Chapter 2 – Tony – late October into November
With the kids tucked in for the night, the DiNozzo parents headed to their own room to unwind and have some time together.
"You should think about going to talk to him," Ziva continued a conversation from earlier in the week. "I did not realize it beforehand, but my talk, if you could call it that, was something I did not know that I needed. It was…" She paused to get the correct words she wanted to express how much of a release the talk with Gibbs had been for her.
Tony looked up from putting his dress pants on a hanger, "I get that you needed to do it, but, Ziva, what am I going to say to him? I don't need to apologize to the man, he needs to apologize to me!"
"It was soul-cleansing and healing," she finally decided on her words. "I understand that you want an apology from him. And I understand why; he did treat you poorly…"
"Like shit."
She moved her hands outward, "Okay, like shit… Have you even thought about just talking and telling Gibbs how his behavior hurt and made you angry?"
Tony shrugged, "What good would that do?"
"For one, it would give you a chance to put the hurt in the past and let it go. And before you protest, I can see that it still bothers you. You can deny that it still hurts all you want, but deep down you have not reconciled his treatment of you with your anger and hurt," she replied as she walked over to him and put her arms around his torso. "If you hold on to the hurt and the anger, it is mostly tearing at you, no one else. You said that you realized that you could not be angry with me last year or it would hurt Tali. Being angry at Gibbs is hurting you, neshama. That hurt affects all of us…"
"Okay, I promise that I will talk to him, but I don't know when," he sighed. "And, yes, it does still hurt…" He drew her to him, "You know me too well Sweetcheeks." He kissed her lightly on the lips and then scooped her in his arms and carried her to the bed. "But right now, all I want is to hold you."
~Rifts~
On the first Friday of November, Tony got stuck in a major backup coming home from work due to a multiple-vehicle accident on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. He called Ziva to let her know he would be late, and promised to keep her updated on his progress home.
While sitting still, waiting for another few feet of space to open ahead of him, he mulled over his wife's words about healing rifts. He really did not relish the thought of confronting Gibbs, but the idea of putting the whole nasty mess in the past permanently was compelling. He knew first-hand of the change in Ziva since her conversation, well really a monologue, with the curmudgeon. Second b for bastard…
Thanksgiving was in about three weeks, Ziva's birthday in a little over a week; he really needed to do something and soon. The idea of spending a good part of turkey day at Ducky's condo with the tension he felt when Gibbs was in the same room did not bode well with him. Perhaps he could at least vent his anger and hurt to the man and possibly feel less on edge. He promised himself that he would make the time to have his say before his wife's birthday.
The following Friday, a Federal holiday since Veterans' Day fell on a Saturday, Tony woke up later than usual and decided that it would be his day to pay a visit to Gibbs. He mentioned his plan to Ziva before breakfast and after helping her get Tali fed, headed over to his former boss's house. Now or never, he thought as he pulled into the driveway. 'You got this DiNozzo,' he gave himself a mental pep-talk as he walked to the front door.
His mind flashed back to the last time he crossed this threshold – May 2016 – to tell the Boss-man that he was 'done,' and that he was giving full attention to being Tali's everything. Almost eighteen months to the day… Not once in the whirlwind of events that led up to his resignation from NCIS, not one damned time, had the man ever called his daughter by her name. Not. One. Damned. Time. The anger he tried to bury as much as he could surfaced; anger that the man could not even acknowledge the little girl other than to call her 'a daughter.'
'Only now you have a daughter to think of…' the words echoed in his head as he opened the front door and stepped inside. He paused after closing the door to focus by taking several deep breaths, a technique that the family counselor in Paris had taught them to help with Ziva's anxiety, Tali's fear of being abandoned, and his fear of not being able to 'fix' things.
'Remember that you are a better person than the last time you were here. A man with a family who has changed his life for the better,' he used the mental affirmations that he'd written on paper approximately a year ago. That well-worn, folded piece of paper tucked in his wallet behind the latest picture of him and Ziva with the kids. The picture Delilah had snapped of the four of them on the day the family moved into the rental house where they were now living.
With a firm 'let's do this' to steel his resolve, Tony strode towards the kitchen and the basement door. He stopped short at the sight of his former team leader sitting at the table with a mug of coffee and a newspaper. He had expected to find the man downstairs.
"Gibbs."
"DiNozzo."
The two men stared at each other without speaking. Gibbs stood and motioned towards the basement door. Tony made a spur-of-the-moment decision.
"Here; in the kitchen, Boss," he spoke sharply enough that the older man turned around and gave his former agent the infamous Gibbs' glare.
"Not your boss anymore."
"Which means I get to control the conversation for once," Tony retorted as he motioned towards the table and the chair where the man had just been sitting. "Have a seat and hear me out." He waited while Gibbs returned to the chair and put his coffee mug down. "If you want a topper on that coffee, you may want to get it before I start…"
Gibbs shot the younger man a look, what was he up to? He rose and poured more coffee into his mug then returned to the chair.
Tony pulled out the chair opposite Gibbs and turned it around so the back was facing the table. He straddled the seat, resting his arms on the top of the chair back; he later realized that he had created a physical barrier between the two men.
He began, starting with a line he'd rehearsed and modified on the way over, "I'm not sure why I am doing this, but I want you to hear me out. I have been trying to put the past, especially the two years before I left NCIS, in the past. But there's some hurt and some anger there that I need to get out of my system…"
Gibbs didn't bat an eye, and from what Tony could tell, did not react at all. His former boss just watched him with those steely blue eyes that could unnerve the coolest of the cool.
"A lot of that anger is from how you treated me like crap after Ziva left. All of the sudden, I was the ugly stepson, banished to the grunt work. How many times did you take McGee or Bishop and tell me to 'stay' like a damned dog?" Tony could feel his anger rising and he let it; it was time to get this out once and for all.
"After Luke shot you, it was like I could do nothing correctly. Like it was all my fault or something…"
"Not your fault." Gibbs interrupted.
Tony held up his right hand as a stop signal, "Let me have my say and then I will hear your side. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, talking about how you acted as though I was a pariah. You gave me these vibes of 'get over it and move on' when it came to Ziva. Did you even know that inside I was a mess? I had left the love of my life behind in Israel and she was not in a good place mentally or emotionally. I worried about her constantly, but I couldn't let that affect my work. So many nights, I went home and laid there in the bed all night playing the 'what ifs' game in my head like a broken record. All. Freaking. Night.
"Do you even realize that Ziva is my Shannon? She is and will be my soulmate for the rest of our lives. As much as I should have admitted it when I first realized it, your damned rule twelve got in the way. And you know what? I finally realized something… your rules were, and probably still are for the current team, a way of you controlling us, of keeping us under your thumb. Because you just about owned us back then…" he paused for a breath and to recenter his emotions.
"It took me a few months of counseling to realize that what I wanted from you was your approval, your acceptance of me, some praise for a job well-done. Not head-slaps or 'ah DiNozzo.' When I realized that I was trying to get from you what my own father didn't do for me, it was an epiphany. I don't need your approval or acceptance anymore, Gibbs. My validation as a human being of worth comes from inside now. And from seeing my family healthy and happy. Maybe I finally grew up," he shrugged. "I don't know… whatever. I finally realized that I am damned good at what I do and proud of it. I don't need your approval to feel good about me anymore, thank you.
"I came here tonight wanting an apology from you for treating me like shit and for not even acknowledging our daughter by her name when Tali first came to me. The way you oh so callously told me 'ya, she's dead,' when I questioned if we knew for sure about Ziva after the farmhouse was hit by mortar fire. I was about to have an emotional meltdown and you acted as if it was no big deal. But as I have been talking now, I have figured out that I don't need anything, nada, nothing, from you. I need to get this out so I can put it behind me and let it stop eating at me and so I can not let it affect my family.
"Gibbs, if you want to be in my life and in the lives of my family, so be it. I am going to let go of the anger and hurt; I have to for my own sake and for them… my family. My daughter has a name: Talia Elisheva DiNozzo, Tali for short. My son has a name: Anthony D. DiNozzo III, Anthony to keep him separate from me. My wife is now Ziva DiNozzo. My name is Tony, feel free to use it," he stopped and took another deep breath and let it out slowly. He repeated the deep breathing several times as he watched his former boss for a reaction.
The two men sat in silence, watching the other. Gibbs sipped at his coffee while still looking at the younger man. Tony had a fire in his eyes, but also a strong sense of calm.
Finally, Gibbs spoke, "I didn't want you to become me."
Tony waited, wondering if Gibbs would say anything else. One thing he'd learned is that silence can say as much as words; he no longer felt uncomfortable with a period of silence and the need to fill it.
Fifteen minutes passed and nothing more was said by either one. Tony glanced at his watch and stood up, turning the chair around and sliding it under the table.
"Well, I gotta get home so I can spend the rest of my long weekend with my family. Ziva's birthday is Sunday; we're having everyone over for mid-afternoon dinner. You can come if you want or not. See ya," Tony turned to leave.
"Will be there. Tony."
Tony nodded his head as an acknowledgement and continued to the front door. Once outside he texted Ziva, 'Headed home. Cathartic. Will tell you more at home.'