The glow of satisfaction stayed with her all the next day, until that afternoon, as she was waiting patiently in line for her meal, her eyes fell on Kern, taking his place at a table, and she abruptly realized that she must tell him. Awkward and uncomfortable as it would be, it was Kern who had first led her to befriend Irneeto. Someday he might discover a way to evade the perimeter guards. She had no right to stand between him and freedom, when a word from her could open the door. Even if she had never loved him, as a fellow slave she owed him at least that much.
She shrank from the thought, and tried to deny responsibility to herself, for she dreaded the thought of facing him, and her mouth felt dry and sticky when she tried to imagine forming the words to tell him. She stayed far away from him that mealtime, and debated all the rest of the day and through the night. As the next day's meal approached, she yearned to be able to avoid the encounter. But she knew she had no real choice.
Her steps dragged as she approached the mess hall. She was late, as had become her habit, so she could wait at the very end of the line and avoid his position near the front. But today she resolved to seek him out first, as soon as he had gotten his meal. She bit her lip and clenched her hands into fists as she entered the room, eyes scanning the tables for him.
He wasn't there. She looked toward the kitchen, but the first dozen people had already received their food and were making their way to their seats. He was not among them, nor farther back in the line. She turned to scan the room again.
"Shmi."
She jumped, and turned, and he was there, warm and solid and so familiar her throat ached. She swallowed. "Kern."
"I need to talk to you, Shmi. Would you mind if I sat with you today?"
"I don't mind." Her voice sounded flat and cold in her ears. "Actually, I need to speak with you also. Later. In private."
"Yes. In private." He fell in beside her and together they made their way to the end of the line. They had stood and waited together just like this so many times before. Shmi longed to throw herself into his arms, to fall at his feet and beg forgiveness, to wash away all the coldness between them in one wild rush of heat.
But it was he who owed her the apology, he who had said he loved her then refused her love in return, he who had thrown her from him like so much garbage. The shame of that rejection still burned like a live coal in the pit of her stomach. So she stood beside him, and shuffled forward as the line advanced, and replied in polite monosyllables to each venture he made at conversation.
But Kern persisted. "How have you been doing lately, Shmi?"
"Fine."
"What about your work in the kitchen? Cooked anything particularly interesting lately?"
"No."
"The garage has been busy. Jabba's decided he wants a big pleasure vehicle, some sort of sail barge, and he's put me in charge of the project. I've been checking out all the various suppliers, but I think we're going to have to get it custom built. It's going to be ridiculously expensive, because all the parts will have to be shipped in from offworld. Of course, I think that's why Jabba wants it to begin with."
"That's nice."
"So, what did you think of the big commotion the other night? I heard one of Jabba's guests tried to blast him. Too bad he didn't succeed, huh?"
Despite her determination to remain taciturn, she couldn't resist responding. "I was there."
"You were? What really happened?"
His eyes were alight with such sincere curiosity that it was just like old times, when they'd share the gossip and stories of the compound with each other. Shmi found herself telling him the whole tale, her voice growing warm and animated, as they received their food and took their places at a table.
"So then Trontig pulled out his blaster and started waving it around, and knocked the bowl of praanto eggs onto the floor…" Shmi faltered in her enthusiastic telling. "Actually, that's part of what I have to tell you about, later…"
Kern looked puzzled, but nodded. "All right. What happened then?"
"Well, I ducked, and hid under a chair, so I couldn't see much. But there was lots of shooting, and Trontig got blasted, though not until after he killed one of the guards."
Kern' face tightened, and he turned away. "You must have been terrified."
Shmi scowled in annoyance at the back of his head. Why should he be afraid for her? He had forfeited any right to act as her protector. Not that she needed anyone to protect her. Still, she couldn't help but shudder as she remembered the scorching sizzle of energy bare centimeters from her shoulders. "A little, I guess. It was all over so fast." She stuffed the last bite of her meal into her mouth. "Let's go."
Without waiting to see if he followed, she disposed of her dishes and headed through the kitchen to the courtyard door. She hesitated a moment. She didn't really want to see it if the patch of flowers had withered and died without her tending. But she squared her shoulders and stepped resolutely out. They were nothing but a few worthless weeds, after all.
Still her heart leapt when her eyes, drawn irresistibly to the corner of the wall, caught a glimpse of green starred with white, and she moved to stand looking down at them. They had survived, even spread a bit. Unexpected tears stung her eyes, and she brushed them impatiently away.
Kern came to stand beside her, and they looked down together at the flowers nodding in the hot breeze. "I bring them water every now and then."
"Oh." She didn't dare look at him. "I'm glad."
The silence stretched between them. Shmi steeled her heart. The minutes were passing quickly. She forced herself to face him, striving to keep her face and voice emotionless. "What did you need to talk to me about?"
He matched her businesslike manner. "I've been playing sabaac with Ketrell and the other guards. You know I told you a full game of sabaac goes a hundred and three rounds. The stakes get higher with every round. This game, I've been winning. If I risk enough, every round, and my luck holds, by the last round I'll have enough to stake against freedom." He took a deep breath. "Our freedom, Shmi. I can't leave you behind, if you want to come. No strings attached. Once we're offworld, we can go our separate ways. You don't owe me anything. But I was wrong, when I told you it was hopeless. I still don't know how we'll get out of the slave quarters; maybe we can hide out here until after lights-out, though they'll miss us and search…"
Shmi stared at him, her breathing growing shallower and more rapid as he spoke. The impossible had suddenly become excitingly, terrifyingly, possible, and her mind reeled with the shock of it. By the time he trailed away, eyes pleading with her for understanding, a smile had dawned on her lips, and it grew into a broad, silly grin at the confusion on his face. The words tumbled out in a wild rush.
"Irneeto will let us go, that's what I had to tell you. The praanto eggs, they're from his homeworld, they're some kind of drug. I grabbed some after they spilled and gave them to him, he promised me anything in his power…" She bounced, hugging herself, unable to contain the excitement that boiled within her. "Kern, this is really it, we can really escape. I never thought it would actually happen, but everything is coming together…" She laughed as she saw the same wonder she felt begin to grow in his eyes. "Oh, Kern, how could you ever think I might not want to go with you? Oh, Kern, I want… I want…" Her hands were reaching for him, but she stopped, and stepped back, hands falling limp at her sides, joy draining away into fear. Perhaps it was nothing more than duty that motivated him, after all. No strings attached, he had said. Go our separate ways.
He closed the distance between them with a quick, strong step, and clasped her hands in his. "I'm sorry, Shmi. I'm so very sorry. For what I did, what I said…. I've never stopped loving you. You have every right to hate me, and if you do, I understand, and my offer still stands. But all I really want is for us to be together again…"
It was as if the world stretched and distorted in Shmi's perceptions into a surreal blur. This couldn't be real, could it? The precise words she had so longed to hear him say, the delicious warm tingle of his hands on hers – surely it must be a dream. Any second now she'd wake to the cold loneliness of her bed. But she did not wake, and the moment stretched taut as she gazed into the hurt vulnerability of his pleading eyes.
She decided quite abruptly that if it were only a dream, at least she would make the most of it for as long as it lasted. She threw herself into his arms, sobbing, laughing, and they closed around her as if they had never been anywhere else. Only then could she let herself start to believe that she was not dreaming, that this was real.
Finally she could speak. "Why, Kern?" Her voice was muffled, her face pressed into the warm roughness of his tunic. "If you still loved me, why did you end it?"
His voice was low and ragged in her ear. "I was so stupid. I should never have believed it."
A chill touched her, and she drew back. "Believed what?"
His eyes dropped. "That redhead who used to work in the laundry, what was her name…"
The chill deepened. "Darna."
"Yes, her. She was delivering the clean tunics to the men's quarters one day, way back when we were just getting to know each other, and she pulled me aside. She said she had noticed I was spending a lot of time with you, and she wanted to warn me."
"Warn you? About me?" Shmi wasn't cold anymore. Hot rage was beginning to bubble up inside her.
"I told you I was stupid to believe her. She said she'd met you at Rinadda the Hutt's compound, that you bragged to her how you'd seduce men and get pregnant, so you could get out of work. It was ridiculous, I knew you were nothing like that, but it kept nagging in the back of my mind. And then you said you wanted… and you showed up in my bed…"
"That lying little…" Fury seethed in Shmi. Her voice rose. "She did that! She bragged to me! That's why she hates me, because I was horrified." Angry tears started in her eyes. "How could you think such a thing of me? I swear, I've never touched another man, you're the first I've ever wanted that way…"
"I know, I know, I believe you. I only thought it might be true for a moment, but then it was too late, and I told myself it was better that way. I convinced myself there was no hope. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep denying you, and it wouldn't be fair to you if I did, and I couldn't…. Shmi, do you remember when I told you about my father?"
She nodded, scrubbing the tears from her eyes. She searched his face, wondering what his father had to do with her.
"As soon as I was old enough to understand about men and women, and sex, and children, I understood what he had done to my mother, and to me, and to… He used my mother, Shmi, for his own selfish pleasure, and when I was born I was nothing to him but more property. He might as well have been breeding eopies, for all we meant to him." He faltered, and looked away for a moment. He reached to clasp her hands again, and stared down at them.
"I've never told anyone about this before. But I think you deserve to know. It doesn't excuse the fact that I hurt you, but maybe it will help you understand a little better why I reacted the way I did." He took a deep breath. "I had a younger sister. Nara. She was beautiful. Much too beautiful. Mother tried to hide it, but our father would buy her fancy clothes and show her off to his friends. She liked the attention. I was jealous that she was so pampered. How could I understand what he was doing? I was fifteen, Nara was only thirteen, when it happened. Father valued her, all right. He knew exactly how much she was worth. A man finally was willing to meet the exorbitant price he set for her. Nara was so excited – he had a fast, luxurious spaceship, flashy clothes, a home on a beautiful planet far away."
He stole a glance up at Shmi's eyes, and then looked down again. His grip tightened painfully on her fingers, and his voice lowered until she had to strain to hear him. "A week after he bought her, she managed to get away from him, and came to me at the shop where I was apprenticed. She fell into my arms, and cried, and told me what he'd done to her – unspeakable things. I said we should go to Father, and tell him everything, so he would rescind the deal and bring her home. She agreed, but she begged me for a weapon – to protect herself, I thought. So I stole a plasma welder and gave it to her. Then I took her home."
Kern's eyes rose to meet Shmi's, willing her to understand. "And that man who called himself our father listened to everything Nara told him, and looked down at her where she knelt at his feet, begging him to help her, and he called his guards and had them drag her off, and deliver her back to her buyer. When I tried to stop them, he ordered them to hold me back. I was helpless, watching her being carried away, crying and screaming for me to help her."
His eyes fell again, his hands limp in Shmi's. His voice, which had risen in outrage, dropped again to a whisper. "They found her body the next morning. She had cut her throat with the welder I gave her."
Shmi stared at him in horror. "Oh, Kern…"
He shrugged. "It was a long time ago. I learned to deal with it. I don't think of Nara very often anymore. But that was the day I first truly understood what it means to be a slave, and I've never forgotten." He shook his head and raised his eyes again to hers. "So I swore to myself that I would never do to any child what he did to her, and to me. I would never use a woman like he used my mother, like he allowed my sister to be used. I would never risk creating a child who would be doomed to a life of slavery." His face and voice dropped again, so Shmi barely caught his next words. "I would never again risk loving someone I couldn't protect…"
Again his eyes met hers, and he attempted a crooked smile. "Even if that meant I would be alone my whole life. And then I met you, Shmi, and everything that had seemed so simple got complicated, and I didn't know anymore what was right and what was wrong…"
Suddenly so much about him that had been a mystery to Shmi was made plain. "Why didn't you tell me all this before? I would have understood. I would have agreed with you, even."
He ran his hand across his forehead. "I should have," he admitted. "I should have trusted you that much. But I was ashamed, and confused, and I didn't trust myself…. Can you forgive me, Shmi?"
The anger and hurt were slipping away, because now she understood why he had rejected her, and a warm glow of joy was dawning again in her heart, because they were together again, despite everything, and she would never let him go again. "Of course I forgive you." She ran her hand along the planes of his cheek, and down to his neck, feeling the hard muscle of his shoulder under his soft, warm skin. With a wrenching sense of disappointment she drew her hand back, and looked down. "Can you forgive me, for pressuring you? I know you're right. I would never want a child of mine to be a slave, either. It would be stupid to risk pregnancy. I never even thought of it that way. I just wanted you so much. But I'm willing to wait, until we're free, if that's what you want."
He cupped her chin in his hand and tilted her face up until her eyes met his. "No." His eyes blazed with desire, boring into hers. "I want to love you, Shmi, body and soul. I don't want to wait. I want to make love to you. If you'll have me."
Her heart raced and her head swam. "Oh, yes," she whispered.
"And if our love is blessed with a child, so be it."
Shmi nodded, unable to speak.
"Everything is coming together for us, Shmi. First Ketrell asks me to join their seven – I still don't know how he knew I played –"
"I told him. After one of them got killed, I overheard them complaining, and I told them. I never guessed it could work out this way, though."
His arms tightened around her. "How could you? And then the one thing in the universe Irneeto wants falls right into your hands… It's like something is looking out for us, Shmi. Destiny, the gods, that Force they say the Jedi believe in… This is meant to happen, Shmi. We're meant to be together. We're meant to be free."
"We must be…" She was dizzy, giddy with hope and happiness. His mouth met hers, and his hands on her were strong and certain, nothing held back this time. Her body sang in response, and she was quite ready to give herself to him, right then and there, if only they had the time…
Time.
How long had they been out here, talking? Longer than they'd ever stayed out before, and it had already been late in the meal break when they started.
Much too long…
She gasped and pulled away, frantic but reluctant nevertheless. "Kern, I've got to go! It's so late. They must have started back to work already…" She darted for the door, Kern close beside her.
He ran with her down the corridor. "Will they beat you, if you're late?"
"Probably." Shmi was defiant, though fear clutched at her heart. "I don't care if they do."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her to a halt. "Shmi, let me come with you. I'll stop them…"
She jerked her hand roughly away. "There's nothing you can do. Go!" She bolted away from him.
By the time she arrived in the servant's kitchen, sweaty and panting for breath, the other slaves had already been at work for at least half an hour. The head cook was waiting for her, whip in hand.
But even the pain as the whip lashed her bare back could not wholly destroy the flame newly rekindled within her. She had been beaten before, and for less cause. She would not regret those precious moments of reconciliation with Kern, no matter what they cost her. She put her head down, and bit her lip to keep from screaming, and held his face before her mind's eye, her icon of hope.