enemy statistics:

Botta's Status: confusion, stun

Yuan's status: confusion, overlimit

Recommendation:

Current party should be at level thirty five. Melee fighters should be employed as Yuan is primarily a spell caster and is prone to distraction. If challenge rating should be moved to "mania" then all party members should equip the Stun and paralysis talisman so that all have a slight defense against Yuan's Indignation Judgment tech and the possibility of being paralyzed or stunned by the lighting tech… which has a base for five percent chance of happening per Yuan's difficulty level…

"How long's this going to last?" Yuan sighed, pointing to the still rambling Presea.

"When she talks about HP and TP you know she's wrapping up." Lloyd sighed.

"Fascinating… it seems as if Presea's insane monologue actually has some relation to reality." Raine murmured, looking at the glazed eyes of Botta. "Perhaps she is seeing some higher level of reality?"

"Raine! There's nothing wrong with Presea!" Genis yelled.

Regal nodded. "Alicia was prone to having similar fits, when they passed she was perfectly normal, and many of her statements were true… although I never did quite grasp the "level" thing she kept talking about." The shackled man said with a sigh.

Yuan pulled out his palm pilot and began to rearrange his tasks for the day, he had a feeling that this was going to take a looong time.

"You try to sneak on those rheiards before I kick your butt and I'll lightning orb you so hard your father will feel it in Derris Kha- er I mean heaven."

Lloyd sighed, and stopped sneaking towards the airships.

"But it's reeeed." He whined. "And it flies…."

"And if you crash it again you'll pay the insurance for it." Yuan snapped.

Lloyd wisely put his hands behind his back before he broke anything else and wound up paying "insurance" he didn't know what it was, but it sounded bad.

There was a gasp as Presea took a deep breath and began the other half of her ramble.

Genis watched and listened to Presea ramble, adoration in his eyes. Regal yawned, pulled out a book from his packs and began to read. Raine went over to an innocent piece of magi technology and began to go bonkers. Colette hummed and threw her throwing rings, and Lloyd fell asleep while standing up. Sheena sighed, nudged the still smoking Zelos with a foot then pulled out a card.

"Purgatory seal!"

"Oww… Thanks for begin' me back hunny!"

"Don't call me hunny!"

Smack

"Oww… what a sorry way to go…"

"Opps…" Sheena sighed. "Purgatory seal!"

"You saved me, I love you hunny!"

Smack

"Oww… what a sorry way to go…"

"Not again! Raine, heal him and give him more then a smack's worth of life!"

Raine in magi-technology mode didn't hear a word.

Yuan was torn, save the machine, watch the entertainment of Zelos being brought back, only to be killed by his "hunny", or wake up his Second. The Seraph sighed; Botta looked like he was going to have some sort of brain aneurism if he listened to anymore of the little pink haired girl's rambling.

"Botta, wake up!" He snapped his fingers together under his second's nose.

"Huh… what?"

"She's done now!" Yuan growled.

"She is?"

That sentiment echoed round and round the room as everyone asked the same thing and looked at Presea with a certain dread. But miracle of miracles… she was being quiet and taciturn as usual.

Blessed silence fell and was savored for a long moment.

"I'm bored, can we fight you already?" Lloyd whined.

"Sir, can we please get our buts kicked by their superior numbers now, I'm late for my senior officer no Yuan allowed meeting…"

Yuan groaned, was he the only sane one in both of the worlds?

"Alright, fine, stop whining, now, where were we before I was interrupted?"

Flipping through his book of rules Botta came to the appropriate section. "You normally have to say a lame and cheesy battle quote before you enter conflict sir."

"Oh right… wait… lame and what!"

"Err… sorry that's the Second's manual." Botta hastily flipped a few pages. "Here's your section… "Yuan must overawe them with his wit, sarcasm, and bishene- oh wait fan girl section…"

Crickets chirped, how crickets came to be in the Renegade base in such an extreme environment of steel, electricity, and hundreds of bug hating half elves serving as custod- er guards… yes they were guards not custodians, no one would demean the pwnage of the random renegades by alluding to the fact that they were just on base cleaning help, right?… no one will ever know.

"Umm hey Botta, did you leave the key in the ignition like last time?" Lloyd asked.

"Y- er I mean "no", and I did "not" receive two hundred thousand gald for doing so."

"Just checking…"

Yuan frowned, looked at his Second, then to Lloyd, something was going on here, but he wasn't too sure as to what…

"Er herm… So you have come like butterflies to the flower…"

Snickering came from everyone at that point, even Botta openly laughed.

"S… sir may I make a suggestion. The original saying was 'like moths to the flame.'"

"What he said."

Even poor -has been resurrected fifty times- Zelos was laughing now.

"Are you taking notes Lloyd? You could learn a few new lines from him?" Genis snickered.

"Shut it Genis!" Lloyd roared.

Botta sighed, pulled out his palm pilot and began to rearrange his schedule; this was going to take a while. He watched with cool distant eyes as Yuan and Lloyd began to yell that the other's lines were lame, their lines were cooler.

The last item on his list Botta hesitated on moving it, but with a sigh had to admit that his psychologist appointment was not going to be happening if he spent all of tonight in the medical wing after the upcoming fight…

"Lloyd… pick your party."

"Ummm…"

"Great Presea, now he has to think, we could be here all month." Zelos groaned.

"For that..." Lloyd stuck out his tongue. "I chose Genis, Zelos, and Sheena."

"But Sheena can't heal!" Genis whined.

"I know but… hey where'd everyone else go?"

And low and behold the rest of the party was gone.

"This is why patrols are only four people at most." Yuan said sagely. "It's really creepy when it happens so I try to minimize the times it does happen."

"Amen." Botta shuddered, pocketing his palm pilot.

"Ohhh…" Lloyd blinked. "For the right to use the red shiny flying ships I challenge both of you to…."

"If you say "mortal combat" I'm going to fireball you Lloyd." Genis growled.

"Then I'll electric orb you." Yuan chimed in.

"Then I'll stone blast you…" Botta snapped.

"OK I won't say it… sheesh…"

"Thank you!" The Renegade and Regeneration groups said in unison.

"Now then…" Yuan pulled off his cloak and tossed it aside… a freak breeze picked it up and it smacked into Zelos.

"What a sorry way to go…" Zelos slumped forward, yet again, dead.

"Not… for the love of Jizuho! Purgatory seal's worth nothing!"

"You just noticed… sheesh Mithos figured it out four thousand years ago after the first time he used it on Kratos…"

Everything seemed to freeze as even Lloyd picked up the implications of that statement.

"N… no that I'd know that personally or anything… just hear-say and all that… And did I say Kratos… well it's certainly not that blue winged auburn haired Kratos that we all know now!"

"They aren't buying it Sir." Botta sighed.

"Look, flashy light screens!" Yuan pointed behind the Regeneration group.

Once they were properly confused he drew his swallow and attacked, it wasn't much of a save but hey it was a save. And he'd beat them, they were just kids, how could he lose?

(five minutes later, renegade base medical center)

"That was fast…" Botta croaked.

"It's always like that." Random renegade number fifty croaked from the cot at Botta's right. "There's so many of us in here that the boys all got together, average fight take about five minuets. Vidar's got the record though, took them six minutes for them to take him down. How long did it take you guys to get creamed?"

"Ummm…" Botta looked to Yuan.

"Ten minutes, but we defeated one of them; they dragged off the bloody corpse." Yuan said, smoothly glossing over the face he'd counted every second twice, and that Sheena had screamed that she wasn't bringing Zelos back just to die for the hundredth time, he could just lie there and bleed.

"Impressive Sir." Botta said, rolling his eyes.

"Botta." Yuan closed his eyes. "Just shut up."