Chapter 3 – Ziva and Tony – late night 10 November
"Anthony is finally asleep, and I hope he is down for the night," Ziva yawned as she entered the master bedroom. "I do not know why he was so hungry at 2230. He is usually asleep at this hour until his 0600 feeding."
Tony watched her undress from where he was sitting on the bed; he had been reading some of the training materials that he was charged with updating.
"He is over five months now, perhaps we should think about starting him on baby food," Ziva was thinking out loud. "His appetite is good, and he seems to enjoy watching us eat. What do you think?"
"You're the experienced one, Zi. At what age did you start Tali on solids?" Tony put the binder on his nightstand and rolled towards Ziva's side of the bed.
Ziva thought a second, "She was six months; it was the same day as her six-month wellness check. She loved the rice cereal and the pureed pears and peaches. The only food that I remember her making a face and spitting out her first taste was plums."
She burst out laughing at the face her husband made at the mention of plums, "That is the face!" She slid under the covers on her side and rolled towards Tony. "Mmm, you are warm," Ziva cuddled against him.
"And your feet are like ice!" he pulled his leg back from the touch.
"Sorry," she kissed him to distract his thoughts. When they broke for air, she snuggled against his side, "How did your conversation with Gibbs go?"
Tony snorted, "Conversation? Zi, the man said less than twenty words the whole time I was there. Oh, and he did say he would be at your birthday dinner on Sunday."
"Monologue, as was mine?"
"Oh yeah. I let it all out; let him know exactly how I felt about how he ignored Tali and also acted as if he didn't care that you were not coming home in 2013. And…" he paused and looked into Ziva's eyes. "The one thing that I never told you about that night we learned of the mortar fire on the farmhouse. Zi, I went back to NCIS after Tim and Abby came to my apartment with the news that you were supposedly dead. I wanted to focus on work, on finding the person responsible for…" he choked back tears, the memory of his meltdown that long ago night bringing back all of the emotions. "The person who killed you," he whispered.
Ziva put her hands on his face, "You do not have to tell me if you do not want."
"No, I have to get this out of me… I was sitting at my desk trying to get my head unscrambled. I looked over at your desk, well what was your desk, and all I could see was you sitting there giving me one of those smiles that you only give to me. I could feel your presence and had just about convinced myself that the reports were wrong; that you were still alive somehow.
"Gibbs came in from god knows where and barked at me, 'what are you doing here?' as if I shouldn't have been at my own desk, trying to work. I… I… lost it and started yelling at him about how when we lost agents in the past it was all hands on deck. I asked him if we knew for sure that you were gone. His reply was so callous I couldn't believe what I had just heard. He said, 'ya she's dead.' No feeling, no emotion. Nada.
"The rest you know about that night," he paused and used the deep breathing exercise to recenter his thoughts.
Ziva watched her husband as he took the breaths. When his breathing returned to normal, she nodded and locked her eyes with his, "I understand your anger better with that information, neshama. I do not know what to say…"
"Let it go, Ziva. I am. That was the best part about me letting him have a piece of my mind this morning. I realized that I didn't need an apology from him. I didn't need anything from the man; I just needed to get the hurt and the anger out in the open so I can put it in the past and let it go," he replied. "That was the catharsis I meant."
Ziva pulled Tony to her and hugged him tightly, whispering in his ear, "I know." She felt his tears through the OSU t-shirt she had on for bed. She just held him until he was ready to talk again.
Tony pulled away slightly and wiped at his eyes and nose with the neck edge of his t-shirt. "I feel as though I've lost a weight from inside me. It feels… I dunno…" he shrugged and rolled to grab a tissue from his nightstand. He blew his nose and turned back to Ziva.
"I feel like I've shed this huge burden that was dragging me down."
Ziva nodded, "I know." She watched him lay back down on the pillows and roll to face her.
"Tell me," he whispered.
She made eye contact with him and continued, "After my talk – monologue – with Gibbs, at my October appointment with the psychologist, I mentioned how I felt much better, but not fully over the guilt that I have felt. She suggested we explore that guilt at our session. In the hour with her, I came to realize that I did not need Gibbs' forgiveness or anyone else's for that matter. What I needed was to forgive myself."
Tony's eyes filled with tears again and he wiped at them to stop his eyes from leaking anew as she continued.
"I decided that I needed to do just that and said so out loud near the end of the session. Since then, I have been writing in one of my journals about how and what I am forgiving within myself. It has been a difficult process at times, and then at other times, the words just pour out of my heart. I have forgiven me, Tony. I have let go of the burden of guilt."
Tony pulled Ziva to him; both were fighting tears. The two just held each other close without speaking words but with their eyes, their best language.